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[markot]

Im not familiar with whats going on here >_<

 

[Salazar]

Im not familiar with whats going on here >_<

With the plot ?

Or with the chapter digests ? I can only really answer the second one. The plot is all kinds of stupid.

 

[iammeiam]

Really enjoying the summaries--I made it through the first three or four books way back, then tried to restart the series three or four years ago and couldn't force myself though the first one, so most of what I know at this point I've learned from the internet.

He thought at that moment that Zedd looked like nothing so much as an old man, a tired old man.

So my previous experience with hack writers says this sentence is a giant spooky omen of Zedd's impending death. Or possibly that he'll just give up from being tired and old. Although, at that point, Richard'll just hack his head off, so still death.

 

[Salazar]

So my previous experience with hack writers says this sentence is a giant spooky omen of Zedd's impending death. Or possibly that he'll just give up from being tired and old. Although, at that point, Richard'll just hack his head off, so still death.

If they get out of the palace and its Rahl forcefields, Zedd's powers should boost back up to normal. But I do think Terry is winding him down.

 

[Salazar]

Kahlan jolts upright, awakened by howls. She freaks out, expecting fangs to dig into her at any moment, and she looks around for her knife - which isn’t there. She looks around for wolves, and belatedly realises that she isn’t outside in the woods, but in the Garden of Life.

She pushed her hair back out of her face as she let out a deep sigh. She had to have been dreaming. It had seemed so real, but it was just a dream and its heart pounding grasp on her quickly loosened.

She knows it is night time because of the fragrance of jasmine: the petals only open at night. Nathan walks by, asking if Richard is down with the machine. Kahlan says yes, and Nathan mutters “we have trouble”, holding something in his hand and making for the ladder down to the machine. Kahlan, worried, follows him.

There were a good two dozen of the elite of the elite standing guard inside the Garden of Life. It would have required only two or three of these men to hold off any army

[rofl. Really ?]

The dickhead representatives are still at the palace. All the princes have been sent home, though - in accordance with the last prophecy the machine spat out, the one Richard isn’t willing to talk about. Nathan tells Richard that Sabella - blind prophet woman - gave another prophecy, and that three people simultaneously went into trances and gave it as well. And Lauretta did too.

It said, While at the palace, on the full moon, a prince from the West shall fall to fangs.

That’s the prophecy Richard didn’t want to talk about. Looks like it’s confirmed. Bummer. Suddenly, Cara screams from above. Everyone needs to come to the apartments. Hurry !

---------------------------------------

Kahlan follows Richard, both of them running. Queen Orneta has worked her way to the front of the crowd gathering in the corridor. Hundreds of guards, heavily armed, are in front of them. Kahlan wonders what the hell required so many men.

They come to a stop outside some apartment doors. There is blood trickling out under them. Richard asks the General what is going on. He says that there were horrific screams.

Richard drew his sword. The unique ring of steel echoed through the hallway.

“Do you know whose room this is ?”
General Meiffert nodded. “It’s King Philippe’s room”
“And why is everybody standing around out here ?” Richard’s tone carried the heat of the sword’s magic.

Good question. It’s because the doors are too strong. Not magically shielded, but really heavy and thick. King Philippe arrives and freaks the fuck out. He runs at the door but it’s no use. Richard loses patience, destroys the door with one swing of the Sword of Truth and a mighty kick, and steps inside.

-------------------------------------

Cara and Nicci get in the room before Kahlan, anxious to protect Richard - who is supposed to be such a badass that he probably doesn’t need them. They can’t see a thing until Nicci conjures a ball of flame in her hand.

Blood splatters criss-crossed the walls in swaths, as if flung there in terrible rage. The amount of it everywhere was shocking. At their feet Queen Catherine lay on her back. Her scalp had been partly peeled away. Gouges looking to be left by fangs raked across her exposed skull and cut through the upper part of her face. Her jaw was torn partially away. Her eyes, as if still filled with paralyzing shock, stared unseeing at the ceiling. Since the remnants were so completely soaked with blood, it was impossible to tell what color her dress had been.

Her legs have been stripped to the bone. Kahlan’s eyes trace an umbilical cord snaking away from the body. It connects to the bottom half of a baby. The top half of the baby is gone.

Motherfucker. Wow.

King Philippe says it’s Richard’s fault. Richard says get fucked, and starts to feel anger rising in him. Nicci tells Philippe to back the fuck up. Philippe continues to point a sword at Richard.Bad fucking idea, douche. Cara sticks her Agiel in his face, telling him he is on very dangerous ground.

The king straightened his shoulders and sheathed his sword. “I withdraw my land from loyalty to your rule. We no longer recognize you as the legitimate leader of the D’Haran Empire.”

Richard should have gutted him, right there and then.

Philippe suppresses tears and storms away.

-----------------------------

Richard is still gripping the sword. Still very angry. Kahlan is still queasy about what happened to Catherine and her unborn child.

Outside the room, Richard paused. The carpet over the white marble floor, where the blood ran under it, was rumpled up a bit, probably from the boots and effort of the men with the ram as they had tried to breach the door...With the tip of his sword, Richard flipped the carpet back.

There’s a symbol there, like the ones in the symbol book. Richard can translate it - it means “Watch Them”. He tells the General to do a forensic sweep. Look for fur and stuff. He walks out with Kahlan, ignoring the dickhead representatives who get in his face mumbling about prophecies. He goes to the last room he and Kahlan stayed in, and finds the same symbol scratched into the floor. “Watch Them”. So presumably the watcher - and whatever was capable of fucking up Queen Catherine, teleports through symbols. But someone had to put the symbols there. Dun dun dunnnnnnnnn.

------------------------------------

Richard goes back down to the machine.

He supposed that in a way, through its prophecies, the machine actually was controlling what was happening. Or someone else was and was making them look like prophecies coming from the machine.

He doesn’t think the machine is sentient. Doesn’t want to believe it. He knows that there are a bunch of folks who will take King Philippe’s side. He has to solve this mystery to stand a chance of getting them back on his side. Gloomy, he reaches out and touches the machine. “What are you ?” he whispers. “Why are you doing this ?” The machine rumbles into life and spits out a strip saying “I have had dreams”. Richard wonders a bit about what it means. The machine spits out another. “Why have I had dreams ?” Richard dunno.

-----------------------------------------

Fuck yes. The killing begins. Hopefully Orneta is next. King Philippe pushed his luck. In the old days, Richard would have whammed the SoT through his head in an instant. I don’t give a fuuuuuck about emo Omen Machine. Hounds are DEFINITELY coming for Kahlan.

Body Count: 15 - 2 soldiers, 1 assassin, 7 children, 1 aristocrat, 1 psycho woman, 1 large black dog, one Queen, one unborn Prince.
Maimed Count: 1 - Jit Creature’s hand.
Sexy Time Count: 3.5

 

[Alfarif]

If they get out of the palace and its Rahl forcefields, Zedd's powers should boost back up to normal. But I do think Terry is winding him down.

You know, the sad truth is that, had Zedd died around the time Warren was killed, I would have cried and cried and cried (just like I did with Warren... whose activities I once shared and name I still do). If Zedd dies in this book... I've found that I just won't give a shit.

For some reason... I see the machine as a really big globe sitting in the ground with the entire palace built on top of it. I wonder if it was (retconning) part of what helped Darken Rahl go to the underworld and back?

Blood splatters criss-crossed the walls in swaths, as if flung there in terrible rage. The amount of it everywhere was shocking. At their feet Queen Catherine lay on her back. Her scalp had been partly peeled away. Gouges looking to be left by fangs raked across her exposed skull and cut through the upper part of her face. Her jaw was torn partially away. Her eyes, as if still filled with paralyzing shock, stared unseeing at the ceiling. Since the remnants were so completely soaked with blood, it was impossible to tell what color her dress had been.

Her legs have been stripped to the bone. Kahlan’s eyes trace an umbilical cord snaking away from the body. It connects to the bottom half of a baby. The top half of the baby is gone.

HOLY GOOD GOD DAMN! NOW THAT'S A DEATH RIGHT THERE! TGK back in the game! Shit. We need more of THIS.

 

[The Technomancer]

How the fuck is that three chapters?

 

[Salazar]

For some reason... I see the machine as a really big globe sitting in the ground with the entire palace built on top of it. I wonder if it was (retconning) part of what helped Darken Rahl go to the underworld and back?

