Sleep now, and drink the rum right before the event. It'll numb the pain.
SCENE: The end of the Digital Event:
REGGIE: "...who knew that Samus could run a daycare all by herself? She's just a woman, after all. But now you can take Samus on a baby-coddling adventure in Metroid: Other M 2 the next great game from Retro Studios, in collaboration with Platinum Games and From Software, featuring gameplay for ages 3 and up."
*Reggie's eyes moisten as the camera slowly zooms in on his face. He takes on an even gentler tone, practically licking the inside of the listener's ear with his soft velvety tongue*
REGGIE: "But there's one more announcement..." *camera zooms in to Reggie's pockmarked skin* "One more world I'd like you to step inside, only on the WiiU."
*fireworks go off, a madman starts banging on a drum*
REGGIE: "WiiU Music: Wii Music 2!"
"The true meaning of Nintendo is humoring your sweet grandmother when she shows you the keyboard cat video. Now -you- can be the keyboard cat. Just use the GamePad touchscreen. You could even do -this-."
*Miyamoto walks onscreen, the GamePad slung over his shoulder, dangling at his waist by a guitar strap. He starts playing it like a keytar.*
MIYAMOTO: "THIS, IS, SO, FRUN. IT MAKES ME... SO HWAPPY."
TRINEN: "This is so fun... It makes me so happy."
REGGIE: "It's the latest game from EAD Tokyo. Every team there is working on it. Thank you for tuning into this year's E3 Digital Event."
*Smash logo appears onscreen*
*Sakurai appears*
SAKURAI: "But that's not all, Reggie!" *pause for fans gasping* "There is one more game and it's NOT Smash. Please, take a look."
*trailer plays for Amiibo Scalp*
SAKURAI: "I grew bored of Smash DLC, so I have canceled the Fighter Ballot. I was considering doing a sequel to Kid Icarus Uprising instead, or perhaps a new Mega Man. Capcom gave me their blessing. But instead, I'm making Amiibo Scalp."
"In Amiibo Scalp, you play the role of a scalper who preorders and buys amiibo before other people can get them. To obtain the amiibo in the game, you must have the amiibo in real life. By tapping your Mario amiibo to the GamePad, your scalper will have the Mario amiibo in-game. Now your in-game character can make exorbitant profits off NPCs like 'Desperate Dad Trying to Not Ruin Christmas For His 5-Year-Old Daughter.' You can really turn the screws on them."
*Footage of shady-looking guy talking to a teary dad. Dialogue tree: "You wouldn't want to disappoint your child, would you?"*
SAKURAI: "Amiibo Scalp is our big holiday title this winter."