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[Advocatus Diaboli]

For those of you in grad school, how do you guys find time to date?

I didn't really study much during law school and I studied even less during my LL.M. program. I spent a lot of time on my Master's in Economics, but I was married then, and I had proper time to devote to academics!

 

[Miles Quaritch]

Was late to a first date by 2 minutes and she left. Exchanged a few texts and she seemed to be light hearted about it and offered to reschedule.

I think she sent me a text during the day (no way to tell when it was really sent) to confirm a second time but I don't have access to my phone during work hours so she probably thought I wasn't gonna show?

I took total blame but 2 minutes though...

Not gonna bailout just yet. Giving it another go next Thursday. Our texts were being all weird too so we've switched to Whatsapp. Let's see how this goes...

Late by two minutes and she bailed? Was she even there? I'd seriously call her actually being there into question. No one leaves after two minutes. Hell, it can sometimes take two minutes to get from the front door of a place to the person you're meeting.

Texts usually have time stamps, don't they?

Yeah, that's a super bad habit I have. It's rare for me to have more than one date a month, so it's difficult for me to not get attached

Why aren't you setting up more dates? I'm sure you've already mentioned it, but refresh my memory.

 

[Kurtofan]

I do this all the time, though I haven't done it as much recently because online dating is so convenient (also where I live non-smoking bars are rare). Not awkward unless you make it awkward, plenty of other people do it too.

Do you just go in a bar and chat up people?

 

[Messofanego]

She doesnt make me unhappy, she makes me confused really.
Makes me worry about what kind of future is in store for us. She said she doesnt want my help, doesnt expect me to change her or take care of her, just doesnt want to be "abandoned" pretty much.

We are like best friends but she seems detached from love, romace, etc..

I worry Im involved with a person who could be my best-friend but has differing wants in needs in a relationship.

Admittedly yesterday I was a little childish but did a test...
I didnt text her as much, mostly responses, maybe a quarter of the amount I text her.
Before bed, and 2 hours since we last chatted I said "guess your not to chatty, off to bed goodnight"
She said I wasnt also so I couldnt say that.
I, stupidly, explained it was a test..said "I wanted to see how much we talked if I didnt initiate or carry a conversation"
So childsih of me to do that, and dumb for me to tell her.
She told me she didnt do test, called me deceptive.

I gave my usual good morning text and she asked if I was gonna test her today or treat her like a human being who has feelings...ugh..shot myself in the foot.

Its been a roller-coaster, been in this for 7 months.

Maybe im jumping the gun but at 36 and in for 7 months Im looking ahead. I do love her and I figure 7months+love= start thinking about the future. Am I "jumping ahead" to much?
Feel at my age, and she 32, 7 months is where you start thinking about maybe living together or marriage? Not soon mind you but "hey once we hit a year we should discuss this"

She's depressed but is stubborn about not wanting to recover and guilt-tripping if you ever move on from her. You don't need that. Think of cutting it off. 7 months sounds like torture.

"If you don't want me to help you and you push me away all the time, I don't have to be here. A relationship is a two-way street and I don't deserve this."

 

[Blues1990]

I really value being single, as I think it's important that you can only know and love someone if you know and love yourself. In a way, that sounds completely selfish to put your own needs before others, but I think you can't be in love with someone unless you love being who you are, you know? You need to be happy being a complete whole, and when you find someone that is "their own sphere", you can form a partnership that is on equal terms and respectful.

And even if it doesn't work out, you can go your separate ways and be fine in the aftermath. This is why I find it weird that our culture says that everyone's goal is to find/be in a stable relationship, or "This person is my other-half, and he/she completes me." Because if you break up or go through a fallout, half of who you are is being torn away. Of course, this is something that I think everyone needs to go through at least once, so that you can come to the realization that you need to not only be happy with yourself, as well as love yourself, before you can build towards a solid relationship.

I can be content with being happy with my own company.

 

[Llyranor]

Ahealy, if that was written by another GAFer, you would shake your head and tell him to move on.

 

[Miles Quaritch]

Ahealy, if that was written by another GAFer, you would shake your head and tell him to move on.

Ahealy's post in the worst breakup thread is...interesting.

 

[Messofanego]

I really value being single, as I think it's important that you can only know and love someone if you know and love yourself. In a way, that sounds completely selfish to put your own needs before others, but I think you can't be in love with someone unless you love being who you are, you know? You need to be happy being a complete whole, and when you find someone that is "their own sphere", you can form a partnership that is on equal terms and respectful.

And even if it doesn't work out, you can go your separate ways and be fine in the aftermath. This is why I find it weird that our culture says that everyone's goal is to find/be in a stable relationship, or "This person is my other-half, and he/she completes me." Because if you break up or go through a fallout, half of who you are is being torn away. Of course, this is something that I think everyone needs to go through at least once, so that you can come to the realization that you need to not only be happy with yourself, as well as love yourself, before you can build towards a solid relationship.

