Fox News, is that you?
Cheating on your SO
- Thread starter Kem0sabe
- Start date
- Status
Fox News, is that you?
Jason's Ultimatum
Member
I'm so attracted to this girl at my work, but she has a bf, who works at the same store, and I'm cool with him.
It's taking every moral fiber of my body if she ever came to me and wanted to "hang out."
It's taking every moral fiber of my body if she ever came to me and wanted to "hang out."
Omegasquash
Member
I like you.
And "natural" should be understood as "situational" in this context. There are animals that do mate for life, and animals that don't. Pretty sure the former outnumbers the latter, but the truth still holds.
CrudeDiatribe
Member
Cheat? or merely multiple sex partners? The latter doesn't imply the former unless everyone is in a monogamous relationship (which the bonobos aren't, and early humans probably weren't, either).
Just to be a pedant, bonobos aren't monkeys and don't fling their shit.
While I don't think comparisons to our closest living non-human relatives are entirely misplaced, using it as justification for cheating is bullshit. All the bonobos know what's what, your cuckolded partner does not.
Have an open relationship or a series of short relationships, or whatever you want, but be honest about it. Build your relationships on trust and communication (and hot sex), whether open or closed, whether long or short.
tl;dr, don't be a jerk.
Beer Monkey
Member
It's not surprising, because women in stable relationships are even more attracted to dominant men while ovulating than single women are.
bengraven
Member
Fucking hate a cheater, I do.
Have a best friend who's addicted to sex. He's been with nearly 100 women in the last 10 years. Oh sure, in this age of easy hooking up that's not a big deal...but he's also been in three "strong" relationships in that same time frame, including an 8 year marriage.
Met his wife when he stole her from his cousin one night. Met his next girlfriend by cheating on his wife. Met his latest girlfriend by cheating on his last girlfriend. Now he swears she's the one. We'll see.
I'm also convinced my wife cheated on me at one point, but the only proof I have is a delusional psychopath, so I can't 100% prove it and so I just try and forget/forgive.
Have a best friend who's addicted to sex. He's been with nearly 100 women in the last 10 years. Oh sure, in this age of easy hooking up that's not a big deal...but he's also been in three "strong" relationships in that same time frame, including an 8 year marriage.
Met his wife when he stole her from his cousin one night. Met his next girlfriend by cheating on his wife. Met his latest girlfriend by cheating on his last girlfriend. Now he swears she's the one. We'll see.
I'm also convinced my wife cheated on me at one point, but the only proof I have is a delusional psychopath, so I can't 100% prove it and so I just try and forget/forgive.
TheContact
Member
So break up. I hate selfish people like you.
Dunno if i could continue with that in the back of my mind, without bringing it up with her. Doubt and insecurity towards your partner is at the top of my list of thing´s that screw up a relationship.
I will offend you, you are a selfish prick.
dreamcastmaster
Banned
I'm almost 40, had two long relationships and married for a decade along with a few girlfriends. Along with what stories I've been told 1st hand and what are "controversial" opinions from many sources. I stand by my assessment.
Now if you've got something to add rather than a put down and dismissive responses I'd love to read your reasoning.
Omegasquash
Member
Do you have any feelings on how your actions impact others, primarily those you're with, running around on, or running around with?
Pricks tend to stick with pricks.
Because they still owe you money?
Kuro Madoushi
Unconfirmed Member
Nailed some Three years isn't so bad when in one situation a woman left her man temporarily, nailed some other dude to have his kid and then went back to her husband to claim it was his.
Oh...then things didn't work out again so she was gonna divorce and take the kids too. So they compromised and they all lived in the same house. Yes. ALL including wife's lover.
Oh...then things didn't work out again so she was gonna divorce and take the kids too. So they compromised and they all lived in the same house. Yes. ALL including wife's lover.
Life breaks down into 1 kind of people.
Those that see things in black and white when it's convenient for them to do so.
First of all my view is it isn't necessarily one or the other, but both can arise naturally. However, you're talking bonobos and not chimpanzees. Behaviourally they are different.
bengraven
Member
Did bring it up when it happened about a year ago. She was terrified I was going to leave her and I almost did. She swears she didn't do it. I think the fear that gave her was enough of a punishment were she to have actually cheated on me. I'm always thinking that if she didn't I owe her something. I don't know.
There was a girl who she was friends with, but had met through her brother. The girl was madly insanely in love with her brother and began stalking him. She would send me messages asking what the brother-in-law was doing right now. Funny thing is, they only "dated" for three months and my bil says that they had an agreement that "this wasn't a relationship...we both just like to fuck".
