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[Pete the Ferret]

Soooo, I'll try to keep it brief but it'll probably turn out long AF

I help run a FB Singles group which encompasses 4 counties (UK). During lockdowns I used to run a regular Friday Night Zoom party for members. In January this Polish girl joined the group, started joining the Zooms and every week (normally because she'd had some wine) she couldn't figure out how to join, so she she'd message me.

From there we started talking more and more, until it became private WhatsApp video calls, messages daily etc.

Eventually we arranged to meet up for real (we live 54 miles apart and she doesn't drive). She invited me to hers for Easter Sunday champagne breakfast. As soon as she opened the front door I thought "wow!" We hit it off immediately, it was just like a continuation of the Zooms, messages etc.

From there we started seeing each other every couple of weeks, then every weekend once she felt comfortable to introduce me to her 5 Yr old son.

In June, we decide to do the FB official thing. We have a fair few mutual friends (from the FB group) and they all say we match perfectly. We get on like a house on fire, i really fall in love with her, she the same with me, I get on great with her son (who tells me he loves me too)...all going amazing, planned futures together, moving in, having a baby...you get the idea.

Fast forward to the Bank Holiday Monday at the end of August...she texts me out the blue saying can we just be friends!

Naturally I'm devastated, she doesn't want to talk, just says she's realised she is not in the right place to be in a relationship etc...all through texts...i ask for my belongings back that are at hers, each time I ask she makes an excuse why she can't give them to a mutual friend or whatever... whole week goes by and its her Sons 6th birthday.

She thanks me for his gift I sent, her texts completely change and for a whole week it's darling this, darling that, i need to sort my head out, I miss you etc.

Another week passes...suddenly the texts are cold, one line, no kisses... Eventually I tell her (rather than ask as before) that I'm collecting my belongings, I drive over that evening and collect from her next door Neighbour and our mutual friend.

Go forward another week and it's my birthday, i receive a card from her, a pop up card with photos on it she took and exploding confetti. I also get a text from her at 1am on my birthday saying she wanted to be the first to give birthday wishes.

Go forward now to last weekend...

Friday evening I go to her town to meet some friends (that she knows) for a drink at the pub. One of them posts a photo of us all on FB...she sees it, posts a photo of her around her neighbour (our mutual friend) with a sarky comment...i end up storming round and saying that we need that face to face talk.

We go back to her house, talk until 4am...she tells me a number of times that she's in love with me but still doesn't want a relationship.

All that while we are getting off with each other, then sleep together and I eventually leave at 11am the next day. Mindfuck!!

I should point out that she is mid 30s, I'm mid 40s so we're not exactly teenagers but I really don't know what to make of it all. Known each other for 10 months, dated since April...lets just hope that last weekend doesn't end up in her becoming pregnant as that'll be the real twist

Thoughts wise people of NeoGaf???

I know some will say forget about her etc...easier said than done as I do still really love her

 

[TheDreadBaron]

Is she boning the neighbor?

 

[MachRc]

The thread registers on the horny level at 6.9.

Sounds like you have it going on, maybe she is open to dating others and you should be be too.
Just have fun, dont put all your eggs(heart) in one basket and be open to dating others (without posting it on FB)

I hope it works out for you! If not just keep her as a "friend"

 

[Punished Miku]

My advice is to commit to this as little as possible. Don't allow yourself to invest emotionally in this. Don't allow yourself to expect this to be a thing. She's way too flaky. Whatever you do, don't fall in love with her.

All that while we are getting off with each other, then sleep together and I eventually leave at 11am the next day. Mindfuck!!

...easier said than done as I do still really love her

Enjoy the fun parts, and don't allow yourself to be hurt by the rest. Keep looking for other options and just have fun.

If she ever wants to make it more serious, she will. You're obviously willing and she's just being a complete flake.

 

[Pete the Ferret]

Is she boning the neighbor?

Ha no definitely not, the neighbour is a lady and neither are that way inclined

 

[GloveSlap]

Once someone pulls the rug out like that it will be hard to feel comfortable and trust that she won't do it again.

 

[Pete the Ferret]

The thread registers on the horny level at 6.9.

Sounds like you have it going on, maybe she is open to dating others and you should be be too.
Just have fun, dont put all your eggs(heart) in one basket and be open to dating others (without posting it on FB)

I hope it works out for you! If not just keep her as a "friend"

It's weird, she says she doesn't want to date anyone. Maybe that's true, maybe it's not.

