Warrior_Keoni
Member
I just logged into my OKC profile after 1 year and had 10 messages...son of a...
That's what I get for not checking in once a week!
That's what I get for not checking in once a week!
Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy
- Thread starter soultron
- Start date
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Warrior_Keoni
Member
After getting a few rejected messages just a few minutes ago, I have to say you're right. Nothing is keeping me from pursuing other opportunities as is, and there's a huge pile left to comb through.
People on this thread have excellent advice, thanks so much everyone!
-ImaginaryInsider
Member
Asked a girl to dinner, she said yes, then flaked. She ended up telling me she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now cause of work/school, she then made it a point to tell me that she would go out on a date with me cause I'm awesome.
Naturally I assumed she was disinterested and was just being nice, so I politely told her I understood and respected her for trying better her life and then cut all contact with her.
A month went by and now she suddenly texting me again, shes being super talkative and playful, bringing up obscure conversations we had that I barely remember.
So from the collective dating experience of GAF, what is likely her motive for reconnecting? To try and keep me on the back burner or could she actually like me?
Naturally I assumed she was disinterested and was just being nice, so I politely told her I understood and respected her for trying better her life and then cut all contact with her.
A month went by and now she suddenly texting me again, shes being super talkative and playful, bringing up obscure conversations we had that I barely remember.
So from the collective dating experience of GAF, what is likely her motive for reconnecting? To try and keep me on the back burner or could she actually like me?
Go forth, brother, and shine thine light upon the world for all to gaze upon in wonderment.
Or rather, good luck sir.
It's possible that she's just trying to keep you on the backburner, but there is one thing you said that makes me think otherwise and that she might actually be interested in you: you said that she still remembers little conversations and brings them up, even though you've forgotten about them. Well, I feel like if she didn't have a genuine interest in you then she more than likely wouldn't remember these things in detail the way you are saying she is, and making an effort to reconnect with you using these memories.
I say give her a chance and see where it takes you. Seems like she's a little nervous about commitment, but at the same time there's a little part of her telling her that she might like you. Maybe this time apart has made her think about you, or rather think about the idea of dating/a relationship and since you might have struck a chord with her then she makes the attempt to reconnect with you.
Go for it! After all what's been the theme here these past few pages? --> What have you got to lose?
Etrian Oddity
Member
Bam Bam Baklava
Member
I still can't believe you have trouble with girls. You look so much like a cool/popular guy it just blows my mind, and you write poetry too.
You guys don't really believe in that SimplePickup crap, do you? Most of those obviously looked staged as fuck. You can't walk up to a girl and say "do you like to get jizzed on the face?" She'll slap the shit out of you or walk away in disgust, not hand over her number to the creepy weirdo. Such shit.
As for the girl, well she didn't text me at all since yesterday, and she was getting kind of short with her replies only a few words or so, so I'm still not sure.
As for the girl, well she didn't text me at all since yesterday, and she was getting kind of short with her replies only a few words or so, so I'm still not sure.
No, I actually think they're pretty obnoxious.
Just ask her to lunch. Something casual and fun. She'll likely get excited about it, and the conversations will pick up once more.
You look much better than you did back in 2010. You look a little bit like John Goodman in The Big Lebowski. If the Boss did it, then so can you. I've seen a good amount of transformations in that thread.
I get that all the time at every GAF meet up that I go to. Poetry is one of the few outlets where I can let myself loose.
Admittedly, I joined a fraternity a few months ago in hopes of solving these issues but I don't think it's for me since it's financially demanding among other obligations that it entails. I'm not even close any of the guys save for one that I trust. I haven't met that many sorority chicks yet. I might drop out of it in the fall if it overwhelms me.
Otherwise, I'm mostly a lone wolf who has a couple of acquaintances. I'm the kind of guy who walks into a party by himself, awkwardly scans the room, drinks a beer, and lingers near the wall until the end. I hang out by myself outside of school; it's not that bad.
