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[TetraGenesis]

Hey GAF... it's been a while.

So early last year I met the woman who I think I want to spend the rest of my life with... let me back it up and explain. I work in a small IT consulting company and my boss decided to hire a Russian immigrant because she was brilliant.. but also my boss is a pervert and he must have been shocked to see someone in the computer science field as attractive as her. At first I thought nothing of it, there was the obvious physical attraction but I knew she was married so I tried to pay no mind to it. We spent eight hours a day, every day together, and developed a really beautiful friendship. She didn't have a car so I would drop her off at the train station every day, and we would go to lunch together - spending an increasing amount of time together.

It started like this.

Then she started to flirt endlessly with me. Sending texts late into the wee hours of the night and sending videos that would be seen as innaprooriate for a married woman. Hearts and kisses being sent through texts, jokes about creating an FAQ but she rather "fa-q" as in fuck you. Things continued and one day, we were setting up equipment for a major client in Miami and a giant camera fell on her head. She couldn't form sentences and I began to worry and rushed her to the hospital. I waited in the ER four hours waiting to hear back what happened.. thankfully she was okay but ever since this moment she never looked at me the same. This is when her husband learned about me since he found out that I took her to the hospital.

Months pass and we are sitting in my office and I take a look at her phone while she isn't looking. She starts to freak out and she jumps on top of me and we literally wrestle for the phone for thirty seconds or so. Meanwhile the executive of the client walks in at this moment and says "it seems you guys are having fun". After this point I had resolved to end all of this as I knew I was heading into dangerous territory. I didn't think much of it at first... but I knew the age old adage don't shit where you eat. Especially with someone who is married and doesn't even have a green card.

I was rather blunt with her in the following day, we went out for drinks and I confronted her about this whole situation and how she can't be flirting with me like this. At first she tried to play stupid, that she didn't understand what I was talking about, but then the tears started to come. She cried in my car and explained that she doesn't love her husband and that of course if she wasn't with him she would date me. She muttered under her breath that her sister wasn't the only stupid one in the family... I told her that we can remain friends, but I could tell that this wasn't an answer she wanted to hear.

She later sent me conversations with her best friend talking about how "no matter what you choose" I will always be there for you. Choose? As in, there's a choice? Holy shit? Sooner rather later I actually began to think about this, maybe I really do care for her in a way that I didn't want to. A few weeks pass and we are still flirting with each other every day... one day we take a walk down the pier in Miami and we are sitting in front of the ocean. She wraps her legs around me and we share our first kiss. It starts to rain heavily and we run throughout downtown together trying to find shelter.. at this point we are shivering wet and we embrace and kiss deeper. It was honestly one of the most romantic and beautiful moments of my life.

I thought to myself, fuck it... I couldn't help myself. We started to share more and more of these moments, every day when I would drop her off we would spend hours kissing and touching before letting go and going home. Eventually, she came to a crossroads and got into more and more fights with her husband at home. Not mentioning me or the reasons why.. but explaining to him that she doesn't feel there is love in their marriage anymore.

Some more weeks go by and she finally decided to leave her husbands apartment. She spends the next few weeks staying at her friends place and eventually she finds her own room that she shares with a few roommates. I make daily visits and we start a more traditional relationship. I cook for her, watch movies together, laugh together... and stayed the night together. We have sex together, two or three times each day.. with each time better than the last. She screams in Russian while we are fucking and it drives me crazy. This goes on for months, going on on frequent dates, renting scooters, going to concerts and so on... eventually and we start to talk about the possibility of living with each other. The guilt inside of her started to brew and she understood that she could no longer play this game, that she had to make a decision and divorce her husband.

So around month ago, she starts the conversation with him about divorcing. And everything went to shit.

She explained to him that she didn't love him anymore, that she had found someone else and even that she had sex with me. Naturally, he was furious stating how he's going to fucking kill me, repeatedly calls her a whore over and over, how she ruined his life and so on. After this fight, she entered a deep depression and began to hate herself, telling me that she can't see me because it reminds of her of things she did. I was of course heartbroken as I love this woman... eventually she breaks and tells me she misses me so much, that she loves me like she has never loved anyone before and that she needs to see me. We share a intimate week together and things seemed to be back on track... until her husband randomly showed up one evening at her apartment begging and pleading for another chance at things and how he still loves her despite all of this. She hadn't expected this given how the last time she saw him it ended, and once again she enterered sucidial depression, telling me that the guilt is all consuming. This caused me to feel like A constant seesaw, one moment feeling okay and the next feeling like I want to die.

We had a plan.. she was going to divorce her husband and we were going to move in with each since we were so madly in love. She says she still felt this way but she wasn't sure she could follow through.. that she needed to rest and gain strength. So here I am, in limbo waiting, hoping and praying that I can continue my life with her.

She continues to meet with him and try to end things.. but each time he begs and pleads with her. We start to fight, and have dozens of hour long conversations over the phone about how this was meant to be, how we can't give up after all of this, how we still love each other deeply.

On Valentines Day, we meet in person after not seeing each other for two weeks. At this point I am an emotional wreck and can't take much more of this any longer. I would go to work, come home and sleep and cry after each day... thinking that it was over. I told her if you can't follow through, I can't hold on any longer and we need to end this. She freaks out and starts going into a mass hysteria and seemingly understands how she needs to make a decision. We part with a kiss and she later decided she needed to meet with her husband once more. This time she is more straight with him... and she explains to him again that she cannot live in a loveless marriage and he seemingly finally accepts this fact and says "ok". She explains to me that she feels she can forgive herself at this point, that if he can finally accept this.. then I can move on with my life.