I think last weekend may be the last time we see each other...it's difficult to know. As soon as I turned up she was all over me and she instigated the walk upstairs to the bedroom. The sex has always been incredible and that night was no different.

I just don't understand how she can keep saying she is in love with me (and it was said with such passion) and yet can't do a relationship.

 

[Pete the Ferret]

Once someone pulls the rug out like that it will be hard to feel comfortable and trust that she won't do it again.

I agree. When she said before that her head is messed up, doesn't know what she wants etc I did say to her she needs to be 100% if we get back together as I cannot go through that heartbreak again...it really ripped me apart

 

[haxan7]

Need a tldr BRO

I read it and all I can say is get the fuck out as soon as you can.

 

[Pete the Ferret]

My advice is to commit to this as little as possible. Don't allow yourself to invest emotionally in this. Don't allow yourself to expect this to be a thing. She's way too flaky. Whatever you do, don't fall in love with her.


Enjoy the fun parts, and don't allow yourself to be hurt by the rest. Keep looking for other options and just have fun.

If she ever wants to make it more serious, she will. You're obviously willing and she's just being a complete flake.

Trouble is, i already did fall in love with her...really deeply

 

[Punished Miku]

Trouble is, i already did fall in love with her...really deeply

Then you're at her mercy, and she'll either lead you off a cliff while you buy her presents until you hit the bottom, or she'll change her mind and it'll work out. But you won't have much of anything to protect you other than just luck. So good luck!

Also, from a purely pragmatic point of view - sometimes women who pull away like that are only attracted when you actually finally pull away. When you keep smothering them, they just never find it interesting. And then you finally give up and they want you back. If you can control your impulse to fall in love and keep things on your terms, there's a small chance it might actually work and make her want you more. You just never know really. It's all a game.

 

[Maiden Voyage]

Trouble is, i already did fall in love with her...really deeply

This is how you become a cuck.

 

[MachRc]

It's weird, she says she doesn't want to date anyone. Maybe that's true, maybe it's not.

I think last weekend may be the last time we see each other...it's difficult to know. As soon as I turned up she was all over me and she instigated the walk upstairs to the bedroom. The sex has always been incredible and that night was no different.

I just don't understand how she can keep saying she is in love with me (and it was said with such passion) and yet can't do a relationship.

If ya really love her pete, and I am a sucker for love just like you.

Maybe give it some time, like a few days, and be honest and share your feelings with her exactly how you told us.
That you have been trying your best to be positive about giving it a chance with her and her son, but that you have to hold back because of her indecisive language..
That you're willing to take it to the next step and do anything to show her that you are willing to work with her regarding what is holding her up..

Share this feeling and ask how she feels truly and see if you can focus on that difficult part of the relationship you are having with.
Be prepared.

Its early enough that another woman's embrace may make you forget easily.
Dont put so much pressure on yourself, but yes try and see if you can talk to her about how you feel and maybe you can find happiness
or even closure.


edit:

at worst pete, keep her around as a "friend" keep in touch and be a silly goose.
re-align your heart, be open to possibilities all while maybe seeing her every other month for a fun date. Less serious, more fun.
It probably sounds difficult, but I would like for you to be in a relationship where she felt as much love and passion for you as you feel for her.

 

[FunkMiller]

Not saying this is your case, but when women blow hot and cold like this it usually means there’s somebody else, and they can’t decide who they want. Hence the mixed signals. Those are never good, and I’ve never known a relationship work out when there’s that much see-sawing going on. Sorry dude.

Wear those big boy pants and tell her you’re not going to be fucked around. Your cock and your heart might not like it now, but your sense of self worth sure as hell will down the Line.

 

[Javthusiast]

This is how you become a cuck.

 

[Coolwhhip]

 

[Pete the Ferret]

Then you're at her mercy, and she'll either lead you off a cliff while you buy her presents until you hit the bottom, or she'll change her mind and it'll work out. But you won't have much of anything to protect you other than just luck. So good luck!

Also, from a purely pragmatic point of view - sometimes women who pull away like that are only attracted when you actually finally pull away. When you keep smothering them, they just never find it interesting. And then you finally give up and they want you back. If you can control your impulse to fall in love and keep things on your terms, there's a small chance it might actually work and make her want you more. You just never know really. It's all a game.

I have made that very conscious decision. I last text her Monday morning and not since. Funnily enough as I write this she's literally just messaged me.

I think I'll give it until tomorrow to reply...

 

[gradient]

She's weighing other options but wants to keep you on the hook as a safety net.

Bail out.

