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[HighAmperage]

Damn Zatara, that's awful man. Best of luck to you.

Seems a lot of women these days don't seem to know where the line is with the "cool guy friends" that they are so into collecting.

 

[Spacebar]

I usually don't post here, but I'm trying to get my feet wet in the dating thing. I've got a surprising amount of messages from girls on OkCupid in the new city I live in. Of them, only one I was interested in and messaged back.

We messaged each other back and forth, then we messaged each other on Skype and set up a date. I messaged her a few times after "Hey" and got no response. I messaged her the day before we were supposed to go out just to confirm (considering she hadn't messaged me at all the past 4 days) and got no answer. I went to where we were supposed to meet up anyway - shocker she didn't show up. Done with her.

There's this other girl that I messaged shortly before that other girl messaged me. I got her on Skype and she sounded interested in meeting me. The problem is she's seemingly very busy with school. Everytime I message her (once every 2-3 days) she'll be able to make small chat intermittently but she's doing school work. I'm not an ass and don't want to give her an ultimatum but how can I encourage her to try and move things along to actually meet up?

Tell her you would like to meet up for some coffee or otherwise you're going to move on. You're not going to sound like an ass. You sign up for a dating site to date people, not talk on skype and shit every so often.

 

[CherryWoodFuton]

Damn zatara I can't imagine the pain you must feel but think of it as an opportunity to come out of this shitstorm a better individual. Don't become cynical and stay positive with people.

 

[zatara]

Damn zatara I can't imagine the pain you must feel but think of it as an opportunity to come out of this shitstorm a better individual. Don't become cynical and stay positive with people.

Honestly I thought I would be bawling my brains out all day because of this. I'm not, actually I'm pretty freaking bored until 7pm all my video games are in a box so all I have is my laptop.

 

[Ninja_Hawk]

I think my issue is that hooking up with the 21-yr old could put a relationship with the 19-yr old in jeopardy. They both know each other and its a smaller school that word gets around in. I guess it comes down to how much priority I put on hook-ups with different girls vs. a relationship. Both of which its been awhile since I've had positive experiences with.

Well, go with the one that will provide the greatest benefits, which would be the relationship. You'll be over the hook-up quickly...since it's just that, you can find that in alot of different places, but it'll be less likely that you have someone you connect with really well.

 

[zatara]

The more she texts this dude the less and less I care. 55 times today in the past 4 hours

 

[CherryWoodFuton]

Honestly I thought I would be bawling my brains out all day because of this. I'm not, actually I'm pretty freaking bored until 7pm all my video games are in a box so all I have is my laptop.

Your feelings are just numb right now and may be in a little bit of denial. That's how I felt when my ex broke up with me for a couple of weeks. The bawling your brains out will come sometime unfortunately but that's fine. It's part of the healing process.

 

[Bucket-o-roadkill]

The more she texts this dude the less and less I care. 55 times today in the past 4 hours

Thats more than a text every 5 minutes? Wtf

Also, now that its established shes a married woman, what the hell is this other guy doing constantly texting someones wife then? He's a home wrecking ass hole and she seems like an enabler. What a horrible pair.

 

[CherryWoodFuton]

Thats more than a text every 5 minutes? Wtf

Also, now that its established shes a married woman, what the hell is this other guy doing constantly texting someones wife then? He's a home wrecking ass hole and she seems like an enabler. What a horrible pair.

Some people just don't give a shit. Such is life.

 

[Calion]

i got the standard, "you are not my father, i dont have to tell you what i talk about"


also the 250 times a day is an average, on weekends were talking 600 times a day.

Holy hell. How old is she? She's acting like a teenager.

 

[msv]

The more she texts this dude the less and less I care. 55 times today in the past 4 hours

There's no reason you can think of why she's acting like this? I think it's time to find your anger here. Don't let it get to you when she gets defensive on you and tries to turn the table by making it look like you're 'invading her privacy' or something. Stand firm, confirm that she's cheating, and then demand that she move out of the house. Or whatever is financially best for you.

