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[Jotaro]

Funny? Philosophical, cynical? Told by the greatest philosopher or the most nameless internet friend that you only sporadically talk with? Related to game, movies, books, famous people, fictious work or not? From you?

For me, it does not matters.

From all the videogames characters I have played, Tex Murphy with his slight cynicism and witty one-liners and self-denigration, I like the most. When in The Pandora Directive, in the beginning, he's been warned by his client that the case might bring into danger. And then with his attitude, like a masochist, he replies with his down to earth attitude:

"That doesn't matters. Danger's like jell-o, there is always room for more."

From songs, I know it's french, but I will provide you with an english translation:

"La veille des élections, il t'appelait son fiston, le lendemain comme de raison, y'avait oublié ton nom." -Félix Leclerc

(before the elections he deemed you his son, but the day after he'd had forgotten your name)


But the best quote ever is from Lafontaine, or Esopus, IMHO. I really hate magical thinking, I loathe proverbs, but this one quote is the best that ever will be, and there is no way it can be topped.

Like Jean de Lafontaine said: "La raison du plus fort est toujours la meilleure."

And like Esopus, or whatever old greek writer said that was attributed to him, in another, more metaphorical way, said, and that Lafontaine re-wrote:

"The tyran will always find a reason for his tyranny."

 

[GLoK]

"A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval."
-Mark Twain

The next two, I don't know who to credit the quotes to, I just heard them somewhere along the line and have always remembered them since.

"Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious."
and
"Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae"
(There is no great genius without some touch of madness.)

 

[Matlock]

"Hey guys, your president is drink."
-El Presidente, last night

 

[Crag Dweller]

"I won't be wronged, I won't be insulted, and I won't be laid a hand on. I don't do these things to other people and I expect the same from them." -John Wayne

 

[Jotaro]

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0901806/bio

look at the personal quotes

I always find things that I utterly disagree with philosophers and writers, but Voltaire just owns.

 

[karasu]

Knowledge is power
Power corrupts
Study hard
Be evil - anonymous

 

[Arwen]

" I am a sick man. . . . I am a spiteful man. I'm an unattractive man. I think there is something wrong with my liver."

From: Notes From Underground by Fyodor Dostoyevsky. I have yet to actually read it, but for an opening line in a book, I think it's pretty interesting.

"And in the middle of them, with filthy body, matted hair, and unwiped nose, Ralph wept for the end of innocence, the darkness of man's heart, and the fall through the air of the true, wise friend called Piggy".

From: The Lord of the Flies by William Golding.

Off the top of my head:

"Why I laugh?"

Homer Simpson

"It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times?! You stupid monkey!"

Mr. Burns

(too many other Simpson quotes to list).

There's more that I like, but can't remember right now....

 

[Diablos]

"My life is a chip in your pile. Ante up!"

 

[Chony]

"She's kind of Sheryl Crow-ish crossed with a post-Partridge Family pre-L.A. Law Susan Dey kind of thing, but, you know, uh, black."

"It's like, how much more black could this be? and the answer is none. None more black."

"You will remember to wash your hands before you eat anything? "

"That rug really tied the room together."

She says, "Do you love me?" and I say, "No, but that's a really nice ski mask."

non movie ones later...

 

[Jotaro]

That huge quote from Good Will Hunting.

 

[Firest0rm]

The secret to getting ahead is getting started

^^
It's from poster my brother has in his room.

 

[Diablos]

"The aeroplane knows you know, sings the song of truth, of redemption, of sorrow.
Look no further than your dirty feet."

"There is no destiny, only right fucking now."

"Don't judge yourself by other people's standards. You'll always lose."

"Great music completely obliterates any conceptions of genre."