I can be content with being happy with my own company.

I read this as "whore" and laughed my head off.

Sorry, that's a great post anyway about importance of loving yourself before others and being content with just yourself if things fall apart.

 

[Scotch]

External and internal.

I don't want a boyfriend. Just a friend.

Using a picture of myself is one part trying to normalize it (if I have to look at it, maybe I won't hate it), but generally devolves into one part "see, look how ugly I am, y'all" and one part "look at how ugly I am, I am so ugly". It also deters me from posting sometimes so I don't have to look at myself so often, so I don't post quite as much dumb shit on here as I might haha. I still post too much though.

Anyway, no one will ever change how ugly I am and what I and others think of myself so it's really no good to try, so it's not a conversation for this topic.

I know you don't want to talk about it here, but you should give therapy another try. The way you are actively ignoring everyone here who tells you you're not ugly is maybe even more worrysome than how you perceive yourself.

It's gonna be hard to make friends when you misconstrue what they're saying all the time. People in this thread aren't saying it to make you feel better or whatever. You're pretty hot. Deal with it, already.

 

[Deleted member 594614]

Ahealy's post in the worst breakup thread is...interesting.

I had to edit it cauese I made someone angry cause I was, I guess, a little angry..

But you can see I have a history of terrible women in coming into my life and using me up.

And yeah, you can see another problem (which hasnt really reared its head as of late) My mopey GF has a guy buddy I dislike. I let their little texting back and forth and like for like IG stuff go on for a while and then I confronted her about him. She says hes no threat, laughed about it cause hes a vegan hippy type with cats and a pony tail. And he also dated her ex-best friend which she says is a clear example why he is a no go. Tho she admits he has a crush on her. She says their interactions are because her ex-bestie still emails him even tho they are broke up and they compare notes on lies or the ex-bestie talks about my GF and all the backstabbing stuff she did to her.
Since I confronted her about him and she told me all this the social media interaction with this has stopped. She said to me about 2 months ago he text her about something, said first time hes text her in 2 months. She said she wanted to tell me then asked if thats what I wanted, to be told if he text/calls etc..
I said no. While part of me wants to know EVERYTHING I wont look at her phone nor do I want to be that guy who has an always need to know relationship. But I do know he has text her since that night 2 months ago, she hasnt told me but told me shit like "so XXX sent me this screenshot of an email XXX sent him last week"
Bothers me, cause I know he likes her...and I know she thinks he is like Mr. Super White Knight Save the Spotted Tree Frog Superman. Even told me he suffers from the same depression so hes a "female version of me" ugh..but, he does have a pony-tail and she despises vegan food..so maybe Im just being paranoid.

So, an update..I did take her to dinner last night.
Showed up at her house, she got all starry eye'd over me and smiles. I expected a mess cause of the "test" argument the day before but as usual on the phone/text shes cold but in person shes all about "omg your so hot/cute" "I love you so much" or her favorite "I love you more" Even goes as far to admit it and say something along the lines of how shes head over heels for me in person and cant argue or be mopey when she sees me.

Were both two prototypical skinny as rails yet foodies so we both had are minds set on this soul food place and find that funny. But its black comedian night so, while were usual the only white people their, it would be abundantly awkward on black comedian night lol

We go to a low-key tavern that has this amazing popcorn and craft beer. We eat, great convo, and drink rather well (me 3 stouts and a glass of house red, her 2 Flemish sours)

I take her back home and I have to say it was a good evening.
I do have a bit of an odd moment when I float the idea that I will most likely be moving by next summer (as it stands we are an hour apart)
I say how part of me wished she felt how I felt and would come with me. I expected some odd spin from her but instead she said how that area is booming for her career and it would work perfectly. I was kinda taken back, like "um, who is this?"

As Im driving home my phone goes off. A series of heart and kiss emojis spam my phone. Then again it goes off, this time cute little snapchat selfies.

Get home and just send a "home, headed to bed. Thanks for a great night. Love you."
She sends back a "I love you soooo much more and I think you know thats a fact!"

So here I am...spent the night staring at her with puppy dog eyes. Shes a sight of beauty. Great convo and laughs as always. Sweet kisses and words when I arrive and when I drop her off..

But..I know for a fact, the next few days I cant make it too see her, the distance in her will shine, her always tired and sad talk will be prevalent. I'll feel like "is she messing with my head?"
She does want me to stay over Friday night and for us to go to a art show in this historic town a few hours away on Sat. Then she wants to go back to my house and do our usual cooking together weekend night.

