Dating-Age |OT5| Halp me pls. In the bathroom.
- Thread starter Septimius
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Then I would definitely say that the person you portrayed yourself as in the texts wasn't the person you portrayed yourself as during the date. It is also possible that a new guy entered the picture and she just saw him as a better option. Anyhow, no reason to overthink it. Like AD said, take risks. You can really only gain by doing so.
Count Dookkake
Member
Lol.
Feel free to over-text all you want. Maybe it'll work out for you.
FWIW, I'm posting this from the bed of a woman 15 years my junior. Didn't get here by texting like a teenage girl.
thoseAREmySHOES
Member
I'm in a similar situation with the girl I'm dating right now. She said she hardly ever has her phone off silent mode and will often times go hours without checking it. We really only text when we are setting up dates, or very sparingly when something comes up that reminds us of something we talked about on a previous date. I knew going in she wasn't big into texting, so I've felt a lot less compelled to force a text conversation just to have one. Given my inexperience, I'm not in a position to give much advice, and some women will want more text interaction than others - all I can say is that I doubt anyone would enjoy a clearly forced text conversation.
Congrats! Given the tone of that original text, I almost expected to hear a disaster story.
BladeoftheImmortal
Member
Seriously you sound creepy when you say Emily this, Emily that. You had three dates. She's still effectively a stranger as much as girl after and after that are. Why aren't you using their names? This comes off as super possessive and you should stop, bro.
Don't let her know you are in love yet. I hope that was just an exaggeration.
Continue to do what you have been doing, it's working. Don't come on too strong and don't get overly invested yet, you'll set yourself up for a crash when she's not as perfect as she seems. Just play it cool. It's only the second date right?
ElephantShell
Banned
People obsessing over texting habits is pretty crazy.
My girlfriend is a notoriously bad texter, rarely texts people first and takes forever to respond. All her friends know it, her family knows it, that's just the way she is. If I had let that deter me or freak me out in the early going I would have missed out on a (so far) great relationship.
Basically: DONT FREAK OUT ABOUT THE WAY PEOPLE TEXT especially if your in-person chemistry is good.
My girlfriend is a notoriously bad texter, rarely texts people first and takes forever to respond. All her friends know it, her family knows it, that's just the way she is. If I had let that deter me or freak me out in the early going I would have missed out on a (so far) great relationship.
Basically: DONT FREAK OUT ABOUT THE WAY PEOPLE TEXT especially if your in-person chemistry is good.
Bruce Springsteen
Member
Yeah I'm exaggerating but she really is amazing, it was second date, super early still. I'm trying not to get invested as she could just move on next week
Yeah except adults don't do that stuff since we're not in high school. I can't remmeber a time I dated a girl and texted all day. Sounds rather obnoxious
SneakersSO
Member
The texting thing, for me, has kinda evolved in recent years. My observations are that, I typically will have a running text with a girl, but only after i'm in a relationship with them, not necessarily courting them. And its usually not even me that starts it; its usually my partner. Part of this is because the girls i've had LTR's with & I usually have very time consuming positions, hence why we text & maintain some contact throughout the day. But even in those relationships, I never kept a tally of when the last time she texted me, nor did they ever get mad that I took awhile to text them back.
I will say that getting into dating now, some of my bad texting habits have definitely come to light. Its no where near as bad as some of the examples i've seen, but there was definitely some room for improvement. However, some of that stuff seemed to be holdovers from a decade ago and how I used to chat up girls I was interested in. Now that i'm seriously in the dating scene, becoming aware & mitigating those bad habits has been a great.
I will say that getting into dating now, some of my bad texting habits have definitely come to light. Its no where near as bad as some of the examples i've seen, but there was definitely some room for improvement. However, some of that stuff seemed to be holdovers from a decade ago and how I used to chat up girls I was interested in. Now that i'm seriously in the dating scene, becoming aware & mitigating those bad habits has been a great.
Adults don't do it because they're not in high school? I'm not following the logic. Are you implying that adults can't frequently communicate with someone they are interested in just because they are adults? This makes absolutely no sense unless your job forbids it or it's just not in the person's personality to communicate a lot. I will take a girl who would rather communicate with me all day over a girl who spends all of her time on social media like a lot of them do.
Miles Quaritch
Member
I only mention them as it seems they would be the best place to find a date who is actually willing to meet up and not just wasting time.
