You internalize it as a lesson for the future rather than regret over something you cannot change. Ok, so you screwed up before, accept it, learn from it, and don't repeat the same mistakes, and certain don't get caught in a loop of overthinking where your anxiety will sabotage your chances with the next girl.
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Dating Age |OT$6| Just ask her out already
- Thread starter gaiages
- Start date
- Status
Megalosaro
Banned
Been thinking about that whole korean girl thing. I think, even if i hadn't pissed her friend off, I wouldn't have taken her up on it.
I'm not in the right state of mind.
I haven't had a girlfriend since high school and even those were fleeting. If I were to enter a relationship, it's because I feel it's expected of me. There is of course pressure from my parents, but others too.
But I just can't bring myself to subject someone to being around me. I don't deserve any relationships whether they're intimate or friendly. I don't have anything to offer a woman that they wouldn't be able to do better else where. My job is okay but not the highest paying (though better than alot). I'm not particularly interesting. I'm decent looking, but that's fleeting.
I'd feel sorry for anyone who would be with me, and then confused like they were pitying me or something. I'd end up driving them away because I'd feel they could do better.
I've tried the self improvement thing before: It hasn't helped. The black hole just got deeper.
Better job: Do training and network to get a better job. I got that job. I hate it and I hate how little time I have now.
Improve looks: I lost 125 lbs. Now I'm in a perpetual state of terror where I'm afraid to eat, and it's had some pretty bad physiological effects as well. i eat literally the same shit every day cause I'm afraid to do otherwise
I'm not in the right state of mind.
I haven't had a girlfriend since high school and even those were fleeting. If I were to enter a relationship, it's because I feel it's expected of me. There is of course pressure from my parents, but others too.
But I just can't bring myself to subject someone to being around me. I don't deserve any relationships whether they're intimate or friendly. I don't have anything to offer a woman that they wouldn't be able to do better else where. My job is okay but not the highest paying (though better than alot). I'm not particularly interesting. I'm decent looking, but that's fleeting.
I'd feel sorry for anyone who would be with me, and then confused like they were pitying me or something. I'd end up driving them away because I'd feel they could do better.
I've tried the self improvement thing before: It hasn't helped. The black hole just got deeper.
Better job: Do training and network to get a better job. I got that job. I hate it and I hate how little time I have now.
Improve looks: I lost 125 lbs. Now I'm in a perpetual state of terror where I'm afraid to eat, and it's had some pretty bad physiological effects as well. i eat literally the same shit every day cause I'm afraid to do otherwise
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1257426&highlight=mental+health
That's the thread you need, not this one. This goes beyond dating-gaf's purview.
ZackieChan
Member
My snarky replies will only damage him further. Luckily for everyone, the post count of the last thread embarrassed me into posting less. It looked like one of those comparisons of US military spending with the rest of the world.
I have never posted here before but I want to share something.
I just went on a date with my best friend. We had dinner and everything was fine but I'm thinking that I made I mistake because I didn't went for a hug.. When I dropped her off I was in my car driving and she was in the passenger seat. I told her "thanks for going out with me, I had a really good time" and she said "Me too and thanks for the dinner" and I was going to hug her but for some reason I freaked out and didn't even move. See, she is my best friend and I have hugged her countless of time before. Did I fucked up or am I overthinking?
I just went on a date with my best friend. We had dinner and everything was fine but I'm thinking that I made I mistake because I didn't went for a hug.. When I dropped her off I was in my car driving and she was in the passenger seat. I told her "thanks for going out with me, I had a really good time" and she said "Me too and thanks for the dinner" and I was going to hug her but for some reason I freaked out and didn't even move. See, she is my best friend and I have hugged her countless of time before. Did I fucked up or am I overthinking?
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
Were you actually on a date?
ZackieChan
Member
ZackieChan
Member
But you didn't even want to be with her...
My date set for tonight had to reschedule. She gave me the heads up a few days ago that might happen but she wants to get together still, just need to find another day. We're at least texting more to make up for it, I think. So that's good.
Hopefully going out tonight and drinking with friends won't end up with a flurry of drunk texts her way...
Hopefully going out tonight and drinking with friends won't end up with a flurry of drunk texts her way...
Gotdatmoney
Member
Yall didn't believe that right?
