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Online Dating |OT| Please Respond
- Thread starter Jhoan
- Start date
I always think it's ironic when girls say don't just send they messages with "Hey" but then don't fill out their profile at all. What the fuck are people supposed to ask them?
Literally anything you want? At that point its a lot like talking to a girl at a bar. As long as the question isn't offensive, it's more about delivering it with confidence and being okay if you don't get a response. They'll respond to you if they want to. I've had success with something as simple as "pizza, tacos, or sushi?" One girl turned it into a weird game of marry-fuck-kill...
True Savior
Member
Don't assume it's getting serious though.
electricshake
Member
My bf is pescatarian, not really a problem. I just don't eat as much meat as I used to which is probably better for me and the environment. Veggie food is great, though I couldn't give up meat permanently. Don't think it has to be a big deal, unless they force it on you (and if you don't meet them, how will you know?)
The entire "don't just say hey" sends the same signal to me that profiles that say "I like to travel" or "I'm fluent in sarcasm" do. I've read it enough times that it comes off as just basic. Even though I almost never send that as a first message, and I'm sure they get a million "heys" that it has annoyed them to death, that's just how I perceive it when I read a profile that has it.
But in the event there's nothing on their profile to go with, just stop caring and send them anything that isn't generic.
When I did Okcupid 6 years ago this was how I filtered women. Because "I love cheeseburgers and bacon too much".
Now I filter by who wants to have kids one day. :-/
Blackquill
Member
Tips for the main photo for my Tinder profile ?
Something, something pose with an animal (usually a dog or cat) ; something, something black and white picture; something, something a solid selfie is what folks will tell you. The Tinder Reddit is pretty solid if you want to glean some advice there.
I haven't gotten much matches lately but my main picture is me posing by my polling site a few weeks ago with a four letter word to our president-elect scrawled on the building. What's your main picture if you can describe it?
Blackquill
Member
Me posing on a parc with a jacket on and it's sunny and i'm not looking directly and the camera but not totally ignore it. The photo covers half-body
For some reason I'm seriously contemplating contacting that "fish that got away" 6 months ago due to extreme nostalgia despite the fact we kinda agreed we were through and she even ghosted me for a bit before that.
Don't stop me GAF
Actually wait
Please stop me GAF
Shit please stop me it's late
Don't stop me GAF
Actually wait
Please stop me GAF
Shit please stop me it's late
For some reason I'm seriously contemplating contacting that "fish that got away" 6 months ago due to extreme nostalgia despite the fact we kinda agreed we were through and she even ghosted me for a bit before that.
Don't stop me GAF
Actually wait
Please stop me GAF
Shit please stop me it's late
I approve purely due to the use of a Hook gif.
I know the Dating-Age thread gets frustrated with people who ignore any advice given to them, but honestly I think that sometimes people need to make mistakes and get messy in order to become wiser. I'll use reverse psychology and say do it.For some reason I'm seriously contemplating contacting that "fish that got away" 6 months ago due to extreme nostalgia despite the fact we kinda agreed we were through and she even ghosted me for a bit before that.
Don't stop me GAF
Actually wait
Please stop me GAF
Shit please stop me it's late
On another note, I was once again reminded why I hate dating: chasing girls is not fun. I got lazy following up with the last girl I went out with. I used Thanksgiving Day as an excuse to contact her but got nothing. I'm more than likely going to move on since I didn't sleep with her on the first date. Since CMB ran me out of matches, I'm probably going to delete it and reboot it.
Some other girl who's number I gave on OKC wants to postpone meeting up to next week. It kind of sucks it since it will be nearly a month next week but I'm still interested. I haven't replied yet.
Lastly, I got matched up with a cute girl who lifts that went to my alma mater. The only problem is that she's 4'11'' versus me being 6'2''. While I don't really care about height at this point, I would at least prefer girls over 5 feet since I'm starting to understand how annoying it is to make out girls with below 5'8''.
Ended up meeting with the schizophrenia girl and it was without doubt the weirdest hookup ever.