 

[lexi]

There was never a good war, nor a bad peace. - Benjamin Franklin

 

[number386]

Professor: Mr Pink
Lancelet Pink: Lancelet
Professor: Lancelet

 

[tt_deeb]

"Nothing can exist without order, and nothing can evolve without chaos." Anonymous (I don't remember)

"How fortunate for leaders that men do not think. " Hitler

"The victor will never be asked if he told the truth." Hitler

"Beethoven can write music, thank God, but he can do nothing else on earth." Beethoven

"Music should never be harmless." Robbie Robertson

"How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live." Henry David Thoreau

"I should not talk so much about myself if there were anybody else whom I knew as well." Henry David Thoreau

"As if you could kill time without injuring eternity." Henry David Thoreau

"I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

[OmniGamer]

"You see, this is why I hate people"(or similar) Lisa Kudrow from The Opposite of Sex.

The whole Richter/Dracula dialog from Castlevania:SOTN :lol

 

[AntoneM]

"you can't look at the sky without looking right through it." - Tim Kinsella (Cap'n Jazz)

 

[tt_deeb]

"you can't look at the sky without looking right through it." - Tim Kinsella (Cap'n Jazz)

That reminds me:

"No reason to stay is a good reason to go." Cap'n Jazz (I think)

My friend is a big Cap'n Jazz fan and I got that quote from him.

 

[GG-Duo]

But bless us, things may be lovable that are not altogether handsome, I hope? I am not at all sure that the majority of the human race have not been ugly, and even among those "lords of their kind," the British, squat figures, ill-shapen nostrils, and dingy complexions are not startling exceptions. Yet there is a great deal of family love amongst us. I have a friend or two whose class of features is such that the Apollo curl on the summit of their brows would be decidely trying; yet to my certain knowledge tender hearts have beaten for them, and their miniatures - flattering, but still not lovely - are kissed in secret by motherly lips. I have seen many an excellent matron, who could never in her best days have been handsome, and yet she had a packet of yellow love-letters in a private drawer, and sweet children showered kisses on her sallow cheeks. And I believe there have been plenty of young heroes, of middle stature and feeble beards, who have felt quite sure they could never love anything more insignificant than a Diana, and yet have found themselves in middle life happily settled with a wife who waddles. Yes! thank God; human feeling is like the mighty rivers that bless the earth: it does not wait for beauty --- it flows with resistless force and brings beauty with it.



(it's a good quote if you're feeling particularly self-conscious)

 

[luxsol]

"The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him."

 

[FoneBone]

Stan: Mr. Garrison, how come our moms arrested Terrance and Phillip?
Class: Yeah!
Bill: That's, that's gay.
Mr. Garrison: Oh, well, your moms are just upset. They're probably all on their periods or something.
Wendy: [whispers to Gregory] Tell him that's not cool.
Gregory: Mr. Garrison, Wendy and I think that was a sexist statement.
Mr. Garrison: Well I'm sorry, Wendy, but I just don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

 

[Jotaro]

I WANT TO GIVE AIDS TO EVERY CHILDREN IN AMERICA!

 

[NLB2]

Get to the choppeh!

and

I must have said it beofre since I say it now.

 

[spliced]

How much easier it is to be critical than to be correct.
-Benjamin Disraeli

I'm literally angry with rage!
-Philip J Fry

Many that live deserve death. Some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them, Frodo? Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment. Even the very wise cannot see all ends.
-LotR movie

All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.
-LotR movie

I don't ever have to prove myself to you
-Bad Religion

Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you're going to do now and do it."
-William Durant

 

[Loki]

How much easier it is to be critical than to be correct.
-Benjamin Disraeli

Hah, I like that one; I hadn't heard it before. Very true.

 

[GLoK]

"Acting tough is for people who are pussies in intense situations. I don't have to act tough to BE tough."
-Olimario, pizza thread.

so deep

 

[Foreign Jackass]

"You know, George, the ocean called. They're running out of shrimp."
"Oh yeah, Riley? Well, the jerk store called. They're running out of you!"
"What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller."

"I didn't know it was possible to come out of a coma."
"I didn't know it was possible to not know that."

"Did you just double-dip that chip?"

Sometimes the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason.

