So things drastically changed with the girl I've been dating. After she told me that she went out on a date the night before we went out last Saturday, I got a bit more brazen. She asked me to go out this week which I accepted. Last Wednesday my ex-wife was pretty flirtatious when I dropped my girls off, and we've been open with each other and I said what the hell, I'll tell her about this. Her attitude changed pretty quick. Told me that it bothered her. At this point I'm saying in my mind, you told me you were out with another guy the night before we went out last Saturday.... why would this bother her? I mean seriously... there is a double standard here. She's allowed to openly date, but I need to sit in a corner? Anyways, I kind of explained that to her and pretty much out of nowhere she said I just want to date you. So we went out for Sushi and drink last night and things went really well. She said she doesn't want games, but I'm stuck in my mind saying wtf?
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Dating Age |OT$6| Just ask her out already
- Thread starter gaiages
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I don't understand how your ex-wife's reaction drastically changes something with a completely different girl...?
I think he means he mentioned his ex-wife's flirting to the girl he's dating, in response to the girl telling him she went on a date with someone else.
Why would it bother her? Your ex is someone you had sexed, loved, and had kids with. She's far more significant in your life than some random guy is in hers. Regardless of circumstances, would you like to hear from a girl that her ex-husband is trying to get back with her? No one would.
ZackieChan
Member
Oh, I thought the ex wife wants to date him
I get that. Backstory is this. Date 1, great, spent the night with her. During this part she said a few things about not being relationship material, openly talked about dating other guys, etc. I'm not 17, it didn't really bother me. Date 2, great, spent the night with her, really really had a good time out with her, but in the middle of it she talks about going out with a guy the night before. My mindset is that she wants to date, but she's not exclusive. Two days prior to date 3, I mention my ex was "flirtatious". All of a sudden she's willing to talk about NOT dating other people (never during that time did I go out with someone else). Seriously don't think I did something wrong with that.... why did I mention the ex? To force something? Possibly ;-)
chicko1983
Member
So after getting a fake number a couple of weeks ago, I finally got one that works, haha.
Heading out tonight, might try and get another number. Though we are going to a football match and it will be a dozen dudes together.
Heading out tonight, might try and get another number. Though we are going to a football match and it will be a dozen dudes together.
War Peaceman
You're a big guy.
For me, it was about $40. That shit hurts man lol.
I strictly do coffee or beer dates on the first meet. I had one bad experience at an up scale Italian place, and won't repeat that mistake.
In other news, it's been kind of a lonely day. Took my dog to the park to walk him some, the dog park to play, and then I went to the coffee shop to read comics and caffeinate some. Was kinda lonely when there were a lot or couples at each place. Oh well
In other news, it's been kind of a lonely day. Took my dog to the park to walk him some, the dog park to play, and then I went to the coffee shop to read comics and caffeinate some. Was kinda lonely when there were a lot or couples at each place. Oh well
This lessons was learned like 10 years ago right? Throwback Thursday post?
ZackieChan
Member
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
stn
Member
Maybe its just me being cynical, but do you want to seriously date someone who makes decisions based on ego and mind games? You've successfully pulled the "I-have-other-options-and-not-just-you" trick. But is that a good thing?
On a general note, props to some of you here for dishing out so much for a first date. I always just do coffee (mostly because I love coffee and don't care to drink much). I wouldn't even do the $30Italianmeal.gif for a first date (you guys know which pic I'm talking about...).
She doesn't have any red flags really. We've been really open with each other, it's not like she was hiding the fact that she was going out on dates with others. Her explanation the other night was that we needed more dates to figure out where we are with each other. I think she is hesitant to open up on feelings probably based on previous relationships, but I'm cool to see where this goes. I had a marriage that was based on non-communication and games and am pretty sure I know when to bail.
Clay Davis
Member
Hello again, dating gaf. How's everyone doing?
I have a question, it's actually more of a confirmation of what I think it is, but I wanted to get thoughts from more experienced minds.