 

[MachRc]

Im closing my eyes and picturing a hot polish mom

 

[Pete the Ferret]

She's weighing other options but wants to keep you on the hook as a safety net.

Bail out.

That's quite possibly what's happening. One thing I would say about her, in the time I did know her before we split, she was always very, sometimes overly honest. She's repeated that she's not interested in dating anyone, is not seeing anyone...I'm inclined to believe her but yeah who knows.

She's just messaged me about her Son who's apparently going to tell her a story before bed which involves Brussel sprouts and Princess Beatrix. Weird I know but she said she guessed it was a story I told him...he and I used to make up funny fairy tales about sprouts and Princess Beatrix...

Just a strange thing to tell me when she knows I really miss her son too

 

[Pete the Ferret]

Im closing my eyes and picturing a hot polish mom

That's not far off!

 

[Pete the Ferret]

That's not far off!

She had that cushion made for me

 

[IntentionalPun]

Sounds like she has another on again / off again relationship going on.. hence why she's hot/cold with you.

Bail my friend.

 

[Pete the Ferret]

Sounds like she has another on again / off again relationship going on.. hence why she's hot/cold with you.

Bail my friend.

Yes again, it could be that. I really don't know. Her neighbour Nicky (who I've known longer than her) would actually tell me if she saw anyone else there (she can't keep her mouth shut ) but she thinks she's just a bit messed up in the head...we will see

 

[IntentionalPun]

Yes again, it could be that. I really don't know. Her neighbour Nicky (who I've known longer than her) would actually tell me if she saw anyone else there (she can't keep her mouth shut ) but she thinks she's just a bit messed up in the head...we will see

Well either way this is all just too messy to me.

I get wanting to stick it out, but someone that wishy washy who can change on a dime could do it years later if you end up back together to0.

The trick in love life is to see yourself as an awesome person, a catch.. and if someone doesn't want that.. well.. that person is an idiot, and you shouldn't want an idiot. Or just.. if someone doesn't REALLY want you.. best thing to do is to move on IMO. If they come back and prove they want you, then.. so be it.. but she isnt' proving that right now is she?

 

[Star-Lord]

And people laugh at me for not wanting a relationship? This right here is the very reason. Too much drama and very little benefit. She sounds like a mindfuck. I’d honestly bail while you can. You’re in your 40s, bruh, you need stability, not insanity.

 

[FunkMiller]

She had that cushion made for me

 

[nush]

That's not far off!

Literal Beefeater Bear here.

 

[deathsaber]

Sounds either bi-polar or otherwise just not very "emotionally intelligent" to me.

I agree with a previous posters assessment. If you want to keep the "friendship" then keep on. Just don't fall too deep, and don't agree to take this too serious. Get whatever fun out of it you can, and accept it for what it is- a fun person to "fling" with, and keep other options open (and be up front about that- she doesn't want to commit, than neither should you.

And if you ultimately find that continuing this relationship hurts more than helps you, then its definitely time to cut ties.

 

[IntentionalPun]

And people laugh at me for not wanting a relationship? This right here is the very reason. Too much drama and very little benefit. She sounds like a mindfuck. I’d honestly bail while you can. You’re in your 40s, bruh, you need stability, not insanity.

Bro lol

I have an amazing marriage personally. Had other great relationships only a couple w/ any "drama" and that was something I exited quickly.

 

[Maiden Voyage]

Bro lol

I have an amazing marriage personally. Had other great relationships only a couple w/ any "drama" and that was something I exited quickly.

Tell me more.

 

[nush]

So summary, OP meets an Eastern European single mother that's ten years younger than him through Facebook. What could possibly go wrong?

I'm later to the topic and others can see this as well, she's monkeybranching right now. Depending on how well it's going with this guy(s) depends on how she reacts to your relationship.

She's not yours, it was just your turn.

 

[Star-Lord]

I have an amazing marriage personally. Had other great relationships only a couple w/ any "drama" and that was something I exited quickly.

But we’re discussing a particular relationship, which, in all honesty, sounds rather draining. I’m not saying there aren’t relationships that do work out and end happily, but OP’s is not one of them, and neither are my past experiences. Congrats on the successful marriage.

 

[Mossybrew]

Not saying this is your case, but when women blow hot and cold like this it usually means there’s somebody else, and they can’t decide who they want. Hence the mixed signals.

This was my first thought. There is almost certainly another dude in the picture that OP knows nothing about.

 

[nush]

This was my first thought. There is almost certainly another dude in the picture that OP knows nothing about.

It's not like she doesn't have experience finding men through the Internet either.