 

[Kerrinck]

Have you guys ever had a distance problem on a relationship?
Been with this girl for close to a year and I really like her. The only problem is that she's around 20 minutes of driving distance and has no car.

I normally wouldn't mind that but she always wants to hang around my house or eat around my neighborhood (it's a pretty food centric neighborhood) so that usually amounts to more than an hour of driving and since I hate driving, it gets really tiresome. Since I still live with my parents, staying the night is not an option.

I try to change plans and suggest we eat closer to her house or hang in her house instead but she doesn't like it.

It's getting to the point of me making excuses not to see her for dreading the driving or being too tired.
Is it too petty to consider breaking up for this reason?

 

[Messofanego]

I had to edit it cauese I made someone angry cause I was, I guess, a little angry..

But you can see I have a history of terrible women in coming into my life and using me up.

With your posts about previous relationships in that other thread, I'm confused why you haven't had the gall to move on from what sounds like a disaster of a 7 month relationship where nothing is mutual. You even admit it's shitty. It's almost masochistic.

 

[ZackieChan]

I had to edit it cauese I made someone angry cause I was, I guess, a little angry..

But you can see I have a history of terrible women in coming into my life and using me up.

Imagine you're a ho. Now save yourself, ho.

 

[Llyranor]

Have you guys ever had a distance problem on a relationship?
Been with this girl for close to a year and I really like her. The only problem is that she's around 20 minutes of driving distance and has no car.

I normally wouldn't mind that but she always wants to hang around my house or eat around my neighborhood (it's a pretty food centric neighborhood) so that usually amounts to more than an hour of driving and since I hate driving, it gets really tiresome. Since I still live with my parents, staying the night is not an option.

I try to change plans and suggest we eat closer to her house or hang in her house instead but she doesn't like it.

It's getting to the point of me making excuses not to see her for dreading the driving or being too tired.
Is it too petty to consider breaking up for this reason?

20 min driving distance isn't much, but if you do 3 trips everytime you go out, I can see how that can be annoying, esp since you dislike driving. If this keeps up, you may grow resentful (if not already).

It's not petty in the sense that it IS a pretty one-sided arrangement unfair to you.

If it bothers you that much, talk to her about
1) Arrange a compromise. Public transport not available for her? Maybe meet nearer her place more often.
2) Keep doing this
3) If the annoyance and resentment trumps the benefits of the relationship (and there's an unwillingness to compromise on her part), reconsider where you stand

 

[Deleted member 594614]

Have you guys ever had a distance problem on a relationship?
Been with this girl for close to a year and I really like her. The only problem is that she's around 20 minutes of driving distance and has no car.

I normally wouldn't mind that but she always wants to hang around my house or eat around my neighborhood (it's a pretty food centric neighborhood) so that usually amounts to more than an hour of driving and since I hate driving, it gets really tiresome. Since I still live with my parents, staying the night is not an option.

I try to change plans and suggest we eat closer to her house or hang in her house instead but she doesn't like it.

It's getting to the point of me making excuses not to see her for dreading the driving or being too tired.
Is it too petty to consider breaking up for this reason?

Your lucky.

My GF lives an hour away in a major city. I have to jump on the highway, pay a toll then play "where the fuck do I park". Usually have to park 3 blocks away on streets where you cross your fingers you dont lose a side mirror.

But I stay usually 99% of the time when I go there.
Accept work nights..they suck. I get there at 6 or 7 (leave around 5 or 6) and drive home around 11-12 (get home around 12-1)
And I get uobat 4am for work!

I work swing shift (new shift every week) so I dont see her work nights when Im on 3rds. On 2nd shift I drive to her house afterwards. Those nights are usually "show up at 10, shower, drink 2-3 glasses of wine, have sex and fall asleep"

My shift and an hour drive are no fun. But thats me, I always jump through hoops lol

 

[Kerrinck]

20 min driving distance isn't much, but if you do 3 trips everytime you go out, I can see how that can be annoying, esp since you dislike driving. If this keeps up, you may grow resentful (if not already).

It's not petty in the sense that it IS a pretty one-sided arrangement unfair to you.

If it bothers you that much, talk to her about
1) Arrange a compromise. Public transport not available for her? Maybe meet nearer her place more often.
2) Keep doing this
3) If the annoyance and resentment trumps the benefits of the relationship (and there's an unwillingness to compromise on her part), reconsider where you stand

It's actually 4 trips since I pick her up, take her to my house or nearby, take her back home and go back once again to my house so it's probably around 90 minutes driving.

Thanks for the input, that's exactly what's happening. I love hanging out with her and we have great chemistry but I'm starting to get resentful. And everytime she wants to hang out and I make an excuse, I can see she's feeling unappreciated. Will find the right timing to talk to her since this is really tiring me out.