I plan to meet with her tomorrow.


I could go on and on for hours about our courtship and why she is worth all of this to me, as well as many other details I had missed... but I feel I have said enough.

Please do go on. I'm so invested in this.

Good luck, Vire. I really, really hope it works out for you, man.

 

[Vire]

Please do go on. I'm so invested in this.

Good luck, Vire. I really, really hope it works out for you, man.

Thank you, I will try and keep y'all posted. These past few weeks have been some of the hardest of my life. The feeling of uncertainty is soul crushing... I love this woman more than I can describe.

 

[ATF487]

I can't wait until I don't have to do this casual dating game anymore!

1) Girl 1 and I hooked up after a Super Bowl party. I really enjoyed talking to her but once I got back to her place I started to wonder if she was bipolar. Anyway, I still made dinner plans for a later date because I wasn't sure about the whole thing, and tbh I was very attracted to her. On Valentine's Day she texts me saying she isn't ready to date at the moment after getting too riled up on a date she went on the week prior to our plans. I didn't doubt her. Told her I'm around if she needs anything (not sure what her support network is like, her family is across the country, but she seems to have friends around the area)

2) Girl 2 and I had a coffee date, and it was totally fine. She seemed nice and we had a little in common but I just didn't feel that spark, and although it was an enjoyable time I am not sure she felt anything either. I said something like "Maybe I'll see what you're up to next week?" and she said sure, but I never followed up. I think coffee dates are harder to gauge than drinks.

3) Girl 3 and I went out for drinks on Monday, and I thought it went well. We seemed to enjoy each others company and stayed out for nearly three hours. Had a bit of an awkward kiss good night (my fault, I'm not always super smooth) and I texted her Thursday and haven't received a response. She was traveling Thursday through Sunday but I think I was ghosted. I'd say I'm more surprised than bummed; I had a good time but wasn't enamored with the whole thing. I'm more frustrated because I think I probably read the situation incorrectly.

Tried to set a couple of other things up but I dunno if anything will come of them. I feel like I'm getting a fair bit of attention from people I'm not interested in, and nothing from people who I want to pursue.

 

[ClydeBonFrog55]

I've only lurked this thread, but I've run into a situation that I need some advice on. So I'm working at a supermarket right now, while I go to college. I've been there for about three months. I usually working the closing shift and I work it with various different people. Well I work it sometimes with this girl, and since I've gotten here she's shown the signs that she's into me. A couple of people on the night shift have asked me if there's anything going on. I had always just been nice to her, because I'm generally a cordial person. A couple times the thought of going out with her had crossed my mind, but I never really aggressively acted upon it.

Well, that all changed this week. On Wednesday, I was working till midnight, and she was the 11' O Clock Cashier. She had been more flirty than usual this week. Constantly telling me how good my hair looked, and being playful. As I was saying, on Wednesday, we always have the 10 O'clock to 11 O'clock hour alone. I was telling her how it had been a long day for me, as by the time 10 O'clock comes around I've been at school and work all day. I told her I hadn't ate all day. She then tells me we have to get something to eat, after work. Now I have inkling of what she's intending, but I tell her that I would probably just pick up something and bring it home. Also she get's off of work at 11 and I get off at 12. So I kept telling her that I can't have her wait an hour just so we can get dinner, but she insist and eventually we just walk around the store talking from 11 to 12.

So 12 O'clock comes and we go. I can't really think of anything open at Midnight, so I tell here we can go to IHOP. We drive there and we're just having constant conversation. We get to IHOP and get something to eat, and stay there and talk for about an hour and half. Keeping with the rest of the night, the conversation flows great. The only hiccup on my part was mentioning something about a girl I went to school with looking good. My cashier girl, didn't like that at all, but from my prospective this wasn't framed as a date, totally. Anyway we get out to the car, and it's like 1:30, and she looks at me and asks what else should we do, that we can do anything. At this point the switch has flipped in my mind that this is more than just a couple of co-workers having a meal. I live in a small town so there's not a lot of entertainment late at night. So I tell her to take us to the park. It takes us around thirty minutes to get there, but again the conversation is flowing and we're having a good time. So we get to the park and we're sitting in the car talking some more, and then the conversation just starts building to that climax of I guess emotion. We're both kind of dancing around the obvious subject, with her being more apparent in what she is wanting, and I'm kind trying to reconcile this. So I go ahead and start making out with her, which eventually leads to some foreplay, this goes on for a good thirty minutes, until I decide that I can't go all the way. I didn't bring condoms, and I didn't want her to think that I'm just all about sex. Because at that moment the emotional connection was giving me a high. So I pull back, and tell here we should probably be getting back. During the ride back, we held hands the entire time, and she told me that she can be crazy at times, and that I should get use to it,(this is an important point for later). She also ask, "So you don't think I'm disgusting?", I was like obviously not. No. We get back to the supermarket, and I look at her, and ask her, if she want's me to kiss her goodnight, which she emphatically says yes to, so we make out some more. I leave and tell her she can message me later.

