Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy

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Minamu said:
I really need to re-write my story. Already taken girls are all over me, and one in particular, and it's getting both ridiculous and dangerous :S I've been getting both romantic and sexual vibes from someone I shouldn't recently. I kinda like it, which is even worse. Too bad single girls don't act this way.
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You can write that taken girls either break up with their boyfriends for you, or they hook you up with their hot single friends
 
Etrian Oddity said:
What the fuck did you do to get into so much debt? Did you just get the most fucked up financial aid in collegiate history or something? Every time you mention your debt you make it sound like Sudanese slaves have more to their name than you.
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No, basically I got a credit card when I was 18 and used it very foolishly over the subsequent years, and the bank kept raising the credit limit on it without asking (I believe this practice is now banned). So I ended up with £13,100 of credit card debt and £1,750 of overdraft debt.

At the end of January this year, I called my bank to try and get a personal loan to consolidate those debts (doubtless people will say that I should've shopped around, but as you'll see, that wouldn't have worked). I was on the phone with them for an hour and 18 minutes, it was a gruelling experience. As expected, they asked me a bunch of questions about my income and outgoings, which since they were my bank, they were able to verify themselves by looking at transactions on my accounts. I told them the loan was to consolidate the credit card and overdraft debts, and so they plugged all the information into their crappy computer system, which said that they should charge me a 22% interest rate (a lot shittier than I expected, given their website says 10% - but still lower than what the rate was on my credit card) but that I could only afford repayments of £157 a month!

It was at this point that the fact that it was my bank came in handy. I told the bloke on the phone that he could see just by looking that that was wrong, because I was already paying £300 a month on the credit card and £31 on overdraft fees. Eventually I persuaded him to actually talk to the underwriters, instead of relying on the computer, and apparently they then had to get a senior underwriter involved, but at the end of it I came out with a loan for the full amount, repayable over a term of 84 months. They did insist on some conditions though. One was that they would pay off the credit card themselves straight away and then close the account (which I had expected) and the other was that my overdraft would be reduced to £50 (which I hadn't expected, but there wasn't much choice for me except to accept it). My credit card is now gone and my bank account is in the black for the first time in years (and remains so every month, although it does go down to near zero each time). There is also a student loan, but because I am below the earnings limit, I can just keep deferring that each year.

Net result: I will be effectively debt-free in 7 years' time. But I don't really want to wait 7 years to start dating; I'll be 40 by that time, and it seems like at that age I'd be even more "past it" than I am now.

As for the moving situation, that's because my current rental contract was a joint tenancy contract which ends at the end of May, and my housemates want to move out, so I have no option but to move out as well (otherwise I'd be liable for the whole rent on this house, which would be more than my monthly salary), so any money that is "spare" at the moment is going to have to go towards paying deposits and fees and stuff related to that.

However the situation should stabilise once I am in a new place since I should eventually get back the deposit from my current place which will balance it back out again.
 
krrrt said:
This is where your problem lies. Self-limiting beliefs and all that jazz. Being unattractive is impossible when you have all those qualities you describe. Girls aren't nearly as hung up on looks as guys are and the fact that you sound like a fun, social person to be around is probably enough for a lot of girls. It's mostly about the way you make a girl feel.

Being unattractive physically is probably as much of a roadblock as being small or something. As long as you take care of yourself and don't look like you care it barely matters.

I'm about 1m70 myself (that's 5 foot 6 I think?), average looking and weigh about 130lbs, although I used to weigh a lot less (110lbs maybe) and still my girlfriend is one of the smartest and prettiest girls I know. This is because I don't care about my height or weight or looks, which in turn makes her not care. Of course now she likes the way I look, but that's because she likes me because I'm funny and a good conversationalist. Not the other way around. (And these are the things that kept her invested even when I was a hardcore drug addict, because they're things she likes about me that are a lot more 'me' than just the way I look.)
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Those are definitely good points. I don't know then.

