LucidMomentum
Member
We care fam. It's the whole point of the thread after all.
Good on you for being honest with people. Pain is temporary, you'll be on your way to more fulfilling relationships soon enough!
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Dating Age |OT$6| Just ask her out already
- Thread starter gaiages
- Start date
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We care fam. It's the whole point of the thread after all.
Good on you for being honest with people. Pain is temporary, you'll be on your way to more fulfilling relationships soon enough!
We care as much as you'll let us. If you tell us what happened, we can offer feedback and advice. If you don't, all we can say is "yep. sometimes relationships suck"
Lone_Prodigy
Member
"Moving too fast" is relative. Is it "discussing what to name your children" fast or "becoming Facebook official" fast?
I think if you're both on the same page and happy, just enjoy it. Sometimes the honeymoon phase just burns out and you realize it wasn't meant to be. Other times it keeps going, or develops into something deeper and more everlasting.
I think if you're both on the same page and happy, just enjoy it. Sometimes the honeymoon phase just burns out and you realize it wasn't meant to be. Other times it keeps going, or develops into something deeper and more everlasting.
Someone I had been crushing on for a year or so (I posted a while back about a common friend trying to get me to talk to her about it and got told I was sounding like a crazy person) cheated on her partner with me. I knew she was in a relationship. I was weak and wrong.
Today we talked it through and I said it was wrong and must not happen again. I've asked the common friend to never let me be alone in a bar with this person again, I even have orders that if it happens I am to call my friend and she'll come and remove me.
As I am changing job soon it is possible this friendship will fizzle out, which is possibly for the best. We've been workmates for about four years.
NotTheGuyYouKill
Member
Been two weeks, we talk everyday, it's gotten pretty physical, and we both admitted we're catching feels.
But we also talked about the potential of it just being infatuation and we've both had pretty shitty relationships in the past, so it's simultaneously like... we're both crazy attracted to one another but also paranoid about one another.
Yeah, we're trying to just normalize hanging out and not trying to just see everything with rose tinted glasses.
Yeah, we talked about that as well, we both decided having space and time and not getting overwhelmed was better. Wanna see how things develop without the crazy new shiny attraction blinding everything. It's weird.
I mentioned above, but it's gotten physical, admitted to having feelings, talk all the time, etc.
Yeah, we both seem okay with that. Consciously decided it would be for the better.
NotTheGuyYouKill
Member
It's also weird for me that the level of comfort has developed so fast re: emotional and physical intimacy. This is all very new to me (and possibly to her as well).
Cow Mengde
Banned
This is an honest to goodness cultural thing. Of course there are girls with the body type I like, but a vast majority of them really are obsessed with being stick thin. The girls come up with ways to compete and show off that they're thin on social media. I heard 2 girls comment on how thin these 2 European girls were when I was walking by. There was seriously a tone of envy in their voices when they said that.
Hell, ask vern. He showed me pictures of this girl where we both consider as having a great body, and yet Chinese guys don't want to date her because she's "fat". She's not even close to being fat.
Maybe chill out on the texting next time and save all that for the date.
Gotdatmoney
Member
All of this could be true (like I said I know nothing about China) but that doesn't really impact what I said. Which was, emphasizing that in this thread really does serve little to no purpose. It just comes across as shallow.
It's "dating" advice, not "judging cultural trends and women's body types" advice. Unless I missed the memo. To be blunt, no one really cares about what body type you prefer on a girl. A list of physically desired traits is really irrelevant to the topic at hand so I would avoid talking about it.
I just wanna point out a few things.
1) It's good you realize how dumb pursuing her was while in a relationship. Nothing positive ever comes out of chasing taken people. Even if yall were to get together the odds that shit lasts are slim
2) You need to be able to take responsibility for your actions and remove yourself from situations with this girl. It isn't your friend's problem nor should you make it their problem to watch you like a child because you dont think you can control yourself. Remove yourself. Take true responsibility for all ypur actions.
3) When you change jobs, let that shit fizzle out. Do not engage this person at all. Dont leave it to chance. Just make it happen
ZackieChan
Member
That's when you swoop in, make her feel beautiful, and smang like a boss
Cow Mengde
Banned
Good point.
This is what I mean when I don't click or get the people here. You're like wwwwwwwhhhhhhhaaaaat?
Hi GAF,
In September I joined my local hiking group on Meetup and went on a hike where I met an attractive young woman. I'm extremely shy/introverted/possibly mildly autistic and inexperienced with women but I spent some time talking and joking around with her and got to know her a little. She had just moved to the area and I got the impression she was single (although I was too shy to ask).
