It's a "bad" idea for a couple obvious reasons and you should tread lightly, but if you guys both like each other then go for it. That's the way I see it. Don't let someone you might have a good connection with get away just cuz you have the same employer. You might not find another girl like her (you probably will though, which is the main reason for me not to date a colleague... many great girls around).
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Dating Age |OT$6| Just ask her out already
- Thread starter gaiages
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It's a "bad" idea for a couple obvious reasons and you should tread lightly, but if you guys both like each other then go for it. That's the way I see it. Don't let someone you might have a good connection with get away just cuz you have the same employer. You might not find another girl like her (you probably will though, which is the main reason for me not to date a colleague... many great girls around).
No one has ever said "we used too much lube". Use that shit like it expires tomorrow. And put down towels.
You know how you get better at talking to people in real life? By having more conversations with people in real life.
always crazy bacon
Banned
Ask yourself this. Do you actually really like her or is it just convenient that you've avoided all the risk/reward of approaching a woman online or in a bar? Sounds like your single and feeling sorry for yourself right now. If you were not single I guarantee she would not be on your radar at all.
This limbo I'm in is getting unbearable.
I've essentially had blue balls since late November, which was when me and that girl tried (and failed) to have sex before she became sick with mono.*
My desire has honestly never been this high, yet there's nothing I can really do about it.
*
I've essentially had blue balls since late November, which was when me and that girl tried (and failed) to have sex before she became sick with mono.*
My desire has honestly never been this high, yet there's nothing I can really do about it.
*
Always take/use lube guys, always.
congratsonthesex.jpg
efyu_lemonardo
May I have a cookie?
Well I guess that makes me self entitled, as I've always believed in communication unless it becomes a huge burden. This is how my parents raised me.
People are not always aware of themselves when they do something inappropriate. Cutting all communication gives them no opportunity to learn. I don't get why it's so hard to call someone out if you're not happy with the way they acted. If they aren't willing to listen, you can then cut off communication. But at least you tried.
Honestly people who can't write a couple sentences under the pretense that it's not their job to educate/give closure to a complete stranger come off as jerks. In a way it's a kind of self-entitlement in itself: you've already taken time out of your day to start to get to know a person, spoken over the phone, dressed up, met, made an effort to make a good impression. No one is considered entitled for expecting these things when scheduling a date. So after doing all that you draw the line at sending a text? Seems kind of selfish.
This is in line with how I feel.
efyu_lemonardo
May I have a cookie?
LucidMomentum
Member
Reave
Member
The subject of ghosting still seems to be a hot topic, haha. Might as well throw in my two cents.
I've been ghosted a handful of times throughout the last year or so. And yes, if you're not prepared for the possibility, it can be every bit as confusing, disappointing, and frustrating as some of you mentioned -- especially when there doesn't seem to be any obvious reason behind it. However, I guess you could say that I've somewhat warmed up to it after a while. That probably sounds pretty weird, so let me explain what I mean, though.
To me, I don't want to waste a morsel of my time, money, effort or energy on anyone that's wishy-washy or unenthusiastic about getting together to have a great time and get to know one another. So, rather than learn that the hard way by meeting them and having a terrible time, I'd much prefer getting ghosted so that I can see their true colors before I have to make that investment.
The truth is, a surprising number of people join online dating services for all the wrong reasons, and I'm not quite alluding to the hookup factor, either. Here's just a few things I've picked up on from the ghosters over time:
With that said, why should I get bent out of shape about getting ghosted by those types? Moreover, why should I hurl angry texts or even simple "food for thought" texts at them when they inexplicably dip out? I'm just glad I dodged a bullet, so the last thing I'm going to do is dignify their bullshit behavior with thoughts, feelings or actions they don't deserve. I'd rather get on with my day and leave their nonsense for them to figure out on their own.
To that point, the belief that these people don't owe us anything is 100% correct. We're not entitled to receive a reply, a date, or anything in-between, and I'm fine with that because I know (from what I listed out above) that not everyone shares the same positive enthusiasm, willingness or intentions as I do. So, as far as I'm concerned, everything sourced from online dating is tentative until it actually happens, and anything is liable to change without a moment's notice.