Get some proof of her cheating, then confront her (no need to show the proof, it's evidence for your divorce) and lay it on her (not physically). Ignore her childish psychological defensive actions, and just keep demanding the truth and what the hell is going on. Don't be afraid to let out some anger, as long as you just don't get physical in any way.

 

[zatara]

There's no reason you can think of why she's acting like this? I think it's time to find your anger here. Don't let it get to you when she gets defensive on you and tries to turn the table by making it look like you're 'invading her privacy' or something. Stand firm, confirm that she's cheating, and then demand that she move out of the house. Or whatever is financially best for you.

Get some proof of her cheating, then confront her (no need to show the proof, it's evidence for your divorce) and lay it on her (not physically). Ignore her childish psychological defensive actions, and just keep demanding the truth and what the hell is going on. Don't be afraid to let out some anger, as long as you just don't get physical in any way.

Well dude she started a new job 2 months ago, and she is 70lbs lighter and now wears make up and gets her self done up every morning.

 

[msv]

Well dude she started a new job 2 months ago, and she is 70lbs lighter and now wears make up and gets her self done up every morning.

Well, by itself that's not a bad thing I'd say, unless she's anorexic now? Maybe you can call the guy and find out what's going on, if your wife keeps lying to you.

 

[Sanky Panky]

Zatara, be the bigger man and don't give an absolute shit about this woman. The only way you can get back at her is by being happy on your own, getting over this, not caring, etc etc etc.

She'll come crawling back at one point, and there will be your chance to redeem yourself by completely ignoring her.

 

[zatara]

Well, by itself that's not a bad thing I'd say, unless she's anorexic now? Maybe you can call the guy and find out what's going on, if your wife keeps lying to you.

At this point I don't really care what they talk about.

 

[FallingEdge]

Well i'm moving out today. She left for work without wearing her wedding band or engagement ring like she has since we've been married. I told her when she was leaving "have fun at work" she said "oh i will".


All of my stuff is packed in my car, I called off work for the day so I can spend what is probably going to be the last day I will see my dogs and I am a wreck. The crappy thing is everyone I know is at work and I have no one to talk to about this.

Dood, I'm sorry. That's so rough to hear =/ You did the right thing by confronting her about it as it was something that was bothering you. A relationship should be open in that case. While it is true she doesn't need permission to have friends blah blah blah, the way she is handling it when you want to talk to her about it calmly is absurd. Plus with her taking off her wedding band... just wow.

Really sorry to hear how this is turning out.

 

[zatara]

She ain't gonna no what hit her, she thinks i'm at work. Even this morning I was all nicey nicey making breakfast for her to make her think that I'll do anything to make this work.

 

[Orgen]

Zatara, be the bigger man and don't give an absolute shit about this woman. The only way you can get back at her is by being happy on your own, getting over this, not caring, etc etc etc.

She'll come crawling back at one point, and there will be your chance to redeem yourself by completely ignoring her.

This.

Time to bail out, don't give a shit (I know it's hard but it's what you have to do), start over and be happy by yourself.

Sorry it all ended like this. Be strong and good luck!

 

[Jamesfrom818]

She's going back to "old jen?"

Maybe you should talk to her friends and family and ask them about "old jen"

 

[zatara]

just got done talking to a divorce lawyer and basically i dont have to pay any utilites if i leave. only problem is that most are in my name and if she doesn't pay it ruins my credit. also as far as support goes she's always made more money than me so she won't get anything on the support end.

 

[reilo]

just got done talking to a divorce lawyer and basically i dont have to pay any utilites if i leave. only problem is that most are in my name and if she doesn't pay it ruins my credit. also as far as support goes she's always made more money than me so she won't get anything on the support end.

If she doesn't pay utilities, then the utility companies shut off the service and good luck living in that environment.

If she moves out, then cancel the utilities yourself.

Best of luck, in all sincerity.

 

[Bucket-o-roadkill]

If she doesn't pay utilities, then the utility companies shut off the service and good luck living in that environment.

