Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy

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Just curious, why exactly is this bad? I've actually been considering this myself - not any time soon, but after my debt consolidation loan is paid off - I don't particularly want to be a virgin when I hit 40.

See, many guys have sex for status - that's part of the reason, in case any ladies were wondering - that slut shaming exists. It proves something to your friends and you get to brag - the harder to get is the more status you gain from it.

Now, on to your question. Why is it bad? I have two reasons:

1) If you're doing this for purpose/ego boost (evidently you are, as you "don't particularly want to be a virgin when you hit 40"), then any sort of sex you pay for doesn't help. In the end, it's sex that you paid for with people who will pretty much fuck anyone. It won't mean anything, and the good old fashioned way (not paying) is pretty much the only way to do that. Losing your virginity to an escort won't do much for you mentally/socially. I mean, technically you could do that a lot and end up good at it thereby gaining confidence but still.

2) Making a connection with another person. Some people may not care about that, and I can dig that, but there's something to be said about finding and having sex with someone who wants to have sex with you for something other than your money. Or more simply, when you work to catch your fish, it tastes much better (or so I've heard :().
 
Just curious, why exactly is this bad? I've actually been considering this myself - not any time soon, but after my debt consolidation loan is paid off - I don't particularly want to be a virgin when I hit 40.
1.) There are people who lost their vcard in their late 30s/40s and are happy now, according to a post in this thread.
2.) People who have done this regret it afterwards.
3.) I don't think you want to tell your future gf that your first was an escort.
 
Uh, not speaking to someone is considered a temper tantrum?

I meant not speaking to someone as in "not actively seeking out conversation," more akin to moving on and keeping any conversation initiated by her (if this happens) civil.

Think of it as an ex-GF almost. Keep things brief and civil when she engages/sees you but do not seek her out to talk/hang.
 
Both men and women often don't have the courtesy to tell a candidate that they're "just not into them," so don't even expect that kind of closure. Always be on the move and don't sit on a woman for too long if she's not making time for you.

Which is a shame. Most people won't go into a faetal position et cry themselves to sleep. Unless it has changed, french girls had no issues telling me "No" or "Not interested" back in the day :P
 
I meant not speaking to someone as in "not actively seeking out conversation," more akin to moving on and keeping any conversation initiated by her (if this happens) civil.

Think of it as an ex-GF almost. Keep things brief and civil when she engages/sees you but do not seek her out to talk/hang.

Ok, I agree, like I said in my post, he deserves to know what happens, but not seek that explanation out. She should go up to him and explain or apologize though the likelihood is small. He should make her feel like shit. Usually the best way to handle that is to "kill them with kindness", be polite, but choose your words wisely so that she understands she was in the wrong and then basically not speak to her again.
 
Just curious, why exactly is this bad? I've actually been considering this myself - not any time soon, but after my debt consolidation loan is paid off - I don't particularly want to be a virgin when I hit 40.

Because it's missing the point, Dan. The point is not the binary "virgin/not virgin," and the point is not even about getting off. It goes beyond that. The label is just indicative of someone's inability to interact with people romantically and sexually.

Losing your virginity to a prostitute isn't going to "fix" you, and it's not going to be anything like the real thing. Being with someone who doesn't want you and is just faking everything and not getting wet, and you knowing all that, is not going to be much different than using a fleshlight.

You'll still be you after putting your dick into a girl, just probably resenting yourself for having that as your first experience for the rest of your life, and possibly headed down the path where you replace your desire for romantic involvement with just paying for sex and being alone, having convinced yourself that you've avoided all the terrible pitfalls of dating and compromise and emotional pain.

Your problems are fixable, Dan, but not by shelling out some cash to have your Virgin label scraped off; you need to stop hating yourself and viewing your position as untenable, because it's not.
 
Ok, I agree, like I said in my post, he deserves to know what happens, but not seek that explanation out. She should go up to him and explain or apologize though the likelihood is small. He should make her feel like shit. Usually the best way to handle that is to "kill them with kindness", be polite, but choose your words wisely so that she understands she was in the wrong and then basically not speak to her again.

