I disagree on the "it should come naturally" part. That is like saying don't use online dating because the natural way of meeting people is in real life, and honestly it sounds kind of like fairy tales. You need to be willing to work on your relationship. Your situation sounds terrible though, if what you're describing is accurate (I suspect there might be some bias).
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Dating Age |OT$6| Just ask her out already
- Thread starter gaiages
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I disagree on the "it should come naturally" part. That is like saying don't use online dating because the natural way of meeting people is in real life, and honestly it sounds kind of like fairy tales. You need to be willing to work on your relationship. Your situation sounds terrible though, if what you're describing is accurate (I suspect there might be some bias).
Krauser Kat
Member
Sometimes i post naked pictures of myself on the internet. Sometimes people talk to me on anonymous apps and sometimes they turn out to be okay people. One of them is quite attractive and will be in my city next week.
Game plan is meet in a public place, grab drink like any online dating and then if it seems safe move onto a more fun things.
The world is crazy my friends.
Game plan is meet in a public place, grab drink like any online dating and then if it seems safe move onto a more fun things.
The world is crazy my friends.
3 weeks ago I met someone from online that I'm interested in seeing where it goes. We've had 3 good dates so far which is actually a really good streak for me considering the past few years. I thought it was going good, but one of my friends think it's weird we don't communicate everyday? If we were exclusive it would definitely bother me, but it's barely been 3 weeks... is that actually a red flag at this point? Thanks for any advice
It's fine. The main communication topic should be revolving around arranging future dates, anyway. The rest is superfluous.
If anything, some people screw up by overtexting and suffocating the other person.
I think he means getting along and showing affection should come naturally. It shouldn't feel forced.
Obviously nothing is perfect and you need to work on things within a relationship, but the actual loving part should come naturally, that shouldn't be work in my opinion. It's the other shit that needs attention.
Our relationship was strange and if you asked me about it 9 years ago I would have been a lot harsher towards her, but nah I'm way past that now I don't really have anything against her anymore. In fact we talk once or twice a year now, after taking 3 or 4 years off from each other. I guess we all are biased in some ways but... I'm a super positive person, optimistic pretty much always. It was brutal to be with someone that spiraled into depression like she did. We were living on the beach in an "exotic" foreign country and she couldn't pry herself out of bed before noon every day, if not later. She just watched TV, ate, and complained about life and wanted to go back to the States. Shit sucked. I wasn't without fault mind you, and I learned a lot about relationships and how to be a good partner from this one in particular, but I think I'm presenting it in a pretty fair way here.
I definitely think the more you date and have relationship the more loving and understanding does come naturally, because ideally you've learned from past relationships about who and what you want, and before you even get into the relationship you've already vetted her against the shit you've experienced and disliked previously. One of those things might be someone with different "love languages" perhaps.
NamelessMonk
Member
>_> I feel ignored.
We get along just fine, it's not that.
About the natural part, there are plenty of examples of this in the book. One is of a husband and wife. The wife describes the situation: "He works five days a week and at home he mostly sleeps in front of the TV and does dishes. On Saturday plays golf in the morning, works in the yard a lot, mows the lawn, and then we eat popcorn in front of the TV. On Sunday we go to church in the morning and evening, and inbetween he watches TV. But I don't feel loved. I have told him but nothing changes!"
The husband explains the situation himself: "I do plenty of things to show her love. I get home earlier than her so I often have dinner ready when she gets home. I do the dishes afterwards. I do work in the yard because she can't with her back, and I mow the lawn because of her pollen allergy."
The wife replies: "But we never talk! He thinks asking me how my day was is talking, but it isn't. We never sit down just me and him and talk about our life, our goals. He's always too busy cooking or cleaning or yardwork."
The husband is then asked how the perfect wife would be. He describes her doing the dishes at times, having dinner ready after he's finished his yard work. Helping out with other chores at home. He has simply never expressed these feelings because he thinks that in being married for 35 years, a no-fight relationship was all one could ask for.
The problem here is that the husband's language is "act of service", and as such that is how he shows his love for his wife as well. His wife on the other hand wants "quality time". There's a mismatch there. The husband thinks he's showing love, but that is not how his wife wants to be loved. Cooking is fine and all, but there is something else she wants more. Simply sitting down to talk 15 minutes a day was what the wife wanted - quality talk, not "how was your day".
