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[Hermii]

i feel like I'm constantly switching between all 5 stages of grief.Switching between denial/ apathy, anger / bitterness, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I really don't want to live until old age I feel like I achieved everything I will achieve in life. So tired of being alive.

Sorry if this made no sense. It should have been a much longer post, I only bothered writing down the bullet points.

I hope reincarnation is a thing and I get another shot at happiness.

 

[Pamplemousse]

I hope reincarnation is a thing and I get another shot at happiness.

I hope it is too and that it's interplanetary. I'd never want to incarnate to this hellhole again, but some other planet might be nice.

 

[JDHarbs]

I have an idea, let me know what you all think about it. It may not be much, but I'm going to try to post something both negative and positive that I'm going through from now on. Maybe making this a trend for everyone could help even if it's only a little.

Negative:

I've basically been a zombie for almost 2 months now. I've just lost all motivation to do anything. I had everything I wanted for so long, but wasn't strong enough to hold onto it. At first, I thought the time off would help, but now I've got nothing to take my mind off of things. I don't leave the house, I barely eat, and I just lay in bed surfing the web on my phone all day. This is the lowest I've been in the 10 years I've been dealing with my depression.

Positive:

I might get to hang out with some old friends again soon if their schedules clear up. I might get a job offer sometime in the next few months as well. As soon as I get a steady paycheck, I'll finally get to have my own place. The idea of finally having some freedom for once in my life sounds really exciting.

 

[Thickstone]

I just need to vent

So 2 months ago I was diagnosed with a depression and have since started a therapy in order to solve it. Coming to terms with that diagnosis has been tough. But right now I feel like my condition becomes worse despite the therapy.

My future is uncertain Job wise and it's making me nervous as fuck. I don't know what'll happen next year and it just fills me with anxiety and uncertainty. I relentlessly think about it and can't do anything against it.

Except for a few persons, I am unable to meet others. It's as if there's a barrier that prevents me from doing so. There aren't many friends left either because my pickiness has reached a climax.

I can hardly sleep. I have either had constipations or the flu for the past 1 1/2 weeks and it makes me worry sometimes. It doesn't take much for me to get worried about anything that might pose a threat regardless of how minor that problem might be.

I have trouble with my sex drive. It just isn't what it used to be.

My mood changes almost daily and it's driving me nuts. I just want someone to shake me so that I snap out of this bs

I have to learn how to let go of things and how to believe that everything will turn out ok in the end. Rationally this is quite easy to understand yet my mind always say 'well but what if it doesn't??????'

Just wanted to get that out of my head. Perhaps I can sleep now...

 

[neojubei]

i feel like I'm constantly switching between all 5 stages of grief.Switching between denial/ apathy, anger / bitterness, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I really don't want to live until old age I feel like I achieved everything I will achieve in life. So tired of being alive.

Sorry if this made no sense. It should have been a much longer post, I only bothered writing down the bullet points.

I hope reincarnation is a thing and I get another shot at happiness.

i'd often think about this.

 

[Hey_Blinkin]

There's a line in the first season of True Detective. "Past a certain age, a man without a family can be a bad thing." I didn't really care for the show, but that line has stuck with me. I'm sure it can be interpreted several ways, but to me it's all about keeping busy and having some real responsibility. I do work 50 hours a week but that's literally the only responsibility I have. It kind of makes me wonder how many depressed people there are out there that just don't have time to sit in a recliner and bitch about it on forums. They have to work, mow the lawn, run the kids to sports practice, etc. My father had three kids by the time he was 21. I'm 35 and I refuse to even get a pet because I feel like it would be too much for me to handle.

I've been battling depression for 15 years but I've always found small ways to cope. Whether it be video games, movies, or just browsing the internet. It's led to weird things like judging video games solely on how many hours of playtime I get out of them. Or preferring 20+ episode tv show seasons because they take up more of my time. They don't have to be good, as long as they keep me barely invested enough to keep watching. It's not uncommon for me to visit the same websites 20+ times in a rotation with no real knowledge that I'm even doing it. Unfortunately, those things don't really do much for me anymore. I have a ridiculous catalog of games along with subscriptions to Netflix, Amazon, Hulu, etc but find myself utilizing them less and less. I just sit in this chair and try to find some way to pass the time. Before I know it the evening or weekend is over and I've done literally nothing.