I'll send the tall girls your way in exchange for the petite ones. #FiveSix
I'll send the tall girls your way in exchange for the petite ones. #FiveSix
Do tell! It doesn't have to be all the juicy details but enough to paint a good picture.
Hahaha, it sounds like a fair trade. I haven't gone out with a girl who nearly goes toe to toe with me in a few months. In fact, I welcome going out with girls taller than me but then they'll use the whole taller than thou on stilleto heels excuse. The tallest I've gone out with is 6'0'' and it was fun.
Woke up today and was like nah I'm good
Haha that's a feeling I don't know. All but one girl I've dated has been taller than me...but would still be shorter than you.
Girl today was short. I normally paint my online dates as "they were quirky and crazy!" but I was the weird one. I was super awkward - was cleaning my toilet while she's messaging me about be across the street. Gave her a high five when I met her. Was being completely ridiculous. She still did outdo me by reaking of cigarettes and going on a rant about "working with black people" that made me go "yikes".
My netflix also wasn't working so we HBO'd and chilled. She suggested we watch Cat House lol
We also both don't know our mutual facebook friend. We exchanged stories about how this random girl fb'd us. It was kind of hilarious.
Man oh man. That sounds like quite the date.
Feeling a bit down because I just can't seem to get anything going with anyone 
Now, I realize my mistake number one - even though I'd like to be in a relationship, this year I've dated a grand total of 4... or maybe 5 guys. It's just not that easy when you use gay dating apps, you can literally get berated for not wanting a hook up, lol. Anyway, two of these guys were actually quite into me, but sadly it wasn't reciprocal and I decided to drift away from them. The other 2 guys have been a bit of an unpleasant experience in that both: a) are completely my type (both in pics and in person), b) they appear to be quite interested and they were the ones who actually propose to meet, and c) after we meet, and despite my belief that we had an enjoyable time, they lost interest.
I'm not sure what's the problem with me, really I don't use misleading pics, I think, even though I'm aware it could be that they simply didn't find me attractive. A problem I do have is that I can't flirt for shit, so I fear they might think I'm not interested in anything more than friendship (and hey, I'm doubly guilty here because I do state that I'm looking for friends or dates). And in the case of the last guy, maybe it was simply too good to be true (handsome, super fit, worldly, smart guy basically out of my league, lol) and I'm not sure if I should attempt to text him again - I asked him out this weekend, and he said "maybe this Sunday, but I'm a bit busy because some friends are visiting", and I never received another message.
Anyway, just wanted to vent a bit. I'll correct my mistake number one - I'm going to date more people! And I'll try to be a bit more forward, and honestly, I'm going to lower my standards too
Now, I realize my mistake number one - even though I'd like to be in a relationship, this year I've dated a grand total of 4... or maybe 5 guys. It's just not that easy when you use gay dating apps, you can literally get berated for not wanting a hook up, lol. Anyway, two of these guys were actually quite into me, but sadly it wasn't reciprocal and I decided to drift away from them. The other 2 guys have been a bit of an unpleasant experience in that both: a) are completely my type (both in pics and in person), b) they appear to be quite interested and they were the ones who actually propose to meet, and c) after we meet, and despite my belief that we had an enjoyable time, they lost interest.
I'm not sure what's the problem with me, really
I don't use misleading pics, I think, even though I'm aware it could be that they simply didn't find me attractive. A problem I do have is that I can't flirt for shit, so I fear they might think I'm not interested in anything more than friendship (and hey, I'm doubly guilty here because I do state that I'm looking for friends or dates). And in the case of the last guy, maybe it was simply too good to be true (handsome, super fit, worldly, smart guy basically out of my league, lol) and I'm not sure if I should attempt to text him again - I asked him out this weekend, and he said "maybe this Sunday, but I'm a bit busy because some friends are visiting", and I never received another message.Anyway, just wanted to vent a bit. I'll correct my mistake number one - I'm going to date more people! And I'll try to be a bit more forward, and honestly, I'm going to lower my standards too
Captainbojanglesiii
Banned
I've had Tinder for about a month now and have probably matched with 100 women so far. I've gotten to the point where a few wanted to meet, but I chickened out each time. These girls all wanted to meet at there place first, which would be great, but I just feel strange doing so. Should mention I'm 18 and have yet to lose my virginity so it's just all a bit weird to me. I'm keeping to the app just in case something good comes from it, but all it's really done is boost my self esteem.