I have a friend that I hang out with whenever school is in session but whenever there's a social event at school or a party, he bails out on me or makes up an excuse. But I'm attracted to school events, so I typically won't shy away from going to one if it interests me or if it's not too scary out of my own interest. I met a couple of guys at a speed dating event, talked to them and stuff. I can't the same thing about women. Some dude who's way confident than me exchanged numbers with me to hang out, but I haven't contacted him since that night.
That said, I'm not as socially awkward as I paint myself. I can make acquaintances pretty easily depending on how I feel and the context. I'm an extremely approachable person and I've worked at the NY Comic Con to work on my social anxiety and met a ton of people. I still a lot of work to do on myself but I'm slowly improving each day.
I'm still scared of talking to women but not that much. I can make conversation with them easily if it's at school. But if it's at a public place or at a social event where I don't know anybody, I freeze up. Still though, I'm a firm believer of doing something that scares me at least once. That's why I tell people to take risks that scare them; regretting something is always going to be ten times worse than having done something. Nobody wants to be old only to look back and face palm themselves for not having done taken a particular risk during their youth so think about it that way.
That is my method -- except I don't rate their profiles. I let them message me, unless they are something really spectacular and standout. Otherwise, the lady can message me if I catch their eye. Has worked well so far.
The girls you want won't care that you don't drink, because if they're that superficial then you don't want them. A girl who genuinely likes you will be able to look past that.
My opinion, anyway.
Lucian Cat
Kissed a mod for a tag; liked it
I need some help gaf,
My bf and I broke up a few months ago, several weeks later I start hooking up with an old friend. He's recently out of a relationship too so we're both looking for a bit of fun. Nothing serious.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago and I realise I'm starting to like him more than just a friend. He's not showing any inclination of the same so I ignore it. We still hang out, everything is awesome.
Cue last week, I'm feeling down and decide to join okc to see if I can find someone who would be interested in more than hooking up with me. I find one. We swap numbers. I tell my friend coz he saw me messaging this guy a lot. He doesnt say anything.
I met this guy yesterday. He's really nice. We had a great time and are planning to meet again on saturday.
Last night comes around, my friend and I go to the movies to see the new Spiderman. I'm still messaging this guy as we sit down to watch the movie. My friend leans over out of the blue and says "I'm not gonna deny I'm jealous".
I'm blown away. I just stare at him in shock. Throughout the whole movie I'm thinking "Oh god, what am I gonna do now". We go back to his place and he basically says he is interested in me, but is hesitant coz he's been hurt in the past.
And now I have no idea what to do. I dont know if my friend is only saying this coz he thinks he's gonna lose me to this new guy or whether he genuinly does feel this way. And I dont want to blow this new guy off for something that may not even happen.
Ugh
My bf and I broke up a few months ago, several weeks later I start hooking up with an old friend. He's recently out of a relationship too so we're both looking for a bit of fun. Nothing serious.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago and I realise I'm starting to like him more than just a friend. He's not showing any inclination of the same so I ignore it. We still hang out, everything is awesome.
Cue last week, I'm feeling down and decide to join okc to see if I can find someone who would be interested in more than hooking up with me. I find one. We swap numbers. I tell my friend coz he saw me messaging this guy a lot. He doesnt say anything.
I met this guy yesterday. He's really nice. We had a great time and are planning to meet again on saturday.
Last night comes around, my friend and I go to the movies to see the new Spiderman. I'm still messaging this guy as we sit down to watch the movie. My friend leans over out of the blue and says "I'm not gonna deny I'm jealous".
I'm blown away. I just stare at him in shock. Throughout the whole movie I'm thinking "Oh god, what am I gonna do now". We go back to his place and he basically says he is interested in me, but is hesitant coz he's been hurt in the past.
And now I have no idea what to do. I dont know if my friend is only saying this coz he thinks he's gonna lose me to this new guy or whether he genuinly does feel this way. And I dont want to blow this new guy off for something that may not even happen.
Ugh
Your friend is totally into you IMO. You finding someone else put the fire under his butt to act on his feelings.
You should still go on the date with the new guy since it has been planned, and like you said your friend might just be getting worried because he doesn't really have you in the first place and might lose you to someone else.
Perhaps you should explain to your friend that you were starting to feel differently about him as well, but were unsure due to his not acting at all interested outside of friendship.