So fast forward two days later, she hasn't messaged me, nor have i messaged her, but I knew we would be working together so I figure I would talk to her then. We'll the whole time were there she doesn't really want to talk, and she seems sort of distant. We when we have some privacy in the break room I go ahead and ask her if everything is okay, and that I wanted to talk about the other night. I asked her if I did anything off-putting and she said no, so then I asked if she liked me, and basically what was going on. She told me I was going to be all right, and that she had somethings to work through, and that I had given her a lot to think about. So as we're leaving, at the end of the night, she's tells me she can't chat and she needs to go,( which I think I should have just taken as a hint to leave her alone), I insist walking her to her car, and I tell here there that I have some sort of feelings for her and asked, if she did for me, she kind of shook her head yes, then I told her that I'm not trying to rush her, and I don't want to hurt her, but I also don't want to be chasing something that doesn't exist. She told me she appreciated that I was honest with her. I also asked her if she wanted me to message her, and she said if I wanted to I could. The only reason I asked was she had told me about how she didn't like guys just trying to hit her up or whatever. I also told her I wasn't trying to make her uncomfortable, and she told me I wasn't.

So my first concern, is if I came across too strong? I told her I wasn't trying to be aggressive or push the issue, but I needed some clarity as too what to expect from this. My reasoning was we already know way more about each other than people who just go on a date, as we've worked together for months. Still yet, I'm worried I was too forward with my presumptions, and the problem is for whatever reason my mind flipped into that mode of wanting to pursue her for more, instead of just looking at it as one night of fun. The other probably is I don't like to beat around the bush, and I've had some experiences in the past of girls just playing with me to an extent. I don't know why this is happening either, in my past relationships it usually took me a while to go ahead and let my bluntness out. I had to feel the girl out, but with this girl I feel like I went ahead and pushed the nuclear button so to speak. I think it may have been where I've been working with her for a while and feel some sort of connection. I don't know how to really deal with this, I don't think I'm going to message her because I don't want to seem clingy or whatever, even though to extent I think she may have that impression of me because of the conversations at work two days later. My plan was to wait till we we're at work together to give her some time, and try to see where we're at. My only worry is I've already ruined my chance because of how I acted after it happened. I also went in strong, the next day, because she sort of corralled me into the date. It wasn't like I was insisting on it. So I guess my thoughts was it was fine to be more forward with her, since she seemed so focused on getting it to happen.

Also I apologize for the long post.

TLR: Had a great time with a girl I worked with, but I think I came across as too strong when I talked to her about it later.

 

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

My friend gave me control of her account and asked if I could weed out the interesting/good dudes from the lame ones.

I feel like a god.

 

[GuitarGuruu]

Come to a situation where I would like some advice because I'm probably over thinking.

So I started seeing this girl I met on Tinder for a couple weeks now. Had a great time on every date, and had sex and all that already. Anyway last Thursday she had spent the night and in the morning I brought up what she thought about us and where she saw this going because I was curious. She had told me she liked me but since we were still getting to know each other to be patient and give it a couple of weeks.

Now cut to this weekend she we have barely talked. I try to keep texting to a minimum but she had her phone off last night supposedly and then rescheduled plans we had today for tomorrow. I just wanted an opinion on this because maybe it's just that she's been busy with her friends as she's said. But I can't help but think I kind of fucked it up a bit.

 

[SweetDonuts]

People get busy. Send her a text tomorrow and if no response, move on.

I don't think anyone's ever too busy in a day to not send one text back, unless it's an extreme case. If someone wants to talk to you they'll find the time to do so.

 

[always crazy bacon]

she looks at me and asks what else should we do, that we can do anything.

her being more apparent in what she is wanting,

eventually leads to some foreplay, this goes on for a good thirty minutes,

until I decide that I can't go all the way.

"So you don't think I'm disgusting?"

two days later, she hasn't messaged me, nor have i messaged her,

Come on, you really can't see what the situation was?

She wanted the D, you "blue balled" her and then ignored her for 2 days. That's why she's off with you.

Lesson, this is what my uncle said to me when I was 16 and he was right so many times. Always carry condoms, because you never know when you're going to get the opportunity to use them.

 

[ClydeBonFrog55]

Come on, you really can't see what the situation was?

She wanted the D, you "blue balled" her and then ignored her for 2 days. That's why she's off with you.

Lesson, this is what my uncle said to me when I was 16 and he was right so many times. Always carry condoms, because you never know when you're going to get the opportunity to use them.

Maybe, but she still seemed into me by the end of it. Also she had told me before that she wasn't really into just fucking anyone casually, which is why I had my reservations as well. I guess I didn't know how far to go, and I didn't want to kill the mood asking her. Also I usually don't go to far(sexually) on first dates, so I'm going to be pretty reserved on more spontaneous meet-ups.

 

[LucidMomentum]

My friend gave me control of her account and asked if I could weed out the interesting/good dudes from the lame ones.

I feel like a god.

"Hey look, no matches except for this guy who looks just like me!"

 

[Galang]

I don't think anyone's ever too busy in a day to not send one text back, unless it's an extreme case. If someone wants to talk to you they'll find the time to do so.

I agree with this. And even though it was the first date... if I had fun I would have made 100% sure to reply to any message I received the following day. :S Otherwise I feel I'd be letting the other person think I'm not interested. The silence is a bit strange considering the communication was seemingly normal beforehand. Even if you're busy it takes less than a minute to send a simple text saying so. There's always exceptIons, but personally it's a red flag for me

 

[always crazy bacon]

Also I usually don't go to far(sexually) on first dates, so I'm going to be pretty reserved on more spontaneous meet-ups.