I know I sound like I'm preaching but I dunno, what this book is saying just sounds so right to me, it hits home. I guess we'll see if it works in the end tho.
Thank you for the advice! At the beginning stages I always feel overly anxious, but I also have no reason to worry so far. I'm just going to be patient and see where it goes then. So far it feels good to me. In another 3 weeks it may be a different story, but for now it works.
Thank you for the advice! I do notice in comparison to most past experiences we always have things to talk about and I don't feel burnt out when we do actually meet.
Why? Did someone miss your post?
Repost it then! The first few pages were sorta crazy.
Mediking
Member
Heh. Oh, I will.....
Woah this moved fast lol. Thanks for the compliments on the OT guys, my first thread ever lol
LionPride needs to join the fold and give advice lol. Look at him, practically a dating guru!
This is a really good thread and I really like it here. You actually gave advice on how to kill the friendzone in the OT so..... I'm grateful!
NamelessMonk
Member
Oh I can do that? Sweet. Alright well:
So in the last thread people recommended that I just wait for Uni to meet people...
The problem with that is that i'm actually really, really bad at meeting people. I have a few friends, but they sort of came to me, and in high school I was sort of a recluse. I try my best to be friendly, but I think I just repel people off. Plus, guys just tend to ignore me most of the time.
So for first year University... what to do? Someone mentioned joining clubs, but how do people even meet others at Bars?
I personally wouldn't, but it varies from person to person. In my personal experience, though, every cheater has always done it again further down the road.
And RE: love languages. My gf brought them up early in our relationship and it was clear that we had separate ways of showing our love for each other. The base love is there but the way we portray it is very different. Imy not very touchy for example, and for the longest time felt smothered when we snuggled and stuff. However, because the love is there on both parts, the details take a back seat and we get along.
Mediking
Member
Maybe.. you can make other people laugh with jokes,...right? That's like the easiest way to make friends. Say a couple jokes in class then BLAM! You're making friends left and right.
And you're a freshman.... shouldn't your university be trying your best to make you feel like you fit it and can make friends???? When I was a freshman in college, my university had so much stuff going on for freshman to feel comfortable and make friends.
For meeting people in general at Uni, clubs are a good start, as well as going to student run events. If you're living on campus, there will be your dorm mates as well.
From there, you can try meetup.com for additional groups (ymmv), or check Facebook events as well.
Once you're in a group... Just talk! I know that's easier said than done, but interaction is a skill you gain by practice.
Tbh I don't go to bars so I dunno how people meet/hook up there lol.
If the context is that long distance relationship that isn't really that far along, not really? If he's already cheating now, a what would stop him after the "honeymoon" phase is done? Also since you two live so far apart how exactly are you going to trust him not to do it again? Trust is important in all relationships, but doubly so in a LDR. He broke that trust.
EDIT: sorry about the double post
Me too bud, me too...
If it's about your post about Uni, all I can say is I agree with them. I was shy and always give off a look of not wanting to talk or being uninterested. Growing up and having to talk to people I don't know at uni and work did wonder on that and now, even though it's not perfect, I have way less trouble meeting new people and engaging them. Just give yourself time to mature and be more confident, both things come with experience and having to interact with people you don't know ( and a lot of occasions happens at Uni, talking to professors, in front of the class, jury, or work colleagues, clients..)
Also, the moment you stop giving a fuck about what people think about you and will accept you as you are you will feel so much more free and confident. Trying to put up a persona to please everyone will only result in frustration and disappointment on both part.
I had the same problem in College and I'm extremely shy + horrible meeting new people. I met ALL of my friends in extracurricular clubs. The best time to go is when you're new. I even met a few people in the same situation who were also awkward about going to clubs, but wanted to meet new people and we ended up going together. Be open-minded and go to things you're not interested in and make sure to force yourself to go to events regardless. Eventually it will work itself out. The hardest part is going. When you're there try to make one on one connections or work with smaller groups. All of my good friends I approached when they were by themselves and it just worked out. Remember others are always going to be in your situation at some point in their first year. There are always going to be events that make you hate yourself, but just keep at it. It took me a month and a half of going to clubs before I finally met a good friend... and then it just stated a spiral effect. I even got a few date opportunities out of just having a large network. Good luck
This thread is an allegory of online dating.
Meetup.com is supposedly good to meet friends in a non-dating environment.
If you want to meet new people, joining a uni club sounds like a good idea. Find an activity/hobby you might like and sign up. Since you already have that common interest, you already have something to talk about by default!
