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[tearsofash]

When I was really ill earlier this year I forced myself off of certain areas of the Internet, mainly any International news even neo gaf OT. This helped me and eventually I was able to go back.

I'm just glad I got juniored. Any time I would make a thread and talk about my past everyone would misinterpret half the story or people would dig up old posts I had made about certain meltdowns I had and would lambast me for it. I try to stick to Dragon Ball GAF, FFXIV, and transGAF. I don't really have much else to occupy my time with. One of my friends pays for me to have a phone, so of course I use it to get on the internet.

I don't really have depression. I have other issues that are mostly behavioral. An average person doesn't really understand a personality disorder or understand just how irrational and unstable it can make you. It's dangerous. You're suffering and you don't have anywhere to turn to, so you turn to the Internet and they all jump down your throat. But you're desperate for help. You want to feel better. So you keep coming back. You keep checking that one forum hoping someone will say "hey lets chat" instead of "hey you should jump in an oven."

And honestly, it's really just a thing with online communities. It's largely anonymous and we don't take the time to really get to know someone, and you can't even *really* know them in the first place.

I do have a lot of support from friends in real life, but they're all halfway across the country now. But like I said, people don't really relate to personality disorders and that causes conflict. I am actually doing pretty well on a grander scale. I just can't stand the holidays cause it reinforces every bad thing I irrationally believe about myself. The simple fact of the matter is that I have borderline and our types have very frequent suicidal ideation. You never really get used to it. Sometimes you post about it. Then over the years you've posted about it "too much" and all of a sudden it has become for attention only. And you know, maybe it is about attention. A common side effect of BPD is depersonalization and derealization, which are dissociative disorders. You don't feel like you exist. It's beyond just being "lonely" so maybe you cry out for attention in some sort of last-ditch-effort to prove you are real. But it's not like an "I'm lonely look at me lol" type thing. Some people just want to fade into the background, but borderline people just want to know if the background is real.

I've probably rambled, but I think it's important that personality disorders are better understood.

 

[FatalT]

I'm just glad I got juniored. Any time I would make a thread and talk about my past everyone would misinterpret half the story or people would dig up old posts I had made about certain meltdowns I had and would lambast me for it. I try to stick to Dragon Ball GAF, FFXIV, and transGAF. I don't really have much else to occupy my time with. One of my friends pays for me to have a phone, so of course I use it to get on the internet.

I don't really have depression. I have other issues that are mostly behavioral. An average person doesn't really understand a personality disorder or understand just how irrational and unstable it can make you. It's dangerous. You're suffering and you don't have anywhere to turn to, so you turn to the Internet and they all jump down your throat. But you're desperate for help. You want to feel better. So you keep coming back. You keep checking that one forum hoping someone will say "hey lets chat" instead of "hey you should jump in an oven."

And honestly, it's really just a thing with online communities. It's largely anonymous and we don't take the time to really get to know someone, and you can't even *really* know them in the first place.

I do have a lot of support from friends in real life, but they're all halfway across the country now. But like I said, people don't really relate to personality disorders and that causes conflict. I am actually doing pretty well on a grander scale. I just can't stand the holidays cause it reinforces every bad thing I irrationally believe about myself. The simple fact of the matter is that I have borderline and our types have very frequent suicidal ideation. You never really get used to it. Sometimes you post about it. Then over the years you've posted about it "too much" and all of a sudden it has become for attention only. And you know, maybe it is about attention. A common side effect of BPD is depersonalization and derealization, which are dissociative disorders. You don't feel like you exist. It's beyond just being "lonely" so maybe you cry out for attention in some sort of last-ditch-effort to prove you are real. But it's not like an "I'm lonely look at me lol" type thing. Some people just want to fade into the background, but borderline people just want to know if the background is real.

I've probably rambled, but I think it's important that personality disorders are better understood.

I just wanted you to know that I read this post and really appreciate it. That's too real.

 

[JDHarbs]

My family just bailed on me on my birthday

 

[redlegs87]

My family just bailed on me on my birthday

I am sorry to hear that. I was bailed on yesterday but for a valid reason as my sister had to take my mom back to the hospital due to an infection after hip surgery. Sometimes family can be shitty and it really does suck when it happens. Happy birthday btw.

 

[Freeza Under The Shower]

I'm just glad I got juniored. Any time I would make a thread and talk about my past everyone would misinterpret half the story or people would dig up old posts I had made about certain meltdowns I had and would lambast me for it. I try to stick to Dragon Ball GAF, FFXIV, and transGAF. I don't really have much else to occupy my time with. One of my friends pays for me to have a phone, so of course I use it to get on the internet.

I don't really have depression. I have other issues that are mostly behavioral. An average person doesn't really understand a personality disorder or understand just how irrational and unstable it can make you. It's dangerous. You're suffering and you don't have anywhere to turn to, so you turn to the Internet and they all jump down your throat. But you're desperate for help. You want to feel better. So you keep coming back. You keep checking that one forum hoping someone will say "hey lets chat" instead of "hey you should jump in an oven."

And honestly, it's really just a thing with online communities. It's largely anonymous and we don't take the time to really get to know someone, and you can't even *really* know them in the first place.