 

[West Texas CEO]

So summary, OP meets an Eastern European single mother...

 

[IntentionalPun]

But we’re discussing a particular relationship, which, in all honesty, sounds rather draining. I’m not saying there aren’t relationships that do work out and end happily, but OP’s is not one of them, and neither are my past experiences. Congrats on the successful marriage.

Well I consider some of my past relationships "successful" as well, in that.. I was happy during most of that time.. after all, i at least started those relationships for a reason.

Once you become unhappy; exit.. if the person causes you drama.. exit.

(also don't have kids)

Relationships don't have to last forever to be a "success", I think we need to re-define that concept. People change, you might change.. and relationships can change. Act accordingly.

 

[Star-Lord]

Well I consider some of my past relationships "successful" as well, in that.. I was happy during most of that time.. after all, i at least started those relationships for a reason.

Once you become unhappy; exit.. if the person causes you drama.. exit.

(also don't have kids)

Relationships don't have to last forever to be a "success", I think we need to re-define that concept. People change, you might change.. and relationships can change. Act accordingly.

True, I may be judging all relationships based on my own experiences, but that’s all I have to go by. My first ‘proper’ relationship was a toxic one where I was being mentally abused, and my last relationship - a good few years ago - ended when he tried to enforce coercive control over me. There were other relationships between those two, but as they were the most defining ones in my life, those are the two I relate to where relationships are concerned. It’s because of those two that I find it hard to trust people.

 

[IntentionalPun]

True, I may be judging all relationships based on my own experiences, but that’s all I have to go by. My first ‘proper’ relationship was a toxic one where I was being mentally abused, and my last relationship - a good few years ago - ended when he tried to enforce coercive control over me. There were other relationships between those two, but as they were the most defining ones in my life, those are the two I relate to where relationships are concerned. It’s because of those two that I find it hard to trust people.

Yeah and those situations happen for sure; I have one relationships I truly consider a non-success.. it was fairly toxic.. but I learned from it. Learned to not stay in unhappy relationships, learned what I was and wasn't willing to put up with/etc.

The one cliche I do agree with is you have to really have yourself figured out before your relationships will be truly "good." If you don't have a good handle of yourself, figure that out.

And if you are happy being single nothing wrong with that too!

But there are huge plus sides to a happy/fun relationship, at least for most people. But you need to define what that is for you personally

 

[West Texas CEO]

But you need to define what that is for you personally

Aye, establishing boundaries from the very beginning is a must.
And this goes for any kind of relationship, whether it be romantic, work-related, or whatever.

 

[Pete the Ferret]

It's not like she doesn't have experience finding men through the Internet either.

Again, there may well be another guy...although he certainly wasn't there this last weekend (her child free weekend).

She didn't meet her previous partner (the father of her son) through the Internet, that was through work. I'm her first "serious" relationship since her and her ex split over 3 years ago.

And yes, she's Eastern European but she's lived in the UK since she was 19 (15 years now), her son is British (as is the father who've I've met many times - he is in a happy relationship now).

Bipolar was mentioned...i have considered this a few times, she is on medication...she had thyroid problems since pregnancy and she admitted herself that that caused problems in her previous relationship which lead to it ending

 

[nush]

Again, there may well be another guy...although he certainly wasn't there this last weekend (her child free weekend).

She didn't meet her previous partner (the father of her son) through the Internet, that was through work. I'm her first "serious" relationship since her and her ex split over 3 years ago.

And yes, she's Eastern European but she's lived in the UK since she was 19 (15 years now), her son is British (as is the father who've I've met many times - he is in a happy relationship now).

Bipolar was mentioned...i have considered this a few times, she is on medication...she had thyroid problems since pregnancy and she admitted herself that that caused problems in her previous relationship which lead to it ending

I wouldn't go straight to a bi polar diagnosis, narcissism is on the table. Step one in the narcissist playbook is the love bombing, your just a year into this relationship so she could be trying to excerpt emotional manipulation right about now.

My money is still on other guy(s) and your discounting that just becuse she's not taking them home. Don't shit whee you eat and all that, he could have his own place or a hotel for the day is an option. I'm telling you this as someone who has in the past fucked other men's wives/girlfriends, they ALWAYS came to me or we'd get a hotel. Women are super discrete like that.

 

[Dr Bass]

This is straight forward, and it shocks me so many men still don't understand this. She's into another guy and is giving you a line. She wants you to not hate her (not because of you, women just don't like not being liked or people thinking ill of them), and she is basically lying to herself to assuage any guilt she should feel.