Are you looking for something that might turn into a more committed relationship? Keep at the new guy.
Are you still just looking for nothing serious? Stick with the friend. Sounds like even if the friend is starting to show interest in you, he is still hesitant. You might end up getting burned by him if you fall too hard.
Z
ZombieFred
Unconfirmed Member
I'd say tell him your feelings you have had so you both are on the same level and see where you two will go from there. There's no harm in seeing what develops and if nothing happens then at least you will not have the thoughts on "what if" and still got plenty of other people out there waiting for you. Go for it.
Lucian Cat
Kissed a mod for a tag; liked it
I told him last night that I was keen on him. He pretty much said he wants to be with me, but was still hesitant coz he's been hurt before. Plus he has a 3yo son to think about. Although I've met the kid and he seems to like me.
I'm not bailing on saturday with the new guy. There is way too much chemistry there for me to say "Sorry I'm not feeling it. I'm gonna bail." We've been messaging constantly too. Plus he's a hunk.
I'm looking for more than someone to hook up with now. I think my friend is feeling the same too. He sent me a message before, asking me to go over there, but I declined. I spose I should talk to him more about this to see what he really wants.
I'm not bailing on saturday with the new guy. There is way too much chemistry there for me to say "Sorry I'm not feeling it. I'm gonna bail." We've been messaging constantly too. Plus he's a hunk.
I'm looking for more than someone to hook up with now. I think my friend is feeling the same too. He sent me a message before, asking me to go over there, but I declined. I spose I should talk to him more about this to see what he really wants.
I'm not you, and I don't know all of the details, but here's my opinion based on what I have to work with:
The 3 year old son brings in new complications. Are you willing to deal with that? If you guys are looking for something more serious, then you might essentially already "have a child" with him. Unless the child doesn't live with him, and instead the mother.
I think it is a good idea for you two to really talk about what both of you want right now, and whether or not you can fulfill that role in each other's lives. If you're looking for something more serious and long term, and he's hesitant and not quite ready, then getting into something long term with him could end up hurting you if he bails.
This new guy, however, seems perfect for what you want at the moment. I suppose you'd have to continue the dates though to learn more about him and what he wants as well.
The friend is high risk, high reward.
The new guy is low risk, high reward.
The 3 year old son brings in new complications. Are you willing to deal with that? If you guys are looking for something more serious, then you might essentially already "have a child" with him. Unless the child doesn't live with him, and instead the mother.
I think it is a good idea for you two to really talk about what both of you want right now, and whether or not you can fulfill that role in each other's lives. If you're looking for something more serious and long term, and he's hesitant and not quite ready, then getting into something long term with him could end up hurting you if he bails.
This new guy, however, seems perfect for what you want at the moment. I suppose you'd have to continue the dates though to learn more about him and what he wants as well.
The friend is high risk, high reward.
The new guy is low risk, high reward.
Lucian Cat
Kissed a mod for a tag; liked it
He only gets his son every second weekend so that wouldn't be an issue. I'm worried that he is thinking he has to move quick so I dont get snatched up by this new guy. He repeated that he is jealous that I'm meeting this guy with the potential of it becoming serious.
This new guy is really nice. He's slightly older, doesnt have kids and we seem to hit it off great. Except hes going overseas for a few months from the end of august. So that makes me hesitant on starting anything.
I just wish I'd had an inkling that my friend was interested beforehand. I wouldnt have joined okc and I wouldnt be in this predicament.
Guys are painful.
This new guy is really nice. He's slightly older, doesnt have kids and we seem to hit it off great. Except hes going overseas for a few months from the end of august. So that makes me hesitant on starting anything.
I just wish I'd had an inkling that my friend was interested beforehand. I wouldnt have joined okc and I wouldnt be in this predicament.
Guys are painful.
Heh, girls are painful too. Believe you me.
Well, really you just have to weigh your options. I guess that's the best any of us can say. I'm on the New Guy team based on what you've told us. Like I said, low risk high reward on him. It's not your fault your friend was hesitant/afraid. What happens if he does get you, and this new guy is no longer a threat? Will he want you the same, or will he realize he just wanted what he was thinking he could no longer have and then flake once he does have you?