 

[gwailo]

Why can't she take a bus or cab/Uber to come see you and/or go home?

At the least is she offering to pay for gas?

Also you should be honest as to why you don't want to see her instead of making up excuses. That's not a good basis for a relationship and maybe it will be a push for her to get her license/car.

 

[Kerrinck]

Why can't she take a bus or cab/Uber to come see you and/or go home?

At the least is she offering to pay for gas?

Also you should be honest as to why you don't want to see her instead of making up excuses. That's not a good basis for a relationship and maybe it will be a push for her to get her license/car.

There's still no uber where I live and cab is a little bit on the expensive side. Bus is cheap enough but we live in a not so safe country and I really wouldn't like to see her getting a bus late at night.
And yeah, you're totally right on the excuses part. I keep saying I'm tired (which is kinda true) but I need to come clean otherwise the relationship is doomed. The silver lining is that I am moving out by the end of the year to my own place but not sure if I can hold it till then. From previous posts, looks like some people drive even longer so maybe I could just chalk it up till I move.

 

[ZackieChan]

Your lucky.

My GF lives an hour away in a major city. I have to jump on the highway, pay a toll then play "where the fuck do I park". Usually have to park 3 blocks away on streets where you cross your fingers you dont lose a side mirror.

But I stay usually 99% of the time when I go there.
Accept work nights..they suck. I get there at 6 or 7 (leave around 5 or 6) and drive home around 11-12 (get home around 12-1)
And I get uobat 4am for work!

I work swing shift (new shift every week) so I dont see her work nights when Im on 3rds. On 2nd shift I drive to her house afterwards. Those nights are usually "show up at 10, shower, drink 2-3 glasses of wine, have sex and fall asleep"

My shift and an hour drive are no fun. But thats me, I always jump through hoops lol

Yet another reason to stop seeing her!

 

[Miles Quaritch]

Imagine you're a ho. Now save yourself, ho.

Hehehe.

Listen to this advice, you know you're in a bad spot and yet you're sticking around and she has a vegan hippy friend.

That's reason enough to bail. Fly little sparrow, fly like you're life depends on it...

 

[ZackieChan]

Hehehe.

Listen to this advice, you know you're in a bad spot and yet you're sticking around and she has a vegan hippy friend.

That's reason enough to bail. Fly little sparrow, fly like you're life depends on it...

Maybe date the friend?

 

[gwailo]

Yet another reason to stop seeing her!

Her keeping a "friend" around that she admits has a crush on her while she throws up excuses why they would never never ever hook up is a big red flag on my end.

Ahealy's gonna come to his GF's house and it's gonna smell like patchouli and shame.

There's still no uber where I live and cab is a little bit on the expensive side. Bus is cheap enough but we live in a not so safe country and I really wouldn't like to see her getting a bus late at night.
And yeah, you're totally right on the excuses part. I keep saying I'm tired (which is kinda true) but I need to come clean otherwise the relationship is doomed. The silver lining is that I am moving out by the end of the year to my own place but not sure if I can hold it till then. From previous posts, looks like some people drive even longer so maybe I could just chalk it up till I move.

Well, 20 minutes isn't long at all, but going to get her, back to your place, driving to do something, and then driving to drop her off is a bit much if that's what's happens every time you meet up.

Why can't you do anything around her house? Maybe even just bring over some food and you guys can watch a movie or something. Every date doesn't have to be a big production. If you two are foodies, maybe you can hang out at her house and try out recipes while having a bottle of wine, or try different activities (hiking, picnic, etc) near her house. She shouldn't really expect you to be her chauffeur all the time.

 

[stn]

For fucks sake, AHealy. Why do you do this to yourself? I'm reading your stories and I can't believe it.

 

[friday]

I keep going on dates that are fine, but these girls never take a second to ask me anything about myself. It seems so weird, why go on a date if you don't even care to learn anything about the other person. At least the girl last night was good at making out.

I also think I need a reset on my tinder profile. New pictures and everything. I think I should be matching with better looking women so I am gonna mark that down to sending the wrong vibes with my pictures.

 

[Royal_Phalanx]

I really want to get to know a girl at my work better (it's a part time retail job so I'm not very bothered), she's a uni student but only works on weekends and on weekends I finish earlier than her so I don't have a chance to talk to her.

Also, thinking about where to take a girl right now. She hasn't got anything planned for next week so I have to figure out where to go in the evening.

 

[Joel Was Right]

Met someone online. Exchanged numbers, we talk for a few days over WhatsApp and phone calls. She is visiting my home town before flying abroad and then returning in two months. Her visit here will only last two weeks, but we're pretty excited and hopeful that we'll get to see each other a few times.