Why feel like you deserve an explanation? Getting an explanation is out of your control. Even if you confronted this girl, who's to say you'd even get a straight answer? She might sell you some story just like she sold the story about being busy all the time. And by going up to her you signal the fact that you were hurt or upset by her actions -- if she was genuinely busy and is still attracted to the poster -- being cornered over this is going to kill his chances if there are any left. I really think the best COA in this situation is to move on and act like it ain't no thang.

You deserve to respect yourself and go out there and find someone who respects your time. The less time you spend trying to seek out someone and make them feel bad (even by "killing them with kindness" or what have you) is more time you can spend seeking out someone who will be good to you.

We're clearly of two different opinions and that's fine. I once thought the way you did (I'm still not saying you're wrong, so please don't think I'm trying to ram my stance down your gob) but I realized I wasted too much time chasing down dead ends rather than blazing new trails.
 
Why feel like you deserve an explanation? Getting an explanation is out of your control. Even if you confronted this girl, who's to say you'd even get a straight answer? She might sell you some story just like she sold the story about being busy all the time. And by going up to her you signal the fact that you were hurt or upset by her actions -- if she was genuinely busy and is still attracted to the poster, being cornered over this is going to kill his chances if there are any left. I really think the best COA in this situation is to move on and act like it ain't no thang.

You deserve to respect yourself and go out there and find someone who respects your time. The less time you spend trying to seek out someone and make them feel bad (even by "killing them with kindness" or what have you) is more time you can spend seeking out someone who will be good to you.

We're clearly of two different opinions and that's fine. I once thought the way you did (I'm still not saying you're wrong, so please don't think I'm trying to ram my stance down your gob) but I realized I wasted too much time doing this.

I never said he needs to go to the girl. He deserves an explanation because he was stood up, the girl owes him one. He should not seek it out, but listen if she came up to him, then make her feel like shit and go along his merry way.
 
See, many guys have sex for status - that's part of the reason, in case any ladies were wondering - that slut shaming exists. It proves something to your friends and you get to brag - the harder to get is the more status you gain from it.
I guess im different from other guys. I don't give a crap about status. Besides, i don't have many people to brag to. Not that they would care me finally getting 1 girl at 28 while they've been with 50.

Now, on to your question. Why is it bad? I have two reasons:

1) If you're doing this for purpose/ego boost (evidently you are, as you "don't particularly want to be a virgin when you hit 40"), then any sort of sex you pay for doesn't help. In the end, it's sex that you paid for with people who will pretty much fuck anyone. It won't mean anything, and the good old fashioned way (not paying) is pretty much the only way to do that. Losing your virginity to an escort won't do much for you mentally/socially. I mean, technically you could do that a lot and end up good at it thereby gaining confidence but still.
I think it would help because you no longer have that virginity hanging on your head. And for people who never been contact with a girl, not even a kiss, im sure it'll help with confidence a little. Yeah she fucked anyone and everyone, but so do regular girls. =)

2) Making a connection with another person. Some people may not care about that, and I can dig that, but there's something to be said about finding and having sex with someone who wants to have sex with you for something other than your money. Or more simply, when you work to catch your fish, it tastes much better (or so I've heard :().

Obviously this way isn't working hence the escort. Of course we all want companionship but alot of guys just aren't as lucky as the rest. And my luck has ran out. If i would of just got with those girls i had a chance with when i was younger i don't think i would be in this situation right now. :(

FML.

EDIT-

In the end, it's sex that you paid for with people who will pretty much fuck anyone.

Actually this is not true. I was surprised to find out that most of the girls are very selective.
 
You know, usually I say "no" to prostitute issues, but given what you've written here and everything, I say what the hell, pay yourself like three prostitutes and then report.
 
Girl sent me a txt message pic of her yesterday! Not nude, but I thought it was cool since that's never happened to me before and it made me feel cool.

And that's my report for what happened this weekend! University starts next week and while I go to a commuter college, I'm hoping for some of my friends who go there to invite me to those parties!
 
Girl sent me a txt message pic of her yesterday!

