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[Mastermind Vade]

Ugh, fucking christ

I don't know how to handle this shit anymore. I'm at my wit's end here. I've got maybe 3 friends left, and I never get to see them anymore because of how busy they always are. Normally I can text 1 or 2 of them if I'm feeling fucked up and sad, and we'll have a nice conversation. Doesn't need to be about my sadness, just talking to someone helps. I've tried texting all of them though, and no one is responding. I've tried texting friends that have long gone, and they're (predictably) not responding either.

I went to my parent's house, and that just made me even more sad because of their health, I couldn't stick around for long.

I just don't fucking get it. I don't know what's happened to me, I don't know how to fix it.

How the fuck do other people do this? Some of the people I know... my ex I mentioned a few posts ago for example. She was in the same boat, friend-wise. Had toruble making friends. But she makes a fuck ton of them now through tinder. She's got guys she can call up any time of day who will take her grocery shopping, or hang out with her, or cuddle her if she's feeling sad. Hell, she straight up told me she some of them are just fuck buddies. And I'm just fucking flabbergasted. How is it that easy for women to do that? I mean, I don't want to generalize, but it's literally only women that I've seen that are able to do that, able to make friends just by approaching anyone and basically proclaiming "we're firends now".

Every person I talk to on tinder, even under the pretense of only looking for friends, stops talking to me after 2 days or so. So how the fuck can people like my ex build this army of friends who will do anything and everything for her?

God, I just feel so alone right now. The 3 friends I have — I know they have their own lives, but what is it they do with their lives? What does anyone do with their lives keeping them occupied from day to day? One of those friends told me she just sits on the internet or binge watches, and she's content doing just that. So why can't I be? Why do I need to constantly be preoccupying myself with something near other people in order to not feel an overwhelming sadness? Why don't any of the relationships or friendship I try to make actually stick, and how do other people manage it? What does it take to make friends now, if spending every waking moment outside of work in public and chatting people up not effective? How do I make myself seem approachable?

I walk around with a smile on my face, I wave and greet the people I pass by downtown, I dress nice and it's not like I have bad hygiene, and — not to sound like a total asshat, but —am moderately to fairly good looking. By all means I should be approachable and friendly. And I guess I am, technically, if people are able to hold conversations with me in public . But why don't they go anywhere? Why don't friendships form?

How do people get by comfortably in their every day life without feeling lonely as all hell?!

What hurts the most is that no amount of asking will get me an answer. I feel like there's no real point in asking here, because no one has some magical solution they can share that fixes it. Even professional help doesn't. I'm just doomed to constantly feel like shit now, and I don't know where it came from, nor can I make that feeling go away.

At least on the rare occasion that someone actually holds a conversation with me back, I feel happy. But as soon as it's over, and they go about their merry day, I sink again. I wish I could make those moments last.

Legitimately, all I need, is just a few friends. A few who will stick around. A few who WANT to talk to me, rather than me always trying to persuade them to hang out, and for them find time for me in their schedules. If I've got that, if I've got someone I can talk to, if I have people I can make plans with and know they won't constantly fall through... I can start building my own life again. But I can't build my life when I feel like there's no point in having a life. I can't push myself to make dinner every night, or do laundry, when I'm going to constantly be questioning "Who for? Not for me. I don't give a shit right now if I eat. I don't give a shit if my laundry is clean. All I give a shit about is having friends to talk to right now".

I need that in order to be able to do things for myself, and without that, I feel hopeless and without purpose, and I worry about the long term effects of that feeling.

Hey man, sorry to hear that you're going through all this.Sorry if I sound awkward in any way as I am not the best when it comes to words, but I know exactly what you're going through. Since you have much semblance of a well-maintained self-esteem and seem pretty adequate when it comes to conversations, why not go to events, volunteers, bars(though I would assume that since you suggested making plans with friends that you'd prefer to not go alone), or even talk to the people in your workplace(or school), they'd be open I'm sure. Don't let things get to you too much, I know it's an accumulation of stuff, but trust me no need to get so frustrated hang in there I believe in ya , if need be I'm pretty sure some of us here are pretty open to talk to. All in all, I wish well for you, everything will be alright!

Edit: Also, out of curiosity, for those who are going through stuff and has been to a therapist, what do you think of them? Do they work? I've been having drastic mood swings and am seeing myself as a very emotionally unstable person, should I bother?

 

[Goney]

Hello. First time posting in this thread, so consider this my introductory post.

27M, diagnosed earlier this year with dysthymia and GAD. Been taking zoloft for about 10 months.


So I'm seeing a new therapist in a couple days. The previous (and my first) therapist wasn't working out. I found her hard to talk to. And I feel like she wasn't really helping me either. I'm hoping that the new one works out. But am I hopeful? No.