ZackieChan
Member
Don't do either of these things. You kids and your texting. Takes all the strategic non-attentiveness out of the relationship.
Seriously, don't text her when you're drunk. Leave your phone at home or something.
After posting about feeling beat up and not feeling anything from talking to women, I've gotten better.
Over the weeks, I've put muscle on, grown my hair out so that I can get a new style tomorrow, started working more to get more money and going out and enjoying myself with people I never bothered with before. I'm sure this mindset will not last long, but I'm going to enjoy it while it is here.
I'm also starting to understand the types of girls that are attracted to me. It's usually the girls that are interested in art. I'm pretty well versed with art, and due to my general knowledge of the subjects, I end up with some girl that is interested in me and what I can do.
There's this girl that's in my photography class who I've been observing and she's constantly peeking over at me. We locked eyes a couple of times from across the table while not saying anything to each other the other day.
I'm not really capable of providing anything worthwhile to dating right now, so I'm swaying from anything that may evolve into a relationship.
Over the weeks, I've put muscle on, grown my hair out so that I can get a new style tomorrow, started working more to get more money and going out and enjoying myself with people I never bothered with before. I'm sure this mindset will not last long, but I'm going to enjoy it while it is here.
I'm also starting to understand the types of girls that are attracted to me. It's usually the girls that are interested in art. I'm pretty well versed with art, and due to my general knowledge of the subjects, I end up with some girl that is interested in me and what I can do.
There's this girl that's in my photography class who I've been observing and she's constantly peeking over at me. We locked eyes a couple of times from across the table while not saying anything to each other the other day.
I'm not really capable of providing anything worthwhile to dating right now, so I'm swaying from anything that may evolve into a relationship.
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
The girl I've been seeing exclusively for about a month or so now (can't even pinpoint when, exactly) came over today to take care of me, since I was feeling under the weather and because it's the last chance we'd have to see each other before my trip to China and South Korea this Monday.
There's nothing wrong with her: she's smart, attractive, and successful. We get along. I'm mostly attracted to her. We have similar interests. And yet, I have the sinking feeling that I won't be the best version of myself if I'm with her, which is such a stupid concept that I know I'm starting to overthink things. (I know that I'm engaging in some ex- comparisons, which aren't ever healthy, but it's more "this is how I felt" rather than "this is the last girl compared to her." And it's odd that she's way more into me than I am into her. Right?)
I'm really hoping that the vacation will bring some clarity.
There's nothing wrong with her: she's smart, attractive, and successful. We get along. I'm mostly attracted to her. We have similar interests. And yet, I have the sinking feeling that I won't be the best version of myself if I'm with her, which is such a stupid concept that I know I'm starting to overthink things. (I know that I'm engaging in some ex- comparisons, which aren't ever healthy, but it's more "this is how I felt" rather than "this is the last girl compared to her." And it's odd that she's way more into me than I am into her. Right?)
I'm really hoping that the vacation will bring some clarity.
I don't know about all that, but get tantan installed ASAP. I know you'll be busy but you should have time to swipe while in China.
Some openers fo get you started:
你好！ 你超级可爱啊！
你很美丽. 我很喜欢！加微信好不好？
约吗？
你很美丽. 我很喜欢！加微信好不好？
约吗？
Going to Yantai or something right?
ZackieChan
Member
ProTip: don't do anything Vern says, except download TanTan
Explain this part.
It almost sounds like you prefer being the pursuer and not the pursued...that way you're more motivated to "improve" yourself in hopes of evening the scales or something. With this girl, you don't feel the need to lost as much weight or learn Portuguese...
(Now if you just feel like she'd never push you or challenge you to fulfill more of your potential, yeah, it's an issue)
Fuck, GAF. Had sex with my "GF" for the first last night, it was a final test for me. I know sex is something you need to work on, and it get's better over time, but it didn't do it at all for me. Doubts have been ripping me apart for some time now. Compatibility seems to be off, I'm not in love at all and sexually, she can't really turn me on that much... It's not like she doesn't know what she's doing, on the contrary... It's cool and nice and all, but not enough to make me all horny or randy.