I mean, if you pretend not to care, then I'm not sure how that could change someone's successes or failures in romantic relationships. It is probably self-limiting to think of an aspect of yourself negatively, but is it that bad if it's true? It's a roadblock, but it's a real roadblock.
 
soultron said:
Probably because they've got theirs and are more friendly because of this. They're not constantly on guard because even if you're hitting on them, they've got a BF already. Just my guess.

It's like how guys often get all this attention when they're already dating someone. It's because they don't reek of desperation. :P
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With a little work I can probably get the one I'm interested in right now, it just goes against my ethics/values.

I don't reek of desperation :p
 
Not sure this the right thread for this.

My girlfriend of three years told me yesterday she no longer loves me, and I've moved out back to my mums.

I am in so much pain.

:(
 
Opus Angelorum said:
Not sure this the right thread for this.

My girlfriend of three years told me yesterday she no longer loves me, and I've moved out back to my mums.

I am in so much pain.

:(
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On the one hand she's out of the picture, but on the other hand you now have the option to explore the massive world of other women. Try to stay positive, use this as a chance to get things in your life accomplished that you couldn't before, and once you're ready feel free to find new women to spend time with. You're a worthwhile dude.
 
vincent vega said:
anyone try those lambskin condoms?
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Wikipedia:

Condoms made from sheep intestines, labeled "lambskin", are also available. Although they are generally effective as a contraceptive by blocking sperm, they have been clinically shown to be less effective than latex in preventing the transmission of agents that cause STDs, because of pores in the material.[35] Lambskin provides a more natural sensation and are less allergenic than latex, but because of their lesser protection against infection, other hypoallergenic materials such as polyurethane are recommended for latex-allergic users and/or partners. Lambskin condoms are also significantly more expensive than other types.
 
Opus Angelorum said:
Not sure this the right thread for this.

My girlfriend of three years told me yesterday she no longer loves me, and I've moved out back to my mums.

I am in so much pain.

:(
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Very sorry to hear this. Give yourself some time to mourn, it's only natural. Afterwards, surround yourself with friends and try your best to stay busy. Hopefully you have some people you can talk to about your emotions/thoughts regarding the situation, it's never good to bottle them up in times like these. If not, we're here for you. Best wishes and don't hesitate to PM me if you need to get some thoughts out. You'll make it!
 
EviLore said:
Wikipedia:

Condoms made from sheep intestines, labeled "lambskin", are also available. Although they are generally effective as a contraceptive by blocking sperm, they have been clinically shown to be less effective than latex in preventing the transmission of agents that cause STDs, because of pores in the material.[35] Lambskin provides a more natural sensation and are less allergenic than latex, but because of their lesser protection against infection, other hypoallergenic materials such as polyurethane are recommended for latex-allergic users and/or partners. Lambskin condoms are also significantly more expensive than other types.
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have you ever tried them? I just want to know if they feel significantly different than latex. my gf doesn't have anything so the std thing isn't a concern.
 
vincent vega said:
have you ever tried them? I just want to know if they feel significantly different than latex. my gf doesn't have anything so the std thing isn't a concern.
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Nope, haven't used them. If you're not concerned about STDs, then maybe look into alternate contraception options since condoms aren't very fun in general.
 
Danj said:
No, basically I got a credit card when I was 18 and used it very foolishly over the subsequent years, and the bank kept raising the credit limit on it without asking (I believe this practice is now banned). So I ended up with £13,100 of credit card debt and £1,750 of overdraft debt.

At the end of January this year, I called my bank to try and get a personal loan to consolidate those debts (doubtless people will say that I should've shopped around, but as you'll see, that wouldn't have worked). I was on the phone with them for an hour and 18 minutes, it was a gruelling experience. As expected, they asked me a bunch of questions about my income and outgoings, which since they were my bank, they were able to verify themselves by looking at transactions on my accounts. I told them the loan was to consolidate the credit card and overdraft debts, and so they plugged all the information into their crappy computer system, which said that they should charge me a 22% interest rate (a lot shittier than I expected, given their website says 10% - but still lower than what the rate was on my credit card) but that I could only afford repayments of £157 a month!