The last few days have been rough guys. I can't remember a time in which I have felt more alone. My close friends have been fleeing from me like I'm the plague. I genuinely feel like I don't matter to anyone. That no one cares about me. I've never felt love, care, or affection.

I'm struggling to see the point of anything anymore. If one is destined to be alone, then what is the point of friendship, companionship, etc?

 

[Media]

I'm seeing a psychiatrist for the first time ever tomorrow. I'm really nervous and kinda scared, as I'll have to talk about shit I've avoided talking about for 24 years.

 

[Goney]

I'm seeing a psychiatrist for the first time ever tomorrow. I'm really nervous and kinda scared, as I'll have to talk about shit I've avoided talking about for 24 years.

Don't expect to talk about everything all at once. It can be a slow process. You don't want to overwhelm yourself.

 

[Pamplemousse]

I'm seeing a psychiatrist for the first time ever tomorrow. I'm really nervous and kinda scared, as I'll have to talk about shit I've avoided talking about for 24 years.

In my experience, psychiatrists are more just med suppliers while psychologists are the ones who do the nitty gritty talk therapy. Good luck, though.

 

[GtwoK]

Hey man, sorry to hear that you're going through all this.Sorry if I sound awkward in any way as I am not the best when it comes to words, but I know exactly what you're going through. Since you have much semblance of a well-maintained self-esteem and seem pretty adequate when it comes to conversations, why not go to events, volunteers, bars(though I would assume that since you suggested making plans with friends that you'd prefer to not go alone), or even talk to the people in your workplace(or school), they'd be open I'm sure. Don't let things get to you too much, I know it's an accumulation of stuff, but trust me no need to get so frustrated hang in there I believe in ya , if need be I'm pretty sure some of us here are pretty open to talk to. All in all, I wish well for you, everything will be alright!

Edit: Also, out of curiosity, for those who are going through stuff and has been to a therapist, what do you think of them? Do they work? I've been having drastic mood swings and am seeing myself as a very emotionally unstable person, should I bother?

I do go to events, small local shows, art things etc, but everyone there always seems pretty absorbed in their own friend group, I never really see any other stragglers. A mentioned this a few posts ago (but that was a wall of text, so understandable that most people probably skipped it), but I've tried going to bars, and cafes, and everything. I've tried going alone, and I'm comfortable just sitting there with a beer and vibing to the music, or sitting with a coffee and working in a cafe, but no one ever approaches you to talk, and people typically react badly if I approach THEM. Don't have anyone to talk to at work, as everyone else is in their late 30s - 50s, with a family and kids. There's no one there I really "fit in" with.... just your standard corporate whatever. I just feel completely stuck.

I ended up making another appointment with my family doctor for tomorrow. I cant keep going through with this. Some days I get into work and sit there for hours not doing anything because I'm too anxious to concentrate — and lord only knows why. The sad spiel I went on in the post you quoted... 45 minutes later, I was dancing around and doing laundry, carefree.

What is that? Is that bipolar disorder? I've never had anything like that before, it's cropped out within the past few months. Anxiety I've had for maybe a year (still, cause unknown), and now... bipolar? Depression? What is that and how did it just magically appear?

I'm scared shitless to go back on pills again, but is that my only option?

 

[Steamlord]

I have a job interview tomorrow. It's the most excited I've been about a job opportunity for a while. This is my second interview with this place; both interviews have been for positions other than the one I originally applied for, which seems like it could mean they're still interested in hiring me but the first two positions just weren't the right fit? I dunno. If I don't get this one, it'll just feel like they're yanking my chain. And of course because of my anxiety I'm terrified, even though the first interview was relatively laid back. I think I'm more scared because this job interests me more than the others did so I'm actually invested in the outcome of the interview.

On the other hand I kind of want to go back to school but if I did I'd want to do film studies, which wouldn't further my career opportunities at all unless I were willing to do something drastic like movie across the country and whatever else and that terrifies me. Plus I basically had a full ride for undergrad, and I'd be taking out loans this time so that's scary, especially if I don't see anything actually useful coming from it. And I also feel like maybe I just want to be in a college environment again because I fucked it up so badly the first time around by holing up in my room and not making any friends or doing anything at all except pass my classes and I want a second chance, which really isn't a sufficient reason to go back. I mean, there's no guarantee I'd fare better even if I did go back, and then I'd hate myself even more.

I guess there's not really a question or anything here, I'm just rambling.

 

[jb1234]

This is the first holiday season in a few years where my health has been okay. I'm still very sore and tired but I'm not confined to bed. But it also illustrates just how alone I've become, something that's easier not to notice when you're in too much pain to think about such things.