I dread the tought of having to go through the break-up conversation, it scares the living shit out of me. I know she's in love with me, and she's such a great girl, but I just don't feel like going through with this. I have an irrational fear of hurting girls because of an over-developed sense of responsibility for other people. Typing this is already tearing me up inside. Any pointers dating-GAF could give me. Any help would be appreciated. In b4 grow a pair, etc...
EDIT: another question. I'm pushing 30 and many people tell me that falling in love is something that disappears while getting older. What's GAF take on this?
I dread the tought of having to go through the break-up conversation, it scares the living shit out of me. I know she's in love with me, and she's such a great girl, but I just don't feel like going through with this. I have an irrational fear of hurting girls because of an over-developed sense of responsibility for other people. Typing this is already tearing me up inside. Any pointers dating-GAF could give me. Any help would be appreciated. In b4 grow a pair, etc...
EDIT: another question. I'm pushing 30 and many people tell me that falling in love is something that disappears while getting older. What's GAF take on this?
Liquid-San
Member
My two cents are to break up with her. How long have you been with her? You claim she's in love, but you aren't so I take it that it's been months or something? At any rate, when going through this, I like to gauge scenarios and place myself in the other person's shoes.
Think about it: Romantic relationships exist because two people are looking for love in each other. If you don't have that, then what's the point? Also, ask yourself the following:
1) What's worse? Breaking up with someone or staying with someone you don't love?
AND
2) Think about her feelings as well. How do you think she'd feel knowing that she can't make you fall in love with her? I'd rather someone break up with me than pretend to love me.
EDIT: To answer your "love as you get older question", I'm turning 22, (and in love with my GF), so I probably won't be of much use. From what I've seen firsthand, I'd say that love comes at any age. I know people who have gotten married in their 30's and are still together now. I think you see the world in a different perspective at your age and since you're no longer as naïve, you'll know when you've found the one. It sure as hell beats "falling in love" when younger, spending all that time together, just to realize 4 or 5 years down the line that you guys are no longer compatible, or weren't compatible to begin with, but the affiliated parties still forced the relationship.
It's been over a month. At first I missed her and wanted to be with her. That feeling decreased the more I saw her. Now I'm kind of apathetic about the hole thing...
I've considered the 2 points you made plenty of times (with other girls as well) and it's been a giant hurdle in the past. It's something I've been working on for the past year and a half. This seems to be yet another test for me.
We've talked about my doubt plenty of times, she listens and she gets my point of view. However, she refuses to believe these might impact our relationship negatively while I'm convinced these are hurdles that can't be written off easily.
I had what I guess was my first blind date earlier today. My friend introduced us. Cool girl, spent some time in Australia and even has an accent, and seems to be doing a lot of cool things with her time. We seem different in a lot of ways, so I dunno. Anyway, it was fun.
I updated my Tinder profile recently and I'm getting a *lot* more matches (I got 4 notifications during the date). I guess it's because I'm pretty clear as to what I'm looking for now (my previous bio was pretty sparse).
I updated my Tinder profile recently and I'm getting a *lot* more matches (I got 4 notifications during the date). I guess it's because I'm pretty clear as to what I'm looking for now (my previous bio was pretty sparse).
Liquid-San
Member
I see. While I do agree that doubting a relationship can be bothersome, (especially in the first few months of dating), your case seems interesting. The reason why I say this is because of your state of mind at the moment; you seem to already think that there's no point in the relationship. May I ask as to why you've given up before trying, so to speak? If this has occurred in the past before, I recommend being single for a while. You need to get to the root cause of why you keep losing that initial spark with multiple women, after just some time of dating.
Casting doubt always hinders the relationship as well, and speaking from personal experience, if it's happening in the first few months of dating, this is a huge issue and shouldn't be sidestepped like she wants.
I can summarise by quoting a previous post in this thread from some time ago:
Liquid-San
Member
Is this girl in question the one you're with now? And is there a gap in age? The way I'm seeing it is that there's a gap in maturity and overall, worth of value in relationship. She doesn't seem to get what being a girlfriend really means.
Sorry if I'm coming off as condescending, not my intent.
Not to worry! Did not came across that way.
Yes, it's the same girl. She's 24, I'm 28.