Thus, it's all about addition by subtraction. When a woman chooses to abruptly take herself out of the equation, I think it's important to smile and let out a sigh of relief. Their choice to ghost creates time and space to come across the right person that otherwise would've been lost on the ghoster that really wasn't right to begin with.
I've been ghosted a handful of times throughout the last year or so. And yes, if you're not prepared for the possibility, it can be every bit as confusing, disappointing, and frustrating as some of you mentioned -- especially when there doesn't seem to be any obvious reason behind it. However, I guess you could say that I've somewhat warmed up to it after a while. That probably sounds pretty weird, so let me explain what I mean, though.
To me, I don't want to waste a morsel of my time, money, effort or energy on anyone that's wishy-washy or unenthusiastic about getting together to have a great time and get to know one another. So, rather than learn that the hard way by meeting them and having a terrible time, I'd much prefer getting ghosted so that I can see their true colors before I have to make that investment.
The truth is, a surprising number of people join online dating services for all the wrong reasons, and I'm not quite alluding to the hookup factor, either. Here's just a few things I've picked up on from the ghosters over time:
- They're bored, and treat it as little more than a swipe game
- Their friends urged them to sign up, but they don't even know if they're ready to date yet
- They join for pure attention
- They've been treated so poorly in the past that they've become hyper-critical, cynical, or pessimistic. So, they carry a toxic "prove me wrong about men" attitude that you'll never be able to fix, and ghost as soon as the tiniest thing doesn't go their way.
- They fell in love with the notion of endless options, and can't settle for a good thing when they wonder if someone even better than you is one swipe away
- Their criteria has gotten so unrealistic/warped that they would rather weed people out over an app than take a good hard look in the mirror about what they even bring to the table
- They're confused, don't know who they are, and don't know what they want. Thus, it's all just an experiment to help them figure themselves out
With that said, why should I get bent out of shape about getting ghosted by those types? Moreover, why should I hurl angry texts or even simple "food for thought" texts at them when they inexplicably dip out? I'm just glad I dodged a bullet, so the last thing I'm going to do is dignify their bullshit behavior with thoughts, feelings or actions they don't deserve. I'd rather get on with my day and leave their nonsense for them to figure out on their own.
To that point, the belief that these people don't owe us anything is 100% correct. We're not entitled to receive a reply, a date, or anything in-between, and I'm fine with that because I know (from what I listed out above) that not everyone shares the same positive enthusiasm, willingness or intentions as I do. So, as far as I'm concerned, everything sourced from online dating is tentative until it actually happens, and anything is liable to change without a moment's notice.
Thus, it's all about addition by subtraction. When a woman chooses to abruptly take herself out of the equation, I think it's important to smile and let out a sigh of relief. Their choice to ghost creates time and space to come across the right person that otherwise would've been lost on the ghoster that really wasn't right to begin with.
It's been a week since I was dumped resulting in a bit of a breakdown afterwards. I bounced back relatively quickly but not without residual thoughts of her continuing to creep in. However, I can let those thoughts go now and feel more focused and relaxed than I have ever been. I have a second date lined up with the girl I met on V-Day and I don't feel any stress whatsoever - I feel like I'm playing with house money and have nothing to lose.
I've always had a bit of a problem with over investing early on what I feel were very promising relationships so this feeling/attitude is a bit of a revelation to me. I hope this isn't a temporary thing and this is the ongoing mentality I have from now on.
I've always had a bit of a problem with over investing early on what I feel were very promising relationships so this feeling/attitude is a bit of a revelation to me. I hope this isn't a temporary thing and this is the ongoing mentality I have from now on.
TangerineCloud
Banned
About to make my first attempt at sliding into a woman's DMs. Wish me luck.
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
Sup, fam.
Weird night. My friend drove in (the one I bailed on last weekend; turns out we both hooked up with different people), we had drinks, and then we went out dancing. Ended up meeting her Brazilian friends, danced for hours, made out with one of them while she was rolling (apparently that happens?). My pickup line was literally "Tudo bem?" Ended up rebuffing her attempts to take me home and party more because I had to look out for my friend, who had gone to find food, and fuck, I didn't wanna head into fucking Maryland.
