Dating-Age |OT5| Halp me pls. In the bathroom.

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First dinner-bar outing lol not super great but still fun experience

it was a group thing, sat in front of a super cute girl, talked to her all night, thought things were going ok, had a nice conversation with her...when at the end she says let's go to a bar and this other guy swoops in making small talk and sexy jokes with her lol, I felt a bit eh towards the end (it didn't help that i was stressed out because public transportation was stopped at this hour, so inside im like "how the hell am i going to get home?"), I have some difficulty loosening up and finding funny stuff to talk about...

She didn't went home with him but they said they'd do another party next week (I'm invited) so I wonder if I can fix things by then...

I'm still very shy when it comes to flirting, not sure why. If anyone struggled with that and has tips for me, it'd be nice. Also making small talk in general.

edit: still I'm glad I managed to get to a drinking party with total strangers and managed to have a decent enough conversation.
 
Kurtofan said:
First dinner-bar outing lol not super great but still fun experience

it was a group thing, sat in front of a super cute girl, talked to her all night, thought things were going ok, had a nice conversation with her...when at the end she says let's go to a bar and this other guy swoops in making small talk and sexy jokes with her lol, I felt a bit eh towards the end (it didn't help that i was stressed out because public transportation was stopped at this hour, so inside im like "how the hell am i going to get home?"), I have some difficulty loosening up and finding funny stuff to talk about...

She didn't went home with him but they said they'd do another party next week (I'm invited) so I wonder if I can fix things by then...

I'm still very shy when it comes to flirting, not sure why. If anyone struggled with that and has tips for me, it'd be nice. Also making small talk in general.

edit: still I'm glad I managed to get to a drinking party with total strangers and managed to have a decent enough conversation.
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This is great. All you need to do is keep at it. The fact that you were able to enjoy yourself among total strangers (what was this, a MeetUp event or what?) is a huge, huge step forward, especially given your previous posts a few months back. That's 100% meant as a compliment, by the way.

And look at it this time: when you see these people again, they won't be strangers! It'll be easier.
 
Advocatus Diaboli said:
This is great. All you need to do is keep at it. The fact that you were able to enjoy yourself among total strangers (what was this, a MeetUp event or what?) is a huge, huge step forward, especially given your previous posts a few months back. That's 100% meant as a compliment, by the way.

And look at it this time: when you see these people again, they won't be strangers! It'll be easier.
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Thanks. True, hopefully I'll be more at ease now that I know them (in general)

It's a meeting on a Meetup like site (Urbeez), I've done like four of those in a week lol, with different people, kind of interesting. I'm met expats in Paris in a trivia night quiz in English (my team won!), Japan enthusiasts in an otaku café, a small group to see a movie and now people who are more the bar going types. I'm kind of trying to see with who I feel more comfortable with.

I've also talked to a girl in the theater, got her number...but I'm not really feeling attracted to her at the moment, even if she has a nice personality, so I'm not sure I want to continue. i feel a bit shallow, but the way we talked was friendly so I don't think I'm being a jerk.
 
So I remade both my Okcupid and Tinder accounts with some different pictures. Put some actual effort into answering the questions and messages I sent out. Things definitely seem to be clicking better already; Got two girls i'm texting and some actual conversations on top of that. There's a fine line between too little and too much effort, lol.
 
Went out on my first date with someone through Coffee Meets Bagel. She was pretty freaking awesome. We small chatted all week and she was just as funny and personable in person. She already asked me on another date for Friday so I'm pretty happy :D
 
jdstorm said:
How much you communicate is up to you. If you like her and want to date her long term or be friends with benefits she will appreciate the honesty. If you tell her before. Don't be a needy guy who drops a bomb like that post sex. If it's just a hookup don't bother. Hookups can be disappointing between even the most experienced people for any number of reasons. So it's not worth bringing it up.

Everybody gets nervous even if they are experienced. Just remember to pay attention to her, to communicate what you like, listen to what she wants, be yourself and have fun.
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We work together on weekends, so it's not like I can vanish after a hook up.
I think I'm just gonna wing it without saying anything though especially because...

vern said:
Dude don't worry, I've got lots of experience and I always disappoint in bed.
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This seems to be true. Most men probably suck in bed anyway that I don't need to stress too much.
 