It was at this point that the fact that it was my bank came in handy. I told the bloke on the phone that he could see just by looking that that was wrong, because I was already paying £300 a month on the credit card and £31 on overdraft fees. Eventually I persuaded him to actually talk to the underwriters, instead of relying on the computer, and apparently they then had to get a senior underwriter involved, but at the end of it I came out with a loan for the full amount, repayable over a term of 84 months. They did insist on some conditions though. One was that they would pay off the credit card themselves straight away and then close the account (which I had expected) and the other was that my overdraft would be reduced to £50 (which I hadn't expected, but there wasn't much choice for me except to accept it). My credit card is now gone and my bank account is in the black for the first time in years (and remains so every month, although it does go down to near zero each time). There is also a student loan, but because I am below the earnings limit, I can just keep deferring that each year.

Net result: I will be effectively debt-free in 7 years' time. But I don't really want to wait 7 years to start dating; I'll be 40 by that time, and it seems like at that age I'd be even more "past it" than I am now.

As for the moving situation, that's because my current rental contract was a joint tenancy contract which ends at the end of May, and my housemates want to move out, so I have no option but to move out as well (otherwise I'd be liable for the whole rent on this house, which would be more than my monthly salary), so any money that is "spare" at the moment is going to have to go towards paying deposits and fees and stuff related to that.

However the situation should stabilise once I am in a new place since I should eventually get back the deposit from my current place which will balance it back out again.
Click to expand...

Ever thought of trying to get a new job and/or asking for a raise?
 
Izick said:
Those are definitely good points. I don't know then.

I mean, if you pretend not to care, then I'm not sure how that could change someone's successes or failures in romantic relationships. It is probably self-limiting to think of an aspect of yourself negatively, but is it that bad if it's true? It's a roadblock, but it's a real roadblock.
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I'm not sure I get what you mean. So what if it's true? Because one aspect of you is less than ideal doesn't mean other parts of you aren't attractive traits, right? Don't expect yourself to be perfect, no one is. Focus on the things that you do like about yourself. Chances are, they are exactly what girls and other people in general will like about you.

Also don't just pretend not to care, learn to really not care. As I said, I'm fairly short, but I honestly do not care, and consequently nobody around me does. Sure, it's something people notice when they first meet me, but so are the color of my eyes and hair. It's not something I can change so why give it a second thought. Occupy yourself with the things you can change.
 
luckyboyceo said:
Very sorry to hear this. Give yourself some time to mourn, it's only natural. Afterwards, surround yourself with friends and try your best to stay busy. Hopefully you have some people you can talk to about your emotions/thoughts regarding the situation, it's never good to bottle them up in times like these. If not, we're here for you. Best wishes and don't hesitate to PM me if you need to get some thoughts out. You'll make it!
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Thanks.

This is my first love so I understand the feelings I am having are irrational.

It helps to talk about it, especially with people who have an objective opinion.

I <3 GAF
 
Klyka said:
Ugh, I told myself I wouldn't let it become like this but I'm getting really impatient about seeing her again.
Grrr, I hate the dating game XD
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So... you gonna let her stick something up your butt?

Opus Angelorum said:
Thanks.

This is my first love so I understand the feelings I am having are irrational.

It helps to talk about it, especially with people who have an objective opinion.

I <3 GAF
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That's the hardest to overcome.

Simply try not to overthink about it, it sucks but pretty much everyone has gone through that and recovered.
 
krrrt said:
I'm not sure I get what you mean. So what if it's true? Because one aspect of you is less than ideal doesn't mean other parts of you aren't attractive traits, right? Don't expect yourself to be perfect, no one is. Focus on the things that you do like about yourself. Chances are, they are exactly what girls and other people in general will like about you.