She ate an entire cheese pizza. She's 115 pounds. I hate those people.
We piled into a cab and head back to my place. Drink some more. Then, we head to crash, and I opted for the couch so the girls could share the bed, because I realized that I'll never be interested in the party/EDM/drug scene. The excitement was something I was down for 2 years ago, but nah, that time's passed.
May hang out with them again though. Seems like a once every month or two kinda thing.
Anyway, tonight, my ex (the one I hooked up with last weekend) invited me out to meet all of her friends, because apparently they want to meet me. So, that's happening. Oh, and two of her sorority sisters, each of whom dated the same guy (who's also coming) will be there, plus some other dude who texts my ex inappropriately while drunk.
I feel like this could be a shitshow. Can't wait.
Weird night. My friend drove in (the one I bailed on last weekend; turns out we both hooked up with different people), we had drinks, and then we went out dancing. Ended up meeting her Brazilian friends, danced for hours, made out with one of them while she was rolling (apparently that happens?). My pickup line was literally "Tudo bem?" Ended up rebuffing her attempts to take me home and party more because I had to look out for my friend, who had gone to find food, and fuck, I didn't wanna head into fucking Maryland.
She ate an entire cheese pizza. She's 115 pounds. I hate those people.
We piled into a cab and head back to my place. Drink some more. Then, we head to crash, and I opted for the couch so the girls could share the bed, because I realized that I'll never be interested in the party/EDM/drug scene. The excitement was something I was down for 2 years ago, but nah, that time's passed.
May hang out with them again though. Seems like a once every month or two kinda thing.
Anyway, tonight, my ex (the one I hooked up with last weekend) invited me out to meet all of her friends, because apparently they want to meet me. So, that's happening. Oh, and two of her sorority sisters, each of whom dated the same guy (who's also coming) will be there, plus some other dude who texts my ex inappropriately while drunk.
I feel like this could be a shitshow. Can't wait.
Long ass story for a little problem incoming.
So yesterday I went to my old highschool to talk to the non-white kids about their ambitions and that they shouldn't set the bar so low because of influences around them. EDIT: should add I'm a black man.
Also to give info on law school and being an attorney. At this event there was a girl who I was at highschool with, I think she was a year or two younger than me, also there to talk to the kids but in her domain.
I wanted to head over and introduce myself, but the kids kept asking questions and needed more info. In short she left before I could talk to her.
So today as I saw her name at the event I added her on facebook.
Messaged her, explained that I wanted to introduce myself but didn't get the chance.
She replied saying not to worry about it.
Now I'm not sure how to proceed from here. I hate doing these things over text, I work a lot better in person. But we're kinda total strangers so rushing a date might not go so well. And since I met her in person first, it's not like tinder or something where the point is to get a date out of this. So I'm a bit out of my comfort zone here.
Any advice would be appreciated.
So yesterday I went to my old highschool to talk to the non-white kids about their ambitions and that they shouldn't set the bar so low because of influences around them. EDIT: should add I'm a black man.
Also to give info on law school and being an attorney. At this event there was a girl who I was at highschool with, I think she was a year or two younger than me, also there to talk to the kids but in her domain.
I wanted to head over and introduce myself, but the kids kept asking questions and needed more info. In short she left before I could talk to her.
So today as I saw her name at the event I added her on facebook.
Messaged her, explained that I wanted to introduce myself but didn't get the chance.
She replied saying not to worry about it.
Now I'm not sure how to proceed from here. I hate doing these things over text, I work a lot better in person. But we're kinda total strangers so rushing a date might not go so well. And since I met her in person first, it's not like tinder or something where the point is to get a date out of this. So I'm a bit out of my comfort zone here.
Any advice would be appreciated.
TangerineCloud
Banned
What's the downside with just following up with a an invite for coffee or drinks again? Because I fail to see why you wouldn't just ask her out via Facebook message.
Update:
PENETRATING DMs
Break through that AT Field fam
Milly Osworth
Member
Just read the Johnny stuff.. yikes. You seem like a troubled person and you seem to be very awkward socially. And you also seem to think you in a position to study the psyche of others?!? Time to work on your own first bro.
always crazy bacon
Banned
Good post there, but I will say a lot of the list is not exclusive to ghosters as I've experienced that just through dating.