The whole paywall makes it so there's very few timewasters. It's a risk of course, having to pay and maybe not getting any dates, but it seems like it might be one worth taking if you've exhausted all other avenues.
Sorry for going off topic, but I've been trying to make new friends lately and I wanted the opinion of you guys. Do these rules apply to friends as well? It's kind of exhausting being the one who initiates everything and constantly getting flaked.
Jason's Ultimatum
Member
Well, she said sorry for not replying in a couple of days, and she said I'm a nice guy but isn't really feeling the chemistry.
This stings, because it has to be a looks thing. We had so much in common, then when we meet in person she probably didn't think I was good looking enough or at least from my profile pics.
This stings, because it has to be a looks thing. We had so much in common, then when we meet in person she probably didn't think I was good looking enough or at least from my profile pics.
Well, she said sorry for not replying in a couple of days, and she said I'm a nice guy but isn't really feeling the chemistry.
This stings, because it has to be a looks thing. We had so much in common, then when we meet in person she probably didn't think I was good looking enough or at least from my profile pics.
That's a silly assumption.
I'd assume it's your clingy personality.
War Peaceman
You're a big guy.
To a much, much lesser extent. You'd go out of your way to get laid, less so to meet casual friends.
Well, she said sorry for not replying in a couple of days, and she said I'm a nice guy but isn't really feeling the chemistry.
This stings, because it has to be a looks thing. We had so much in common, then when we meet in person she probably didn't think I was good looking enough or at least from my profile pics.
for fuck sake
She wasn't feeling the chemistry. If you weren't physically attractive (and once you meet the line between physical and emotional/intellectual attraction blurs significantly) she would never had met you for the first/second time.
Just because you have common interests doesn't make you compatible.
She just didn't feel it. You cannot help that. You should be grateful she was open and direct about it.
What you do need to do is stop fucking worrying about every little detail. Reading your posts is exhausting. I can't imagine what it must be like inside your head. Find ways to relax yourself!
Miles Quaritch
Member
Well, she said sorry for not replying in a couple of days, and she said I'm a nice guy but isn't really feeling the chemistry.
This stings, because it has to be a looks thing. We had so much in common, then when we meet in person she probably didn't think I was good looking enough or at least from my profile pics.
Not feeling chemistry/a spark/whatever else doesn't mean she didn't find you physically attractive.
Having similar interests certainly doesn't mean there'll be a spark/chemistry either. Chill brother, it didn't work out, get back out there and stop overthinking it.
You're way out of line assuming that. If she felt that way she wouldn't have given you the light of day.Well, she said sorry for not replying in a couple of days, and she said I'm a nice guy but isn't really feeling the chemistry.
This stings, because it has to be a looks thing. We had so much in common, then when we meet in person she probably didn't think I was good looking enough or at least from my profile pics.
Take responsibility for your actions. How you are behaving with texting and obsessiveness is a huge turn off for women. You need to take some time and learn to care about yourself first. I highly reccomend the book 'Models.' It really helped me learn to focus on myself first, and that attitude in itself will make you an attractive man.
I've been reading your stuff for a while and this is my first time chiming in. Every step of the way you have taken the road that reflects your self-consciousness and insecurities. I know because I have been at that point in my life as well, post breakup with the once 'love of my life.' it's time to admit the problem and focus on solving it, man. Women are not the solution right now.
Jason's Ultimatum
Member
Well she said it didn't have anything to do with my pictures. I didn't come off as hostile asking what went wrong and told her I wasn't mad.
I dunno. You look for common interests and if it isn't that then you're left with physical looks.
Bullshit. Personality and chemistry matter more than looks and common interests.
Stop this.
ClosingADoor
Member
Unless this is a breakup with a long time girlfriend, talking about what went wrong is useless.
Common interest are not a guaranteed way to a relationship. It's more about how you interact with the other person, have fun and are comfortable with each other. Sure, it can help, but don't limit yourself to only people who have the same interests. Isn't it more fun to find something new? Maybe she can introduce you to new things, or the other way around.
Common interests are the last thing I look for. It's nice if I share interests with someone but what is most important is values and comfort.
Do I share values with this person? Do they respect and care about my hobbies?
Do I feel comfortable around this person? Can I be myself? Does this person bring happiness to my life?
