Whelp, 2016 has been a bit of a sh*tshow, but I think therell be a couple of pleasant surprises at PSX to help end the year on a positive. Here are my predictions:
World Governments are on high alert. The previous PSX showcases in
2014 and
2015 caused the net population of the world to halve, with PlayStation Hype accounting for more deaths than Spanish Flu, both World Wars and pre-strap Wii-motes combined.
NATO, the Russian Federation and the Peoples Republic of China have all scrambled jets. The WHO has stockpiled anti-hype syringes, and America is frantically building a wall encasing Anaheim to prevent any hype from illegally entering the rest of the country.
The lights dim in the theatre and humanity once more plunges itself onto the brink of hype-induced cataclysm.
- Shawn Layden walks onto the stage wearing a Jet Motto shirt, the absolute madman. An audience members face melts like hes just seen the arc of the covenant. Some people just cant handle hype.
- Welcome PlayStation Nation! Shawn beams to rapturous applause. Weve a lot of great announcements lined up for you, so lets get this party started.
- The SCEA logo appears on screen, before cutting to a photo-realistic establishing shot of Prague. The detail as the camera pans down busy city streets is phenomenal. There is some radio chatter as a woman and a gruff man banter, she laying into him about being too old to be back out in the field, he joking that hes been doing this since before she was born. The camera focuses in on a van. Okay, target in sight says the woman as the vans rear doors open and a man emerges. Are you sure youre ready for this Gabe? she asks as Logan turns to face the camera. Lets find out Lian he says, cocking his gun as the Syphon Filter logo appears on screen.
- The audience screams in disbelief, but theres no time to dwell on this amazing reveal; the Naughty Dog logo appears on screen. Footage shows Chloe being sent back in time by a mystical artefact, and teaming up with swarthy young Victor Godamn Sullivan to find a path back to the present. Its the greatest ever combination of videogame characters, and the four solid minutes of quality arse jokes has the audience experiencing nirvana.
- Todd Howard takes the stage. Armed Bethesda goons file down the aisles, blindfolding everyone from an accredited media source. The public gets to experience this trailer first! he declares menacingly. Dramatic orchestral music accompanies a sweeping montage of stunning landscapes. A voiceover mentions prophecy, unfinished business and coming home. The landscape shows giant tree-sized mushrooms, as a characterjankily animatedwalks to a precipice and surveys all before him. Oh sh*t, its the Nerevarine! Were going back to Morrowind! A lady wearing a shirt that reads My other car is a Silt Strider grabs at her heart as her pupils widen to the size of saucepans. Her mind breaks free of the shackles of linear space and time. She is everywhere and nowhere; she is simultaneously on Mars building a castle of sand and in the Anaheim Convention Centre foaming at the mouth and voiding her bowels.
- The theatre is filled with the deafening roar of a harrier jump jet. Is a new COD about to be announced? Will we finally see Ace Combat footage? Is NATO putting a stop to the conference? No, someone has powered on a PS4 Pro as Cerny takes the stage. Yelling over the PS4 Pros fans Cerny talks about the power of the Scorpio, about how it leaves the Pro in the dust. The audience shifts in their seats nervously, this unexpected mea culpa catching them off guard. Cerny apologises for failing PlayStation gamers, and bows as he declares were so sorry. A second passes that feels like a lifetime, before Cerny raises his eyes and flashes his Grinchs grin.
.or are we? A giant switch emerges from the stage which Cerny enthusiastically pulls, sending lightning bolts flying out of the theatre and across the globe. All PS4 Pros have now had their true power unlocked. 120 FPS, 8k resolution, 6.0GHz, 95 terabyte SSD Hardrive, and a whisper quiet fan! A man watching the stream at home has expelled so much energy through hype that he needs to fry up some eggs to replenish enough calories to watch the rest of the stream. He plates up the eggs and reaches for the salt, but the shaker is empty. The salt is gone, as all of the worlds salt is now in Redmond Washington.