I've had those women that will regularly message you Monday-Friday during office hours and are unavailable at the weekend. So they were just bored at work.
I had a woman go crazy on me after just connecting with me and we were chatting for about an hour before I needed to take a call that lasted 45 minutes and when I got back to her she was mad at being ignored thought I was taking with another woman (I guess). Hyper critical paranoia there.
Point it that it won't get any better from those starting points anyway so, so save me the time and ghost. It really does get you to the person that is right for you quicker.
The next time I meet a girl who doesn't look like her profile pics, I am going to assume a fighting stance like Kiryu.
What so straight up? It's like second message in?
I thought I'd introduce myself, get some info on what she's doing now after highschool etc? Then ask her our for drink or coffee...
Or is just asking her straight up now if she wants to a better option?
In my experience, the sooner you meet in person, the sooner you know if you have a chance. The second you think she'll show up, you touch base. Otherwise you can spend weeks exchanging messages before you realize you hate each other in person. Chemistry is a bitch. It sucks, but it's helped me more than not.
Am I the only one who mostly gets girls who look as good (or even better, sometimes) than their pics? Sure it happens sometimes that they look worse, but it has never been an issue for me.
So I've a question about Tinder (just got it, ye I know I'm like 5 years behind) and didn't find a better thread than this I suppose.
If I set my age range from 24 - 29, do all the girls that pops-up on that swipe page have set their age range to include me?
Or is it just my age range that matters what girls pops up on the swipe page? So I can swipe girls that never will see me etc?
If I set my age range from 24 - 29, do all the girls that pops-up on that swipe page have set their age range to include me?
Or is it just my age range that matters what girls pops up on the swipe page? So I can swipe girls that never will see me etc?
I would take advantage of your novelty now. You already messaged her out of the blue after only briefly seeing each other in person. You got a response. So keep that train going and just ask her out now. Save your inquiries for the date. You can even express it like this: "I was going to pepper you questions about "what you've been up to since high school?" etc but why not do it in person? Interested in catching up over coffee instead?
"You're comfortable at public speaking, so I presume you are at your best in person, so you should do whatever you can to put yourself in that situation sooner rather than later.
To be fair, most the girls I have met lately have looked better or very close to their pics. It's been a long time since there was a drastic difference.
TangerineCloud
Banned
Juggling conversations with like five different women from OKCupid, Tinder, and Twitter right now, and I think I've bitten off more than I can chew. This is actually starting to stress me out.
always crazy bacon
Banned
Cut some off by telling them you have some work to do with a deadline. I've fallen into that trap before, messaging all the women I know through dating because it's a quiet evening and uncharacteristically they all decide to answer.
Women do this too, you know when you get a "Hi", you respond and they don't reply back? They sent that Hi to everyone and someone more appealing to them than you answered.
NotTheGuyYouKill
Member
Was talking to a couple of my friends yesterday about online dating and how it can be tough... well, as tough as it can be for guys, holy shit is it awful for women.
To take a look at the difference, we made a quick account with our female friend and holy shit, immediately blasted with messages and views and you can't even read faster than guys fire messages at you.
And like, so many are lame. Since last night, her profile has received nearly sixty messages and 160 views. Most of them don't even read the profile and just say 'sup' or 'hello gorgeous' or something. Some guys are insecure as fuck when messaging, or their profile is really depressing and woe is me. Out of all the messages, there was maybe one guy that seemed sincere and interesting.
No wonder online dating can be shitty. It's a hell that insecure guys made for themselves.
To take a look at the difference, we made a quick account with our female friend and holy shit, immediately blasted with messages and views and you can't even read faster than guys fire messages at you.
And like, so many are lame. Since last night, her profile has received nearly sixty messages and 160 views. Most of them don't even read the profile and just say 'sup' or 'hello gorgeous' or something. Some guys are insecure as fuck when messaging, or their profile is really depressing and woe is me. Out of all the messages, there was maybe one guy that seemed sincere and interesting.
No wonder online dating can be shitty. It's a hell that insecure guys made for themselves.