Will the Thrill
Banned
I'm 20 but in the same boat as you man, you're fine. I was really nervous the first couple times I started going on dates but it's "better'" now (Not that any of them are leading anywhere lol but that's another story.)
Have you done anything dating wise prior to this though? Ever had a girlfriend, been on a couple dates ect? But jeez dude, I'd say you're doing pretty well if the girls themselves are asking to meet and at their place. I can barely get girls to respond half the time, and I'm always the one asking them to go out.
Tinder is just a terrible app in general, they still have never fixed the whole "hit no on someone but SUDDENLY it changed to a different profile that you didn't see and that was the one you hit no on" That and sometimes it just does not send messages, even if they say "sent" in the message area, they won't update the front where the matches are. Either that or a message gets stuck in a infinite loop of sending. And now this boost stuff is just irritating. Other than fixing those, at this point they should also just add a "I only want friends option" cause wow are there a crap ton of people who just want to meet friends on there.
It's sadly the only thing that actually gets me dates compared to other apps or sites, so it's all I got. Okcupid is a wasteland and I'm not attractive enough for bumble.
ArgyleReptile
Banned
I hate the fact that I think too hard when it comes to messages.
Will the Thrill
Banned
Like just how it feels to keep a conversation going, or more like a first message kind of thing? Thinking a lot/hard isn't really a bad thing, cause at least you are trying to put some effort in. But it can be a bit frustrating if you aren't getting anywhere.
----
Random question, but why do I keep getting seen by girls from other countries on Okcupid. I thought since I have it set to 25 miles that it would at least have some sort of system to not make me show up for people farther than that. That and it still shows me people who end up being farther than 25 miles anyway, it's even worse than Tinder in that regard. I've had some mutual likes and bam that person is actually an hour plus away.
ArgyleReptile
Banned
It's a first message deal. I can usually keep a convo going.
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For clarification sake, are you getting seen by girls from other countries or are you seeing girls from other countries?
See a really cute girl with a really witty profile that's completely aligned with my personality. I super like her and match - turns out she had already liked me. Doh
If someone comes up farther than your perimeters than either their search perimeter is farther and liked you or they're using Tinder Plus and changed their search location. I see it a lot - girls from elsewhere frequently search within NYC before they go on vacation or move there.
If someone comes up farther than your perimeters than either their search perimeter is farther and liked you or they're using Tinder Plus and changed their search location. I see it a lot - girls from elsewhere frequently search within NYC before they go on vacation or move there.
Million dollar question: Did her breath smell funky? Always gotta watch out for smokers. Regardless of the fact, it sounds like one hell of a story. Glad you didn't die.
When I was 18 ten years ago, Tinder didn't exist and I was still super socially awkward/scared of girls. Smartphones also weren't ubiquitous as they are today. I was a late bloomer as a result. Take it from an older guy and start going to town on dating girls to get your game up. You younger folks have it much easier than my generation did.
As for your virginity , I lost it last year at the ripe old age of 27; one of my good friends is 28 and a virgin who's never been on dates since he's too picky. You'll lose it when you lose it. It's not a big deal being a virgin.
I take the easy way out with messages; I pick out a picture that looks interesting on OKC, ask them what the story is behind it, and send away. It usually gets me replies. On Tinder, GIFs are the way go; CMB has messaging prompts to break the ice.
I have a date set for next Friday with the girl who had to postpone this week. Apparently she came down with a nasty cough and has an interview tomorrow which is why she had to can it. Hopefully come next Friday, she'll be fully recovered. December is a of bit tricky month to be going on dates what with the holidays but at least it offers an easy excuse to hit up the holiday shops in the city.