It wasn't a date, it was a hook up from her perspective.

 

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

"Hey look, no matches except for this guy who looks just like me!"

Nope, still going strong with that girl I met on POF at the start of January. She's awesome.

But... I came across some dicks that we've met in real life on OKC

 

[LucidMomentum]

It wasn't a date, it was a hook up from her perspective.

What, you're saying some women like having sex? Nah, can't be.

Nope, still going strong with that girl I met on POF at the start of January. She's awesome.

But... I came across some dicks that we've met in real life on OKC

That's always fun. I love running into people who I've asked out and gotten turned down on dating sites. I always send a "how's the search going?" message to mess with them.

 

[Reave]

Hey GAF... it's been a while.

So early last year I met the woman who I think I want to spend the rest of my life with... let me back it up and explain. I work in a small IT consulting company and my boss decided to hire a Russian immigrant because she was brilliant.. but also my boss is a pervert and he must have been shocked to see someone in the computer science field as attractive as her. At first I thought nothing of it, there was the obvious physical attraction but I knew she was married so I tried to pay no mind to it. We spent eight hours a day, every day together, and developed a really beautiful friendship. She didn't have a car so I would drop her off at the train station every day, and we would go to lunch together - spending an increasing amount of time together.

It started like this.

Then she started to flirt endlessly with me. Sending texts late into the wee hours of the night and sending videos that would be seen as innaprooriate for a married woman. Hearts and kisses being sent through texts, jokes about creating an FAQ but she rather "fa-q" as in fuck you. Things continued and one day, we were setting up equipment for a major client in Miami and a giant camera fell on her head. She couldn't form sentences and I began to worry and rushed her to the hospital. I waited in the ER four hours waiting to hear back what happened.. thankfully she was okay but ever since this moment she never looked at me the same. This is when her husband learned about me since he found out that I took her to the hospital.

Months pass and we are sitting in my office and I take a look at her phone while she isn't looking. She starts to freak out and she jumps on top of me and we literally wrestle for the phone for thirty seconds or so. Meanwhile the executive of the client walks in at this moment and says "it seems you guys are having fun". After this point I had resolved to end all of this as I knew I was heading into dangerous territory. I didn't think much of it at first... but I knew the age old adage don't shit where you eat. Especially with someone who is married and doesn't even have a green card.

I was rather blunt with her in the following day, we went out for drinks and I confronted her about this whole situation and how she can't be flirting with me like this. At first she tried to play stupid, that she didn't understand what I was talking about, but then the tears started to come. She cried in my car and explained that she doesn't love her husband and that of course if she wasn't with him she would date me. She muttered under her breath that her sister wasn't the only stupid one in the family... I told her that we can remain friends, but I could tell that this wasn't an answer she wanted to hear.

She later sent me conversations with her best friend talking about how "no matter what you choose" I will always be there for you. Choose? As in, there's a choice? Holy shit? Sooner rather later I actually began to think about this, maybe I really do care for her in a way that I didn't want to. A few weeks pass and we are still flirting with each other every day... one day we take a walk down the pier in Miami and we are sitting in front of the ocean. She wraps her legs around me and we share our first kiss. It starts to rain heavily and we run throughout downtown together trying to find shelter.. at this point we are shivering wet and we embrace and kiss deeper. It was honestly one of the most romantic and beautiful moments of my life.

I thought to myself, fuck it... I couldn't help myself. We started to share more and more of these moments, every day when I would drop her off we would spend hours kissing and touching before letting go and going home. Eventually, she came to a crossroads and got into more and more fights with her husband at home. Not mentioning me or the reasons why.. but explaining to him that she doesn't feel there is love in their marriage anymore.

Some more weeks go by and she finally decided to leave her husbands apartment. She spends the next few weeks staying at her friends place and eventually she finds her own room that she shares with a few roommates. I make daily visits and we start a more traditional relationship. I cook for her, watch movies together, laugh together... and stayed the night together. We have sex together, two or three times each day.. with each time better than the last. She screams in Russian while we are fucking and it drives me crazy. This goes on for months, going on on frequent dates, renting scooters, going to concerts and so on... eventually and we start to talk about the possibility of living with each other. The guilt inside of her started to brew and she understood that she could no longer play this game, that she had to make a decision and divorce her husband.

So around month ago, she starts the conversation with him about divorcing. And everything went to shit.

She explained to him that she didn't love him anymore, that she had found someone else and even that she had sex with me. Naturally, he was furious stating how he's going to fucking kill me, repeatedly calls her a whore over and over, how she ruined his life and so on. After this fight, she entered a deep depression and began to hate herself, telling me that she can't see me because it reminds of her of things she did. I was of course heartbroken as I love this woman... eventually she breaks and tells me she misses me so much, that she loves me like she has never loved anyone before and that she needs to see me. We share a intimate week together and things seemed to be back on track... until her husband randomly showed up one evening at her apartment begging and pleading for another chance at things and how he still loves her despite all of this. She hadn't expected this given how the last time she saw him it ended, and once again she enterered sucidial depression, telling me that the guilt is all consuming. This caused me to feel like A constant seesaw, one moment feeling okay and the next feeling like I want to die.

