Charmicarmicat
Banned
Wow, Google Translate actually did a pretty decent job of translating this for me haha.
Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy
- Thread starter soultron
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Wow, Google Translate actually did a pretty decent job of translating this for me haha.
Yeah, pretty much.
The problem I have is the approach/initiating.
I don't go out enough (believe me, I want to), and even when I do I have no idea how to approach girls. In the odd few times a girl has looked over giving what I can only assume are signals, I just freeze.
Maybe I need a wingman? It just bugs me not being able to approach anyone... :/
I honestly don't even care too much about getting a girl right now since I want to sort out my life first, but I want to at least make some steps.
Struggling there alongside you. And yeah, online dating, ugh indeed. That pretty much is a perfect analogy to a job hunt, the process is exactly the same and just as impersonal and unfeeling as a real job hunt. I've definitely soured on it after sending hundreds of messages and never getting any replies. It doesn't help that, in regards to OKC, it seems everyone in my area is badly overweight and of course, those that aren't are no doubt inundated with messages they probably never even reply to any.
For my part, I sure as hell am not expecting girls to jump in my arms or even say straight up that they like me. Still it'd be nice to get a feeling that, this person enjoys your company and talking to you in particular. Previous experience shows that hasn't been the case since most conversations either die immediately or are picked up by other guys with superior conversational skills, and of course, the ladies go their way. Perhaps even trying to hope for that is too much. Although, in the past when I've not given a damn about anything or anyone and just didn't care, that didn't help me either.nHDR said:
I'd love a wingman. Never had one before, but I can't imagine it being unhelpful given how things have gone just being alone.
Going out alone sucks, in my case I've gone to bars and just sat there, not knowing what to do other than sip my tiny drink and look around. Usually the people around me are in groups or in the middle of conversations (or just deep into their iPhones) and I don't know what to do. Sometimes I'll make small talk with some regulars I see, but after a few back and forths "how was your week" and such, the conversation ends and things just go on. It's infuriating that I am unable to discuss the things I enjoy and am passionate about because I know no one likes to talk about videogames and the like in most public social situations.
Thanks for that. Therapy is kind of a win-lose, because though it's nice to talk to someone, it is so damn expensive. She's kind enough to lower her rate, but it is still a lot of money and my POS health care plan doesn't cover it. I've had to reduce sessions to avoid paying too much. As for my job, well, it's going to end in a few months. Granted, I have the luxury of that advance notice so that's one way to look at it, but it still sucks.
Domino Theory
Crystal Dynamics
This is pretty much why I don't see this thread as helpful as it's made out to be. Everyone giving advice is either on their 5th relationship or gets laid every other night. That may help the more confident individual who shows up hoping to get into a second relationship or seal the deal with a girl they're so close to getting, but it doesn't help a guy like me where the thought of approaching a girl just to say "cool book, huh" at a bookstore is terrifying in and of itself (heavy social anxiety).
"There's plenty of fish in the sea" isn't helpful when it took me years to even set up a fishing rod and probably another decade before I grow a pair and throw the hook & bait into the sea.
BoobPhysics101
Banned
It should be obvious that the process goes both ways, but I'm detailing the process from the guy's side of things. Women are doing the same thing with us.
However, women take the job role because usually a singular girl is dealing with a whole lot of applicants, if you know what I mean.
Hypereides
Member
Relax, everybody has had approach anxiety back in the day.
If you notice a girl is showing you interest, the best way in my opinion is to just be fucking honest. Walk up there, say something bold, and daring like... "Hi!", she will greet you back, next you tell her something like "I just noticed you, you seem like an interesting girl, and I figured I'd come by and say hello.." . Now stop. And wait for a reaction. After that, you get playful/cocky and take it from there.
Its baby steps. But it ought to get you out of your comfort zone.
About the wingman thing.... you should come by Denmark some day. I love meeting new people anyway.
scar tissue
Banned
I know exactly what you mean. Fucking SA.
I think Atramental posted this gem in the funny pictures thread:
Atramental
Banned
A prophetic vision of your future, perhaps?
BronzeWolf
Banned
How old are you? It only takes you getting it right 2 or 3 times before it hits home! keep at it.
This thread is what you make of it. If you put in effort, we will tell you what you did wrong and what you did right (mostly what you did wrong lol), but if you don't do anything, no thread can help you out. Most of us were in your situation but put on the leg work and got out of it. So if you want help, it's ok, but don't expect us to magically solve your problems, even though the kino escalation ladder is magical enough already...
Atramental
Banned
21. :[
And according to the drunk thread (haha...)
I'm not ugly and I could probably get a girl easily if I just had some more confidence.
Lol. I don't know about after she does. Not the type of girl to say it first. I'll just wait until it comes up naturally.
