BROADCAST SCHEDULE
- Game 1: May 30, 8:00 PM ET
- Game 2: June 1, 8:00 PM ET
- Game 3: June 4, 8:00 PM ET
- Game 4: June 6, 8:00 PM ET
- *Game 5: June 9, 8:00 PM ET
- *Game 6: June 12, 8:00 PM ET
- *Game 7: June15, 8:00 PM ET
ALRIGHT ALRIGHT OKAY LET'S GO.
NOW FOLKS, YOU KNOW MY STANCE ON COMMUNISM - NOTHIN' BUT TRASH, EH. NOTHIN' LIKE A GOOD ONTARIO KID TO REALLY CLEAN UP THE GAME, EH.
NOW SPEAKIN' OF GOOD ONTARIO KIDS, I WANT YOU FOLKS OUT THERE TO TAKE A LOOK AT THESE ROSTERS, EH. TAKE A MOMENT.
OKAY.
ALRIGHT.
LET'S GO. YOU SEE WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE PENGUINS? THEY DON'T GOT MUCH GOOD ONTARIO KIDS. FOLKS, YOU CANNOT WIN A CUP WITHOUT A LOT OF GOOD ONTARIO KIDS IN YOUR ROSTER - FIRST RULE OF BEIN' A GM HAS TO BE DRAFTIN', SIGNIN', OR TRADIN' FOR GOOD ONTARIO KIDS.
THE SHARKS GOT THIS SERIES JUST BASED ON THE AMOUNT OF ONTARIANS ON THEIR ROSTER, EH. BRENT BURNS FROM BARRIE, ONTARIO - BOY I DO LOVE SKIING, EH. JOE THORNTON FROM LONDON - THEY AIN'T GOT A TOWER, BUT THEIR PEOPLE PLAY THE WHITE WAY. THEN YOU GOT LOGAN COUTURE FROM GUELPH, EH.
NOW LOOK AT THE PENGUINS - MATTY MURRAY FROM THUNDER BAY, ONTARIO BEIN' THEIR MOST IMPORTANT PLAYER. SAYS A LOT, DON'T IT?
THAT BEIN' SAID, THE SHARKS HAVE MAYBE ONE OF THE WORST EUROPEENS IN THEIR TEAM BY THE NAME OF TOMMY HERT-A-WHIRL, EH. THIS KID GOT MARTY BEEROON TO RETIRE 'CAUSE HE DECIDED TO HOT DOG AN' SHOW OFF HIS COMMUNISM A FEW YEARS AGO. THAT AIN'T RIGHT. IF THE SHARKS WANNA WIN, THEY BETTER KEEP HERTURTLE IN CHECK.
THE PENGUINS HAVE A BUNCH OF CLASSLESS AMERICANS IN THEIR TEAM TO COUNTER THE COMMUNISM. BOY, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S WORSE - ACTUALLY, COMMUNISM IS THE WORST.
IN TERMS OF ACTUAL SKILL, THIS SERIES IS GONNA BE A BATTLE, EH. YOU GOT SID CROSBY BEIN' THE BEST PLAYER IN THE WORLD MATCHIN' UP WITH JOE THORNTON'S LARGE PENIS - I DON'T KNOW WHO CAN WIN THIS.
BRENT BURNS, YOU KNOW HIS TWO WAY GAME IS REAL GOOD, AN' YOU KNOW THE PENS ARE GONNA TRY TO MATCH IT UP WITH PHIL KESSEL'S HOT DOGS, EH. OR MALKIN'S...WHATEVER WEIRD THING HE DOES.
ANYWHO, THIS IS GONNA BE A REAL EXCITIN' SERIES, EH.
NOW, LET ME TELL YOU KIDS A STORY: I WAS IN THE BATHROOM WASHIN' MY HANDS, WHEN A BUNCH OF COMMIES DECIDED TO RUN INSIDE A BATHROOM STALL. THEY LEFT THE DOOR OPEN, AN' I SEE 'EM PICKIN' OUT EUROPEENS TO BE THE ONES TO WIN THE SERIES, EH. I WAS REAL STEAMED WATCHIN' 'EM TRADE NOTES AN' PRAY TO STALIN. ALL OF A SUDDEN, A BUNCH OF GOOD ONTARIO KIDS RAN INSIDE ANOTHER STALL AN' LEFT THE DOOR OPEN 'CAUSE THAT'S JUST COURTEOUS, AN' I JUST WATCHED 'EM SHAKE HANDS, SING THE CANADIAN ANTHEM, AN' STARTED TRADIN' NOTES BASED ON MY BOOK, DON CHERRY'S HOCKEY STORIES AN' STUFF (AVAILABLE IN STORES NOW). THOSE COMMIES GOT REAL EMBARRASSED, AN' THEY RAN OUT THE BATHROOM TO APOLOGIZE TO STALIN WITHOUT EVEN WASHIN' THEIR HANDS. I STARTED TEARIN' UP, AN' WE ALL SANG THE CANADIAN ANTHEM AGAIN.
THOSE ONTARIO KIDS REMINDED ME OF BOBBY ORR. GOD LOVE 'EM.