Find out the new guy's wishes during the next dates you have with him. See what he's looking for if you don't already know.
Lucian Cat
Kissed a mod for a tag; liked it
That's what I'm worried about. I'd rage if he fought for me to then bail coz he won. I like your advice for waiting to see what the new guy wants. Seems like the best thing to do atm.
And I'm sure girls are even more painful. Glad I dont have to deal with them!
And I'm sure girls are even more painful. Glad I dont have to deal with them!
Etrian Oddity
Member
Haha Jipan, that's kinda funny you say that.
Alas, the dilemma of being surrounded by a bunch of beautiful woman-children.
I experience the same thing with smoking weed. I go to a very liberal school, and I feel at times like I'm one of the only people who don't smoke here... sorta sucks when you're hitting it off with a cutie and she becomes visibly crestfallen when she learns you don't smoke.
Alas, the dilemma of being surrounded by a bunch of beautiful woman-children.
layzie1989
Member
asked my friend out on a date last night and she kind of freaked out and walked away like 5 seconds later. feels good, man :\
Warrior_Keoni
Member
I hope your situation works out for the better somehow. I wouldn't know what to do if I was in that awkward position.
The guys on simple pickup aren't saying "try the shit we do to get girls" - and they admittedly edit out the girls that shoot them down, they even had a special showing all the times they got shot down.
The message of the videos (something Kong is always saying) is put yourself out there. It matters less about what you say and more about the confidence you have when you say it.
Which one is combine 2.0?
Freaked out as in she was shy and couldn't take it?
Or freaked out cus she really wouldn't want to?
If she was just shy and couldn't take it, sounds like she got flustered and that doesn't mean "no" yet.
This, but there are alot of other considerations for you to deal with on this.
If I were you, Id just enjoy dating a little bit. A month or two after a serious relationship is still a little soon to be dating and you haven't brought yourself back down into being comfortable alone.
Hmmm, how long have you been friends with her?
My guess is that she had you squarely in the friend zone and you changed that by asking her out. Though the fight is not over and she will try and figure out how she feels about you, I would probably be prepared for her to say No.
Allow me to try:
1. Regardless of what some on GAF may refer to as "Vagina Ownage", most guys don't want to know that their fuck-buddy is also fucking some other dude(s), too. Even if a guy knows that you're fucking another guy, they still don't want such thrown in their face.
That's essentially what you've been doing to Guy A by messaging Guy B while you were on a date (yes, I would categorize going to see a movie with someone you're fucking as a "date") with Guy A, even if such wasn't your intention at all. Thus, the reaction/jealousy from Guy A is completely normal. He feels that he's about to lose you, and is probably surprised you've been looking around since he most likely thought you 2 were a "thing".
2. If I had to guess, then it would be that Guy A has feelings for you, but was going to continue only being your fuck-buddy until something forced his hand. He's been getting the benefits of a relationship without having to put in the effort to make a relationship work. Now that Guy B's in the picture, he feels threatened. So go ahead and have "The Talk" with Guy A, as it should help things greatly. Communication is essential. Just don't expect things between you two to remain the same afterwards.
3. Regardless of how often Guy A sees his kid (which should be as much as possible, for the kid's sake), it's going to be an issue if you get serious with him. Child Support, sharing time with kid, dealing with the baby mama, dealing with a kid as he grows older, etc. A child is not an issue that just goes away, or gets easier or cheaper as the kid grows older. It's ALWAYS there.
4. Guy B sounds like he has potential, and I'd wait & see what happens with him. You've met, there was chemistry, and you want to see him again. Definitely see where this goes.
As for your next step? Stop stressing,and have fun!
Have "The Talk" with Guy A, and see what happens next with Guy B. Don't feel rushed to do anything, especially not because Guy A feels threatened. Like you said, Guy B is leaving for 3 months, right? Spend some time with him before he leaves, then figure out what to do with Guy A after.Well that was short lived.