Liquid-San
Member
I've had insecurities, (still do), and it doesn't help that you both suffer from them in the relationship sense. From your own admission as to the type of person you are, you like to have fun when you go out, but she's dragging you down. This is one of those things where you're either forced to sacrifice your partying in lieu of spending more time together with her in a more relaxed environment, or you break it off. To me, it seems like the latter should take place.
There are just too many red flags in just a little over a month:
1) Sense of value in a relationship: She wouldn't stand beside you in the bar or actually attempt to have fun with you, (even just faking it would've been cool if it weren't her type of scene).
2) Insecurities: She probably doubts herself, her looks, etc. and she needs affirmation in some way to prove to her how amazing she is. I can't see how you can give this to her considering you're not even that emotionally invested in the relationship.
3) Incompatibility: You guys don't seem to be on the same wavelength with hobbies. You mentioned similarities in music, but if you guys don't have the same definition of a good time, I can't picture future dates panning out all that well.
You find her insecure, devoid of personality, she's holding you back when going out, and she doesn't turn you on when having sex. Why are you still with her, exactly? You know what to do, man.
So kind of an odd second date. Instead of opting for getting takeout and watching Netflix at her place, I suggested that I pick her up and we make decisions from there. She said several times, it's out of the way, don't worry about it, etc. I kind of insisted because I really did want to make the decision of what we were going to do together, and of course I'm trying to setup a scenario where she would invite me back up after we had dinner. Once I get to her apartment, I opted to play it cool and not shove my tongue down her throat and sat quietly on her couch while she got ready.
We decided to go to OTR, which is one of the more "hip" areas of Cincinnati and had a really good time, walked the strip several times, had drinks at a wine bar, and had a late dinner at a really good restaurant. Conversation was fantastic, I think I was able to keep her laughing and entertained with some stories from the past. But around this time she casually drops that she had a date Friday night which threw me off a bit. We're not exclusive, but I admit that it knocked my mindset off a bit..... I'm not sure why pretty much feel like it was a natural reaction.
We got back to her place and she invited me up and I spent the night. But after we had sex, she said that she was really disappointed that I didn't kiss her immediately when I met her at the apartment earlier that night. That began more questions in my mind of crap, I messed up.... I was trying not to be a distraction while she was finishing getting ready, lesson learned. We also had some playful discussion about me wanting to pick her up to get the invite back up and that she wanted the same thing but then I was wondering why she was playing hard to get earlier in the day.
Anyways, I do think I want a relationship but I'm not completely neurotic about the dating other people thing.... I just had the oh no feeling when she dropped that and my enthusiasm went down a bit. Part of the dating game.
We decided to go to OTR, which is one of the more "hip" areas of Cincinnati and had a really good time, walked the strip several times, had drinks at a wine bar, and had a late dinner at a really good restaurant. Conversation was fantastic, I think I was able to keep her laughing and entertained with some stories from the past. But around this time she casually drops that she had a date Friday night which threw me off a bit. We're not exclusive, but I admit that it knocked my mindset off a bit..... I'm not sure why pretty much feel like it was a natural reaction.
We got back to her place and she invited me up and I spent the night. But after we had sex, she said that she was really disappointed that I didn't kiss her immediately when I met her at the apartment earlier that night. That began more questions in my mind of crap, I messed up.... I was trying not to be a distraction while she was finishing getting ready, lesson learned. We also had some playful discussion about me wanting to pick her up to get the invite back up and that she wanted the same thing but then I was wondering why she was playing hard to get earlier in the day.
Anyways, I do think I want a relationship but I'm not completely neurotic about the dating other people thing.... I just had the oh no feeling when she dropped that and my enthusiasm went down a bit. Part of the dating game.
Lone_Prodigy
Member
Even when it's expected, it can still hurt. It's normal: you spent time together and enjoyed each other's company, and now you won't do that anymore.
And yes, you probably did start having feelings for her, but that's life. Sometimes we can't help who we're attracted to.
Take some time to yourself; you'll eventually move on.
Guess deep down he wanted to be after all
Truthfully my thoughts on her were like a roller-coaster.
I enjoyed spending time with her, but I wasn't entirely sure I found her attractive. That said I probably was developing feelings for her, even if that sounds almost contradictory in nature. I also don't think it helps matters that she was my first time.