I had brief hopes that the machine was actually Darken Rahl - like, he had merged his spirit with it to fuck with Richard's head. Largely because I just want one of the old mega-bosses to make a comeback.

How the fuck is that three chapters?

About eleven pages. Terry doesn't read novels, you see. He doesn't know what chapters are supposed to be.

 

[The Technomancer]

I had brief hopes that the machine was actually Darken Rahl - like, he had merged his spirit with it to fuck with Richard's head. Largely because I just want one of the old mega-bosses to make a comeback.



About eleven pages. Terry doesn't read novels, you see. He doesn't know what chapters are supposed to be.

Also why does this Omen machine sound like its going to be an artificial intelligence trying to discover the true meaning of love or whatever.

 

[Salazar]

Also why does this Omen machine sound like its going to be an artificial intelligence trying to discover the true meaning of love or whatever.

Yeah. I was hoping that it was going to be evil, but it now sounds like it's going to be some kind of child-like intelligence that has to be protected from the evil dudes - who would use it to wreak much greater havoc.

I would think that the reason Hannis Arc would want to be ruler of D'Hara is so that he could own/use/control the Omen Machine. But he hasn't been directly connected with it yet.

 

[The Technomancer]

I mean, I thought maybe it was your summaries at first but now I'm just convinced that this book has no sense of pacing or structure at all. It just seems completely all over the place.

 

[Salazar]

I mean, I thought maybe it was your summaries at first but now I'm just convinced that this book has no sense of pacing or structure at all. It just seems completely all over the place.

What Terry does is think up the whole plot in his head, start to finish, and then - without writing anything like a plan or a memory guide - he starts to bash out the chapters.

It is an act of tremendous negligence on the part of his editor to let this process continue.

 

[cabottemp]

Sounds worse than Harry Potter.

everything is worse than harry potter.

 

[Alfarif]

Yeah, that sounds about right for his method.

I love the one quote above where, in one breath, he says how everyone is unique and then, in the same breath, says that all over writers are the same and he's the only person who is different, original, whatever. LOL Good ol' TGK.

You know... I never knew what The Law of Nines was about OR who the characters were (by that time, I was so sick of TGK that I just bailed out on him completely). Just from people saying it was a more modern book, I thought it was something completely original. I just looked it up a couple hours ago and started laughing HARD at the characters, premise, etc. Fucker is a fantasy/science fiction writer thru and thru and I don't give one shit what he thinks. Plus, the Omen Machine is just going to bring Alex Rahl and Jax Amnell into the old world... stephencolberticalledit.gif is ready and waiting.

 

[SerArthurDayne]

So is this absolutely nothing happening thing typical of Goodkind, or is this just a poor book? Because the evil chicken is brilliant, but maybe less so if it turns out to be the climax of a 400-600 page fantasy (Oh yes I went there!) novel. Or maybe that would make it better. I don't know.

Looking forward to the next installment. Isn't Kahlan supposed to be almost raped at one point? Or have we moved beyond that by now?

 

[Salazar]

So is this absolutely nothing happening thing typical of Goodkind, or is this just a poor book?

Previous books have been more action-packed, certainly. Especially the early ones. He seems to think he has a facility for the "thriller" mode, though - hence this cascade of "dun dun dunnnnnnnn" chapter endings, and the emphasis on unseen folks doing horrible things.

http://i.imgur.com/guSCu.jpg

^^^^^^^^ Mord Sith cosplay. Click if you dare.

Henrik [Good. Get away from the palace. Boring as fuck there.] is gulping water from a brook. He is running from hounds. They have been chasing him for days. He managed to steal two horses, luckily. He’s so hungry, though, and so tired.

He hadn’t known where he was going at first. His instinct had made him bolt from his mother’s tent and had driven him onward. He knew his mother would want to protect him, but she couldn’t. She would have been torn apart.

Henrik doesn’t feel at all guilty about stealing the horses. He’s been able to stop a few times, and build a fire. When be brandishes a burning stick at the hounds, they stay back. And pace, angrily. He wore one horse out, and switched to the second - hoping the hounds would stop to feast on the first’s corpse. No luck.

He begins to recognise the woodland; he has been here before with his mother. [Ahar, this be the Land of Jit]. He gets to a point where the brush is so thick that the horse won’t go on. It bolts away when he gets off. Henrik doesn’t think about what’s ahead, he just starts climbing down. There is lots of moss, lots of vines, trees, violet flowers. The air is thick. The hounds start barking behind him just as he realises that what lies ahead is the Kharga Trace lair of Jit.

He prefers Jit to the hounds. He presses on.

---------------------------------------

The landscape opens up a little, but is still a festering bog. Henrik fears that there might be monsters in the water, and does his best to stay on the twig and vine walkway.

Unseen animals called out, their sharp cries echoing through the mist and darkness.

Henrik encounters lit candles, which he finds mildly relieving. A mat of woven vines eventually joins up overhead, forming a tunnel.

Then, suddenly:

Henrik stood frozen in terror, his heart hammering even faster.

The glowing form floated closer.

“Jit waits for you”, she hissed. “Get moving”.

Get fucked. Henrik’s had a hard trip.

------------------------------

Henrik obeys, moving into a maze of tunnels and chambers made of twined vines and flowers and stuff.

Henrik wondered if it would be possible to pull apart the branches and vines of the walls if he was forced to make a quick escape. It all seemed pretty solid, but still, it was just woven branches, twigs and vines.

Nope. The walls are full of thorns, anyway. You’d get badly fucked up. One chamber has thousands of strips of material hanging from the roof, with stuff ranging from shells to rotting lizards hanging at the ends. Lots of candles everywhere. Another chamber is full of jars with differently coloured liquids.

But the jars and containers were not what frightened him the most.

It was what was woven into the twig walls themselves, behind the jars, that had tears of terror running down his cheeks.

Woven into the walls were people.

I think Jit harvests blood, phlegm, all kinds of bodily gunk.

Yup, and some of them are still alive. When Henrik clears his eyes and looks up, he is face to face with Jit.

------------------------------------

Her thin hair was only a little more than shoulder length. She wasn’t big. In fact, she was not much bigger than he was. Her simple sack dress showed that she had a rather straight torso. Her body looked more boylike than womanly.

She has stained hands, dark eyes, and her mouth is sewn shut with strips of leather. She can only open it a little bit, through which aperture she can make squealing and clicking sounds. Her glowing creatures translate these sounds for Henrik.

She wants to know if Henrik “brought it”. Henrik holds out his hands, and as Jit motions for him to come closer, something behind them gets everyone’s attention. Something, someone getting closer, causing the candles to go out as it moves. Jit squeals and clicks like crazy.

[Bit disappointed with Jit, to be honest]

When the figure comes into view, it is revealed as a man. Henrik is very scared by the sight of him. Can’t breathe.

-----------------------------------

Would have preferred Jit to be a badass sorceress like Shota, not a clicking and squealing freak. C’mon. It’s also a bummer that Henrik is just a pawn. I’m betting that the figure who terrifies Henrik is Hannis.

Body Count: 15 - 2 soldiers, 1 assassin, 7 children, 1 aristocrat, 1 psycho woman, 1 large black dog, one Queen, one unborn Prince.
Maimed Count: 1 - Jit Creature’s hand.
Sexy Time Count: 3.5

 

[Salazar]

The man glanced down at the warm, wet place growing on the front of Henrik’s pants and smiled to himself.

[lolwtf]

He asks if this is the boy, and Jit clicks back that yes, Bishop Hannis, this is him. Hannis stares angrily at Jit for a while, then looks at Henrik. Hannis Arc, it turns out, has blood red eyes. Completely. But what frightens Henrik more is that Hannis’s entire body is tattooed, layered innumerable times with strange symbolic designs.

They had an endless, bottomless depth to them, a tangled complexity that was dizzying, as if the symbols were continually seething up from somewhere dark.

Hannis wears a black coat. Even the insides of his earlobes are tattooed. The one on his face seems to be the most important: a triangle with a backward figure nine in it. [Seriously, about three pages spent on these goddamn tattoos]. One of the people woven into the walls freaks out at the sight of Hannis. Hannis turns to him and, with arm outstretched, magically sucks the life out of him.

The bishop turned around at other eyes watching him from the walls. “Anyone else ?”

Jit clicks and squeals. She wants to know why Hannis has come here. Hannis gets angry. He wants to see her complete the task he set her. To use Henrik. Jit nods, and motions for Henrik to move closer.