I've been reading this thread from time to time and am now in need of another opinion :)

*snip*

yeah, no... without a response that doesn't need to be here
 
Hm trying a lot of things to get dates recently. I started being more optimistic, trying to improve my self confidence. I'm a happier guy, I'd say. I talk to girls fine, but then I ask them out and they either blank me or have plans. And I'm on a few dating sites, have been for a while. I don't think I'm doing anything "wrong" as such, it's only dating at the end of the day.

It's okay to feel a little disheartened if you've tried to but haven't been on a date in months though right? Like I've been trying to stave off feelings of depression by actively forcing myself to be happy, but it's okay to be like "Hm, this is a bit shit" right?
 
I'm getting blown off by a girl I met at a Meetup event, and not in a good way. Her last text to me was "Hey! Was nice to meet you too :) yeah I should be free next week, don't think I have anything planned". I text her a few days later suggesting we go for drinks at 8PM on Thursday, and asked her whereabouts in my city was convenient for her, and lo and behold, no reply. Did I take too long to suggest something? My life right now is boring as fuck and really shitty, tbh. On the bright side, got another like on OkCupid from an attractive chick. Now whether she actually follows through on meeting me is another thing. Sigh. I'm trying to take everyone's advice by being more positive and shit, but keeping this up when nothing good is happening makes it ridiculously hard. Can't go to any other events because I work on Saturday afternoon/evening when everything goes on, yayyyyyy, but money I guess
 
vern said:
If you ever hook up with a girl after me she will think you are a god.
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This is what I'm banking on.

Banjo-Kazooie said:
Went out on my first date with someone through Coffee Meets Bagel. She was pretty freaking awesome. We small chatted all week and she was just as funny and personable in person. She already asked me on another date for Friday so I'm pretty happy :D
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CmB is pretty rad. Met a number of beautiful and cool girls through this. However, one of them said that CMB is more of a long term relationship app, rather than a casual Tinder-like app. Sorry to disappoint, ladies.

Edit: Royalphalanx, I believe we suggested the opposite - sounds like you're still pushing the dating side of things, when we suggested getting right with yourself first. Sounds like you are still super down on yourself, and setting expectations based on women wanting to go out with you. That can be toxic!
 
Met the girl's mom today (dad lives in the US so that's a no-go) and finally told my folks about her. They were overcome with joy honestly, as I guess is expected when it's the first girl I tell them about after 23 years. Now we just gotta have her and my parents meet and the rituals are finished.
 
I wimped out...couldnt break it off with her. And the worse part is another instance of "that bullshit" happened.

I was exhausted and just wanted to drink a few glasses of wine and watch a movie so I went over her house Fri night. Did just that, got laid and passed out. Got up Sat morning and we had a pretty great day. She took me to her work and I introduced me to her co-workers, then we went to the local art show, then to this Amish place where we picked up food to cook. Got back to my house, cooked, ate and had a few drinks and laughs.

Then, some wierd occurences happened. Ok ok ok, heres the part where I go "Am I just blowing shit out of proportion? Am I on crazy train and shit is ok but Im making a mountain out of a mole hill?"

What happened was she tells me a story about some cat in a ceiling and picks she has of from when it happened like 5 or 6 years ago.
These pics are in a FB photo album.
So she opens FB and goes to her albums...

Immediately I notice "Thats way more albums then I see when I go to her page"
She opens one album, one I can see (her covers) and its more photos then I can see also?! Like some photos of her with some dudes arent accesible to me.
Then an album, with what looks to be older from a time she lived with some guy is absolutelty unviewable via me looking with my account.

Ok ok..I get it. She has this stuff on private I guess. I mean, I dont wanna flaunt pics of me and other girls in front of her, I guess, I guess Im making my own assumptions.

Then the part that made me go "um..wtf?"