Niiiiiiiiiiiice

Not nude, but I thought it was cool

HMAPy.gif
 
Remember, as long as you're just looking at the positive, then there really is no negative. And if you are a silly and keep thinking of negative things, then just think about positive things again! You can do anything you want, no matter who you are or what you look like.

How am I doing?

EDIT:

Of course life must be shit when you hate yourself.

Stop hating yourself! You should love yourself and others will automatically pick up on that and then love you!

How am I doing? Pretty good, right!?
 
Remember, as long as you're just looking at the positive, then there really is no negative. And if you are a silly and keep thinking of negative things, then just think about positive things again! You can do anything you want, no matter who you are or what you look like.

How am I doing?

EDIT:



Stop hating yourself! You should love yourself and others will automatically pick up on that and then love you!

How am I doing? Pretty good, right!?

It sounds like you need counseling

Oh and maybe the reason you're not getting laid is because you act like an insufferable twat
 
Remember, as long as you're just looking at the positive, then there really is no negative. And if you are a silly and keep thinking of negative things, then just think about positive things again! You can do anything you want, no matter who you are or what you look like.

How am I doing?

EDIT:



Stop hating yourself! You should love yourself and others will automatically pick up on that and then love you!

How am I doing? Pretty good, right!?

Guise why doesnt Izick get laid
 
can negative people here explain me what it the practical use of being negative? Negative is bringing you down, positive is keeping you up. So why being negative when you need to solve your problems?
 
can negative people here explain me what it the practical use of being negative? Negative is bringing you down, positive keeps you up. So why being negative when you need to solve your problems?

It's a coping mechanism to blame others for their inadequacies.
 
It's a coping mechanism to blame others for their inadequacies.

but sometimes people CAN be blamed for their inadequacies. Like an abusive father/mother/classmates and so on.

it's not a reason to remain negative though because being negative only slows you down. This is pretty evident in this thread.
 
Your problems are fixable, Dan, but not by shelling out some cash to have your Virgin label scraped off; you need to stop hating yourself and viewing your position as untenable, because it's not.

I don't think I view my position as untenable? Certainly once I've paid my loan off, I will be in a position to buy things I want and have a social life. It might even be possible before then, just not right at the moment as I already committed funds from now up until Christmas to various other stuff - which I agree may have been an error, since it doesn't leave any for socialising, but I'm not prepared to change plans at this point.

As for hating myself... I don't know, I think "hate" is a strong word. I'll admit I'm not particularly happy with my life right now.. ever since I had to move in June, the only social opportunities I've had have been when someone has invited me to something, and also the anime con I went to this month (and I did actually manage to do a bit more social stuff at that than in previous years... just it didn't involve women :/)
 
but sometimes people CAN be blamed for their inadequacies. Like an abusive father/mother/classmates and so on.

it's not a reason to remain negative though because being negative only slows you down. This is pretty evident in this thread.

It's really one of the reasons I don't post much in here anymore.
 
Let me step in and say

Confidence is king. Confidence is absolute.

Without confidence, you're not going anywhere. You won't know how many women, in any given day, are thinking you look interesting/fun/handsome until you exercise some confidence and simply talk to them. It's stupidly easy and frustratingly hard at the same time, we know.

Confidence is something we in here can try to suggest that you learn, but no amount of reading about it will teach it to you. You're going to have to crash and burn horribly at first. But, if you're staying positive, you'll learn that things get way easier with practise. Rejection will sting less and less because you'll be getting more confident. Break-ups will hurt less and less because you'll be confident in your ability to find another woman, with time.

Another shape confidence takes is being comfortable alone, being a single man. You don't need a woman, you don't need to have sex, you don't need a companion. Realise that these are wants rather than needs or necessities. Learn to have fun with friends and by yourself when you're single. Remember that your life is your own to live and that comparing yourself to others with partners or having lots of success with women isn't going to help you if you're stressing over it. So, be confident and kick ass when you're single. This is a necessity.

Confidence is king. Confidence is absolute.

