Torah Talk With Stro: Doodooronomy
Moses GIVES THE BUSINESS to the Jews for all their kvetching and arguing. Just flat out calls them out and how he didn't even ask for this shit and now he's not allowed to the promise land because of them. Then he devises a plan to get a leader from each group and let them settle shit themselves and only come to him when something is too big to settle.
While heading to the promise land, the Jews killed everyone in the cities of Jahaz. Men, women, and children. Then stole everything. Not even settling in them. Just killing everyone and pillaging. And Heshbon. And Bashan. And everywhere it seems. Just killing EVERYONE in their path. Jews were the 2002 Brock Lesnar of the Levant.
God gets ICE COLD with Moses. Moses begs to be let into the Promised Land. He's right there. God tells him to go climb a mountain and look around, because he can look but he can't touch.
Mo pretty much tells the Jews that, since he won't be around anymore, there is a pretty good chance they are going to act a fool and piss God off, but without Moses to calm him down. So good luck. Be prepared to be killed off and the remaining few scattered about the world. He rattles off the Ten Commandments one more time. And the rest of the rules and laws. Like...all of them.
We get some talk about the Seven Nation Army that the Jews beat and how they give no quarter, because God said so. Don't marry any of them. Kill 'em all and burn all their religious stuff. Then move in.
Mo basically gives a long guilt trip to the Jews, which conveniently acts as a great round up of the prior 4 books for the reader.
When the Jews take over all these places in Jordan and whatnot, they are not to ever just take over a holy place and convert it. They're supposed to tear that shit down and then build a new one wherever God decides. But this whole thing is actually from Moses and not God. It doesn't even say God told him to tell the Jews like the other books. I think Moses is going into business for himself on his last night with the company.
Apostasy is totally a part of Judaism, it just isn't named that. But I mean...if anyone you know ends up worshiping one of the gods of the area you've just conquered, be it mother/son/brother/friend, you are to kill them. Same concept. Actually, if a city has a lot of people doing that, you're supposed to kill everyone, all the cattle, and then destroy the city and never rebuilt it. That's actually more extreme than Islam.
Be kind to the needy, orphans, poors, homeless. Another thing the Chews and Mooslims have in common.
From the Jews will come another prophet, much like Moses. That is who they should follow. God will speak through that prophet and you'll know he is a real prophet because the things he says will come true. Which you could interpret as Jesus or Mohammed if you wanted, although Mo wasn't a Jew so that might be a tenuous link. Plus there were a lot of prophets between Moses and Mohammed anyway. There are like 400 of them, so who knows who it is talking about. I would say it is probably referring to Jesus, considering how similar the stories of Moses and Jesus were. Or any of the other 400. Who knows.
No cross dressing. That shit is an affront to God.
If you have two wives, and you don't like one of of them, but your first born son is from the one you don't like, the son of the unliked wife still gets the proper birthrights.
If a dude gets sick of his wife and claims that she wasn't a virgin, her parents have to prove she was a virgin. In public. And if they can prove she was, the husband gets flogged and had to pay money to the woman's parents. And stay married to her forever.
Fucking weird rape rules. If a dude rapes a woman in the city, both are given the death penalty: He for doing the raping, and her for not crying for help in the city. If the same thing happens out in the open/country, then only the man is punished. If a man rapes an unpledged virgin, he has to pay the girl's father and then they have to get married. Without the possibility of divorce.
If you are a man and you don't have a cock and/or balls, you aren't allowed into the congregation of God. Doesn't matter how you lost them.
Any warriors having wet dreams have to leave the camp, take a bath, and not return until the next night. It could be talking about pissing yourself as well. But fear not, there is a designated area for such things just outside the camp. This includes burying your shit. Basically, God will be around and coming through those camps and he doesn't want to step in piss, jizz, or shit.
Jews aren't allowed to charge interest against Jews (on anything, not just money related), but can for foreigners.
Newly married men get to stay out of the army for a year, so they can bang their wives a lot.
If two men are fighting and the wive of one grabs the other by the junk to help her man, you are to cut that bitch's hand off. "Show no pity."
If you don't follow these rules:
YWHA will let loose against you calamity, panic, and frustration in all the enterprises you undertake, so that you shall soon be utterly wiped out because of your evildoing in forsaking ME. YWHA will make pestilence cling to you, until putting an end to you in the land that you are entering to possess. YWHA will strike you with consumption, fever, and inflammation, with scorching heat and drought, with blight and mildew; they shall hound you until you perish. The skies above your head shall be copper and the earth under you iron. YWHA will make the rain of your land dust, and sand shall drop on you from the sky, until you are wiped out. YWHA will put you to rout before your enemies; you shall march out against them by a single road, but flee from them by many roads; and you shall become a horror to all the kingdoms of earth. Your carcasses shall become food for all the birds of the sky and all the beasts of the earth, with none to frighten them off. YWHA will strike you with the Egyptian inflammation, with hemorrhoids, boil-scars, and itch, from which you shall never recover.........it goes on like this for about 40 paragraphs. It's intense.
