Stay apart for several months. Then later see if you can still be friends. Right after the breakup is a recipe for disaster.
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Dating Age |OT$6| Just ask her out already
- Thread starter gaiages
- Start date
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Stay apart for several months. Then later see if you can still be friends. Right after the breakup is a recipe for disaster.
For me, I take a month off. No contact whatsoever. Then reach out as friends to see if it's what we both want. This is for casual relationships though. Long term relationships, extend the wait time until you have absolutely no feelings.
Do not approach the friendship as a way to rekindle romance or to get access to casual sex. If you have those thoughts, the friendship is doomed.
names2hard4you
Member
Look up a few posts and see the story of how my ex broke up with me 2 days ago and her and her family were inviting me to spend Christmas at their place, out of what I think was pity. Like, you don't care about me and my life situation, making it worse by having a break up, and invite me to your den with a few lols and giggles as if nothing happened the next day? Jesus fucking Christ.
I am cool with one of the girls I broke up with though. But this was MONTHS after the break up and we didn't even approach each other. We just sorta bumped into one another on the street, talked in a civilized matter and put our past relationship to the side, only to become, I wouldn't say best friends, but cool with each other. This is the only person out of several girls I've been with too, so I don't think it works out for everyone.
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
I'm really close to my ex-wife. We talk pretty regularly and exchanged Christmas presents this year. She was the only person besides my mom (Amazon gift card!) that got me anything, actually.
As far as that? I keep in touch with a girl I dated in high school who's married and pregnant now. Plus one girl I went on one date with, but that was it. And that's really about it. Exes are exes for a reason.
names2hard4you
Member
One thing that is interesting and I'm getting out of this whole being broken up with situation, rather than doing the break up myself which has always been the case up until now, is the fact that my head can rationalize and realize that I wasn't really in love or anything like that for the other person, but rather of this idea of who the other person is, and how much they meant to me. My head knows all of this, yet I still feel hurt. I've always been a very rational person, approaching life on a very internally thought out matter, and for the first time I feel like it's out of my control, never thought the day would come that feelings are taking over my rationale. It's like acknowledging that there is a crack on the wall, knowing how it can be fixed by simply covering it, but it keeps cracking open. I guess they say time heals all, right?
Nonetheless this is some good life experience. I've never really been in these shoes. I sorta feel bad for all the girls that wasted their time when I did the exact same to them as this girl did to me.
Nonetheless this is some good life experience. I've never really been in these shoes. I sorta feel bad for all the girls that wasted their time when I did the exact same to them as this girl did to me.
thanks for the replies everyone. The catch is that this person is here for 6 more months.. then she will leave to go abroad again. So the no contact for several months is kinda troublesome. At the moment we're taking a break for a month and will see what's up then.
Just hard to imagine not having any feelings for someone you built a relationship with for 2 years. But it's time to look out for myself as well.
Just hard to imagine not having any feelings for someone you built a relationship with for 2 years. But it's time to look out for myself as well.
Find myself in a predicament. Details of me and this girl:
- I started ‘talking’ to this girl in december 2015, and we hung out a few times in person back then
- we confessed feelings for each other in april / may, when she was out of the country
- we have been exclusive with each other since then
- she came back in town in september and we’ve been dating since then
- she doesn’t yet want to make it official because she’s scared of it not working out (she went through a very difficult breakup last year when her 4 year relationship dissolved)
What’s my play here? I find myself in this situation where I’m exclusive but don’t have a ‘girlfriend’. Is it normal for a girl to be scared to get into another relationship 1.5 years after the old one ended? We've been intimate and I don't think I'm being strung along, however, what's the deal with not making it official? I don't want to pressure her, but I see it as a bad sign that it's taking her this long to want to commit. Thoughts?
- I started ‘talking’ to this girl in december 2015, and we hung out a few times in person back then
- we confessed feelings for each other in april / may, when she was out of the country
- we have been exclusive with each other since then
- she came back in town in september and we’ve been dating since then
- she doesn’t yet want to make it official because she’s scared of it not working out (she went through a very difficult breakup last year when her 4 year relationship dissolved)
What’s my play here? I find myself in this situation where I’m exclusive but don’t have a ‘girlfriend’. Is it normal for a girl to be scared to get into another relationship 1.5 years after the old one ended? We've been intimate and I don't think I'm being strung along, however, what's the deal with not making it official? I don't want to pressure her, but I see it as a bad sign that it's taking her this long to want to commit. Thoughts?