 

[Eminem]

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy"
-Benjamin Franklin

The great question that has never been answered and which I have not been able to answer....is, What does a women want?
-Sigmund Freud

 

[gblues]

The great question that has never been answered and which I have not been able to answer....is, What does a women want?
-Sigmund Freud

That's easy. Women want to be in a sentence with proper subject/verb agreement.

 

[ThirstyFly]

"Holy hell, is that monkey waving at us? Oh shit. It understood us. Maybe it's some kind of super monkey. What if there's more supermonkeys up at that lab? WHAT IF THEY'RE CREATING AN ARMY OF THEM? Holy shit. It must be a conspiracy like in the X-Files... ROSWELL style. This little monkey could be the fuckin' damn dirty ape responsible for the fall of the human race. In this world gone mad, we won't spank the monkey- the monkey will spank us. And after the fall of man, these monkey fucks'll start wearing our clothes and rebuilding the world in their image. OH and only those as super smart as me will be left alive to bitterly cry - DAMN YOUS. Goddamn yous all to hell."

- Jay.

 

[Triumph]

"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
-Benjamin Franklin

"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro."
-Dr. Hunter S. Thompson(R.I.P.)

My favorite piece of Dr. Thompson's writing:

"We have become a Nazi monster in the eyes of the whole world- a nation of bullies and bastards who would rather kill than live peacefully. We are not just Whores for power and oil, but killer whores with hate and fear in our hearts. We are human scum, and that is how history will judge us.... No redeeming social value. Just whores. Get out of our way, or we'll kill you.

Well, shit on that dumbness. George W. Bush does not speak for me or my son or my mother or my friends or the people I respect in this world. We didn't vote for these cheap, greedy little killers who speak for America today- and we will not vote for them again in 2002. Or 2004. Or ever.

Who does vote for these dishonest shitheads? Who among us can be happy and proud of having all this innocent blood on our hands? Who are these swine? These flag-sucking half-wits who get fleeced and fooled by stupid rich kids like George Bush?

They are the same ones who wanted to have Muhammad Ali locked up for refusing to kill gooks. They speak for all that is cruel and stupid and vicious in the American character. They are the racists and hate mongers among us- they are the Ku Klux Klan. I piss down the throats of these Nazis.

And I am too old to worry about whether they like it or not. Fuck them."

 

[ThirstyFly]

"Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin' else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you've got heroin?"

- Mark Renton

 

[Jotaro]

"The greatest writer is not one who does not imitates anyone, but one which no one can imitate." François-René de Châteaubriand

 

[whytemyke]

"Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are 'What might have been'"- Vonnegut

GEORGE CARLIN:
"Now there's one thign you might have noticed I don't complain about: politicians. Everyone complains about politicians. Everyone says, "They suck!" Well where do people think these politicians come from? They don't fall out of the sky. They don't pass through a membrane from another reality. They come from American parents, American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses, and American universities, and they're elected by American citizens. This is the best we can do folks. This is what we have to offer. It's what our system produces; garbage in, garbage out. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to have selfish, ignorant leaders. And term limits ain't gonna do you any good, you're just gonna wind up with a new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. So maybe, maybe, maybe it's not the politicians who suck. Maybe something else sucks around here... like, the public. Yeah, the public sucks."

"Boy these conservatives are really something aren't they? They're all in favor of the unborn. They'll do anything for the unborn, but once you're born you're on your own. Pro Life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception til nine months. After that they dont wanna know about you, they dont wanna hear from you, no nothing! No neonatal care, no daycare, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no nothing. If you're preborn, you're fine. If you're preschool, you're fucked."


MITCH HEDBERG:
"I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that frito, dad, you know how I like mine. "

"I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad a turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi,.Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself. I used to draw you!"

"I opened a yogurt and underneath the lid it said "please try again." They were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I had opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. Come on Mitch, don't give up! An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top."

DAVE ATTEL:
"You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?"

The movie SNATCH:
"Do you know what "nemesis" means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an 'orrible cunt... me."