Will the Thrill
Banned
Ah, well tbh I'd say you're fine then, putting effort into a first message can at least gives them a good first impression of you. Even if on your end it seems like you're putting too much stress on it.
And yeah girls from other countries are viewing me and even messaging me.
Ugh well I just don't like that system them, I think it would be nice if we could just have a set "home" location and if we leave the center area the app just knows to only take in matches from there. I know you can take your card out of the pile but then you aren't being seen at all. The thing with OkCupid is though, I have it set to 25 miles as my absolute limit, but girls I'm viewing in the browse matches section still come up when they are farther than 25 miles. Like it's not that I'm getting viewed by people farther than that, it's that the site is suggesting these people are within 25 miles, but then one look at their town, they are not.
peteykirch
Member
But it "empowers" women into have control in the dating world.
True Savior
Member
And the one which sends says "hi"
(15 matches though? lol. That's like the number of users here who use bumble)
(15 matches though? lol. That's like the number of users here who use bumble)
Unfortunately, if you're a minority who doesn't look like a discount Ryan Gosling, Bumble is dryer than Old Faithful. Even then, the ones that do get matched up were probably swiping right to everyone and filtered out the dudes they were interested in messaging.
I found it soul crushing and deleted it after for about 5 months earlier this year. I only went on one date and it didn't go anywhere. If women are picky on Tinder and other services, they're even pickier on Bumble. I like the concept on paper but the reality is that many women don't like to make the first move and will put little effort in.
I get hi a lot. I always find it contradictory when women state that they don't reply to "hi" but when women send "hi," they feel entitled to a free pass. Double standards of online dating.
In fact (this ties into my update) I got a "hi there" from a 38 year old on Tinder last night She has a bunch of close up shots which leads me to believe she
I got a few profile visits on my OKC account this week. They've ranged from a girl who's a "discreet dominant" and only replies to guys who are interested BDSM/slave-master stuff; a super nerdy girl who's a 97% match but has been taking ADD meds daily since she was 11 to address it; a French woman who moved to the city recently but only has one picture even though her profile details list Fit (usually a red flag if the girl only has one picture); a Russian girl with a great body who has thing for tall dudes, loves to cook, and trains dogs since she lives with one---a slight deal breaker since I'm not a big fan of dogs/don't comfortable around them all that much.
Out of all these, the latter two sound pretty tame but the Russian girl ticks off things that I like so I'll shoot her a message. I'm not sure how I feel about messaging the BDSM chick since I've never done any of that stuff and she only has one picture. December is bring out some interesting visitors even though I've been keeping the dating under control for this month.
By the way, Tinder recently came out with a podcast on dating that they've been advertising it there called DTR. Even though it's probably going to be centered around Tinder and its sister dating services and blatant advertising, I'll give it a listen and see what it's about. The premise sounds interesting.
Haha it helps being in NYC in regards to number of users.
ArgyleReptile
Banned
OKC doesn't seem to be working out for me.
Might move on to Tinder. *Sigh* which means more damn pictures.
Might move on to Tinder. *Sigh* which means more damn pictures.
True Savior
Member
Tinder has a new functionality, the "smart photo" (or smth like that) where, after a while, it will pick up your best photo and rotate accordingly (no idea how it's done). Today I got a notification telling me I got a new best photo. I thought "wow, this might be cool". It's a photo where I am using a horse mask -.- (it's a funny photo though).
I've got a few funny introductory lines on tinder but bumble? Nevah. Just hi or hello.
I've got a few funny introductory lines on tinder but bumble? Nevah. Just hi or hello.
thesoapster
Member
Asking here (originally asked in the Dating Age)...
I messaged someone on OKC who liked me first. It's the first message I've ever sent...wondering if I overdid it? It went something like...
"hey, how are things going? I liked what I read in your profile, and in particular your area of work. I've worked with many people in the same field at my own job and have made some very good friends. since you mentioned you love to travel, do you have a favorite place that you've been?"