If she moves out, then cancel the utilities yourself.

Best of luck, in all sincerity.

Yeah, couldn't agree more with this. At least its one thing less to worry about during this horrible time

 

[Minamu]

Wow. Hang in there zatara. This is a great chance to turn your life around and become a better person. Seems to me like you'd be one without this person in your life.

 

[zatara]

Omg this wait is killing me, 5 more hours till she gets home.

 

[RoH]

just got done talking to a divorce lawyer and basically i dont have to pay any utilites if i leave. only problem is that most are in my name and if she doesn't pay it ruins my credit. also as far as support goes she's always made more money than me so she won't get anything on the support end.

Dude, I don't know you personally, but I've been there, and I feel for you. Come hell or high water stand strong / steel yourself to the emotional torrent that has yet to come.

 

[Minamu]

Omg this wait is killing me, 5 more hours till she gets home.

Have you already moved out, or are you gonna do it in front of her face?

 

[zatara]

Have you already moved out, or are you gonna do it in front of her face?

All my stuff is packed but I'm waiting for her to get home to drop the bomb. I'm gonna give her the opportunity to explain herself and also give her the opportunity to put the utilities i have in my name only in her name. Also if she's gonna contest it or not. Also shes on my insurance so I can let her know im dropping her from it.

 

[ATF487]

All my stuff is packed but I'm waiting for her to get home to drop the bomb. I'm gonna give her the opportunity to explain herself and also give her the opportunity to put the utilities i have in my name only in her name. Also if she's gonna contest it or not. Also shes on my insurance so I can let her know im dropping her from it.

Go out and kill some time. If you have a gym membership, now would be a good time to go, as lifting/running is incredibly cathartic. Otherwise go for a walk or if you're like me, to the record store. Basically clear your mind a bit before she gets home

 

[mj1108]

Omg this wait is killing me, 5 more hours till she gets home.

Good luck, man. You have GAF on your side. Stay strong.

 

[zatara]

Go out and kill some time. If you have a gym membership, now would be a good time to go, as lifting/running is incredibly cathartic. Otherwise go for a walk or if you're like me, to the record store. Basically clear your mind a bit before she gets home

good idea

Good luck, man. You have GAF on your side. Stay strong.

thanks

 

[samus i am]

Good plan, good luck Zatara.

 

[Jenga]

zatara is a true man of action

best of luck kind sir

 

[Dina]

You sure move fast, zatara.

 

[hiryu]

So I broke my own code and told my girlfriend that I loved her last night before she told me. She didn't reciprocate and when I asked her if she loved me she replied with "not yet". We've only been dating for 4 months but it's what I felt. Anyway, did I totally fuck up the relationship? Does anyone have any experience with something similar? I feel like I've lost all power in the relationship. Is there a chance for the relationship to continue as long as I don't act like a whiny bitch?

Lesson learned: never admit your feelings first.

 

[Dina]

So I broke my own code and told my girlfriend that I loved her last night before she told me. She didn't reciprocate and when I asked her if she loved me she replied with "not yet". We've only been dating for 4 months but it's what I felt. Anyway, did I totally fuck up the relationship? Does anyone have any experience with something similar? I feel like I've lost all power in the relationship. Is there a chance for the relationship to continue as long as I don't act like a whiny bitch?

Lesson learned: never admit your feelings first.

It's not you per se. Men are quicker to admit to feelings of love then women are. There was a research on this very subject not too long ago ( http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/8852761/Men-quickest-to-say-I-love-you.html ).

Anyway, it sucks that she can't return in. 4 months is plenty of time, so I don't think you're too quick with this. In my previous relationship, I was the first as well. I didn't get one back straight away, but it didn't take long. That said, my now ex did say that she didn't expect me to say 'I love you' that soon.

As for what you should do... I would recommend not letting it show too much. But don't repeat it ever again before she does. There's still a change to shift the powerbalance to equality, but she has to make the move. Just continue as you've been doing and try to not let it show.