We had a plan.. she was going to divorce her husband and we were going to move in with each since we were so madly in love. She says she still felt this way but she wasn't sure she could follow through.. that she needed to rest and gain strength. So here I am, in limbo waiting, hoping and praying that I can continue my life with her.

She continues to meet with him and try to end things.. but each time he begs and pleads with her. We start to fight, and have dozens of hour long conversations over the phone about how this was meant to be, how we can't give up after all of this, how we still love each other deeply.

On Valentines Day, we meet in person after not seeing each other for two weeks. At this point I am an emotional wreck and can't take much more of this any longer. I would go to work, come home and sleep and cry after each day... thinking that it was over. I told her if you can't follow through, I can't hold on any longer and we need to end this. She freaks out and starts going into a mass hysteria and seemingly understands how she needs to make a decision. We part with a kiss and she later decided she needed to meet with her husband once more. This time she is more straight with him... and she explains to him again that she cannot live in a loveless marriage and he seemingly finally accepts this fact and says "ok". She explains to me that she feels she can forgive herself at this point, that if he can finally accept this.. then I can move on with my life.

I plan to meet with her tomorrow.


I could go on and on for hours about our courtship and why she is worth all of this to me, as well as many other details I had missed... but I feel I have said enough.

Well, I'm sure you don't need to be told this, but you're definitely in a very emotionally precarious position from all of this. I get the sense that there's a lot riding on this for you, and that you might be pretty emotionally exhausted from the wear and tear this has done. I can't say that I've ever been in a situation quite like yours before, but I can definitely scrap together bits and pieces of experiences I've had to give it a shot.

Let's get the most obvious thing out of the way first, which is that you cannot let this ordeal pin your heart into a corner anymore. If this has escalated into something that could potentially ruin you if it doesn't go the way you want it to go, you absolutely have to pull back and regain a healthier head-space. You're not going to want to do that because of how invested you are with the prospect of being with her, but you have to prioritize yourself over anything else.

The truth is, even though things are looking promising for you, you still don't really know which way she's going to go. So, to sit there and essentially leave your emotional well-being in the hands of someone that's been torn apart by her own wants, feelings, and circumstances would be a risky move, to say the absolute least. After what she's been through, it's hard to feel as if your happiness is in the best pair of hands right now.

Please don't take offense to that on her behalf. This isn't some "bail out bro" advice or anything. I'm sure she's absolutely wonderful in all the ways you described, and then some. And honestly, I think you have a good shot here. I just think it's going to be important for you to reclaim a little calmness and confidence instead of letting emotions run high, far, and wide.

Don't get lost in this. Remind yourself that you're worthwhile as a man and as a partner, and that you don't have to wear yourself down trying to campaign for her (or anyone) to choose you. Go back to being the man that dazzled her with everything that made you so special to her. And for fuck's sake, don't make yourself miserable about life whenever you feel uncertain or insecure. All that'll do is ramp up the hysterics and send this thing over the ledge. Be her lover, and be her solace from all that shit. And know that no matter what happens, continue to be your best version of yourself... for both of your sakes.

Good luck, buddy.

 

[ClydeBonFrog55]

It wasn't a date, it was a hook up from her perspective.

You're probably right, problem is I don't really have to much experience with just random hook-ups. I've basically moved from relationship to relationship, and all of those took some build-up before we had sex. With me being the one who had to escalate. The other problem is the way she talked, it seemed like she really wasn't into the whole hook-up thing.

So should I just move on? Or try explaining to her that I had reservations due to me being I guess more conservative in the way I operate?

 

[always crazy bacon]

The other problem is the way she talked, it seemed like she really wasn't into the whole hook-up thing.

Did she use any variation of the line "I don't usually do this sort of thing"?

 

[ClydeBonFrog55]

Did she use any variation of the line "I don't usually do this sort of thing"?

No, she didn't say anything like that.

 

[Vire]

Well, I'm sure you don't need to be told this, but you're definitely in a very emotionally precarious position from all of this. I get the sense that there's a lot riding on this for you, and that you might be pretty emotionally exhausted from the wear and tear this has done. I can't say that I've ever been in a situation quite like yours before, but I can definitely scrap together bits and pieces of experiences I've had to give it a shot.

Let's get the most obvious thing out of the way first, which is that you cannot let this ordeal pin your heart into a corner anymore. If this has escalated into something that could potentially ruin you if it doesn't go the way you want it to go, you absolutely have to pull back and regain a healthier head-space. You're not going to want to do that because of how invested you are with the prospect of being with her, but you have to prioritize yourself over anything else.

The truth is, even though things are looking promising for you, you still don't really know which way she's going to go. So, to sit there and essentially leave your emotional well-being in the hands of someone that's been torn apart by her own wants, feelings, and circumstances would be a risky move, to say the absolute least. After what she's been through, it's hard to feel as if your happiness is in the best pair of hands right now.

Please don't take offense to that on her behalf. This isn't some "bail out bro" advice or anything. I'm sure she's absolutely wonderful in all the ways you described, and then some. And honestly, I think you have a good shot here. I just think it's going to be important for you to reclaim a little calmness and confidence instead of letting emotions run high, far, and wide.

