NotTheGuyYouKill
Member
I been in this exact situation.
You just kiss her, man. She leans in and looks into your eyes? Just kiss her.
Best decision you could make.
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Dating Age |OT$6| Just ask her out already
- Thread starter gaiages
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I been in this exact situation.
You just kiss her, man. She leans in and looks into your eyes? Just kiss her.
Best decision you could make.
Silent_Ocarina
Member
Soooo, over two months ago my girlfriend broke up with me while she was in school a couple states away. I made a thread before and everyone agreed that I was pretty shitty. I hadn't spoken to her until about a month ago. I broke the no contact rule, but it has been ok. She recently came back to town for the holidays. We had a birthday dinner with a mutual friend and we both went. I felt pretty bummed but she was completely normal. When we left, she hugged every one of our mutual friends goodbye (they also hadn't seen her since summer) except for me. I felt pretty slighted.
I knew she would be leaving soon so I took this opportunity to ask her out to dinner. She said many times she still loved me and just had no time for a relationship, so I guess I had it in my head that we could rekindle something while she was here. Dinner was great. We talked just like old times and I was really happy. I didn't bring up anything about our relationship but I believed she felt the same way about me as I did about her. After dinner a mutual friend invited both of us to her place for some drinks and games. That's when the night turned bad for me. I constantly craved her attention but wasn't getting any and I felt terrible every time she gave someone else her attention. She hugged everyone else again but me. I tried to say bye to her since I was leaving early, but a friend had pulled her aside to have a private conversation with her. They both saw me there but they ignored me and continued their hush hush conversation. It felt like he was doing it on purpose so she had an excuse not to talk to me. Anyway my emotions were getting really erratic so I just left without saying goodbye. She texted later thanking me for dinner and we had a short conversation before I decided to stop replying. I think it's pretty clear that she doesn't share any special feelings toward me and I tried my best to show her my best side but I can say I'm done trying now.
She still talks in our group chat and my friends all talk to her. She's leaving tomorrow but I didn't tell her anything. I mostly made this post in response to the poster about being friends with exes. As much as I want to be her friend, I know it's just to stay close to her and hopefully stay in her thoughts. I have no interest in doing that, so I'm going to try to focus on myself. I guess it's possible to be friends in the future, but I feel like by the time we're ready to be friends with our ex, we won't care enough to initiate contact.
I knew she would be leaving soon so I took this opportunity to ask her out to dinner. She said many times she still loved me and just had no time for a relationship, so I guess I had it in my head that we could rekindle something while she was here. Dinner was great. We talked just like old times and I was really happy. I didn't bring up anything about our relationship but I believed she felt the same way about me as I did about her. After dinner a mutual friend invited both of us to her place for some drinks and games. That's when the night turned bad for me. I constantly craved her attention but wasn't getting any and I felt terrible every time she gave someone else her attention. She hugged everyone else again but me. I tried to say bye to her since I was leaving early, but a friend had pulled her aside to have a private conversation with her. They both saw me there but they ignored me and continued their hush hush conversation. It felt like he was doing it on purpose so she had an excuse not to talk to me. Anyway my emotions were getting really erratic so I just left without saying goodbye. She texted later thanking me for dinner and we had a short conversation before I decided to stop replying. I think it's pretty clear that she doesn't share any special feelings toward me and I tried my best to show her my best side but I can say I'm done trying now.
She still talks in our group chat and my friends all talk to her. She's leaving tomorrow but I didn't tell her anything. I mostly made this post in response to the poster about being friends with exes. As much as I want to be her friend, I know it's just to stay close to her and hopefully stay in her thoughts. I have no interest in doing that, so I'm going to try to focus on myself. I guess it's possible to be friends in the future, but I feel like by the time we're ready to be friends with our ex, we won't care enough to initiate contact.
Messofanego
Banned
It seems pretty clear you've got to move on in your mind from her, and get back into the game. Best of wishes!
ZackieChan
Member
That story is exactly why it is so difficult to be friends after a breakup.
Silent_Ocarina
Member
Haha yeah, it's difficult to listen to logic when your heart is so invested. I'm still super young and so I'm positive things will end up okay for me. The pain is just a bit raw at the moment. I'm so used to being around her and acting a certain way around her that it's really hard learning that I can't do any of those things with her anymore. Obviously there are others out there, but it's just hard to see them at the moment. Thanks for hearing my story though! I was pretty miserable when I first made that thread and I'm pretty sure there is more pain to come in the future with her (mutual friends, so I'm pretty sure I'll find out when she starts seeing someone new when she moves back), but I know with absolute certainty that I'll be fine eventually.