BronzeWolf
Banned
OMFG you are young, wait until you are 36 to start bitching about lack of skills. And you are at least good looking, keep on working on dem skills and girls will be lining up to give you blowjobs on the street. Or at least you'll get a girlfriend
Vermillion
Banned
That's the start of it.
Atramental
Banned
I know that I'm relatively young compared to the 27 to 36 y.o. crowd but right now I have a sense of urgency because I'm going to be a senior in college next semester and I don't want to graduate from college without having at least one relationship under my belt.
BronzeWolf
Banned
I didn't get my dick blown until I was 22, didn't have sex until I was 24 as strength coaches say: "do not fear small improvements, fear no improvements at all"
There's no badge of shame for that I can tell you. Or at least, that's what I tell myself.
Atramental
Banned
Okay, so I don't have to get too stressed out.
Good advice, btw.
You're right. There is no badge of shame for that.
I just feel gypped because I spent two of my college years at Bob Jones University, an ultra conservative religious school.
No, you should be very stressed out. It should be your life's mission right now. That or end up like me, looking at shotguns in a sporting goods store with envy! Swoon~~
scar tissue
Banned
Yeah, same goes for me. I could use a bit more muscle, but overall, I think I'm doing rather well in the looks department.
Unfortunately, looks don't count for much if you're a guy. It's all about the confidence. Looks can help but, unlike confidence, aren't mandatory.
For fat, confident guys that may be a blessing. For you and I, it's not.
Edit: Atra, I'm not sure how university works in the US or what you are studying. But if you're 21, you should still be a few years from your master's degree, no?
I don't like the idea of graduating as a virgin either, but I still have 3 years left. And I plan on getting a PhD, so I'll be at uni for half an eternity. Plenty of time.
Kinggi, while I feel empathy towards your situation, you need to go get help. Seriously. You are screaming for attention every time you post in this thread, always talking or hinting at suicide. GO. GET. HELP.
Yes i will get help right now.
So you're going to try to rush a relationship that you'll probably going to have to end in less than a year? I don't see the point.
I didn't pursue a relationship in my senior year of college because I didn't want to get attached to someone when I was about to leave. As I said before, I'm 22 and I still haven't been in a relationship (although that should be changing soon), and I didn't have sex until a couple months ago. I'd say focus your energies once you get something a little more stable. Now would be a good time to work out if you aren't already, for example.
UltimaPooh
Member
So what's a good place to meet women aside from the bar or club?
Wherever you can demonstrate that you're good at something. For me, it's art galleries and classrooms. What are your strengths?
Although note I don't have much experience, just going by the general fact that women are attracted to whomever demonstrates talent and/or knowledge.
TurboLibre
Member
There you go. Now stop being depressed about being bald, dammit. You rock that look.
hawkshockey11
Banned
gyms
Atramental
Banned
If I were to get my master's degree (in graphic design) I would have to pay for it myself. My parents are only paying for 4 years (I'm on my 3rd year).
Yeah, maybe striving for a relationship isn't such a great idea.
I at least want to lose my v-card before my time at college is over with. That would give me a huge confidence boost.
BronzeWolf
Banned
I didn't even have a girlfriend in college. My skills weren't good enough. But I did start to work on my approach anxiety though. One day I got fed up, invited one of my friends to videotape me approach and say hi to 100 strangers on the street.
It worked. The tape no longer exists though.
You are on the right track man
It worked. The tape no longer exists though.
You are on the right track man
Even the concept that your virginity is a stigma could subconsciously affect how you portray yourself. It might give you an air of desperation if your goal is to get rid of it. I'd say accept that there are more people that are virgins your age than you might think, and just be comfortable with it.
You don't have to tell women that you're a virgin. But it can work in your favor if they've been tested recently and are on birth control
Ninja_Hawk
Member
I did something similar, my freshman year of college, I sat down with random people at the lunch table. Then when I went to parties, I would just go up to girls and compliment them, not too long past that point, I believe I found myself. Been pretty good with women ever since. The important thing is that you try, fail, fail, fail, fail, realize what you did wrong and see if you can improve, try, and then try again. Sooner or later you'll get it.
Also, I believe you mentioned the same thing, but of course we can only do so much. We're just making posts on a forum. I can give you all of the advice in the world. It is up to you to find the courage and motivation to put it to use, there is only so much anyone can do for you, at some point you just have to say fuck it and push yourself to get what you want.
Hypereides
Member
....I almost want to defile you, just so you can lose your V-card. But I wouldnt feel good about myself... well at least you would.
Seriously mang, youre sprouting so much negativity in this thread, instead of DOING something about it. Grab your testacular blue ball nukes. Go. Out. And. Meet. Women.
Your penis should be ashamed.