Don't get lost in this. Remind yourself that you're worthwhile as a man and as a partner, and that you don't have to wear yourself down trying to campaign for her (or anyone) to choose you. Go back to being the man that dazzled her with everything that made you so special to her. And for fuck's sake, don't make yourself miserable about life whenever you feel uncertain or insecure. All that'll do is ramp up the hysterics and send this thing over the ledge. Be her lover, and be her solace from all that shit. And know that no matter what happens, continue to be your best version of yourself... for both of your sakes.

Good luck, buddy.

Exactly what I needed to hear... thank you. Sometimes you get lost in the woods and need some outside perspective.

It's difficult to be old myself around her when I'm feeling so upset about the situation, but I do think I need to distance myself. It sometimes feels like I'm placing too much on this, like everything is riding on this when it's not.

 

[ginger ninja]

Great news Gaf ! I found the perfect girl through. She gets me, we get along well and she makes me feel so much better about myself. Plus she has been my first for everything physically intimate you do with a girl.

Spoiler

Anndddd I don't feel that attracted to her as I did in the begining. What in the fuck is happening.She's like the perfect person but the attraction has just drained away. This is like my first relationship so I am giving it more time(its been 4 weeks we have been talking and 2 weeks that we have been seeing each other) before I make a decision but I feel so wrong misleading her. She thinks I am crazy about her. I was in the begining, but I am not so sure anymore. I definitely don't see a future and that is making me feel guilty.

 

[Reave]

Great news Gaf ! I found the perfect girl through. She gets me, we get along well and she makes me feel so much better about myself. Plus she has been my first for everything physically intimate you do with a girl.

Anndddd I don't feel that attracted to her as I did in the begining. What in the fuck is happening.She's like the perfect person but the attraction has just drained away. This is like my first relationship so I am giving it more time(its been 4 weeks we have been talking and 2 weeks that we have been seeing each other) before I make a decision but I feel so wrong misleading her. She thinks I am crazy about her. I was in the begining, but I am not so sure anymore. I definitely don't see a future and that is making me feel guilty.

Hmm, I'm curious... did the loss of interest and attraction happen shortly after the two of you started having sex? I ask that because I've noticed that there can sometimes be a massive dropoff that occurs for many men shortly after sex enters the equation. In my personal experience with that feeling years ago, I found that it was because I mistakenly felt like we hit our peak once we started having sex, and that there was nothing left to be curious or excited about afterwards.

This kind of thing often happens when first-timers place sex on a high pedestal or the zenith of dating -- not in a shallow way, but more like not really knowing what's supposed to happen next. That can create a sense of aimlessness and confusion if gone unchecked, which can subsequently lead to the misguided feeling of no future; when in fact, there could be. You just might not be thinking broad enough to see that you haven't reached the proverbial peak.

The best way to assess that is to revisit all of her qualities and traits while asking yourself "what is it about those things that make me feel like there isn't a future for us?"

If you find yourself stumbling for an answer there, I'd turn your attention to the sex-based turning point theory and contemplate how that may have affected your perception. If, however, you can rattle off a few solid reasons about her way of being that truly does affect you, then I would look to ending it and moving forward.

 

[Advocatus Diaboli]

Great news Gaf ! I found the perfect girl through. She gets me, we get along well and she makes me feel so much better about myself. Plus she has been my first for everything physically intimate you do with a girl.

Spoiler

Anndddd I don't feel that attracted to her as I did in the begining. What in the fuck is happening.She's like the perfect person but the attraction has just drained away. This is like my first relationship so I am giving it more time(its been 4 weeks we have been talking and 2 weeks that we have been seeing each other) before I make a decision but I feel so wrong misleading her. She thinks I am crazy about her. I was in the begining, but I am not so sure anymore. I definitely don't see a future and that is making me feel guilty.

The fact that this occurred in such a short timespan means it's you, not her. She's stayed the same; it's not like anything she changed over the past few weeks.

Figure out why you're thinking differently.

The fact that she was your "first" in so many ways means it's going to be a very interesting self-analysis. Feel free to PM me, as well. Basically, as someone who's spent far too much time in unproductive relationships and pushed away those with whom I had a connection, I really don't want to see others make the mistakes I did.

So, this is a public forum.

The ex with whom I've spent some time lately, and with whom I might possibly ask out again... I grew distant from her because, like you, I became less attracted to her. On the other hand, the sexual attraction remained. I just started becoming totally nitpicky in a ridiculously shallow way. Basically, things were going so well that I started looking for excuses as a defensive mechanism. I went to a friend's wedding in China last September, and I resolved that I wanted a girl from another country because that's how you experience different languages and cultures... and I was still partially hung up on the Brazilian girl I used to date.

Look, you aren't going to know anyone in 4 weeks. If 90% of things are good and 10% of things are problematic, then focus on the whole; don't just hyper-focus on the things you don't like.

No one you EVER date will satisfy 100% of your requirements.

If someone's 90% of the way there, then work on bridging the gap. Someone who "gets you" and who you can be yourself with... that's rare. I was never myself around my fucking hot Brazilian model girlfriend, and honestly, she was never a match for me. Don't overvalue physical attractiveness to the point of undervaluing being your true, authentic self with someone.

Why don't you see a future with her? Be specific. And, by the way, "it's 4 weeks in, so how can I think about the future?" is perfectly rational.

 

[Count Dookkake]

Come to a situation where I would like some advice because I'm probably over thinking.