It's a full two days before she's able to call. She says she was busy, and it's fine. I don't mind. We arrange to meet up on a Friday (she landed on a Monday). We spent a few hours together and we shared a lot of laughs - it was nice hanging out, but I didn't get any sense from her that she was romantically interested. It seemed that we talked about everything and anything but 'us', or each other. I tried hinting it, but..

I bring it up a few days later through WhatsApp (she doesn't seem able to answer calls for whatever reason. I don't complain or ask her why that is) and she insists she is interested.

It's now the following Monday evening and although she has been active on WhatsApp throughout this period, it takes her half a day to reply to messages. Phone calls go to voice mail. She's busy.

It's now Wednesday - just a few days before she has to fly back - and I call hoping to arrange another date, but she tells me she's spending the night over with relatives. Okay, so why not let me know beforehand? In fact, I send her a frustrated text message. It's been almost two weeks and we've not had more than one phone conversation or any sort of conversation. She hasn't told me of her plans. She says she's been super busy, and whilst I don't doubt her, I'm wondering why she couldn't at least let me know through a text or two?

It's one thing not being able to meet up. It's another thing to completely ignore the topic whilst you have a very limited period of time to have the opportunity.

Why can't people be honest?

If you have a week or two to meet up someone, regardless of your plans or schedule, you should be looking forward to it or at least trying to talk to the person through whatever means you have, right?

 

[Salamando]

Why can't people be honest?

If you have a week or two to meet up someone, regardless of your plans or schedule, you should be looking forward to it or at least trying to talk to the person through whatever means you have, right?

The better question is why are you trying to gauge romantic interest on a first date with a girl who's going to be out of the country for two months? Should have focused on having fun, date other girls for two months, and pick things back up when/if she comes back.

It sounds like you were trying to make more out of the relationship than what it was. You were a guy she met online and had one date with. A guy who she wouldn't see for two months, and couldn't expect to remain exclusive so early. It's not that surprising she didn't try harder.

 

[ZackieChan]

The better question is why are you trying to gauge romantic interest on a first date with a girl who's going to be out of the country for two months? Should have focused on having fun, date other girls for two months, and pick things back up when/if she comes back.

It sounds like you were trying to make more out of the relationship than what it was. You were a guy she met online and had one date with. A guy who she wouldn't see for two months, and couldn't expect to remain exclusive so early. It's not that surprising she didn't try harder.

So much this. This is classic overinvestment after a single date. You should be working many more angles and don't get hung up. Sometimes people do weird shit - your mindset should be the opposite of where it is in this post.

I really want to get to know a girl at my work better (it's a part time retail job so I'm not very bothered), she's a uni student but only works on weekends and on weekends I finish earlier than her so I don't have a chance to talk to her.

Also, thinking about where to take a girl right now. She hasn't got anything planned for next week so I have to figure out where to go in the evening.

You are seriously putting the cart before the horse, man. Didn't we have a whole discussion about this less than a week ago?

I keep going on dates that are fine, but these girls never take a second to ask me anything about myself. It seems so weird, why go on a date if you don't even care to learn anything about the other person. At least the girl last night was good at making out.

I also think I need a reset on my tinder profile. New pictures and everything. I think I should be matching with better looking women so I am gonna mark that down to sending the wrong vibes with my pictures.

Well, what do you have going on that they should ask you about? Anything interesting?

 

[Joel Was Right]

The better question is why are you trying to gauge romantic interest on a first date with a girl who's going to be out of the country for two months? Should have focused on having fun, date other girls for two months, and pick things back up when/if she comes back.

It sounds like you were trying to make more out of the relationship than what it was. You were a guy she met online and had one date with. A guy who she wouldn't see for two months, and couldn't expect to remain exclusive so early. It's not that surprising she didn't try harder.

Sweeping generalisations about my competence aside, my complaints were about the lack of communication before and after the said date. If people are no longer interested, then they shouldn't say the complete opposite when asked.

So much this. This is classic overinvestment after a single date. You should be working many more angles and don't get hung up. Sometimes people do weird shit - your mindset should be the opposite of where it is in this post.

I genuinely do not understand how asking whether someone is interested in a second date is overinvestment, especially when they say they are and yet act differently. What would be the alternative? "Guys, she says she wants to see me again but she doesn't seem to respond to my texts/calls." The universal reaction by everyone here would be to simply ask her for clarification.

Regardless, my OP had little to do with that question in itself but rather the reasons as to why I asked. I didn't ask because I wanted a relationship and was desperate to get into one. I asked because she seemed disinterested despite saying otherwise. If people are going to tell me here I'm wrong, then please explain why being in a perpetual state of 'preoccupied' whilst active on social media is perfectly normal. Why ask to meet up in the first place? Why say you want to meet for a 2nd time? Why the radio silence despite this all with the plane leaving in a few days?