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
You're exclusive, you're dating, and you're intimate. You're in a relationship. The entire "official" designation baffles me, even though that's the situation I'm in now too. Honestly, don't pressure her: it doesn't really matter, and actions speak louder than words. That said, no, it's not normal to be strung up over a failed relationship for this long.
Honestly, just curious to see what everyone says before I come down with a final viewpoint.
Gotdatmoney
Member
My bro had this situation last month. He asked her to be his gf and she said no but they were still exclusive and blah blah blah. I dont know how your thing is workin out but frankly imo if one party is not willing to call it botfriend/girlfriend that is a serious flag.
I have never heard a valid answer to why. As far as I'm concerned if I'm not the girls bf I am not exclusive. I'm not interested in this half in half out shit. I get why others feel the need to nust wait it out but my policy has always been my life goes on and I shouldn't have to wait while someone takes their sweet time to work out w/e goes on.
Life is fluid, a river doesnt stop so you can cross.
Good post. Pretty much what I was going to say about the matter.
ginger ninja
Banned
Alright Gaf. After a long time, I hit it off with this girl yesterday on a dating app. We chatted for hours straight and well into the night. She's pretty awesome. Question is, should I be the first one to text her the next day or wait for her to start up and is it a good enough time to propose meeting up ?
I don't want to fuck this up but I also don't wanna make a deal out of this because every time I do, it results in rather spectacular failures.
I don't want to fuck this up but I also don't wanna make a deal out of this because every time I do, it results in rather spectacular failures.
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
Why didn't you ask her out then?
This isn't anything to worry about. Drop her a line. Say you would love to meet up to continue a conversation about X. (Pro-tip: you won't actually talk about X.) Then suggest a discrete time and place -- it's hard over the holidays, so you can actually be forgiving here.
Guys, I want you to understand this: the girl is rooting for you to succeed. She WANTS you to be awesome. Online dating is a cesspool of sadness. Some people want Tinder food stamps, sure, but not all.
If they like you, it doesn't matter how you do it. Just do it.
The Power Of Snap
Member
ginger ninja
Banned
Because I thought that might be too desperate or too soon ? I rarely do this and I don't have a lot of experience. I am gonna ask if we can probably meet before Christmas but if we can't, should I try to keep talking to her every day ? I mean it does eventually get awkward talking just for the sake of talking right.
Ask her for her number. Get away from using the app as your primary means of communication ASAP.
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
Meet soon. Understand reasonable scheduling difficulties (the girl I'm seeing asked ME out over Thanksgiving, but she was headed home then and I was traveling for business; we met up after she returned). Drop her if they're no longer reasonable. Don't text every day (we ignored each other until we got back, at which point we set a time and place to meet).
You have better things to do than to text a random person. Again: if she can't meet til after Christmas, that's fine. Spend it with friends/family. If you're inclined, intermittently send her something that amused you. Don't ask "how are you?" You don't know her. And you won't get to know her via text.
We overcomplicate this to the point of absurdity, but remember, you're looking for ... a date, a FWB, a hookup, a friend, ... whatever it is, it's not a texting buddy.
This too. "If texting's easier, my number is..." has worked 100% of the time for me.
In a sea of dick pics and assholes, do you think girls want to log into fucking Tinder or OKC to communicate with someone they think is promising?
Gotdatmoney
Member
I don't consider it the definitive answer or anything. That's just how I roll these days. So many other life things, I don't have time to fuck around on that.
There is nothing to fuck up. Sometimes shit just doesn't work out. Until you understand that it will be a battle of keeping your emotions in check. Just ask her on a date and accept if it fizzles out that's just luck of the draw.
Pasta_Soup
Member
This kind of thing is always a red flag, from my experience. Person doesn't want to "label' the relationship so it feels less committed, and it's seemingly easier to bail.
Like others have mentioned, if you aren't on the same page, that's where the bigger problems begin to manifest.
ZackieChan
Member
I'm doing it now. What's the big deal?
Also, you seem to have done it once, and are extrapolating from that. Similarly with your other issues. You need a more robust data set to work from.
It's only going too far if you're like 25 or something. Beyond the formulative years, age is just a number.
obin_gam
Member
I've been messaging and snapping (bloody battery drainer) with one of my student's single mother this past week and it has gotten really risque. She inclines she has fallen in love with me and I'm soon there myself heh.
Which really fucks up my brain because of the parent-teacher-student thing :/ I have great pride in my work so from my side there wont be any conflicts of interest in terms of ethics, like when we have meetings and when grading times comes, but I'm afraid there will be some people (other teachers or other parents) who might think it is inappropriate. I feel it's slightly inappropriate myself. I can't help what I feel though.
