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Dating Age |OT$6| Just ask her out already
- Thread starter gaiages
- Start date
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crap monkey
Member
You can see why I'd be confused, right? I've never been so confident in how a girl felt about me only to be so wrong. It's not like Ive never been wrong about that before, but she threw out some strong signs and I read them wrong the whole way. Really made me question how I saw things for a while. Also glad to hear if something is there, its on her. I definitely would feel dumb if i asked again and got another no -_-
Miles Quaritch
Member
Two options.
Ask her out again and see what happens (lose a good friendship) or accept that she rejected you and it's time to move on.
I'm also left wondering if she's actually teasing and flirting or if you're picking up mixed signals when she's only being friendly and comfortable around you because she sees you as a friend. The comment about 'we seem perfect each other' suggests a helluva lot of investment on your part. If it were true, why did she reject you and not make any moves since? Take a step back, keep her as a friend but create some distance so you start to date others.
And why does she message before she goes to bed? She's bored and she knows you'll reply is the cynical answer. I suggest not engaging one night and seeing what happens.
My main piece of advice. Move on.
Ask her out again and see what happens (lose a good friendship) or accept that she rejected you and it's time to move on.
I'm also left wondering if she's actually teasing and flirting or if you're picking up mixed signals when she's only being friendly and comfortable around you because she sees you as a friend. The comment about 'we seem perfect each other' suggests a helluva lot of investment on your part. If it were true, why did she reject you and not make any moves since? Take a step back, keep her as a friend but create some distance so you start to date others.
And why does she message before she goes to bed? She's bored and she knows you'll reply is the cynical answer. I suggest not engaging one night and seeing what happens.
My main piece of advice. Move on.
DeathoftheEndless
Crashing this plane... with no survivors!
She said she wasn't interested and was looking for a different kind of relationship. You've already got your answer. You've spent way too much time being invested in this girl that from all evidence isn't into you.
If you really think things have changed, then ask her out. Then you can move on with your life.
crap monkey
Member
I accepted it, at least when it happened back then. Like I said, communication stopped after a while. I didn't chase her around, sending her messages everyday. I simply tried to keep being a friend, and only when I realized that my feelings were stronger than I thought after she turned me down I made less of an effot. It's only because she happened to be at the same bar I was at nearly a year after we stopped talking and then texted me what she texted me that I started to think differently.
I know the "perfect for each other" line is cliche, but the sentiment stems from our shared interests (which is more than I listed) and how similar we tend to think about things, at least from the conversations we've had. I was willing to get invested again because I believed it might be worth something if there was indeed something there, but I don't feel strongly enough about it to put myself out there again.
And yeah I wont respond the next time she texts me that. I got an inkling of the same thing, that she liked the attention I was giving her, especially back then. I omitted some previous texts shes sent me which would corroborate this, for the sake of brevity in my post. But I thought that might not have been fair to her and I was coming across as cynical or bitter in my post if I put that idea out there myself. I'm glad you seemed to notice it too though.
What should I be looking out for when I ignore that inevitable text? I do want to stay friends with her this time after all.
Miles Quaritch
Member
Some guys aren't used to having good female friends, so see their friendly behaviour is seen as flirting and being a hint towards them wanting more.
Why would she compliment me if she didn't want me. Why would she 'flirt' or 'tease' me if she wasn't interested. Females friends generally don't act in the same way as male friends, you need to learn that female friends will make more of a point to compliment you if you've made major changes, they'll touch you, hug you, get too close when sitting next to you and lots of other shit that will make it seem like they are interested, but it'll only come across in that way if you're interested in them and secretly hoping your 'friendship' evolves into more.
crap monkey
Member
I don't think spending a little under a year's worth of time not talking or hanging with her would qualify as spending too much time invested, kinda the opposite. I admit that the month or so when I first met her and then only about a week and a half since we started talking again was invested, but in the grand scheme of things I think that's pretty well managed. I'm sure some people have been in similar situations, no? I just wanted clarification, the opinions been pretty much consensus, and I'm content ti leave it that way, if things change, leave that up to her. The only investment from me now on will be the same amount of investment I make in keeping up relations like I would any other friend.