 

[Lone_Prodigy]

She's on vacation, isn't she? I can't really blame her if she has better things to do then meet a guy she met online. Maybe you're a backup if her other plans fall through. Maybe she was bored that one night and hung out with you instead.

The ball's in her court, anyway. She wants to see you again but has limited time to do so. Either she makes time for you, or she doesn't. Don't wait around for her.

 

[gwailo]

"Too busy" is usually a nicer way of saying "I'm not interested".

Overinvesting is seen by you writing two fairly lengthy posts about someone you went out with once and (as you admit) didn't feel any sparks towards you, even when you were pushing it on the first date, another classic overinvestment move. You already were thinking of each other as a couple.

Then you get clingy by messaging/calling her multiple times after she already gave you the "busy" brushoff. She is about to leave for months, do you really expect that she would spend her time with someone she barely knows instead of friends/family?

You don't need any closure or explanation. Chances are she didn't really feel it on the date, probably doesn't want to go out again, but didn't want any drama before leaving for a long trip, hence the "busy" or "my phone doesn't work" excuses.

Simple as that. Just move on.

 

[Llyranor]

Actions speak louder than words. If someone says they're interested, but they go out of their way to not seem interested through their actions, then chances are they are not interested.

 

[Reckoner]

Actions speak louder than words. If someone says they're interested, but they go out of their way to not seem interested through their actions, then chances are they are not interested.

Or maybe they just have social anxiety.

 

[Advocatus Diaboli]

I guess it's time to post this again, kids:

http://markmanson.net/fuck-yes

Key tagline:

Think about this for a moment: Why would you ever choose to be with someone who is not excited to be with you?

No one* is constantly busy. No one loses their phone. No one accidentally doesn't get your text or forget to reply. No one who wants to meet up with you will say "let's keep in touch" or "let's see each other sometime" when a date can be coffee for an hour and they can check their calendar on their phone, which -- again -- they absolutely didn't lose, so find someone else who doesn't fuck around and don't waste your mental energy on those who do.

You all know Occam's Razor, right? "Among competing hypotheses, the one with the fewest assumptions should be selected." Well, here's my variant: "Among competing partners, the one who displays the least interest in you is fucking someone else."

* Law of large numbers here, of course. But remember: don't make excuses for people. It's their job to provide justification (or not, at which point, bail).

 

[Miles Quaritch]

It's overinvestment because you're focused entirely on her when she's showing the absolute bare minimum of interest in meeting you again.

You care too much. Too invested. If you weren't as invested as you are, you would have said okay, she's not interested so it's onto the next person, but you're not, you're continually messaging and calling.

Sure, okay, she's busy, but I've never met anyone who doesn't have an hour or two to meet if they really want to. Once met a woman after work and she was coming down with a cough/sore throat but still made time because she was interested in meeting...

 

[bluethree]

I guess it's time to post this again, kids:

http://markmanson.net/fuck-yes

Key tagline:



No one* is constantly busy. No one loses their phone. No one accidentally doesn't get your text or forget to reply. No one who wants to meet up with you will say "let's keep in touch" or "let's see each other sometime" when a date can be coffee for an hour and they can check their calendar on their phone, which -- again -- they absolutely didn't lose, so find someone else who doesn't fuck around and don't waste your mental energy on those who do.

You all know Occam's Razor, right? "Among competing hypotheses, the one with the fewest assumptions should be selected." Well, here's my variant: "Among competing partners, the one who displays the least interest in you is fucking someone else."

* Law of large numbers here, of course. But remember: don't make excuses for people. It's their job to provide justification (or not, at which point, bail).

this is a great post. OT6 should probably just be called "Read Mark Manson's stuff and get back to us"

and to add to this - women who are genuinely busy WILL find a way to spend time with you, period. When this happens, she'll be upfront about her schedule but still try to find time with you. I remember meeting someone a couple years back when I first moved here, said she was busy for weeks with various life things, but still found the time to meet up with me for a drink on short notice. That didn't work out because I wasn't very interested in her, but the point still stands.

 

[Miles Quaritch]

Common sense is the first thing that goes out the window when you're too invested in something...

 

[WolfeTone]

Some good advice posted so far. If someone is 'too busy' to hang out, don't waste your time waiting for them. People make time for the things they care about. If someone is too busy to meet you, move on with your life and find someone else. Do not get invested in someone too early or you just set yourself up for disappointment.

In answer to the questions about why she just doesn't say she's not interested, some people, guys in particular, have a tendency to react negatively to rejection. If you expect guys to flip out and call you a bitch after you turn them down, you probably start to prefer just going no contact and ghosting out. At the same time, some people just like attention, they like having someone to talk to, even if they never want to meet up. Either way, it's easy to spot the signs that someone is not interested. It's up to you whether or not you choose to ignore them. So many people love ignoring the signs it seems.

