I think its time to try and end my scrounging and get a Job like every damm person; but I am having trouble knowing what field I should apply to. I think I suffer from depression because I make a meal of things in my head and close doors for myself; I have moments of clarity when I need to condemm most if not all my actions. The penalty from my assesment of my choices is death; but after waiting on myself to proceed for so long I think I am resigned to let it happen on its own, it'll be soon enough anyway with the way I carry myself.
Meanwhile, I need to be less of a burden on my family and at least pay for my own food housing and electricity. I have a marijuana habit which I think kills my jobsearch confidence more than anything. ALL my "friends" smoke and still manage to get solid work. I always believe all It'd take for me to be well off is keeping myself physically fit and get a "green star" from a psychiatric office. I went through hell in a highly ranked and academically crushing school far far away where I did not belong on a minority scholarship and I wasn't near good enough to be there; I graduated(barely), but believe I am still having what I can only call "PTSD."
Now on to the important stuff; I need a job, preferably from a place that does not drug test. My mindset was to try and stop smoking, but I never managed to pull that off, I simply let it make me too happy and I have very very little that do that. I become clingy and desparate when I stop as I cannot support loneliness, and bother people I should could only bother 5 years ago. I dont trust myself to remain sober and believe the only way to fight my addictions to weed and excedrin is through a substance abuse program at a proper clinic or hospital. I put a lot of effort into it and have trouble finding people who take me seriously at the hospital's end. After college; my face started changing color; dermatologist and Biopsy did not reveal anything; I think its down to stress; but common lore has it I tried to bleach my face, which hurts because I am as proud and happy to be black man as anything. I refused to appear in public or hang with friends until it was taken care of, but learned there is no cure, so I have to get myself out there anyway. I need to use make up if I am going out.
I do some IT consultancy with one of my mates and could probably find jobs in the field, but I have no proper IT skill besides having worked as a media tutor; going to get a certification or more school is a problem because the one I currently have(B.A. in French) would get me a job if it wasn't for me not being able to carry myself, that window may have passed. My job prospects are the "Workforce1" service in NY. I got a job translating french from them once and hoping for second time lucky. Is anyone else using workforce one or some kind of state unemployment scheme? What is the word on those. I have tons of contacts on linkdin; some of my friends are recruiters there and have sent me job offers, but too much garbage in my head; it is like PTSD, memories of that school are painful; I was always lost, always high, likely a Mr bean figure shuffling around stinking the place. I am not too scared to face people, just scared to face myself as I required better from me especially when I have made no improvements since. I did need to do better as I lost love and respect from all friends and family as a consequence.
Then I only have Indeed and Craigslist. I would also recomend teaching in china. I know at least 5 people who have done it and they seemed to all have benefited from it; considering it myself, but in my low fucked up state I am still sadly the head of my family and making every decision; almost all the money coming to the house goes through my hands even if I don't make any. I am making them extremely unhappy; my ability to entertain them is fading and I cannot bear the toughts of my parents and siblings slowly dying inside because of me. The only way to make them happy is to start working.