My closest friends are all over the world. My family is super small (just mom and grandma, at this point) so we don't really have big Christmas gatherings. I'm pretty sure that if I just stayed home the rest of the month, no one would notice. Meanwhile, everyone else I know has busy weeks with their loved ones planned and while I'm happy for them, it just makes me feel even more isolated.

It's not easy to make new connections in your 30s and I think I've pretty much given up trying because everyone has to get over the hurdle of me being chronically ill and so few want to work around that. I'm damaged goods.

I'm going to get Ben and Jerry's.

 

[Rainy]

my mental state is so fucked lately.

This year has been really stressful. Medical school just adds so much pressure to my life, I feel like my life revolves around it. The thing is, I don’t hate it, I love medicine, it just feels like too much some time. Combined with me feeling depressed quite often and life feels like shit a lot of the time. Not to mention i’m thousands of miles away from my family and seem them once ever 5-6 months. And with what happened with my dad lately and his heart surgery…I’m at home taking care of him and I feel like life really sucks. He’s getting better but I’m so scared for him. My mom is so stressed and still goes to work everyday and helps take care of him when she comes home. I try my best to alleviate her stress.

Christmas is my favorite holiday and it feels nothing like it when I think about it. I need a break from life. I really hate everything right now.

 

[Steamlord]

So I actually got the job. I'm kind of in disbelief. Now my anxiety has shifted from the possibility of not getting the job to the possibility of not liking the job or fucking it up somehow.

 

[yepyepyep]

So I actually got the job. I'm kind of in disbelief. Now my anxiety has shifted from the possibility of not getting the job to the possibility of not liking the job or fucking it up somehow.

Congratulations! Just remember that everyone is really nervous when you first get a job. Try your best and learn from the experience!

P.S. Stereolab is the best.

 

[Steamlord]

Congratulations! Just remember that everyone is really nervous when you first get a job. Try your best and learn from the experience!

P.S. Stereolab is the best.

Thanks!

P.S. Afrirampo is awesome too.

 

[WhateverItTakes]

Well, time for my seemingly bi-annual diary entry into this thread (Better than shitting up GAF with my own, right?)

Anyway, I'm home for Christmas, but the feelings I was holding on at uni, brought on by stress I reckon, haven't slipped off like I hoped they might. I keep throwing myself down a cycle of self-hatred and envy of others that really runs the risk of fucking up my relationships. I know it's dumb, and entirely unnecessary, but I haven't been able to shake off this low self esteem for a long while. It sucks because I keep telling myself the solution is to be better, but I know that kinda attitude is just hurting me; 'better' is so general that it becomes another excuse for me to remember all my shortcomings and do nothing to change them.

They aren't even that short a comings as well! I just can't seem to stop when I hit a low. I usually get out of the hump eventually at least. It's gonna get more and more common with uni getting more serious and my choices being increasingly pertinent. What's really getting to my right now is knowledge I need to land an internship into my field for next summer, and after failing so miserably to do so last summer the applications process seems so daunting. This is in addition to the usual worries about grades, social life, and the intangible feeling of 'where the hell am I going?'.

But still, I'm young, as has been pointed out to me on here. I just wish I was a different person a lot of the time, which again, I know is silly. Just to be someone who uses frustration and fretting as fuel into something positive, rather than this guy who in my opinion is pretty damn useless.

Thanks for listening GAF. You guys in this thread do good work.

 

[Farooq]

Just got kicked out of school. I passed all of my classes, but it wasn't enough to improve my GPA. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm such a fucking failiure

Does your uni have a system where you can petition courses, especially in cases of illness? Or a place to appeal your forced withdrawal based on illness?

 

[redlegs87]

I don't know what to do right now. I live at home with my mother and we've been scraping by and just recently things were getting to be going alright for a change. Now she's fallen and broken her hip just earlier tonight and needs surgery. No idea how long she'll be out of work but we'll most likely end up getting kicked out for not paying rent among other bills. I don't know what to do anymore. I'd start one of those fund me things but no ones going to give two shits about this crap. I just want to sleep for a very long time til this passes.

 

[Media]

Saw the doctor today, turns out she was a psychologist and not a psychiatric. But she wants to help me so there's that. She said I had one of the worst cases of PTSD she's seen outside of soldiers in a long time.

Of course I had a nightmare tonight and woke up literally drenched in sweat. That's never happened to me before.

 

[A Fish Aficionado]

If you do see a prescribing psychiatrist, Make sure those two are in communication.

It's one thing I say to people who are in college or university. It's a great resource and because they are in one place, they understand your view.

I have much experience losing hope with medical staff. Especially if one of them is a judgemental ass

 

[Media]

If you do see a prescribing psychiatrist, Make sure those two are in communication.

It's one thing I say to people who are in college or university. It's a great resource and because they are in one place, they understand your view.