Something I won't recommend enough is volunteering. Animal shelters, hospitals, homeless shelters, etc. You get to do some good, AND you'll meet good people.
For me, cheating under any circumstance is a dealbreaker.
In your case, if it is the LDR, how will you trust him again? Esp when this is the honeymoon/infatuation phase.
Cheaters cheat. If someone feels lonely and misses their partner, their instinct should not gravitate naturally towards cheating.
"I didn't mean to! It just happened!" is BS. It is an active deliberate act.
"Everyone cheats" is BS and what cheaters say to rationalize their actions or thoughts.
What you need to decide is whether you are willing to stay with someone who you've already established is capable of said behavior.
Yeah man I am not saying love languages aren't real or important, I am actually agreeing with you I guess in a roundabout way. I think if you are incompatible in how you express your love it might not ruin a relationship, but it's probably not good for it either. At least you have realized that the two of you express love differently and you can now work on it. I'm saying I find it easier now to find girls that express their love in ways I like, thanks to experience in and out of relationships. I won't date a girl similar to my ex, because I learned from it. Not just her love languages but tons of other things as well. I know much better what I want and need thanks to her, and the many other girls I've dated.
Lionheart1827
Member
efyu_lemonardo
May I have a cookie?
Lol could you explain it?
Infamous dating-gaffer had a meltdown about being stood up by a chick and having to waste $6 on a parking spot.
Valkerionseven
Member
Update from the end of the last OT. Just straight up asked her out asap like you guys said. Meeting tomorrow night hopefully for drinks and talking ect. Hope it goes well.
Mediking
Member
Wow! Nice! Just straight up asking out is a great way, huh....
Yep. If you're looking to "kill the friendzone", you must first realize there is no friendzone. There's only "Guys who didn't ask" and "Guys who didn't move on after rejection". (Or they could be women)
Mediking
Member
The truth....it hurts.....
Our OT is named "Just ask her out already" for a reason
Thanks :3
Awesome OT. Some really solid advice in there. Thanks gaiages.
Maybe I'll contribute more to this thread. Still happily single, dating a few girls with no intention of settling down. I'm pretty selfish with my own time so it works well for me. Most of the people I'm dating have flexible schedules so we can meet up for dates whenever it suits us.
The most common mistakes I see people making when it comes to dating are not communicating your intentions and over-investing. One piece of general advice that I think can be useful to everyone, be direct, ask people out on dates, not hang outs. Tell people that you're looking for a relationship/FWB/friend earlier rather than later. And if possible, try not to care so much about someone you've only exchanged a few messages with online or a random person you've met through a friend. Until you've gone on a first or second date, you're setting yourself up for disappointment by investing too soon.
Maybe I'll contribute more to this thread. Still happily single, dating a few girls with no intention of settling down. I'm pretty selfish with my own time so it works well for me. Most of the people I'm dating have flexible schedules so we can meet up for dates whenever it suits us.
The most common mistakes I see people making when it comes to dating are not communicating your intentions and over-investing. One piece of general advice that I think can be useful to everyone, be direct, ask people out on dates, not hang outs. Tell people that you're looking for a relationship/FWB/friend earlier rather than later. And if possible, try not to care so much about someone you've only exchanged a few messages with online or a random person you've met through a friend. Until you've gone on a first or second date, you're setting yourself up for disappointment by investing too soon.
Mediking
Member
Our OT is named "Just ask her out already" for a reason
Thanks :3
Awh you're welcome! I really like this thread! I have a new home thanks to you!
Please ask her out before you end up in the friendzone.
What do you have to lose?
Adam_Roman
Member
I mentioned joining clubs last thread. It's super easy, all you do is find when the first meeting of something you're interested in is, then generally at the first meeting they have all returning members introduce themselves, then all new people introduce themselves. Afterward as long as you don't hide in a corner, some people will probably start talking to you.
As someone who was very reclusive during high school, the best thing I ever did was pretend to be more comfortable being social the first week of college. After a while, it stops being an act and starts being real. College is intimidating when you first get on campus, but it gets a lot easier. Schools generally hold events for meeting other students, especially at the beginning of the year.
This. If you act too slowly they'll think you're not interested. That's the big key.
Awh you're welcome! I really like this thread! I have a new home thanks to you!
Please ask her out before you end up in the friendzone.
