Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy

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I guess this is the right place for this....

My girlfriend and I have been together for around four years and we currently live together. She told me earlier this week she has been in a funk and has not had much of a sex drive, I have been initiating a lot lately. Sometimes I go through periods where my sex drive is low also so I can understand what she is saying. Around a month ago she got back on birth control, the once a month ring type, and it just kicked in to full effect around a week ago. I talked to my sister about it and she was pretty convinced the birth control is messing with her hormones and told me that she would adjust and be back to normal once she gets used to it. What should I do GAF? Should I give it some time and not initiate as much and let her when she is ready? I really love this girl and her admitting she was in a funk got me pretty bummed. Does birth control normally affect sex drive?
 
Pastry said:
I guess this is the right place for this....

My girlfriend and I have been together for around four years and we currently live together. She told me earlier this week she has been in a funk and has not had much of a sex drive, I have been initiating a lot lately. Around a month ago she got back on birth control, the once a month ring type, and it just kicked in to full effect around a week ago. I talked to my sister about it and she was pretty convinced the birth control is messing with her hormones and told me that she would adjust and be back to normal once she gets used to it. What should I do GAF? Should I give it some time and not initiate as much and let her when she is ready? I really love this girl and her admitting she was in a funk got me pretty bummed. Does birth control normally affect sex drive?
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Birth control can affect sex drive, yes. I went through what you're going through now...it's a slow down in sex life. My advice here is to chill out on initiating. Speaking from experience, the more you initiate, the badder she feels about her sex drive, which in turn makes her less in tuned to having sex (guilt is not an arousing feeling).

I would also talk to her about it. Ask her about the funk, listen to her talk and hear what she's saying. Sex is a normal part of a relationship that carries and breeds expectations. If you don't talk about it, then communication drops too, then you both start feeling lonely, and so on.

Do not, however, feel as though you need to change your expectations to match hers...it's your life, after all. If you truly want to make the change, then that's your decision (and one that no one ought to give you shit for). If not, then understand that it'll be an issue going forward.
 
I am friends with a couple of attractive girls that I don't want to sleep with.

Well, maybe in a 'press pause button on reality, the next 30 minutes never happened' sort of situation, but realistically hell naw.

Why? Because I'd never ever want to date them (totally not my type), and it'd just be weird sleeping with them and nothing else. I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling this way either =p
 
Pastry said:
I guess this is the right place for this....

My girlfriend and I have been together for around four years and we currently live together. She told me earlier this week she has been in a funk and has not had much of a sex drive, I have been initiating a lot lately. Around a month ago she got back on birth control, the once a month ring type, and it just kicked in to full effect around a week ago. I talked to my sister about it and she was pretty convinced the birth control is messing with her hormones and told me that she would adjust and be back to normal once she gets used to it. What should I do GAF? Should I give it some time and not initiate as much and let her when she is ready? I really love this girl and her admitting she was in a funk got me pretty bummed. Does birth control normally affect sex drive?
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It does yeah. I would say that being in a long term relationship probably has an effect too.
Ideas: If she still gets periods, her sex drive will probably be higher around the days leading up to it continuing until a couple of days after. You could also try waiting for her to initiate. Trying new things in bed, or just focusing on pleasing her - not having sex - to help ease her back into the swing of things.
 
You need to do some serious reading on birth control. Doesn't surprise me most men wouldn't know much about it though (or care).
 
Pastry said:
I guess this is the right place for this....

My girlfriend and I have been together for around four years and we currently live together. She told me earlier this week she has been in a funk and has not had much of a sex drive, I have been initiating a lot lately. Sometimes I go through periods where my sex drive is low also so I can understand what she is saying. Around a month ago she got back on birth control, the once a month ring type, and it just kicked in to full effect around a week ago. I talked to my sister about it and she was pretty convinced the birth control is messing with her hormones and told me that she would adjust and be back to normal once she gets used to it. What should I do GAF? Should I give it some time and not initiate as much and let her when she is ready? I really love this girl and her admitting she was in a funk got me pretty bummed. Does birth control normally affect sex drive?
Click to expand...