 

[bluethree]

Either way, it's easy to spot the signs that someone is not interested. It's up to you whether or not you choose to ignore them. So many people love ignoring the signs it seems.

I'm no expert in reading people, but it really is incredible how easy the signs are to spot once you get used to them. It's definitely something you get much better at with experience. People really aren't these big mysteries that can't be figured out (at least when it comes to simple stuff like this).

 

[Miles Quaritch]

I don't think people willfully ignore the signs, they just can't see them because they are too blinded by their own hopes and dreams of what will never be.

As for the why, why, why...some people love attention, so much so they will lead others on and mess with their feelings to get their fix and when they find someone who incests too much from the jump, that's like the jackpot for them...

 

[Scotch]

I genuinely do not understand how asking whether someone is interested in a second date is overinvestment, especially when they say they are and yet act differently. What would be the alternative? "Guys, she says she wants to see me again but she doesn't seem to respond to my texts/calls." The universal reaction by everyone here would be to simply ask her for clarification.

No, the universal reaction would be to move on. If she doesn't respond after your first message, MAYBE send a second one but after that the ball is in her court.

 

[WolfeTone]

I'm no expert in reading people, but it really is incredible how easy the signs are to spot once you get used to them. It's definitely something you get much better at with experience. People really aren't these big mysteries that can't be figured out (at least when it comes to simple stuff like this).

Yeah I think you're right here, maybe it is something that comes with experience. Even for those without experience there are very easy ways to tell if someone is into you. Ask them out directly

You text them: Hey want to go out for coffee at Coffee Shop next Tuesday at 7pm?

If they don't reply, they're not interested. If they reply a couple of days later saying "Sorry I've been busy, how are you?", they're not interested.

If they reply after a few days saying "Sorry I'm busy right now, but let's meet on Thursday at 6pm instead", they're interested.

The Brad Pitt rule is probably associated with PUA shit at this point, but I feel like it's an apt analogy.

 

[ZackieChan]

I genuinely do not understand how asking whether someone is interested in a second date is overinvestment, especially when they say they are and yet act differently. What would be the alternative? "Guys, she says she wants to see me again but she doesn't seem to respond to my texts/calls." The universal reaction by everyone here would be to simply ask her for clarification.

Others answered you here, but regarding this in particular - if you read the last handful of pages in this very thread, you'll probably see the same advice people are giving, given to a number of others. Yours is an extremely common scenario in this thread, or a variation of it. That's why we're so quick to dismiss your concerns and see through what you posted - it's old hat for us by now!

 

[Banjo-Kazooie]

You know, I'm at the end of the week away now and I gotta say I did a lot better not worrying about the things we talked about earlier in the week than I thought I would.

It helped that I've Been keeping my mind busy with gym sessions, work, and talking to a few other girls. Even set up a date for when I get back this weekend.

And the best part is I feel great. Not worrying is such a great feeling

 

[Quick]

Not sure if this is the appropriate thread, but it seems closest to what I want to ask.

Unprotected sex with someone during/immediately after their period. She was either at the latter part of her period or she had just gotten out of her cycle, but I found some dried blood on me after sex. She's clean (or so she said - she's a friend and I'm inclined to trust her), and it's been a couple of months since it happened, but I'm concerned about the possibility of serious STIs.

I booked an appointment to get tested next week, but where do I stand in terms of risks of anything serious?

I haven't seen any visible symptoms come up, but I seem to be within the window for HIV. Am I just freaking myself out too much?

 

[GhostWriter24]

So I had my second date with this girl last night who I haven't felt this strongly about in awhile. Stunning, smart, half-Spanish, dark eyes, black hair, ridiculous body. Like, Kate Upton but Hispanic/Mediterranean body. I took her to my favorite Italian place in LA and we ate like royalty. There were some leftovers, so I asked if it was cool that I just dropped by my place (wink) to throw it in the fridge before we go out for drinks. Well, not only did she accept but about 30 seconds after we sat on my couch and I turned the TV on, she was on top of me. About a minute later, she said "Who are we kidding, let's take this to the bedroom."

SO! Yadda yadda...it was a brilliant night, and she has been texting me throughout the day. She's from AZ, and is going back home this weekend and I sort of wanted to see her a little sooner, but I've been playing it as cool as I possibly can. I'm not really sure what to expect going forward -- possible that she's only looking for some guy to bang in her free time, but I actually like her and am holding fast to the hope that she likes me too. Thoughts GAF?

 

[Advocatus Diaboli]

Not sure if this is the appropriate thread, but it seems closest to what I want to ask.