I then signed up for the next three hikes she went on on Meetup (each two weeks apart). Each time I spent some time talking to her and got to know her a little better each time. I also sent her a few messages on Meetup, each of which she responded to. She expressed some interest when I told her I was taking off from work to go on a hiking/sightseeing trip. On the last hike I showed her some of the pictures I took on the trip and she seemed pretty impressed. At the end of the hike she said she was looking forward to seeing me again.
After the fourth hike I signed up for a hike the following weekend that she was signed up for. However, later in the week she cancelled. I began to monitor her Meetup profile more closely and saw that she went on a hike the following weekend, but I did not sign up for this hike. Since this time (Mid November), she has not visited the Meetup page for the hiking group. I sent her a message in early December asking if she was still going to participate with the group, and she responded (I guess through the email notification since she still hasn't visited the actual site since November) and said that she was still planning on it but she had been busy due to the Holidays.
I sent her another message on Meetup on January 1, in which I wished her a happy new year and sent her a link to an imgur album containing a small handful of pictures I took of wild ponies on a hike I went on over Christmas. I thought based on her previous interactions with me that she would be impressed and would message me back. However, she did not respond to this message. It's worth noting at this point that she had never given me her last name. However, she has a pretty unusual first name so I looked up her first name on linkedin and found her profile (along with her full name and a bunch of other information about her which she has posted in her resume).
At this point I started to feel I was overstepping my bounds a little bit, but I do like her a lot and wanted to reconnect with her so I sent her a linkedin invitation. She still hadn't responded to the invitation after a week and I was getting ready to give up on her, but she finally accepted the invitation this past weekend. Now that I had her full name, I also looked her up on social media and found her instagram account, and in her most recent picture she is standing with a guy. However, I think there is a good chance that the guy is her brother or cousin rather than her boyfriend because the picture was taken on New Years Eve when she was visiting her family 250 miles away, and also his face looks very similar to hers and she doesn't have any other pictures of him. (Of course, I realize I could be wrong about this.)
Anyway, I really want to know what she thought about the wild pony pictures I had sent her on Meetup (or if she had even seen them), so I messaged her on linkedin yesterday asking if she had seen the Meetup message. (However linkedin is really stupid and automatically sent my message when I pressed enter to insert a line break, and even though the message still basically says what I wanted to say to her, I'm worried that the tone isn't quite what I wanted it to be since I didn't get a chance to fully edit it.)
So give it to me straight, GAF. Am I being a creepy stalker?
In September I joined my local hiking group on Meetup and went on a hike where I met an attractive young woman. I'm extremely shy/introverted/possibly mildly autistic and inexperienced with women but I spent some time talking and joking around with her and got to know her a little. She had just moved to the area and I got the impression she was single (although I was too shy to ask).
I then signed up for the next three hikes she went on on Meetup (each two weeks apart). Each time I spent some time talking to her and got to know her a little better each time. I also sent her a few messages on Meetup, each of which she responded to. She expressed some interest when I told her I was taking off from work to go on a hiking/sightseeing trip. On the last hike I showed her some of the pictures I took on the trip and she seemed pretty impressed. At the end of the hike she said she was looking forward to seeing me again.
After the fourth hike I signed up for a hike the following weekend that she was signed up for. However, later in the week she cancelled. I began to monitor her Meetup profile more closely and saw that she went on a hike the following weekend, but I did not sign up for this hike. Since this time (Mid November), she has not visited the Meetup page for the hiking group. I sent her a message in early December asking if she was still going to participate with the group, and she responded (I guess through the email notification since she still hasn't visited the actual site since November) and said that she was still planning on it but she had been busy due to the Holidays.
I sent her another message on Meetup on January 1, in which I wished her a happy new year and sent her a link to an imgur album containing a small handful of pictures I took of wild ponies on a hike I went on over Christmas. I thought based on her previous interactions with me that she would be impressed and would message me back. However, she did not respond to this message. It's worth noting at this point that she had never given me her last name. However, she has a pretty unusual first name so I looked up her first name on linkedin and found her profile (along with her full name and a bunch of other information about her which she has posted in her resume).
At this point I started to feel I was overstepping my bounds a little bit, but I do like her a lot and wanted to reconnect with her so I sent her a linkedin invitation. She still hadn't responded to the invitation after a week and I was getting ready to give up on her, but she finally accepted the invitation this past weekend. Now that I had her full name, I also looked her up on social media and found her instagram account, and in her most recent picture she is standing with a guy. However, I think there is a good chance that the guy is her brother or cousin rather than her boyfriend because the picture was taken on New Years Eve when she was visiting her family 250 miles away, and also his face looks very similar to hers and she doesn't have any other pictures of him. (Of course, I realize I could be wrong about this.)