In my head this is a form of "privilege". How many people in the world would trade places with me this very second without giving it a second thought? I have some money in the bank, an easy enough job, and I'm physically healthy. I'm not physically attractive and I have mental health issues, but I still think overall my life is so much easier than the vast majority of people on this planet. "How dare someone as lucky as me even type this?" is going through my head while I'm typing this as crazy as that sounds. It seems like my rational side is constantly battling my depressed, unmotivated, zombie side to tell me it's not that bad, it could sure be worse. It's a weird game of tug-of-war between the two sides. In the end I've always got up and gone to work the next day, but now I feel like that's not necessarily a given anymore. It's getting harder and harder every day.

I've recently tried to "put myself out there" so to speak and try to find a partner to share my life with. To say it hasn't gone well would be an understatement. I've been a loner for so long it's really the only life I know. But the older I get, the more I'm starting to believe we're not meant to be alone. And if I can't find anyone, then what's the point?

Sorry for the long rambling post, I just had a rough evening. It's nice to get some thoughts out every once in a while instead of just having them rolling around in my head.

 

[Sectorseven]

There's a line in the first season of True Detective. "Past a certain age, a man without a family can be a bad thing." I didn't really care for the show, but that line has stuck with me. I'm sure it can be interpreted several ways, but to me it's all about keeping busy and having some real responsibility. I do work 50 hours a week but that's literally the only responsibility I have. It kind of makes me wonder how many depressed people there are out there that just don't have time to sit in a recliner and bitch about it on forums. They have to work, mow the lawn, run the kids to sports practice, etc. My father had three kids by the time he was 21. I'm 35 and I refuse to even get a pet because I feel like it would be too much for me to handle.

I've been battling depression for 15 years but I've always found small ways to cope. Whether it be video games, movies, or just browsing the internet. It's led to weird things like judging video games solely on how many hours of playtime I get out of them. Or preferring 20+ episode tv show seasons because they take up more of my time. They don't have to be good, as long as they keep me barely invested enough to keep watching. It's not uncommon for me to visit the same websites 20+ times in a rotation with no real knowledge that I'm even doing it. Unfortunately, those things don't really do much for me anymore. I have a ridiculous catalog of games along with subscriptions to Netflix, Amazon, Hulu, etc but find myself utilizing them less and less. I just sit in this chair and try to find some way to pass the time. Before I know it the evening or weekend is over and I've done literally nothing.

In my head this is a form of "privilege". How many people in the world would trade places with me this very second without giving it a second thought? I have some money in the bank, an easy enough job, and I'm physically healthy. I'm not physically attractive and I have mental health issues, but I still think overall my life is so much easier than the vast majority of people on this planet. "How dare someone as lucky as me even type this?" is going through my head while I'm typing this as crazy as that sounds. It seems like my rational side is constantly battling my depressed, unmotivated, zombie side to tell me it's not that bad, it could sure be worse. It's a weird game of tug-of-war between the two sides. In the end I've always got up and gone to work the next day, but now I feel like that's not necessarily a given anymore. It's getting harder and harder every day.

I've recently tried to "put myself out there" so to speak and try to find a partner to share my life with. To say it hasn't gone well would be an understatement. I've been a loner for so long it's really the only life I know. But the older I get, the more I'm starting to believe we're not meant to be alone. And if I can't find anyone, then what's the point?

Sorry for the long rambling post, I just had a rough evening. It's nice to get some thoughts out every once in a while instead of just having them rolling around in my head.

You have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else. You're employed, but it sounds like you don't feel you have a purpose. Videogames and movies certainly aren't going to fill that void. Maybe you should volunteer. Help out those who are struggling and maybe you'll feel better about yourself in turn.

 

[SugarDave]

You have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else.

I don't think this is necessarily true. We like to imagine that people form meaningful relationships because they reached a certain level of self-actualization that opened up the possibility of them doing so, but I'd be willing to bet that just as many relationships are rooted in luck. I would have thought that for a lot of people, their self-fulfilment stems from knowing there's someone who loves them. Don't get me wrong, it's never a bad idea to develop yourself and I think the advice you gave was a good idea, I'm just not too keen on that common statement.

I have a job interview in 8 hours and really should be getting some sleep but I'm starting to feel very anxious. It's annoying, my mind recognises that it isn't worth getting worked up over but my body reacts negatively all the same. Fucking biology, man. It's a call centre position though, and having performed that role before, I was only just reminded of how unhappy it made me in the past and that I never want to do it again. It wouldn't surprise me if I don't turn up.

 

[jb1234]

I don't think this is necessarily true. We like to imagine that people form meaningful relationships because they reached a certain level of self-actualization that opened up the possibility of them doing so, but I'd be willing to bet that just as many relationships are rooted in luck. I would have thought that for a lot of people, their self-fulfilment stems from knowing there's someone who loves them. Don't get me wrong, it's never a bad idea to develop yourself and I think the advice you gave was a good idea, I'm just not too keen on that common statement.
.