I have much experience losing hope with medical staff. Especially if one of them is a judgemental ass

She asked my doctor to put me on different meds for anxiety (I'm currently on clonazpam) but of course that takes an appt and that won't be until next month :/

 

[HashtagLapsed]

Hey GAF. I figure I should quickly introduce myself.

I've had problems with anxiety since I was very young, as long as I can remember. I still have issues with it now but have my own ways of coping. Was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 14 and subsequently dropped out of school. I still have periods of depression and feel feelings probably too deeply. Especially things like grief, loneliness and alienation. I suppose the thing now I am thankful for is the deeply gloomy moments usually have a purpose and aren't a general crushing emptiness that takes purpose away from everything.

Given how much of my life has been effected by mental health I ended up studying psychotherapy and counselling (which is a similar story for like 80% of this field) and have been offered to do a degree in psychology, but I am not sure I will do that right now. The work is very rewarding and very difficult but it does give insight too. It becomes apparent, very quickly, that just having someone to talk to who cares about them and listens to them and accepts them gives so much relief to people that often symptoms start to ease. It is a shame it is impossible to measure the depth of a relationship and how that effects people positively, leaving these approaches often unpracticed. But I digress..

Even having overcome and recovered in a LOT of ways, things still badly suck often. As much as I have friends I feel painfully lonely. Relationships are bad too. I have been in a weird on again off again non-relationship but relationship with my best friend for something like 5 years. We go months without seeing each other after one of us hurts the other somehow then as soon as we see each other again we are immediately connected and back to where we were before. It fucking sucks knowing this is a pattern and knowing what will happen this time and how badly it hurts and not heing able to walk away. The next few weeks will be a mess. This time it is really badly hard to cope.

Annnyway thats a part of my story. I hope you will all stay strong through the holiday period and have a pleasant time! Sorry for any typos too, on my phone.

 

[Team Alucard]

Does anyone have experience with getting a will drafted?

How much did it cost?

I'm interested in getting one made, but if it's going to run me $1000+ then it's not worth it, given how few assets I have.

 

[OfficerRaichu15]

I just seriously want to thank you all in this thread.
I havent posted much here but reading the solutions the have truly helped me.
Thank you everyone!

 

[Mieu]

it's unfortunate that the local suicide hotline is unattended since last week.

Anyway, hang on tight there buddies!! There's always someone you can talk to.

 

[Kurtofan]

So freaking bored and alone...

I should work but have no motivation to do anything

 

[pigeon interrupted]

Seriously, fuck anxiety. It's become so bad I can't even play a game of Hearthstone against another player or send a message on a dating site. How is it still so bad this late in life. I've never taken medication and I really don't want to start.

I've pulled my profile from the dating site I used. My anxiety is suffocating me to the point where the walls are closing in. I came of Citalopram for anxiety/depression/ptsd symptoms a few weeks ago. The thing is the meds were working--I was much more stable and happy. I only stopped because of the horror stories I've read on the tubes concerning SSRIs.
Maybe you should speak to your doctor and ask if there are any non-medicinal options. I guess I want to say that despite my own apprehensions that medication did help improve my life.

I feel like she wasn't really helping me either. I'm hoping that the new one works out. But am I hopeful? No.

The last few days have been rough guys. I can't remember a time in which I have felt more alone. My close friends have been fleeing from me like I'm the plague. I genuinely feel like I don't matter to anyone. That no one cares about me. I've never felt love, care, or affection.

I'm struggling to see the point of anything anymore. If one is destined to be alone, then what is the point of friendship, companionship, etc?

You do matter to your family and if your friends avoid you, you're maybe better off without them right now. Nobody is destined to be alone. Keep an open mind and persevere. There are people here you can talk to.

This is the first holiday season in a few years where my health has been okay. I'm still very sore and tired but I'm not confined to bed. But it also illustrates just how alone I've become, something that's easier not to notice when you're in too much pain to think about such things.

My closest friends are all over the world. My family is super small (just mom and grandma, at this point) so we don't really have big Christmas gatherings. I'm pretty sure that if I just stayed home the rest of the month, no one would notice. Meanwhile, everyone else I know has busy weeks with their loved ones planned and while I'm happy for them, it just makes me feel even more isolated.

It's not easy to make new connections in your 30s and I think I've pretty much given up trying because everyone has to get over the hurdle of me being chronically ill and so few want to work around that. I'm damaged goods.