------------------------

Henrik is petrified, obviously. He notices some ooze around Jit’s mouth.

He wondered why her lips were stitched closed.

He finds that he is involuntarily moving towards her. Her stained hands close around his wrists, and she chitters like a bug. She pries his fingers open, with very strong hands, and snaps a twig off from the wall behind her. She digs under the fingernails of his right hand, finds something, and deposits it in a jar. She repeats the process with the left hand, but comes up empty.

She looks disappointed.

”Jit says that we have the flesh of the woman...but we do not have the flesh of the man”

Aha, so that’s what Henrik was useful for. Kahlan and Richard skin. That was a pretty damn good plan.

Hannis is, of course, inconsolably furious. He grabs one of Jit’s creatures by the throat and chokes it back into the Underworld. Candles go out wherever he walks.

He calms down a little. “Change of plans”, he said in a voice like ice.

------------------------------

Jit heads to the back of the chamber. Henrik makes awkward eye contact with some of the folks trapped in the walls.

Everyone avoids Hannis. One of the creatures says that when this is all over, she is going to suck Henrik dry and leave him to the cockroaches. Henrik feels ill.

They make their way to some kind of ritual place, with arranged stones. Jit has a colourful staff. She starts chanting around a drawing she has made on the ground, pulling stuff out of jars occasionally and throwing it down. The drawing starts to glow, and the clouds overhead freeze.

--------------------------

The clouds move again.

The Hedge Maid’s low, steady rhythm of sounds rose in pitch.

She starts to really squeal, and her six remaining creatures break open. Hideous underworldy things climb out of them and start to dance in a circle. Henrik feels a little dizzy.

The Hedge Maid abruptly threw the jar she had up into the air above glowing circles and the writhing mass of forms. Henrik saw the glass explode apart. The liquid in the jar seemed to ignite

[This is the one with Kahlan’s skin in it. She is fucked.]

The masses of hideous creatures start to catch on fire. Everything is still going completely crazy. Then Jit raises her arms and in a blinding flash it is all over. All is calm. The six creatures are back, fussing over Jit. Hannis is standing there like a boss. Same angry expression.

”Jit says that it is done”

Hannis says that it had fucking well better be, or he will be back.

Jit has sneaked up behind Henrik.

”Now”, she hissed. “Time for you”

----------------------------------------------

Badass. Kahlan is in deep, deep, deep trouble. Hannis is still mad, and he has the trademark “fucked-up eyes” characteristic. He is a mega-boss. He is also deeply involved with the Omen Machine. He must know about it/want it, even if he’s not actually operating it.

Body Count: 17 - 2 soldiers, 1 assassin, 7 children, 1 aristocrat, 1 psycho woman, 1 large black dog, 1 Queen, 1 unborn Prince, 1 Jit prisoner, 1 Jit Creature.
Maimed Count: 1 - Jit Creature’s hand.
Sexy Time Count: 3.5

 

[Salazar]

Kahlan wakes panting and sweating.

A blur of images flashed through her mind. Dark arms and claws reached for her. Fangs came out of nowhere, snapping, trying to get at her face.

She’s been having a terrible nightmare. Running from stuff. But waking doesn’t make things better: a stabbing pain in her head and “undulating waves of sickness” in her stomach force her to her knees. She vomits blood. Cara rushes to her side and asks if she is ok. She dunno. Richard asks what’s wrong. She dunno.

She ripped off a thick fistful of grass and wiped her mouth with it, threw it down, and then did it again with a clean handful.

Uh, ok.

Her skin is icy and she is soaked in sweat. Richard holds her, and looks at her arm. He curses and tells Cara to run for Zedd. Her hand/wrist/arm, where Henrik scratched it, is completely fucked. Badly wounded. She can’t move it.

Richard tries to use his magic on her. It feels good at first, but then the pain comes rushing back. Zedd and Nicci arrive with Cara. When they do, Richard is staring off into space, completely blank.

-------------------------

Nicci shakes Richard, but he doesn’t respond. She puts fingers on his forehead and sends some of her magic into him, but no luck. They pull Kahlan out of his unmoving hands, and Nicci tries again. Finally, Richard wakes up. He doesn’t know what’s going on - he has been in some kind of trance from healing Kahlan.

He is angry, because he thought he was close to making her better. But Nicci says that what he was doing wouldn’t work - he was just opening himself up to whatever is making her sick. Some evil contagion was using the connection between them to sneak into Richard. Zedd says that he will have a go at healing her, and Nicci offers to help. The same thing happens - they can’t get rid of the sickness, and they have to escape when it tries to latch onto them.

Zedd is extremely worried. The thing in Kahlan is “something dark”.

----------------------------------

Nathan arrives, and Richard suggests that “since your power isn’t hindered by the spell around the palace, you might be better able to heal her arm”. Nicci says, a bit rudely, that it won’t do any good. Kahlan frets.

Zedd patted her shoulder and smiled in a reassuring manner, the old twinkle back in his eye. “Don’t worry, dear one.There are a number other [edit this shit, god damn] effective things we can do to get this taken care of. We have access to a wide variety of herbs here at the palace.

Nope, Zedd. You are out of your league. This is bad juju.

Kahlan is reassured. Zedd suggests that it could be some power emanating from the machine that has messed with Kahlan. He thinks they should move her out of the Garden of Life and into the palace [Yeah, real smart move. Take her where the really dangerous shit is.] Nathan has another prophecy from Lauretta.

A Queen’s choice will cost her her life

They dunno what it means. Richard says, though, that the machine, earlier that night, woke up and spat out the exact same prophecy.

------------------------------------

Richard scans a guest room for symbols. He doesn’t want Kahlan to get scalped and shredded. He is, though, also really worried about the scratches on Kahlan’s arm. He has faith in Zedd’s herbs and poultices.

He sets up a little surprise trap for a Watcher, if one should come to call.
[Terry doesn’t tell us what it is]

Kahlan looks longingly at the bed. She doesn’t get out of her clothes - just flops down on it for a “good old fashioned sleep”. Cara tries to get her to take off her boots, at least, but Kahlan protests. Richard places identical mirrors in the room facing each other [Aha, the trap], just as Zedd arrives with a herb poultice. Kahlan wakes up, and Richard applies it, telling her “it will be better soon”. Zedd slipped something to make her go to sleep into it.

They suddenly hear a loud shriek of anguish. The watcher has looked through one mirror and seen itself, and is apparently shocked/terrified/magically annihilated. Zedd congratulates Richard on his cunning.

-------------------------------------

Fairly tedious going. Good to know that Jit's magic did something, and that Henrik didn't go to all that trouble for nothing. Zedd still completely useless. Disappointed that the Watcher was foiled by something as simple as mirrors facing each other.

Body Count: 17 - 2 soldiers, 1 assassin, 7 children, 1 aristocrat, 1 psycho woman, 1 large black dog, 1 Queen, 1 unborn Prince, 1 Jit prisoner, 1 Jit Creature.
Maimed Count: 2 - Jit Creature’s hand, Kahlan's whole body/soul.
Sexy Time Count: 3.5

 

[questionmark]

BWAHAHAHAHAHA

She is in a foul mood. I think she would wipe out anything that tried. But we'll see.

Implying whatever intended to rape her wouldn't be protected by some unknown force.

This thread is great, saves me alot of trouble, and is without a doubt alot more fun than actually reading the book would be.

 

[Salazar]

Implying whatever intended to rape her wouldn't be protected by some unknown force.

Well, she seems to have some kind of magical illness at the moment. She's got a bad rash and she is throwing up blood, and her body temperature is all over the place.

She is not in a sexy place.

There is one candidate

Spoiler

Abbot Ludwig

but he's not going to do it in this book.

And there is the fact that her Confessor power automatically releases on orgasm.

 

[Salazar]

BOW DOWN TO EMO RICHARD.

”The situation calls for a choice, and I’ve made it”, Queen Orneta said. “My decision is final”

[ROFL. Prophecy’s a bitch, Orneta. You just fucked up.]

She says this to a small gathering of diplomats, representatives, and such. She has told them that Richard and Kahlan are Keeper-agents. They are dumb enough to believe her, and they hate Richard enough to want it to be true. [This is some super-subtle Wizard’s First Rule shit.]

She has gathered the dumbest of the dumb in this select group. They are the ones craziest about prophecy. The ones who are angriest about being ignored by Richard. They eat up Ludwig’s bullshit.