So finally the bil is about to get married and the stalker goes insane on my wife in a Facebook message, talking about how horrible her entire family was, especially the brother. Then at one point says "and you think you love Ben, but then why was I covering up your cheating on him?". I bring this up to my wife, who swears she didn't do it and that this girl is a fucking psychopath, which we all agree on. She wanted to ruin all our lives to punish us for her one time lover getting married. But to me, even if you're a psychopath, why make up a weird lie like that to tell her when by all rights I shouldn't have seen that mesage in the first place? I mean, texting me and saying 'your wife cheated on you" is one thing, but to try and ruin our marriage by saying 'you cheated" in an email to the cheater isn't exactly a good way to hurt a marriage.
So I don't know and at this point I don't exactly care. I can't know if it's true or not, there's no way either way and I love my wife and she loves me, so I just...try and move on.
dreamcastmaster
Banned
I don't cheat. Just because I can understand why some people do does not mean I am engaged in that activity or condone it.
Conciliator
Banned
Interesting stuff, not surprising when you consider that getting a stable 'beta' male(sorry) to secretly help you raise the offspring of an 'alpha' male(sorry again) who will have sex with you but won't pair bond with you is the ultimate genetic victory for a female. Conversely, it's the ultimate genetic failure for the male(you're spending resources ensuring the survival of offspring that is not yours), so it makes sense that sexual jealousy would be intense.*
*Standard evolutionary pscyhology disclaimer: This is not an implication of what I think is right or wrong or how people should or should not behave, and is never an indication of what motivates an individual, who is unique.
Nope.
I don't know you but I bet you would like some of them.
And maybe even I am an okay guy? Don't have to generalize my personality over this.
If you think a monogamous relationship is unnatural to you, why don't you have an open relationship?
Omegasquash
Member
Open mouth/insert foot on the assumption, so mea culpa. Understanding why people have feelings or want to cheat, and understanding or sympathizing with those people that DO it is another thing.
At the end of the day if you make a commitment you stick with it or not. If you know that you can't or don't want to stick with it, then you should have the appropriately sized genitalia to end it before breaking the commitment. It's pretty straight forward, though the details and feelings muck it up.
I understand why people do it, yeah. Feels good, man. Still doesn't make it OK to pull the rug out from someone.
Man, almost 40 years and you still don't know why we have monogamous relationships? People love to throw around evolution to say 'Monogamous relationships don't make sense from an evolutionary stand-point!' but that's such a simple interpretation of a very complex system that has brought us to this point.
Joel Was Right
Member
I sometimes wonder about that as well but then again I'm too young to have an opinion on it either way. If I had to guess however I would say infidelity is more common now than it was 50+ years ago
it's not, but at least you admit it's an ignorant guess.
Omegasquash
Member
I would doubt that. People are just as much people now as they were then, and it was WAY easier to get away with it back in the day than now. Cell phone bills and internet are a wonderful tool, and families with two working spouses are far more common. Basically, you CAN leave if you find out the SO is running around.
CrudeDiatribe
Member
Chimps? Did you think I was referring to them by 'closest living non-human relative'? Both bonobos and chimps are equally far from us on the phylogenetic tree (IIRC).
metroid: they know you and have an emotional tie to you. We don't, so we can make relatively objective judgements based on that fact. Plus we don't have to worry selfishly about breaking established ties or how it might affect us or offend our friendship, because we don't have one.
Unless you're really helping this woman skate on air, giving her the time of her life, the fact remains that you lied, and the question remains how wuld she feel about you if she knew the truth. Being an "ok guy" isn't really enough, because the world is full of oK guys. She thinks you're more than just an OK guy, she thinks you're a faithful partner who would always protect her and care about her feelings, and that is not necessarily true.
humans can't conceptualize the true consequences of the cheating beyond the abstract, but they can fully imagine the rewards of the present situation that presents itself (sometimes literally) when the opportunity to cheat arises. They can imagine that sweet sweet pleasure sensation, but the hurt and pain and guilt, they only have a vague inkling of, and that's only if they get caught. It's probably something in the mind, evolutionary or something. Plus they obviously have that voice telling them to do it, and unless they have previous conditioning against it, the countering thoughts may not even be present.
