So
Im fucking bored again.
You guys are awful, you know that? I mean
I willingly chose to watch The Devils Hand, as terrible as it was. But this
this one
this is out of my hands. The people have demanded blood, and so, I have no choice.
Let me preface this by saying
theres a lot of sex in this movie. But its not what you think. Like, if youre looking to jerk off furiously to this, you should probably not watch. Go find some actual porn. Save yourself the pain of watching live action Twilight fanfiction and do something productive with your life. Save a puppy. Plant a tree. Donate to charity, what the fuck ever. But dont watch this.
It should also be noted that I couldnt find a
totally legal stream of this movie anywhere. It was pretty dire. But there was no way in fucking hell I was going to pay $15 to watch this shit, so I did my research. Honestly, if I had my way, I wouldnt have watched it at all. So basically, fuck you, Jake. I will never forgive you for this.
Anyway, my point is, my parents have an HBO GO account, because my dads a sucker for Game of Thrones and Melisandres (young) boobs (we have that in common, but I digress). So as I was looking for a way to watch this fucking movie, I thought to myself, Hmm
I wonder
and lo and behold, there it was. So thats what I did. Now my parents are gonna know I watched 50 Shades of fucking Grey and Im going to have to explain myself the next time I talk to them.
I dont
really have anything else to say. I was basically just trying to procrastinate, because I dont want to remember that this fucking movie was once a part of my life, if only for two hours and five minutes. But
Im just gonna bite the pillow (or in this case, ball gag) and go in dry.
So
theres this girl name Ana. Well, her name is Anastasia, but Im too lazy to type that out every single fucking time, so Ana it is. Shes in college
and really fucking boring other than that. Shes shy and quiet and doesnt do much of anything, really. She also works at a
hardware store? Which is kind of random, but whatever. She also has, and I quote, A GPS and a 4.0 GPA.
like
.I think this movie is straight up going to leave me brain dead. You all killed me. This is your fault.
Oh, golly! Im so shy and naïve. I cant wait to get viciously dominated later~~~
And then theres Christian, who has a total baby face and really isnt all that attractive, honestly. Hes got a nice body but you dont even get to see his dick so whats the point?
Theres a whole lotta boobies though, so I guess I should count my blessings.
Also, Christians like
25? 26? And supposedly the CEO of this huge company and wicked rich? What the fuck? I mean, Im 23 and I cant even be fucked to make my bed. I could get into a whole list of reasons why Christian is the perfect man (cue swooning), but the list is really long and totally bullshit so lets just skip to the point and say that everything about him is a middle-aged womans wet dream.
Also before I get into the actual plot (if you can call it that), I just wanna say that this movie is straight up
Twilight fanfiction. And you can tell. Its not as bad as
those movies though, so thank fucking god for that.
But whats really conflicting about this movie is that the acting isnt actually bad? Like everyone does a pretty OK job here. The writing tho
.
Anyway, Anas a college student, right? She lives in Seattle. It rains a lot. Its fucking constantly raining. Kind of like
another
town in Washington
thats named Forks
and maybe
has
vampires in it
.hm. Shes an English lit major or whatever, but her roommate studies journalism and has this huge interview at Grey House (Im totally serious, its that ridiculous) but cant go because of the flu, and so Ana goes in her place. Which is
like
whats the point of her going to the interview if shes not gonna get anything out of it? I mean, I tried in college, but I didnt care that much. Eager beavers are total fucking losers and no one likes them, Ana.
She goes into the office and is totally awkward and shy
like deadass
she trips into Christians office. She kind of stutters around a bit and they talk. The interview happens and in a nutshell its basically him starting at her seductively and her biting her lip. Its just really awkward. Christian goes Ive always been good with people.
I bet you are, pal.
Tell me this isnt the face of a serial killer. Wait
where have I seen you before?