Also don't just pretend not to care, learn to really not care. As I said, I'm fairly short, but I honestly do not care, and consequently nobody around me does. Sure, it's something people notice when they first meet me, but so are the color of my eyes and hair. It's not something I can change so why give it a second thought. Occupy yourself with the things you can change.
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I suppose so, but physical attractiveness is usually what draws you to another person, or them to you. It's why you go up to someone, you're romantically interested in at first, and talk to them when at a bar, club, party, whatever. It's like if you had some food that looked disgusting, but it tasted really good. Sure, if you're familiar with it, and you know what it tastes like, you'll venture to eat it, but most people won'y want to even think about eating it due to it's appearance.
 
Izick said:
I suppose so, but physical attractiveness is usually what draws you to another person, or them to you. It's why you go up to someone, you're romantically interested in at first, and talk to them when at a bar, club, party, whatever. It's like if you had some food that looked disgusting, but it tasted really good. Sure, if you're familiar with it, and you know what it tastes like, you'll venture to eat it, but most people won'y want to even think about eating it due to it's appearance.
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Physical attraction for women is a lot more about how you carry yourself than about the way you look. If you dress well, take care of yourself (but that should be a given) the thing that is going to differentiate you from the rest is the confidence you radiate.

Trust me, your looks aren't nearly as important as you think they are.

And as a man, you should be the one approaching, thus making your food analogy irrelevant. Girls who would be rude enough to turn down talking to a fun, interesting guy for a few minutes because of the way he looks (provided he's not disgustingly filthy or something) are pretty rare.
 
How do you guys tell the difference between drunken attraction and actual attraction that comes out when someone is drunk?

There is a girl that I see in passing all the time and we typically just exchange the typical acknowledgement of existence (head nods or heys). Last night I ended up on her hall (college) with some of my friends and she was really drunk, which apparently doesn't happen much for her, and when she saw me she ran up and hugged me, then tried to drag me off to a party. Her friends and I concluded that she was too drunk to go out, so we tricked her into staying in the hall, and we ended up talking a bit, but she was pretty far gone. From what I know of her from other people and the little I know of her, she would be a really ideal girl for me personality wise, so I'm definitely interested. I'm just not sure if that was her being drunkenly attracted to me or actual interest.
 
krrrt said:
Physical attraction for women is a lot more about how you carry yourself than about the way you look. If you dress well, take care of yourself (but that should be a given) the thing that is going to differentiate you from the rest is the confidence you radiate.

Trust me, your looks aren't nearly as important as you think they are.

And as a man, you should be the one approaching, thus making your food analogy irrelevant. Girls who would be rude enough to turn down talking to a fun, interesting guy for a few minutes because of the way he looks (provided he's not disgustingly filthy or something) are pretty rare.
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I'm not saying they'd turn down talking to an interesting guy for a few minutes, no matter the looks, but it's likely they will feint interest, and are already made up in their as to whether anything could develop with him.

I just don't see how you all brush off looks so easily. Personally, I always see attractive people with other attractive people, and same with unattractive. This just is how it is, and how it always has been. You get to thinking, sure you're fit and interesting, but I'm sure they can find someone who is fit, interesting, and good looking, so what's the point?
 
To stay on the roadblocks topic, your ethnic background is way harder to overcome than looks. At this point looks are the last of my worries and to be honest, you shouldn't be ashamed or afraid of what you look like, it really hardly ever matters.
 
thestopsign said:
How do you guys tell the difference between drunken attraction and actual attraction that comes out when someone is drunk?

There is a girl that I see in passing all the time and we typically just exchange the typical acknowledgement of existence (head nods or heys). Last night I ended up on her hall (college) with some of my friends and she was really drunk, which apparently doesn't happen much for her, and when she saw me she ran up and hugged me, then tried to drag me off to a party. Her friends and I concluded that she was too drunk to go out, so we tricked her into staying in the hall, and we ended up talking a bit, but she was pretty far gone. From what I know of her from other people and the little I know of her, she would be a really ideal girl for me personality wise, so I'm definitely interested. I'm just not sure if that was her being drunkenly attracted to me or actual interest.
Click to expand...