My girlfriend dumped me last night. She had been acting strange lately and I asked her what was wrong. She said that basically she doesn't feel like she's ready for a serious/committed relationship yet, and that it definitely wasn't me that was the problem. To answer your first question in response to this post, no, the l-word was never brought up in the entire relationship.
I'm really quite pissed about this. This is practically my dream girl walking away from me over something so stupid as "we both want different things". The worst part about it is that finding anyone like her ever again is ridiculously difficult, especially with where I live. After my previous relationship, I actually started having standards for myself, and this girl met all of them. I went back to the dating sites, thinking maybe everyone on there had changed within the last two months. I could not be more wrong. It's still the same women, that I still have no interest in for the same reasons as before.
I think the worst part about this is that I am alone again. I cannot stand being alone. It's just me and my own thoughts that always end up depressing me further, and it feels like there is no hope at all. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do now. Fuck everything.
My girlfriend dumped me last night. She had been acting strange lately and I asked her what was wrong. She said that basically she doesn't feel like she's ready for a serious/committed relationship yet, and that it definitely wasn't me that was the problem. To answer your first question in response to this post, no, the l-word was never brought up in the entire relationship.
I'm really quite pissed about this. This is practically my dream girl walking away from me over something so stupid as "we both want different things". The worst part about it is that finding anyone like her ever again is ridiculously difficult, especially with where I live. After my previous relationship, I actually started having standards for myself, and this girl met all of them. I went back to the dating sites, thinking maybe everyone on there had changed within the last two months. I could not be more wrong. It's still the same women, that I still have no interest in for the same reasons as before.
I think the worst part about this is that I am alone again. I cannot stand being alone. It's just me and my own thoughts that always end up depressing me further, and it feels like there is no hope at all. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do now. Fuck everything.
Brilliant plan. You need to be very careful when asking friends out on dates. I assume you had romantic intentions.
Damn dude. That sucks.
And it will sting the most over the next week.
I know you didn't ask advice, but mine is to try and focus on getting back to being you. You have to comfortable being by yourself and alone again. Throw in a video game, drink whiskey...whatever....Give yourself a few days to sulk, but after a week or two...you need to go DO SOMETHING. Travel. Road Trip. SOMETHING!
You will find someone else.
How long were you guys together?
Lone_Prodigy
Member
Haha Jipan, that's kinda funny you say that.
I experience the same thing with smoking weed. I go to a very liberal school, and I feel at times like I'm one of the only people who don't smoke here... sorta sucks when you're hitting it off with a cutie and she becomes visibly crestfallen when she learns you don't smoke.
Alas, the dilemma of being surrounded by a bunch of beautiful woman-children.
I don't drink because it's expensive and doesn't do anything for me taste-wise. That doesn't prevent me from going out and having a good time with my friends. I'll nurse one drink while they order multiple, or I stick to water.
If you get invited to a party you can go and not partake in weed/alcohol. They'll all be too high/drunk to care.
Just say you have to study/work later and you can't.
FO-totality
Poet Centuriate
Not to be that guy that names-names, but I believe he is referring to Izick, if I'm not mistaken.
Etrian Oddity
Member
My reasons for not doing drugs/abusing substances are of a business nature (want to do government work), so that's the easiest way to explain it.
That doesn't mean they still aren't turned off by your not smoking, though.
Are my standards too high? I didn't think they were but I'm honestly worried that I won't find anyone like her again. Here's pretty much my standards in a nutshell (that I can remember off the top of my head):
-Must not smoke or do drugs
-Must not be religious
-Must be decently attractive (doesn't have to be 10/10, but still decent)
-Must not be crazy (I know this is a no brainer, but you would be surprised at what's out there...)
-Must not have a ridiculous amount of tattoos and piercings.
It seems like pretty much every girl I see online either doesn't respond, has some obvious dealbreaker, or was like my now-ex is and only wants a casual relationship. There's also meeting women offline, 90% of which are religious, have boyfriends already, or something else. Keep in mind I live in Texas.
Now you might be able to see why this is so difficult.
-Must not smoke or do drugs
-Must not be religious
-Must be decently attractive (doesn't have to be 10/10, but still decent)
-Must not be crazy (I know this is a no brainer, but you would be surprised at what's out there...)