I do have a lot of support from friends in real life, but they're all halfway across the country now. But like I said, people don't really relate to personality disorders and that causes conflict. I am actually doing pretty well on a grander scale. I just can't stand the holidays cause it reinforces every bad thing I irrationally believe about myself. The simple fact of the matter is that I have borderline and our types have very frequent suicidal ideation. You never really get used to it. Sometimes you post about it. Then over the years you've posted about it "too much" and all of a sudden it has become for attention only. And you know, maybe it is about attention. A common side effect of BPD is depersonalization and derealization, which are dissociative disorders. You don't feel like you exist. It's beyond just being "lonely" so maybe you cry out for attention in some sort of last-ditch-effort to prove you are real. But it's not like an "I'm lonely look at me lol" type thing. Some people just want to fade into the background, but borderline people just want to know if the background is real.

I've probably rambled, but I think it's important that personality disorders are better understood.

I think it's a good post.

There is also an inherent lack of commitment on the internet though. In real life, you commit to conversations with people. In a virtual voluntary environment, there is no such commitment. It also brings out something worse than that, and that is the lack of the required empathy that we would have in a real conversation (because for one, an actual person can hurt you, so you try to avoid that), leading to a whole lot of "jerking around", basically.

That said, I also wouldn't know a great many things I've learned from others if I didn't post on either this board or other boards. It's a mixed blessing, and needs to be understood as such, I think.
General gaf or general reddit or general anything is not prepared to have a serious discussion about anything, so you definitely need that community self-selection you mentioned.
For what it's worth, I'd like to think this thread at least provides that community.

I have no documented history of mental illness, barring anonymous posts on forums, which can't be easily traced back to me.

I'm sorry, but since you are clearly aware you have mental illness, wouldn't it be much better to ask for professional help? You probably think avoiding it is 'less effort' but in reality there is little harm in asking for help. I know that's hard to do, but it's far, far, far less harmful than harming yourself.
I mean, you're asking about a will, it's hard not to induce that you have motive towards self-harm.

 

[Vincent Alexander]

Dumb question, but how does one tell the difference between just being sad and depression? I've started thinking more and more I might be depressed, but I'm not sure if I'm convincing myself a bit like a hypochondriac would. I'm not always sad, but feel like it's taking less and less to ruin my mood. One bad thing and I am guaranteed to be in a bad mood the rest of the day and maybe next.

 

[Hey_Blinkin]

I've been having some crazy optimistic/pessimistic swings lately. It's not uncommon for me to go back and forth 3 or 4 times a day. Like "I'll be alone forever" to "Happiness is right around the corner!" bullshit. I guess I should be happy about the optimistic swings. It's just the smallest paranoid thought can send me back down to the bottom. I'm not on any medication so it's definitely not that. I swear sometimes I just feel like I'm losing my mind.

I've pretty much just convinced myself I just need to find something, anything to live for. It's just hard to find that "something" when you're so emotionally numb to almost everything. I keep telling myself that a relationship is the answer, but that just seems so far out of reach.

 

[Sectorseven]

Dumb question, but how does one tell the difference between just being sad and depression? I've started thinking more and more I might be depressed, but I'm not sure if I'm convincing myself a bit like a hypochondriac would. I'm not always sad, but feel like it's taking less and less to ruin my mood. One bad thing and I am guaranteed to be in a bad mood the rest of the day and maybe next.

Sadness would probably be linked to a specific event, depending on how long ago it occurred. The only official way to diagnose depression is via the Hamilton Depression Scale (administered by a professional), but even then, it's real easy to misinterpret.

I've been having some crazy optimistic/pessimistic swings lately. It's not uncommon for me to go back and forth 3 or 4 times a day. Like "I'll be alone forever" to "Happiness is right around the corner!" bullshit. I guess I should be happy about the optimistic swings. It's just the smallest paranoid thought can send me back down to the bottom. I'm not on any medication so it's definitely not that. I swear sometimes I just feel like I'm losing my mind.

I've pretty much just convinced myself I just need to find something, anything to live for. It's just hard to find that "something" when you're so emotionally numb to almost everything. I keep telling myself that a relationship is the answer, but that just seems so far out of reach.

Have you tried volunteering? I've found it helpful.

 

[SuperInuit]

i'm back home from uni for the holiday, and i don't skirt around how shit my mental health is with my parents and they try to help a lot...
but it's getting more and more difficult to downplay the actual effects for them; a lot of the time when i'd just fuck off for a cigarette or alone time because my mood is so low all i want to do is die i now have to bury deep down and just endure through it, which makes me exhausted. and i don't bring up any of my hallucinations, just because i don't want to scare them. the last thing my family needs is another one of us going down the shitter for whatever reason, and it constantly upsets me that i am.

 

[Anung]

Had a void feeling in my chest all evening. Heavily considering selling all my things and leaving the money to my girlfriend. The suicidal ideation and depression has plagued and fucked my life up so much that I don't think I can get better from it.

 

[Prez]

Are there better alternatives for Valium? Ever since I started taking it, I feel much more assertive, have more confidence and take more initiative. It actually gives me more energy strangely enough. I don't want anti-depressants, I've had plenty experience with them for 7 years.

 

[Rainy]

I feel like nothing has gone right for me this year. It's sucked, I hate my life.

 

[tearsofash]

Dumb question, but how does one tell the difference between just being sad and depression? I've started thinking more and more I might be depressed, but I'm not sure if I'm convincing myself a bit like a hypochondriac would. I'm not always sad, but feel like it's taking less and less to ruin my mood. One bad thing and I am guaranteed to be in a bad mood the rest of the day and maybe next.

Sad is an emotion.

Depression is usually categorized by lethargy, loss of interest in things, poor appetitie (over/under), poor sleep, etc. Usually lasts 2-6 weeks (i made that number up tbh, but it's from my experience). It's more a full-body thing that just like feelings and stuff.