Absolutely. Don't sweat the small stuff.

Initiate when you want to, respect when she isn't in the mood. Eventually it's likely she'll get used to the birth control and things will be back to normal.
 
shanshan310 said:
You misunderstand me. I don't think finding someone attractive means that you can't also have a genuine friendship with them.
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I understood you perfectly. We are just at a disagreement.


Pastry said:
Does birth control normally affect sex drive?
Click to expand...

It's not uncommon. Some (most?) women have to try various birth control methods to see what works best for them. Meaning, the one that doesn't affect them the most.
 
Pastry said:
I guess this is the right place for this....

My girlfriend and I have been together for around four years and we currently live together. She told me earlier this week she has been in a funk and has not had much of a sex drive, I have been initiating a lot lately. Sometimes I go through periods where my sex drive is low also so I can understand what she is saying. Around a month ago she got back on birth control, the once a month ring type, and it just kicked in to full effect around a week ago. I talked to my sister about it and she was pretty convinced the birth control is messing with her hormones and told me that she would adjust and be back to normal once she gets used to it. What should I do GAF? Should I give it some time and not initiate as much and let her when she is ready? I really love this girl and her admitting she was in a funk got me pretty bummed. Does birth control normally affect sex drive?
Click to expand...

Yes, birth control does affect sex drive, sometimes really drastically.

It might just be temporary, in which case it shouldn't take too long for her to adapt and possibly get an increased sex drive; but it might also stay low for as long as she sticks to that particular form of birth control - in which case the two of you have to adapt or perhaps seek out a new birth control.
 
I'm mixed on the whole friendship situation. Most of the girls I've met have liked me as more than a friend, and in fact came to me first. Every girl who has wanted to meet me has eventually divulged her actual intentions. The ones who were just "friends" didn't care nearly as much as the ones who wanted more than friendship.

So yeah, in my mind its hard to be true friends with a girl. There are some exceptions, sure, but that's if you are able to fill certain roles that certain women want/need.
 
stn said:
I'm mixed on the whole friendship situation. Most of the girls I've met have liked me as more than a friend, and in fact came to me first. Every girl who has wanted to meet me has eventually divulged her actual intentions. The ones who were just "friends" didn't care nearly as much as the ones who wanted more than friendship.

So yeah, in my mind its hard to be true friends with a girl. There are some exceptions, sure, but that's if you are able to fill certain roles that certain women want/need.
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this doesn't sound like true friendship to me. Being friends with women is really not that different to being friends with men.
 
Thanks for the advice GAF! I'll ease up on initiating and let her when she is ready, I have probably been a bit overbearing in that regard recently.
 
MVP said:
Ugly women mysteriously don't ever have male friends, just much more attractive female friends. The "mysteries" of life...
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*facepalm* Holy shit dude. I know you're trying to play up your alpha / MVP internet persona, but you're just filling the thread with nonsense now. If you really believe that you seriously need more life experience.
 
low-G said:
*facepalm* Holy shit dude. I know you're trying to play up your alpha / MVP internet persona, but you're just filling the thread with nonsense now. If you really believe that you seriously need more life experience.
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You can check my post history, I assure you I don't have an "alpha" internet persona, and no one thinks of me as alpha. I just think some people here are delusional...this for example:

shanshan310 said:
Being friends with women is really not that different to being friends with men.
Click to expand...

Yeah to women it's not. A woman can be friends with a man or woman and not have any type of sexual interest in either one. I guess my opinion is geared more towards men. Men won't be friends with any woman if there isn't any type of physical attraction there. They just won't.

Fine, maybe there's like .01% of men that are fine with it, but the vast majority won't be good friends with a woman they won't also bang if given the chance. You can debate this all you want, it's true. Maybe they got friendzoned and are fine with remaining friends, that's a different story. Maybe they call women they just say hi to at work "friends", when they're merely acquaintances, that's a different story.

If you consider yourself different, and you seek out female friendship just for the friendship, that's cool. Hats off to you, but it is an absolute fact that you are in the very tiny minority. There's no debating this.
 