That depends a lot from person to person so only you can judge, and chances are, you're going to see it as actual attraction no matter what.

Next time you met her, simply tell her you had lots of fun, and go from there.
 
Opus Angelorum said:
Thanks.

I have to fill my time, sitting around just leads to paranoia.

I'm going to look for a house, re-join the gym and get back into some former interests.
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You also have to realize, there's probably over a hundred people living near you who would be equally or more compatible, and now you have a shot at meeting them. Do not rush the dating game, wait until you think you are back to normal, but keep in mind no matter how good she was, it's not the end of the world.

You can look at it from a pessimistic point of view, or either tell yourself she wasn't really that good. And if she really was that good, what's keeping you from meeting someone equally good?

Well. Not really looking for help with this, but my friend is going for a perfect week. Worse so is I know he's capable. Dammit. Ah, well.
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Why do you say that as something bad?
 
The Anti-Monitor said:
That depends a lot from person to person so only you can judge, and chances are, you're going to see it as actual attraction no matter what.

Next time you met her, simply tell her you had lots of fun, and go from there.
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Yea I see her around a lot because we are in the same dorm (different floors though), so hopefully I can make something work.
 
The Anti-Monitor said:
You also have to realize, there's probably over a hundred people living near you who would be equally or more compatible, and now you have a shot at meeting them. Do not rush the dating game, wait until you think you are back to normal, but keep in mind no matter how good she was, it's not the end of the world.

You can look at it from a pessimistic point of view, or either tell yourself she wasn't really that good. And if she really was that good, what's keeping you from meeting someone equally good?
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I'm starting to see the possibilities, even today I was looking at girls with hope and questions.
 
Darren870 said:
Ever thought of trying to get a new job and/or asking for a raise?
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Well, I can't get a raise at the moment because the place I work at is on a pay freeze at the moment due to the credit crunch (because of the way education funding works, things like that hit us the hardest a year or two later than when the actual thing is happening). I have considered getting a new job, but what with just having taken out this massive loan I think job security is more important right now rather than having lots of money. A lot of the jobs that seem to be around now are like 6 month or 1 year contracts, and that's no use to me at all - I can't see the point with my current situation in taking a job that has an expiration date, because then there's just going to be the stress of looking for another job at the end of it.
 
soultron said:
Probably because they've got theirs and are more friendly because of this. They're not constantly on guard because even if you're hitting on them, they've got a BF already. Just my guess.

It's like how guys often get all this attention when they're already dating someone. It's because they don't reek of desperation. :P
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I tell single guys to talk to women like you have a girlfriend. You come off as very relaxed. When you're nervous you're going to make mistakes. Desperate mistakes.
 
Izick said:
I'm not saying they'd turn down talking to an interesting guy for a few minutes, no matter the looks, but it's likely they will feint interest, and are already made up in their as to whether anything could develop with him.

I just don't see how you all brush off looks so easily. Personally, I always see attractive people with other attractive people, and same with unattractive. This just is how it is, and how it always has been. You get to thinking, sure you're fit and interesting, but I'm sure they can find someone who is fit, interesting, and good looking, so what's the point?
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I've read some of your posts. If you don't mind me asking, what are you down on yourself physically about?
 
SeanR1221 said:
I tell single guys to talk to women like you have a girlfriend. You come off as very relaxed. When you're nervous you're going to make mistakes. Desperate mistakes.
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And stupid babble talk too lol...

I had girls talk to me like that sometimes.. it's so funny..
 
Have any of you guys had experience dealing with a girl who is hard to read? Do you just ask her out on a date to find out if she's really interested or what?
 
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