- Back at the theatre Secret Agent man plays over the PA as Phil Harrison emerges from behind the curtain. Hes replacing Adam Boyes as head of Publisher and Developer Relations, and has a special treat for PlayStation fans. A trailer begins to play of a sun-drenched neon city. The music, the clothes, the style; theyre all more out of date than Nintendo Switch 3rd party support. A cigar boat races into view being driven by Tommy Vercetti. Holy Hell, its GTA Vice City 2! Exclusive to PS4 and available for download right now!
- Phil shows off footage of Mass Effect Andromeder, Destiny 2, For Honour and Red Dead Redemption, all of which are now PS4 exclusive, and all available for download RIGHT NOW!
- The stage begins to shake violently from hype tremors. Engineers attempt to download a stability update, but using the PSN it has an ETA of 17 hours. The show presses on without it.
- A circle of flames appears on stage, slowly widening to reveal a portal to another dimension. A cloak-wrapped being steps through the portal onto the stage. Stunned silence grips the theatre before the figure throws off their cloak and greets the audience; Oh snap; its Shuhei time. Yoshida starts off proceedings with blistering footage of a new Wipeout game, so fast that only players with precognition will be able to master cornering. Every single audience member gasps in unison, filling their lungs and completely emptying the room of breathable air. As they exhale and release a mass of carbon dioxide, oxygen masks descend from the ceiling and the theatres pilot turns on the seatbelt sign. Strap yourselves in folks; sh*t just got real.
- Shuhei mentions a game very close to his heart, with the Last Guardians symbol displaying on screen. The audience is hyperventilating at the prospect of another delay. I understand your frustration with the various delays to this game, but we had very good reasons. I can confirm that The Last Guardian will indeed release on Tuesday the 6th of December 2016 Shuhei declares proudly to the delight and screams of the crowd. And Im pleased to announce that the Last Guardian 2 will release one day later on Wednesday the 7th of December 2016. Three people in the front row die instantly. Later autopsies will suggest that all three died of massive heroin overdoses, with investigators baffled by the complete lack of injection marks or any trace of heroin in the bloodstream.
- Shuhei shows of new footage of Horizon, Days Gone, Detroit, GT Sport and God of War. Kevin Feige joins Shuhei to talk about the upcoming Spiderman movie. They show some impressive clips from the film tha-
.hang on
.no, they couldnt have
.oh my GLOB its in-game footage of Insomniacs Spiderman game! Indistinguishable from actual film footage, the game is smooth as silk and a visual tour de force, and its available for download RIGHT NOW! The audiences pants tingle with spidey senses, and large swaths of men and women prematurely fire off their web shooters so to speak.
- A marching band plays Hail to the Chief as President-elect Donald Trump takes the stage. I have a confession to make to you PlayStation Nation he begins amid a hail of boos, I have not been entirely honest with you. He dramatically tears off his orange mask to reveal a grinning Kaz Hirai. The boos instantly transform into shrill screams of joy. Lets make gaming great again! Forget the Playstation Nation, its time for us to create Planet PlayStation!
- Around the world heads of state tear off their masks to reveal that they too are Kaz Hirai. The members of the audience follow suit, as do the viewers at home; we are all Kaz, and Kaz is us. There is no more division, no left or right, no gender, no sexuality, no race, no religion. There is no hatred; there is only love; only Kaz.
- Kaz addresses the other Kazes present. Before you leave to embark upon this glorious new world order, we have one last announcement to make! Someone in the audience screams out "oh God, here it comes; Devil May Cry 5!!!" Kaz scoffs, tells them to stop being utterly ridiculous, before tearing off his mask to reveal he was Gaben all along! Half Life 3 is PS4 exclusive, VR compatible and available for download RIGHT NOW!
The first post on Neogaf after the show derails the thread by whining about the ludo-narrative-dissonance of having Logan bantering before undertaking a mission to kill people.