As Moses is about to die, God straight up tells him that all that shit is going to come true, because the Jews are already planning devious shit and to break the covenant. God is a dick. Not only did he ban Moses from the Promised Land, but on his death bed he tells him his life's work was a waste of time anyway. And it was a waste of time for God, too, because he knew this was all going to happen. SO WHY DIDN'T HE PICK A DIFFERENT PEOPLE? Fuck.
Final thoughts on Torah Talk:
God is a dick. What an asshole. I'm convinced he created humans just so he could tell someone to go fuck themselves. Then he picks the Jews as his favorite people. His Jeff Jarretts. Yet he keeps throwing terrible shit at them to "test" them (more like torturing them) and then threatens to kill them all when they complain about their shitty treatment. Which he also did to both them and the Egyptians. He made sure the Pharaoh's heart would harden at all of the plagues (which shows he can control the free will of humans if he wishes) just so he could throw MORE plagues out, which in turn made the treatment of the Jews even worse. But God didn't even like the Jews anyway. He hated them and wanted to kill them all, all the time, but only kept his promise because he swore an oath to Abraham/Isaac/Jacob/Joseph. Moses had to talk him down every time, because breaking his oath would mean no one would ever take him seriously again. But then he KNOWS the Jews are going to turn on him once they get to the Promised Land, and he's waiting for it because once they are there, the oath is done and he can kill them all like he's wanted to this whole time.
He forces Moses to be in charge of all the Jews, even though Moses wants nothing to do with it. Then, after doing this shit for like 80 years, God won't allow Moses to get to the Promised Land all because Moses was skeptical of water coming out of a rock, but did what he was told anyway. In fact, he let Moses get right to the border and LOOK AT IT, then had him die. Moses was his favorite human EVER. And that's how he treated him. Moses at one point asked God to kill him instead of force him into this burden. God didn't, forced him to keep it up, and then denied him right at the finish line. Fucking prick.
Lot of similarities between the Koran and Torah, even though the Torah is much smaller. It's only 5 books and not the entirety of the Old Testament. But most of the same rules, a God whole rules by fear more than love, a God quick to kill, a lead character who is best bros with God and also quick to kill.
Kind of sucks that the Torah stops right as the Jews get to the Promised Land. Seems like shit is just about to get real, too. Might have to go back and read the rest of the Old Testament sometime. Gospel Gossip With Stro will start sometime soon. There is like 80 pages of intro, background, and comparisons with the Gospel/Torah and Gospel/Koran. Plus I got some games to play.
Moses GIVES THE BUSINESS to the Jews for all their kvetching and arguing. Just flat out calls them out and how he didn't even ask for this shit and now he's not allowed to the promise land because of them. Then he devises a plan to get a leader from each group and let them settle shit themselves and only come to him when something is too big to settle.
While heading to the promise land, the Jews killed everyone in the cities of Jahaz. Men, women, and children. Then stole everything. Not even settling in them. Just killing everyone and pillaging. And Heshbon. And Bashan. And everywhere it seems. Just killing EVERYONE in their path. Jews were the 2002 Brock Lesnar of the Levant.
God gets ICE COLD with Moses. Moses begs to be let into the Promised Land. He's right there. God tells him to go climb a mountain and look around, because he can look but he can't touch.
Mo pretty much tells the Jews that, since he won't be around anymore, there is a pretty good chance they are going to act a fool and piss God off, but without Moses to calm him down. So good luck. Be prepared to be killed off and the remaining few scattered about the world. He rattles off the Ten Commandments one more time. And the rest of the rules and laws. Like...all of them.
We get some talk about the Seven Nation Army that the Jews beat and how they give no quarter, because God said so. Don't marry any of them. Kill 'em all and burn all their religious stuff. Then move in.
Mo basically gives a long guilt trip to the Jews, which conveniently acts as a great round up of the prior 4 books for the reader.
When the Jews take over all these places in Jordan and whatnot, they are not to ever just take over a holy place and convert it. They're supposed to tear that shit down and then build a new one wherever God decides. But this whole thing is actually from Moses and not God. It doesn't even say God told him to tell the Jews like the other books. I think Moses is going into business for himself on his last night with the company.
Apostasy is totally a part of Judaism, it just isn't named that. But I mean...if anyone you know ends up worshiping one of the gods of the area you've just conquered, be it mother/son/brother/friend, you are to kill them. Same concept. Actually, if a city has a lot of people doing that, you're supposed to kill everyone, all the cattle, and then destroy the city and never rebuilt it. That's actually more extreme than Islam.
Be kind to the needy, orphans, poors, homeless. Another thing the Chews and Mooslims have in common.
From the Jews will come another prophet, much like Moses. That is who they should follow. God will speak through that prophet and you'll know he is a real prophet because the things he says will come true. Which you could interpret as Jesus or Mohammed if you wanted, although Mo wasn't a Jew so that might be a tenuous link. Plus there were a lot of prophets between Moses and Mohammed anyway. There are like 400 of them, so who knows who it is talking about. I would say it is probably referring to Jesus, considering how similar the stories of Moses and Jesus were. Or any of the other 400. Who knows.