Also she straight up asks him if hes gay and I died laughing. She tries to like
gaze into his soul or some shit, even though they only met five minutes ago, and he does the same to her, and all the while Im drinking myself into an early grave. I mean, in Christians defense, Anas kinda actually cute, but he offers her an internship, knowing absolutely nothing about her, and its all just too surreal for me to take seriously. God, they literally just met and its already turning into a sappy love fest. I wonder if my roommate has any bleach that I can mix with my drink?
He manages to swipe the answers to his questions
and she totally doesnt notice
but okay. She goes outside and stands in the rain and doesnt even bother to move. Bitch
thats how your fucking roommate probably got the flu
.
Ana goes home and talks to her roommate
about Christian, obviously. Roommate is dumb and goes omg hes so hot?!?!?!?! and Ana just makes a tuna sandwich. Which looks delicious, but then her roommate steals it. I AM FURIOUS BECAUSE ANA DOES FUCK ALL TO GET IT BACK???
God, are you there? Its me. Why the actual fuck is Ana so stupid? Please grant her the power to cut a bitch. Thanks.
She goes and bites her lip some more and dreams longingly about the mysterious billionaire she just met. Some dude gets all goo goo gaga eyes at her for a minute and she goes to work. At a hardware store. She gets a call from Mom saying they cant come to her graduation. Which is
actually kinda sad?
Anyway her hot coworker asks her for
a hand out back. Hmm.
She turns the corner and sees
Christian! Wow what a surprise, literally no one saw that coming, right? Ana goes What the fu--- and Christian, in typical serial killer fashion, advances on her anyway. She then proceeds to help him pick out rope and cable ties and tape
for no reason. He asks her what her thing is and she basically goes, I breathe through my nose sometimes? Idk. Ana calls him a serial killer and I nod my head in agreement. He talks about taking his clothes off, she lowkey loses her shit
I laugh. She goes I cant
I cant think of anything else. Well to be fair, can you think at all?
Its almost like you can see her brain cells dying...one by one.
Christian offers to do an original photo for her roommates article, and gives her his number. Im pretty bored at this point, so what else do I do
but grab another drink? I mean it was inevitable.
They take some photos, Christian refuses to smile because hes a grumpy man child, there are some more Longing Stares
and the Christian and Ana go out for coffee. He questions her about her boyfriends. He gives off some more killer vibes
and then promptly ends the date when they talk about
some pretty gross stuff. No, not bondage. Or anal fisting. Or scat play. Oh, no. Much worse than that.
Romance.
.
..
.
God, just let me die. He protects her from a violent bicyclist and he goes stay away from me!!!111!!!! and I go thank fucking god thats over. But deep inside, I knew I couldnt possibly be that blessed. And I was right, because this shit doesnt end there.
Ana and her roommate finish their finals and decide to go party. Theyre getting ready and talking about makeup being all over my face
thats the point
when Ana gets a package from Christian. Its some old first editions of some really old book
my inner book nerd gets a huge fucking boner.
Anyway. Ana finishes her drink and off they go.
My life
and this review, summed up in one picture.
They go to a pretty happening bar, and Ana drunk dials Christian. She tells him she has to pee really bad. He gets all protective and she tells him to fuck off, but he
finds her and comes to get her? In the meantime, her friend gets all creepy and tells her he likes her. Ana goes ew
boys are icky and have cooties and Im like I feel you. He wants to kiss her but she says no and he gets rapey and then
Like
a serial killer Batman, Christian comes out of fucking nowhere and saves her. She then pukes all over his shoes. What a movie, am I right? He gives her a hankerchief. Actual line from the movie: I will launder this item.
.I give up. There is not enough booze in the world to make this okay. I will forever be scarred knowing that this shit actually exists, and that I watched it. Not willingly, because yall are evil, but I watched it nonetheless.
Its at this point that I switch to beer, because I dont want to go to my meeting tomorrow with the commander with a fucking hangover. But I cant make it through this movie sober so
I have to drink something.
Anyway, Anas roommate starts dancing with Christians brother (he has a brother?
you know what, I dont care). And Ana snort laughs and passes the fuck out. I silently wish I could do the same.
She wakes up in Christians swanky hotel room to find this gem:
Can this movie go five minutes without making some stupid innuendo? Jesus fucking Christ.