Atramental
Banned
Right. Well, I do try to keep it in the back of my mind as much as possible.Even the concept that your virginity is a stigma could subconsciously affect how you portray yourself. It might give you an air of desperation if your goal is to get rid of it. I'd say accept that there are more people that are virgins your age than you might think, and just be comfortable with it.
You don't have to tell women that you're a virgin. But it can work in your favor if they've been tested recently and are on birth control
Also, I forgot to mention something. Today when I was in the lobby/waiting room of the science building for a psychology experiment I signed up for (it's a required activity for my psychology 101 course) this cute strawberry blonde haired girl sat next to me. And there were plenty of empty seats for her to sit in but nope, she sat next to me.
I didn't talk to her or anything (I kind of wish I did now, haha) but I found it kind of interesting that I was in a positive state of mind before she came into the lobby. It's almost as if my positive state of mind drew her to me.
I'm curious what you guys think..
So, let's assume I've gotten decent enough where I can hold my own in the dating world and I'd love to settle down if I find THE right woman. I'm 25.
I'm picky about who I want to be with long term -- I want someone who inspires me. But I also don't like being single. I'm dating someone now that is very fun to be around, but I'm not 100% into. I feel like the urge to break up with her in case someone better comes along will always loom over my head.
Short term, I'd be happier staying with her because it definitely beats being alone -- we do have a lot of fun. I'd also gain more valuable experience being in a relationship and becoming a better person. But I feel like that in a way I'd be leading her on and that it would be selfish of me to do this.
The alternative seems to be breaking up with women as soon as I have these doubts instead of letting them play out a bit more. It'd mean a lot more time being single and I feel like I'd be giving up a lot of valuable memories/experiences. But if the right girl does comes along, there's a much better chance I'd be available.
Thinking about it deeply is throwing me for a loop so here I am seeking additional feedback/opinion. It's like I'm having a mini quarter-life crisis here haha. I appreciate any feedback. Am I a scumbag or am I just looking out for myself?
So, let's assume I've gotten decent enough where I can hold my own in the dating world and I'd love to settle down if I find THE right woman. I'm 25.
I'm picky about who I want to be with long term -- I want someone who inspires me. But I also don't like being single. I'm dating someone now that is very fun to be around, but I'm not 100% into. I feel like the urge to break up with her in case someone better comes along will always loom over my head.
Short term, I'd be happier staying with her because it definitely beats being alone -- we do have a lot of fun. I'd also gain more valuable experience being in a relationship and becoming a better person. But I feel like that in a way I'd be leading her on and that it would be selfish of me to do this.
The alternative seems to be breaking up with women as soon as I have these doubts instead of letting them play out a bit more. It'd mean a lot more time being single and I feel like I'd be giving up a lot of valuable memories/experiences. But if the right girl does comes along, there's a much better chance I'd be available.
Thinking about it deeply is throwing me for a loop so here I am seeking additional feedback/opinion. It's like I'm having a mini quarter-life crisis here haha. I appreciate any feedback. Am I a scumbag or am I just looking out for myself?
luckyboyceo
Member
This. So much.
Kinggi, we want to help you, but clearly you have issues that span beyond what we can do for you in this thread. Either go get serious clinical help, or stop complaining and actually make an effort to go out and better your life. Never once have I seen you post something like "hey guys I tried this for the first time today." It's always negativity.
If I wasn't behind this computer screen I'd punch you in the face. You're negativity is keeping you in this downward spiral and you need to snap out of it. This is beyond girl-age. Work on yourself first and the women will follow.
BronzeWolf
Banned
You have BBDS (bigger better deal syndrome). You haven't found what you like in women yet. I know, I had it even recently. There is not a girl in the world that will fill your quota because you will be always be thinking about getting someone better. That's the road to the lonely nursing home. It's time to be alone, learn to say no, and know what qualities you REALLY want in a woman that is fit for being your wife (yes, wife). Then actively discriminate girls that don't fill that criteria no matter how hot they are.
This is actually the next step between learning the skills, getting sex from tons of women and being in a relationship. There should be no doubts about whether a woman is right for you or not. If there are, it's time to break up the relationship. You should enter a relationship excited because you found someone who fulfills your basic criteria and makes you fucking hard between the loins, not because "being alone is meh"
This is what women call "growing up" or "he knows what he wants". You want a girl that is A,B and C. You won't settle for less, but you will be happy with anyone that fills that criteria, makes your dick hard, and is not crazy.
For me, my deal breakers are:
A. Stats: never married, no kids, +-3 years around my age. Brunette. Own Career. Wants to have kids and get married.
B. Personality: Smart and insightful, sociable.
C. Relationship characteristics: Respectful and honest.
Now that you know how to pick up girls, you need to ask the right questions so you can weed out the deal breakers. You've gotta be realistic though, no girl is perfect and if you can live with some minor flaw, you are on the road towards success. There are characteristics that are mutually exclusive, for example, a girl that loves to have fun will probably not be the girl that you will learn tons of shit from or will be all up your neogaf posts. There is not enough time in a day for anyone to be everything. Fun girls usually don't want to get married soon, or maybe even have a long lasting relationship. Laid back girls usually don't like going out all the time, or won't tolerate you having your bros over all the time. There is a very real trade off between what you WANT and what girls can offer you. I am not saying that you should go get a monster, that's why your dick MUST be hard for a girl, but you've gotta know your brain will adore once the dick goes limp (which is, after sex).