So I started seeing this girl I met on Tinder for a couple weeks now. Had a great time on every date, and had sex and all that already. Anyway last Thursday she had spent the night and in the morning I brought up what she thought about us and where she saw this going because I was curious. She had told me she liked me but since we were still getting to know each other to be patient and give it a couple of weeks.

Now cut to this weekend she we have barely talked. I try to keep texting to a minimum but she had her phone off last night supposedly and then rescheduled plans we had today for tomorrow. I just wanted an opinion on this because maybe it's just that she's been busy with her friends as she's said. But I can't help but think I kind of fucked it up a bit.

You should not have asked her what she thought. It's too soon and too soft.

If anything, you should have told her how you felt, but again... too soon.

Learn and move on .

 

[artsi]

Today's (probably) a date with a kind of nerdy / gamer girl I met yesterday on Tinder.

Not that I'm specifically searching for someone who plays games, but it's nice and at least there's some mutual interests so should be enough to talk about.

 

[Jhoan]

Great news Gaf ! I found the perfect girl through. She gets me, we get along well and she makes me feel so much better about myself. Plus she has been my first for everything physically intimate you do with a girl.

Spoiler

Anndddd I don't feel that attracted to her as I did in the begining. What in the fuck is happening.She's like the perfect person but the attraction has just drained away. This is like my first relationship so I am giving it more time(its been 4 weeks we have been talking and 2 weeks that we have been seeing each other) before I make a decision but I feel so wrong misleading her. She thinks I am crazy about her. I was in the begining, but I am not so sure anymore. I definitely don't see a future and that is making me feel guilty.

It seems like you feel that way because the romance phase is over so you want an excuse to bail out. It's easy to say that if you're not attracted to her, it's easy as ending it sooner rather than later. What is it about her that you don't find attractive any more? Maybe you can find some ways to spice things up in the bedroom or do different things to gain a newfound appreciation for her e.g. go hiking. I agree with AD that four weeks is nothing to go by to even really know someone. Try several months or years.

Also, personally I don't believe there's such thing as a "perfect" girl. You either hit it off with someone. they accept your flaws and quirks, like you for for who you are or they don't. It's that easy. Looks are only one half of the equation.

 

[Astral]

Great news Gaf ! I found the perfect girl through. She gets me, we get along well and she makes me feel so much better about myself. Plus she has been my first for everything physically intimate you do with a girl.

Spoiler

Anndddd I don't feel that attracted to her as I did in the begining. What in the fuck is happening.She's like the perfect person but the attraction has just drained away. This is like my first relationship so I am giving it more time(its been 4 weeks we have been talking and 2 weeks that we have been seeing each other) before I make a decision but I feel so wrong misleading her. She thinks I am crazy about her. I was in the begining, but I am not so sure anymore. I definitely don't see a future and that is making me feel guilty.

I have a pretty big fear of the spoilers. Of losing my attraction for someone and of course someone losing it for me. But I think the former is a lot scarier to me. I wouldn't know what to do and like you I'd feel really guilty.

 

[Cow Mengde]

Fuck, I think I might have lost. While I can't confirm with 100% certainty, things don't look good for me. The guy she's into really is flying back.

Oh well, my brain was telling me getting involved with her was a bad idea, and I didn't listen. Normally with a girl, I would tell myself to just let it go if I was in over my head, but when I found out she does like me, I just had to try. I did feel good when I fought back to try to win her. I did it fully knowing things could still go bad for me.

What sucks about this is it isn't a random rejection from some girl online, or even some girl I just met. We've been pretty good friends for almost a year now. It's going to be tough to face her, and I'm not sure if completely cutting her off is the right thing to do. For one thing, it's not like we were dating to begin with. A couple of months ago, I gave no shits about her romantically, and even tried to introduce her to some guys, hoping she can find someone good.

I can't even be angry at this like all my past breakups. I have no right to be angry at her. Should I cut off communication even if just for a little while? I probably won't need to hit the gym or anything, but I will put more effort into meeting other girls. I know things still aren't set in stone, but I can't sit around hoping for the best.

Besides putting more effort into finding a girl, does anyone have any good advice to approach this situation? I'm NOT asking for advice to win her over to me. Just general advice to deal with the sadness. I came to this country fully expecting to be single and not giving any fucks. I wish I could go back to being that guy.

 

[Subpar Scrub]

.

 

[Ghostshark]

I have a date tomorrow with a woman I like and am nervous for illogical reasons.

I'm not sure if this is the first or second date. She invited me over to watch movies on Valentines and I was oblivious to possible romantic intent. When I realized how naive I was, I asked her out. I'm normally a confident person, but I just had a concussion and feel vulnerable (my doctor said it was acceptable to go on the date, but to not push things, like alcohol.) My primary worry is that I might miss "signals," and don't want her to think I'm not interested. My gut feeling is to just admit I have no idea what I'm doing.

Obviously, every person is different, but I am afraid of overstepping or understepping. I'm just going act like I would with any other person, but maybe have an innocent complement like "you look lovely today." We've been texting on a daily basis for over a week, with her initiating most of the conversation. I guess I have no real questions, but felt like getting that off my chest.

 

[Kopite]

For real. I mean, there's a distinct lack of effort on the part of a lot of guys here.

I nearly always send a , "Hey, how's it going?" to anyone I match with on Tinder. That's ok right?

 

[Dawg]

Sent a text to my date from saturday asking why she is so quiet.

Kinda afraid of the answer, or worse, lack of.