So I guess I'm an idiot then? I admit I dont have a lot of female friends, but its not like I thought they were all into me at some point either, most of them were always just that, friends. Do I really come across as that clueless? What signs should I be looking for? Apparently flirting and touching don't constitute signs of interest. Let me know or else I'm gonna look even dumber in the future.
Miles Quaritch
Member
Lots of people will share similar interests, does that mean you're perfect for each other every single damn time? Come on, that's a sign of over-investment. We share this, that and the other in common, we're just perfect for each other, we should totally be together.
Stop that.
Look for nothing. If your friendship with her hinges on you replying to her bored late night messages, it's not really a friendship is it? She'll accept you're busy and message you when you're not. Treat it like a friendship you have with your guy friends, there's absolutely no reason to treat her differently, the only reason you're doing so is because you've caught feelings for her and haven't been able to move past her first rejection.
Miles Quaritch
Member
Good luck, let us know how it goes.
crap monkey
Member
I didn't know that phrasing would be so incendiary. I guess the way I typed it out implied something I didnt mean to. I dont feel entitled to her feelings because we share common interests, I apologize if it came across that way. It was common interests along with how she treated me that made me feel the way I did, but theres no obligation for her to feel the same way. I was wrong to think she might feel the same way about me, you guys have made that clear, but I think its natural to feel that way when youre trying to parse whether someone returns your feelings, but thats the whole point of coming to you guys, right? Y'all did right by me and I appreciate it. I dont know where the "every single damn time" comes from. I thought that way in this instance, yeah, but I guess you see it often enough when discussing stuff like this its a common sentiment and that can be frustrating. This is my first time posting about this stuff.
You're right, I am treating her differently. I'm not understanding why you dont think I've moved past the rejection though. I moved past it the first time around, but I felt bad about the way I did it even though I think it was, like I said, the right thing for me at the time. I'm being cautious. When I asked "what should I look for?" I simply wanted some guidance on where to go from there. I legitimately didn't know. Maybe I was supposed to look for a sign of annoyance, maybe i should have waited for her to text me again, maybe i was supposed to say sorry for missing it the next day, thats a common response when i miss a friends text. I dont trust my response (or lack of response) because I felt shitty about the way I did it the first time. Im proceeding with the mindset that she doesnt have feelings for me, and if she does, its on her to let me know. I was looking for guidance on my own actions and you guys have been pretty clear on that, Im too caught up in my own perspective and all the subtleties that my own biases bring to the situation to see it the ways you guys saw it. Thats why I posted it after all.
Messofanego
Banned
As long as you don't push it, you're doing fine. Meanwhile, look for other people.
Went on another date last night with a different girl. She seemed shy and quiet at first but opened up by the end. It didn't take me long to know that her and I weren't going to proceed very far. I kept giving her a chance to woo me but little incompatibilities crept up. (She's religious and I'm not, for one.) But the most unorthodox thing that sealed it for me was when she asked me what I would ask on a date like this.
I was taken aback by this.
At that point, I disconnected from trying to get to know her and just providing advice; I essentially gave her a tutorial on online dating. It turns out that I was the first person she ever met. She said it was a positive experience and that I was "pretty normal". (I called her out on the "pretty" qualifier and made her laugh.) By now, she's telling me she's not sure what kind of person she's looking for what she likes etc etc. I was happy to make her laugh and basically entertain her questions for the remainder of the date.
Has this ever happened with any of you? Go on a date and then end up giving dating advice?
As for myself, the girl I met up with last Saturday and I seem to be getting closer even if it's just via text. She's already giving me nicknames and is very receptive to meeting up again when our schedules permit. It's Lunar New Year next weekend and I'm planning to get her a small gift. I usually don't start dropping gifts this early but with holiday coming up, this shouldn't be too forward right?