Is the dumbest, most unhelpful trash that is constantly repeated on the internet. For the life of me I never know why it is never explained how you should go about obtaining confidence. You do not just magically spark confidence, confidence is an entirely natural thing. If you have no confidence then a 'positive attitude' alone is not going to help you, if anything it's going to straight up destroy you. These types of posts are more harmful than helpful, they implicitly convince people that all of their obstacles are mental ones, and so when they inevitably cannot overcome those impossible obstacles, they end worse off than where they started.

Confidence is what you feel when you believe in yourself, the only way you're going to believe in yourself is by doing good shit to yourself. I mean come on, look at this Scientifically. No I mean actually Scientifically. You are 100% a product of your environment, so if you're going through a shit period then it's because of how the things around you are affecting you physically and mentally. What are these things? What you consume is a major player in how you're going to live your life, so cut the shit. Also, exercise is one of the most important things anyone can do for themselves to improve their quality of life, it is tip top up there. Get the fundamentals right

- Exercise Daily
- Eat Healthily
- Learn Lots of things, Read on diverse topics
- Invest in good clothes
- Commit Yourself to something

Are the only things you should be thinking about, this is the shit that gives you confidence. Not a post from someone on the internet. Honestly, I cannot emphasise enough how complete and utterly atrocious these posts are, they are shambolic, misleading, harmful, disastrous and a complete utter disgrace to the entire species. Remove it from the OP and ban anyone who repeats it.
 
Honestly, I cannot emphasise enough how complete and utterly atrocious these posts are, they are shambolic, misleading, harmful, disastrous and a complete utter disgrace to the entire species. Remove it from the OP and ban anyone who repeats it.

but these posts do not contradict with:

- Exercise Daily
- Eat Healthily
- Learn Lots of things, Read on diverse topics
- Invest in good clothes
- Commit Yourself to something
 
Now that's a fucking post, Conor.

That's something I've always disliked, is that people just say "oh be more confident," or "oh be more positive," but they never explain any of that shit, and they never explain how to actually do that shit. The words basically become meaningless, because there's nothing to back them up with.

Good stuff.
 
Now that's a fucking post, Conor.

That's something I've always disliked, is that people just say "oh be more confident," or "oh be more positive," but they never explain any of that shit, and they never explain how to actually do that shit. The words basically become meaningless, because there's nothing to back them up with.

Good stuff.
How were the five things listed some sort of mystery?
 
Now that's a fucking post, Conor.

That's something I've always disliked, is that people just say "oh be more confident," or "oh be more positive," but they never explain any of that shit, and they never explain how to actually do that shit. The words basically become meaningless, because there's nothing to back them up with.

Good stuff.

Definitely agree with this. It's a little unfortunate that most of the things suggested as ways to improve confidence require money though. I guess exercising doesn't cost anything unless you do it at a gym, but healthy food is expensive as are good clothes.
 
How were the five things listed some sort of mystery?

They weren't. Unlike other posts though, there was actual substance there, whether easily known or not. Usually it's just saying "be more confident." Be more confident...in what? In life? In yourself? In what you do? How does one simply "become more confident," in these things in the first place?

The post I quoted doesn't answer all, or even most of these questions, but at least it's a start. It's better than just telling someone to do something that is intangible and obtuse in its very nature.
 
How were the five things listed some sort of mystery?

I didn't see the two most important ones (diet and exercise) in the OP. These need to be emphasised and emphasised again, there is nothing in the world more important than these two things. They are the prime basis of our quality of life.

Definitely agree with this. It's a little unfortunate that most of the things suggested as ways to improve confidence require money though. I guess exercising doesn't cost anything unless you do it at a gym, but healthy food is expensive as are good clothes.

Fruit and Veg isn't expensive, it also works well if you completely eradicate any junk food (which is what I've been working to do lately). Meat is the hardest thing, but you can totally supplement that with protein, and just focus on getting the rest of your protein from other sources.
 
You aren't gonna do any of the things required to self-improvement without some positivity. If you are constantly whinning about how much you suck in order to get some pity you're never going to move your ass to help yourself, which is why Positivity and Confidence are the first step, the obvious first step. No one has ever said the moment you are confident you are instantly gonna get laid. Then again, if you need to explain this, and what "be more confident" means, well, maybe you should stop trying to get laid.