 

[pigeon interrupted]

I feel like nothing has gone right for me this year. It's sucked, I hate my life.

The bright side is you're still here with us and President Elect Donald trump. And it's the yearly celebration of a fat man breaking into our houses. It could be

Spoiler

a little

worse. What has gone so wrong with your year?

I fucking hate New Years eve, its probably the worst day in the year to not have friends.

Spending it with my parents and some of their frends, going to do my best pretending to have a good time.

I'll be right there with you, fighting back the tears

Spoiler

unsuccessfully

. I'm going to order a pizza to go with the tears and eat it alone in my room. ANTISOCIAL

 

[Hermii]

I fucking hate New Years eve, its probably the worst day in the year to not have friends.

Spending it with my parents and some of their frends, going to do my best pretending to have a good time.

 

[Puck Beaverton]

I fucking hate New Years eve, its probably the worst day in the year to not have friends.

As someone who has a couple friends I still find it to be a pretty lonely experience. Shit sucks.

 

[How About No]

I fucking hate New Years eve, its probably the worst day in the year to not have friends.

Spending it with my parents and some of their frends, going to do my best pretending to have a good time.

I usually spend mine alone too. I still remember the one I went to a bar for a beer and just read GAF on my phone lolz

My friends either live too far away or are doing stuff with their families, but...maybe I should check to see what their plans actually are. I have a little bit of guilt if I hang out with one but not able to with the others :/

Eh it's just a day anyways.

 

[jb1234]

I'm almost always alone on New Years Eve. No real friends left here in the city. Sucks. That said, I might try and make something out of it anyway.

 

[Hey_Blinkin]

I'll probably go to a local bar for a couple hours on New Year's Eve and stare at my phone. Constantly being paranoid that someone is talking about me. Hoping that maybe some woman will come up and talk to me. Then I'll tip way too much before I go because if I don't I'll worry that the bartender will think I'm cheap. At home later that night I'll sit in my recliner rehashing every verbal exchange I had with the bartender worrying that I came off as weird. So why go at all then? I'll take the 0.01% chance of meeting someone over sitting at home wishing I could force myself to be more outgoing.

It struck me today at work that I haven't had what I would consider a "friend" in over 13 years. I haven't had a real personal conversation with another person in over 13 years. It's nothing but pleasantries with my family. And my conversations at work are just nonsense to pass the time. I'm tempted to start seeing a therapist if nothing else than to have someone, anyone to have real conversation with. Even if it does cost $100 for a half hour and I have to get a second job to afford it. Maybe I'll make that a New Year's Resolution, as if I've ever stuck to them before.

 

[HashtagLapsed]

My NYE will probably be pretty miserable.

I mentioned in an earlier post this on again, off again not-in-a-relationship but sort of are thing I have been wrapped up in over the last.. 5 years. Earlier this year she said she wanted to move in together, getting pets and that type of thing, things were pretty clearly moving forward then radio silence out of nowhere for no reason. Which is a similar pattern in whatever this friendship is.

We didn't speak until a few weeks ago, we hung out before Christmas and everything was fine and platonic, she invited me to her place for NYE, now silence again. And I've already pissed people off by declining invitations to their shit. So it is most likely I'll be alone.

We have both done things like this to each other and have hurt each other plenty over the years (mostly inadvertently and unconsciously), but after this year I really feel like I'm done. I just can't tear myself apart like this anymore. And so many potential relationships I've walked away from, hoping this would one day work. So many of my best memories involve this person, it fucking sucks and is so horribly painful and I still care about her so much, she has a lot of mental health issues as well.

So yeah. I'm just looking forward to picking myself back up and moving forward. But I'll let myself feel how bad this feels, for now.

 

[Vaudeville Villain]

I'm dead inside. I feel literally nothing at this point of my life. I hate everyone and everything, including myself. I have an appointment to meet a therapist soon, but I know it wont do anything for me because I'm at a point where I wouldn't care to say anything, i'd rather just sit quiet and slowly slip into death at some point (not suicide, im too much of a pussy).

 

[Goney]

I'll probably go to a local bar for a couple hours on New Year's Eve and stare at my phone. Constantly being paranoid that someone is talking about me. Hoping that maybe some woman will come up and talk to me. Then I'll tip way too much before I go because if I don't I'll worry that the bartender will think I'm cheap. At home later that night I'll sit in my recliner rehashing every verbal exchange I had with the bartender worrying that I came off as weird. So why go at all then? I'll take the 0.01% chance of meeting someone over sitting at home wishing I could force myself to be more outgoing.

It struck me today at work that I haven't had what I would consider a "friend" in over 13 years. I haven't had a real personal conversation with another person in over 13 years. It's nothing but pleasantries with my family. And my conversations at work are just nonsense to pass the time. I'm tempted to start seeing a therapist if nothing else than to have someone, anyone to have real conversation with. Even if it does cost $100 for a half hour and I have to get a second job to afford it. Maybe I'll make that a New Year's Resolution, as if I've ever stuck to them before.

You basically described every solo bar outing I've had for the past 2-3 years. I know how it feels. I would certainly recommend finding a therapist of some kind. I've only been seeing therapists for a short while, but it is nice to have someone to bounce words off of. And in the end they are there to help you.

 

[Anth0ny]

one of those days

my depression is reaching the point where i literally can't find enjoyment in anything anymore. right now i just want to sleep but i'm not tired and it's just painful.

ugh

 

[Rainy]

The bright side is you're still here with us and President Elect Donald trump. And it's the yearly celebration of a fat man breaking into our houses. It could be

Spoiler

a little

worse. What has gone so wrong with your year?

