Alright kiddos gather around. It's story time.
Now, I'm no Lionel Mandrake. This is probably gonna be really shitty and honestly after reading it you're going to wish that you got however many minutes of your life it took to finish back. But I'm bored and I'm getting drunk so I don't really care.
After perusing Netflix and finding nothing of interest, I took to Tumblr. And there, on my dash, was a sign. A gift from God. A reminder that there is an Australian angel in a movie I have yet to see. No, I'm not talking about you, Tiddums. You either, FUME5.
(Accurate video representation of me during this whole movie.)
Alycia Debnam-Carey, actual human ray of sunshine and squid enthusiast, is the only reason I watched this piece of shit. Honestly. None of what I'm about to recap makes sense, even in the grand scheme of the horror genre. But she saves this movie. I may or not be biased, but that's besides the point.
The movie also stars Thomas McDonnell, who plays Finn on The 100. No one cared about him then, and no one cares about him now. He's pretty stupid. More on that later. Also, it has Jennifer Carpenter, who is most well known for playing Deb on Dexter. She's kind of a bitch. She treats ADC like absolute garbage and I was about ready to cut her the entire time. Everyone else is forgettable. Kind of like this movie.
Wait, I lied. There's this one pastor guy who is...really fucking creepy. I don't remember his name so we're just gonna refer to him as "Creepy Old Dude". Actually, I don't really remember anyone's names, except for ADC, who plays Mary (honestly what a cute name, don't you agree?) so we're just gonna make 'em up as we go along I guess.
Also...spoilers, or whatever.
Welp. let's get started, shall we?
Apparently there's this prophecy, in which in the small Amish town of New Bethlehem, six girls would be born on the sixth day of the sixth month (geddit? because...satan...or whatever). But, here's the kicker! Apparently one of them is Satan reincarnate. Or, like, possessed by him. I wasn't paying too much attention. The prophecy is supposed to be fulfilled on her eighteenth birthday at midnight. Kind of like a satanic Cinderella, except with less pumpkins and more angsty step-moms and death.
So the movie starts where, you guessed it, six women are giving birth in a birthing orgy of sorts. They're all in the same room together, which is weird in its own right, (but considering how stupid this movie is a whole, I'm not surprised), and the nurses are freaking the fuck out. "Omg, six girls, this can't be happening!!!" I wish this whole movie wasn't happening either, old nurse lady. And yet, here we are.
Five minutes in to the movie and I've already started drinking and I'm halfway done with numero uno. At this point, I considered making it into a drinking game, but my liver begged and pleaded with me. I am a merciful host, and so, I obliged. You're welcome, body.
Creepy Old Dude is the head pastor or whatever. Hes basically in charge of the town. He tries to get into the birthing room when he finds out what's happening. "THE PROPHECY IS COMING TRUE!!! I MUST KILL THESE BABIES!!" He's got a sickle or something in his hand. Yikes. One of the baby daddies stops him and tells him to fuck off. Creepy Old Dude gets pushed down the stairs and scampers back to his hidey hole with his tail between his legs. Dude...you're armed and the other guy isn't. I thought this was supposed to be a horror movie? Where's the GORE? Of course, this means all the babies live. Yay! ...or not, considering one of the moms freaks out about the possibility of her daughter being evil and kills her baby. Nurse literally does nothing other than "what are you doing!??" and then the mom stabs herself in the neck with a knife or whatever.
Fast forward eighteen years......and all the girls are having a wonderful time swimming in the lake. Talking about girly things. "Omg what are we doing for our bday this year? A moonlight dinner? BOYS? Teehee!!" Of course ADC thinks that's fucking stupid and tells them to shut up. I mean, she doesn't actually say that, but I know in my heart of hearts that she's better than that. They're all pretty much naked, which...doesn't seem very Amish to me, but I digress.
