Like Hogan desperately clinging onto his WM heritage Im returning to WM myself in the form of prediction time, what do you mean no one remembers old Owls prediction time? I passed the torch to Aiii at some stage Im sure in a fashion as genuine as last years Rock/Cena encounter.
Anyway WM season is perfect time for a part time wrasslegaffer to get gassed typing up a wrasslin of words.
Fatal Four-Way Tag-Team Match: The Usos (c) vs. Los Matadores vs. The Real Americans vs. Rybaxel
It was back at a pre show a few manias ago where I discovered that the Uso duo werent anywhere near as bad as I thought they were, I never thought theyd last in the era of no tag teams that they spawned from but they endured and I think theyve earned the belts. Alas the tag team focus of the current period goes in and out and this isnt exactly a stellar lineup of teams, or perhaps the jobberiffic appearance of Los Matadores is that distracting (though they are tag vets Primo and Epico so I guess its not so bad). Rybaxel are a tag team formed of failed pushes, its an almost bittersweet combo but I do like wrestlers keeping themselves somewhat relevant by having a makeshift tag team thrown together, works for Kofi Kingston and look how long hes lasted.
Real Americans are a bright spot, Cesaro is potentially on the verge of a break out run but I dont so quickly forget Swags who is a solid hand in the ring and Zeb has been a great manager over the last year. Though with Cesaro looking to ascend soon and the seeds of dissention planted within the tag team I dont see them winning this one. Im looking to the Uso duo to retain which is fine by me.
If this match isnt a tornado style fatal four way and instead utilizes that stupid as hell two people in the ring only formula then its quality has just dropped greatly and Id rather have left out Los Jobberdores and Paul Heymans rejected guys.
Wrestlemania payday Battle Royal utilising Andre the Giant for WM relevance
It must suck to be an upper midcarder with something resembling a storyline to be thrown into the realm of jobbers, Id have thought that Sheamus/Christian and ADR/Mr Ziggles were building towards something a bit more interesting than spot filling but hey its not like we havent seen those guys fight over and over anyway.
Rey Mysterio will probably reinjure himself running down the ramp, booyaka booyaka 911 as they say, Big E is afflicted by the IC title curse where it works as a detriment to the holder, I kind of feel that The Rhodes Brothers should be swapped out with Los Matadores but oh well.
Kofi Kingston may not have any ladders to spot monkey his WM events with anymore but he now exists for this type of match up though Im not sure where he goes after his Rumble survival spot, perhaps I can repackage my old idea of a roaming Bad News Barrett podium for him to grasp onto, speaking of Barrett will he ever wrestle again? I had such high hopes and I wont even get him lobbing insults at this matches participants.
Ah but Im ignoring the elephant in the ring, Big Shows bland presence seems like an easy choice for a winner with the whole Giant thing, time for him to get Wrestlemania moment number 2 (possibly at Codys expense once more).
.wait, is that Brad Maddox in the line up? Oh snap, business has just picked up.
Oh fuck it, Im going with Sheamus for no real reason because nuts to Big Show.
The Shield vs. Korporate Kane and The Corporate Outlaws
I never thought Shield would make it round to another Wrestlemania as a group but here we are and Im pretty chuffed about this, constantly delivering enjoyable tag matches for well over a year and I imagine this match will be a swift and snappy encounter thats over a touch too soon but enjoyable none the less.
Kane has done good work with the Shield in the past so I feel safe in saying that hell put in a solid showing without having to resort to my inner Kane mark for justification, Korporate Kane as a gimmick though is sorely disappointing though, even I have to accept this. The NAO are of course getting on a bit to the point that the current incarnation of Kane complete with abs that make Soulplaya swoon (who wouldnt?) looks as fresh as a daisy by comparison but I also think theyll be able to put on a decent performance here with a brief match time likely.
Anyway The Shield go over team Attitude Era, Rollins flips all over the place, Ambrose pulls funny faces and Reigns spams his limited moveset but Ill get hype anyway.
Obligatory Divas encounter
Id have called it the piss break match if everyone else hadnt wisely beaten me to the punch many times here already and even Im getting tired of referring to them as such, I mean almost every month diva matches are always a timed toilet trip tussle or sandwich slicing showdown and itd be a nice change if that wasnt the case for a change because I need to think up some new alternative names for this dreck.
Oh so the gimmick here is unholy clusterfuck and paycheck battle royal part 2, equal opportunity edition. Horrid memories of WM25s diva match are flooding back, crumbs we could even have the unwanted return of the Kid Rock medley. That tribute to the divas would be won by a man in drag, surely it doesnt get much worse than that right? Well this one could be won by a dense dead eyed doll whose hair looks like part of a cheap cosplay ensemble so that might actually be worse.