I go to medical school across the country so it's hard being so far from my family, especially when a lot of my classmates live so close. I know it's only temporary but it sucks. My dad also had heart surgery just earlier this month so I've been worried about his health.

And I guess I just feel lonely. This winter break was so stressful and I have to go back to school in a few days.

Maybe these all seem like trivial reasons in retrospect....I should go see a therapist or something.

 

[pigeon interrupted]

I go to medical school across the country so it's hard being so far from my family, especially when a lot of my classmates live so close. I know it's only temporary but it sucks. My dad also had heart surgery just earlier this month so I've been worried about his health.

And I guess I just feel lonely. This winter break was so stressful and I have to go back to school in a few days.

Maybe these all seem like trivial reasons in retrospect....I should go see a therapist or something.

Medical school is such a tough gig. So much emphasis to excel and the course fees, wow. It's a lot of stress anyway, especially being away from home. I used to get homesick commuting daily, one town over for university. In hindsight, it was an excuse to miss the bus and scive off in cafe or shopping mall.

Hang in there with med school, compartmentalizing of feelings is a hard and not that healthy thing but so many are in the same boat. Treating the course as separate modules, like individual miles towards a finish line is something to do, kinda obvious though. Maybe there's an onsite councilor you can have some sessions with, or failing that you could try Samaritans; they're not just there for suicidal feelings or life threatening stuff. I was reading through their site last while feeling a little desperate-they seem really decent.

Sorry about your dads condition, at least the further he gets from the surgery the body recovers. My dad's been sick all year, finally recovering from a prostate operation. Nhs had him catheterized from january to November, much avoidable pain but for the yearlong waiting lists. If you ever visit the uk and somebody like a cabby attempts to extol the virtues of this nation: best health service in the world, best hospitality in the world, best system of government in the world, could you punch them for me, or mace them.

Shame Christmas has turned out that way for you-enjoy the warmth of your home and keep looking forward. Best wishes to your family. I hear on gaf that 2017 will be free from tragedy. So, there's that.

 

[Goney]

I keep thinking about getting a dog.

I feel like it would benefit me.

But I'm terrified of not being able to properly care for one :\

 

[half a moon]

I keep thinking about getting a dog.

I feel like it would benefit me.

But I'm terrified of not being able to properly care for one :

It would definitely benefit you.

Around here you can pay $90 and get one with a chip, shots, fixed, first vet visit free.

Then you got food, yearly shots, and emergency care. Vets will usually do payment plans.

Not sure about pet insurance.

 

[Prax]

Dropping by to wish everyone a better year coming hopefully! Or just to stay as well as possible.

I know I haven't been able to come in and respond very often, but I'm been busy and also procrastinating on everything in my life. It gets hard to maintain social interactions--even internet ones. I think as an introverted person, after a certain amount of even inane things, like tweets, I lose energy for more sustained typing. lol

I still well up a bit every time something about mental health comes up, whether it's a mental health awareness poster at work, or Bell's "Let's Talk" campaign stuff appearing on the bus or tv.

Good stuff that has been happening for me:
I used to work part-time, and I'd call in sick or be 10-20 min late a lot because I made bad decisions when it came to sleep. I'd get just a little nap and then wake up with what felt like a panic attack (pulse weird, heart feeling weak, head no thinking right) and not feel well enough to come in. I thank my stars my job is lowly-but-unionized (grocery stocking night shift!), so it was harder to become fired. lol I think the part-time nature with somewhat changing schedule also didn't help things, even though the hours were regular.

Anyway, I applied for a full-time position and cleaned up my sleep act a little and I haven't been late since. Even though that leaves me less free time to do whatever the heck (waste time lol), it gives me a lot more structure in my life, which is always helpful for those of us who have anxiety issues. I am about to pass my 3 month probation, so even if I kind of screw up later, short of massive theft or violence, it will be hard to lose my position. PHEW! So much anxiety off my shoulders!

My friend also recently got back on anti-anxiety meds and it's made a world of difference for her. She used to be unable to drive without panic attacks, used to hear nagging voices begging her, and could barely shop by herself or interact with cashiers in a cafe to order something. Now she feels the quiet she needs to gain that bit of confidence to give herself that forward push and momentum. She finally did it because she has a kid that depends on her to do this. It would be better if she had done all this earlier, but any reason is a good reason. Life isn't perfect, but she's building herself up slowly.

I think a lot of people feel extra pressures which leads to more severe mental health issues from places like comparing themselves to others or feel their lack of something as a personal mark against their soul or moral character. The world today is one without a lot of anchorage, everything is new and fast-paced, and can lead to possible chaos, but I think many people need to feel a sense of stability or else they get lost in all that instead of excited. I think for the majority of people, it's best if they can establish a stable routine or foundation, add in things they gain some semblance of enjoyment from, and some kind of reciprocal relationship--whether it's caring for plants or a pet or contributing to the community is some way (job, church, volunteer, etc). Give yourself some anchor to put some roots on so you can grow and explore and thrive. That's my thinking.

I also think that while true that we may all ultimately be alone in the end, we still choose to reach out to one another, and that's kind of beautiful and nice. We're all trying, you know.

 

[Hale-XF11]

I'm just not cut out for this life. Woke up this morning and all I can think about is how much I want to go back to bed and sleep forever. I just don't have the energy or the will power to continue on like this. I don't want to be here anymore.