It's an overused sentiment but I think that its core is solid. If you feel a void and you're trying to fill it with either activities or a person, that's a stopgap at best. And if you break up (which is more likely than not), you're not only back to where you started but in an even worse place.

 

[NIGHT-]

"We miss the happy Derek"
"When you're in a better place, we can try rebuild the bond we once had"

It's funny how depression works. When you truly need people the most, they're quick to distance themselves.
I guess friendships can't truly be unconditional

It's just absolutely crazy how fast life can change. A year and half ago I was on cloud 9. Amazing friendships, an amazing relationship, close with my family, and I had so many plans and dreams with all of them.. and I've lost most of them in the past 8 months.

 

[SugarDave]

It's an overused sentiment but I think that its core is solid. If you feel a void and you're trying to fill it with either activities or a person, that's a stopgap at best. And if you break up (which is more likely than not), you're not only back to where you started but in an even worse place.

Oh, sure. If you're consciously thinking about filling the empty slot where you think another person should be, then yes, you're probably going to make yourself feel worse.

Anyway, went to that job interview, I think it went well but we'll see. The place and people seem great but I'm still dreading the possibility of returning to a call centre role.

 

[grap3fruitman]

How do you find a worthwhile doctor? I've had no luck. Plus I'm in between insurance this month and maybe next. Fun fact: qualifying for disability disqualifies you from Medicaid.

 

[cress2000]

I'm recovering from three years of being gaslighted by a covert narcissist "friend." It was fucking hell, but it's nice to feel above water again.

Look up covert narcissism. It goes under the radar to typical narcissism but it's just as evil, if not moreso. Don't let yourself become a victim of these types of people because they are seriously hard to detect if you don't know the signs.

 

[SugarDave]

So I got that job. Should be pleased but I just feel anxious as fuck now.

 

[Stereogatari]

It's an overused sentiment but I think that its core is solid. If you feel a void and you're trying to fill it with either activities or a person, that's a stopgap at best. And if you break up (which is more likely than not), you're not only back to where you started but in an even worse place.

That's exactly where I'm at now. It's been 2 months and the pain has largely subsided (she's still on my mind though) but I feel less happy now in "neutral" mode than I was before I met her.

What the previous poster said about luck is so god damned true. If I just got lucky and this girl loved me as much as I did her then I'd be set, happy, fulfilled etc. and honestly my motivation in life and at work is night and day compared to when I had her to speak to or to visit.

But alas. She didn't feel the same as she used to and I was left shell shocked by the rejection. I've never had a fullfiling relationship with a girl as well, they've all been short lived affairs when I wanted far more. (except this latest one which was a year of long distance confusion of a situation, though it felt just as short lived because of the handful of times we got to meet up).

It's my own fault as well. I'm inexperienced and get easily hooked when I like a girl and they like me back. Whereas for all the girls I've been with their "liking me back" was probably just a test to see what I was like or w/e, whereas for me it was a case of "mutual like yes I'm secure this is a set thing". They all had long term relationship experience as well. So naive I've been, but after this latest one I think I've finally grown out of what most grown out of in their teenage years.

It's so fucked though. I was so happy and content before meeting this girl despite having had no female company for 3 years. So crazy how it all turns out.

I'm a little insecure on this subject now. 25 years old and so inexperienced with girls. I never used to think about before

 

[JDHarbs]

That's exactly where I'm at now. It's been 2 months and the pain has largely subsided (she's still on my mind though) but I feel less happy now in "neutral" mode than I was before I met her.

What the previous poster said about luck is so god damned true. If I just got lucky and this girl loved me as much as I did her then I'd be set, happy, fulfilled etc. and honestly my motivation in life and at work is night and day compared to when I had her to speak to or to visit.

But alas. She didn't feel the same as she used to and I was left shell shocked by the rejection. I've never had a fullfiling relationship with a girl as well, they've all been short lived affairs when I wanted far more. (except this latest one which was a year of long distance confusion of a situation, though it felt just as short lived because of the handful of times we got to meet up).

It's my own fault as well. I'm inexperienced and get easily hooked when I like a girl and they like me back. Whereas for all the girls I've been with their "liking me back" was probably just a test to see what I was like or w/e, whereas for me it was a case of "mutual like yes I'm secure this is a set thing". They all had long term relationship experience as well. So naive I've been, but after this latest one I think I've finally grown out of what most grown out of in their teenage years.

It's so fucked though. I was so happy and content before meeting this girl despite having had no female company for 3 years. So crazy how it all turns out.

I'm a little insecure on this subject now. 25 years old and so inexperienced with girls. I never used to think about before

I don't think I've ever read another post that I can relate to more than this one. Are you me?