NotTheGuyYouKill
Member
For real. I mean, there's a distinct lack of effort on the part of a lot of guys here.
"Hi"
"How's your night"
"Your so gorgeous"
Repeat that about twenty times
And then there's dudes using internet memes and pickup lines
Guys mocking my friend's shortness (she mistyped her height and two guys hit on her while simultaneously making fun of her for being short).
And then there's the guys who are self-deprecating from the outset. You read their profiles, and it's just like reading the resume of someone who keeps saying "I suck". Well, if you keep telling people you suck, who's gonna talk to you?
And then the insecure guys who drop a follow-off passive aggressive message cause you didn't say anything to them when they messaged the first time.
Yeesh. And then there's weirdos that just go "I like you". How can you like her? She has two nice photos and a bunch of snarky crap on her profile.
Messofanego
Banned
Is it just me, or I have noticed talk of mono in the last 10 pages or so? 😂
I hope that typo was intentional lol.
NotTheGuyYouKill
Member
You would've seen it mentioned, but probably only from me.
I'm simply venting my annoyance at being in limbo when it comes to dating...
😢
Reave
Member
I definitely see where you're coming from. The lack of effort or the lack of self-moderating before hitting send can lead to some messages that range from laughable to completely unflattering. So, I'm with you about those types being lame for sure.
However, I do think it's at least worth saying that ice-breakers can still be a little challenging for the genuinely cool people that actually do have their head together.
I think the core issue with good people and their ice-breakers (or the texting that might follow if there's a response) is that there's really no sure-fire way of knowing what's going to appeal to the other person right away, so the solution those types often come up with is to play it safe with a "lowest common denominator" message or two until they get a good feel for their match. Unfortunately, that can often be misinterpreted as lame, boring, generic or insecure way too early when that might not really be that lame or generic at all. So, to a degree, I think it's important to not be too trigger-happy in certain cases.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that there's a fine line that men and women should keep in mind when it comes to online dating communication. I can't expect someone to know exactly what to say to keep me engaged just because I wrote a bio and listed my favorite things, nor do I want anyone to stare at their phone and wrack their brain to come up with a message that might make me intrigued. That doesn't mean I like when women break the ice with "hey" on Bumble. Like you said, that's just a sign of no effort, and I'm not down for that. But at the same time, I'm not going to scoff at someone that asks how I'm doing, how my day is going, or something cordial along those lines. I see it as them being respectful and aware of the fact that they're not familiar with me yet, rather than an example like yours where someone assumes you'll find something funny that's actually unfunny or mildly offensive.
So, that's kind of what I mean by the fine line.
The other thing to consider is that online dating can still be very strange and awkward for those high-potential people, even in spite of how much more mainstream its become. So often times, online dating profiles and messages aren't always indicative of who people really are in-person. That works both for the better and for the worse of course, but its still good to keep in mind that some people can be pleasant surprises in real life. I can't tell you how many times I've matched with women that were the complete opposite (in a good way) of how I perceived them when we first chatted through the apps/sites, which made me glad that I didn't jump the gun too early.
Anywho, I agree with a lot of what you're saying. Just think it's worth looking at the other side of the coin.
Johnny Cage In The Shower
Member
This is a good post, though I cannot agree on some of the later points of not owing someone 100% of your explanation... If you asked that person to get ready, get in their car or public transit etc. and meet you somewhere and then you ghosted them, that is just cunty, you do owe them an explanation of why you were a "no show" and bailed out on them last minute, and they have every right to be frustrated and call you out on it.
When someone wasted your time, money and energy, simply because they were vindictive due to their own terrible past experiences, or they were bored and confused and didn't know what they wanted, it's ok if you react a little more than with a sigh and a smile to that, and also deliver a" food for thought" message.... We're human, we have emotions... I get that dating may not be a business service that one of the two involved parties is selling... But imagine if you bailed out on your dentist, your massage therapist with no text or phone call? They will fine your ass, on top of that probably berate you a little even, for being unprofessional and irresponsible. Time is money... Regardless if you're going out on a date or running a dental clinic... Just don't waste people's time.