 

[J_Macgrady]

I'm just not cut out for this life. Woke up this morning and all I can think about is how much I want to go back to bed and sleep forever. I just don't have the energy or the will power to continue on like this. I don't want to be here anymore.

Don't say you're not cut out for life. This isn't a race or any other competition. It took me awhile to get rid of that way of thinking after the major depressive episode I experienced back in 2012-2013. Are you taking any medication?

 

[Hale-XF11]

Don't say you're not cut out for life. This isn't a race or any other competition. It took me awhile to get rid of that way of thinking after the major depressive episode I experienced back in 2012-2013. Are you taking any medication?

I'm not talking about racing or competing. I'm just talking basic survival. No meds.

 

[J_Macgrady]

I'm not talking about racing or competing. I'm just talking basic survival. No meds.

Is it possible for you to see a psychiatrist? What's been bothering you overall?

 

[Hale-XF11]

Is it possible for you to see a psychiatrist? What's been bothering you overall?

Maybe, I don't know. I'm about to lose my health care since I can't afford it anymore. So much is bothering me, I don't even know where to begin. Perhaps the worst feeling right now is an overwhelming sense of loneliness. I feel like I'm fighting this all by myself and I'm not strong enough to fight anymore.

 

[Evil Monkey DTT]

I swear to god I don't think I can be a functional human being. Mental breakdowns every other day, my girlfriend won't talk to me (more on that in a bit), and everyone is just looking at me like I'm useless. Literally everyone thinks of me like that and at some point you fucking believe it.

So my girlfriend (who is long distance) needs emotional support, like for a long time she's needed that and I am not capable of giving it. For about 4 years we've been together and this past year every time I say the wrong thing she gets angry or hurt and I freeze up. So now she doesn't talk to me, there's no point right. I either say nothing or "I'm sorry, that's awful" and there's more expected of me that I just can't fucking figure out.

And it's entirely my fault I know it is, I can't think straight. I have so much fucking guilt on my shoulders in general and my self-loathing has fully integrated into my day to day. She's also the only support I have, so losing her means losing literally any reason to live.

Before anyone comments I know I'm pathetic, like I fucking know that. I have tried to change every single day, and I mean real tries. Every time I fail I take it in and make a rule set in my head saying "don't do this, do this then" but then life isn't that binary and I just end up fucking up completely by shutting myself off because I'm scared to do anything. And I don't fucking get why I have so much trouble with this shit, I'm a social person! I have fun in groups, I'm good at listening. But you put in a position where someone trusts me emotionally and I just don't fucking say anything useful. It's like the only part I'm good at is being in a group of people that don't need to depend on me. That's it's, that's like all I fucking mastered after 25 years.

This self-loathing shit is the worst, I can't turn it fucking off. Yes I'm seeing a therapist and yes I'm taking antidepressants but neither help that much. And when everyone around me is just frustrated with me, like I know I need to be fucking better but I honestly think I'm not fucking capable when every emotion or reaction is wrong. As a human being I'm just objectively wrong and I'm just fucking losing it.

 

[Prax]

I'm just not cut out for this life. Woke up this morning and all I can think about is how much I want to go back to bed and sleep forever. I just don't have the energy or the will power to continue on like this. I don't want to be here anymore.

I think a lot about this sometimes, but lately my mind has floated over to a "oh well" mindset about it. Even if you're not "cut out for it", you're still alive somehow, so.. good job body? I think it's okay to not try to "fight" all the time. You don't have to fight yourself. There are times when you can just "make peace" and roll with what you have and are able to do at the moment and not beat yourself up about it.

I think focus on one thing at a time is best instead of thinking about the future, since it's making you even more anxious. Do you go out or have a job? A way to socialize? Try to look for little bits of connection and interaction to keep you feeling linked to your own humanity. You can also volunteer for causes or see what community events are going on locally or online.

I swear to god I don't think I can be a functional human being. Mental breakdowns every other day, my girlfriend won't talk to me (more on that in a bit), and everyone is just looking at me like I'm useless. Literally everyone thinks of me like that and at some point you fucking believe it.

So my girlfriend (who is long distance) needs emotional support, like for a long time she's needed that and I am not capable of giving it. For about 4 years we've been together and this past year every time I say the wrong thing she gets angry or hurt and I freeze up. So now she doesn't talk to me, there's no point right. I either say nothing or "I'm sorry, that's awful" and there's more expected of me that I just can't fucking figure out.

And it's entirely my fault I know it is, I can't think straight. I have so much fucking guilt on my shoulders in general and my self-loathing has fully integrated into my day to day. She's also the only support I have, so losing her means losing literally any reason to live.

Before anyone comments I know I'm pathetic, like I fucking know that. I have tried to change every single day, and I mean real tries. Every time I fail I take it in and make a rule set in my head saying "don't do this, do this then" but then life isn't that binary and I just end up fucking up completely by shutting myself off because I'm scared to do anything. And I don't fucking get why I have so much trouble with this shit, I'm a social person! I have fun in groups, I'm good at listening. But you put in a position where someone trusts me emotionally and I just don't fucking say anything useful. It's like the only part I'm good at is being in a group of people that don't need to depend on me. That's it's, that's like all I fucking mastered after 25 years.

This self-loathing shit is the worst, I can't turn it fucking off. Yes I'm seeing a therapist and yes I'm taking antidepressants but neither help that much. And when everyone around me is just frustrated with me, like I know I need to be fucking better but I honestly think I'm not fucking capable when every emotion or reaction is wrong. As a human being I'm just objectively wrong and I'm just fucking losing it.