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
Seriously, this is a mature and self-aware response, as well as a pretty great analysis of your own situation.
For what it's worth, I agree that you'll be fine eventually.
Miles Quaritch
Member
Update:
1) have a girlfriend
2) been dating about 2.5 months
3) made it official last week
4) spending christmas evening together
5) hoping for the best
Evening huh? Looking to get some Christmas delight!? Great news though, hope it continues to go well.
Miles Quaritch
Member
Still don't understand why anyone would want to remain friends with someone they just broke up with.
Seems kinda desperate and sad. Just make a clean break, it'll be better for your mental state and in helping to move on faster and find someone else.
That they JUST broke up with? I'd have to agree that's it's desperation. Trying to stay in the exes life so they might be reconsidered. After some time I think it works as long as you both can view it platonically.
Haha yes and thank you!
She's Japanese and I think I actually asked for advice on dating someone of different background earlier in this thread. Her English is good (not perfect), but things are pretty good as of now. It's still a little challenging here and there so it's not as consistent as I'd like it to be. I think it may get there shortly though.
We've been delighting for awhile so we're comfortable with each other at the very least. Thanks again for the vote of confidence. Definitely giving it some effort
names2hard4you
Member
If anything I think the holidays are the greatest excuse there is to start talking to someone you know over text, phone, etc. You can easily wish a Merry Christmas to someone, and see how they respond, whether you can engage in more or less talk, etc
We've been knowing each other for a long time like friends, but I had feelings to her, and still do. We were talking normally about everything, we actually have similar hobbies and she like games too. We walked together this summer, everything was great, we talked, ate some chocolate, at the end we hugged, I was in seventh heaven of happiness. Don't know what happened, but she started ignoring me, didn't answer my messages, etc. and even if she did, I felt that she doesn't want to talk. She eventually said that she is busy with work and upcoming university, and she doesn't have time for all that. Few months later she messaged me if I want to go to movie, I said yes and was really happy she wrote me. Everything was great again, we went to movie, after that we walked little bit, I got coffee. And now she is ignoring me again, I don't know what to do now, I feel really bumped. Why invite me to go somewhere if you're going to ignore me again? I tried to move on, but I can't stop thinking about her.
Gray Matter
Member
You know, I have learned (the hard way) that if someone isn't initiating contact or doesn't even attempt to, it's time to let go. It will be hard, but if someone doesn't have the decency to take your time seriously, you shouldn't take their time seriously either.
Just today actually I decided to do just that. Met up with a girl 2 weekends ago, she hasn't texted me in the following 2 weeks and neither have I, except for today, sent her a merry Christmas text, had a brief conversation and nothing. I'm done, time to move on, I feel like I'm the one doing all the work and it shouldn't be that way.
I feel the same way, but I can't just let her go, I just can't. Why did she invite me?
Probably because she still considers you a friend?
You don't seem okay with just friends though, so you probably shouldn't see her anymore.
Gray Matter
Member
I can't get this girl out of my head either, but I did it for 2 weeks just fine, and if today wasn't Christmas I wouldn't have texted her, I just used that as an excuse to send her a message. She hasn't given me a reason for me to think that she doesn't like me, but the simple fact that she never initiates contact tells me otherwise.
I know it's hard, believe me, but you will get through this, but you have to put in the effort.
Yeah, I can't see her as a friend. We have mutual friends so we'll see each other often anyway, and this is the problem, because sometimes she's acting like I'm not here.
Thanks, man, it's good that you can go on. I wish I could do same, but I love her and can't just let go.
Gray Matter
Member
That would have been my response a year or two ago. I don't know how well you know this girl, but you need to detach yourself.
I see a lot of me in your responses to be honest, it's a daily battle within yourself, I'm going somewhat going through it right now. But my best advice would be to just detach yourself.
I just have a little hope that there can be something between us, but at the same time I can see she doesn't have interest to me. God I hate myself so much.
ZackieChan
Member
No need to "cover yourself." Why are you so neurotic over sending a simple text to someone?
It's not your fault. But you need to let this go. That little hope has to go away. You need to fill your life with other great things and other great women. She doesn't want you, and that's okay.
Mobile Suit Gooch
Grundle: The Awakening
Off topic. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays!