Anyway, I really want to know what she thought about the wild pony pictures I had sent her on Meetup (or if she had even seen them), so I messaged her on linkedin yesterday asking if she had seen the Meetup message. (However linkedin is really stupid and automatically sent my message when I pressed enter to insert a line break, and even though the message still basically says what I wanted to say to her, I'm worried that the tone isn't quite what I wanted it to be since I didn't get a chance to fully edit it.)
So give it to me straight, GAF. Am I being a creepy stalker?
ZackieChan
Member
Cow Mengde
Banned
Hell yeah. But I don't want to make vern feel bad.
Sorry man, but that is stalking.
You should definitely try and meet other girls if you have the means thanks to the app.
Even though I haven't met anyone that I find all that right for me, it is good to meet more people just for the sake of it. Like vern said, I gave up too early, and I should go back and try to meet more people.
Only way you could make me feel bad is if you send me photos of wild ponies constantly.
ZackieChan
Member
Yes. My god man. You gotta pull back the reins hard on those wild ponies
Messofanego
Banned
You are indeed a creepy stalker, and goddamnit, read the thread title. Just ask her out on a date. If she's not replying to messages, you've got your sign that she's not interested in you in that way.
Gotdatmoney
Member
Yes.
Anytime younare monitoring someone's activity like that it is really fucking weird.
As opposed to chewing you out over this I'll just make it really plain. Next time you meet someone and you are enjoying being around them, just ask them on a date. All of this would be avoided if on the second hike you just went "hey, I enjoy talking to you, how about we meet up for a date Wed for drinks?"
Do that next time. Don't do any of the stuff you outlined in your post again.
Cow Mengde
Banned
Also, you don't have to be afraid of rejection, because you never have to see her again if she rejects you. This is why I was against my coworker for asking out his friend, since if he fails, the friendship could be ruined. It wouldn't be easy to see her again as friends, that's for sure.
Ray Wonder
Founder of the Wounded Tagless Children
Absolutely. You don't "monitor" people's pages unless you're their SO and they went missing or some shit.
I agree with this. The most valuable thing I've learned how to do is not care when I get rejected. Just ask, if it's gonna be it will, if not move on.
Count Dookkake
Member
Oh, boy.
Monitoring.
Monitoring.
Messofanego
Banned
When you're already possessive before even a date, it's a bad sign, though.
Cow Mengde
Banned
A little self awareness goes a long way.
Gotdatmoney
Member
Ruining the friendship is such an overated fear. Friends come and go. That is life. Are you never going to go after what you want because you fear losing something that isn't even 100% your choice to begin with?
If you want it you should ask. If the friendship is "that" important to you you 1) wouldnt even consider doing this at all and 2) wouldn't be miserablr over not having a romantic relationship with this person.
Also, if you are not like, weird about it and pose your question right, your friendship doesnt have to die unless the other person wants it to. The other actual problem is people cant pick up on obvious signs this person does not like you. Just cause you talk a lot and hang out with someone that doesn't imply feels are present.
Basically. It's not an indictment on your character because some girl/guy told you no when you expressed interest. It's w/e, shake it off and move on.
In life we never get anywhere if we arent gonna take any sort of actions. Just ask. Have some pride in yourself believe you are good enough to get what you want.
I know. Believe me I feel terrible about it. Very few of my friends know it went down. One of them today told me that I shouldn't feel bad as it isn't up to me for her to remain faithful. I disagree with him. I should have done everything I could to not let this happen. It turns out the values I thought I had got thrown out of the window the first time they ever got tested. And that's on me.
I do take responsibility. It is on me. I just have a very good friend that treats me like a big brother and she wants to help me any way she can. It'll never come to that she needs to drag me out of somewhere, because I am never going to be drunk and alone with this woman again.
Yes. Last night she was all "you take what time you need but I don't want to lose you as a friend". But she has to. We have to lose each other as friends. I said to a friend today that I need to because, frankly, I am scared shitless this is going to happen again. I don't want to make a huge statement, I'm just going to let it fizzle out.
Thanks for listening and taking the time to respond.
Cow Mengde
Banned
I know friends come and go. I've never felt that way for a friend before, and I do have friends of the opposite sex. In my mind, it's kind of unbearable if it were to happen to me.
I guess I'm too sentimental. I actually don't mind friends going their separate ways, I just don't like the idea of a friendship going south because of a mistake. Again, probably talking out of my ass in this situation.
