Well despite my slight New Years success I can't seem to meet any girl that is the least bit interested in me. It's rather frustrating as I haven't had a proper relationship since high school and I am 25 now. I'm on a few dating sights sending messages with no luck so far.
Anyone ever get a creeping feeling that you are somehow the ugliest guy on earth, even though you see uglier guys with girlfriends? Frustrating as hell. I'll keep dredging on, but it's an odd feeling thinking high school was your prime, even though you're only mid twenties.
You gotta remember, unless you're really ugly or a really horrible person, chances are, it ain't your fault. You just have shitty luck and just not in the right place at the right time.
I'm kind of in a drought at the moment. I went on a date Monday night. I wasn't really feelin' it, but the girl I went out with totally digs me and had a great time. She just ain't my type at all. Plus, she smokes. We made out for a bit, but the taste of smoke in her mouth started to make me sick. I can't stand that shit. It's foul and utterly disgusting habit.
Anyway, as much as I love being employed and moving towards my goals, I have this ever growing feeling that I will never again have the time or the opportunity to encounter a girl I can see having some kind of future with. Sure, as they all say, that sort of thing is unpredictable and comes into your life when you least expect it. I sure as hell didn't expect to meet my last GF or expect to actually end up being in a relationship. So, yeah, I guess things will end up starting out the same way.
It just depressing coming home from work, spending my free-time alone. I'm too tired to do any artwork or play video games most nights. Lately, I just browse the internet or read a book, before going to bed. I want more that. I have friends, who I see some nights during the week and usually on weekends, but that isn't as fulfilling as I'd like that to be. I miss having a companion and someone special to talk to and spend time with. Now that I have substantial means of taking care of myself and paying for shit, I miss that even more.
I'm just afraid that everything else will work out, but that one aspect of my life will continue to drift and be perpetually empty. When will I meet a girl who's really cool, smart, down to Earth and is actually interested in the kind of relationship I want? Most girls who I meet who fit that criteria are either already taken, or too busy with their own lives to even consider a relationship. So what do I do? Quickies and one nighters aren't fun or interesting for me. I desire a bit more substance and something more meaningful. I'd like that sooner, than later of course. It's been getting me down lately, and has even started distracting me at my job. I can't get these thoughts out of me head. No matter what I do to pre-occupy my mind, they keep coming back.
I'm never happy wherever I am. When I'm at work, I want to be at home, but when I'm at home, I want to be at work. When I'm alone, I want to be out with others, but out with others, sometimes, I see myself just being better off alone. Although I don't want to come off as someone who needs a female to validate his existence, I've noticed I'm much more at ease, happier and overall, much more stable with a lady to call my own. I'm a completely different person. I notice that I have more energy and more motivation. My life feels complete and I get this feeling that everything is going to be okay. Basically, I hate being single. That's just how I am and that's never going to change. I've been single since September and it's been taking a toll on me with each and every passing day. Solitude is something I love and fear. Being alone gives me time to reflect and think. It allows me to go about my business uninterrupted. However, I'm a human being. I'm a social animal. At some point, I need to get out of my own little world and interact with others. It's funny how when I don't want to deal with people, others seem to want me, but when I need them, no one is around. I'm content with who I am and what I do, but I want more than just contentment. I want true happiness and peace of mind. That's something I can't achieve alone and something that I cannot do at my current state. The voids I need filled can only be filled by another. And no, it ain't just sex, as much fun as that is. I miss the emotion, the romance and the passion that relationship gives you. It's a wonderful feeling, especially if you're in love. Love is indescribable. It's something you have to experience yourself. It's a level of devotion, trust, respect and attraction that is beyond written or verbal explanation. I've been in love before. It's an amazing feeling, and I want it again. Not ever having been in love is much easier on the soul than once having it and then losing it. Trust me.
I was going to say more, but I realized I'm just rambling at this point. I guess I'll stop for now.