I can honestly see myself going through the same thing in a month. I'm the one who asked about friendship with exes, was trying to rationalize things for myself. Like maybe i said yes to being friends in hopes of me being able to rekindle the spark after a break, but I'm convincing myself that it will be useless and that i should focus on myself. It's only been a week and a half, but i think I'm doing ok.
Secretly knowing that a person probably won't initiate contact with you by themselves should already be a red flag that it's not worth putting anymore effort into.
Silent_Ocarina
Member
I think these feelings are normal and not worth beating yourself up over. It's important that we do some introspection and figure out why we do the things we are doing. For me, I know without a doubt that I am only interested in a friendship in hopes that she will eventually return to me. I think this is a fairly expected response to the situation, but dangerous nonetheless. You will always expect more than she is willing to give, and that path just leads to a lot of pain and eventually jealousy over someone who isn't even yours. I try to convince myself not to have any hopes, but it isn't easy to convince the heart. In some cases, she will be the one to contact you, and as happy as you'll initially be, you will be disappointed when that contact does not blossom into the romance you had hoped for.
Like I said, I definitely think friendship with exes is possible, but only if you learn to keep expectations in check. And really the best way to do that is to simply get over them. And really, by the time you're over them, you'll find that any desire to reach out and initiate friendship is conveniently missing. I think there is worth in being friends with someone you shared a lot with, but it takes time as with all things. You just need to give it time. Give yourself time to feel the weight of your emotions and focus on other things that make you feel good. The more you sit around missing her and her presence, the worse you feel, so keep moving. Dedicate yourself to a personal project or your body or your current relationships with family and friends. It's gonna take a lot of time and a lot of pain as well, but the sheer number of potential people in the world is so great that I can't even convince myself she was the only one for me even though I am having an extremely hard time imagining life without her.
Yeah, I know, but it's really hard to stop thinking about a person you love more than anyone, but I think you're all right, it will be better for me if I let her go. Sometimes it's getting really bad and I can't focus on important things because of thoughts about her. I'm one mad and stupid thing...
Messofanego
Banned
It takes time to get off this love drug, but just take stock. This stuff has to be mutual, a two way street, or you're just being played like a fiddle. Have some self respect. If she's not as into to you, she doesn't deserve you. Once you pull back and show you can live and think for yourself instead of being dependent on her, that will do wonders for your confidence. That could even make her want you even more, but sometimes that can be a trap so until it's mutual, you should be prepared to move on entirely.
Thanks for the support. I will let her go. This is the promise for myself.
Gotdatmoney
Member
This girl was never even your significant other. How are you so far down the love hole? If she was never your gf I dont grasp how you let yourself become this involved. What exactly have you shared with the person to justify that level of investment? Have you slept with her?
ZackieChan
Member
I had similar thoughts but didn't want to go there. At least the last person this happened to me with was someone that I not only slept with, but moved in with for a few months. That took a while to get over, and I still think about her a lot, but I have the strength to leave her blocked. It's just not good for either of us (last time I talked to her she said it made her depressed to think of the good times we had, etc.).
I did not sleep with her. It's hard to explain, but I can't look at any other girls, they don't interest me in any way. And she is something different, it's like everything perfect about her. It's not actually physical love or something, I don't want her much in that way, but just want to be with her, watch movies, walk together, and all that.
When it comes to being friends with ex's, I ask myself two questions - Am I okay with listening to her complain about the men she's fucking, and will the relationship hinder me from seeking other girlfriends in any way. If either answer is a problem, I don't even try.
If she's the one who breaks up with me, without their being obvious cause, it defaults to "forget her".
No, it's easy to explain. You've built up this story in your head, and your brain won't let her go until the story is finished. The only right move is to close the book and return it to the library.
This girl isn't "different", she isn't perfect. No girls are. No other girls interest you because all your focus is elsewhere. If this girl was soooo right, she'd be willing to date you. If you're curious why she's ignoring you, it's probably because you're giving out boyfriend vibes and she's not looking for them from you.
If she's the one who breaks up with me, without their being obvious cause, it defaults to "forget her".
No, it's easy to explain. You've built up this story in your head, and your brain won't let her go until the story is finished. The only right move is to close the book and return it to the library.
This girl isn't "different", she isn't perfect. No girls are. No other girls interest you because all your focus is elsewhere. If this girl was soooo right, she'd be willing to date you. If you're curious why she's ignoring you, it's probably because you're giving out boyfriend vibes and she's not looking for them from you.