What do you think of someone who says they want to meet but they want to get you know first but whenever you bring up the idea of meeting (after a couple of weeks of messaging), they change the subject, don't respond for hours and when they do respond they ignore that message or they keep kicking the can down the road.
I don't want to say she is a time-waster but it feels dishonest in a way doesn't it? To give the impression you might want to meet but any time it's brought up they change the subject. Even the suggestion of a skype call falls flat.
I have a question, it's actually more of a confirmation of what I think it is, but I wanted to get thoughts from more experienced minds.
What do you think of someone who says they want to meet but they want to get you know first but whenever you bring up the idea of meeting (after a couple of weeks of messaging), they change the subject, don't respond for hours and when they do respond they ignore that message or they keep kicking the can down the road.
I don't want to say she is a time-waster but it feels dishonest in a way doesn't it? To give the impression you might want to meet but any time it's brought up they change the subject. Even the suggestion of a skype call falls flat.
"Getting to know you" is exactly what the first date is about!
Potential dishonesty aside, dragging out the first meet for weeks is a straight up waste of time. There's no good excuse for it. You'll learn more about chemistry and each other in 1 hour of talking in person than in 1 month of texting.
Clay Davis
Member
This is my thinking too. I don't mind messaging but there has to be substance and we have to be working towards something. There is substance but it feels like we aren't working towards anything. Any time I suggest we should meet, it's ignored or she'll say she's not ready and when I suggested a Skype call, she said she doesn't have an account, ignoring the fact that it takes a minute to set one up and is free to do so too.
Do you think it would it be terrible if I decided to cut things off or said that I don't feel it's going anywhere?
Not at all, because it isn't going anywhere. If you've been talking for four weeks, Neogaf's Zackiechan would say you should've ended things three weeks ago.
Clay Davis
Member
Thank you for the replies and feedback.
I'll reply to the message she sent this morning, bring up meeting one more time and if it fails to result in a meeting over the course of the next week, I will tell her things aren't working out.
I know about the perils of over-messaging very well and yet I fall into the trap every time. I am trying to be less invested in messaging/matching the other person's efforts until we meet and we both know there's something there, but my efforts haven't been as fruitful as I would like.
Thank you again.
Again I think it goes back to your situation. I talked back and fourth with the girl I'm dating for about 5 weeks before we had our first date. Between work, my two girls and some previous plans I had set I wasn't going to cancel anything. The good part is that we had a great first date, chemistry was there and we both were able to relax because we knew a little about each other. But she did explicitly tell me you almost entered the "friend zone". Just make sure you let her know in a nice way you're not looking for a text buddy.
I would advise against saying either of those things.
Liquid_015
Gold Member
What does it really mean when a female (having been going out with her numerous times for the past 3-4 months) states that she wants to get to know me better, and that she doesn't know what she wants right now? (This is after I told her how I felt about her).
What does numerous times mean? If I'm dating someone and not in a relationship with them after 3-4 months then I'm moving on. If a woman states to me she doesn't know what she wants, and it conflicts with what I want then I'm moving towards someone who wants the same thing. But if she doesn't know you by that time? I'm guessing you haven't vested enough time with her.
Liquid_015
Gold Member
Numerous meaning for the past few months since we met, we've been hanging out almost every weekend and the occasional weekday. The said activities would include: chill drinks, movies, dinners, shopping, and etc...
Reave
Member
Well, I think what you have in parenthesis is the key -- or rather, what you specifically said to her when you expressed those feelings. Care to elaborate?
You've vested time then.... However you communicated to her your feelings either didn't match up with how she is feeling, or scared her (just a guess). Just use good judgement.
Liquid_015
Gold Member
To be more specific (sorry): just simply said that i really enjoy our time together, I really like you, and would like to be more than friends. In addition, I just told her that it was really hard for me to say it and that I rarely ever disclose feelings to someone (not in those exact words).
Probably scared her, but hey, if not now then when? Regardless, we have a few things planned this week, so I suppose it's still good.
