DISCLAIMER: I want to nip this one in the bud. Some of you are going to think and claim this review is hyperbole or typical godel nonsense. But I kindly refer you to
BBC Musics review, particularly the paragraph where they say that
Ten is as good a Greatest Hits collection as ABBAs
Gold and Joy Divisions
Substance. I mean every single word in this review sincerely. Now take several seats. All the seats, in fact, because it is time for your lesson.
Are you seated? Good, then lets begin.
Girls Aloud Ten
With the disclaimer out the way, heres the skinny:
Ten is the best collection of pop music that has been or will be released this year, and probably a shoe-in for the best pop collection to be released in a decade. When you consider that they have 21 top ten singles to choose fromout of 22 single releasesthe odds are heavily in their favour. In fact their only single that failed to reach the top ten, Untouchable, is here anyway which is just as well because its one of their best songs. Basically, you owe it to yourself to own
Ten if you consider yourself a fan of pop music. Im not going to do a track-by-track rundown like some of the reviews here, because including the second bonus disc, there are 28 tracks on
Ten. So Ill talk in somewhat more general terms.
Girls Aloud are at their bestand their best, coincidentally, is best pop outfit of the last decadewhen pushing chart-pop song structure boundaries, and all of their best tracks in that respect are included on
Ten. Biology, Something Kinda Ooooh, Sexy! No no no
and 2012 Single of the Forever contender Something New dont bother with anything quite so passé as an obvious verse-chorus structure or coherent lyrics, preferring instead to lurch from one absurdly catchy hook to another. Each track is like ten good singles reduced in a pan overnight to form one incredible single, with all the water weight evaporated off; they are Frankenstein songs that rush past in a whirlwind of chants, choruses and manic shouts. Although they might sometimes take more than one listen, once you do youll come to appreciate that there really is no other way that these songs could be: their Frankenstein nature comes to feel as natural and as wonderful as peeing in a handsome mans butt.
Thats not to say, however, that those tracks with more traditional pop song structures are bad. All of the tracks here stand out one way or another: whether the Balearic beat stylings of aforementioned flop Untouchable (it peaked at 11not such a flop, sorry gerls), the melancholy jaunty swing of Cant Speak French, or the surfer-rock-meets-90s-big-beat of their first single (and first #1), Sound of the Underground. Girls Aloud are the masters of successfully marrying fresh sounds to catchy hooks where most pop songs suffice with one or the other (or in Diamonds case, neither). The only track here that I could leave behind is their cover of Ill Stand By Youthere are surely better songs (even better ballads) that they could have brought along for this ride (Wake Me Up, for instancethough it makes an appearance on Disc 2 of the Deluxe Edition).
The second disc of the Deluxe Edition probably couldnt be better, with a mixture of singles, album tracks and B-sides. Melancholy breakup-banger Crazy Fool incorporates chiptune sounds and theres a mix of Wake Me Up that trades the monster guitar riffs of the original version for turning the stomping bassline and drums up to 11. Hoxton Heroes was written at a time (a time = most of the noughties) when crap indie bands who thought they were automatically better than chart pop because they could play a guitar badly were pressed that Girls Aloud were consistently called the most exciting sound in British music by the press. Current-day New Boring darling Jake Bugg would do well to give it a listen (Dont kid yourself youre an indie clone/Weve heard it before get a sound of your own). Swinging London Town is probably the best song that starts with a Shaft-like funk-riff and incorporates an elevator-muzak-spoken-word breakdown thats ever been written, and is emblematic of Girls Alouds ability to just put stuff together and make it
work.
Which brings me, finally, to the new tracks. Something New, as you all already know, and have hopefully come fully to terms with, completely shits on your lesser bargain-bin faves. On The Metro, co-penned by INDIE KWEEN Nicola Roberts is a great Robyn-esque dancefloor heartbreakathon, with a fuzzy bass hook pinning the whole thing down. Beautiful Cause You Love Me is decent enough, for a balladbut ballads have never been Girls Alouds strong suit, and it will probably be the most-skipped track on
Ten. Which leads finally to Every Now And Then, which might, just might, be the final track of any Girls Aloud release, if Cheryls autobiography is to be believed
(). But theres good news: Every Now and Then is a Xenomania + Cooper affair of the finest proportions. The track plays out like the three-years-later, end of the affair epilogue to Untouchable, complete with soaring melody and driving rhythm. What you initially assume is the song turns out to be an intro that peaks at a surprising one minute thirty key shift upwards into the song proper. Its huge and relentless without resorting to the Harris/Guetta cookie-cutter stylings that virtually every other big anthemic track in recent memories has leaned on. On an album of killer tracks, it is a standout. If Girls Aloud are to be no more after 2013, at least they ended with one of the best tracks of their career.
Score: 5 fierce Nuhdeens out of 5.
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Summary: BEY THUYS AYLBUM. In all seriousness, it is an incomparably immaculate pop collezione. You really have no excuses.