People commonly misconstrue that identical hobbies and interests = soul mate, when that is not true at all. Some of the people I've dreaded most have shared my hobbies (videogames) and those that I've cared about most have been completely different from me.
This is the danger, in my opinion, of a lot of online dating sites. People look for individuals with very specific interests when in reality you have no clue what you are looking for.
Jason's Ultimatum
Member
Ok duely noted.
I have to be honest with you. She goes out drinking waaay too much, and I don't like that.
Maybe it worked out for the best and we weren't really compatible.
I have to be honest with you. She goes out drinking waaay too much, and I don't like that.
Maybe it worked out for the best and we weren't really compatible.
War Peaceman
You're a big guy.
Exactly this
and Jason, you have no idea whether you came off as hostile to her (I doubt you did, FWIW, you never come off as hostile, just self-conscious). You are readin gway too much into her actions. 'Chemistry' is a very hard thing to measure. If I designed the person I wanted to marry they probably be anywhere near as compatible as some people I've dated. It is a hard to measure and predict thing. She didn't feel it. Not your fault. Or hers. It happens.
I honestly really reccomend the book 'Models' by Mark Manson. It's not a "pickup" book by any means. It's a self-improvement book and really helped me develop myself as a person and approach dating from an entirely different and healthy perspective. I'm still working on it but I definitely used to overinvest and over think things almost identical to how you do.
I understand this shit and it's incredibly hard to stop doing it until you treat yourself with respect. I'm telling you man, take some time off and do some reflection and try taking yourself on a few dates.
It's hard to care about someone else if you don't at first care about yourself. The book will teach you how to develop yourself first.
This is just a girl you've met twice, not a break-up. I don't know why your first instinct is that it must be your looks. You really need to work on your self-esteem. Or if you really don't like how you look (irrespective of this girl), get a new haircut, spice up your wardrobe, hit the gym.
This couldn't be more true. Common interests are a nice bonus, but that's all they are.
This couldn't be more true. Common interests are a nice bonus, but that's all they are.
Yup. If you'd press on, you'd just get a BS non-answer anyway.
okay let's wrap this up.
1. text whenever you feel like it.
2. above said, don't be clingy/come off as desperate.
3. anytime you start overthinking 2, masturbate/work out.
4. always assume that you're 1 of 10 guys the girl is currently dating. Use this to reflect on 2 to avoid doing/saying anything stupid.
1. text whenever you feel like it.
2. above said, don't be clingy/come off as desperate.
3. anytime you start overthinking 2, masturbate/work out.
4. always assume that you're 1 of 10 guys the girl is currently dating. Use this to reflect on 2 to avoid doing/saying anything stupid.
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
You're trying to minimize what you just viewed as rejection. This was, by all accounts, a considerate woman who was direct about her feelings. Hell, I'm guilty of disengaging until contact evaporates too, so congrats to her for being a more evolved human being. Anyway, please understand that we're coming from a place of concern and appreciation; I suspect that we're simply worried that this cycle will repeat itself with the next girl.
It wasn't your looks. It wasn't your job (hope the interview went well, by the way). It may not even have been your personality. You'll never know, and since you met her twice, you're not owed an explanation. She "just wasn't feeling it," and you -- who were feeling it with her but not with some others -- should understand that.
I'm going to riff off of what Assanova and I discussed earlier. We mentioned initiating physical contact. Well, with my current lady friend, I felt comfortable with her in 5 minutes and it was easy. With some others, including one I saw right before her, it was hard. Things were going well enough, but I wasn't, well, feeling it. I'm betting you weren't really all that comfortable around her, even if she was great on paper.
Gotdatmoney
Member
Jason's problem is he's 0-100 about women real quick. Dude is all in before looking at his hand.
"Oh she smiled? I'M ALL FUCKING IN, THIS IS IT."
"Bro we are playing Go Fish. . "
No chill.
"Oh she smiled? I'M ALL FUCKING IN, THIS IS IT."
"Bro we are playing Go Fish. . "
No chill.
Craigslist!
But seriously just go on Tinder and use that as your opening line. "What are you up to this Sunday? Want to go with me to Beauty and the Beast?"
Might get a taker!
Edit:
Just Netflix, then?
SuperBanana
Banned
I just got dumped out of no where. 3 and a half year relationship. There goes my valentines day plans.