In what way are your reactions wrong? Maybe that is just the way you communicate and it's at odds with the people around you (I have a few friends and family members like this lol they are bad at expressing sympathy, even when they do feel deeply or are generally sensitive), but it's not necessarily wrong, and there might be ways you can leverage the emotional skills you do have within yourself that people do appreciate.

I think in your case, if I have you pinned down right, you can tell them that you don't usually know the right words to say or know what to do for them, but "you know, you have my support, so just tell me if you really need something and if I can provide it, I will." People usually have expectations of others that aren't necessarily communicated well, and that leads to a lot of anxiety if you are the odd guy out who doesn't know the "rules", and then your inaction might be taken for "coldness" when really you are just really scared of making the wrong moves. And don't worry about age. I'm like 32 and I'm not even good in groups or one-on-one really, but I have mellowed out about caring too much over time. lol

 

[J_Macgrady]

Maybe, I don't know. I'm about to lose my health care since I can't afford it anymore. So much is bothering me, I don't even know where to begin. Perhaps the worst feeling right now is an overwhelming sense of loneliness. I feel like I'm fighting this all by myself and I'm not strong enough to fight anymore.

Damn losing health care must suck. I don't have any advice to give about that, but I can say that you should let go of the "strong enough" mentality. I know from personal experience that every time I thought I like that it made things worse for me. It's hard accepting feeling vulnerable to an extreme degree and not have control over it, but now I just embrace those sensitive feelings and not care about the things that used to bother me.

Just be easy on yourself. Don't try hard to fight this stuff.

Do you have anyone that can help you with your health care situation?

 

[Jonogunn]

I keep thinking about getting a dog.

I feel like it would benefit me.

But I'm terrified of not being able to properly care for one :

From my experience if you're a really depressed person and you're not used to taking care of others getting a pet will make things worse.

 

[Hale-XF11]

I think a lot about this sometimes, but lately my mind has floated over to a "oh well" mindset about it. Even if you're not "cut out for it", you're still alive somehow, so.. good job body? I think it's okay to not try to "fight" all the time. You don't have to fight yourself. There are times when you can just "make peace" and roll with what you have and are able to do at the moment and not beat yourself up about it.

I think focus on one thing at a time is best instead of thinking about the future, since it's making you even more anxious. Do you go out or have a job? A way to socialize? Try to look for little bits of connection and interaction to keep you feeling linked to your own humanity. You can also volunteer for causes or see what community events are going on locally or online.

I have a job, but zero social life. I kinda gave up on all that a while ago. I find it really difficult to fit in anywhere, even in circles of people who share the same interests as me.

Damn losing health care must suck. I don't have any advice to give about that, but I can say that you should let go of the "strong enough" mentality. I know from personal experience that every time I thought I like that it made things worse for me. It's hard accepting feeling vulnerable to an extreme degree and not have control over it, but now I just embrace those sensitive feelings and not care about the things that used to bother me.

Just be easy on yourself. Don't try hard to fight this stuff.

Do you have anyone that can help you with your health care situation?

Not sure who could help me with health care. I guess I don't know what to do about that, since I can't afford insurance, but I'm also not poor enough to qualify for medicare. Funny how that works.

Anyways, I appreciate you guys saying I should go easy on myself. I'll try my best to do that. I don't know where to go from here, but I guess I'll just continue to take it one day at a time until I either figure something out or give up for good.

 

[pigeon interrupted]

The world today is one without a lot of anchorage, everything is new and fast-paced, and can lead to possible chaos, but I think many people need to feel a sense of stability or else they get lost in all that instead of excited. I think for the majority of people, it's best if they can establish a stable routine or foundation, add in things they gain some semblance of enjoyment from, and some kind of reciprocal relationship--whether it's caring for plants or a pet or contributing to the community is some way (job, church, volunteer, etc). Give yourself some anchor to put some roots on so you can grow and explore and thrive. That's my thinking.

I also think that while true that we may all ultimately be alone in the end, we still choose to reach out to one another, and that's kind of beautiful and nice. We're all trying, you know.

Thanks for the words, they make a lot of sense to me. I hold similar views but am having problems putting some of them into practice (social stuff) since I would love to help or volunteer. I am looking into this organisation which calls up old folks to chat. Just to shoot the wind. When you've been in a similar position for whatever reason, the most basic gesture of kindness can mean everything. Words have weight. Glad to hear you are getting on better.

I keep thinking about getting a dog.

I feel like it would benefit me.

But I'm terrified of not being able to properly care for one :\

Which breed of dog are you thinking of getting? I'm also thinking about buying a dog later this year. First time owner, also intimidated, mostly by literally having a living soul depend on me alone. Can I recommend a book by Cesar Milan--How to Raise The Perfect Dog.
I have used it as a buffer and as a primer; cover to cover, handwritten notes and all--a time delay before said purchase--to really prepare myself as best I could to take charge of a little life for the next decade -hopefully. A similar book would suffice

You seem okay to me, I'm

Spoiler

not

an expert. I think the dog would be good for you, too.

Spoiler

Gonna cash my royalty check from Cesar Milan, now.

From my experience if you're a really depressed person and you're not used to taking care of others getting a pet will make things worse.

Well, the healing companionship of pets would be a shame to deny to people-as long as they can care adequately for the animal, I think it's great idea and so do many therapists. As long as you clear up after them...

 

[JDHarbs]

So glad to call this year over tonight. What a rollercoaster of a journey it's been.