Or something to that effect. I read OKC's own tips. Apparently it's statistically bad to start off a conversation complimenting her looks, but I dunno? Maybe she'll message back, but it's been a few days.
Question 2 - I've (honestly) stated that my body type right now is overweight (so this shows up right next to my height). It's something I'm working on. Do I convey that somewhere in my profile? I don't want to put specifically that I run fairly regularly and lift weights etc. because it feels a little self-absorbed.
I messaged someone on OKC who liked me first. It's the first message I've ever sent...wondering if I overdid it? It went something like...
"hey, how are things going? I liked what I read in your profile, and in particular your area of work. I've worked with many people in the same field at my own job and have made some very good friends. since you mentioned you love to travel, do you have a favorite place that you've been?"
Or something to that effect. I read OKC's own tips. Apparently it's statistically bad to start off a conversation complimenting her looks, but I dunno? Maybe she'll message back, but it's been a few days.
Question 2 - I've (honestly) stated that my body type right now is overweight (so this shows up right next to my height). It's something I'm working on. Do I convey that somewhere in my profile? I don't want to put specifically that I run fairly regularly and lift weights etc. because it feels a little self-absorbed.
TimeEffect
Member
Haha, asked a girl about her supposed drunk stories, she tells me 3 awful stories that I think are supposed to sound funny and cute, but sound incredibly horrible.
Getting into fights with men to the point where her friend has to pull her off, and waking up in a puddle of her vomit. Another one about her locking herself in the bathroom for a long time with a friend's phone, who desperately wanted it back.
Nah, it's not self absorbed. Just put something like "I care about my health and enjoy running regularly". Maybe leave out the weights as every dude lifts weights I guess? Maybe mention how much progress you've made and your goal. I find mentioning something like running is less absorbed than talking about how buff you are.
Getting into fights with men to the point where her friend has to pull her off, and waking up in a puddle of her vomit. Another one about her locking herself in the bathroom for a long time with a friend's phone, who desperately wanted it back.
Nah, it's not self absorbed. Just put something like "I care about my health and enjoy running regularly". Maybe leave out the weights as every dude lifts weights I guess? Maybe mention how much progress you've made and your goal. I find mentioning something like running is less absorbed than talking about how buff you are.
Update - the same night I posted this, 6 girls messaged me after 10pm and I have a date this weekend. Clearly there are Bumble Spies.
Were you that vague in the message or did you list specifics? It's better to be as specific as possible in a message so it doesn't sound like a template.
You could add a sentence or two that a goal of yours is personal fitness and eating better / working out.
Hahahaha I could definitely see someone not being self-aware and sharing those stories thinking it sounds cute.
thesoapster
Member
OK, I will find some way to fit it in.
Thanks for the tip. I was more specific, yes. Is the general format of what I wrote "acceptable" as a first message to someone? I've started plenty of conversations in person, but those situations generally have context that isn't so much there in online dating...their profile is the context, I guess.
TimeEffect
Member
Im just not going to respond. She's 24 and I feel it's just a giant red flag.
You're damn near tempting me to re-download Bumble but I think after tonight's date regardless of how it goes, I might take a break from it until January. I've been casually swiping on Tinder but I found that there's way too many girls who are looking for attention what with loads of mirror shots that I've seen. Either that, or my pictures suck and/or I'm being too picky.
That being said, good luck! That wind is going to be brutal all weekend long.
My own two cents would be not to take more than two minutes tops to compose a message. I think anything longer than two sentences is too much. Even if they have a super well written profile, I usually ask about what story is behind a picture that caught my attention. It usually gets me a reply but sometimes it doesn't and that's okay since it's their loss. It takes me less than two minutes to write. If I get a response with a question, then it's good to go; if it's one sentence with an exclamation point or a sentence, I delete it and move on.
The example that you posted is a closed ended question since it can be yes/no and leave it at that. Ask open ended questions e.g. "What's the most exotic food you've had out of all the countries you've traveled to?" The OP has a few examples.