 

[Pamplemousse]

I can't wait till I'm dead.

 

[Stereogatari]

I don't think I've ever read another post that I can relate to more than this one. Are you me?

It's nice to be able to relate. Please share your tale if that's ok?

We should perhaps count our blessings we've had experience at all. But sometimes it feels like "was it worth the pain?". I think it was though, imagine how naive we'd be with no experience at all.

Now I think "will I feel that kind of happiness again?" But I will. Like when I met the latest girl it was such a surprise and unexpected. But it was lucky. We were introduced to each other through our grandmothers and her mother, who had had a chat at the beach and then got us to meet at the beach. We hit it off amazingly and met up the next day too. I wonder what would have happened next if there was no long distance...*sigh. Most of it was on Whatsapp text and in my imaginations.

My fault ffs. I should have visited her more often from the start (didn't first visit her till 6 months after) or even moved to Istanbul if I valued her so much. I naively thought she'd hold onto me as I did to her...but that's the thing. I didn't think "oh shit she likes me I better rush to her ASAP otherwise she'll lose interest". She liked me so I assumed it was the same strong feeling I had, the same patience as I would have. Didn't consider she'd get cold eventually due to the distance.

I'm considering dating websites now. If the "magic" of real life destiny isn't working, then perhaps the calculated and engineered approach is the way to go? Plus I'm introverted and have no social scene, so I don't know where else I'll find someone without dumb luck as with the previous girl.

 

[jb1234]

I've never been in a serious relationship (and am 36) and sometimes I wonder whether without all that experience, I'd be just like a teenager if I ever got into one. Probably not a turn-on for a potential mate.

 

[Pamplemousse]

I've never been in a serious relationship (and am 36) and sometimes I wonder whether without all that experience, I'd be just like a teenager if I ever got into one. Probably not a turn-on for a potential mate.

Same. It's been bad when I've hooked up with guys and have to explain that I have no idea what I'm doing. No one would consider having a serious relationship with me, so I'm kinda stuck in this weird hookup only place.

 

[redlegs87]

I can't stand my insurance $15 a bottle for generics. $45 all together a month I know some people have it worse but I am not used to paying much at all for my meds. I am just glad to be back on meds and am finally back on Ritalin in the form of Concerta I've already noticed a difference. be it actual or placebo i'll take it.

I've never been in a serious relationship (and am 36) and sometimes I wonder whether without all that experience, I'd be just like a teenager if I ever got into one. Probably not a turn-on for a potential mate.

I wonder the same thing being 29 and never being in a relationship before. Though I do feel confident if I ever am in one I will rock the hell out of it cause gotta be positive.

 

[Hey_Blinkin]

It's interesting that so many of us here are older with no real relationship experience. I too believe that finding a partner comes down to luck a lot of the time. And in my situation, I've been such an introvert for so long that the only way of finding a partner would have been for them to walk up and knock on my door. Hell, maybe if we'd all been lucky enough to find someone in our earlier years we'd have turned out better.

I'm not naive enough to believe that an ideal partner would solve all my issues, but the thought that I might find someone to love me is really the only thing keeping me going anymore.

 

[neojubei]

I've never been in a serious relationship (and am 36) and sometimes I wonder whether without all that experience, I'd be just like a teenager if I ever got into one. Probably not a turn-on for a potential mate.

same here.

 

[User 479360]

I've never been in a relationship either. I'm almost thirty. I don't see myself as being very attractive to the opposite sex given my situation, looks and weight, and it seems like that's true given that most of my online dating messages are ignored.

It really bugs me as I'm very lonely. But no matter how hard I try, nothing has worked out.

I don't really see what the point to any of this is anymore. I don't want to harm myself or go to Hell or hurt anyone or be looked down upon, but living like this is torturing me inside. I feel horrible, feel like a waste of space, can't stop thinking about how fucked things are, miss my Mom immensely and don't know what to do or where to go.

I'm afraid of change, yet dream about it sometimes. I am trying to get into a rent-geared-income property though I fear living alone.

 

[bronkonagurski]

I had my first real relationship at 32. It lasted like 6 months. It was starting to get serious and I freaked out and bailed.

Met someone else like 4-5 months later. Really hit it off great. The one and only time in my life I actually had a date on Valentine's Day. It was great, I really thought she was the one and I wasn't scared anymore.

And yeah, never saw her again after V-Day. She got scared and bailed. That one really hit me hard but then I think maybe I deserved it for bailing on the previous girl.

I dunno but I'm 40 now and have not even tried since then. Decided I was just going to be content with doing my own thing after that last experience.