I started the year on such a high note. I was in my final semester at cc, working incredibly hard, made some friends, and even joined a school club. Holy shit, was this real? Halfway through the semester, I got a freelance job offer. Holy shit x2! Then I met a girl. Holy shit x3! After 10 years of battling my way through depression and anxiety, I suddenly had everything I ever wanted.

Then one by one I lost all of those things. School ended so no more friends, no more club, and it was time to enter the real world. That got to me. I wasn't ready. I had just started to enjoy my school years and now they were over forever? I started having an existential crisis, and was in a state of constant panic over the next few months. Worst timing possible. I couldn't calm down or focus on anything. My mind was in overdrive from the moment I woke up to whenever it eventually exhausted itself enough to get some sleep. This lasted for three months. Luckily the girl I met was out of town for most of this time, but things didn't last long after she got back. I lost her too. My job contract ended soon after that, and I wasn't offered another.

The next 4 months were the worst 4 months of my life. I had dreamed of having these things for so long and as soon as I got them I couldn't handle them. I never had more doubt in my life about my future so my self-esteem plummeted, my depression/anxiety reached all-time highs, and every step I took to improve was met by another set-back. Constant rejection from the job hunt and dating worlds kept my confidence low. Celebrity deaths were a consistent reminder that my youth was over and my own clock was ticking despite my age. Political events fueled my doubt of a brighter future. I wasn't eating much, and all of the things I used to love doing suddenly became stale. I was a zombie.

After gaining some perspective, this year has been the wake-up call that I always needed. I had been dragging my feet through life waiting for the day that change would fall into my lap. The planets aligned to deliver it by one brutal loss after another, but maybe that was the only way it was going to click for me. It's time to stop being afraid. Time to stop running. I had to make some serious foundational changes to myself. Dealing with depression/anxiety makes it easy to become self-centered, or at least seem like you are. I never helped people or took an interest in how they were, even my own family, and yet I wondered why I had no support group through these years. It's like trying to fight a reflex, but I have to change this.

Now, I'm trying to start the new year off right. I'm volunteering at a children's hospital soon which should do wonders for me. I worked up the courage to reconnect with some old friends so I actually get out of the house occasionally now. I keep grinding through job applications and interviews. As soon as I can afford it, I want to see someone about my mental health and hopefully start CBT. I'm looking into schools for my bachelor's degree.

This thread has been critical to my progression this year. I want to thank anyone who has been reading my posts as well as others, and I wish you all the best heading into the new year.

As always, if anyone ever wants someone to chat with. Please don't hesitate to PM me. I'm on here all the time and will respond as quickly as I can.

 

[Bagels]

To revisit the OP, I want to offer my most heartfelt thanks to all of you who cast a little light during a very dark year. I'm not alone is saying each and every one of you helped us all keep going.

My favorite quotes are about the points of light that shine through in the darkness. - "When it's dark enough, you can see the stars." "et lux in tenebris lucet [and the light shines in the darkness]" - they remind me of lying on the dock in Maine (my favorite place on Earth), gazing up at the stars. More symbolically, I think of the things - events, but mostly people - that shone so brightly during the worst years of my life - those points of light.

It’s easy to look at your own life, life in your country, our collective life here on earth, as being like the night sky, and think that the darkness fills so so much of the sky, so much of our lives.

And it does. It absolutely does.

As you recover from mental illness, and if you are lucky enough to know the people I have met - all of you - you realize you’re looking at it wrong, the sky thing.

“Once there was only dark. You ask me, the light’s winning.”

But if 2016 taught me anything, it's that I cannot fall back into a belief that being in the right means I am somehow contributing; the light does not win simply by being right. It's easy to become complacent and smug, delighting in the knowledge that the facts, ethics, basic human decency, all of it, is on your side. I can feel good about my beliefs and do nothing more than re-post things I agree with. But I know now more than ever that I need to be out there in the world, living my beliefs, setting an example, fighting for the things I believe in, fighting for the people I care about. If I did anything in this community and helped anyone, it was because I worked hard at being there for people and tried to shine a tiny light in the darkness. Stars are not passive things; enormous energy goes into even the tiniest pinprick of light you see against the night sky. I need to put in more work than ever if I want to be a light for people. I hope you'll all join me in that, as much as you can.

Depression and anxiety involve a collapse inward. Your mind implodes under the weight of the negative thoughts, self hatred, and constant nervous energy. As your mind turns inward, you end up isolating more and more. It's a vicious cycle.

Many (most?) of us also have legitimate reasons to turn away from others - we've been hurt, used, and abandoned. It all reinforces a retreat into our own minds and our own rooms. It makes perfect sense.

My own recovery has involved a turn outward, asking less what people and things can do to fix me, and asking more what I can do to help others. I had to get a lot of help before I could begin trying to do that - I'm not saying people need to just snap to it and get out there and help people. It's often so very hard to know what "helping other people" even means. I don't always know what I need; how can I tell what anyone else needs?

And I am not saying I am not a selfish person with my own (often outsized) needs, both reasonable and unreasonable.

The crazy thing is, the more I try to focus on helping others, being a good friend, being a good husband and father, being a good coworker, the better I feel about my own issues. I fail a lot at all of it, but I like making my family laugh; I like being a helpful, upbeat person at work (the department can be a little grumpy); I like supporting my friends and telling them I love them. I get out of my own head and spend less energy endlessly ruminating on the same issues.

As one of my favorite singers says, "We'll cast some light and you'll be alright."


I'm always here if you need me. If I can't reply right away, I will always find time to get back to you. I appreciate more than I can say how much and how often you are all here for me. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for all you have done over the past several years for me. You all matter to me.