I'm going to get Ben and Jerry's.

jb I know you have a debilitating illness and hope you're not in too much pain. How you (and media) cope with your situation is admirable and I guess a lot of pragmatism and strength is involved.
My situation is partly of my own making and minus a physical condition I share a lot of your problems. My family is me, my mum and dad. No friends for many years. Yes, it is tough to make new connections in your 30s. My mind continues to relive what happened to me and brings me to tears. As you know, there are many of us who are damaged goods and sometimes this may not show on the outside but inside we are a mess.
Myself, I have multiple suicide scars all up and down my left and right arms-even had a go at my left leg. Each time I have a blood test I have to explain to a new nurse these marks--then I get to thinking how I would explain this to any person who was interested (not likely) and what their reaction would be and I ball up. I am damaged goods. Pass me the ice cream

Spoiler

(rocky road pls)

Annnyway thats a part of my story. I hope you will all stay strong through the holiday period and have a pleasant time! Sorry for any typos too, on my phone.

Sorry to hear about all your pains. At least you sound like you are coping. Personally feel like I'm dragging myself through the festive period with my fingernails using my face as a snowboard with my tears are providing a nice slppery surface.

Does anyone have experience with getting a will drafted?

How much did it cost?

I'm interested in getting one made, but if it's going to run me $1000+ then it's not worth it, given how few assets I have.

No experience-don't have a dime to my name. Why do you need to draft a will, babe?

If anyone ever feels the need to talk I'd recommend someone other than me since they seem smarter, better more balanced and more informed humans-but I am here if you want to communicate via pm ,etc. Much love.

 

[Kurtofan]

Seriously, fuck anxiety. It's become so bad I can't even play a game of Hearthstone against another player or send a message on a dating site. How is it still so bad this late in life. I've never taken medication and I really don't want to start.

Anxiety fucking sucks, I've started medication a month ago but not feeling any effect, good or bad.

 

[Sifl]

I'm pretty sure I'm going through an Exsistential crisis. I realized a few weeks ago that I need to make serious changes in my life before its too late (even though it might already be) and now I'm basically sitting around doubting my own ideas and convincing myself why i shouldn't do what I think needs to be done. I don't really want to get too in depth with it, but I've been a shut in for a good amount of time and I guess I don't actually know what to do to change things at this point.

 

[Sectorseven]

I'm pretty sure I'm going through an Exsistential crisis. I realized a few weeks ago that I need to make serious changes in my life before its too late (even though it might already be) and now I'm basically sitting around doubting my own ideas and convincing myself why i shouldn't do what I think needs to be done. I don't really want to get too in depth with it, but I've been a shut in for a good amount of time and I guess I don't actually know what to do to change things at this point.

You start by stepping out your front door. Seriously.

 

[Goney]

You do matter to your family and if your friends avoid you, you're maybe better off without them right now. Nobody is destined to be alone. Keep an open mind and persevere. There are people here you can talk to.

Thank you for the response.
Do I really matter to my family? Like you say that, but I don't believe you. (Not trying to be confrontational here, more just playing Devil's advocate).

As for the "destined to be alone" thing, I hear different things constantly. "We're born into this world alone and we leave it alone." "Existence is loneliness, we use others to cope." "In the end all we have is ourselves." Etc, etc.

And my pessimistic mind believes all this.

Anyway, the first session with the new therapist went...ok I guess. Turns out she's technically a social worker and not a pyschiatrist/psychologist. But she seems to know what she's talking about so far.

I set up a follow up meeting next week. I thought it best to schedule a follow up asap given the events of the past week or so.

 

[JDHarbs]

I'm pretty sure I'm going through an Exsistential crisis. I realized a few weeks ago that I need to make serious changes in my life before its too late (even though it might already be) and now I'm basically sitting around doubting my own ideas and convincing myself why i shouldn't do what I think needs to be done. I don't really want to get too in depth with it, but I've been a shut in for a good amount of time and I guess I don't actually know what to do to change things at this point.

I've been in a similar state for most of this year, but like SectorSeven said, small steps are the best thing right now. It is so easy to overwhelm yourself when looking at the entirety of your problems and become discouraged from trying. Break that massive hurdle down into smaller, more manageable ones, and tackle them one at a time.

 

[redlegs87]

I'm pretty sure I'm going through an Exsistential crisis. I realized a few weeks ago that I need to make serious changes in my life before its too late (even though it might already be) and now I'm basically sitting around doubting my own ideas and convincing myself why i shouldn't do what I think needs to be done. I don't really want to get too in depth with it, but I've been a shut in for a good amount of time and I guess I don't actually know what to do to change things at this point.

I was a hermit/shut in for about 6 years which ended just a year and half ago. You just have to want to change and I did that by getting obamacare and seeing a therapist and psychiatrist and over time just going out more and more slowly at first but more often over time. Then I applied for a job and I am where I am now.

 

[HashtagLapsed]

It can be so hard to break the cycle of being shut in. I had such bad anxiety that from 14-17 I couldnt leave the house (then through myself in the deep end by leaving home and moving to the UK from Australia at 17). In hindsight it was a crazy and risky thing to do, but when I came back a year later I was back to being a hermit.