But whatever, keep blaming women and jerkasses and your ugliness and shit and wonder how much pussy you'd be getting if you had been born with the charisma of RDJr and the body of Chris Hemsworth.
 
I agree confidence is highly important but you need to have something to be confident ABOUT. A trigger or a change from something which failed before to be confident about. A reason to believe that next time it will be better, and it's that belief which brings confidence. That's what I've found anyway. Every date I've been on, I think about what didn't maybe go so well in the past and plan out how to avoid it, so like talking about work too much, thinking about subjects I know she would actually find interesting, etc. You then go into the date with confidence.

The whole thing of 'just carry on doing what your doing but be confident' is dumb as fuck though. Its like having a car with no brakes, then driving at 200mph and thinking 'it will actually stop when I press the brake if I'm confident about it!!', no you'll crash and burn. You have to set up the brakes, and THEN you'll have the confidence that the car will stop BECAUSE you set up the brakes...
 
But nothing, they're both useless and harmful. That's by definition bad advice, get rid of it. Ban anyone who defends it.

ok

But whatever, keep blaming women and jerkasses and your ugliness and shit and wonder how much pussy you'd be getting if you had been born with the charisma of RDJr and the body of Chris Hemsworth.

but RDJr doesn't live a healthy life. How can he be confident? HOW? People in this thread need to know.
 
You aren't gonna do any of the things required to self-improvement without some positivity. If you are constantly whinning about how much you suck in order to get some pity you're never going to move your ass to help yourself, which is why Positivity and Confidence are the first step, the obvious first step. No one has ever said the moment you are confident you are instantly gonna get laid. Then again, if you need to explain this, and what "be more confident" means, well, maybe you should stop trying to get laid.

But whatever, keep blaming women and jerkasses and your ugliness and shit and wonder how much pussy you'd be getting if you had been born with the charisma of RDJr and the body of Chris Hemsworth.

Solid advice there. Holy shit, I mean come on. See this is what I mean. There's no knowledge given, just empty advice telling you to become more [insert emotion/feeling here], and if you don't know how to do that, then just fuck off. I mean, that's basically the gist of it, no?
 
Conor, I'm not even saying this to be snippy, but I totally nominate you for OT4.

I don't disagree with what you're saying, but I feel that I've said a lot of what you were suggesting but you seemed to have blasted past all of that and only focused on the confidence bit.

Perhaps I was too verbose and some streamlining would be beneficial.

Also, the OP itself isn't going to solve all of your problems. Use it as a springboard to drum up conversation in this thread. Real conversation instead of self-pity. If someone tells you to simply be more confident and then waltzes away without elaborating, yes, make your mind up about them being someone spitting empty advice and be done with listening to them. Also, NeoGAF doesn't have to be your only source for self-improvement and/or dating advice.
 
Solid advice there. Holy shit, I mean come on. See this is what I mean. There's no knowledge given, just empty advice telling you to become more [insert emotion/feeling here], and if you don't know how to do that, then just fuck off. I mean, that's basically the gist of it, no?
What do you want confidence for? Holy fuck. Work out, learn shit, get on a diet, whatever, but you're not going to keep at it, you're not going to be good at it, if you don't at least have some positivity all your effort is going to be worth it. What's that called? Positivity and Confidence. I mean are you for real? You aren't going to improve if you don't think you can. Thinking you can improve doesn't mean improving. How does this thread have 330 pages and this is still something people don't understand?


Holy fuck. Next time someone will ask how to eat a steak and when someone says "Forks" are you gonna cry because people just say "Forks" and not how to use them?
 
Solid advice there. Holy shit, I mean come on. See this is what I mean. There's no knowledge given, just empty advice telling you to become more [insert emotion/feeling here], and if you don't know how to do that, then just fuck off. I mean, that's basically the gist of it, no?

ok, Izick

-do you eat healthily?
-do you exercise a lot?
-do you read a lot?
-do you have a good wardrobe?
-are you commited to something? do you have some major goal in your life?
 
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