I was taken aback by this.
At that point, I disconnected from trying to get to know her and just providing advice; I essentially gave her a tutorial on online dating. It turns out that I was the first person she ever met. She said it was a positive experience and that I was "pretty normal". (I called her out on the "pretty" qualifier and made her laugh.) By now, she's telling me she's not sure what kind of person she's looking for what she likes etc etc. I was happy to make her laugh and basically entertain her questions for the remainder of the date.
Has this ever happened with any of you? Go on a date and then end up giving dating advice?
As for myself, the girl I met up with last Saturday and I seem to be getting closer even if it's just via text. She's already giving me nicknames and is very receptive to meeting up again when our schedules permit. It's Lunar New Year next weekend and I'm planning to get her a small gift. I usually don't start dropping gifts this early but with holiday coming up, this shouldn't be too forward right?
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
Yes, to the first question. I look at dates that end in friendship (and there have been three so far) as successes.
As far as the gift, I got the girl I'm seeing a $12 book for Christmas; we'd had maybe two dates at that point. Shoot for something that's obviously inexpensive but still shows that you've been paying attention.
ZackieChan
Member
Probably because you've written the equivalent of four novellas in this thread about a girl you haven't even kissed. You clearly haven't moved past anything, and I haven't even read 98% of your post content.
crap monkey
Member
Fair, I was trying to put everything in context as best I could. I guess if I had just posted what happened in the past two weeks you wouldnt think so, but then the advice would have just been ask her out, and that doesnt really help when I've already done that. Definitely the most confused I've felt about a girl since highschool, I guess I should just boil down everything that happens to me in the context of two week intervals.
Yeah. I felt it was a successful date as well and I made my intentions clear that there will be nothing more than friendship.
It won't be anything extravagant. She enjoys tea and with the new year and everything, I thought an assortment of fancy teas would be fitting.
Miles Quaritch
Member
Monkey, I'd ask why you're treating her differently if you're over the rejection?
Seems you've been holding onto hope that things can go somewhere, you didn't process the rejection, you just buried it and now that you think she's sending signals she might be interested, all those feelings you didn't deal with at the time have come rushing back and left you wondering what the fuck is going on.
All it took was some positive attention, just a hint and you're wondering what you should do and if she's interested.
Actions speak louder than words and your actions are screaming "I'm not over her"
Create some distance, work on dealing with your feelings and learn how to treat her like any other friend. If you can't do that, call off the friendship.
Your other options are to ask her out again or keep hanging on to the hope she sees you the way you see her and you have that moment where it all clicks...
Seems you've been holding onto hope that things can go somewhere, you didn't process the rejection, you just buried it and now that you think she's sending signals she might be interested, all those feelings you didn't deal with at the time have come rushing back and left you wondering what the fuck is going on.
All it took was some positive attention, just a hint and you're wondering what you should do and if she's interested.
Actions speak louder than words and your actions are screaming "I'm not over her"
Create some distance, work on dealing with your feelings and learn how to treat her like any other friend. If you can't do that, call off the friendship.
Your other options are to ask her out again or keep hanging on to the hope she sees you the way you see her and you have that moment where it all clicks...
To Monkey, I'd say stay patient, keep spending time with and texting her like usual. Let the ball be in her court, but if time permits do more stuff with her. Go out to eat, go places, go to a show, for drinks. Whatever. You don't have to call it a date, but the more you are in her zone, the more of a chance you have for her to make a move at some point, or give you more definable signs.
Don't put other dates and your life on hold by any means, but don't tell her about them or talk them up or anything either.
Don't put other dates and your life on hold by any means, but don't tell her about them or talk them up or anything either.
always crazy bacon
Banned
yes, the platonic best friend back door gambit. It's not going to work for Monkey he over analyses too much. He needs to move on and not wait for her to "change" her mind.