Gotdatmoney
Member
Asking a friend out is not a mistake if their answer wasn't obvious before hand. I dunno. People put too much stock in "ruining" friendships. I love my friends but like, we all are gonna do what is good for us in the end. I hold no ill will, if they do that is not really my problem.
Mattlikewhoa
Member
It's almost like I knew what was going to happen next...
always crazy bacon
Banned
Rjc571 that's cheaper behaviour, the part where you questioned if you were overstepping the line and then justified it becuse you really like her is where you went wrong. If you like a girl ask her for coffee and get accepted or rejected then and there and just move on.
Gotdatmoney
Member
As a side note I love this line. I always laugh when someone uses this. As if your desires matter at all in this lol. A friendship takes 2 willing individuals. You think making this appeal to emotion means anything if I dont want it? Lulz. Okay then.
No problem.
Hi again Dating GAF.
Went on a date yesterday night. A Tinder match asked me out and I agreed. I was quite nervous because it was the first time I had a date with someone I've never seen in the flesh before. She probably noticed but that's okay. After an hour of somewhat uneasy conversation (and 2 beers) things went smoother. It's an interesting, tiny, cute looking lady with brains. One thing I notice is that she looks extremely like one of my female friends. So much it disturbed me. Anyway, she's an art teacher, she's into jazz, blues, art (duh) and cooking. I have absolutely no interest in those things, whatsoever. Despite that, we had some pretty great conversations. Wouldn't exactly call it a "click" but it wasn't boring, neither. We stayed at the bar until we got kicked out (because they were closing). I could tell she was getting kinda drunk, and I didn't mind.
We live close to each other and I offered to walk the same way for a certain distance. During the walk I told her that I was nervous for this date. She found it endearing and then she tried to wrap her arm around mine. We were walking side by side. My immediate knee jerk reaction was to pull my arm away. I didn't even think about it, it just happened. Obviously she noticed. We walk up to the street where I had planned to say goodbye and she says something like "Oh, if you want, you can walk me home". I decide not to, I give her a peck on the cheek and say something in the vein of "I'll see you next time". To which she replied "Okay, but this time, you'll have to ask me out". I agree and walk home.
When I'm home in bed, something hits me. She asked me to walk her home? That means she could've invited me inside (her house) and maybe we could've done more than "pecks on the cheek".
I'm puzzled by my own reaction when she tried to make physical contact. It's kinda hard to tell why. The girl is interesting but there are no common interests. That, and I'm wondering if I'm thinking too much into the whole "walk me home" thing. What do you guys think? Have I been oblivious?
Thinking of setting up a second date to determine if I'd be more interested in friendship or dating.
Went on a date yesterday night. A Tinder match asked me out and I agreed. I was quite nervous because it was the first time I had a date with someone I've never seen in the flesh before. She probably noticed but that's okay. After an hour of somewhat uneasy conversation (and 2 beers) things went smoother. It's an interesting, tiny, cute looking lady with brains. One thing I notice is that she looks extremely like one of my female friends. So much it disturbed me. Anyway, she's an art teacher, she's into jazz, blues, art (duh) and cooking. I have absolutely no interest in those things, whatsoever. Despite that, we had some pretty great conversations. Wouldn't exactly call it a "click" but it wasn't boring, neither. We stayed at the bar until we got kicked out (because they were closing). I could tell she was getting kinda drunk, and I didn't mind.
We live close to each other and I offered to walk the same way for a certain distance. During the walk I told her that I was nervous for this date. She found it endearing and then she tried to wrap her arm around mine. We were walking side by side. My immediate knee jerk reaction was to pull my arm away. I didn't even think about it, it just happened. Obviously she noticed. We walk up to the street where I had planned to say goodbye and she says something like "Oh, if you want, you can walk me home". I decide not to, I give her a peck on the cheek and say something in the vein of "I'll see you next time". To which she replied "Okay, but this time, you'll have to ask me out". I agree and walk home.
When I'm home in bed, something hits me. She asked me to walk her home? That means she could've invited me inside (her house) and maybe we could've done more than "pecks on the cheek".
I'm puzzled by my own reaction when she tried to make physical contact. It's kinda hard to tell why. The girl is interesting but there are no common interests. That, and I'm wondering if I'm thinking too much into the whole "walk me home" thing. What do you guys think? Have I been oblivious?
Thinking of setting up a second date to determine if I'd be more interested in friendship or dating.
DJ Lushious
Member
Hopefully a quick question for the bunch. For a reply message, should I be concerned about message length? Or am I just being neurotic? It'd all be contextual/continuing a conversation.
