Buckle up guys.
So today was our second time together and we hung out at my place. Which she sugessted even and I did not. I picked her up, threw in a bluray and we watched a movie on my PS3 in my room. Having known that this was the plan to hang out and watch a movie days prior, I purchased some stuff like drinks(non alcoholic) and snacks. We sat there watching the movie and I put my arm around her after fighting with myself as to whether I should or not. She smiled and reciprocated. We talked a bit throughout the movie and I mentioned how the kiss the other day was unexpected on a first date, but that it was nice. At this point she took my arm off her shoulder and pushed me onto the bed, kissing me. I was a little confused, but definitely excited. (Although I did not want to go any further and was ready to tell her that. Let me reiterate. I could have slept with many women thus far but have always been a hopeless romantic.) We giggled a bit and out of nowhere she started rubbing up against me and being very frisky. I grabbed her hand and moved away a bit and tried to sit back up. She pushed me back down and started biting my neck, ears, etc. So yeah, at this point I was obviously very aroused and pardoned myself. She laughed it off and said: "It's okay. It's fine if you get hard". She kept fucking going and going, as we made out heavily. I didn't do much though since I was nervous and because I just didn't want to continue mentally. She then took my hands and placed them on her chest and lowered herself down so that my hands pushed into her breasts. I asked her if she wanted me to go on and she said "Yes". We continued making out and she fucking went insane. Like nails, teeth, all this shit.
Now obviously a total noob like me would be overwhelmed by this, and I truly was. It was exhilarating but scary in a way. Finally I pushed her off as I had put some food on the stove and our litle session had made me forget all about it. Of course I was seriously "risen" at this point and didn't feel comfrotable walking into the kitchen where a room-mate might be. She jumped off the bed, took a swig of her iced drink and kissed me again. Telling me "That'll cool you down". Yeah, no, it didn't. Anyway I went and turned the stove off, came back with the food and we ate while talking. After we finished I finally kissed her and I swear on the holy ghost itself, gently brushed her back with my hand as we lay down. She reciprocated and lunged into me, wrapping her legs around my waist and all. My hands went to her hips and she said "Not any lower...unless you ask". To which I said "Okay...may I?". She said yes and put them there herself. Then out of nowhere she grabbed my butt and I laughed, asking her what happened to asking first. She said, and I quote: "There's things that I want to do to you, that I may not want you to do to me." At this point I was just deep in lust and laughed it off. While my mind feebly screamed: "What?!".
I was a perfect gentleman the entire time. A lot of people in real life and even some of you guys on GAF can attest to that. I won't even stare at a woman if she's wearing something skimpy without making eye contact first at least. My mom did not raise me to mistreat women in any way and I have sisters. I would never want any guy to treat them badly or anything either. So I always treat women close to me very well. And especially so if they're a potential love interest. Any-time I touched her I always asked first. So much so at one point she said: "Are you going to ask every time?". I could easly have dominated her physically, but I did not once force myself on her in any manner. I gave her full control for the most part and only ever chimed in when she bit too hard or when I felt that we were going to far. The entire time I showered her with compliments(truthfully) and was very gentle.
So after our weird tryst was over(About two hours in length of non stop making out). My alarm went off, reminding me that I had to get to work soon. I pushed her off(Gently) and told her that I'd had fun, but had to get to work. Saying how I wished we could stay in bed all day, but that for now I had to work. She pushed me back down and straddled me, scratching my abdomen and biting my neck. I told her that I seriously had to go and would drop her off. She swung a leg off and laughed, kissed me agan and said some other day as she lay back. I quickly grabbed my work clothes from the hangers and helped her up.