Two boys creep up to the lake. It's Finn the Fuckboy and his equally douchey friend. Douche friend gets undressed and goes "lol man I'm going for a swim, this totally isn't sexual harassment at all" and Finn goes "lol right on man". Douche friend then swings his naked ass into the lake next to the girls. Obviously they freak out, but there's this one blond chick who's totally into naked douche friend. ADC tells her to raise her standards and love herself and starts to push her out of the lake. Douche friend swims over to them because he's naked...or something. It's totally not weird at all.
Anyway, ADC starts to have a seizure and falls back into the water. She's having visions and shit but of course none of them make sense. Foreshadowing!! Finn jumps in and rescues her and does CPR. She coughs up some water and throws Finn some heart eyes and is on her merry little way. What I find especially hilarious about this scene is that douche friend....is deadass...standing right next to the blond girl...and he's stark naked...and no one bats an eye.
"Oops, is my penis touching you? Lol my b."
Her friends tease her about having another one of her "episodes" (like could this foreshadowing be any more fucking obvious? honestly.) and about getting her "first kiss". Silly girls!!!! ADC is obviously tired of their bullshit. They all skip back to their respective houses.
Me too, ADC. Me fucking too.
Around this time, not only am I on drink #2, but one of the girls is arriving back home. Except, she doesn't go to her house, like a normal person. Oh, no. Instead she makes a pit stop at...her family's chicken coup. The door was open so naturally, because horror movie, the dumb idiot has to investigate. She sees that the small hatch into the chicken part of the chicken coup...and it's dark in there and shit...and omnious music is playing. So she naturally goes "this looks like a great idea!" and goes in. The door shuts behind her and she freaks out. Someone's in there with her, apparently. Must've missed that part, but anyway, she's being chased. She runs away and finds a well. In what is probably THE STUPIDEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN SOMEONE DO IN A MOVIE, THIS BITCH HIDES IN THE WELL. Because there are tons of escape routes there, right? Of course the killer finds her, drags her up by her hair, and kills her. I mean, you hid in a fucking well and thought that was a good idea. Of course you're doomed.
ADC arrives back home and finds her family having dinner. Her wicked step-mom Deb gives her some shit and is just really rude. They talk about her "episodes getting worse". They fight about it, her little brother makes some snarky comment (much like mine, honestly. I feel you, homegirl), and ADC pulls the teenager "I'M NOT HUNGRY ANYMORE" card and stomps off to her bedroom. Her dad comes in, they have a moment, I cry with her because she's in pain, and then there's this weird dream sequence where blood drips upwards from the floor and the room shakes or whatever.
I'm here for you <333333
The next day, theyre all making jars of jam or whatever, and Creepy Old Dude comes in. He tells everyone that chicken coop girl has gone missing. ADC is honestly such a precious cinnamon roll throughout this whole movie, but in this scene, shes like on another level cute. I basically vomited sparkles and rainbows everywhere, even though they were talking about death and the devil and shit. The girls decide to go and look for chicken coop girl that night.
Theres a weird scene with a lady just staring out the window of a red car, watching the Amish in the modern side of town. Thats all.
ADC and her friends meet up and go walk through the woods or whatever. Theres a cut to a scene of the parents of all of the girls talking about how one of them is evil and ADCs dad is like NAH, NOT MY DAUGHTER, SHES PRECIOUS. Im sitting here basically screaming, I KNOWWWWWWWWWWW. Creepy Old Dude is all we gotta kill them, where are they? and the parents are like I thought they were at YOUR house! (classic teenage move, amirite?) They all collectively shit themselves a lil.
The girls actually
dont go and look for their friend. They go to a kegger instead. I nod in approval. Who needs friends when you can have alcohol, honestly? Finn (whos name is actually Trevor? Hahahahahahahah) is obviously there, because youve gotta have a romance subplot, and hes all heart eyes for ADC. Douche friend is there too and hes... such a horrible actor. Everyone in this movie except for ADC and two other girls are borderline unbearable. I cringed a lot, especially at this scene. ADC and Finn go and take a walk and stare up at the stars. He starts saying incorrect facts about constellations and ADC shuts him the fuck up by telling him hes an idiot. He tells her You make me nervous, and shes all Lmao you havent even seen me with my war paint.