Sucks when you have a great date and start to get hope and then things get silent.

Or... maybe I am expecting too much from a first date. I do sound a bit clingy, heh.

 

[Ozorov]

Sent a text to my date from saturday asking why she is so quiet.

Kinda afraid of the answer, or worse, lack of.

Sucks when you have a great date and start to get hope and then things get silent.

Or... maybe I am expecting too much from a first date. I do sound a bit clingy, heh.

No contact since the date or?

 

[always crazy bacon]

Obviously, every person is different, but I am afraid of overstepping or understepping. I'm just going act like I would with any other person, but maybe have an innocent complement like "you look lovely today." We've been texting on a daily basis for over a week, with her initiating most of the conversation. I guess I have no real questions, but felt like getting that off my chest.

You've kind of worked it out already so you're not doing so bad. I'd try just a little more clearly "I like you a lot" "I really like spending time with you" use your own words (say it in person not by text) but make it more personal rather than the generic comment you suggested and don't use it expecting and instant reciprocation from her. Just casual and she'll lead the way from there, but might not happen that day but you've put the idea in her head. Good luck fella!

 

[always crazy bacon]

Sent a text to my date from saturday asking why she is so quiet.

That's confrontational, even though that's what you clearly don't intend. Any open ended question should be fine like "Hey, how are you today?".

Of course you could already be ghosted.

 

[Ozorov]

That's confrontational, even though that's what you clearly don't intend. Any open ended question should be fine like "Hey, how are you today?".

Of course you could already be ghosted.

What does that mean?

 

[Dawg]

No contact since the date or?

Last thing I got was a message on snapchat saying goodnight. I know she was planning to go out with friends yesterday because she told me during the date but the lack of any message at all the entire day was just... weird?

Before the date we had been chatting and snapchatting for a few weeks. Pretty much daily.

It's just weird and I'm getting a bad feeling because of it.

 

[Jokab]

Sent a text to my date from saturday asking why she is so quiet.

Kinda afraid of the answer, or worse, lack of.

Sucks when you have a great date and start to get hope and then things get silent.

Or... maybe I am expecting too much from a first date. I do sound a bit clingy, heh.

As bacon said, this is not the way to go about it as you appear confrontational. Instead, ask a neutral question and if she doesn't respond, you have your answer. If you go confrontrational and she has a legit reason for being quiet, like maybe some family troubles, she could be turned off real fast and you could be ruining a good thing.

 

[SilentRob]

I nearly always send a , "Hey, how's it going?" to anyone I match with on Tinder. That's ok right?

You are probably sarcastic but it's impossible to tell here, so: No. That's the lamest possible first message and I know various women who don't even answer to stuff like this.

 

[Dawg]

That's confrontational, even though that's what you clearly don't intend. Any open ended question should be fine like "Hey, how are you today?".

Of course you could already be ghosted.

As bacon said, this is not the way to go about it as you appear confrontational. Instead, ask a neutral question and if she doesn't respond, you have your answer. If you go confrontrational and she has a legit reason for being quiet, like maybe some family troubles, she could be turned off real fast and you could be ruining a good thing.

Ok, my bad. Also: what the hell is ghosting?

 

[always crazy bacon]

What does that mean?

Do you know what Ghosted means? When a date just stops replying to your messages instead of just saying thanks, but it's not going to work.

 

[Kopite]

You are probably sarcastic but it's impossible to tell here, so: No. That's the lamest possible first message and I know various women who don't even answer to stuff like this.

Lol, I wasn't being sarcastic. What should I send then?

 

[Ozorov]

Do you know what Ghosted means? When a date just stops replying to your messages instead of just saying thanks, but it's not going to work.

Ah I see, thanks

 

[Dawg]

Do you know what Ghosted means? When a date just stops replying to your messages instead of just saying thanks, but it's not going to work.

Anything but that, please.

 

[GuitarGuruu]

You should not have asked her what she thought. It's too soon and too soft.

If anything, you should have told her how you felt, but again... too soon.

Learn and move on .

So no chance of me just over thinking it? Maybe I'm holding out cause I like this girl but from her texts and stuff that she has sent today I never got the sense that she got spooked. After I said it she even told me she understood not wanting to waste time and appreciated the bluntness of it. I do agree it was probably too early to bring it up though.

She wanted to reschedule plans until today due to her mom coming up from her home town that she doesn't get to see that often. And her Dad had died when she was younger so I can understand that want.

 

[gaiages]

I nearly always send a , "Hey, how's it going?" to anyone I match with on Tinder. That's ok right?

That's a message women get 10,000 times. Send a message with some actual effort in it. Stand out from the crowd of 'hi' and 'how's it going' and dick pics

Lol, I wasn't being sarcastic. What should I send then?

Reference something on their profile or something, or ask a silly question.

 

[ZackieChan]

https://youtu.be/-N036yO3a-M

 

[Messofanego]

My friend gave me control of her account and asked if I could weed out the interesting/good dudes from the lame ones.

I feel like a god.

I'd love to see what kind of messages women get sent, just to see first-hand accounts of all the unending garbage.

 

[Dawg]

Still no response, RIP in pepperoni, Dawg.

 

[Ozorov]

Still no response, RIP in pepperoni, Dawg.

Onto next one, dawg!

 

[Dawg]

Onto next one, dawg!

Don't have that many alternatives at the moment. Tinder feels dead around where I live.