Maybe I should talk to her about all that? I'm not sure how, though, since she's not a fan of online chatting.
dreamcastmaster
Banned
No, let it go an move on. You're projecting WAY WAY too much on this girl. I've been there when I was young and you're not going to be able to get your fairy-tale romance with her.
ZackieChan
Member
You and Izuna should be going out, I think
I know, I've been trying for seven months, but she always in my thoughts, just can't. And if I let her go, that means I'll lose her. I can't love any other girl. Not anymore.
ZackieChan
Member
*sigh*
Of course you can. You're being a drama queen. You're in the very definition of a one-way relationship. If any of this obsession is leaking out in your interactions with her (and I guarantee it is), no wonder she's avoiding you. It's creepy af to be this obsessed with someone who you haven't even been in a relationship with.
Have you had other (any, that is) girlfriends?
Milly Osworth
Member
Let her go? Yikes. This woman will hopefully never find out how much you're creeping on her or she will run very fast.
I find this to be kind of tacky now a days, but I'm guilty of doing this.
Usually I find the conversations strange and forced.
No, I didn't have any girlfriend or relationships.
Yeah, you're right, my obsession is leaking out sometimes, but at the moment I don't see it, only after I realize how lame that looked.
Sorry guys for all this snotty drama, I just wanted to share with someone, thanks everyone for support. You opened my eyes. I need to get my shit together and keep going forward.
artsi
Member
Ah, you're like 14 year old me with my first crush.
Read your story and like others said, it's time to move on now. Nothing you can do.
Yep, I went for a date with her several times, but nothing serious.
peanutbutterlatte
Member
So think me and this girl are going to give (relatively) long distance a shot. She met my parents on Christmas Eve, we all spent the day together drinking and they got on really well. It was then, with a little festive alcohol, we discussed what would happen when she went back to Uni in January. We both agreed to give it a shot!
Obviously a hundred and ten things could go wrong, but it's worth giving a go I reckon. God knows in two years of dating I've not found someone as nice as her, and on the upside it might actually be quite nice to see each other every two weeks or so, build up that anticipation then when we see each other the impetus will always be to do something special.
I've got some stuff to work on in as far as my self-confidence and trust issues (left over from my last horrible relationship), but I'm feeling good about it all. I have a busy job so don't really have time to miss her in my day-to-day, and I get pretty regular holiday weeks too so I can always go and spend at least some of them with her. Fingers crossed.
Obviously a hundred and ten things could go wrong, but it's worth giving a go I reckon. God knows in two years of dating I've not found someone as nice as her, and on the upside it might actually be quite nice to see each other every two weeks or so, build up that anticipation then when we see each other the impetus will always be to do something special.
I've got some stuff to work on in as far as my self-confidence and trust issues (left over from my last horrible relationship), but I'm feeling good about it all. I have a busy job so don't really have time to miss her in my day-to-day, and I get pretty regular holiday weeks too so I can always go and spend at least some of them with her. Fingers crossed.
peanutbutterlatte
Member
100 miles or so. Easily reachable by train or car, if a little heavy on petrol/trainfare.
This happened with a good friend of mine.
He was convinced she was in interested in him even though she was actually interested in me.
What's sad is to this day he's still convinced she liked him...
Miles Quaritch
Member
Listen, she doesn't like you nor will she ever like you the way you like her. You need to create some distance, if that means not hanging with mutual friends for a while, so be it because what;s the alternative? You continue to act like an besotted idiot?
There are millions of other women, she's not even that special in the grand scheme of things. Stop with this pathetic bullshit. You can love other women, she's not the only women for you nor will she make your life better or more fulfilled.
Christ, read back your posts. Pathetic doesn't come close to describing what you're currently doing and how you're behaving. Have some fucking self respect.
Valkerionseven
Member
-face+wall full force-
Can't escape this girl guys. Realized there was no spark when we went out, decided to stop perusing it now that I had her attention and move on. After a few in between encounters I finally cold turkey quit her, saw her on the bus to work at least two times since then and successfully avoided/ignored her... Then Christmas happens -eyeroll- stupid romantic holiday here.