The notion that the Keeper of the world of dead was influencing and using their leaders for his own ends was clearly alarming. Most didn’t want to believe it was true, but they could not argue the evidence.

[Because they are witless beyond even Terry’s description. God DAMN.]

Ludwig feeds them some more lies. They lean in, eyes widening. Orneta tells Ludwig that he should send word to Hannis Arc that he would be welcomed as a replacement leader, one who takes prophecy seriously.

The crowd whisper and nod. Ludwig says sure, why not.

”I wish that Lord Rahl would do as much”, Ambassador Grandon said. He tugged on the end of his pointed beard as he shook his head in sincere regret. “We’re not picking sides in a conflict — we’re all on the same side after all — so I sincerely hope that Lord Rahl won’t see our desire to align ourselves with Bishop Arc as any kind of betrayal”

[No words. You motherfuckers are all dead. Seriously. Don’t you know Richard at all ?]

Ludwig says it wouldn’t be treason if Bishop Arc were Lord Rahl. The fuckwits all nod. Orneta sips her wine. As she looks up, a Mord Sith is walking straight towards her, eyes fixed on her.

[lol, here it comes.]

------------------------------------

Richard won't stand for this. Not even nerfed "worried for Kahlan" Richard. Ludwig had better have some serious powers, too, or he is going to be pounded into mush with the rest of them. Orneta has been mashing the self-destruct button all book. Glad she's finally getting what has been coming.

Body Count: 17 - 2 soldiers, 1 assassin, 7 children, 1 aristocrat, 1 psycho woman, 1 large black dog, 1 Queen, 1 unborn Prince, 1 Jit prisoner, 1 Jit Creature.
Maimed Count: 2 - Jit Creature’s hand, Kahlan's whole body/soul.
Sexy Time Count: 3.5

 

[Dragon]

I just want to say as someone who used to like these books as a naive teenager, this thread is a goldmine. You were wrong on one point Salazar, which would actually make the plot of the first book even worse. Shota gave Kahlan a birth control necklace to prevent her from conceiving not to make her able to have sex with Richard without turning him. Richard is able to have sex with Kahlan without being turned because, and I paraphrase here, he's already given himself to her. There's nothing more to take. I think I have WFR here and I'm going to get this quote:

"Richard I touched you with the magic. I felt it. I heard it. (Odd, since Goodkind describes Kahlan's power as thunder with no sound) I saw it. How could the power not have taken you?"
"Because I was protected."
"Protected? How?"
"By my love for you. I realized I love you more than life itself, and I would rather give myself into your power than live without you. Nothing the magic could do to me could be worse than living without you. I was willing to give it all over to you. I offered the power everything I have. All of my love for you. Once I realized how much I loved you, was willing to be yours on any terms, I understood that there could be nothing for the magic to harm..."

I used to think this was quite romantic as a gullible teen. Looking back at it, Richard is able to have sex with Kahlan without a problem because he's in love with her. Astounding. I wonder if Goodkind is speaking philosophically about casual sex here.

Anyway I read Goodkind, Tad Williams, Jordan and JV Jones growing up. I'd say that Williams was the cream of that crop, even if he's a bit long winded. JV Jones and Jordan can't finish shit but at least their characters aren't totally psychotic. Jones was actually able to introduce an interesting evil character, unlike Jordan. His evil characters are some of the most dumb and inept of their kind in fiction.

I'll finish up by saying that I give Goodkind a pass on the spelling/grammatical mistakes. The guy is dyslexic I believe. His editor? Not so much.

 

[Salazar]

http://i.imgur.com/y3tTz.jpg

^^^^^^^^^^ Mord Sith cosplay/photoshop. Don't click. Don't.

The group with Queen Orneta fell silent as the Mord Sith approached. All eyes were on the tall woman in red as she marched steadily toward them. In light of the gravity of their conversation, worry overcame the small group and none of them could even manage small talk.

[You know you were out of line. That’s what Terry is trying to say.]

They figure it was, after all, a bit naughty to be discussing treason while in the Lord Rahl’s palace, eating his food. Then again, this is the People’s Palace [I knew that name was a bad idea]. None of this matters to the approaching Mord Sith, though. She means business.

The Mord Sith’s blond hair was done in the traditional single braid hanging straight down between her broad shoulders to the small of her back. It was impeccably plaited. Not a single hair seemed to be out of place. The sensual mix of muscles and feminine curves filled out her red leather outfit perfectly.

She has come to speak with Queen Orneta. Alone. [dun dun dunnnnnnnn]

Orneta says she doesn’t know if she wants to come along, and the Mord Sith says you don’t have a choice, dammit. Orneta suggests her quarters, which aren’t far away, and the Mord Sith says, whatever, let’s go. Ludwig asks what this is about, and the Mord Sith, flicking her Agiel up into her palm and flashing him an angry look, says

”It’s about the most recent prophecy”

.

Ludwig demands to know what the prophecy is. The Mord Sith replies that prophecy isn’t meant for people without magical gifts, and Ludwig burns up with fury.

The woman rammed her Agiel into his shoulder. Ludwig cried out in pain as he was driven back by the shock of the weapon. He dropped heavily to his knees. He pressed a hand to his shoulder as he groaned in agony.

He looked up, enraged. “You bitch ! How dare —”

Mord Sith tells him that he’d better shut the fuck up and not move, or she will fix him for good. Orneta tries to move over and comfort him, but the Mord Sith steps in and tells her that they are leaving now. I hope there’s worse to come for Ludwig.

----------------------------------

Excellent. The way Terry isn’t telling us the Mord Sith’s name is a bad sign for Orneta. Means she’s a renegade. Doesn’t care about Richard and his occasional ethical quibbles.

Body Count: 17 - 2 soldiers, 1 assassin, 7 children, 1 aristocrat, 1 psycho woman, 1 large black dog, 1 Queen, 1 unborn Prince, 1 Jit prisoner, 1 Jit Creature.
Maimed Count: 2.5 - Jit Creature’s hand, Kahlan's whole body/soul, Ludwig will be a bit sore.
Sexy Time Count: 3.5

 

[suffah]

How much more is left? Enjoying these recaps for some weird reason.

 

[Salazar]

How much more is left? Enjoying these recaps for some weird reason.

23%

 

[The Technomancer]

Godamn it I want to hear more about the actual damn machine.

We're over 75% of the way through the book? Really? Two things of importance have happened!

 

[Salazar]

Orneta hurries ahead of the Mord Sith because she doesn’t want to get prodded with the Agiel.

She was indignant, and she was angry at the woman for hurting Ludwig, but she thought better of showing her emotion for the moment.

[rofl. You are finished, lady. Might as well go out saying what you feel.]

She slows down a bit as a servant comes past. She doesn’t want to seem like a prisoner. The servant doesn’t meet her eyes - doesn’t want to meet the eyes of the Mord Sith either.

She didn’t know what the Mord Sith could possibly want, but Orneta was becoming more worried by the moment that it had something to do with throwing her loyalty to Hannis Arc over Richard Rahl.

[Yes. Yes indeed.]

Turns out Ludwig and the dickheads are slowly following them up the hall. Ludwig is holding his shoulder in pain, and he looks really mad. Mord Sith doesn’t give a fuck, though. They reach Orneta’s room and she shuts the door behind them.

Orneta smiled cordially. “I’m sorry, but I haven’t even asked your name”

The Mord Sith’s blue eyes were enough to make Orneta weak, but she tried not to show it.

“My name is Vika”
“”Vika”, Orneta smiled. “Well Vika, what can I do for you”
The Mord Sith began advancing “You can scream”.

[Hell yes.]

Vika jams the Agiel into Orneta’s gut, doubling her over. She tumbles to the ground, begging to know why this is happening. Vika says that since Orneta likes prophecy so much, she is now getting a chance to participate in it. Orneta is confused. Vika rams the Agiel into the hollow at the base of her throat. Blood froths up and out of Orneta’s mouth and her vision fades in and out. Then an Agiel slam to the back of the head.

When Orneta regains consciousness, she can’t move. She can see blood, her blood, spreading all over the floor. She is helpless as Vika jams the Agiel down over her heart, which explodes in her chest.

---------------------------

Good stuff. I would have preferred it if this was a Richard-sanctioned kill, but Vika did it like a boss. The crowd were probably outside the door, too.