It just takes time and small steps. It is hard not to focus on the end goal, but looking at small, manageable steps is the way to go. Go for a coffee or go out and buy yourself a treat. It really does get easier, and better, over time.

Thinking of you guys over the holidays. I am already struggling myself but if anyone needs to talk or unload please don't hesitate to send a PM.

 

[Puck Beaverton]

It's a melancholy Christmas at the Beaverton house!

The holiday spirit and what-not always get me down. Used to not do that, but it's been happening for about 6-7 years now.

 

[pigeon interrupted]

Thank you for the response.
Do I really matter to my family? Like you say that, but I don't believe you. (Not trying to be confrontational here, more just playing Devil's advocate).

Well, I'm assuming you have "normal relations" whatever that means with your close family outside of any events causing dysfunction. For example, if you were hospitalised they would visit or even care for you and vice versa if they were ill. That's one of life's most honest and purest connections. I hope you have that security of mind.

As for the "destined to be alone" thing, I hear different things constantly. "We're born into this world alone and we leave it alone." "Existence is loneliness, we use others to cope." "In the end all we have is ourselves." Etc, etc.

And my pessimistic mind believes all this.

This is just one of many ways of framing the human journey. I've read up on your conditions and seems you are prone to these slightly pessimistic turns of phrase... and so am I. I think maybe we have some similar symptoms. While clinically true, the above sayings are attractive oversimplifications which leave no room for love, infatuation romance, passion and the infinite beauty of nuance and variety contained within this planet.

To use another turn of phrase "the glass is half empty" when it really is "half full." And you and I have to condition our brains to see this, like how an artist sees a composition. It takes patience and practice but is achievable. Hopefully therapy will give you some answers. Personally, I try to limit my scope of interaction with negative triggers and this somewhat works. Thanks to the sterling work of the NHS, I have no support or therapy but I recognise your loneliness and the loneliness of others here as sure as I recognise my own. Don't give up.

It's a melancholy Christmas at the Beaverton house!

The holiday spirit and what-not always get me down. Used to not do that, but it's been happening for about 6-7 years now.

My father threw away our christmas tree in 1995. Not enough room for a full size tree he said, you're growing up he said. I was 15 ;_; Every year I fill my room with 2 chrismas trees

Spoiler

and lots of alcohol

. Yeah, I'm back home at 36 years old. Enjoy it while and if you can I guess.

 

[Machina]

It's a dangerous time to suffer from depression + anxiety brothers and sisters. Be vigilant in the face of the dark

 

[Astral Dog]

i hope at least a small light of Christmas illuminates your day.god bless you all 🌞

 

[Goney]

For example, if you were hospitalised they would visit or even care for you and vice versa if they were ill.

So yes, this is true. But (not to sound difficult) that's...different.
I posted a thread on /r/lonely a few months ago about this subject, and I had one comment reply that really summed up my feelings. So I'm just going to copy+paste it here since it he put it in words better than I:

"But man...just miss that feeling of someone caring about your wellbeing. I know many people say "But, you are loved and cared about!" when people here say that, and they mean it in regards to family and parents. But, it's a different kind of love, affection, and care.
It's a choice. Someone making the choice that you are important and that your wants, needs, desires matter. Not that it was thrusted upon them through familial blood. Not that that love and care isn't good also, it's just a different kind. And I find that "chosen" kind of love and care to be very fulfilling. And I miss it very much at the moment."

Except in this persons case, he's felt this kind of care before. I never have.

While clinically true, the above sayings are attractive oversimplifications which leave no room for love, infatuation romance, passion and the infinite beauty of nuance and variety contained within this planet.

Funnily enough one of the main backers who pushed this philosophy unto me was very much a person of love/romance/passion etc. (I no longer associate with them at the moment however).

Like I get there are many ways to view the world/life/existence. But it's like an Occam's Razor sort of situation: the simplest explanation is most likely the correct one. And the way my mind sees things, the simplest explanation to life is one of loneliness.

 

[redlegs87]

I've never felt so alone on Christmas before. I can't wait for work to start so I have something to do that's how bad it's gotten.

 

[tearsofash]

I was hoping this wouldn't be the fifth Christmas in a row I've attempted to kill myself. I was fine up until today but I can't take the cyber bullying anymore. I am broke (not that i actually need money for anything important). I am homeless. I have no family. No friends. Everybody here hates me. I'm a bad person. Even though I've done stuff in my past, it gets brought up like it happened yesterday often times when I make a post or a thread. I just want to die. I don't want attention, you fucks. I just want my pain to end. I can't live with myself, and it seems like there's no way to move on from the past. Any time I reach out for help I get told that I'm lying, or that I want attention, or that I should just get over it. It would be nice if I didn't feel this way but I can't help it. It happens often enough, and I need help. I'm on a waiting list. In the mean I feel like killing myself every day and it's terrifying. I dont want to die, I am just plagued with thoughts about it. It's called suicidal ideation and it's not always bad. It's when you have a plan is when it's really bad. I probably need to go to the hospital before I do anything stupid. Or do something stupid and just get it over with finally. I'm dead tired. I'm drained. I can't do this anymore. I wanted to get better. I tried. but it doesn't matter anymore.