 

[half a moon]

Fml

 

[JDHarbs]

It's nice to be able to relate. Please share your tale if that's ok?

Agreed. It makes things a little easier to know others have been through the same. It's going to be a wall of text, but here it goes:

Dating was an afterthought for me in high school due to my social anxiety and depression. I got better through college and met a few girls I wanted to ask out, but something always got in the way. I got fed up with all of this bad luck so I tried the online thing for the past couple of years. I had no real luck with that either until this summer. It's very easy to put someone on a pedestal in online dating, but this girl was like the personification of everything I had ever wanted in someone. Everything from her looks, interests, aspirations, history, etc. was like someone reached into my head and pulled her out of it. It was a miracle someone like this even existed in the first place, but she actually had an interest in me over all of the other guys on this site as well. Now I'm thinking to myself, "Holy shit, this is it. You cannot mess this up." I was putting a lot of pressure on myself from the start to meet her expectations which is a big no-no in the dating world.

She had to leave town for a 2 month internship so we got to know each other through texting until she got back. Then I find out she would only be in town for a month before leaving again for school. As if I didn't have enough pressure built up already, now I had a very short window to prove to her that I was someone worth waiting an entire year for. I knew there was no way I was going to be that person with my lack of dating experience and mental health struggles so I started to crack under all of that pressure. I was bracing myself for it's inevitable end, but she still contacted me which gave me hope it just might miraculously work out. It was a brutal 2 months. I nearly ended it before I even saw her because I thought I was just wasting her time and setting myself up for more pain the longer I dragged this out.

Eventually she gets back and we actually start spending time together. It started off really well, and reached a point where I legitimately thought she was as into me as I was into her. I don't think I had a better feeling before in my entire life than that moment. All I had to do was not screw it up, but I was making everything up as I went along. I knew something was going to give eventually so by the last time I saw her I was a nervous wreck who second-guessed everything he did trying not to make a mistake.

It's been 2 months now since all of this happened. That fall from feeling better than I ever have in my life to worse than I ever have in my life has been the most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with. It doesn't help that I'm between jobs too so I've just been stuck at home with nothing to take my mind off of it. I've never felt more behind than I do right now. Where I'm currently at in my life is where I should've been back in high school, but I'm 24. I feel panic that if I don't catch up quick I'll end up alone. I'll probably meet other people eventually, but I fear knowing that this girl is out there will make me compare them all to her.

 

[redlegs87]

I almost had a relationship in my senior year of HS. We were growing closer and the more nervous I got. Eventually I got all moody and distant thinking it'd protect me from when she got tired of me but it pushed her away faster. Since then I've never even been anywhere near what you could call a relationship. Doesn't help that after HS I became a hermit for about 10 years. Now being 29 my options are limited but I am not going to let that get me down. If it never happens so be it but that isn't going to stop me from trying. Get out there guys and gals don't get discouraged!

 

[Anth0ny]

man, i was not ready to go out on the friday before halloween and see all of the happy couples in their cute couple halloween costumes

it's starting to feel like i'll never get past this

 

[StickSoldier]

Hi guys, first off just wanted to say I love yall, no matter what. Mental illness is shitty, and it sucks for anyone to have to go through what some of you fine people have to every day, every second, just every waking moment. I know it's horrible, and those days you just want to end it all, but you refuse to, seem like are daily occurrences. Please realize none of us are crazy though, we just have been given a brain that has some faults. We will work together to figure out how to put a stop to this horrible disease.

I myself have had mental illness for many years and just recently had a horrific manic attack that had me getting kicked out of my friends house and becoming homeless for a couple of nights. I just got out of an in patient home center, after about 8 days, and it really showed me the extent of how hard some people have when it comes to controlling ones' mind. I never wavered in positivity though, I have defeated my depression, now it's just a matter of being able to harness those emotions we bottle up and using them in a good way.

What I'd like everyone to do that is willing, is to write down every thing you do that makes you angry, sad, depressed, manic, etc.. Study the list and then try to figure out how to get rid of them and to form yourself into the image of what you wish you were. I did this, in my journal, and it helped me so much.. And of course guys, remain optimistic, all of you are awesome and will be able to over come your nightmares. Love and appreciation were what allowed me to destroy the darkness covering my light, along with self rehabilitation.

 

[QuantumSquid]

this happened to me 2 years ago.

should I see someone?

 

[cress2000]

I'm recovering from three years of being gaslighted by a covert narcissist "friend." It was fucking hell, but it's nice to feel above water again.

Look up covert narcissism. It goes under the radar to typical narcissism but it's just as evil, if not moreso. Don't let yourself become a victim of these types of people because they are seriously hard to detect if you don't know the signs.