Unless you're really helping this woman skate on air, giving her the time of her life, the fact remains that you lied, and the question remains how wuld she feel about you if she knew the truth. Being an "ok guy" isn't really enough, because the world is full of oK guys. She thinks you're more than just an OK guy, she thinks you're a faithful partner who would always protect her and care about her feelings, and that is not necessarily true.
humans can't conceptualize the true consequences of the cheating beyond the abstract, but they can fully imagine the rewards of the present situation that presents itself (sometimes literally) when the opportunity to cheat arises. They can imagine that sweet sweet pleasure sensation, but the hurt and pain and guilt, they only have a vague inkling of, and that's only if they get caught. It's probably something in the mind, evolutionary or something. Plus they obviously have that voice telling them to do it, and unless they have previous conditioning against it, the countering thoughts may not even be present.
dreamcastmaster
Banned
It appears you don't have anything to back up your stance. Just disagree with my opinion refer to some "complex system" and sign off.
I'm outta here!
Joel Was Right
Member
This made me laugh
It took you two years of cheating and the girl moving to another city for you to "realize" was right for you? Pft...
May I ask why?
I just don't want to play my whole hand at the beginning. You're blindly using the excuse of 'Nature' for cheating without any reason, it's the same as that guy saying we should be like bonobos cause they fuck a lot.
Society benefits from monogamous relationships, plain and simple.
This.
The fact that people seem to accept if more is atrocious. Hell, you get morons on GAF defending it and supporting it.
yes that's correct.
TheContact
Member
A lot of things could prompt a wife to cheat
1) simply she's a whore and like to have sex with other people
2) mid-life crisis -- having kids and wanting to feel youthful again
3) not having a strong sexual or emotional connection with current partner, so they find it with someone else
4) not having sex with enough people in your life, feel like you missed something
5) getting drunk and making a mistake
1) simply she's a whore and like to have sex with other people
2) mid-life crisis -- having kids and wanting to feel youthful again
3) not having a strong sexual or emotional connection with current partner, so they find it with someone else
4) not having sex with enough people in your life, feel like you missed something
5) getting drunk and making a mistake
The Elite
BOSS
I get that monogamy can be a struggle for humans at times but people need to have the decency to end the relationship with their current mate if they want to explore their sexuality with others. Seems like the obvious thing to do.
Joel Was Right
Member
The reason I would guess it is simply based on one factor, the only one that I can attest to, and that is the marriage rates have been on a downward spiral for many decades now. That isn't to imply, of course, that being married made infidelity an impossibility - of course it still happened. But I think the social stigma related to 'improper relations' with the opposite gender played a greater role in previous generations than it did now. So whilst the inclination to cheat is as old as the inclination to have sex, I would guess the cultural environment changing to be more liberal in its interpretation of love, divorce and sexuality would lessen the repercussions.
I realized it way earlier. At some point it was just the sex which was really good. Effectively it hasn't been two years since either she or I have been away somewhere.
BTW she knew that I had a girlfriend all the time.
i don't think a person is right for you if you have to seek elsewhere for sex. you might as well just be best friends.. my ex wasn't right for me (dated for 2.5 years) and i still would have never thought about having sex with someone else. i can't imagine how unfulfilled i'd have to be to do something like that.
those probably go both ways, for men and women. As they should. I think everyone can cheat. But how people make up for it is something else I consider. Do they change? Was it a life changing choice? Just a little mistake? Something they hide or admit to? Do they suddenly cherish their partner many times more because of it, or value them less?
I guess this is where you and I differ. No matter how good the sex could be, my relationship is a commitment. If I want sex/a relationship outside of my current one, it means I want out of my current relationship.
I'm assuming you don't feel a bit of guilt over what you did? Honest question.
Joel Was Right
Member
Because you think breaking up with your girlfriend, who in hindsight after your affair you began to realise was perfect for you, would have been worse than cheating on her; you're actually validating your relationship based on the results of that affair suggesting that you're now more committed than before. It's almost as if you have to compare your girlfriend to others to determine her worth to you.
Zeouterlimits
Member
For me it's ultimately a question of respect. Respect whoever you're with and either
a) break up with them in advance
b) tell them immediately if it has already happened
a) break up with them in advance
b) tell them immediately if it has already happened
Omegasquash
Member
I'd attribute the divorce rates going up to the sexual revolution, not so much the sexy culture that we're living in. I know the OP is about a woman cheating, but divorces can also happen because couples realize that they don't like each other anymore, and they don't NEED each other anymore (i.e. the housewife needing the husband). As such, I don't think it's a question of liberal interpretations as it is necessity. Many parents raise their children together and then end the marriage because they feel like they're done their job biologically, and then it's off to think about what they want. Others get hitched early and come to an understanding that it was a mistake. Just a few examples, but hopefully they provide some more context.
- Status