Body Count: 18 - 2 soldiers, 1 assassin, 7 children, 1 aristocrat, 1 psycho woman, 1 large black dog, 1 Queen, 1 unborn Prince, 1 Jit prisoner, 1 Jit Creature, 1 bitch Queen.
Maimed Count: 2.5 - Jit Creature’s hand, Kahlan's whole body/soul, Ludwig will be a bit sore.
Sexy Time Count: 3.5

 

[Salazar]

Ludwig is pouring himself a glass of wine, when the door to his room opens and closes. No knock.

He glanced back over his shoulder just enough to catch a glimpse of red leather. The familiar odour of blood reached his nostrils. It reminded him of being back at the abbey, of his work at extracting prophecy

[Woah. So Hannis is into the same kind of “cut em open and see what their guts say” soothsaying as Darken Rahl was. Fuck yeah.]

Vika is standing there, arms crossed. She asks if everything was satisfactory, and Ludwig says yes, perfectly. The crowd were all standing outside when Vika exited, having killed Orneta, and they all saw the body before they ran away.

”I especially liked the glare you gave them as you wiped the blood off your boots on the carpeting. Nice touch”

Aha. So Ludwig put this Vika up to it so that the officials would think that Lord Rahl had ordered Orneta to be wiped out. Cunning sonofabitch.

He massages his stinging shoulder, and muses that nobody will know that Vika is his Mord Sith.

Her blue eyes finally turned, ice coming back into her gaze as it settled on him. “I am Lord Arc’s Mord Sith, not yours”.

[MEGATON. Hannis Arc must be a Rahl.]

Ludwig blasts power at her. Her face goes bright red and she goes down on her knees. She can’t take this much magic. She can tell, as a Mord Sith, that she is on the very brink of death. Ludwig holds her there for a long time, before remembering that Hannis wouldn’t really want her dead.

”Don’t ever get snippy with me again. Do you understand ?”

She does. A tear rolls down her cheek.

[Bah. She’s no real Mord Sith.]

She is the one who has been placing the symbols in the rooms. She is able to get around without being suspected because everyone is terrified of her. Ludwig decides that she had better leave now, before someone notices that she is not one of the regular Mord Sith; she already has her bags packed. Before she leaves, they chat about the fact that Cara has got married - Vika thinks it is a sign that these Mord Sith are soft.

[Cara going to fuck Vika up. Watch for it.]

Ludwig stares at her swaying ass as she leaves. He wants her - partly to take away the memory of having slept with bony old Orneta. He thinks about the day to come when Lord Arc, powerful though he is, is no longer around to stop him doing the things he really wants to do.

---------------------------------------

Decent. It's awesome that Ludwig has powers - and serious ones. Ones that work on a Mord Sith, even though they are supposed to be invulnerable to magic. It is even more awesome that Hannis Arc seems to be another Rahl, and that he is into the really dark necro shit. Cara versus Vika is totally going to happen at some point. Maybe not in this book. Ludwig is still the rapist-most-likely.

Body Count: 18 - 2 soldiers, 1 assassin, 7 children, 1 aristocrat, 1 psycho woman, 1 large black dog, 1 Queen, 1 unborn Prince, 1 Jit prisoner, 1 Jit Creature, 1 bitch Queen.
Maimed Count: 3.5 - Jit Creature’s hand, Kahlan's whole body/soul, Ludwig will be a bit sore, Vika brought to brink of death and back.
Sexy Time Count: 3.5

 

[Salazar]

Richard was shocked and angry. He could hardly believe the bloody scene with Queen Orneta lying lifeless in the middle of it.

[Richard hasn’t been paying attention. This was clearly inevitable.]

He is also furious and bewildered that a Mord Sith has done this. Apparently Cara can tell that it was an Agiel that messed Orneta up. Richard doesn’t want to think that it was any of his Mord Sith. He summons Ambassador Grandon, who was in the crowd, and asks him what the Mord Sith (Vika) looked like.

He thought it over a moment. “Tall, blond hair. She had blue eyes”.

That could be pretty much any Mord Sith. Except Cara. Grandon admits it wasn’t Cara. He says he’s not sure he could pick the Mord Sith out of an identity lineup. He was terrified, you see, and he still is. Even more so after Vika exploded Orneta’s heart.

Richard asks what the officials were doing, and one of them answers that they were sitting around talking about prophecy. Richard lays a hand on Grandon’s shoulder and says that he is not going to torture him to death if he just tells the truth.

Grandon crumbles. He admits that Orneta made the choice to follow Hannis Arc.

Richard hooks his thumbs in his belt and takes a deep breath.

[KILL. KILL KILL KILL]

Grandon says that after they saw Orneta dead on the ground, they went to see Sabella, and she told them the prophecy about a Queen being doomed by a choice. They have decided that they have to leave the palace. Many of them have packed their bags. They don’t want Richard to feel bad about them turning away from him.

Nicci arrives. She says that Kahlan is sleeping peacefully in a room thoroughly swept for symbols and other nasty stuff. BUT she has another prophecy that the machine spat out. She wants Richard to translate it.

The strip said The Hounds Will Take Her From You

Richard bellows that he wants THAT DAMNED MACHINE DESTROYED, and he heads for the door.

----------------------------------------

Kahlan wakes and smells warm breath on her face. Her arm hurts. Something is keeping her pinned down.

She thought that it felt rather like someone on their hands and knees directly over her, with a hand and a knee to either side, pinning her down

[I know what this sounds like, but it’s not rape.]

The breathing transitions into a growl. It’s a dog, a wolf. She dunno how it got inside.

If she tried to jump up, slowed by being trapped under the blanket as she was, the beast would rip her face off.

She decides she has no time to waste. The dog means to shred her. Better take the initiative.

---------------------------------

She prepares herself, and the wolf senses something - it growls louder. Kahlan rolls over, trapping the wolf in the blanket and landing on top of it. The wolf is angry.

She tries to scream for help, but her throat is too sore.

[Fuck that, Terry. That’s some early days of gothic fiction shit. Let the woman scream.]

Kahlan looks for her knife, but it isn’t there. Fuck, there are three more wolves in the room. Big ones, drooling, bunching their muscles. Kahlan tries to get to her pack, where her knife is, and she manages to catch a strap of it as a wolf lunges for her. She swings the pack and knocks it over, kicks the wolf still wrapped up in the blanket REALLY hard, and bolts for an open door at the back of the room.

The drop is too high to jump. She clambers over to the next balcony along, teeth snapping shut just behind her foot. She can see the wolves preparing to leap across.

She was in full terror mode as she jumped up and raced for the stairs.

She can see a wagon up ahead. [she has somehow got out of the palace. Who knows how.] She runs for it, jumping up into it just as the wolves catch up with her. She slams her head on something hard. The world goes black.

--------------------------

She's been bamboozled just like Henrik. That wagon is going to Jit's place. Also, if Richard didn't head for Kahlan's room immediately after reading that prophecy, he is a total fool. A complete numpty and a prat. They were idiotic to take her out of the Garden of Life in the first place. IT HAS A MAGICAL FORCEFIELD. FUCK.

Body Count: 18 - 2 soldiers, 1 assassin, 7 children, 1 aristocrat, 1 psycho woman, 1 large black dog, 1 Queen, 1 unborn Prince, 1 Jit prisoner, 1 Jit Creature, 1 bitch Queen.
Maimed Count: 3.5 - Jit Creature’s hand, Kahlan's whole body/soul, Ludwig will be a bit sore, Vika brought to brink of death and back.
Sexy Time Count: 3.5

 

[The Technomancer]

Honestly if I was Richard I'd be pretty fucking sick of all of this as well.

Also is it usual for his character to be reactionary? The entire book so far has just been stuff happening to Richard and Kahlan

 

[bluemax]

His editor, James Frenkel, seems like a competent man.

I can only assume that he defers in almost every case to Terry's judgement. Or that Terry puts a little stick-it note on certain pages - "Don't edit this. I wrote it in a spasm of genius. It cannot be improved."

So he's kind of like that hack GRRM?

 

[Salazar]

So he's kind of like that hack GRRM?

No, Terry is a real hack. A mega-hack. I believe that this book could be made much better than it is by a superb editor. I do not believe that even the finest editor could have made it good.

Fan response to this book is mixed.

a) OMG, u have done it again. <3 Richard and Kahlan.
b) wtf, this book has none of the richness and insanity of the others.
c) TOR have sent this book to die. No promotion at all. Terry deserves THE BEST.
d) This book is TOO SCARY for me. I want fantasy NOT HORROR.