You need to ask yourself what you were *hoping* the response in this thread was gonna be. Be honest with yourself. What *you* want should be the most important thing to you. Act accordingly.
If you are truly okay with just being her friend, then stop thinking "what if", and start talking to other girls. And don't spend your evenings texting with her just because she's bored. You wouldn't do that shit with a male friend either.
But if you want to know if there's romantic potential then you should just ask her out again. Yeah, the ball is in her court but you don't know if she's even playing. You could be waiting for months or years for her to make a move. So just get it over with. She didn't take it the wrong way the first time, you'll probably survive a second.
The third option: do what Jetman says above, wait patiently for months wondering if you're in the friendzone or not, while you slowly lose your mind.
I must note that I'm not a strong believer in friendship with girls you're romantically interested in, so this colors my perspective.
First tinder meeting in like...6 months? I don't remember the last time.
It seemed to be going fine but then the guy bailed after 20 minutes lmao. 😂
I just wanted to share because it was pretty funny. Every time I go on a tinder outing, they get shorter with the guys bailing even more quickly! Hopefully if there's a next one, it will be 5-10 minutes and I can get home around the same time I always do lol.
It seemed to be going fine but then the guy bailed after 20 minutes lmao. 😂
I just wanted to share because it was pretty funny. Every time I go on a tinder outing, they get shorter with the guys bailing even more quickly! Hopefully if there's a next one, it will be 5-10 minutes and I can get home around the same time I always do lol.
names2hard4you
Member
I want to sympathise with you but if this is a recurring issue, do you believe there to be a reason for it (other than you know, dumbasses being dumbasses)? Be honest to yourself here.
Oh I don't need sympathy. It made me laugh and I wanted to share. Yes, I know the issue, but I won't mention it because then everyone will get combative with me lol.
I know the issue though, I just wanted to share a funny story.
Yes, I know the issue, but I won't mention it because then everyone will get combative with me lol.
I know the issue though, I just wanted to share a funny story.
Is this something you stated before? I'm super curious what it is now that you phrase it like that. But it sounds like you brought it up and it bothered people in the thread.
Edit:
One of the dating threads had a couple people from the same relative area that had trouble meeting decent guys, right? Like everyone they met was awful. I wanna say it was in Canada?
names2hard4you
Member
Yes, I know the issue, but I won't mention it because then everyone will get combative with me lol.
I know the issue though, I just wanted to share a funny story.
Understood, not gonna pry further.
Hey I had one of those too and it was a mutual agreement of sorts. The location we were supposed to go to was full and would only have space for us in 2hrs. We went to the nearest coffee shop, and small talk for less than an hour led to us realizing we were just not into each other and looking for different things. We walked back to the subway station laughing at it all, wished each other luck and never talked again.
Messofanego
Banned
But we don't know the issue. Unless if you just want to keep it all vague and to relay a bad experience, with not wanting to ask for advice.Oh I don't need sympathy. It made me laugh and I wanted to share. Yes, I know the issue, but I won't mention it because then everyone will get combative with me lol.
I know the issue though, I just wanted to share a funny story.
always crazy bacon
Banned
You can laugh it off as much as you like and blame the men but there's only one constant in all those dates. You need to look at yourself and find out why.
Yes, so I won't do so anymore. Don't worry about it.
Anyway. Like I said, it made me laugh, so I just wanted to share the funny.
Edit: lol you guys! I'm not looking for advice or sympathy or anything. It was just a funny thing that I thought was funny and thought you guys might find it humourous.
always crazy bacon
Banned
Oh I don't need sympathy. It made me laugh and I wanted to share. Yes, I know the issue, but I won't mention it because then everyone will get combative with me lol.
I know the issue though, I just wanted to share a funny story.
Sorry it's not a funny story.