From what you've told us, though, it sounds like the window of opportunity hasn't closed. She's still open to a next time and your admittance of being nervous gave her some context to what otherwise might've been anti-social behavior.
Also, she loves the blues! That's a chick worth getting to know, if you ask me. ;-)
That's a damned fine rule.
Without a doubt.
From what you've told us, though, it sounds like the window of opportunity hasn't closed. She's still open to a next time and your admittance of being nervous gave her some context to what otherwise might've been anti-social behavior.
Also, she loves the blues! That's a chick worth getting to know, if you ask me. ;-)
Incendiary
Banned
Any time anyone uses the word "monitor" in regards to a relationship, you know you're in for a ride. Especially if it's not even a relationship yet. Unless they're talking about computers.
Your reaction to physical contact may or may not have put her off. I'd say if she was drunk and offering to let you walk her home, she was probably up for more than just a peck on the cheek.
Second date can go two ways - either she's cool with taking it slow and will say yes when you ask her out, or she was looking for physical companionship and is not going to respond when you contact her again. That being said, all signs point towards her being into you, so I'd say you have a good shot at the second date.
Keep in mind just because you don't have common interests doesn't mean you can't have physical chemistry. She could just want to jump your bones, regardless of whether you also like art.
Gotdatmoney
Member
Naw man. You want be her bf. If you just wanted to be her friend you wouldn't be here asking for advice in the first place. This isn't gonna get easier for ya until you admit to yourself what you actually wanted.
You can't be friends because (ignoring the entire cheating thing) you have feelings for this person far past normal in a platonic friendship. Even if the cheating never happened and she broke up with her bf, you are simply more invested in her than a reasonably healthy friendship would allow.
You may have had a friendship by label but your feelings certainly are not consistent with a healthy one.
I once was chatting on Tinder with a lady that, whilst drunk, was messaging me trying to get me to go into town. I just wasn't up for it, I forget why, but we agreed to meet up a few days later. At some point she must have got worried that she was being too flirty (not being particularly good at flirting I tend to avoid it) and sent me a message asking if I was meeting her just for sex, because she doesn't do that. I reply with something along the lines that I am looking for connection, if I get that then other stuff can come later.
So I went into the date with this in my head, that she was worried about me just wanting something physical, so I made a mental decision going in to the date that such things were off the table. The most important thing was that she felt comfortable and if we had a second date things could progress there. I thought I was being a good guy.
At the end of the date we talked a bit in the street, she lived nearby and I had to get a train home. We both said we'd had a great time and I gave her a hug. We were both tipsy and messaged each other a lot on the way home. She said she wanted to see me again. All's good.
Fast forward to the morning and she messages saying she thinks I am friendzoned because she is a very physical person and she felt I was too standoffish in that area. Which I had been to make her comfortable as she had expressed concern that all I wanted was something physical.
People be weird.
Which is why I know I can't be her friend.
I think you misunderstood me. Maybe it is put better like this:
I want to be able to be her friend. But I know I can't.
Pasta_Soup
Member
Seems like every action you displayed to her indicated you weren't really interested. She tries to link arms, you pull away. She basically invites her to her place, you say no. Don't be surprised if another date doesn't happen.
If you're attracted to her, and you're getting along and enjoying her company, why does it matter if you don't share any major interests at this point in time? From your description of her, she sounds very cool.
I always enjoyed meeting people with different interests from mine, as it allowed for an opportunity to share and discuss each other's passions, and lead to interesting dates doing things I wouldn't normally do.
hydrophilic attack
Member
Yeah, she probably wanted more than a peck (though not necessarily the D). Try to set up another date soon and be a bit more pro-active
Why can't I spot those things while they happen. Ugh.
Yes, of course. But I'm not particularly physically attracted to her either. She's got a cute demeanor and she's far from physically unattractive, but she doesn't really do anything for me. It's not like I wanted to jump her bones. Plus, when I look at her she immediately reminds me of my friend. It gives me the heebie-jeebies. Then again, I wouldn't mind some good ol' schmangin'...
She also didn't come across as the "physical companionship" type... But I shouldn't judge a book by it's cover.
Going by my initial reaction when she attempted to get more physical it seems like I'm not interested or ready for stuff like this. I'll talk to my therapist about it.
Either way, thanks for the responses dudes.
DJ Lushious
Member
Eh, it comes with more experience. Just learn from this encounter.
You know you better than any of us. If she's interesting to talk to, then go out a second time. It's not like you had a miserable time and she clearly had fun. Try going with the flow on this one and just have fun.
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