I cant wait to have my blonde bombshell of a girlfriend kill you in another universe.
Theyre about to kiss but ADC starts freaking out and having visions again. She runs away. Meanwhile, blonde girl and douche friend are getting it on, when someone comes and kills them both. Surprise!!!
The next day, Creepy Old Dude is telling his congregation Another girl has gone missing
I told yall that this shit was gonna happen, but did you listen to me? Nooooo. Some dude vigorously nods his head in the back in agreement. Outside, Finn comes up to ADC outside the church and is all hey wheres my friend and she obviously doesnt know, but just then her dad comes up to them and is like get the fuck away from my daughter and Im like, I agree. Finn slips a note into ADCs pocket.
That night at dinner, ADC asks her dad what the fuck the Creepy Old Dude was talking about. He explains that out of the six girls, only one would remain and she would become the devils hand. You can see where this is going, right?
ADC goes to bed and hears
something? coming from her closet. She opens it to find a baby fucking bird. At first Im like wat but then she starts going hey there lil guy, youre ok~ in the cutest fucking voice ever and at that point Im totally in love with this shitty movie so. Anyway, she lets the bird go and the scene ends
Why were you hiding in my closet?
I dont know what youre
I mean
.chirp chirp
.
or does it? Creepy Old Dude slams his head through her fucking window and she wakes up. Phew. All a dream! Shes getting dressed and she finds the note from Finn, telling her to meet him at the lake. She tells Deb, hey can I go meet up with my boyfri
.er, I mean, get some yarn? and Debs like Its obvious I dont trust you but ok. On her walk there all the townsfolk give her the stink eye.
She meets Finn and they have a moment. She tells him that her step mom literally thinks shes the devil and
nothing else of consequence happens. Well I mean
they hold hands and make out a lil, and Clarke Griffin and I both lowkey seethe, but nothing else happens.
Shes walking back and she finds
the bodies of her two friends. She freaks out and runs to tell her friend, who tells her dad, who then, and Im not even kidding, ties the rope thats attached to his horse around his neck and has the horse break it for him. I feel like a bad person, because I honestly laughed wicked hard and ADC screamed. It was just
so absurd. I couldnt help it.
They hold a funeral, or something, which is basically just Creepy Old Dude talking shit about the three remaining girls, and he makes them stand up in front of the congregation and they admit they went to the party. They basically get put under the Amish equivalent of house arrest.
Nofunallowed.jpg
That night (a lot of shit happens at night in this movie...) the mom of one of the other girls tries to smother her daughter with a pillow. She just kind of...gives up and walks away. The next day that same mom jumps off the church and gets skewered on a conveniently placed metal spike. It's never really explained why these parents keep offing themselves. They just do. Maybe because they realized they were in an awful movie. We'll never truly know.
The girls are sitting in the church, and then Creepy Old Dude goes "it's time for your examination" and I'm like "um what". So obvs ADC gets called first and he's all "have u sinned lately" and she goes "lol nope what do you mean I haven't kissed any boys or played and lesbian characters who sparked gay revolutions lately no sir." Except that...she's on her knees? And it's really uncomfortable to look at?
".........yikes x 20 billion"
He then tells her to get naked. No joke. At first I could've sworn
this started playing in the background, but then it gets...really creepy, and he's feeling her up, and she's crying, and I just want to reach into my computer and protect my bae. She's holding a glass of water while he does this and I'm just like..."why tho". Obviously he's just using it to get his rocks off. She eventually drops the glass of water and peaces on out. She talks to her friends about it and one of them is like "he's just trying to help!!" and the other's like "dude that was really
queer" and ADC is like "...same."
kay so...that's about halfway through the movie, and I'm getting a headache and I have to pee, so we're gonna take a slight commercial break. Stay tuned.