I don't blame you for bailing out on that. It sounds like she's really immature and glorifies getting drunk. I like drinking but I draw a fine line when it's a party girl who goes out every weekend.
thesoapster
Member
Is it worth sending a second message if you don't get a response after several days? (Thinking in the context of the person who liked me first)
My instinct says no, but I've been told that sometimes messages get lost/forgotten in the sea of other messages women get.
My instinct says no, but I've been told that sometimes messages get lost/forgotten in the sea of other messages women get.
Definitely give it another try for the reasons you stated. If they don't respond after the second message, then move on. Anything after that is "Pls respond" territory.
Date finished. She had to bail at 8pm so we parted ways. I dunno if I was an in-between thing or not but I thought it went solid. I unintentionally paid for both of our drinks since she was cool with splitting it. I think she's more of a serious girl since none of my jokes were getting through her but she made me laugh a bunch of times. I would definitely hit her up again but not expecting anything to come of it since I think we didn't much in common.
Oddly enough, she asked what my plans were for the holidays and I said that I have family that lives here without implying that I live with family. I'm guessing these are girls who are lonely during the winter but she has a lot going for her.
One more message is far from creeper territory. I've gotten dates this way myself. You'll be fine.
thesoapster
Member
OK, so another message after the weekend if no talk? How does a second message (without an initial reply) go?
Don't try and overthink things. Wait a couple days, and send another message, perhaps trying a different avenue of conversation. If she responds, you talk, if she doesn't, you move on.
Likes mean something, but not much more than nothing. You will find a lot of girls don't reply, and part of the "game" is trial and error...finding what messages you send net responses, and which don't.
thesoapster
Member
I do tend to overthink, thanks for the advice
On a funny (or annoying) side note, I was out with a friend this evening and I spotted someone out with her friends who looked kinda familiar. I checked OKC real quick...she's my top match (95%...and I've answered ~160 of the questions). Glanced at the profile...her favorite bands include QOTSA, Tool, and NIN (oh mannnn). I went to send her a message later...inbox full. I have to pay to message her. WTF IS THIS?! Ugh lol. I did message someone else, though, who also sounds pretty awesome.
On a funny (or annoying) side note, I was out with a friend this evening and I spotted someone out with her friends who looked kinda familiar. I checked OKC real quick...she's my top match (95%...and I've answered ~160 of the questions). Glanced at the profile...her favorite bands include QOTSA, Tool, and NIN (oh mannnn). I went to send her a message later...inbox full. I have to pay to message her. WTF IS THIS?! Ugh lol. I did message someone else, though, who also sounds pretty awesome.
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
I do tend to overthink, thanks for the advice
On a funny (or annoying) side note, I was out with a friend this evening and I spotted someone out with her friends who looked kinda familiar. I checked OKC real quick...she's my top match (95%...and I've answered ~160 of the questions). Glanced at the profile...her favorite bands include QOTSA, Tool, and NIN (oh mannnn). I went to send her a message later...inbox full. I have to pay to message her. WTF IS THIS?! Ugh lol. I did message someone else, though, who also sounds pretty awesome.
Why didn't you talk to her then? (Obviously, just so we're clear, don't ever say "I saw you on OKC," because that's fucking creepy.)
thesoapster
Member
I was out with a friend and she was there with a group (and she left within five minutes of me recognizing who she was).
Back to the body type thing...
I am just over 5'11", and about a 36" waist. I am definitely heavier than I want to be (and as mentioned before I am working on it). I feel I'm being honest by listing my body type as overweight, but I've had two women friends tell me this is ridiculous and that my body type is "average" (this is a lie). I don't want to mislead.
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
Put "average." (It honestly is average for Americans.)
Make sure your clothes fit properly.
Keep hitting the gym.
Will the Thrill
Banned
Went back on bumble just to see and jeez, matching like crazy. Only thing is they are probably all doomed since from any previous experience on this app, girls would only ever start a chat with me if I did the daily extend. And you only get one of those per day for free. So rip like 12 matches.