Also is it usual for his character to be reactionary? The entire book so far has just been stuff happening to Richard and Kahlan

Old school Richard would have teleported to Fajin Province and made Hannis Arc cook and eat Jit before choking him with his own innards. Ludwig would be a non-issue. All of these officials in the palace would be dead. Fuck what the machine says.

I think Terry broke from his "I don't read books" policy and dipped into The Castle of Otranto. He is, however, only about a billionth as clever as Horace Walpole. If you asked him about this directly, I expect he would call you names.

 

[Salazar]

Richard has, on his way from Orneta’s death scene, stopped in on Kahlan to see if she is ok. She was when he looked in on her, stepping silently into the room.

[I don’t know how the fuck the chronology works here, but ok]

He goes and hangs around in the machine room.

The whole time, the words from the machine, The hounds will take her from you, kept running through his mind.

[THEN GO BACK TO HER ROOM AND STAND THERE WITH YOUR SWORD OUT. DAMN.]

He tells Zedd about Orneta being killed by a Mord Sith. Zedd looks troubled. Richard tells him he wants the machine destroyed. Zedd rubs his beard and asks if that would be wise. Richard doesn’t give a fuck about wise. Zedd suggests that the machine isn’t really making prophecies - someone is just sending them through it and then making sure those things happen in the real world. Richard doesn’t care.

Nicci agrees. The other thing to do would be to travel to the Temple of the Winds and look for the bit that was ripped out of this book, but they can’t be bothered doing that for some reason.

Without further fuss, Zedd turned back to the machine and ignited wizard’s fire between his outstretched palms.

A boiling sphere of fire hisses and pops, growing in intensity, before Zedd flings it at the machine and maintains a stream of magical flames behind it. Richard is almost knocked over by the force and heat of it.

------------------------------

It does nothing. The machine is fine. It is even cool to the touch.

Huh.

Nicci tries some of her special dark magic on it.

The black lightning twisted together with a blindingly bright sudden discharge of Additive Magic. The rope of Subtractive Magic was so dark that it was like looking through a crack in the world of life into the underworld itself. In a way, it was.

No good. Nicci can’t believe it. The machine can’t be touched.

Richard draws the Sword of Truth. And yeah, its unique steely ring fills the room.

”Blade”, he whispered. “Be true this day”.

He slams it down on the machine, but it stops an inch above it. He can’t do it. Because the sword’s magic works that way - he doesn’t truly, completely believe that it deserves to be cut in half.

Suddenly, the machine starts to rumble into action.

------------------------------

Richard is stunned. He looks at the strip the machine eventually spits out.

”It says You can destroy those who speak the truth, but you cannot destroy the truth itself.”

Ugh. Richard says they might have to bury the machine. But it is already pretty much buried... In response, the machine spits out “You would fault me for speaking truth ?”
Richard apologises to the machine, and the machine says “when the messenger becomes the enemy, the enemy gets buried”. [Gibberish. Fuck this.]

Its final message is “Darkness has found me. It will find you as well”.

------------------------

Nicci stepped up beside Richard. “Darkness has found it ?”

“That’s what I had suspected” Richard said. “I think it’s telling us that someone is using it, speaking through it. That’s the reason the sword couldn’t harm it.”

[Machine = innocent. Hannis = evil.]

Zedd talks about needing to be careful about treating the machine as if it is human. Nicci and Cara think Zedd is talking garbage. Richard notes that when the machine gives prophecies, it starts with a sudden thump and the strips come out hot. When it is actually conversing, or seeming to, it slides into action and the strips are cool.

The fact that the prophecy about the hounds taking Kahlan came on a cool strip makes Richard think that it is one that the machine wanted him to have.

[GO AND CHECK ON HER AGAIN, YOU TWIT]

But we do make some progress. Richard decides:

”I think Hannis Arc, not real prophecy, could somehow be at the centre of this.”

[SO SADDLE UP AND KILL HIM. STOP WASTING TIME.]

Nope. They decide to feed more strips into the machine and talk to it some more.

---------------------------------------

”Do you know who is responsible for the darkness that you say has come into you ?” Richard said down at the machine. “Can you name the darkness ?”

The machine answers “darkness”. It says darkness is not its purpose. It says its purpose is to fulfil its purpose.

[Gibberish.]

It says it was created by others. It had no choice. It says Richard must fulfil his purpose.

Nicci says that Richard should get back up to Kahlan.

[Thanks, Nicci. Bit late, but good idea there.]

One last message, a cool one, from the machine.

Your only chance is to let the truth escape.

------------------------------------------

Infuriating. If he cares so much about Kahlan, he wouldn't be down there fucking around with this machine. If Hannis Arc is pretty much clearly to blame, he should have Ludwig tortured. This is terrible, terrible decision-making, even in a Goodkind book.

And I knew Zedd wouldn't be any use. He has done NOTHING useful all book. He's supposed to be the foremost wizard on earth. If Terry is going to kill him, he should get on with it. Have some wizard's fire rebound on him and fry him. Have him jump off the plateau and land on a spike.

Body Count: 18 - 2 soldiers, 1 assassin, 7 children, 1 aristocrat, 1 psycho woman, 1 large black dog, 1 Queen, 1 unborn Prince, 1 Jit prisoner, 1 Jit Creature, 1 bitch Queen.
Maimed Count: 3.5 - Jit Creature’s hand, Kahlan's whole body/soul, Ludwig will be a bit sore, Vika brought to brink of death and back.
Sexy Time Count:3.5

 

[bluemax]

Well at least he actually works, unlike certain other fantasy writers ;-)

 

[questionmark]

They were idiotic to take her out of the Garden of Life in the first place. IT HAS A MAGICAL FORCEFIELD. FUCK.

And Mord-Sith are immune to magic, supposedly. Absolutes mean fuck nothing in Terry Goodkinds universe.

 

[questionmark]

I thought he didn't write fantasy. Consistency is obviously not his strong suit.

 

[Salazar]

I thought he didn't write fantasy. Consistency is obviously not his strong suit.

Well, that was written about him in the Bangor Daily News.

http://www.sff.net/people/lynn.flewelling/s.goodkind.html

Maybe that day he was willing to admit that he wrote fantasy, but not that he is a fantasy writer.

And yeah, the canonical rules have completely dissolved. One of the cool things about Mord Sith was that they could wander the world fucking up wizards and witches.

I'm not gonna shed tears about it, but I do, as an editor, want Terry to make the most of the minuscule gifts he possesses.

 

[Salazar]

Kahlan wakes up, feeling herself rocking from side to side. Her head hurts. When she touches it, her hand feels wet.

As she struggled up onto her knees, she touched her tongue to her hand. She was right; it was blood.

Her mind is racing. She still feels sick.

Suddenly, a big dog bounded up out of the darkness, slamming into the side of the wagon, startling her. It dropped back, unable to make it all the way into the wagon, but it hooked its front legs over the side and held on. [rofl. wtf is going on ?] The dog scrambled, stretching its neck to get its massive head inside, trying to get enough of its weight into the wagon to have the leverage to get all the way in.

Strings of frothy drool whipped from side to side as the animal, even while trying to climb into the wagon, snapped at her. Kahlan immediately kicked one of the dog’s legs off the edge of the wagon. The dog struggled, but couldn’t hold on with one paw [no shit] and fell off into the darkness.

[Well, that was strange.]

Kahlan frets a bit. She can’t see who is driving the wagon, and can’t get to the front without climbing back out and over the roof. More dogs leap up onto the wagon as she begins trying to do this. Kahlan kicks them off. They keep jumping up and hooking their legs on the back of the wagon. Their eyes glow red.

She fights off these wild dogs for fuck knows how long. She starts to run out of breath.

With the dogs continually making running jumps at the wagon, she knew that it was only a matter of time until they made it up and in.

She feels a pang of longing for Richard. She sees a horse trailing behind the wagon, bound to it by a rope. She pulls on the rope, trying to bring the horse close enough. She leaps off the wagon onto the horse, barely escaping the snapping dogs.

The horse bolts away. The dogs continue their chase.

--------------------------------

I still think she is headed to Jit. Those aren't normal dogs. There is magic at work.