Kung Fu Grip said:
Well....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA
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blackguyclapping.gif


I like the delusional answers of all the women, and then of course at the end the truth comes out. Notice how they are all attractive as well.
 
MVP said:
If you consider yourself different, and you seek out female friendship just for the friendship, that's cool. Hats off to you, but it is an absolute fact that you are in the very tiny majority. There's no debating this.
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Yep, there is.

Guys, all we're doing is throwing whatever anecdotal arguments we can come up with at the wall and hoping it sticks.

We're all talking out our arses here, so we might as well drop this particular discussion unless we got some non-anecdotal arguments to throw into this debate.

Let's talk about OddSpoon and his GF.
 
JokerOfSpades said:
Just because you'd have sex with them doesn't mean that you can't be friends.
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I agree, but would you still have become friends with them if you wouldn't also have sex with them? I'm not saying all men are cavemen that are unable to simply be friends with a woman without always trying to get into her pants. I'm just saying women are able to have friends of the opposite sex even if they have absolutely no physical attraction towards them, men aren't (for the most part).
 
SquiddyBiscuit said:
Yep, there is.

Guys, all we're doing is throwing whatever anectodal arguments we can come up with at the wall and hoping it sticks.

We're all talking out our arses here.
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So, welcome to NeoGAF and all that.

MVP said:
I agree, but would you still have become friends with them if you wouldn't also have sex with them? I'm not saying all men are cavemen that are unable to simply be friends with a woman without always trying to get into her pants. I'm just saying women are able to have friends of the opposite sex even if they have absolutely no physical attraction towards them, men aren't (for the most part).
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I don't become friends with people on the basis of having sex with them, no.
 
MVP said:
I agree, but would you still have become friends with them if you wouldn't also have sex with them? I'm not saying all men are cavemen that are unable to simply be friends with a woman without always trying to get into her pants. I'm just saying women are able to have friends of the opposite sex even if they have absolutely no physical attraction towards them, men aren't (for the most part).
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Most of my female friends are my friends because I'm not attracted to them. They're attractive objectively, just not really my type (or childhood friends). Otherwise why would I be friends with them??

Other than that though I agree with a lot of what you're saying. It's much harder for a guy to just be friends with a girl than the other way around, generally.
 
Men and women cannot be friends. Sex will always get in the way.

Ever notice that when a female or male gets married, their close opposite sex friends drop off?

There's a reason.
 
SquiddyBiscuit said:
Guys, all we're doing is throwing whatever anecdotal arguments we can come up with at the wall and hoping it sticks.

We're all talking out our arses here, so we might as well drop this particular discussion unless we got some non-anecdotal arguments to throw into this debate.

Let's talk about OddSpoon and his GF.
Click to expand...
Here's my last post on this subject as this thread should be focused more on helping people in their dating lives.

http://www.livescience.com/20119-men-women-sex-friendship.html

What I gather from this article is that men are more likely to be attracted to their female friends than vice versa and if given a chance, they would want to date them.

Ultimately both guys and girls WANT to be platonic friends but attraction/sex gets in the way.

I feel like we're all saying the same thing except for one key difference. People are arguing that DESPITE attraction you can still be close friends... Others are arguing that because of attraction, the friendship is doomed to fail. Again there are exceptions to everything. I do have female friends as well, but there's a certain boundaries I just will not cross with them. If you have close female friends or guy friends, that's great for you.

I guess to tie it all together into a general dating advice, if you are interested in someone, and they reject you but want to remain friends. Don't accept if your hope is that they will one day change their feelings. Very rarely do they change their mind. If a friend shows obvious signs of interest but you yourself are not, create some boundaries.. otherwise you are leading them on. If you have been good friends for a long time? Awesome, good friends are hard to come by.
 
MVP said:
You can check my post history, I assure you I don't have an "alpha" internet persona, and no one thinks of me as alpha. I just think some people here are delusional...this for example:



Yeah to women it's not. A woman can be friends with a man or woman and not have any type of sexual interest in either one. I guess my opinion is geared more towards men. Men won't be friends with any woman if there isn't any type of physical attraction there. They just won't.
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You are the only one that's delusional. Holy crap.
 
vicissitudes said:
Their close same sex friends drop off too, it's called family life takes up a lot of time.
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I guess it depends on the person. Some will drop when the other gets a boyfriend/girlfriend. Some will drop off when the other gets engaged. The rest when the other gets married. Either way they'll give up eventually.
 