 

[pigeon interrupted]

So yes, this is true. But (not to sound difficult) that's...different.
I posted a thread on /r/lonely a few months ago about this subject, and I had one comment reply that really summed up my feelings. So I'm just going to copy+paste it here since it he put it in words better than I:

"But man...just miss that feeling of someone caring about your wellbeing. I know many people say "But, you are loved and cared about!" when people here say that, and they mean it in regards to family and parents. But, it's a different kind of love, affection, and care.
It's a choice. Someone making the choice that you are important and that your wants, needs, desires matter. Not that it was thrusted upon them through familial blood. Not that that love and care isn't good also, it's just a different kind. And I find that "chosen" kind of love and care to be very fulfilling. And I miss it very much at the moment."

Except in this persons case, he's felt this kind of care before. I never have.

I understand what you mean now. Love of the unconditional kind-I'm afraid I can't give you much advice with me being in the same sad boat.Outside of a handful of short lived romances many years ago, I've forgotten how it feels to be wanted. You, like myself and like almost every other poster in this thread need honest love. You've got to take a leap of faith because likelihood love wont come up to you, let alone good love. And I understand that the backlog of neuroses doesn't help with confidence but try one step at a time. Be friendly, visit the same cafe; put down some bolts in reality and see what gathers around them.


I have a vacuum that everyday can suck all optimism from the day: one bad thought is all it takes. Me personally, I am weird, trans, social but a anti-social, intimidated by all the ways a person can be abused (having experienced some of that) now I am covered in suicide scars. I know that yearning for something that seems impossible, but I got to keep on going. Death is no way out. Death is potential=0

Funnily enough one of the main backers who pushed this philosophy unto me was very much a person of love/romance/passion etc. (I no longer associate with them at the moment however).

Like I get there are many ways to view the world/life/existence. But it's like an Occam's Razor sort of situation: the simplest explanation is most likely the correct one. And the way my mind sees things, the simplest explanation to life is one of loneliness.

Stop over-analysing everything, sweetie. That's what I used to do and it spoils everything. Break the cycle; go feed some ducks, build a bird table, help some people. Sounds insane but it may work.

I was hoping this wouldn't be the fifth Christmas in a row I've attempted to kill myself. I was fine up until today but I can't take the cyber bullying anymore. I am broke (not that i actually need money for anything important).

I was a victim of cyber bullying, consider limiting your sites, apps and phone situation-I found out the internet can be poison to the mind, like a daily intravenous injection of hate.

I am homeless. I have no family. No friends. Everybody here hates me. I'm a bad person. Even though I've done stuff in my past, it gets brought up like it happened yesterday often times when I make a post or a thread. I just want to die.

I'm so sorry about your family situation; it truly sucks. Whatever you have done in you past you are a product of an environment and sometimes the lay of the land is what you have to travel, right or wrong. Realising your mistakes or crimes are a huge part of becoming someone better and proves you're not a bad person or destined to forever be a bad person. To me there is no solid state, no absolute-on many levels-you can move on. You need to nurture what you know is good inside and acknowledge the bad as something terrible that happened but will never happen again.
Don't hurt yourself, babe. It is a scorched earth solution and I use 'solution' cautiously.

I don't want attention, you fucks. I just want my pain to end. I can't live with myself, and it seems like there's no way to move on from the past. Any time I reach out for help I get told that I'm lying, or that I want attention, or that I should just get over it. It would be nice if I didn't feel this way but I can't help it. It happens often enough, and I need help. I'm on a waiting list. In the mean I feel like killing myself every day and it's terrifying. I dont want to die, I am just plagued with thoughts about it. It's called suicidal ideation and it's not always bad. It's when you have a plan is when it's really bad. I probably need to go to the hospital before I do anything stupid. Or do something stupid and just get it over with finally. I'm dead tired. I'm drained. I can't do this anymore. I wanted to get better. I tried. but it doesn't matter anymore.

**E-HUG**You can still pull through this. I can't imagine your inner turmoil but it is no doubt shaping and colouring every interaction you have with those who may me able to offer a hand. Try to find a person you like and trust and lay it all down on them, ignore the rest. The kicker is you are going to have to forgive yourself before you can truly proceed because that self hate will tear you down. You really are a victim of circumstance and if you can calm down a little and reach out things could get better. Feel welcome to pm me or chat via thread

 

[Rainy]

I've been so depressed these past few days. I'm tired.