Body Count: 18 - 2 soldiers, 1 assassin, 7 children, 1 aristocrat, 1 psycho woman, 1 large black dog, 1 Queen, 1 unborn Prince, 1 Jit prisoner, 1 Jit Creature, 1 bitch Queen.
Maimed Count: 4.5 - Jit Creature’s hand, Kahlan's hand and head, Ludwig will be a bit sore, Vika brought to brink of death and back.
Sexy Time Count: 3.5

 

[Dina]

This thread even made it to Pat's Fantasy Hotlist: http://fantasyhotlist.blogspot.com/

 

[milkyjay20]

ahahahahaa thank you so much, salazar. endless enjoyment.

 

[magnificent83]

This thread is a godsend. Its reminding me why my current re-reading of the series is going so slow despite my over abundant free time. The books just suck.
I was hoping to give the series a second chance because I had read SoT in high school out of order and thought that's why I hated that awful ending of the original series. But re-reading it (got up to book 4) and Amirox's thread have just reminded me of why I loathe the series.

 

[Shiv47]

Reading all these excerpts is excruciating (and comedic) enough, but then reading him say he labors for hours over a single paragraph...you gotta be kidding.

 

[iammeiam]

I was going to say that at least there's been no kidnapping this book, but now Kahlan's in a fucking cart going wherever, probably about to fight off a canine rape attempt or something. Because the mystery disease just wasn't good enough.

Do we have enough book left for Zedd to die heroically? Storywise, it'd help Richard hit bottom and realize he hasn't been his usual violent self lately. Otherwise Zedd probably won't die until the end of the arc.

 

[kottila]

The book is almost over now and still almost nothing has happened? feels like the whole story would fit in a 50min tv episode.

 

[Dead Man]

This thread is one of the greatest I have ever read. Thanks be to Salazar!

 

[Rubashov]

I hope there's a rape machine buried somewhere under the palace. Terry has to do something to meet his quota.

 

[Salazar]

Richard is chatting quietly to Berdine, asking her if anything has happened.

”Dead quiet out here, Lord Rahl”. [Except for the snapping and growling of wolves and the sounds of a full-fledged brawl, Lord Rahl.] Berdine pointed a thumb back over her shoulder. “I looked in on the Mother Confessor earlier and she was sleeping soundly. After that I took a tour of the area just to satisfy myself that there was no one around and nothing out of the ordinary. [Because that’s what a good personal guard does. They go walk-about. Excellent.] Then I came back up to this end of the hall and I’ve been right here outside the door ever since. The Mother Confessor has been a perfect patient. I haven’t heard a peep out of her”.

Richard laid a hand gently on the Mord Sith’s red-leather-clad shoulder. “Thanks, Berdine”.
[You’re SACKED, Berdine. God DAMN. How could you do this ?]

She asks Richard if the machine has been talking/spitting out strips. Richard says yeah, but it’s gibberish.

Berdine says that maybe they need the rest of the book. [It wouldn’t be a bad idea.] Richard agrees, maybe they do. But does nothing about it. Ugh.

He slips quietly into Kahlan’s room, thinks about sleeping in a chair to avoid disturbing her, and then realises that the blanket is far from the bed.

The omen that Hounds Will Take Her From You flashes through his mind.
[You deserve this, Richard. You are a joke of a husband.]

When he notices that Kahlan isn’t in the bed, he figures she might have gone to the balcony for some air. Seeing the pack on the floor makes him pretty much certain that something is badly wrong. He runs to the balcony, decides that she definitely didn’t jump and probably didn’t fall, and then sees a scuff mark, made by a boot, on the top of a railing.

He leaps to the other balcony, as Kahlan did. He follows her route down some stairs and out into the palace grounds. His woods guide skills [Not rusty in the slightest.] enable him to detect her tracks.

What could she have been running from ?

[At a guess, hounds, you muppet.]

---------------------------------

Richard follows Kahlan’s tracks - which indicate that she was running as fast as she could - to an area where lots of wagons are preparing to leave.

[Presumably none of the officials, and not many of the common folk for that matter, want to stick around while a pack of idiots talk to a machine and people get flayed by dogs and done in by Mord Sith.]

Richard was concerned about all the things that had happened recently

[Good to know.]

There are no prints of anything chasing her. Huh. So these hounds have mass and tangibility at some points, like when one is on top of Kahlan in her bed, but they can go ghostly when they want.

Or Kahlan really was imagining them. Which would be weird in a general sense, but I will assume that Terry knows what he meant to write.

With an icy [and belated] sense of dread, Richard realised Kahlan was gone.

Her tracks have stopped. She could be in any one of these wagons. There are lots of wagons. Richard despairs.

----------------------------------

Patrols that had spotted Richard ran up to see what the problem was. Richard saw other soldiers on horse back appear in the distance

Richard asks them if they have seen Kahlan. They haven’t. He wants them to get a detachment of cavalrymen to follow every wagon that has left overnight.

The man clapped a fist to his heart. “At once, Lord Rahl”

Richard wants a horse for himself, too.
[Finally, taking some individual goddamn action.]

He isn’t going with the men to search the wagons, though. While making this decision, he has had a good old think about how “their recent troubles seemed bound up in prophecy”, and how those bastards in Fajin Province are 99.999999% likely the ones to blame.

He doesn’t wait for Zedd, Nicci, Nathan, or Cara. He doesn’t have a moment to waste, and they [especially that waster Zedd] would only slow him down.

A soldier steps forward and says words to the effect of OOoooooooh, the Kharga Trace. Nasty area. Don’t want to go there, my Lord.

Richard says he will be ok.

[In previous books, I would have agreed. Richard is a beast, evildoers beware. But I dunno. Hannis, Ludwig, and Jit are showing a lot more oomph than he is.]

One of the other soldiers ran up and threw saddlebags over the back of the horse. “At least take some supplies, Lord Rahl”

[A double serving of man/hero the fuck up is in order. Indeed.]

Richard thunders off into the distance.

---------------------------

At least Richard is doing something. He has got above walking pace. He is On The Move. Presumably he has his sword. Ludicrous fail on Berdine's part. I don't even know why they left Kahlan in a room on her own, especially one with an open balcony. Assassins and shit. Gars. Reasonably motivated thugs with climbing equipment. I did not expect them to add another catastrophic case of negligence to the splendid idea of removing her, a woman in acute danger, from a magical forcefield.

Anyway. Watch out, Jit.

Body Count: 18 - 2 soldiers, 1 assassin, 7 children, 1 aristocrat, 1 psycho woman, 1 large black dog, 1 Queen, 1 unborn Prince, 1 Jit prisoner, 1 Jit Creature, 1 bitch Queen.
Maimed Count: 4.5 - Jit Creature’s hand, Kahlan's hand and head, Ludwig will be a bit sore, Vika brought to brink of death and back.
Sexy Time Count: 3.5

 

[Salazar]

Kahlan wakes [as ever, with a start, in a condition of feminine nervousness]. She can’t see the hounds, but she knows that they are coming. It is apparent that she is doing what Henrik did: running away from the hounds but towards Jit.

It has been days.

At night, when it got dark enough, the hounds would seem to disappear for the night. She thought that maybe they went off at night to search for food and to rest. At first, she had entertained the hope that they had tired of the chase and had given up.

Nope. The hounds are always there, lending credence to the idea that they are pretty damned magical. And vaguely supporting the notion, admittedly a slim likelihood, that Kahlan is imagining them. She would need to be in one hell of a fever, but who knows.

She takes good care of the horse.

For some reason, the hounds ignored the horse

.

This is when Kahlan dismounts and climbs trees to get some rest. The horse is terrified by the hounds, though, so I guess they’re not products of hallucination.

Kahlan has eaten a few travel biscuits and some dried fruit she had in her pack.

[But she left her pack in the room... Richard saw it. Ah, never mind.]

She sees a human-looking shadow slinking about in some trees and thinks to call for help.

But it is a dog. She pulls the horse close to the tree with the rope, and drops down onto its back. The dogs start howling and the horse bolts.

---------------------------

Kahlan was cold, wet, and miserable.

She notes that “to an extent, the hounds helped guide her in the sense that they left her only one real direction she could go”.

[Yes, that’s the point. They’re not helping you. They’re shepherding you towards a chittering freak sorceress with walls full of trapped humans being milked of their bodily fluids.]

She thinks of Richard and feels a stab of longing. Wipes a tear from her eye.

Suddenly, the dogs attack. The horse gallops, and skids to a halt just short of a rocky ledge. She slips off the horse’s back, and “practically dove down the steep drop”.