Going forward I'm still not sure what I truly want just yet, and this has really been put forward. I still want to "play the field" due to my lack of experience, but at the same time I do want something more meaningful. It's a headache.
Will the Thrill
Banned
So I started back up with college two Wednesdays ago (Community so no dorms and I commute), and kind of suddenly started talking with a girl in my last class, she actually came up to me and initiated stuff. Anyway we've gone on a "date" and well I don't know if I'm really feeling it. We're gonna go out again for lunch after class this upcoming Wednesday so I'll see after it if I still don't really feel like being more than friends. But I suppose I"ll probably and should bring it up during that.
I really only bring this up here cause I've never been in the position of maybe having to tell someone I'm not interested in them..... when I sit across from them in class at our table. Like being friends would actually still be cool, but I'm just worried I'm gonna make her feel like shit, especially in a class we've both said we really like. Like should I just have maybe tried to not let her go as fast with stuff? She was the one who also suggested going out and me being all "Gone on like 7 dates my whole life, 5 this past summer" I didn't stop to think too much.
Idk lately I've just been thinking about how I went on a decent amount of dates this past summer and now this, but I'm still not really feeling much with most people.
I really only bring this up here cause I've never been in the position of maybe having to tell someone I'm not interested in them..... when I sit across from them in class at our table. Like being friends would actually still be cool, but I'm just worried I'm gonna make her feel like shit, especially in a class we've both said we really like. Like should I just have maybe tried to not let her go as fast with stuff? She was the one who also suggested going out and me being all "Gone on like 7 dates my whole life, 5 this past summer" I didn't stop to think too much.
Idk lately I've just been thinking about how I went on a decent amount of dates this past summer and now this, but I'm still not really feeling much with most people.
(Well, with someone other than the one that is leaving the country to study abroad this semester lol ugh that was just my luck)
Jep. Absolutely right. She came over last night and we started watching Mr. Robot season 2. She just couldn't keep her hands of me. I could stand her head laying on my lap, but she was subtely rubbing my hand, belly or arm CONSTANTLY. Not a single minute went by without her fingers lightly rubbing across my skin. Jesus fuck. Apart from being way too clingy it distracted me from watching the series and pissed me the fuck off. It's since that moment that I've realized I've been forcing myself again.
It's just weird, other dudes would kill for this girl. Well, too bad. She'll get over it.
If you like a girl those are things you would enjoy her doing, I know I would. It's not being too clingy, it's being touchy.
Messofanego
Banned
Denzar, cut it off. You're only a month in. Should be relatively easy. Get with a girl you properly like, cause for this girl right now she's mighty unrequited and it's kind of unfair.
Yeah I agree there,definitely not clingy lol.. I just assume that's his general annoyance with her showing through.
electricshake
Member
This. I love touching my bf and having him touch me, it's very comforting. Even after almost 2 years together we still hold hands all the time etc.
I never took that love languages test but I assume physical touch is way up there for me.
Yeah, that's probably what it is. She asked me how I am today through whatsapp. I told her that I feel like I can't breathe easily. She asks why, and I tell her that I've been forcing myself. Reactions were not positive and quite bitchy actually. I won't lie, even through whatsapp. I see her tomorrow and I'll end it then. Poor girl. She doesn't deserve this.
I feel like such a cunt.Advocatus Diaboli
Member
It's what's in parentheses. I'll ponder this the entire time I'm in China, maybe, but the best analogy I can come up with is this. Ever see Sliders? I feel like everything is really nice but there's just something off that I can't explain, like the Cubs winning the World Series in 2016.
ZackieChan
Member
That seems like a weird idea. Did she suggest that?
I have no idea what's wrong with me but I just can't.
Watching together is kind of odd.
Im chatting with an actress now and kind of just watching her webseries here and there. To sit and watch with her? #awkward
PumpkinPie
Banned
I've been single for a few months and have met up with a few people from various online dating sites. For the first time I met someone who I actually liked, and who wanted to meet again. That's what she said, but she didn't text again. It's always the way.
Is it wrong to date a woman with 3 kids with the intention of never being their father figure? Even if she says she's ok with it? It it wrong to make her your girlfriend with the intention of never marrying her? I mean my feelings could change over time, but that's my mind set right now.
