IM WAKING UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I FEEL IT IN MY BONES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ENOUGH TO MAKE MY SYSTEM GLOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WELCOME TO THE NEW AGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TO THE NEW AGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TO THE NEW AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This weeks Emily Hates Her Life is brought to you from our very own FakeGAFfer, A Fish Afficionado. All of my hate and disgust is directed at him this week. Not because hes a Saorsie fan, but because this movie literally made me want to commit seppuku. But dont they all?
I BRING YOU: The Host, starring Saorsie Ronan and a bunch of people no one gives a fuck about. Based on a book written by Stephanie Meyer of Twilight fame, so you already know this is going to be dire.
Before we begin, I think you should all know a lil bit about me. Picture this: it is the year 2007. A lone high school sophomore, 15 years old, is reading a book. The book is
the very same one this fucking movie is based off of. And the girl
well, the girl had a lapse in judgement when she decided to read it, in hindsight. But she grew up to be beautiful and amazing and just a sweetheart in general, so everything ended up being okay in the end.
It should also be noted that this movie is the exact same length as 50 Shades of Grey. COINCIDENCE?????????????
Do you enjoy sci-fi tales about aliens? Do you enjoy romantic subplots that are fulfilling and leave you wanting more? Are you a CGI connosieur, and enjoy marveling at the technological accomplishments of films and how awesome they can look? If you answered yes to any of these questions
keep looking. This movie doesnt have any of those things.
The movie starts off with the planet
being at peace or some shit. Because aliens invaded it and took over the minds and bodies of the human race. They all have these creepy silver eyes and theres even a montage of a bunch of people smiling at the camera
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
CUE
.SAORSIE RONAN. Academy Award nominee
.Saorsie Ronan. Why did you get roped into this shit, sugar plum? Anyway, her first scene is her fighting off a bunch of creepy police aliens in white suits. They all have lighters or something that say PEACE on it and Im
.this is so dumb. She knocks the fuck out of like four of them in a really fucking awful fight scene and they just stand there
..
Im gonna skip ahead and get to the point and tell you that she jumps through a fucking window and dies. The end. The movie is over.
THANK YOU FOR SAVING US FROM HAVING TO SUFFER THROUGH THIS. I mean, Im sorry that youre dead
but thank you.
.I lied. Of course shes not fucking dead. And to top it off, she magically doesnt have any broken bones or any internal injuries. Bitch
.you just jumped out of a window at least ten stories up. How in the fuck
.
The aliens take her to get patched up or whatever and they insert a silver glowing fuzzy centipede into her neck. CUE WANDA. Im serious. Theres a fucking alien named Wanda. Well her real name is Wanderer but Wanda is the nickname she gets later on (why do I fucking remember this shit from my youth havent I suffered enough).
I bet Japanese schoolgirls really liked this movie
if youre catchin what Im throwin.
So basically these aliens wriggle into a host and then totally wipe out the consciousness of whoevers currently in there (aka humans, in this case), so now theres a whole planet of these fuckers walking around in what are essentially human husks for aliens. Sounds pretty fucking awesome to me, tbh. Id let the aliens win.
Apparently Wanda is like some centipede sage, old and wise, and has been through a bunch of different lives and different species across several planets. There are several scenes of Wanda, in Saorsies body, walking around in a sparkly dress, and then she starts to go crazy and omg her host is still in there? Who woulda thought that a super powerful or unusual teenager would be the change necessary to destroy the evil currently plaguing their world?
Fun drinking game: take a shot everytime something stupid happens in this movie. Or better yet, drink the whole bottle in one go and pass out before you even make it past the first five minutes. Id consider that a huge win tbh.
but I digress. Wanda starts hearing voices and whatever, so she goes and talks to her friendly alien friend (whos way hotter tbh) and apparently this bitch is a hunter of rebels who are totally against forcible penetration of centipedes into their necks. Kinkshamers are the worst, arent they?
But apparently Wandas host was one of these rebels, so
they want to use her to get info. Flashback time!
This movie doesnt really explain a lot of shit. Like, I know I read the book when I was a wee lass but god damn, its so fucking all over the place it makes my drunk brain hurt.