The bullet points you make above are very decent and well thought out points on the attitude of 90% of men and women on dating sites... I am ashamed to admit the Italics totally apply to my personality. And the bolded (and Italic) apply to the woman that ghosted me earlier this week... My problem is, I've dropped all my standards, and I am just bored out of my mind and want to simply interact with women online, women in all shapes and sizes, and more importantly women in all messed up personalities... (hence my obsession with psychology) My round trip commute every day is almost three hours, and I have a very good data plan... So that is my excuse to entertain myself with women on Tinder.. Some of the people I get involved with I already know within the 15 minute of conversation that, no way in hell I can date this person for any decent amount of time.. . Their social, political, moral values and even general outlook in life are quite opposing than mine, on top of that red flags popping up left and right..... But what do I do? The idiot that I am, I play along... and at the end when talk of seeing each other for an in person date comes up, I kind of panic! Whoa I didn't really want it to come to this, but I guess I can't be an asshole now and have to at least show up for a date...
Basically 80% of my Tinder encounters as of late have been half hearted, half assed approaches...unlike how you seem to approach it, full on enthusiasm...
Could I have been not late for this date that I got ghosted on? probably yes, if I gave enough shits about her and if I really thought that this date may lead to something more in the future, yes, maybe I would've gotten ready at least half hour earlier to not be 15 minutes late... But my heart wasn't in it... And I knew there was no future, but at least I wanted to see how this person was that I've been chattin with for two weeks, in person... And it doesn't hurt to make a few friends in the city (granted they end up half decent people). I've made a few friends this way in the past.. Heck I have a cute friend is Germany and New Zealand that I still keep in touch with, the were tourist visiting that essentially ended up as failed Tinder dates.
Having said all this, still no excuse to been ghosting, because, as reluctant as I was, I still took the time and money to get out and take her out on a date.
In a nutshell, I guess I've dropped all my standards just to interact and waste time with any women online, until I get involved with the one that meets my standards and is worth for me to not fuck it up... It's a contradicting approach, and it has led to some shitty situations, (mostly dead ends and time wasted) but yeah, that's how I roll... Need to maybe stop doing that...
Evidently, she didn't care either. Kinda sounds like you're saying that it's ok if your heart isn't in it but if her's isn't then it's a huge problem. You keep talking as if you were doing her such a huge favor by taking her out. Now that is pretty "cunty."
[Next 3 paragraphs spent on explaining how he wastes women's time]
Johnny Cage In The Shower
Member
This is so wrong and misleading,
I clearly explain in my post, although I wasn't 100% committed to her and had huge doubts about taking things further, I still made an effort to show up and be at my best ( more or less) on a first date... I was just 15 minutes late....
Sure, you can see it as "You're an arrogant prick, who thought
he was doing her a favour" i see it as me being someone that is a person of his word...
We set up a date, I, although reluctantly... put in the effort to show up at the planned date.
Why do you keep acting like she didn't show up for the date at all? She was there. She got ready. She made an effort to show up ON TIME.
15 minutes late signals to me that you were definitely not putting more than the barest of efforts. That's putting aside all your insane petty nonsense. That girl dodged a massive bullet by not dating you.
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
No big deal. And she simply didn't respond to your texts after this happened. What's the big deal?
(Maybe to some people, I dunno, not caring enough to be on time to give good first impressions is a dealbreaker of a character treat)
Johnny Cage In The Shower
Member
I told her I was going to be 10 minutes late before the given time, she was "okay" with that, it was getting around the 12 minutes mark when I told her I was on my way and 2 minutes away from her door and she chose to call it off... and then said lets plan for another night, then she disappeared.
Anyway, my commentary is on Ghosting and how shitty and irresponsible thing it is to do, I didn't care about being "rejected" by someone who is dishonest and has shitty communication skills.
let's not even mention her physical unattractiveness in the open before some of your heads explode!!
Minus "you were ugly anyway" of course.
Ironically this is what I've been a lot more "worked up" about recently than any of the above bullshit, because unlike the other bullshit, here I actually missed an opportunity to have a chance to date someone that at the minimum, exceeded my social values and maturity.
Not gonna bite buddy, not gonna do it!
"Messofanego
(Today, 03:58 PM)
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