Since I know whatever I say will be ignored on the topic regarding my own experience, my mother's closest friend was male, they were both married and with children and they kept seeing each other regularly, despite my mother being no beauty. And he remained one of the closest people to her until she died from cancer. I can only assume he was, too, thinking with his dick those years
 
SlipperySlope said:
Men and women cannot be friends. Sex will always get in the way.

Ever notice that when a female or male gets married, their close opposite sex friends drop off?

There's a reason.
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Come on, bro. I have as many girl friends as guy friends and I am married. Not all of us are incapable of having relationships with women without having sex be part of it.
 
SlipperySlope said:
I guess it depends on the person. Some will drop when the other gets a boyfriend/girlfriend. Some will drop off when the other gets engaged. The rest when the other gets married. Either way they'll give up eventually.
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mostly because their SOs get jealous.
 
The guys with no female friends should consider that maybe they are the problem. Someone who knows their posts here better than myself should be able to judge how well they usually do at relationships.
 
The Anti-Monitor said:
The guys with no female friends should consider that maybe they are the problem. Someone who knows their posts here better than myself should be able to judge how well they usually do at relationships.
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Funny you say that, because a good female friend can be a very useful and effective asset if you're pursuing a girl for a relationship.
 
The Anti-Monitor said:
Since I know whatever I say will be ignored on the topic regarding my own experience, my mother's closest friend was male, they were both married and with children and they kept seeing each other regularly, despite my mother being no beauty. And he remained one of the closest people to her until she died from cancer. I can only assume he was, too, thinking with his dick those years
Click to expand...

With all due respect to your mother, we don't know how that friendship started. We've all said before, it's possible that guys get friendzoned and eventually just accept that nothing else will happen, but it's EXTREMELY rare that guys will PURSUE just a friendship from the very beginning without any other intentions.

That's all we're saying. Guys really aren't wired that way. Ever since the beginning of man it's been this way. I don't think men CANNOT be just friends with a woman, I'm saying they DON'T WANT TO.
 
MVP said:
EDIT: in b4 "dude I'm a guy and I have female friends and I meant it that way, I'm just nice bro, your view is messed up, yadda yadda"
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Always the predictable outcome of this debate.

And yup, I'd agree that men are mostly at fault here. That's cool, though. :)
 
LosDaddie said:
And yup, I'd agree that men are mostly at fault here. That's cool, though. :)
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I don't see what is cool about reducing the number of options. It's very boring life if you boil down everything to sex when it comes to relationship between people. But yes, men tend to oversimplify this and women like to help them too :)
 
SlipperySlope said:
Men and women cannot be friends. Sex will always get in the way.

Ever notice that when a female or male gets married, their close opposite sex friends drop off?

There's a reason.
Click to expand...

I don't notice this at all. I still have women friends and my woman has plenty of men friends. We aren't married but have been in a relationship for 3 years.

What about my friends who are women who are in a relationship? Am I not friends with them either?
 
Sarye said:
Here's my last post on this subject as this thread should be focused more on helping people in their dating lives.

http://www.livescience.com/20119-men-women-sex-friendship.html

What I gather from this article is that men are more likely to be attracted to their female friends than vice versa and if given a chance, they would want to date them.

Ultimately both guys and girls WANT to be platonic friends but attraction/sex gets in the way.

I feel like we're all saying the same thing except for one key difference. People are arguing that DESPITE attraction you can still be close friends... Others are arguing that because of attraction, the friendship is doomed to fail. Again there are exceptions to everything. I do have female friends as well, but there's a certain boundaries I just will not cross with them. If you have close female friends or guy friends, that's great for you.