 

[Goney]

...

Nothing more to add at this moment, just wanted to thank you for taking the time to read and respond. Especially at this time of year.

 

[tearsofash]

I love how some people don't seem to understand mental illness and especially personality disorders. Wanting to kill yourself often is very common. The amount of times doesn't automatically make it for attention all of sudden. Read a copy of the DSM-V, maybe educate yourself for once instead of just looking like an idiot.

 

[Team Alucard]

No experience-don't have a dime to my name. Why do you need to draft a will, babe?

I have been in a bad place mentally for a long time. Its gotten the point where I don't think I will be around much longer.

In the event that I do do something to hurt myself, and fail to finish the job, I want to make sure that the plug is pulled and I don't end up braindead in a coma or on life support.

There are websites where you can make a living will for about $200, but I don't know if those are scams or if they'd be legally binding.

 

[Sectorseven]

I have been in a bad place mentally for a long time. Its gotten the point where I don't think I will be around much longer.

In the event that I do do something to hurt myself, and fail to finish the job, I want to make sure that the plug is pulled and I don't end up braindead in a coma or on life support.

There are websites where you can make a living will for about $200, but I don't know if those are scams or if they'd be legally binding.

If you're that ill, what's to stop someone from disputing it and claiming you didn't have the mental capacity to make such a document?

 

[Team Alucard]

If you're that ill, what's to stop someone from disputing it and claiming you didn't have the mental capacity to make such a document?

I have no documented history of mental illness, barring anonymous posts on forums, which can't be easily traced back to me.

 

[pigeon interrupted]

I have been in a bad place mentally for a long time. Its gotten the point where I don't think I will be around much longer.

In the event that I do do something to hurt myself, and fail to finish the job, I want to make sure that the plug is pulled and I don't end up braindead in a coma or on life support.

There are websites where you can make a living will for about $200, but I don't know if those are scams or if they'd be legally binding.

Babe, I don't mean to scare you but there are many ways "not to finish the job" that can leave you in a world of physical pain and incapacity. Not to mention what that would mean for your family--but I don't want to bring your family into this.

If you don't mind me asking, why do you feel the need to take such a drastic step? Do you have a terminal or life altering health problem or is this some kind of emotional pain (which i'm not downplaying, since I identify as trans female and am quite familiar with mental pain).

I don't mean to lecture you but you seem to be struggling with some gigantic decision and that's at the heart of your troubles. You seem like a really nice and thoughtful person and sometimes an abundance of empathy and overthinking can perversely be a hindrance. The world is re pleat with irony--thrives on the stuff, if you ask me.

The amount of times I considered ending myself I can't even count but despite my best efforts, I'm still here. Those times I nearly succeeded were alternating moments of "well, this is it. I'm actually going," interjected with "feeling woozy, last thing i'll ever see. this may not be the best idea" That survival instinct is so strong and death in my opinion is not an easy way out, nor is it a cowards way out. It's beyond description and it isn't nice.

The thought that there are other people feeling the same, who are in similar positions to me pains me. Honestly, I think a many of us want to be supported;not railroaded, indoctrinated or threatened with conformity. To be provided a sanctuary for who we are and not subjugate to the expectations of others and recieve practical, appropriate and constructive support. Some organisations are getting there, there's slow change happening. I really hope you reconsider your position:as I mentioned, death represents a potential of 0. Even if there is pain there at least there remain possibilities. Feel free to chat

 

[Bounceounce]

I'm gonna try and get on some anti-depressant next year and hope that it can help me get myself in order.
Humans are simply biological automatons, and it's clear at this point in time that my wiring is malfunctioning/short circuiting, which is sadly just the brain I was born with.
It's only a matter of time before I have some sort of mental breakdown and end up homeless again, killing myself, or in a mental institution, I can only fend it off for so long.

 

[Spectone]

I was hoping this wouldn't be the fifth Christmas in a row I've attempted to kill myself. I was fine up until today but I can't take the cyber bullying anymore.

When I was really ill earlier this year I forced myself off of certain areas of the Internet, mainly any International news even neo gaf OT. This helped me and eventually I was able to go back.

 

[Booker Dewitt]

Don't know where else I could put this, but this Christmas marked ten years to the day since my grandmother on my father's side passed away. I never spent much time with her, but I wanted to say somewhere that I miss her.

Spoke to my mom a couple hours ago, told how I may come back to Florida depending on how the tax return shakes out. Didn't have the brave to tell her that I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation earlier this month.
Edit: contacted four separate people who said the were always there for me about a moving to Anchorage cuz Fuck it, no response.