Out of nowhere she messages me at like 6pm asking to stay at my place since its near her work, and she wants to go out drinking with her girlfriends since they are all single on this super coupley day in Japan, but has to go to work at 7am. I did not message her back on purpose until like midnight assuming even if she is out with them they will offer a place to stay by then. I send her a sure if you still need it, while I was out myself. At like 3am she calls to let her in and for whatever reason I agree to it -facepalm-
Go all the way home from my friends bar (its like a 3 minute walk haha) let her in once she gets here... super cute in a tight sweater but I held out from the initial "dammit your too cute atm" I lay out a spot for her on the floor to crash the night and head to bed myself since I'm fairly sleepy and drunk too. She says its too cold on the floor and gets into bed with me Eh no big deal I think, and after talking a bit about how everyone is all hooked up this week and joking about all the sex going on today in this country we end up making out then having sex ourselves.
Fast forward to morning hearing her getting ready for work I'm just laying in bed internally kicking myself while pretending to be asleep knowing I could not resist this chick, AGAIN.
Should have fucking known this would happen when earlier in the week she said "Nooo you should stay in town for your vacation, everyone else left" after telling her I was probably going to do a few days somewhere to party and shop.-sigh- Like I don't want to be mean to her but I also don't want to see her anymore cause she makes my brain shut off when I know I want to and need to find someone else.
Praying shes not at the new years party, cause I just don't want to deal with her... when I'm sober I guess.
Can't escape this girl guys. Realized there was no spark when we went out, decided to stop perusing it now that I had her attention and move on. After a few in between encounters I finally cold turkey quit her, saw her on the bus to work at least two times since then and successfully avoided/ignored her... Then Christmas happens -eyeroll- stupid romantic holiday here.
Out of nowhere she messages me at like 6pm asking to stay at my place since its near her work, and she wants to go out drinking with her girlfriends since they are all single on this super coupley day in Japan, but has to go to work at 7am. I did not message her back on purpose until like midnight assuming even if she is out with them they will offer a place to stay by then. I send her a sure if you still need it, while I was out myself. At like 3am she calls to let her in and for whatever reason I agree to it -facepalm-
Go all the way home from my friends bar (its like a 3 minute walk haha) let her in once she gets here... super cute in a tight sweater but I held out from the initial "dammit your too cute atm" I lay out a spot for her on the floor to crash the night and head to bed myself since I'm fairly sleepy and drunk too. She says its too cold on the floor and gets into bed with me Eh no big deal I think, and after talking a bit about how everyone is all hooked up this week and joking about all the sex going on today in this country we end up making out then having sex ourselves.
Fast forward to morning hearing her getting ready for work I'm just laying in bed internally kicking myself while pretending to be asleep knowing I could not resist this chick, AGAIN.
Should have fucking known this would happen when earlier in the week she said "Nooo you should stay in town for your vacation, everyone else left" after telling her I was probably going to do a few days somewhere to party and shop.-sigh- Like I don't want to be mean to her but I also don't want to see her anymore cause she makes my brain shut off when I know I want to and need to find someone else.
Praying shes not at the new years party, cause I just don't want to deal with her... when I'm sober I guess.
Gotdatmoney
Member
Man you get all the respect for knowing when shit is just bad news and not flipping back on it. Also, when you sleep with someone and live with them for some months it's reasonable that feelings are is gonna get more complicated.
That isnt really like obsessing over some girl that clearly does not like you.
Hey man, this girl doesnt really give a shit about you as far as romance is concerned. If what you want is to obsess about her as though she has some special trait that no other human being has you can do that. It's dumb as fuck and entirely weird but you can do it. However what you can't do however is this creepy projection about you and her being together. This complaining that you cant get over someone who has never shown you any interest in the entire period you've known each other is ridiculous. If you wanna live in this igloo built with special snowflakes you can but you cant seriously vent here and expect us to listen to this babble like it isnt dumb.
If you want to get over this girl then you block her number and avoid interaction with her. From now til forever. There are so many cool people in this world. Why are you so down for the one who doesnt give a shit about you? Go find one that actually wants you for you.
Oh and this gem is really beyond words. You better figure out how to love other girls or you're gonna be lonely as fuck. True spit. When I read shit like this I get the picture that the person thinks that they are being really deep and their emotions are complicated. Son there is nothing complex, deep or loyal about this behavior. It's described perfectly in one word. Sad
Get a grip man. This is one girl in your life who yee aint even done shit with. Now you're trying to tell us you're trapped in a glass case with your emotions. A) no you're not and B.) If you are not willing to donthe simple step of doing cold turkey what help are you even seeking?
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