An album called "Photos of Dan"

Ok, so, is this odd? Lol Do I not say anything? Im sure this is just another "GTFO Flag" lol
 
AHealy said:
Ok, so, is this odd? Lol Do I not say anything? Im sure this is just another "GTFO Flag" lol
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I don't think it's as bad as you think. I've set stuff to do with my ex's to "only me" privacy as well, never thought twice about it. Like you said, I don't want to flaunt this pictures in front of my partner.
 
AHealy said:
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Dunno, think you might be overreacting a bit. People keep stuff from their previous exes, especially pics. I mean, she set it to private for a reason... The reason most likely being that she doesn't need the world to see every picture she has, but still wants to keep the pics themselves... Like a photo album should be (honestly that's like 80% of the reason I use FB in the first place). You don't purge every last physical memory of every ex, do you?

I dunno what you're situation is, but I think you need some deep breathes. If all of your red flags are like this you may be overreacting just a bit.
 
ZackieChan said:
She's into Ceiling Cat meme? Sounds like a keeper!
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I asked her if it watched her masturbate and she looked at me like I was mental. May be the biggest red flag yet.

I asked about the stuff and she said pretty much what I thought. All pre-2010 and a life she "isnt" anymore and she finds embarassing. Simply using the albums to store photos. And the "Dan" album she says is photos of her and her cats he took, not an album about him.
She asked if I wanted to see but I said no, said I trust her.

I admit, most of my problems with her stem from not being brutally honest.
Been reading a book about "Nice guy syndrome" and I feel I fit the profile. Trying to conteract it with being brutally honest.

Shes happy about her friend moving close..I follow this friend on social media and see her life revolves around "Woe is me my health sucks!" *an hour later* "Hey Im drunk again on a Tuesday night!"
I told the GF tonight "if this girl moves close to you and this becomes your life choices Ill drop you instantly. I explained we arent in our 20's and I expect a level of self respect and acting 32 not 22.
She said she understood and asked if Ive ever seen that from her...what she doesnt seem to remember is before we started dating, before she dropped her skanky, 4 day a week drunk, dead end friends to be up my ass all the time, that is what I saw via social media from her.
Wish she would surround herself with better people...seeing her with degrees and a career and all her friends with no goals, dead end jobs, etc.. makes me wonder about what it says about who she surrounds herself with.
 
I went to a bar last night and had a girl walk up to me, tell me I look familiar and then stick her fingers into my nose. I looked at her completely disgusted. If you want a way to turn off a guy or anyone for that matter, there you go.

It was also my birthday and a different girl was celebrating her birthday too...she kept touching my arm when we talked and I told her I was going to kiss her, but she seemed unsure and started to pull away a bit and she said she had a boyfriend. I probably should have just done it instead of telling her.
 
AHealy said:
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...

Uh... How long have you two been going out?

Also Christ dude chill out. Freaking out about someone's past and what friends she may or may not have is a little much. Are all of your friends paragons of perfection?

Again, breathe dude. Just breathe.

Or just cut it off now if you can't stop this craziness. Be better for the both of you.

(Whoops broke the quote code. Darn you mobile)
 
What are some of the things you do to better yourselves and make you more interesting?

My girlfriend and I visited an art museum this weekend, and -- suffice it to say -- I'm seriously uncultured. This is probably a recurring theme with my dating posts, but this isn't necessarily about dating, as there aren't any problems here: just me realizing that I honestly can't show my girlfriend anything new about D.C. that she hasn't already seen, and also that I've lived here for almost 2 years and there are plenty of things I haven't done yet.

This is undoubtedly a common enough problem, and I'd like to hear what others have done.
On my end, I'm studying a few languages, signing up for open water diving, planning a solo trip to China and South Korea, and I'm trying to get better at cooking.
 
Started to talking to someone from okcupid, she only had 2 pics with weird angles, I didn't think much of it. We agreed to take our dogs hiking together. Well, I'm not gonna go into much detail, but she didn't look at all like I expected. At least our dogs had fun and got plenty of exercise.
 
I'm having the problem of wanting to make myself interesting but having no motivation or drive to actually do it. Even video games aren't fun anymore. I'm apathetic to everything.
 