Hello Dating Age, I mostly lurk nowadays and follow the thread, but I could use some advice, and venting anonymously probably doesn't hurt. This might come out of the blue, but any input would be much appreciated.
After six years, and probably fifty dates I finally found someone who'se company I enjoy. We have a lot of things in common. We work out together, we have interesting discussions, we both like the same books, she's probably the most empathic person I've ever met, she's smart, she's incredibly sweet and caring. She gets my humor (doesn't always laugh at it, but hey, who does?) and I'm fairly comfortable around her.
The thing is, I'm a mess. I used to have pretty bad anxiety, but got through it. I overanalyze a lot of stuff. Used to be worse, but I still do it. I don't REALLY enjoy talking to a lot of people, nowadays I don't really mind company, but there's only a few people whose company I enjoy, who I feel a spark with. And what really bothers me is that I tend to get tired really quickly. A normal day of work and I'm done, until I get a big meal. And until then the overanalyzing gets way, way worse. After sex? Same thing.
And this is bothering me. I can't stop thinking about how I should feel about the girl I'm seeing. In the years I've been single I always thought that when I found 'the one' all this would end. The girl I'm seeing and I, we don't really have great back and forth. There's some, but not as much as I'd like. Perhaps it's because I'm so tired and moody but I don't know. I've met other girls who I've had a different sort of spark with, and had major crushes on (one who is bisexual and is engaged to another woman; a coworker of mine, Morrocan Muslim which complicates/impossiblises the matter; a long time friend who married her high school sweet heart two weeks ago), and I kind of miss the witty banter.
Now the difficult part: perhaps I've idealized the perfect relationship. This girl is really awesome but...I'm not feeling it. I never REALLY fell in love. Which really sucks to admit. She's SUCH a great person. But when I think of her I just...there's not a lot. And when I think of the other three women, even though I've never been in a relationship with them, I immediately smile.
But here's the thing, wouldn't the witty banter die out with them as well over time? Is it unfair to compare her with women I've known for five and eight years? Wouldn't I worry and overanalyze with them as well? When I manage to shut up the worrying voices in my head I can enjoy her company more, but I still miss the banter that I love.
Kind of a long post, and kind of out of the blue, but typing it out helped.
After six years, and probably fifty dates I finally found someone who'se company I enjoy. We have a lot of things in common. We work out together, we have interesting discussions, we both like the same books, she's probably the most empathic person I've ever met, she's smart, she's incredibly sweet and caring. She gets my humor (doesn't always laugh at it, but hey, who does?) and I'm fairly comfortable around her.
The thing is, I'm a mess. I used to have pretty bad anxiety, but got through it. I overanalyze a lot of stuff. Used to be worse, but I still do it. I don't REALLY enjoy talking to a lot of people, nowadays I don't really mind company, but there's only a few people whose company I enjoy, who I feel a spark with. And what really bothers me is that I tend to get tired really quickly. A normal day of work and I'm done, until I get a big meal. And until then the overanalyzing gets way, way worse. After sex? Same thing.
And this is bothering me. I can't stop thinking about how I should feel about the girl I'm seeing. In the years I've been single I always thought that when I found 'the one' all this would end. The girl I'm seeing and I, we don't really have great back and forth. There's some, but not as much as I'd like. Perhaps it's because I'm so tired and moody but I don't know. I've met other girls who I've had a different sort of spark with, and had major crushes on (one who is bisexual and is engaged to another woman; a coworker of mine, Morrocan Muslim which complicates/impossiblises the matter; a long time friend who married her high school sweet heart two weeks ago), and I kind of miss the witty banter.
Now the difficult part: perhaps I've idealized the perfect relationship. This girl is really awesome but...I'm not feeling it. I never REALLY fell in love. Which really sucks to admit. She's SUCH a great person. But when I think of her I just...there's not a lot. And when I think of the other three women, even though I've never been in a relationship with them, I immediately smile.
But here's the thing, wouldn't the witty banter die out with them as well over time? Is it unfair to compare her with women I've known for five and eight years? Wouldn't I worry and overanalyze with them as well? When I manage to shut up the worrying voices in my head I can enjoy her company more, but I still miss the banter that I love.
Kind of a long post, and kind of out of the blue, but typing it out helped.
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