Bullet Tooth Tony: "So, you are obviously the big dick. The men on the side of ya are your balls. There are two types of balls. There are big brave balls, and there are little mincey faggot balls."
Vinny: "These are your last words, so make them a prayer."
Bullet Tooth Tony: "Now, dicks have drive and clarity of vision, but they are not clever. They smell pussy and they want a piece of the action. And you thought you smelled some good old pussy, and have brought your two small mincey faggot balls along for a good old time. But you've got your parties mangled up. There's no pussy here, just a dose that'll make you wish you were born a woman. Like a prick, you are having second thoughts. You are shrinking, and your two little balls are shrinking with ya. The fact that you've got "Replica" written down the side of your gun. (withdraws his gun) And the fact that I've got "Desert Eagle point five O" written on the side of mine, should precipitate your balls into shrinking, along with your presence. Now... Fuck off."

... that's about it. But all these quotes are fucking awesome.

 

[Blackace]

"hey, hey, hey smoke weed everyday"

-Nate Dogg

"Playing with my money is like playing with my emotions."

-Big Worm "Friday"

 

[impirius]

"As long as you are proud you cannot know God. A proud man is always looking down on things and people; and, of course, as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something that is above you." - C. S. Lewis

"What the heck?" - Star Wolf

 

[Crow]

"I have played video games since a ball was a square."

"It was three against thousands...and we slaughtered all three of the bastards"

 

[Meatpuppet]

"i'm here to kick ass and chew gum, and I'm all out of gum" ~ Duke Nukem

 

[Quadrophenic]

"How can you trust a man who wears both a belt and suspenders? The man can't even trust his own pants. "

 

[Jeffahn]

That huge quote from Good Will Hunting.

Will: Why shouldn't I work for the N.S.A.? That's a tough one, but I'll give it a shot. Say I'm working at N.S.A. Somebody puts a code on my desk, something nobody else can break. So I take a shot at it and maybe I break it. And I'm real happy with myself, 'cause I did my job well. But maybe that code was the location of some rebel army in North Africa or the Middle East. Once they have that location, they bomb the village where the rebels were hiding and fifteen hundred people I never had a problem with get killed. Now the politicians are sayin', "Send in the marines to secure the area" 'cause they don't give a shit. It won't be their kid over there, gettin' shot. Just like it wasn't them when their number was called, 'cause they were pullin' a tour in the National Guard. It'll be some guy from Southie takin' shrapnel in the ass. And he comes home to find that the plant he used to work at got exported to the country he just got back from. And the guy who put the shrapnel in his ass got his old job, 'cause he'll work for fifteen cents a day and no bathroom breaks. Meanwhile my buddy from Southie realizes the only reason he was over there was so we could install a government that would sell us oil at a good price. And of course the oil companies used the skirmish to scare up oil prices so they could turn a quick buck. A cute little ancillary benefit for them but it ain't helping my buddy at two-fifty a gallon. And naturally they're takin' their sweet time bringin' the oil back, and maybe even took the liberty of hiring an alcoholic skipper who likes to drink martinis and play slalom with the icebergs, and it ain't too long 'til he hits one, spills the oil and kills all the sea life in the North Atlantic. So my buddy's out of work and he can't afford to drive, so he's got to walk to the job interviews, which sucks 'cause the shrapnel in his ass is givin' him chronic hemorrhoids. And meanwhile he's starvin' 'cause every time he tries to get a bite to eat the only blue plate special they're servin' is North Atlantic scrod with Quaker State. So what do I think? I'm holdin' out for somethin' better. Why not just shoot my buddy, take his job and give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? I could be elected president.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119217/quotes

 

[Shogmaster]

"i'm here to kick ass and chew gum, and I'm all out of gum" ~ Duke Nukem

I think that predates Duke Nukem. I believe it was first said in "They Live".

 

[Blackace]

I think that predates Duke Nukem. I believe it was first said in "They Live".

it is a veeeerrry old quote that has changed many times and has come in many forms...