SHE THEN SAT AT THE EDGE OF THE BED. PUT HER HEAD UP AND LOOKED AT THE CEILING. SIGHING.I asked her what was the matter since I could see her eyes getting watery and her face turning red. She slumped over, face in hands. At this point my energy high and arousal just died like nothing and I dropped my clothes, walked over and just hugged her. Asking what was wrong. Kissed her forehead, absolutely fucking confused. THIS WAS MY SECOND DATE EVER. WHY WAS THE GIRL CRYING?! I thought maybe she had some family issue, personal issue, etc, I didn't fucking know. I soothingly coaxed it out of her and she said this, THIS!:
AND. I. FUCKING. QUOTE. Because Lord knows that I'll never forget:
"JUST BECAUSE WE'RE MAKING OUT, DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU GET TO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT WITH MY BODY. I'M NOT JUST FOR YOU TO POP."
What. What?? What?! My heart sank like the fucking Titanic and there was this... immeasurable wave of filth that just washed over me. I immediately let go of her as I sat dumbfounded. Never in my life have I ever felt so guilty and dirty. The way she looked at me, her posture, her eyes; I felt as if I'd just raped someone. Taken something incredibly private from them. I'd basically touched and seen everything from the waist up and now I felt so powerfully that I'd just violated her. Guilt. Guilt was all I could feel and guilt is STILL a large part of what I feel now. This woman was someone that I was starting to care about, that I'd spent my free time talking with and getting to know. That I'd allowed into my house warmly and into my bed. The only woman who's ever shared a bed with me. And now I quite literally felt like a monster who'd lured her in and violated her.
I didn't know what to say. She just sat there whimpering and I clasped my mouth with both hands, mind racing. Finally I blurted out a weak "sorry" and put my arm around her. Reassuring her that I would never treat her as a sexual tool, have never treated any woman that way; and that in the future, I'd always ask before doing anything again. She sniffled some more and I gently ushered her up and out. We got in the car and as I drove her home, my face must've been ashen. I truly felt as if I'd broken some sanctimonious trust. But my mind was slamming into my vision, and as I drove, I straight up said: "What did I do wrong?". And this is the point where I went from guilt to guilt bordering on anger: "It..it's just that when I do something to you. It's because...I want too. But the way you touched me at times, I felt as if you were trying to take advantage of me."
I had damn near half my mind to slam on the brakes and just stare at her. HOW IN THE GLORIOUS FUCK?! Me? Me?! The guy who you'd spent an entire day talking and hanging out with, trading stories, agreeing on pretty much every moral standing, THE GUY WHO'D TOLD YOU FIRST THAT HE WANTED TO TAKE THINGS SLOW AND WAS IN NO RUSH TO HAVE SEX? That guy?! I didn't fucking know that making out was considered having sex! Anyway. I dropped her off and went to work. My mood has been a mess since.
Never have I been so close to a woman before and never have I seen or felt the things I did today. But. I don't fucking understand how that makes me a monster for giving into my physical urges to a point. The point of "DO NOT HURT HER IN ANY WAY". Everything that she did to me, I never took offense too. I corrected her if it was too much or inappropriate at this stage, but I did not guilt trip her about it. Is this not what we're supposed to discuss? Boundaries and whatnot? So what the fuck is the problem?!
Here is what I'm going to do: I'm going to talk to her and explain very warmly that we perhaps took it too far too fast and did not set boundaries well enough.(Even though we did...). I will apologize again for any inappropriate touching(During a fucking makeout session??) and tell her that perhaps for now, it'd be best if we were cordial friends.
I'm sorry guys, but this type of reaction is a bright red danger sign; even to me. I'm thinking that maybe some guy tried to force himself on her in the past or something based on her breakdown. I'm not certain. But I certainely won't and can't deal with this much drama in my first relationship. It's not even that I could/will talk to her about this. It's the fact that when and if I see her again, I'm going to feel...betrayal? And anger. Because as much as she went insane about this, I too opened a very intimate and private side of myself to her as well. I screwed up by trusting her too fast with my body and letting the physical side escalate so quick. She's the one who made all the first moves physically and I'm the one who had to keep reassuring her that I really did want to know her and that it'd be weeks or months before I desired intimacy. Yet now I'm the one feeling like utter shit.
I literally feel as if I'd dirtied my hands. Not in my feelings, but in have simply touching her. And I just can't see how fearing touching the person you care about and hurting them because of that is anything that a novice like me should be dealing with.
Fuck.