I actually don't blame my friend for anything anymore. I blame my old self for everything now. I somehow gained the ability to see things completely impartially and my confidence, happiness, and energy shot up astronomically.

I don't know for sure yet, but I think I defeated depression. Good luck and godspeed to everyone else!

 

[Kater]

I almost had a relationship in my senior year of HS. We were growing closer and the more nervous I got. Eventually I got all moody and distant thinking it'd protect me from when she got tired of me but it pushed her away faster. Since then I've never even been anywhere near what you could call a relationship. Doesn't help that after HS I became a hermit for about 10 years. Now being 29 my options are limited but I am not going to let that get me down. If it never happens so be it but that isn't going to stop me from trying. Get out there guys and gals don't get discouraged!

Do you feel afraid of letting someone near you?

I do, and there's also thoughts that the other person can't understand me because I'm so much unlike anyone. It's not logical but I couldn't stop that thought from terrorizing me for days. I actually broke up with people over that. I once was in a relationship with a guy that was quite similar to me and he was so gentle and warm sometimes but then he was cold again. He actually showed me what I must be like (and it also made me run away from him, even though we both seemed to like each other).

Hi guys, first off just wanted to say I love yall, no matter what. Mental illness is shitty, and it sucks for anyone to have to go through what some of you fine people have to every day, every second, just every waking moment. I know it's horrible, and those days you just want to end it all, but you refuse to, seem like are daily occurrences. Please realize none of us are crazy though, we just have been given a brain that has some faults. We will work together to figure out how to put a stop to this horrible disease.

I myself have had mental illness for many years and just recently had a horrific manic attack that had me getting kicked out of my friends house and becoming homeless for a couple of nights. I just got out of an in patient home center, after about 8 days, and it really showed me the extent of how hard some people have when it comes to controlling ones' mind. I never wavered in positivity though, I have defeated my depression, now it's just a matter of being able to harness those emotions we bottle up and using them in a good way.

What I'd like everyone to do that is willing, is to write down every thing you do that makes you angry, sad, depressed, manic, etc.. Study the list and then try to figure out how to get rid of them and to form yourself into the image of what you wish you were. I did this, in my journal, and it helped me so much.. And of course guys, remain optimistic, all of you are awesome and will be able to over come your nightmares. Love and appreciation were what allowed me to destroy the darkness covering my light, along with self rehabilitation.

I actually bought a diary so that I can write and draw in it the things that occured during eventful days. It does help to write, but I am not sure if the things I will write will help me in the future. I probably won't be able to relate to that past self in that moment any longer.

So for me it's just to have somewhere to vent, not really intended as a reminder for my future self.

 

[redlegs87]

Do you feel afraid of letting someone near you?

I do, and there's also thoughts that the other person can't understand me because I'm so much unlike anyone. It's not logical but I couldn't stop that thought from terrorizing me for days. I actually broke up with people over that. I once was in a relationship with a guy that was quite similar to me and he was so gentle and warm sometimes but then he was cold again. He actually showed me what I must be like (and it also made me run away from him, even though we both seemed to like each other).


I actually bought a diary so that I can write and draw in it the things that occured during eventful days. It does help to write, but I am not sure if the things I will write will help me in the future. I probably won't be able to relate to that past self in that moment any longer.

So for me it's just to have somewhere to vent, not really intended as a reminder for my future self.

I am sure most people are afraid to let others get close and show anyone their true selves. I know I use to be really worried about that I still do think about it but I can't make someone like me and if they don't so be it. Move on to the next person who might find me to be awesome or just bearable but it works out eventually. Just be yourself in front of others well maybe not fully and slowly over time start to let more of yourself come out and shine and people will be more likely to stick around and be used to it as well. It's basically taken me 6 months at work to really fit in and feel comfortable with most people there.

I bought a journal not long ago and first few days I wrote quite a bit now I just can never remember to do so. That's one of the things I need to work on I start stuff and then abandon it really fast before giving it an actual shot.

 

[cress2000]

As much as I'm thrilled about seemingly being over my depression, I wonder if anyone who snapped out of theirs had a major problem with insomnia afterward?

I have so much energy I just can't sleep. My head will NOT shut up unless I drop some Ambien.

How did you cope and how long did it take for your sleeping patterns to return to normal?

Thanks!!

 

[grap3fruitman]

When I kill myself, I'm doing it in a public space. I want others to be traumatized; to suffer as I have. Even now, I'm contemplating hanging myself from the little overpass in my town next to the grocer. It's probably the most visible place around here to do it. Don't know that I will but I can't stop fantasizing about it.