It's another guy. Period.

Just let her go. Or you could call her out on it and see how quickly the rage ramps up.

 

[Mistake]

Op, I’ll keep this short and sweet. When she says she doesn’t want to date anyone, that means she doesn’t see a future with you. It won’t matter how long you stay together, what you say, or what you do. The breakup will happen because you don’t fill whatever criteria she’s looking for. Save yourself the heartache.

Also, add me to the list of people in the thread who thinks you’re her side piece. She’s super flaky

 

[6502]

Soooo, I'll try to keep it brief but it'll probably turn out long AF

I help run a FB Singles group which encompasses 4 counties (UK). During lockdowns I used to run a regular Friday Night Zoom party for members. In January this Polish girl joined the group, started joining the Zooms and every week (normally because she'd had some wine) she couldn't figure out how to join, so she she'd message me.

From there we started talking more and more, until it became private WhatsApp video calls, messages daily etc.

Eventually we arranged to meet up for real (we live 54 miles apart and she doesn't drive). She invited me to hers for Easter Sunday champagne breakfast. As soon as she opened the front door I thought "wow!" We hit it off immediately, it was just like a continuation of the Zooms, messages etc.

From there we started seeing each other every couple of weeks, then every weekend once she felt comfortable to introduce me to her 5 Yr old son.

In June, we decide to do the FB official thing. We have a fair few mutual friends (from the FB group) and they all say we match perfectly. We get on like a house on fire, i really fall in love with her, she the same with me, I get on great with her son (who tells me he loves me too)...all going amazing, planned futures together, moving in, having a baby...you get the idea.

Fast forward to the Bank Holiday Monday at the end of August...she texts me out the blue saying can we just be friends!

Naturally I'm devastated, she doesn't want to talk, just says she's realised she is not in the right place to be in a relationship etc...all through texts...i ask for my belongings back that are at hers, each time I ask she makes an excuse why she can't give them to a mutual friend or whatever... whole week goes by and its her Sons 6th birthday.

She thanks me for his gift I sent, her texts completely change and for a whole week it's darling this, darling that, i need to sort my head out, I miss you etc.

Another week passes...suddenly the texts are cold, one line, no kisses... Eventually I tell her (rather than ask as before) that I'm collecting my belongings, I drive over that evening and collect from her next door Neighbour and our mutual friend.

Go forward another week and it's my birthday, i receive a card from her, a pop up card with photos on it she took and exploding confetti. I also get a text from her at 1am on my birthday saying she wanted to be the first to give birthday wishes.

Go forward now to last weekend...

Friday evening I go to her town to meet some friends (that she knows) for a drink at the pub. One of them posts a photo of us all on FB...she sees it, posts a photo of her around her neighbour (our mutual friend) with a sarky comment...i end up storming round and saying that we need that face to face talk.

We go back to her house, talk until 4am...she tells me a number of times that she's in love with me but still doesn't want a relationship.

All that while we are getting off with each other, then sleep together and I eventually leave at 11am the next day. Mindfuck!!

I should point out that she is mid 30s, I'm mid 40s so we're not exactly teenagers but I really don't know what to make of it all. Known each other for 10 months, dated since April...lets just hope that last weekend doesn't end up in her becoming pregnant as that'll be the real twist

Thoughts wise people of NeoGaf???

I know some will say forget about her etc...easier said than done as I do still really love her

She is banging others and thinks can get a better deal.

You can't fix crazy.


This is not your fault. But any time and effort you waste from now on is entirely on you. Don't waste time on broken or dishonest people.

 

[LiquidMetal14]

Rise it for what it is. I know you may be in midlife crisis mode wondering if your old ass can bag himself a younger hot piece of arse but not so fast my Irish son of a bitch.

Just ride it good for what it is. Enjoy the hot animal relations and if it's meant to be then you may get to have her on your will when you die.

Protect your peepee.

 

[nush]

 

[Slicker than your average]

You're defo the back up. How do I know? Because in the past 12 months I've unfortunately done this to a couple of girls.

You want them to still like you but don't want to commit to so you play the game. Just women are way better at it then men. You might not even be the back up and she might not even have another guy on the go; she's just waiting for the better offer and stringing you along until it comes.

It seems everytime you walk away or try to she comes running back. Just ignore her and look elsewhere

 

[dcll]

She is without a doubt seeing someone else and caught between you and someone else, maybe more than one. Get out and save yourself some heartache

 

[Reave]

Treat her like an FWB and get the whole entire fuck off of that creaky ass dating roller coaster.