Okaay, so I've long had a thought that has cropped up in my mind. I can be highly emotionally subdued, especially when trying to make sense of things. The thought just always made sense to me, if only because it seemed reasonable and consciensious. But I might have more emotional attatchment towards this unnattainable experience.
I've always felt it was a shame that we live our lives in relation to a singular experience. Now I don't believe in reincarnation but I've always thought it would be really nice I walk through life as a woman. I suppose I would call myself a cis male, I'll come back to this detail though. But at the same time I've always desired to step into the female experience. Not only to understand but also to experience and be. The thought was always framed less as a reincarnation but more as the desire to natural change at somepoint in ones lifes. Sort of what can be observed by some creatures in the animal kingdom. Maybe at some age everyone ends up swappiing genders, or maybe I was seeking more magical shift where my past experiences are still remembered as male, but everyone else sees and remembers me as always being female. Whatever it would take to authentically experience and be in this other human experience. I think it would be important to say that I'm not valuaing one gender role over the other, I greatly value the male experience and what I've learned from it.
This morning was the second time in my life that I have awoken from a dream and had forgotten the waking world around me. Maybe 5 years ago I had a lucid dream that my father committed suicide (he didn't really) but It was a fear I had for a long time after my parents divorce. Spent what was probably a full hour thinking it had really happened, to me the dream I just had was some even that happened the evening before. What pulled me out was him actually calling me on the phone. I never mentioned to him that experience, but it was one of the most surreal things that had ever happened to me.
Well it happened again last night, and this is what made me accept a desire of mine that I long tried to rationalize an empathetic notion. Something that I had long thought about. In the dream I was essentially back in childhood and was a female version of myself. I had the hair I always thought was most pretty on girls. My dream consisted of me playing in my yard with my closest friends still today. I ended up coming in and taking a shower, looking at my face and playing with my hair. I looked like a cross between myself and a girl from my childhood that I always considered to be a second sister. I didn't think anything of it in my dream, It felt so right that this is who I am.
I awoke and for 20 minutes I was still living out this experience. I was totally entranced by it, thinking it was a childhood memory of mine and that I had merely grown older. There was no novalty about, I wasn't rushing to check out my knew female body. I thought it was just another mundane morning and that I had recalled a pleasent childhood memory. Then I looked in the mirror. I was completely taken back, and while I wasn't upset at what I saw. I was saddened that my waking experience so singular and unary. It reaffirmed my desire that I want to live out both the male and female perspectives. I'm fine with who I am, and I know that is more than what many non-cis people get. But I can't help ignore the dreaming to have both a cis-male and cis-female experience. It was pretty much the experience I had always been curious towards and excuse the pun, dreamed about. While this was more than I could ask for, It's it even more apparenty just how much this whole thing pulls me in and attracts me.
I really don't know what to think of this, I've never heard anyone else convey similiar longings. I don't want to put out false notions that I'm tortured over this, because I do value my one and only identy and self. But at the very core of who I am, I can see that part of me taking on different gendered self.