CreepingFear
Member
I go to a place like Chipotle or In N Out on first date. If she doesn't like it, then she is not for me and too high maintenance. Warning sign right there.
I guess that's just weird to me, but I'm older and my dating life moves a little quicker. Have you kissed her? Did you have a romantic interest from the get go? If 3-4 months have passed, and you see her multiple times per week, and haven't made a move then I'm guessing you entered the friend zone long ago.
Liquid_015
Gold Member
Weird? Could you elaborate if possible. I haven't kissed her, but over time I suppose my own feelings developed. To be exact, I try to plan things over the weekends so it's not every weekend I see her but close to it. Though I reckon, if she wasn't interested she wouldn't have said yes to so many things, and would have fucked me off a long time ago. ;(
Not weird, bad word choice. Different. If I'm chasing someone and spending that much time with them, then I'm making a move earlier. I'm just guessing she's interested because of how much time she's spent with you, but wondering in her mind why you haven't made a move. It's usually the phrase "I'm in love with you" and not "I really like you" that changes the scope of where things are going for me.
Pasta_Soup
Member
You said you've been "going out" for the past few months, but "going out" generally implies spending time together with romantic intentions. If you've yet to even kiss her after seeing her so many times, she most definitely simply viewed you as a friend.
I'm guessing when you shared how you felt about her, this kind of freaked her out a bit, as she assumed you were just being her friend with no romantic intentions.
She's probably a lost cause at this point, though if you can truly put aside your romantic feelings for her, maybe you could maintain the friendship. If you can't just be her friend without secretly hoping for something more, cut her out from your life.
In the future, remember that actions speak much louder than words. Go for the hand hold, the kiss, etc. ASAP if you're looking to create a romantic connection. And do this within the first couple of dates. Telling someone your feelings rarely goes over well until you've become physical and been seeing each other for a while - and that it's apparent to both people that there's definitive romantic interest present.
Liquid_015
Gold Member
Good points raised. I suppose it's my fault as well since I tried to take it slow and didn't want to rush into things. I suppose I'll have to see how it goes at this rate... Still don't get what else she wants to know about me after all this time though.
My guess is that you wouldn't be cool with just being friends. If I were you, I'd do something extremely casual, make sure you're both having a really good time, and work your way into a situation where you can lean in and kiss her. I don't necessarily see things being a total lost cause, but if she doesn't lean in then at least you know where you stand. If anything use this as a learning opportunity, if you're romantically interested in someone I don't think you're doing either person any good by playing things like you did.
So list night my date didn't go how I expected as all, and I think we're both settling on friendship which I'm cool with because i don't think I'm into her like that and I think she views me the same way.
She talked a ton about herself, which is cool, I don't mind listening but I was bored nearly the entire time. Then she brought up her extensive dating history since I last saw her, at this point I've decided that I'm not interested in her as anything more than a friend. And that I think she hit me up just to talk to someone.
I picked her up at her place, ate dinner, and then we went back to her place to talk. We talked about bad dates, life, and our future and shit. Basically just friend talk, which I'm ok with. All in all, not a bad night.
3-4 months and you haven't made a move? You fucked up worse than me mang. I say next time you see her you say fuck it and go for a kiss. Forget telling her how you feel at this point and just show her. At least she's still seeing you and hasn't flaked yet, so you still have a chance to show her you want more than friendship. If she turns you down, then whatever. Luck favors the bold, friend!
She talked a ton about herself, which is cool, I don't mind listening but I was bored nearly the entire time. Then she brought up her extensive dating history since I last saw her, at this point I've decided that I'm not interested in her as anything more than a friend. And that I think she hit me up just to talk to someone.
I picked her up at her place, ate dinner, and then we went back to her place to talk. We talked about bad dates, life, and our future and shit. Basically just friend talk, which I'm ok with. All in all, not a bad night.
3-4 months and you haven't made a move? You fucked up worse than me mang. I say next time you see her you say fuck it and go for a kiss. Forget telling her how you feel at this point and just show her. At least she's still seeing you and hasn't flaked yet, so you still have a chance to show her you want more than friendship. If she turns you down, then whatever. Luck favors the bold, friend!