There is no friend zone if you aren't a friend to him/her
The little self confidence I have lol. That despite my training and loosing weight and feeling more confident in me
Only advice I can give that's worked for me is keep at it, boringly enough. The girl I matched on Tinder around early June has been my "official" gf for a few weeks now and things are great between us. Lost my virginity to her about two weeks after our first date (I'm 20) - haven't really had anything like this before so it's really refreshing after being with some really insecure and closed off people in the past.
Been pretty eager to be in a relationship for over a year and just didn't have things work out at all, minus a thing with one girl I really liked that lasted like three months, then this girl just kinda shows up and everything clicks super fast. Life's weird.
As opposed to confidently doing nothing? Just do it my man, she might say yes.
Been pretty eager to be in a relationship for over a year and just didn't have things work out at all, minus a thing with one girl I really liked that lasted like three months, then this girl just kinda shows up and everything clicks super fast. Life's weird.
As opposed to confidently doing nothing? Just do it my man, she might say yes.
Yeah, let's not perpetuate terms like "friendzone". Being friends with the opposite sex is not the end of the world, regardless of if you had any romantic or sexual interest. Plenty of other people out there, if things go wrong.
ZackieChan
Member
I see nothing wrong with the term. The bolded is incorrect. It's being friends when you HAVE a romantic interest. Most cant get over that, yet do nothing about it, thus stuck in the friendzone.
But the term is often used in a resentful manner towards the person being crushed on, more often than not women. There's a reason why it's so common within Nice Guy/MRA-speak.
ZackieChan
Member
Doesn't mean the term is bad. Honestly, the less you concern yourself with what those kind of people say, the happier your life will be.
I think the problem is that it shifts responsibility from the guy. There's no friend zone, people just either done move on or didn't try. I don't agree with giving that a special name, personally.
8 Physical Touch
8 Quality Time
6 Acts of Service
4 Recieving Gifts
4 Words of Affirmation
8 Physical Touch
8 Quality Time
6 Acts of Service
4 Recieving Gifts
4 Words of Affirmation
ZackieChan
Member
I usually use the term like "I entered the friendzone" or "trapped in the friendzone," rather than "she friendzoned me." Take the hateful words back!
I got:
9 Acts of Service
8 Quality Time
5 Physical Touch
5 Words of Affirmation
3 Receiving Gifts
Now to force my bf to take it
When you put it that way, I guess. I have nothing to lose the haha
Edit:
I got
LOVE LANGUAGE PROFILE FOR SINGLES
Your Scores
9 Quality Time
7 Physical Touch
7 Words of Affirmation
4 Receiving Gifts
3 Acts of Service
A lot about gifts so those were easy answers. I don't care about receiving gifts, I do love to spontaneously give them though.
I got:
12 Quality Time
8 Physical Touch
5 Acts of Service
5 Words of Affirmation
0 Receiving Gifts
Mediking
Member
I don't use the term "friendzone" in a harsh way. I say it as... having romantic/sexual feelings for someone but you're too comfortable with being yourself or being "too nice" to that person WHEN IN REALITY... you should be more direct and open about your feelings. The friendzone is just that. You want more but you made the mistake of being too comfortable at being just a friend... so that person who you want... can't see you as something more than a friend. YOU'RE STUCK. And when you try to escape the friendzone, it's almost always too damn late.
And it gets really complicated because you can become friends with someone and not have feelings for them... but as you get to know them you realize that you really like that person... but it's too late because that person just sees you as a friend. That happens alot too.
And when you finally voice your feelings to that person even though its too late? Hahah you might as well be trying to talk to a brick wall because you're most likely is going NOWHERE.
And it gets really complicated because you can become friends with someone and not have feelings for them... but as you get to know them you realize that you really like that person... but it's too late because that person just sees you as a friend. That happens alot too.
And when you finally voice your feelings to that person even though its too late? Hahah you might as well be trying to talk to a brick wall because you're most likely is going NOWHERE.
Yeah one thing that he mentions in the book is how gift can also encompass "gift of self", i.e. being there for someone, like when you're invited somewhere you do come. It's not reflected in the online test at all but he seems to mean that if you like receiving gifts it's also important for you that your partner is there for you. I dunno really it's kind of a weird connection
I wouldn't say so just from looking at what you got, I'd say it's more to do with how you interpret love and feel appreciated rather than how much of that you require on a day to day basis.
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