Christian comes back, butters some toast, they talk about how they didnt have sex because necrophilias not really my thing and not because
its rape? Okay. He gets protective, takes off his shirt, Ana eats some toast and looks like a fucking chipmunk, Christian eats
her toast
with her? Im being literal when I say theyre eating actual toast. They talk about *gag* romance *gag* and stuff, some sappy music plays, Christian goes to take a shower.
Later in the hotel, Christian goes I would like to bite that lip (me: *eye roll*) and Ana cant form any thoughts
or words
but can she ever? Honestly. Theres something about written consent
you all know whats gonna happen, so you dont really need an explanation here.
They get into an elevator and
I dont know what it is about this particular elevator, but boy do the hormones start a flowin. They make out a bit. But some business-y guys get on at the next floor and their little romp is ruined. Fudge!
Back at Anas apartment, her roommate is getting it on with Christians brother. Hes honestly much hotter than Christian so
good on you, girl. Anyway, girl talk happens
Ana goes we only kissed once! and her roommate goes
wait...what? like not jumping on a hot guys bone the first time you see him is the weirdest thing ever. Have I mentioned that this movie is stupid?
Ana goes to work and afterwards gets picked up by Christians lackey, and he takes her to a helicopter. They go on a magical carpet ride. Its really gay and sparkly. Ellie Goulding plays in the background. Get that promo, I guess.
As an aircraft maintainer myself, if you fuck up this plane and make some poor grease monkey fix it for you, Christian, I swear to god
They fly to Christians swanky pad in Seattle. Ana deadass says nothing but wow. This bitch
.
She finds out Christian plays the piano, to add to the list of reasons why hes a mothers wet dream. He makes her sign a NDA
.which is
..kind of strange. But she doesnt really question it all that much in typical Ana fashion and Im drunk as hell so
ANYWAY, WERE FINALLY GETTING TO THE JUICY SHIT. He tells her he doesnt make love and just fucks
hard. Shes totally into this. He takes her to his play room (like your Xbox and stuff? Now, werent you two just talking about sex? Why in gods name would you think he was talking about video games?) and she lowkey freaks out a lil.
Theres all kind of bondage stuff here. But we all knew that was coming, so Im just going to move on. He gives her the smartnotes version of dom / sub relationships
its all pretty boring. Hes like if you be my sub, Ill be your boyfriend <3 and Im like Isnt that a little bit
manipulative? He gets all dark and broody when they start to talk about feelings. Yikes.
Christian tells her you gotta tell me what youre cool with and what youre not cool with but Ana has no fucking clue, because shes a virgin. Christian gets like
.super weirdly turned on by this. Im honestly creeped out, guys. Why the fuck did you make me watch this? What is the meaning of life? Is there hope for me?
Anyway Christian straight up says Im gonna rectify this situation and Im like what the fuck? Just let the girl be but noooooooooooooo. They bang, you see Christians ass and some boobs, the rest of its too graphic for GAF. Sorry folks.
Okay, I have to kind of make a side note here about how unrealistic this movie is. Ana doesnt seem like
shes in any pain at all? I mean I know its different for everyone but god damn, it hurt like a motherfucker my first time. But not here, because Christian has a magic dick or something.
She wakes up to him playing the piano, and they fuck again. I give up.
ANYWAY THE NEXT SCENE IS MY FAVORITE SCENE. YOU WANNA KNOW WHY? ILL TELL YOU.
MOTHER. FUCKING. PANCAKES.
I mean, shes making bacon in this screencap, but I PROMISE YOU THERE ARE PANCAKES.
They eat, Christian sucks on her fingers, they bathe, there are a bunch of ass and boob shots, and then Christian hog ties her, you see Anas pubes
.and hes about to go down on her when
Momma Grey starts calling Christian from the kitchen. Typical mom, cockblocking her weirdly possessive son.
Its break time, folks. Will Ana and Christian ever have super kinky sex? Will this movie stop being dumb? Spoiler: most definitely not. Will there be more pancakes? Not for me.