-Must not have a ridiculous amount of tattoos and piercings.
It seems like pretty much every girl I see online either doesn't respond, has some obvious dealbreaker, or was like my now-ex is and only wants a casual relationship. There's also meeting women offline, 90% of which are religious, have boyfriends already, or something else. Keep in mind I live in Texas.
Now you might be able to see why this is so difficult.
Dude, I feel your pain. I thought I finally met someone great, turns out she has commitment issues.
I've been chatting up a ton of women online since monday, and as per usual it's like searching for a needle in a minefield of crazy. I just agreed to a date with a girl, and I kinda already regret it. She seems sweet, but also really immature/inexperienced and kind of boring (this is coming from a boring person). After I asked her out I almost immediately regretted it and now I kinda feel like an ass. Ooh well, I guess I'll just see what's she's like on Friday and hope for the best. Worst case scenario I spend 1 hour with her, pay for the drinks and tell her things aren't going to work.
No, those seem like typical standards. Your list basically mirrors mine.
Or just have fun and not be so serious about it.
Fair enough. You're right.
These are essentially my standards as well. I guess I wouldn't mind if someone enjoyed weed every once and a while, I just wouldn't do it with them.
True Underdog
Member
I find myself in a similar situation as Hylian.
My ex broke up with me a couple of days ago. Similar reasons (but she actually is moving very far away). I don't mind giving it a shot but she does so that's that. We're still close, as in, we still have kept talking to each other. I don't know if I should keep talking to her or stop.
What I do know is that I want to land on my feet. I want to get back into dating again, problem is, I'm bad at meeting people. Most of the girls I meet are girls I meet at bars. That's easy but it's not what I want. They never last longer than a few dates but that's to be expected.
How would I go about meeting girls in public places? I just have no idea how to start up a conversation. Sometimes I have with some success but I chalk it up to luck My serious relationships have always been from meeting someone through friends or starting one with someone I've known for a long time.
I've thought about joining one of those dating sites but not use it as my primary means of meeting people.
Any advice is appreciated. Sorry for the rushed post. On GAF mobile.
e: as far as my preferences go, I'm pretty tolerable. I'm open to different body types. Most of the girls I date are petite but I've spent time with heavier girls (read: chubby) but I have no room to talk as I'm overweight (but working on it daily). My biggest issue is not wanting to date a smoker. I don't mind if they do drugs as long as they stay away from the hard shit. And tattoos don't bother me. My longest relationship with someone was with a girl who had 9 tattoos by the time she moved out/we broke up.
My ex broke up with me a couple of days ago. Similar reasons (but she actually is moving very far away). I don't mind giving it a shot but she does so that's that. We're still close, as in, we still have kept talking to each other. I don't know if I should keep talking to her or stop.
What I do know is that I want to land on my feet. I want to get back into dating again, problem is, I'm bad at meeting people. Most of the girls I meet are girls I meet at bars. That's easy but it's not what I want. They never last longer than a few dates but that's to be expected.
How would I go about meeting girls in public places? I just have no idea how to start up a conversation. Sometimes I have with some success but I chalk it up to luck My serious relationships have always been from meeting someone through friends or starting one with someone I've known for a long time.
I've thought about joining one of those dating sites but not use it as my primary means of meeting people.
Any advice is appreciated. Sorry for the rushed post. On GAF mobile.
e: as far as my preferences go, I'm pretty tolerable. I'm open to different body types. Most of the girls I date are petite but I've spent time with heavier girls (read: chubby) but I have no room to talk as I'm overweight (but working on it daily). My biggest issue is not wanting to date a smoker. I don't mind if they do drugs as long as they stay away from the hard shit. And tattoos don't bother me. My longest relationship with someone was with a girl who had 9 tattoos by the time she moved out/we broke up.
AHA-Lambda
Member
Weird, I find myself in exactly the same situation as both you guys. Right now I'm just trying to not let it worry me. But the parallels here are definite.
As for the bolded, I definitely have been feeling that but after even some people on here told me I had to chill I realised I really did, I'm just going to set myself back further otherwise; need to learn to be ok being single for a lil while.
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