Generally this topic is one of support and advice, not to mock dating failures of men who bailed. I'd say by the coyness of your holding back information even in this topic you seem to misrepresented yourself in someway. Only to reveal it on the date and then mock the guys who realized they were wasting their time with you.
If you expect us to laugh at them you've seriously misjudged the tone of this topic.
Okay then lol.
Count Dookkake
Member
God I wish I knew what your problem was.
Vancouver. Apparently everyone there's all coked up.
At minimum, low self-esteem. Leeness paints herself as some horrible lizard person, when gaffers who've met her describe her as quite nice.
I thought it was funny lol.
Did he wait until you were in the bathroom or straight up do it?
"WELL ANYWAY, I gotta go, bye".
Anyway, I apologize if I made people here mad? It was just something that made me laugh and I wanted to share, that's all. So again, my apologies.
Ah right, Vancouver. Thanks. Wonder if we have any people here with success stories from there
Haha perfection
crap monkey
Member
I guess I don't really know how I'm treating her differently? You said the next time shes sends me a late night text asking what I'm up to, I shouldn't respond. I asked what to look for because I thought you had an idea of what response/action would follow and I should be aware of it. Theres only a few things that could be followed up with, right? She either sends me another text some other time, she never sends me another text, or she waits for me to text her. I get that she likes the attention, but I'm confused as to how that means I treat her differently than a male friend when I respond to those texts? I wouldn't really ignore a male friends text either. Usually if they're asking me what im up to its because they have a plan in mind, to hang out or ask me something important, no matter the time they send it. If I cant respond in the moment, I'll text them back later. The difference is when she asks me what im up to the intention is to hang out or start a conversation. I guess there are reasons I shouldnt respond to that? When we hang out I flirt with her, I admit thats something I dont do with my guy friends, but thats because flirting with a guy friend isnt really a thing guys do unless its a joke to make them feel uncomfortable. I'm not trying to be obstinate, really. I think I would understand better if, for example, I were hanging out with a friend and she asked me to help her study or do something and I dropped everything then and there to go, that's def something I wouldn't do for a guy friend. I have done that in the past during my highschool and middle school (especially middle school, ugh) years but learned to ignore those impulses (arguably the beta orbiter trope) until they went away, even if it meant limiting interaction with that person.
I mean obviously I have feelings here, or else I wouldnt take the time to even post, but getting over the rejection isnt the same as not having any feelings at all, is it? I can be ok with the decision that she wasn't interested in me, but it wouldnt change how I felt, which is why I stopped communicating back then. I stopped thinking about her eventually because I got caught up in other stuff and didnt see her, so that was that. Im guessing I didn't really get over her then...because youre right, when I saw her again and it felt like we hadnt seen each other for one day, not one year, to me that meant that there was something there, those feelings came flooding back. I acknowledge it must be all from me. You guys helped with that, so thanks again (sincerely!).
I guess my next question is whats next? What does dealing with feelings intend? After making sure I would at least remain friends this time around I dont want to to go back on that and immediately distance myself for the next few weeks after only seeing her a week and change ago. There's gotta be a balance, because honestly, her friend group would be a great chance to find someone else and move on.
I mean I came in hoping that I wasn't seeing things that werent there. I was wrong. Yes I would have liked to date her, but I'm not gonna push it, believe me when I say I want to spend my time on some body that returns those feelings, just gotta find them first. Doesn't mean I can't control my feelings, get over it and still have a friend, I believe having a close female friend to go to for advice and a different perspective on things is important. That's usually been filled by gfs before. Now that im single i dont have it,
Yeah, it's never worked for me before, once I get comfortable in a spot I tend not to shift. I know my place, the hardest part is finding where that place is, I know it now. I'm not the most objective when it comes to my feelings. I feel from all these response that you guys think I'm waiting on her hand and foot. It really isnt like that...
Hey GAF, some background: I'm male, friend #1 is female, and friend #2 is female.