Reave
Member
Well, I think part of her issue might stem from the fact that the two of you haven't checked off some of the important boxes that typically pave way for mutual feelings to develop. Intimacy, in particular, should have been on the table after 2-3 dates, tops. Without it, it can be far too easy to get lumped into friend-zone territory.
So, when she says she wants to know more about you, it's not about your background, your preferences in music, your family, or anything like that. She really means that she hasn't seen anything that tells her you could be more than a friend.
After realizing this sort of thing, this would normally be the point where many guys would decide to try dialing things up a notch by going in for the kiss, or something bold like that when they see the girl next. But in your case, I actually advise that you don't do that right away. It would look like a desperation move to force things along at this point. Instead, I think you should move more methodically.
Right now, things probably feel a bit awkward for her after what you said, so I'd try lightening things up by using some interest-driven humor about it. Say things like "it's not my fault you're so damn cute/awesome" with a playful laugh, or anything to downplay all of the heavy feeling-vomit you threw her off with. The key isn't to backpedal completely, because then you'd just look insecure and willing to settle for a friendship. Rather, the key is to tweak the narrative. I'd give more specifics, but you obviously know her better than we do. Just remember that you have to do your best to keep your interest known, but keep it from feeling ultra serious after what you dropped on her.
Lastly, you should also start making peace with the fact that you may never get to that point. I hope your window of opportunity didn't close shut on your hands here, but I'll be honest and say that it's seldom that guys in your situation can save face. So, regardless of how this goes, try to take something valuable out of this experience by learning how to take better steps towards trying for affection when you're interested in someone. Feelings should never come before affection, man.
Clay Davis
Member
I asked her while we were messaging if she wanted to meet next week and she went quiet again mid conversation, so I've taken that to mean she has nor ever had intention to meet and was only interested in messaging someone to vent her frustrations to.
I drafted a message stating that I don't believe there's any point in continuing to message as we're seeking different things, but I decided to delete it and just not engage her again until she's more honest about her intentions. I don't feel like I should ignore my own wishes or desires and wait to see what she decides. We've had ample time to make plans, every single time she's ignored the suggestion and there's only so much effort I'm willing to put into a one sided "relationship".
It's not a terrible thing to put my own feelings first is it? To think about myself before others? I feel conflicted but I'm determined to be more "selfish" and not just keep bending over backwards for others.
ZackieChan
Member
Always rush into things. There's literally no advantage to this slow play nonsense. She doesn't like you as more than a friend. Accept it and be her friend, or move on.
Damn right. I try to set up a date ASAP.
Like someone else said, maybe it's because I'm older, but if I don't kiss you by date 2, I'm out or I just accept friendship only. Nbd.
You should not feel conflicted about this. You should not waste time and energy on people who do not respect you or your time, especially not people you've never met.
Gotdatmoney
Member
Son. Who gies a fuck about her intentions or her feelings? Delete her number. Block it. Move on. All this shit is actually just annoying. This girl doesnt wanna be your SO. Dont waste your time.
Yeah time to move on. If you've had good conversations it's as easy to say I'd like to get to know you better, I can only really do that by meeting you. So let's meet here for whatever. No response? Move on dude. The girl I'm dating basically said in her mind, you're wasting my time because you won't ask me out (when in reality she hadn't gained some priority in my life to cancel or make time for her). We just kinda kept talking and when things got calm, I asked her out. She basically told me you nearly fucked up. Lesson learned.
But here's my experience with girls that want to be asked out and you don't. They STOP talking to you. You've asked her out, she has not given you a response. That really tells me she is talking to another guy at this point and using you as a fallback. Force the issue, lets meet up here. No response? Just move on.
ZackieChan
Member
Try this exercise:
Compare the number of paragraphs you've written on GAF about this person to the number of dates you've been on with them. If the former is larger, you need to move on.
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