Advocatus Diaboli said:
I guess it's time to post this again, kids:

http://markmanson.net/fuck-yes

Key tagline:



No one* is constantly busy. No one loses their phone. No one accidentally doesn't get your text or forget to reply. No one who wants to meet up with you will say "let's keep in touch" or "let's see each other sometime" when a date can be coffee for an hour and they can check their calendar on their phone, which -- again -- they absolutely didn't lose, so find someone else who doesn't fuck around and don't waste your mental energy on those who do.

You all know Occam's Razor, right? "Among competing hypotheses, the one with the fewest assumptions should be selected." Well, here's my variant: "Among competing partners, the one who displays the least interest in you is fucking someone else."

* Law of large numbers here, of course. But remember: don't make excuses for people. It's their job to provide justification (or not, at which point, bail).
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Really gotta repost this. It's amazingly true and will save a lot of guys a ton of trouble, time and heartache.

Only nitpick is this:
The second problem is people who never meet others who feel a “Fuck Yes” for them. If all of the people you pursue give you a mild response, or outright rejections, then it’s time to focus on improving yourself. Ask yourself, what is it about yourself that would inspire others to say “Fuck Yes” about you? If the answer is not obvious, then you get to work. Build yourself into a person others would say “Fuck Yes” to.
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Aka the most ambiguous advise ever. It's the nicer way of saying, "just hope you get lucky." I'm literally in the best shape of my life physically, professionally and emotionally; and I just have no sex appeal at all judging by the utter lack of attention/reciprocation I get from women.
 
A is turning out to be an amazing friend.

R life is going all sorts of crazy and she was way more school than i thought she had left and a career that will take her out of the country for sure. I will have to end it this week.

Two new enter the fray

A well put together Bosnian woman. as a date tonight

and a social working cosplayer that is gorgeous on wednesday.

Im starting to get burnt out. i want to find a steady girl friend soon so i can work on a lot of personal projects i want to start.
 
Where to meet people man. Both OKC and POF are seemingly dead, the two girls I was talking to both started blanking me when I bought up the idea of meeting up, and my work life leaves me little time or opportunity to look elsewhere.

Hell I find myself looking forward to an overnight work conference next month which might give me some sort of opportunity to meet people. I'm trying not to become obsessed with the idea of having to be seeing someone to be happy, but it's just been a long time since I had anything approaching a decent opportunity. I'm talking like half a year now. I'm relatively happy in myself and I've got better, but I feel like I have a lot to offer somebody in a relationship and I guess I just miss intimacy and other aspects.
 
Etrian Oddity said:
Really gotta repost this. It's amazingly true and will save a lot of guys a ton of trouble, time and heartache.

Only nitpick is this:

Aka the most ambiguous advise ever. It's the nicer way of saying, "just hope you get lucky." I'm literally in the best shape of my life physically, professionally and emotionally; and I just have no sex appeal at all judging by the utter lack of attention/reciprocation I get from women.
Click to expand...

So...improve your sex appeal? It's not saying "just hope you get lucky" at all.
 
Advocatus Diaboli said:
What are some of the things you do to better yourselves and make you more interesting?
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Travel and reading are my big things.

Just got back from Japan, where I fed monkeys, toured a shrine under moonlight, was attacked by deer, and was nearly decapitated by a nation of people who hold their umbrellas at my neck-height.

On the reading side, I just finished Machine of Death. It's a collection of short stories about a machine that will tell a person how they will die, often in vague and ironic terms. For example, the machine telling you "old age" could mean you get run over by an old guy. However few of the stories focus on that irony. Most deal with the larger social and political implications. How would warzones and hospitals change with such a machine, for example.

To better know your city and what to do there, join the local subreddit and join Meetup. Even if you never participate, both post events and goings-ons that you can use as date fodder. It's also good for learning random facts about your town that you never would've otherwise known. For example, there's a reason many Pittsburgh homes have a random toilet in the basement that isn't surrounded by walls or even a door.
 
oh i have a story for you guys.