 

[krypt0nian]

"We Are All In The Gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars" - Oscar Wilde

 

[Shogmaster]

it is a veeeerrry old quote that has changed many times and has come in many forms...

Sounds logical, but I think They Live popularized it.

 

[Fuzzy]

Here are two that I like but I can't remember who said either of them.

"Data is not information, Information is not knowledge, Knowledge is not wisdom."

"We all have time machines. Those which take us back are memories. Those that take us forward are dreams."

 

[explodet]

If it's a Duke Nukem quote, it's *not* a Duke Nukem quote... if you get what I mean.

 

[Virgin Wii]

"I ripped up, flipped up, and skipped up on top of things/ As they swing towards my ding-a-ling"
-Dat Nigga Daz

"Jesus died at age 33/ That's 33 shots from twin glocks at 16 a piece, that's 32/ Which means, one of my guns was holding 17/ 27 hit your crew, 6 went into you"
-Nas

"Back in Junior High, when we was barely gettin by, when daddy died/ That's when my momma started gettin high/ My neighborhood was full of drivebys, couldn't survive/ All our homies livin short lives, I couldn't cry/ Told my momma if I did die, just put a blunt in my casket/ Let me get my dead homies high"
-2Pac

"It's illegal but the plants in my backyard grow"
-Ludacris

"When it comes to sex, I'm similar to the thriller in Manila/ Honeys call me Bigga the Condom Filler/ Whether it's stiff tongue or stiff dick, Biggie squeeze it to make shit fit/ Now check this shit"
-Notorious BIG

"Prowling/ In the night/ Hiding/ 'neath my fright/ Manipulate my sight/ Theif"
-Kristy Thirsk

"Soaring to the sun, with blood upon their wings/ Superstitious dust, left twisting in the wind/ Man still has one belief; one decree that stands alone/ The laying down of arms is like cancer to their bones"
-Megadeth

"I would like some milk from the Milkman's wife's tits"
-Aphex Twin

"All this machinery making modern music can still be open-hearted/ Not so coldly charted, it’s really just a question of your honesty/ Yeah, your honesty/ One likes to believe in the freedom of music/ But glittering prizes and endless compromises shatter the illusion of integrity"
-Rush

"The grass was greener/ The light was brighter/ The taste was sweeter/ The nights of wonder/ With friends surrounding/ The dawn mist glowing/ The endless river/ Forever and ever"
-Pink Floyd

 

[Fresh Prince]

'Proscastination is like masturbation. It feels good but in the end your fucking yourself'- first heard from some dude off GAF

and a bunch of rap quotes.

 

[shattyboombatty]

Off the top of my head:

"Why I laugh?"

Homer Simpson

"It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times?! You stupid monkey!"

Mr. Burns

(too many other Simpson quotes to list).

There's more that I like, but can't remember right now....

Ah yes... so many solid gold Simpsons moments... I also love Futurama since it has a lot of simmilar humor. The first Futurama quote that pops into my head:

"I'm having one of those things.... you know... a headache with pictures..."
"You mean an Idea"
"yuh yuh... (neanderthal grunts of approval)"

 

[Virgin Wii]

Ah yes... so many solid gold Simpsons moments... I also love Futurama since it has a lot of simmilar humor. The first Futurama quote that pops into my head:

"I'm having one of those things.... you know... a headache with pictures..."
"You mean an Idea"
"yuh yuh... (neanderthal grunts of approval)"

Ah, Futurama. Dare I say I prefered it to The Simpsons?

Fry: "Ok, you're on a date. What's the first thing you do?"
Zoidberg: "Ask her to mate with me."
Fry: "No. Tell her she's special."
Zoidberg: "But she's not. She's merely the female with the largest clutch of eggs."
Fry: "Well, tell her that. And then?"
Zoidberg: "Then mating!"
Fry: "No... Make up some feelings and tell her you have them." *pause* "Yes?"
Zoidberg: "Is desire to mate a feeling?"
Fry: "Ugh, you're not even trying!"