 

[Blues1990]

When I kill myself, I'm doing it in a public space. I want others to be traumatized; to suffer as I have. Even now, I'm contemplating hanging myself from the little overpass in my town next to the grocer. It's probably the most visible place around here to do it. Don't know that I will but I can't stop fantasizing about it.

PM me if you want to talk about it. Don't do anything reckless, man.

As for myself, I'm starting to feel calm & tranquil. While I have to wait until January to start my next Design/Storyboard job, which admittingly is making me feel anxious, I'm glad that the negative thoughts that spiralled in my head (for almost two years) are now kept in-check.

I do wish my friends would call me to do something or hang out, as I'm starting to feel tired being obligated to ask if Person A or Person B would like to do something. Even farting around asking "What you want to do?" sounds more stimulating than not hearing anything.

 

[Anth0ny]

this happened to me 2 years ago.



should I see someone?

haha, nice diagram. I believe that is what you'd call depression! I know from experience.

definitely see someone if you can. try CBT. it helped for me.

 

[Hey_Blinkin]

I've started going to a local sports bar some nights just trying to be more outgoing. Hoping maybe someone will randomly start a conversation with me. The bad thing is I feel the need to drink to justify being there sitting at the bar. I don't really care about alcohol nor can I really afford it. It really is tough making friends in your 30s when you're a complete introvert.

I do see it as a positive sign though that I'm at least trying to make some changes. I can't just sit at home every night and expect everything will magically get better. Or that what I want will just fall in my lap.

 

[SolVanderlyn]

I just turned 28 and I'm jobless and live at home with my parents, who are getting old. I feel nothing but constant guilt of being a leech. I'm afraid to go out and get a job because I hate the way I look (going out in public is severely distressing for me) and I haven't even tried since I applied to ten or so places back in August. I have a Master's Degree but it feels worthless to me. I wrote a novel to "do something with my life" but I still feel like I'm a useless human being.

My depression is slowly eating away at me. I know it might get better, and I have no right to complain when others don't even have the chance to fret about such friviolous things as whatever appearance-related thing I have and have to buckle up and go make money anyway, but I feel like worse than dead weight. My mom's sanity is slipping and my dad is also severely depressed these days. I hate living at home, nobody is hiring, I'm afraid to look for a job to begin with, I'm single, I'm almost 30, I feel totally worthless.

I entertain the thought of suicide every day, but not as something I would actually do (not fair to others and fear of Hell - please do not comment about the religious aspect if that bothers you). I'm well off in the sense that I have a place to be, but also in constant pain. I feel spiritually and mentally exhausted, and I don't even have a job. If I had one it would be even worse. The future scares me.

Sorry, I'm ranting. I needed to get this out of my system. Everyone else with depression, I'm keeping you in my thoughts. I read the posts in here sometimes and I do genuinely feel for you guys and hope things get better. As someone suffering from it right now, I wouldn't wish it on anybody.

 

[Megalosaro]

This is it guys.

 

[StickSoldier]

Guys, it's hard I know. Feeling like life has no light, like life is fucking pointless. There's nothing but pure terror in this God Forsaken world. The little light we get from others isn't sufficient for us to enjoy the world as much as we should be able to. You are all awesome, and you need to keep reminding yourselves. You CAN change the world, you are capable. Don't let yourself be your worst enemy and make you believe you can't succeed. You all have something special about you, for sure. Even if it's small, it can be harnessed and manipulated, until you are one legit badass mofo. What matters to you guys in this world?

 

[grap3fruitman]

This is it guys.

Whatever you do, I hope you find peace.

Don't do it. If I can snap out of this shit, I think anyone can. Please seek help.
I never believed I could do it. Never. Ever. I was depressed for a very long time and things felt darker and darker as time went on. It became so hard to function I thought I might develop dementia or something. I'm 34 now and my depression set in during my teens I think. I only just got over it.
You can do it. Don't give up.

Don't tease people with "I did it, why can't you?"

 

[cress2000]

This is it guys.

Don't do it. If I can snap out of this shit, I think anyone can. Please seek help.

I never believed I could do it. Never. Ever. I was depressed for a very long time and things felt darker and darker as time went on. It became so hard to function I thought I might develop dementia or something. I'm 34 now and my depression set in during my teens I think. I only just got over it.

You can do it. Don't give up.

 

[dragonlife]

I just turned 28 and I'm jobless and live at home with my parents, who are getting old. I feel nothing but constant guilt of being a leech. I'm afraid to go out and get a job because I hate the way I look (going out in public is severely distressing for me) and I haven't even tried since I applied to ten or so places back in August.