So I guess Id rather have AJ retain and then we get to continue this recurring AJ vs Total Diva thing for another 6 months or so, yippee.
Ill just hold out hope I get to see one of Alicia Foxs crater kicks on a Bella Twin.
John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt
Seeing Cena removed from a title or main event match at Wrestlemania is like an anomaly my mind is struggling to comprehend, the future of WWE has to go through him and let me just say right now that I dont think the creepy cultist is going to one up Super Cena at Mania of all places.
Ideally Id sooner see Bray win yet I doubt a loss will impact him as negatively as some seem to assume it will.
I dont actually have much to say on this one, Im still not entirely sold on Bray as a top guy yet and view him simply having a match against Cena at WM as a rub unto itself win or lose. Cena can deliver if hes arsed to so hopefully Bray doesnt get mizd like WM27.
Cena has to overcome the odds of fear and a new generation coming to take his top spot, can he possibly overcome these new odds?! Of course he can, lol Cena wins.
The Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar
The long rumoured match up has finally taken shape with some shoddy build up and my thoughts on the match itself are pretty similar to that of long ago, can old man Taker even take a Lesnar beating these days? How are they going to sell his best pure striker waffle against Lesnar of all people? Surely Lesnars inevitable defeat is going to look a touch silly and so on.
Dont get me wrong, Im a big fan of Taker and hes been a WM highlight for a number of years including last year yet I always doubt his ability as his age increases and his yearly match schedule dwindles to that of a single hands digits, perhaps he absorbs youthful powers from Michelle McTaker needed to wrassle it up each year.
I get the feeling this one either surprises me with its quality or it just underwhelms, there is no middle of the road here. In either case Heyman should pull some great expressions like last year, Brock will make menacing bird calls and Taker will gimmick up a memorable entrance addition.
The streak stays intact.
Daniel Bryan vs. Triple H
Its been too long since I last got to watch Heel Trips in action. As a face Triple H feels like a bit of a farce, some guy who is desperate for crowd pops by spamming taunts, whose entire angle of cerebral assassinating and sledgehammer shenanigans is undermined by being the hero of the stories and ultimately hes someone who just isnt as big a face as hed like to think he is.
As a heel though HHH is in his element, he can revel in dickery, leverage burying time and punch dudes in the dick instead of directing the crowd to his own via a crotch chop for half hearted cheers.
Bryan has been on quite a ride since Summerslam and despite this match up looking like a hasty replacement to CM Punks departure it actually works out a lot better story wise since Bryan has been screwed for months now by our great leader. With both players performing their roles well and drawing the crowd in this is the first time Ive anticipated a HHH mania match in quite some time which is certainly something.
As amusing as Ultimate H going over here and in the main event would be itd also be completely stupid, if WWE want a genuine WM moment then its time for Bryans chase for the title to end successfully tonight and this here is the first step by going over the Game.
After all with the feel good moment of a decade ago not feeling quite so good now courtesy of the whole double murder suicide deal (still my fave WM main event though!) we could use a new one.
WWE World Heavyweight Title Match: Randy Orton vs. Batista vs. Daniel Bryan
So Im going with Bryan as the third participant, Im also thinking Hunter clocks him with a hammer before the match gets underway giving him some time to rest and build up a super comeback. In the meantime we could hopefully get a glimpse at the crowd shitting on the match as one would hope for back when this was still a singles match no one wanted to see.
Orton comes across like hes just along for the ride at this point and happens to be the champ, shades of goofy Orton as of late as well which is one of the best variations on Orton. Batista is depleting the good will he earned from his heel run of 2009-2010, his slow burn turn is lacking much bite which hasnt helped matters nor has his dismal state of being swiftly gassed in the shortest of matches, luckily a triple threat gives him plenty of opportunities to take a kip on the mat outside the ring, wheezing away in his pit of danger.
Orton and Bryan can bring it, Batista is the weak link here in my eyes and his sloppiness could be detrimental to the match. I need the Batista who surprised the shit out of me back at WM23 to turn up on Sunday night and if he does then this could be a pretty fun time after all.
Bryan wins via knee to the face of the WWE, Batista can then complain on Raw about how he was never pinned and get what he loves most, a rematch.
Boy WM30 almost looks somewhat respectable after the last three WM events, I expect many a video package and backstage segment fluff to cut into vital match time and make me grouchy. Hogan will be brothering away on the mic at some stage as well so Ill need to make my peace with that as well. Otherwise this could be decent and with the right ending maybe even good, maybe.