This is excellent advice, and something that I think this thread has been lacking when I previously visited it.
If you aren't excited about getting into a relationship, you're short-changing your partner.
That's why I think it's so important to become content with being alone before you start looking for a relationship.
BronzeWolf
Banned
You don't see it much in this thread because most posters lack the required skills to even begin to think about a meaningful relationship.
1. talk to girls
2. get girls in bed
3. get the girls you want in bed
4. get the girl you want in your life
Most people get stuck at 1.
thats more overanalyzing, imo. even if its in the positive direction, overanalyzing period is counter-productive. though its possible she was drawn to you because of good posture/satisfied look on your face..... meh.
anyways
"so you here for the required psych 101 test too?"
"ive gotta try and train a rat. what are you here for?"
"i like your shoes"
etc etc
BronzeWolf
Banned
"are you nuts like me too?"
Atramental
Banned
You're probably right about the good poster/satisfied look on my face.
And yeah, overanalyzing is a bad habit of mine. For example, while I was sitting there I was thinking about a thousand different outcomes that could take place if I talked with that girl.
What I should of thought instead was "Fuck it. Who cares. It's just some girl. Time and space won't unravel if I just talk with her."
Haha.
I think you make some good points and I'm thinking I just might need a push like that. I honestly dread dating, so I basically have to force myself (though it's becoming more enjoyable the more I do it).
Basically it goes something like this:
-meet someone promising, try to escalate
-goes well, relieved the hard part is over and I can finally relax (I'm much more comfortable in a relationship)
-now I actually have time to breath, but it's also time to think about the long term potential
-if I don't see the long term potential, I now drudge about having to end this one and go through the whole process again
I actually did end it with the last girl at the first sign of 'this isn't going to work' -- felt great at the time and I had no problem being single, and then I hit a dry spell and questioned my decision. Maybe I just need the occasional fling..
Anyway, like I said, the early parts of dating get more enjoyable each time. I feel like if I push myself, I might get into the groove of things. I recently moved from a small college town to a major city (downtown), so I feel like there's probably a much better selection of women and I'll have a better chance of finding the ones that really inspire me.
Don't think I want to end this one right before valentine's day, though... will wait for better timing, but I'll try to keep from getting deeper.
There's no such thing as better timing when it comes to breaking up. You might think you're protecting her, but all you're really doing is wasting her time and living a lie. She can deal with being newly-single on Valentine's. It won't kill her.
BronzeWolf
Banned
You break up when you need to break up. You don't want social pressure (as valentin's day) to keep you from doing what you need to do in your life
You need to learn how to discriminate a girl's LTR (long term relationship) potential before you actually date her. It's difficult, yes, but ask questions and you'll see who is a keeper, or at least, who is just not right for you
You need to learn how to discriminate a girl's LTR (long term relationship) potential before you actually date her. It's difficult, yes, but ask questions and you'll see who is a keeper, or at least, who is just not right for you
One of the ways of doing this is "seeing" a girl for several, several dates before actually committing and "dating" her. In this time you can ask a bunch of questions (views on religion, their ambitions, do they do drugs, what they like the most in life, etc.) while you get to know them better. She's interviewing for the position of your GF and you're the hiring manager, if you'll afford me the hilariously bad cliche.
How do you distinguish "several dates" from "dating"? I've seen this girl 4 times over a couple weeks. No talk of exclusivity, though it feels like she's wanting it to head that way.
Dr Duncan Steel
Member
Don't you guys hate that feeling where you pass by the girl you like in hallways or the streets who you also know fairly well and fails to notice you and then having to worry if such an action was deliberate or not? Because that damn near wrecked me for today. GAF, how do you deal with this sort of ordeal?
I use the word "dating" to describe two people who are in a exclusive/committed relationship where one another acknowledges the other as their "(gender)friend."
You've seen her for a couple of weeks? Keep on seeing her. If she talks about exclusivity and you feel you're not ready or you don't want it, stand up for yourself and be honest. Being pressured into something you don't want will only lead to resentment down the line, so it's your responsibility to say what you really feel when these discussions arise.
Next time you smile, walk up, and say "hey there" and spark up a conversation. You might be able to draw some conclusions based on how that conversation goes, but you can't draw much of anything from her not noticing you when you walk by. Hell, she might be wondering why you didn't notice her.
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