Let's cast some more light in 2017.

 

[Animator]

Is there a discord yet guys, I can't find the link in the OP.

 

[SkyTurnsRed]

Has anyone had experience with CBT without using medication?

I met with a therapist on Saturday to deal with my existential anxiety regarding death. It's gotten to the point that I can't look at anything in the world without wondering why anyone else isn't freaking out or the fact that everything will end. I don't want to live like this anymore - it's lasted for eight years, and while I was able to sometimes control it, I've been absolutely non-functional the past week, obsessing over it.

I'm nervous as hell taking meds, but the option is on the table. I'm also worried that CBT won't actually do anything, that my anxiety with death is bigger than CBT can handle.

 

[rtcn63]

My 40-year old brother watches JAV porn on his phone all day and night with the volume turned up. He does it to annoy the neighbors in the building because he'd rather we have no place to live. A few weeks ago he was screaming obscenities every morning for the college girl across the street to hear- apparently she said he was unattractive.

I need to buy some more rum.

 

[HashtagLapsed]

Has anyone had experience with CBT without using medication?

I met with a therapist on Saturday to deal with my existential anxiety regarding death. It's gotten to the point that I can't look at anything in the world without wondering why anyone else isn't freaking out or the fact that everything will end. I don't want to live like this anymore - it's lasted for eight years, and while I was able to sometimes control it, I've been absolutely non-functional the past week, obsessing over it.

I'm nervous as hell taking meds, but the option is on the table. I'm also worried that CBT won't actually do anything, that my anxiety with death is bigger than CBT can handle.

I was on meds when I was younger, but for me, they didn't help. Deep therapy work and meditation (but be careful meditating too much) without meds helped me get through a lot of my problems.

CBT can help with these types of things and I would encourage you to give it a go. At least with CBT it is a brief therapy usually consisting of not too many sessions, so if you find it isn't working you can try and find a referral to someone else.

The last thing I would want to be is discouraging, CBT is extremely prevalent and I understand why, but I do also think people can have a lot more deeper problems to work through that CBT can't really address. I would give it a go!

Existential anxiety is becoming more and more common as well as other issues related to existential thought, like loneliness being something everyone faces. I think over time a move back to humanistic and existential related therapies will end up occurring.

I don't want to trigger anyone who is having an existential crisis, but maybe seeing if a logotherapist or existential therapist is available locally could really help.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=okJ3KQ4S-ts

 

[Hey_Blinkin]

It's easy to forget amongst the constant negative, self deprecating thoughts in my head that I actually made some progress in 2016. I got a place of my own. Started going to the gym. I even had a few dates with a woman towards the end of the year. The dates went nowhere but it was still progress I guess.

In 2017 I hope to be able to afford to see a therapist. And eventually become confident, and mentally healthy enough to actually have a relationship. That second one seems a little tougher as it requires someone to actually be interested in someone like me. Not exactly something I can control.

I keep having this thought, that maybe I don't even want a relationship. Maybe I just want to be wanted. If that makes any sense. I have no idea what it's like to have someone romantically interested in me. When I see a woman out in public clinging to a guy's arm I just want to experience that. As pathetic as that sounds.

Above all else I just wish I could stop stressing about it. When I wake up in the morning I'm already thinking about being in a relationship. Same when I go to bed. Have to get up and take a piss? Somehow I'm half asleep, standing over the toilet daydreaming about a date with someone. It's goddamn exhausting at times. I guess it's because I'm halfway through my 30s and I feel like time is running out. But thinking about something this much cannot be healthy. It's downright obsessive. Then again the obsession led to me getting a place of my own, going to the gym, and improving my physical self. I dunno, now I'm just rambling.

Anyways, sorry for venting so much. It just feels good to type it out occasionally when there's no one to listen in real life.

 

[neojubei]

There is no happiness in my life why bother trying to live it

 

[tearsofash]

Is there a discord yet guys, I can't find the link in the OP.

I'd be down for a discord.

 

[jb1234]

Is there a discord yet guys, I can't find the link in the OP.

As far as I know, we no longer have someone who organizes group events for the community. There was a chat room and mumble at one time but people eventually moved on from them.

 

[Slathe]

Today I went to Target to prepare for my suicide. I didn't even plan it when i went to Target. I was just stocking up on mundane items like bath soap, toothpaste, etc. Im just there pushing the cart going up and down each aisle passing by families, couples, etc. It was then i strolled into the shampoo aisle and saw gay couple there. Both fit, attractive, young, happy, smiling. A huge contrast to me, alone, fat, ugly, old, sad, pathetic. I walked past them didn't even pick up any shampoo. I just walked around in a daze reflecting on my life. I have no friends, my family hates me and i never had a boyfriend in my life. What did i do to deserve this? All i could think of were the time i got rejected whenever i asked anyone out. My younger self deserved better but now i hate myself for even trying, In kitchenware i dumped most of the stuff i was going to buy. why buy bath soap if i am going to die? i did purchase an 80 dollar knife set. Every-time i see a gay couple i felt a bit jealous and always had the feeling of a knife in my heart. maybe my life is just here to commit suicide. i mean it really isn't here to be happy, i get that now. Well there is a box of 80 dollar knives under my bed if i ever decide to use them.

Please call a suicide prevention number or message me or someone else here to speak. Every life is worth preserving, including yours - no matter how you're feeling or how bad things are.

It can be tough to see other people happy when you're feeling depressed, but it's okay to have those feelings without it meaning you have to kill yourself.

Things can always get better in life, as long as you're still around to keep living it.