I draw naked girls pretty much every week in a well respected drawing group. Its BYOB and super chill.

a couple weeks ago a super cute, really talented girl started showing up and she is finally starting to shake her shyness and is fun to talk to. we kind of flirted a couple times and i offered her a ride after class ( i do this for everyone, not many artist have cars in the city) she declined because she was going to take public transit of like an hour to get home and the nearest station is a pretty close walking distance.

Should i offer again on thursday and let her know i can take her closer to her place or get her number and ask to grab a drink sometime.

a slightly different note. My friend that runs the group is into her too. He also has a serious girlfriend of like 2-3 years. I told him the new girl is really cute and he agreed. He then texted me not to name drop his current gf in case it ruins his chances with her. I always ask him about his gf when i see him because he always seems down on his relationship but this was the first super skeevy time he acted towards her. I dont know if i should name drop her again and save him from himself or just stay out of it. i dont think im competing with him for the girl...
 
peanutbutterlatte said:
Where to meet people man. Both OKC and POF are seemingly dead, the two girls I was talking to both started blanking me when I bought up the idea of meeting up, and my work life leaves me little time or opportunity to look elsewhere.

Hell I find myself looking forward to an overnight work conference next month which might give me some sort of opportunity to meet people. I'm trying not to become obsessed with the idea of having to be seeing someone to be happy, but it's just been a long time since I had anything approaching a decent opportunity. I'm talking like half a year now. I'm relatively happy in myself and I've got better, but I feel like I have a lot to offer somebody in a relationship and I guess I just miss intimacy and other aspects.
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Yep, facing the same problem. My therapist actually asked me if I had a girlfriend after I told her about all my self esteem and social anxiety issues, and what condition my social life was in. It's definitely understandable to want intimacy after a long period of time where you've lacked it, I feel. Humans are social animals by nature.
 
Sucks living in a small city surrounded by smaller towns/city's. Online dating just doesn't offer much variety. I'm not even joking when I say 99 percent of the women on the dating aps either have more than 2 kids, are extremely country/Christian, or are just over weight to the point that there definitely isn't a physical attraction for me. I guess I just got extremely lucky when I met my ex off pof
 
I am for sure being blanked by aforementioned Meetup.com girl. And here I was thinking we got on pretty well and that it was an opportunity to hang out more and maybe broaden my social circle. Meeting new friends is hard, let alone finding someone to date. I dunno man, something fundamental must be wrong with me and I can't be social like a normal person. I've been to multiple events like that and I've failed to find someone I click with, each and every time.
 
Royal_Phalanx said:
I am for sure being blanked by aforementioned Meetup.com girl. And here I was thinking we got on pretty well and that it was an opportunity to hang out more and maybe broaden my social circle. Meeting new friends is hard, let alone finding someone to date. I dunno man, something fundamental must be wrong with me and I can't be social like a normal person. I've been to multiple events like that and I've failed to find someone I click with, each and every time.
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One of the girls who's ignoring me keeps sending me Snapchats... Not ones that warrant reply, just general updates on her life... Seems sort of cruel haha.
 
Jokab said:
She only wants attention. Delete her right now.
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Deleted after she live-snapped a viewing of The Notebook... Ech.

And RoyalPhalanx I know exactly what you mean and can probably empathise a fair bit. I have a few close friends but that's it, and they've been working this weekend so I've had nothing to do but swipe through dating sites!

Joining the gym this week after saying I would for like a year though so there's that. I figure now if girls ignore me they'll at least be ignoring someone that's reasonably physically fit!

EDIT: Oh wow haha really cute nerdy girl on POF, see she's gone to view my profile, try to message again "You have been blocked by this user". Love it. The self esteem train is running seriously late this weekend.
 
gaiages said:
...

Uh... How long have you two been going out?

Also Christ dude chill out. Freaking out about someone's past and what friends she may or may not have is a little much. Are all of your friends paragons of perfection?

Again, breathe dude. Just breathe.

Or just cut it off now if you can't stop this craziness. Be better for the both of you.

(Whoops broke the quote code. Darn you mobile)
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7 to 8 months.
 
peanutbutterlatte said:
Deleted after she live-snapped a viewing of The Notebook... Ech.