I guess to tie it all together into a general dating advice, if you are interested in someone, and they reject you but want to remain friends. Don't accept if your hope is that they will one day change their feelings. Very rarely do they change their mind. If a friend shows obvious signs of interest but you yourself are not, create some boundaries.. otherwise you are leading them on. If you have been good friends for a long time? Awesome, good friends are hard to come by.
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"I think men and women do want to be friends, they do want to engage in platonic friendships," said study researcher April Bleske-Rechek, a psychologist at the University of Wisconsin, Eau Claire. "But the data I've been collecting suggests that attractions can get in the way."
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Sure, that's pretty much what I'm thinking.

And it's a far shot from "the vast majority" or "most" guys would jump into bed with their gal pals if they ever had the chance. I pretty much agree with you, I just think people are really overstating the effect that attraction has (and I'm not saying it has no effect whatsoever.

So we got some research all up in this bitch, debate over?
 
Omegasquash said:
Read the OP, start smiling more (not like a fool, but at people as they walk by you), and know that you're datable.
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Thanks! I've read the OP (Including the one linked and I've already begun taking some of those steps. I worry about smiling though. I'm told I'm an angry looking fellow, so I guess I should do something about that, but I just feel creepy whenever I smile about stuff. :(
 
SquiddyBiscuit said:
Sure, that's pretty much what I'm thinking.

And it's a far shot from "the vast majority" or "most" guys would jump into bed with their gal pals if they ever had the chance. I pretty much agree with you, I just think people are really overstating the effect that attraction has (and I'm not saying it has no effect whatsoever.

So we got some research all up in this bitch, debate over?
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Yes I do agree that despite feelings/attraction or whatever guys and girls can adequately suppress those feelings and never act on them. I just don't think that's healthy for the parties involved.
 
SquiddyBiscuit said:
So we got some research all up in this bitch, debate over?
Click to expand...

Anyone have access to the actual paper?

http://spr.sagepub.com/content/early/2012/04/24/0265407512443611.abstract

They asked 400 people, but this debate is really about the numbers. All it states are that men are more likely to feel attraction to their female friends than females to their male friends.

Anyways, the whole debate is really about whether the women we date should be 'allowed' to have male friends. The core to all this is some guys being wildly disrespected and cheated on, and them taking it. So then we have people arguing the base instincts saying they're flat out right on both sides.

Maybe we should try to quantify 'attraction' first anyways. Perhaps, a molecular analysis of biological-chemical processes when stimulated by members of the opposite sex.


Researrrchhh: Here you go, actual stats from the study:

http://bps-research-digest.blogspot.com/2012/07/just-good-friends-attraction-to.html

"Overall, attraction to an opposite-sex friend was more often seen as a burden rather than a benefit of the friendship. Averaged across both samples, attraction was listed as a cost or complication by 32 per cent of participants - five times more often than it was listed as a benefit or enhancement"

So, 32% complained that attraction caused problems in opposite-sex friendships.
 
low-G said:
Anyone have access to the actual paper?

http://spr.sagepub.com/content/early/2012/04/24/0265407512443611.abstract

They asked 400 people, but this debate is really about the numbers. All it states are that men are more likely to feel attraction to their female friends than females to their male friends.

...

Maybe we should try to quantify 'attraction' first anyways. Perhaps, a molecular analysis of biological-chemical processes when stimulated by members of the opposite sex.


Researrrchhh: Here you go, actual stats from the study:

http://bps-research-digest.blogspot.com/2012/07/just-good-friends-attraction-to.html

"Overall, attraction to an opposite-sex friend was more often seen as a burden rather than a benefit of the friendship. Averaged across both samples, attraction was listed as a cost or complication by 32 per cent of participants - five times more often than it was listed as a benefit or enhancement"

So, 32% complained that attraction caused problems in opposite-sex friendships.
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Yeah, I didn't expect any higher number.
I've always thought that the whole "girls can't be friends" was a result of hormonal thinking and not an issue as you matured, but the more you know.

Anyways, the whole debate is really about whether the women we date should be 'allowed' to have male friends. The core to all this is some guys being wildly disrespected and cheated on, and them taking it. So then we have people arguing the base instincts saying they're flat out right on both sides.
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Well, that's really up to the lady (or guy) in question isn't it?
If you trust her/him, you shouldn't be bothered.
 
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