She will come to the school this morning, because she's the head of the parents group for my class, and we've said we'll play it cool then. We will meet up later today after school for coffee and talk things through.
On the one hand, I should just walk away because of what other people might think. ON the other - screw other people, it's my life and my feelings.
Which really fucks up my brain because of the parent-teacher-student thing :/ I have great pride in my work so from my side there wont be any conflicts of interest in terms of ethics, like when we have meetings and when grading times comes, but I'm afraid there will be some people (other teachers or other parents) who might think it is inappropriate. I feel it's slightly inappropriate myself. I can't help what I feel though.
She will come to the school this morning, because she's the head of the parents group for my class, and we've said we'll play it cool then. We will meet up later today after school for coffee and talk things through.
On the one hand, I should just walk away because of what other people might think. ON the other - screw other people, it's my life and my feelings.
It's also your job.
1) You may try to be objective when it comes to grading, but as humans we often have unconscious biases.
2) The appearance of a conflict of interest may be as important as the presence of one
3) You may strive to be an ethical teacher, but will your boss agree to that if s/he finds out you are getting personal with one of your students' parent? Will other parents? This isn't just about them being offended about what they think would be an inappropriate relationship, it would be about them questioning your ability to do your job.
Etrian Oddity
Member
Lost my virginity to a gorgeous girl last night, everyone's right that the universe doesn't change afterwards.
But still, very fun and relieving to have the monkey off my back.
congratsonsex.jpg
names2hard4you
Member
The problem is going to be if the kid finds out. It's easy enough not to tell anyone about this and her as well, but the kid?
Also you can try and keep things on the low until the kid moves out of your class. I do agree though, this seems like a bit of a touchy thing that could potentially bite you in the ass. This is the kind of thing where, if you yourself are asking and having doubts, you may want to think a little bit about and potentially even discuss without the boss/school director if it becomes serious. This is if you are only worried as a formality type of thing, if there is a rule against it, there's nothing really you can do.
Also you can try and keep things on the low until the kid moves out of your class. I do agree though, this seems like a bit of a touchy thing that could potentially bite you in the ass. This is the kind of thing where, if you yourself are asking and having doubts, you may want to think a little bit about and potentially even discuss without the boss/school director if it becomes serious. This is if you are only worried as a formality type of thing, if there is a rule against it, there's nothing really you can do.
obin_gam
Member
I havent found any rules yet, will continue searching for them until I find something.
The kid will graduate this summer so in the best of worlds we'll just keep it hidden until then, but I think the best option is to not start anything in the first place. This is really grating, I know of other teacher/parent relationships around other schools I have been working on, but not the details of them.
I was in my late 30s, she was barely in her twenties. She was full of the selfishness of youth and her friends were so immature it was ridiculous.
Glad it is working out for you. For me it didn't.
Miles Quaritch
Member
But late on this, but why do someone people feel the need to be friends with someone they just broke up with?
Make a clean break, you don't need their friendship and suggesting you do is basically saying I can't live without you in my life. I need your presence in any way I can get it and if that means standing around being a 'friend' while you bone someone else, I'll do that.
Just move the fuck on. You can make friends with people you haven't been romantically entangled with. Jesus, the desperation that comes off the posts where people ask about that is depressing as fuck.
Make a clean break, you don't need their friendship and suggesting you do is basically saying I can't live without you in my life. I need your presence in any way I can get it and if that means standing around being a 'friend' while you bone someone else, I'll do that.
Just move the fuck on. You can make friends with people you haven't been romantically entangled with. Jesus, the desperation that comes off the posts where people ask about that is depressing as fuck.
Not sure if I've missed your other posts but you've both fallen in love with each other after a week of texts....
Isn't that, you know, crazy?
Congrats.
Personally the relief of getting it done with was big enough that it helped massively with my confidence.
A decent continuation of the progress I made last year.
I started the year with a girl I met on NYE, although it fizzled out after a couple of months. Whilst we shared a few things in common, there simply wasn't a massive connection between us.
Around July I went out with a girl for a couple of months who I lost my virginity to, but deep down I wasn't particularly attracted to her and she ended it in September. I was beating myself up over not really feeling anything towards her, but I guess she either felt the same way or could tell I was troubled nearer the end.
The girl I'm seeing at the moment I've been out with for about a month now, and it's been pretty decent so far. I think we both fell for each other pretty quickly and the vibes had been great until she was told she had mono last Monday (not long before our date). From the get go she was understandably a bit off and I probably didn't behave in the best way possible since I was a bit taken back by it. She went quiet not long after that, although she apologised about not being in touch and we met up on Saturday for a date. It felt more reminiscent to how things usually are, but she was sending me a few mixed signals and I saw she was still on Tinder (or Bumble) when she double clicked the home button on her phone whilst showing me something. We later went back to her place to watch some TV but nothing happened outside of cuddling since she's still not well enough. I got a text not long after the date thanking me for the gift & card I made her and she said she'd be in touch (she went back to the US for Christmas), which she has been.