Mobile Suit Gooch
Grundle: The Awakening
If I find a girl with similar interests as me then I'll just assume that we're better off as friends.
BladeoftheImmortal
Member
Sorry, but bullshit. You haven't listened to anything anyone has said to you in the last 5 pages. If you want our advice then actually fucking use it. If you want to blog start a wordpress.
But this is the last time I'll be responding to you. You haven't listened to anyone telling you to chill. You went further and further off the deep end this whole time we've been trying to help you, and then you have the nerve to talk bad about her when it's obviously your overbearing nature that's at fault here.
I can't take you seriously anymore. You've yet to take to heart any advice anyone has given you. It stopped being cute three pages ago. Either start listening or enjoy your overbearing dating attempts that always lead to rejection.
She didn't think your constant texting was "hilarious/cute". Emily doesn't want you and you should stop using her name while not using any of the other girl's names, but really you should just stop using anyone's name since this is an online public message board.
Sorry to come down hard. But you need it. If you aren't a joke character then you need to do some major soul searching about yourself
Possibly enroll in therapy, but this constant ignorance of everyone's attempts to help you is infuriating.
You have done this all to yourself, and if you want an actual relationship with someone, you're going to have to start actually listening to other people's advice.
I've said my peace. I won't be responding.
Do you want to go see Beauty and the Beast?I just got dumped out of no where. 3 and a half year relationship. There goes my valentines day plans.
Bruce Springsteen
Member
So it's fashion week here in NYC, so after last night she mentioned she was going to be very busy next few days, so I should I not bother to suggest meeting up? I'll just let her suggest something if she wants then just wait till early next week to suggest meeting up again
BladeoftheImmortal
Member
If they say they'll be busy. Every other day I'll just send a small. How's everything going? message. If she starts a conversation then roll with it, but don't try to force her to chat.
I think your way is fine.
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
"Hey, good luck with the next few days! Would love to take you again - let me know when you've survived Fashion Week."
Simple, direct, ball's in her court. Ideally, you could pick a specific day/event if you have something in mind, of course. Or, as you said, just check in this Sunday to schedule something next week.
n64coder
Member
I think someone suggested Tinder. You could also try Reddit's personals forum. Someone mentioned it earlier in this thread.
Raven117
Member
HAHA, actually good advice, but the interplay between 1 and 2 is too vague for someone looking for guidance.
If its dates 1-5...don't text more than twice a day. That's not a bad rule.
no need to bring out the insults.
everyone has their own style and what they are comfortable with.
if you can't take a joke, then I dunno what to say.
4 is just shitty advice IMO. I think I understand where you're coming from, but assuming that the girl you're interested in is hitting up 9 other dudes is kind of a fucked way to think.
Better advice would be to just not go all in on someone and pretend like your life depends on their attention.
Count Dookkake
Member
I don't recall insulting you.
I do recall laughing at your joke, then saying do what you will, and closing with a live field report of my success without relying on over-texting.
Lol.
Feel free to ignore your blatantly obvious attempt at degradation.
FWIW, I am posting this while in bed a girl 5 years my junior. Didn't here by not-texting like an old man.
Count Dookkake
Member
lol.
If he makes jokes, he should be able to take jokes.
If he makes jokes, he should be able to take jokes.
"telegrams 4 lyfe" is a tad different than implying that someone else's communication habits are inferior to your own.
Just giving you a hard time man. If you were attempting to make a joke, it did come off as a little degrading.
He's right, people are different - some people enjoy texting, others don't. Texting in itself has no bearing on whether or not you will be successful.
I have a lot of friends who are girls and quite a few of them use dating sites. They talk to/date 4-5 guys at a time. It's perfectly normal, especially with the scale being tipped greatly in their favor. Guys do the same thing. This thread is evidence of that.
You really shouldn't put anyone you're dating on a pedestal until you've become exclusive. Thinking you're the only one they have eyes for is the real fucked up way to think.
Count Dookkake
Member
Your inference is not my implication. Regardless, I have repeatedly stated that over-texting is inferior and rife with potential pitfalls. I don't need to imply what I will directly say.
Now, you can let this bother you and persist in your alleged victimization, or you can lighten up, see the humor in this and move on. FWIW, it seems ant_ is someone you should listen to you if my advice seems to old school.
Cheers!
A hard time was not had. I lol'ed.
My post's intention was to get across the bolded.
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