Wow, I relate to most of this. My parents are also getting on in age and every day I try to tell my numb mind I need to step it up--for everyone's sake.

I hate when it even crosses my mind, but I've wondered what would become of me if my lovely parents were to die while I'm still a useless piece of shit. I don't even like thinking about it, because losing any one of my parents would destroy me. It's a grim motivation to not let them down and get my act together, I suppose; I don't want to be a leech forever. That, and I know that they'd be worried about me even till the end. I don't want them to go like that. And I know--I just know I won't cope well with any of my family members' deaths. All of them better live to 100, goddammit.

...it's just so hard battling with your mind almost every day, every hour, and essentially doing nothing with your life because you're stuck at an impasse. It feels like I've been here for more than a decade now. Every time I want to break through, I crash and burn eventually. Sometimes I just stare. Other times I just want to scream. What hurts most of all is knowing you can get past it, but haven't yet.

I don't know how I'll get past this decade-old rut of mine, but I'm confident I can. Sooner rather than later, hopefully. I'm tired of always feeling so worthless by my inaction and letting it beat me down.

This is all stuff I've told myself before... yet here I am.

I admit I've also pondered suicide. Not so much thoughts of killing myself, per se, but wondering what it would take for me to actually flirt with the idea, and how I'd do it. As a concept, suicide as an option for myself is just frightening. I am someone who believes it's okay to take your own life if you have nothing left worth sticking around for, though; but only if you feel like you've exhausted every present--and future--possibility for staying around, no matter how small. And it has to be for your benefit, of course, not others'. I don't know if I should be sharing these particular thoughts in this thread, though.

My reasons for sticking around:

Proving to myself I can accomplish what I want to.

Accomplishing what I want to so I can repay my family's kindness for putting up with my failures. I want to pamper them--and a few friends--like they did me, even when I felt undeserving and disgusting for receiving things from them.

Study English grammar more, improve my Spanish more, and learn Japanese so I can one day fucking play The Great Ace Attorney and what have you.

Get published anywhere, even in a small magazine. I've been looking into it.

Write more.

And I suppose put more effort into making my family know I love them. I rarely like to go out. As an introvert, it's exhausting even thinking of going out, but it feels just as awful that I basically always refuse to go out with my parents when they offer. I don't know. Sharing emotions and shit isn't my style. I like to think I make it obvious I love them, but my resting bitch face, sullen mood, short answers, and head up my own ass might make it a hard thing to read.

 

[SolVanderlyn]

Wow, I relate to most of this. My parents are also getting on in age and every day I try to tell my numb mind I need to step it up--for everyone's sake.

I feel this post too much. I'm with you, brother (sister)? It might suck right now, but let's stick it out. It sounds grim, but WORST CASE SCENARIO, life is temporary even if you don't kill yourself anyway, right?

 

[cress2000]

Whatever you do, I hope you find peace.


Don't tease people with "I did it, why can't you?"

That was not my intention and I apologize if you interpreted it that way. I can only relate my experience with the same disease.

 

[dragonlife]

I feel this post too much. I'm with you, brother (sister)? It might suck right now, but let's stick it out. It sounds grim, but WORST CASE SCENARIO, life is temporary even if you don't kill yourself anyway, right?

Brother!

I plan to stick around, kicking and screaming, if I must.

 

[tearsofash]

I'm actually feeling good lately. I'm on a small dose of Risperidone to help with my sensory processing disorder and some hydroxyzine at night to help me calm down enough to sleep. I'm getting something to treat my PTSD soon, so I'm looking forward to that.

 

[Kater]

I am sure most people are afraid to let others get close and show anyone their true selves. I know I use to be really worried about that I still do think about it but I can't make someone like me and if they don't so be it. Move on to the next person who might find me to be awesome or just bearable but it works out eventually. Just be yourself in front of others well maybe not fully and slowly over time start to let more of yourself come out and shine and people will be more likely to stick around and be used to it as well. It's basically taken me 6 months at work to really fit in and feel comfortable with most people there.

I bought a journal not long ago and first few days I wrote quite a bit now I just can never remember to do so. That's one of the things I need to work on I start stuff and then abandon it really fast before giving it an actual shot.

I still have yet to succeed at fitting in at work. Way too scared of going deeper and discovering some hidden ugliness, or them finding out about my countless flaws. I want to accept all of that, my own faults included, but it seems impossible on most days. My need for perfection ends with me alone and feeling doomed to existing in isolation. Like it's all dark, I'm in a cage and I can see people passing by but can't interact because the isolation drove me to be so paranoid and just plain weird, and really, really fearful.

It's not all bad, there are good moments, right? Just wish I felt less like a stray cat, unwanted and unloved.