It’s frankly a bit of a headache, but I'm willing to see where things go from here whilst remaining cautious.
Aside from that I went on numerous dates throughout the year, but nothing materialised with any of them.
In any case I'm a lot more confident than I was last year, so we'll see what happens going into 2017.
obin_gam
Member
Yup, she has admitted to not being perfectly like "the mainstream". She also saod she's been flirting with me since this summer but that I never noticed.
Gotdatmoney
Member
Nothing but good things can come from this. I assure you.
Well it is true that most people don't fall in love with each other over a week of texting.
In that most people aren't insane.
So I guess that is "the mainstream"
And just as an aside flirting without reciprocation doesn't count to the "falling in love" timeframe.
Geez obin's situation is sounding more and more like a disaster waiting to happen with each post
names2hard4you
Member
How long after a breakup do you folks "get back in the game" clean? I'm much better at the dating game now than I was back when I cut previous relationships. I can get dates pretty frequently now, compared to before when I had low self esteem and was very shy. I'd break up, and by the time I found someone else, it had been several months and I wouldn't think too much of it.
However now I find myself already back on Tinder and getting matches and all, but when I go to the moment of sending a message, I immediately stop myself thinking this is just me finding a rebound of sorts. It has only been 3 days since breaking up so I guess some sort of attachment to the previous relationship is still lingering.
Not sure whether going on to the next one right away would help me move past this or if this feeling of me just trying to replace someone will still be there.
However now I find myself already back on Tinder and getting matches and all, but when I go to the moment of sending a message, I immediately stop myself thinking this is just me finding a rebound of sorts. It has only been 3 days since breaking up so I guess some sort of attachment to the previous relationship is still lingering.
Not sure whether going on to the next one right away would help me move past this or if this feeling of me just trying to replace someone will still be there.
names2hard4you
Member
Although it wasn't that long (2 months) it was probably the one relationship in recent times where I thought things were going in the right direction, until one day out of nowhere they weren't.
I do agree that maybe I should give it some more time. I'm not really in the mood either. Maybe once I begin my new co-op job in January. My employer organizes networking events between students and its firms. I can then meet new people, socialize and with that start up with a fresh state of mind.
Mobile Suit Gooch
Grundle: The Awakening
I did it, bruh!
I got her name (she asked for mine too) and chatted a little bit.
Well, okay not much cause she had to go in, but still. We're the same age and she asked me when's my birthday. She did that astrology shit with the signs but whatever, no dealbreaker.
Was a nice exchange not sure if she would go for me but still...she seems pretty down to earth...Kinda up my alley.
I got her name (she asked for mine too) and chatted a little bit.
Well, okay not much cause she had to go in, but still. We're the same age and she asked me when's my birthday. She did that astrology shit with the signs but whatever, no dealbreaker.
Was a nice exchange not sure if she would go for me but still...she seems pretty down to earth...Kinda up my alley.
I sent this to gaiages.
ZackieChan
Member
Astrology can work in your favor if the stars align, despite it being nonsense. Get it bro
Mr Solo Dolo
Member
Lined up a date for after Christmas, problem is all I get from her is one or few word replies. Not sure I can carry the conversation for another week. What do Gaf?
Chill.
I'm in the same boat (yes people, I am trying not to obsess) as I am going back to the UK for Christmas. If I don't send anything for a day or two everything will be fine. Just chill.
Mr Solo Dolo
Member
Oh, I'm not obsessing over her, far from it. I'm happy to leave the conversation for days.She''ll then message me, but the conversation always ends up one sided.
I know she's just coming out of a relationship (so am I) and she might not want to open up too much, but still, I need a little back and forth.
I know she's just coming out of a relationship (so am I) and she might not want to open up too much, but still, I need a little back and forth.
Miles Quaritch
Member
Don't message her until after Christmas. If it fizzles out, it wasn't meant to be. If you're writing long ass messages to her one/two word replies, you need to stop that shit immediately and just go a few days without messaging her.
You don't have other shit you could be doing?
It's just texts and messaging at the moment, don't fuss over it. Some people are just bad at texting. It may end up being one sided in person as well but who knows. I'd check in with a "Merry Christmas" on the 24th or whatever but leave her to own thing until closer to the date.
TheSchwab_7
Member
Nevah.
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