 

[Go_Ly_Dow]

First post in Girl-Age and it's for you, Zatara.

Even if I'm just another person behind a keyboard, that you'll most likely never meet, just be sure that you will be in my thoughts. =)

 

[Lone_Prodigy]

6 years of marriage is a long time, and the two of you have probably known each other for even longer. It seems like you're throwing it all away quite abruptly. I know GAF has supported your decision but we're getting one side of the story (yours) and like jaxword said we're not exactly the best resource when it comes to marriage and divorce experiences.

Maybe it's just a phase or there's more to her side of the story.

Divorce is so easy nowadays, especially with all the lawyers looking for new clients. Don't do something you'll regret.

 

[hiryu]

It's not you per se. Men are quicker to admit to feelings of love then women are. There was a research on this very subject not too long ago ( http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/8852761/Men-quickest-to-say-I-love-you.html ).

Anyway, it sucks that she can't return in. 4 months is plenty of time, so I don't think you're too quick with this. In my previous relationship, I was the first as well. I didn't get one back straight away, but it didn't take long. That said, my now ex did say that she didn't expect me to say 'I love you' that soon.

As for what you should do... I would recommend not letting it show too much. But don't repeat it ever again before she does. There's still a change to shift the powerbalance to equality, but she has to make the move. Just continue as you've been doing and try to not let it show.

Thanks for the advice!

 

[Sanky Panky]

Keep a level head. She's going to accuse you of being overtly jealous "for no reason", that you can't control her life, etc etc.

Focus on the real issue, which is she violated your trust, is doing shit like taking off the wedding ring, and you are not an idiot. A guy doesnt text a girl so much if there was no interest from one side. She's feeding that.

Don't break down, and don't compromise at this point. If she shows you the texts, comes clean with the "family situation" bullshit, etc, then its up to you to give it a chance.

 

[lawlohwhat]

So I broke my own code and told my girlfriend that I loved her last night before she told me. She didn't reciprocate and when I asked her if she loved me she replied with "not yet". We've only been dating for 4 months but it's what I felt. Anyway, did I totally fuck up the relationship? Does anyone have any experience with something similar? I feel like I've lost all power in the relationship. Is there a chance for the relationship to continue as long as I don't act like a whiny bitch?

Lesson learned: never admit your feelings first.

I've been on both sides of that conversation, and if you two are working well in general, then it won't hurt you. With one of my previous girlfriends, I told her first about five months in and she didn't admit that she had felt the same way until the night we ended the entire relationship. She put up a facade because of what it would mean to be vulnerable to someone else. So saying that you love someone is kind of meaningless. I feel that it's evident in how you act.

You've only fucked up if you feel like you have and get into a mindset where you're willing to be walked on because you think you've given power away. That insecurity can show up in other ways and push her away, but if you are firm in your feelings and living your life for yourself then you'll be fine.


EDIT; Zatara, I realize that you're numb right now, but eventually that will wear off and you'll be left with whatever consequences of your actions. Make sure that you protect yourself legally and don't give up an inch of ground to her. It's impressive how you quickly and resolutely dealt with the situation. You could be a good example for others in this thread who aren't so decisive when they're being treated poorly.

 

[Cubsfan23]

just got done talking to a divorce lawyer and basically i dont have to pay any utilites if i leave. only problem is that most are in my name and if she doesn't pay it ruins my credit. also as far as support goes she's always made more money than me so she won't get anything on the support end.

my brother went from bankrupty to good credit in less than 2 years, it's not hard to build up your credit again, if it even does go down. just worry about getting away from her.

 

[Mammoth Jones]

I agree, 6 years is a crazy long time. But discussions need to be made. She needs to know that her behavior is sending off HUGE RED FLAGS. It's ok to be insecure. I'd be crazy insecure if my WIFE is texting another man constantly. That shit isn't normal. If she refuses to explain what else can one do? Beg, plead?