Back in December, a close friend of mine (friend #1) suggested I ask out one of her newly single friends (friend #2) who I've met a number of times. It wasn't a good time for me to date then, but come January, friend #2 is still definitely single, and friend #1 suggests (again) that I ask her out.
So, I asked friend #2 if she'd like to get dinner some time. Her response was "I don't know," followed by either "I don't know who I am" or "I don't know what I want"I can't quite remember. Anyway, I said OK and that was that.
My inclination is either that "I don't know" means "No, but I don't want to have to tell you that in person", OR "I'm still not feeling great after my breakup and I'm not sure if I want a relationship right now." Either way, I'm mostly ambivalent because while I like her, I'm not infatuated with expectations, and I accept that she turned me down and have no expectations for her to "change" or "make up" her mind.
I'm curious which of my interpretations of "I don't know" seems more plausible to you guys?
Back in December, a close friend of mine (friend #1) suggested I ask out one of her newly single friends (friend #2) who I've met a number of times. It wasn't a good time for me to date then, but come January, friend #2 is still definitely single, and friend #1 suggests (again) that I ask her out.
So, I asked friend #2 if she'd like to get dinner some time. Her response was "I don't know," followed by either "I don't know who I am" or "I don't know what I want"I can't quite remember. Anyway, I said OK and that was that.
My inclination is either that "I don't know" means "No, but I don't want to have to tell you that in person", OR "I'm still not feeling great after my breakup and I'm not sure if I want a relationship right now." Either way, I'm mostly ambivalent because while I like her, I'm not infatuated with expectations, and I accept that she turned me down and have no expectations for her to "change" or "make up" her mind.
I'm curious which of my interpretations of "I don't know" seems more plausible to you guys?
I'd say the first one. In case of doubt, apply the Brad Pitt rule. Would she tell Brad Pitt "I don't know who I am" ?
Not that it matters, either way.
'I don't know' has the word 'no' in it
It's doesn't matter what the interpretation is, it's no
The Lamonster
Member
ha, I've never heard this before but it's an excellent point.
I've been talking this girl on tinder and asked her on a movie date, she said yeah. She asked me what film. Told her that I want to go split, the movie that's coming out tomorrow. She hasn't replied. So nothing.
Whatever, basically I was going to go by myself. But I was like why not.
- I have been talking to more women in person, small talk. But next. I need to ask some out and get more experience.
I want to have fun, No more desperation.
Whatever, basically I was going to go by myself. But I was like why not.
- I have been talking to more women in person, small talk. But next. I need to ask some out and get more experience.
I want to have fun, No more desperation.
...you wanted to take her to see a movie about a guy who abducts women? on a first date? Movies are terrible first dates to begin with, and that choice made it worse.
ZackieChan
Member
Yes, so I won't do so anymore. Don't worry about it.
Anyway. Like I said, it made me laugh, so I just wanted to share the funny.
Edit: lol you guys! I'm not looking for advice or sympathy or anything. It was just a funny thing that I thought was funny and thought you guys might find it humourous.
Are you like this on dates? It's a major turn-off.
Dude. Dude.
She must have seen [insert title of any of M. Night Shyamalan's films since Signs was released]. You fucked up
No man, it's funny. Ha funny funny story. I mean that was the intention of course
Heard it's a good movie, I wanted to go see it. So like I said, I was going to go by myself and since she told me that she doesn't do much/ go out. I was like you want to go ? so yeah
She must have seen [insert title of any of M. Night Shyamalan's films since Signs was released]. You fucked up
I also wanted to go see la la land because that's also good, but would think that film would kinda be awkward with all the romance and split just seemed like a film that would be interesting and surprising being a thriller. But oh well, One ticket please...
ZackieChan
Member
Just jaggin' ya bro. I asked 4 girls out this weekend. Let's see who says yes.
Hopefully someone...
Count Dookkake
Member
Mory putting in that work.
Good luck.
Good luck.
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