No cross dressing. That shit is an affront to God.
If you have two wives, and you don't like one of of them, but your first born son is from the one you don't like, the son of the unliked wife still gets the proper birthrights.
If a dude gets sick of his wife and claims that she wasn't a virgin, her parents have to prove she was a virgin. In public. And if they can prove she was, the husband gets flogged and had to pay money to the woman's parents. And stay married to her forever.
Fucking weird rape rules. If a dude rapes a woman in the city, both are given the death penalty: He for doing the raping, and her for not crying for help in the city. If the same thing happens out in the open/country, then only the man is punished. If a man rapes an unpledged virgin, he has to pay the girl's father and then they have to get married. Without the possibility of divorce.
If you are a man and you don't have a cock and/or balls, you aren't allowed into the congregation of God. Doesn't matter how you lost them.
Any warriors having wet dreams have to leave the camp, take a bath, and not return until the next night. It could be talking about pissing yourself as well. But fear not, there is a designated area for such things just outside the camp. This includes burying your shit. Basically, God will be around and coming through those camps and he doesn't want to step in piss, jizz, or shit.
Jews aren't allowed to charge interest against Jews (on anything, not just money related), but can for foreigners.
Newly married men get to stay out of the army for a year, so they can bang their wives a lot.
If two men are fighting and the wive of one grabs the other by the junk to help her man, you are to cut that bitch's hand off. "Show no pity."
If you don't follow these rules:
YWHA will let loose against you calamity, panic, and frustration in all the enterprises you undertake, so that you shall soon be utterly wiped out because of your evildoing in forsaking ME. YWHA will make pestilence cling to you, until putting an end to you in the land that you are entering to possess. YWHA will strike you with consumption, fever, and inflammation, with scorching heat and drought, with blight and mildew; they shall hound you until you perish. The skies above your head shall be copper and the earth under you iron. YWHA will make the rain of your land dust, and sand shall drop on you from the sky, until you are wiped out. YWHA will put you to rout before your enemies; you shall march out against them by a single road, but flee from them by many roads; and you shall become a horror to all the kingdoms of earth. Your carcasses shall become food for all the birds of the sky and all the beasts of the earth, with none to frighten them off. YWHA will strike you with the Egyptian inflammation, with hemorrhoids, boil-scars, and itch, from which you shall never recover.........it goes on like this for about 40 paragraphs. It's intense.
As Moses is about to die, God straight up tells him that all that shit is going to come true, because the Jews are already planning devious shit and to break the covenant. God is a dick. Not only did he ban Moses from the Promised Land, but on his death bed he tells him his life's work was a waste of time anyway. And it was a waste of time for God, too, because he knew this was all going to happen. SO WHY DIDN'T HE PICK A DIFFERENT PEOPLE? Fuck.
Final thoughts on Torah Talk:
God is a dick. What an asshole. I'm convinced he created humans just so he could tell someone to go fuck themselves. Then he picks the Jews as his favorite people. His Jeff Jarretts. Yet he keeps throwing terrible shit at them to "test" them (more like torturing them) and then threatens to kill them all when they complain about their shitty treatment. Which he also did to both them and the Egyptians. He made sure the Pharaoh's heart would harden at all of the plagues (which shows he can control the free will of humans if he wishes) just so he could throw MORE plagues out, which in turn made the treatment of the Jews even worse. But God didn't even like the Jews anyway. He hated them and wanted to kill them all, all the time, but only kept his promise because he swore an oath to Abraham/Isaac/Jacob/Joseph. Moses had to talk him down every time, because breaking his oath would mean no one would ever take him seriously again. But then he KNOWS the Jews are going to turn on him once they get to the Promised Land, and he's waiting for it because once they are there, the oath is done and he can kill them all like he's wanted to this whole time.
He forces Moses to be in charge of all the Jews, even though Moses wants nothing to do with it. Then, after doing this shit for like 80 years, God won't allow Moses to get to the Promised Land all because Moses was skeptical of water coming out of a rock, but did what he was told anyway. In fact, he let Moses get right to the border and LOOK AT IT, then had him die. Moses was his favorite human EVER. And that's how he treated him. Moses at one point asked God to kill him instead of force him into this burden. God didn't, forced him to keep it up, and then denied him right at the finish line. Fucking prick.
Lot of similarities between the Koran and Torah, even though the Torah is much smaller. It's only 5 books and not the entirety of the Old Testament. But most of the same rules, a God whole rules by fear more than love, a God quick to kill, a lead character who is best bros with God and also quick to kill.
Kind of sucks that the Torah stops right as the Jews get to the Promised Land. Seems like shit is just about to get real, too. Might have to go back and read the rest of the Old Testament sometime. Gospel Gossip With Stro will start sometime soon. There is like 80 pages of intro, background, and comparisons with the Gospel/Torah and Gospel/Koran. Plus I got some games to play.