I would suggest asking her how would SHE feel if I were texting another woman 24/7? Ask her how would SHE feel if the first thing you did in the morning isn't to say "Good morning" but to roll out of bed and text another woman?

Her actions are painting a picture of a woman having an emotional affair at best. And a sloppy attempt and hiding a sexual affair at worst. She needs to know that this is where he's coming from and that if they are to have a future together, she needs to respect the boundaries in the relationship.

If she doesn't care then what's the point of staying with someone that doesn't respect your feelings about something when they're your spouse?

At the end of the day, if you're not happy and your partner doesn't want to help address it, then it's time to move on. Such is life.

I wish you all the best w/ that.

 

[Cubsfan23]

She doesn't give a shit, trying to talk to her is laughable.

 

[zatara]

I asked her why yesterday, and how it made me insecure that she's talking to someone else so much. She got mad at me and said that i'm spying on her and that nothing is up. I only mentioned that she was talking to the dude on the phone. She has no idea that I know how many times she's texted him.

There was a similar situation a year ago when she was talking to a dude online quite a bit, she'd wake up early to talk to him and stay up late with him. I know this because they played wow online together and it wasn't too hard to see who she would party with and basically talk the whole time. I told her how it made me feel and said that its him or me. She would say "you don't control me", and I pussied out and she stayed friends with the dude.

 

[RoH]

I asked her why yesterday, and how it made me insecure that she's talking to someone else so much. She got mad at me and said that i'm spying on her and that nothing is up. I only mentioned that she was talking to the dude on the phone. She has no idea that I know how many times she's texted him.

There was a similar situation a year ago when she was talking to a dude online quite a bit, she'd wake up early to talk to him and stay up late with him. I know this because they played wow online together and it wasn't too hard to see who she would party with and basically talk the whole time. I told her how it made me feel and said that its him or me. She would say "you don't control me", and I pussied out and she stayed friends with the dude.

How was your relationship in the beginning, was she always as insensitive to your feeling, and the relationship?

 

[FallingEdge]

Damn. DAMN.

I still feel like moving out is a bit sudden and you should try to talk it out and let her know that you don't appreciate it and want things to change but this is ridiculous. Has she had a history of doing this? Is it something recent? How was the relationship like when you were first married or even prior to marriage?

That is straight up disrespectful right there.

 

[zatara]

Damn. DAMN.

I still feel like moving out is a bit sudden and you should try to talk it out and let her know that you don't appreciate it and want things to change but this is ridiculous. Has she had a history of doing this? Is it something recent? How was the relationship like when you were first married or even prior to marriage?

That is straight up disrespectful right there.

She did something similar the past year. And we talked it out then, and at that time she pulled the same "you are not gonna do to me what my father did to my mother" (actual quote from her), or "you don't control me", "you are just jealous that i have friends and you don't".

She is one of those "i wont change for anyone, you should accept me for who i am" women.


And as far as me moving out now as sudden. The atmosphere here is totally different, we don't even look at each other, let alone talk to each other that much. Here and there the past few days we'd have a laugh but then it would just be pure tension.

When we used to go to bed, we'd be close, not the past 2 nights though, and we haven't kissed, hugged, or said "i love you" to each other. Might I also add once again, she went to work with a different ring on her finger today.

 

[Jenga]

She is one of those "i wont change for anyone, you should accept me for who i am" women.

.

which is all well and good until it turns out they're selfish jerks

 

[Count Dookkake]

zatara, be strong and proceed with your plan.

She is cheating or about to start cheating. She hates that you already know this. Enjoy that.

 

[zatara]

The fucked up thing is that before saturday things between us I thought was going great. But now that I realize that atleast during the last 3 weeks she's been texting a dude non stop, it's just something I can't, not forget. All the times she would be texting right when she woke up and all through the day started to make sense, just about all the time we were together she was texting this dude. That doesn't sit well with me.

Since I started my new shift last month we've had one day off together a week and all we did was watch tv and i sat on the couch and she'd be on the recliner. Now i know during that time, the only day we have to spend some time together, she's texting another dude.