She makes a dangerously rapid descent, leaping on instinct.

With a hard impact she hit the bottom and fell sprawling on her face. Without taking the time to feel sorry for herself [what ?] she pushed herself up.

The dogs are snapping right behind her again. She keeps falling down, into gravel, into mud.

She didn’t trust stepping in the water because she feared that she would sink in and get her foot caught in a tangle of roots below. She could even break an ankle. Both thoughts terrified her.

The dogs are having trouble following her along Jit’s vine-woven pathway. Their paws keep slipping in the cracks, you see.

Kahlan thinks that this lovely path is so well built that it will “surely lead to salvation”. I shit you not. She thinks that. Even Henrik had the wits to be afraid at this point.

----------------------------------

She didn’t know who had placed all the candles to welcome visitors but she was thankful for them.

Kahlan thinks she has beaten the prophecy. She almost feels a little cheerful. Still hungry, and really damned tired, but on the up.

She hears a whisper.

”Mother Confessor...”

And again. She walks towards the wall and finds Henrik wedged inside it.

”They put me in here. Please, help me ?”

Kahlan, who has a knife now, starts cutting away the branches. They are really thorny, and Henrik is in a bad way. He apologises, as she frees him, for scratching her. He didn’t mean it.

”Run”, he said, in a weak voice.

Kahlan frowned at him. “Who did this to you ? What’s going on ?”

“Run”, he said again. “Get away before they get you too”

Sensible boy. Kahlan says she can’t run. The dogs will get her. Henrik says Jit is worse than the dogs. Again, spot on.

Henrik runs. [Save yourself, my boy. Kahlan is doomed.]

Just then, a woman in a cowled cape reached out and put a hand under Kahlan’s arm. She hadn’t seen the woman come up from behind.

[Just as most people do not ordinarily see things behind them.]

They do all the come, this way, we’ve been expecting you stuff. Kahlan notices Jit’s jar collection, and then is dragged face to face with Jit.

Jit gives Kahlan as broad a grin as a sewn-shut mouth can manage. Kahlan quivers. Jit clicks and squeals in delighted response.

One of her creatures bows and says:

”I will leave at once, Mistress, and let him know that we have her, and that she will soon be among the walking dead”

-------------------------------------

Kahlan wonders if she heard that right.

The creature vanishes “like smoke through the walls”.

The small woman with the leather thongs sewing her mouth closed turned and tossed a handful of dusty material in the shallow bowl where sticks were smoldering. Sparkling light spiraled up. Other figures, grotesque figures only partially visible, crowded into the room.

These figures are skeletal, with swollen joints, demonic heads, a sort of slimy texture, and they all grin at Kahlan with mouths full of tiny pointy teeth.

Jit grabs Kahlan’s hand.

Kahlan thinks, “Got you, bitch”, and unleashes her Confessor power.

Time stops, the usual stuff. But nothing happens. Jit is immune. Kahlan realises that Jit is the Hedge Maid that everyone was talking about.

The bony demon creatures rip Kahlan’s clothes off. They cavort for a bit, and then install her in the wall with the rest of the naked folks, some dead, others distressed.

Kahlan could do nothing to stop the madness.

Creatures collect the blood that drips from her wounds (thorns, general abrasion) and take bowls of it to Jit. Jit drinks it - presumably slurping somehow, or using some kind of straw.

Kahlan passes out.

--------------------------

So they want to zombify Kahlan ? To what end ? Anyway, good for Henrik. It's deeply unfair that he got caught up in this, and I am a little bit proud that he just scooted away from Kahlan when she stood there like a dunce and got herself captured.

Body Count: 18 - 2 soldiers, 1 assassin, 7 children, 1 aristocrat, 1 psycho woman, 1 large black dog, 1 Queen, 1 unborn Prince, 1 Jit prisoner, 1 Jit Creature, 1 bitch Queen.
Maimed Count: 6.5 - Jit Creature’s hand, Kahlan's hand and head, Ludwig will be a bit sore, Vika brought to brink of death and back, Henrik permanently traumatised and covered in scratches, Kahlan likewise.
Sexy Time Count: 4.5 - demon creatures tearing clothes off Kahlan. A little sexy, in a Goodkind-ish way.

 

[gburgess10]

Don't you just go mad when characters make the stupidest contrived decisions?

It makes me go nuts. Serves them all right when shit gets fucked up for them.

One can only hope that Khalan dies.

 

[Salazar]

Richard has arrived at the entrance to Jit’s lair.

I dunno how he has tracked Kahlan. Woods guide skills are no joke.

He knew that Kahlan had gone this way. He knew because he had tracked her there. He’d seen where she had fallen from her horse and slid down the steep slope. He’d seen her footprints, staggering in a crooked line, wandering off the trail into boggy mud and then back again.

Ok, Terry. But this is still an epic feat of tracking. Should have just said that Richard’s love for Kahlan drew him towards her.

He would have caught up with her long before had his horse not been killed. It had happened after dark when a huge wild boar had charged out of the brush. It wasn’t rutting season but wild boars could be aggressive anytime, and this one certainly had been

A Jit boar ? Or coincindence ? Anyway, Richard cut the boar in two but not before it had gutted his horse.

He had contemplated leaving her trail and going off to find another horse

[Is he stoned ? Come on now, what the fuck ?]

When he reaches the entrance, Henrik comes running out.

”The Hedge Maid, Jit, had me. She put me in the walls with the others”

Richard talks to Henrik, who is commendably lucid, for a while, and he gets the low down on Jit’s operation. He tells Henrik to go and wait for Zedd, Nicci, Nathan, and Cara, who will be fairly close behind.

Henrik says he is scared of the hounds. Richard says the hounds aren’t real - [Motherfucker can’t know that for sure. I’m confident that the hounds are at least 75% real.]

Henrik looked skeptical. “If you say so, Lord Rahl”

[GO WITH YOUR GUT, HENRIK. IGNORE THIS ASSHOLE.]

Henrik agrees to stand there and wait. He is apologetic, you see, about bringing Kahlan-flesh to Jit.

Richard starts to climb on top of Jit’s vine fortress.

-------------------------------

Richard crawls over the vine structure. It is slippery, and covered in unhelpful thorns, moss, and mold, but he manages. He faces the difficulty that he doesn’t know where underneath him Kahlan is being held.

As he moved ahead, he had to carefully skirt a poisonous yellow-and-red-banded snake lying over a branch hanging down in his way.

He sees, and then smells, some smoke. Smoke that smells like death. When he gets closer to it, he hears “crazy chanting, thumping, and carrying-on right underneath him”.

He had already decided, from everything he knew, that nothing going on below him could be anything good.

[Honestly, Terry. This is obviousness on an operatic scale. You’ve got to stop writing like this.]

Richard has no illusions. This will be a fight to the death. His only chance is to surprise them and fuck them up with the sword.

Richard drew the blade across the inside of his arm, letting it bite through his flesh to have a taste of blood. A crimson drop ran down the fuller and dripped off the tip.

Richard lifted the blade stained with blood and touched it to his forehead. “Blade, be true this day”, he whispered.

[As pathetic a compound of Rambo and Conan as that passage is, and as daft as it might seem to deliberately injure yourself before going into battle, I am pleased. This is what Richard does. Stupid violent shit. He was born to slice his own arm and whisper macho nonsense to his sword.]

He does a foot-first pencil-dive down through the branches.

He landed in the heart of madness.

----------------------------

Finally, as the book draws to a close, the hero starts acting like a hero. Who gives a shit what the omen machine says ? Bury it again. Kill Hannis Arc. Kill any noble who rejects your total imperial authority. March your army into their lands. This whole arc is being sustained merely by Richard's hesitation with respect to acting like a god damn proper fantasy hero.

Body Count: 18 - 2 soldiers, 1 assassin, 7 children, 1 aristocrat, 1 psycho woman, 1 large black dog, 1 Queen, 1 unborn Prince, 1 Jit prisoner, 1 Jit Creature, 1 bitch Queen.
Maimed Count: 7.5 - Jit Creature’s hand, Kahlan's hand and head, Ludwig will be a bit sore, Vika brought to brink of death and back, Henrik permanently traumatised and covered in scratches, Kahlan likewise, Richard stupidly cutting his own arm.
Sexy Time Count: 4.5 - demon creatures tearing clothes off Kahlan. A little sexy, in a Goodkind-ish way.