Unprotected sex with someone during/immediately after their period. She was either at the latter part of her period or she had just gotten out of her cycle, but I found some dried blood on me after sex. She's clean (or so she said - she's a friend and I'm inclined to trust her), and it's been a couple of months since it happened, but I'm concerned about the possibility of serious STIs.

I booked an appointment to get tested next week, but where do I stand in terms of risks of anything serious?

I haven't seen any visible symptoms come up, but I seem to be within the window for HIV. Am I just freaking myself out too much?

Um. There's no correlation between menstruation and contracting STIs. Without symptoms, you're probably safe, but you won't know for sure until you get tested. Good on you for actually getting tested. (I did the same thing when I learned that my ex-girlfriend cheated on me. It's nerve-wracking until you actually get the results.)

So, basically, without symptoms (e.g., burning pee) you're at a super-low risk of having anything, but it's good to have a clean bill of health regardless, which ought to be standard when having a new partner.

So I had my second date with this girl last night who I haven't felt this strongly about in awhile. Stunning, smart, half-Spanish, dark eyes, black hair, ridiculous body. Like, Kate Upton but Hispanic/Mediterranean body. I took her to my favorite Italian place in LA and we ate like royalty. There were some leftovers, so I asked if it was cool that I just dropped by my place (wink) to throw it in the fridge before we go out for drinks. Well, not only did she accept but about 30 seconds after we sat on my couch and I turned the TV on, she was on top of me. About a minute later, she said "Who are we kidding, let's take this to the bedroom."

SO! Yadda yadda...it was a brilliant night, and she has been texting me throughout the day. She's from AZ, and is going back home this weekend and I sort of wanted to see her a little sooner, but I've been playing it as cool as I possibly can. I'm not really sure what to expect going forward -- possible that she's only looking for some guy to bang in her free time, but I actually like her and am holding fast to the hope that she likes me too. Thoughts GAF?

In short, and this advice goes for everyone in this thread, including me: enjoy the moment. If it progresses further, enjoy those moments too. Don't enjoy future moments until they happen.

 

[vern]

Not sure if this is the appropriate thread, but it seems closest to what I want to ask.

Unprotected sex with someone during/immediately after their period. She was either at the latter part of her period or she had just gotten out of her cycle, but I found some dried blood on me after sex. She's clean (or so she said - she's a friend and I'm inclined to trust her), and it's been a couple of months since it happened, but I'm concerned about the possibility of serious STIs.

I booked an appointment to get tested next week, but where do I stand in terms of risks of anything serious?

I haven't seen any visible symptoms come up, but I seem to be within the window for HIV. Am I just freaking myself out too much?

Probably freaking yourself out way too much but get tested for peace of mind. In the meantime you can't do anything about it so just relax.

Do you have any reason to suspect her of having HIV? She an IV drug user or something? I mean, I know you can never be sure about someone I guess unless you see their test results but most people don't have HIV or engage in extremely risky behavior.

If you haven't had symptoms of other things it doesn't mean you didn't catch anything, but the chances are pretty low. I for one don't anticipate any thread titled "well gaf, I have AIDS..."

Edit: neogaf's AD is too quick

 

[GhostWriter24]

In short, and this advice goes for everyone in this thread, including me: enjoy the moment. If it progresses further, enjoy those moments too. Don't enjoy future moments until they happen.

Very true, good perspective. Was a hell of a moment at that.

 

[Quick]

Um. There's no correlation between menstruation and contracting STIs. Without symptoms, you're probably safe, but you won't know for sure until you get tested. Good on you for actually getting tested. (I did the same thing when I learned that my ex-girlfriend cheated on me. It's nerve-wracking until you actually get the results.)

So, basically, without symptoms (e.g., burning pee) you're at a super-low risk of having anything, but it's good to have a clean bill of health regardless, which ought to be standard when having a new partner.

Not freaked out by menstruation itself, just the idea of blood and possible transfer of anything serious, disease-wise.

Probably freaking yourself out way too much but get tested for peace of mind. In the meantime you can't do anything about it so just relax.

Do you have any reason to suspect her of having HIV? She an IV drug user or something? I mean, I know you can never be sure about someone I guess unless you see their test results but most people don't have HIV or engage in extremely risky behavior.

If you haven't had symptoms of other things it doesn't mean you didn't catch anything, but the chances are pretty low. I for one don't anticipate any thread titled "well gaf, I have AIDS..."

Edit: neogaf's AD is too quick

I guess I'm really just freaking myself out. No, she's not a IV drug user or engage in anything risky.

As I mentioned, I think the idea of blood on me and possible diseases got me thinking.

The sex is a touchy situation with the both of us (we are currently not on speaking terms, may not ever see each other again), and I just don't want to add anything more to it, but I figured I'd get tested to be absolutely sure.

Thanks for setting my mind at ease, guys.