And RoyalPhalanx I know exactly what you mean and can probably empathise a fair bit. I have a few close friends but that's it, and they've been working this weekend so I've had nothing to do but swipe through dating sites!

Joining the gym this week after saying I would for like a year though so there's that. I figure now if girls ignore me they'll at least be ignoring someone that's reasonably physically fit!

EDIT: Oh wow haha really cute nerdy girl on POF, see she's gone to view my profile, try to message again "You have been blocked by this user". Love it. The self esteem train is running seriously late this weekend.
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That train derailed for me a long time ago and is now rusting in the wilderness somewhere.
 
AHealy said:
7 to 8 months.
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After this post in another thread:

AHealy said:
I spent $600 alone just on dinner for 2 one night. Italian place in Philly, 6 course meal with a different bottle of wine with each course.

Was dreadful tho. Took her their as a "goodbye, we are breaking up" dinner. 3 glasses in and she was crying on and off.

I did prob waste close to 20k on her over the course of 3 months trying to give her a luxurious lifestyle.
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I'm thinking you may be beyond help. Who does these things? Please try to date women who are not 1) crazy or 2) addicted to luxurious lifestyles. Those women exist, and they're awesome.
 
Royal_Phalanx said:
That train derailed for me a long time ago and is now rusting in the wilderness somewhere.
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It's got better for me as it will for you. I think I realised that a message from a girl, whatever girl, would have the ability to perk me up and really make me happy. And that was the wrong way of thinking. A lot of it is positive thinking that you've got to decide on yourself, keep a list of things that if you were honest you do like about yourself, however small. And stop thinking just because you're not with anybody that there's something inherently wrong with you (I'm telling you this to reinforce it for myself as much as anything!)

But yeah being blocked by a pretty girl that looked really nice isn't a great moment for positive self thinking haha. Anybody got any reccomendations for dating sites in the UK outside of POF, OKC, and Tinder?
 
Advocatus Diaboli said:
What are some of the things you do to better yourselves and make you more interesting?
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I have been thinking about this a lot. For me I think my ability to cook reasonably well is great. Everyone likes to have a meal cooked for them. Reading is great for expanding what you can talk about with people.

I need to start exploring different parts of the city. I would like to try a new restaurant ever week or two. Throw in events and attractions into that too.
 
peanutbutterlatte said:
It's got better for me as it will for you. I think I realised that a message from a girl, whatever girl, would have the ability to perk me up and really make me happy. And that was the wrong way of thinking. A lot of it is positive thinking that you've got to decide on yourself, keep a list of things that if you were honest you do like about yourself, however small. And stop thinking just because you're not with anybody that there's something inherently wrong with you (I'm telling you this to reinforce it for myself as much as anything!)

But yeah being blocked by a pretty girl that looked really nice isn't a great moment for positive self thinking haha. Anybody got any reccomendations for dating sites in the UK outside of POF, OKC, and Tinder?
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Match.com maybe?
 
ZackieChan said:
After this post in another thread:

I'm thinking you may be beyond help. Who does these things? Please try to date women who are not 1) crazy or 2) addicted to luxurious lifestyles. Those women exist, and they're awesome.
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They both need help. She isn't that into romance and would be happy with complacency. He's worried she'll cheat on him with ponytail-vegan guy and tries to control who she hangs out with, telling her "if this girl moves close to you and this becomes your life choices Ill drop you instantly."
 
Advocatus Diaboli said:
What are some of the things you do to better yourselves and make you more interesting?

This is undoubtedly a common enough problem, and I'd like to hear what others have done.
Click to expand...

I have done a lot of stuff. At the time I was dating, I was into: mountain biking, blading, racquetball, skiing, tennis, music, and was very good at cooking. I also was well versed on current events so in general, I had lots to talk about.

Salamando said:
For example, there's a reason many Pittsburgh homes have a random toilet in the basement that isn't surrounded by walls or even a door.
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I never knew that this was such a thing.

Growing up, I knew a lot of Italian families with a full kitchen in their basements. This lets them continue to make their sauces during the summer months and basements tend to be cooler in homes without AC.
 
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