Wandas host is named Melanie Stryder, which totally sounds like a name a porn star would have, but thats just me. Im not going to get into her backstory other than that because no one fucking cares. Her family died and she went on the run is the basic gist of it. Wow, how FUCKING ORIGINAL. I HATE YOU STEPHANIE MEYER FOR MAKING THIS SHIT UP ASDFGDHGFKLDFJADK
Can you kill me next? Pretty fucking please? I DONT WANT TO WATCH ANYMORE OF THIS.
Wanda keeps having these internal battles with her hosts consciousness or some shit, and they have some
I dunno, philosophical battle of wits and Wanda feels bad
I dont really care. Im already so apathetic to everything this movie does and were legit ten minutes in. Buckle on up, kids. Its gonna be a bumpy ride.
Wanda has a dream of Melanie raiding a fridge, and then some guy comes up and pulls
his dick out a knife on her and then he makes out with her because shes human? Are you serious? ALL I HAD TO DO WAS BE HUMAN AND SOMEONE WOULD MAKE OUT WITH ME? IVE BEEN STRUGGLING ALL THIS TIME FOR NOTHING???????????????????? Anyway this dude straight up chases her and tackles her as she runs away, which isnt rapey or anything, but what else will get a girl to fall in love with you these days other than sexual assault? Hes all IM HUMAN, JUST LIKE YOUUUUUU, I HAVENT SPOKEN TO ANOTHER HUMAN IN TWO YEARS OMG LOVE ME and Melanie is taking none of his shit
except she lowkey is
because hot boy
and YA source material
This fuckboys name is Jared. In case anyone gave a shit (spoiler: I dont). Hes all hey wanna make out and shes all sorry cant gotta go BABYSIT my stupid fucking brother, and then he offers her a ride
on his dick in his truck and the scene is really stupid and corny please kill me.
Wanda wakes up from the dream and is lowkey like omg I love jared so much and melanies like bitch hes mine??? and they scream at each other internally for a bit and Melanie makes Wanda throw a pencil IN ANGER.
Melanie goes YOU KNOW DEEP DOWN THAT INHABITING HUMANS IS BAD AND WRONG and Wanda starts to have some serious emotional struggles, which doesnt really make sense because the worlds at peace? I mean I know aliens are supposed to be bad but I cant really see the problem with living in a utopia even though your consciousness basically gets erased. Thats what fucking happens when people drink, and thats ok, so whats the difference???????????
Flash forward to another flashback (jesus Christ Im so confused) to Melanie and her brother living with Jared (*swoon*), and he teaches her brother how to fight while Melanie does laundry (what kind of sexist shit
). Anyway Melanie and Jared are sitting on a couch and shes all why wont you kiss meeeeeeeeeeeeee and so of course because TEEN ROMANCE they make out a lil and I continue to contemplate suicide. Theres about ten minutes of them gazing into each others eyes everytime they pretty much do anything, its really gross and too heterosexual for me.
So theyre making out and Melanies like pls fuck me thanks and Jareds like No???????? and she basically has to beg him to have sex with her
I mean, Im not an expert on the Gays, but Im getting a red (and green, and blue, and yellow, and purple, and orange, etc.) flag from Jared. And like, I get that guys arent all sex mongering whores but
.Ive just got a feeling
..In short, they bang on a couch, teens everywhere go THIS IS ME?? and cry.
It should be noted that anytime theres a flashback, its actually Wanda remembering parts of Melanies life, so
its kind of the equivalent of her watching them fuck from across the street with a super high tech pair of binoculars that she bought from a military distributor online.
GOD, THE MOVIE IS READING MY MIND, ABORT MISSION.
Theres a stupid explanation for how Melanie got caught, something about them shacking up in an abandoned hotel when the BIG BAD ALIEN CENTIPEDES found them, so Melanie did the heroic thing and jumped out a fucking window so they wouldnt catch the others. No one actually cares, news at 11.
Melanie lets it slip that the rebels are hiding in the desert and she begs Wanda not to tell anyone, and of fucking course, Wandas all omg I love humans now for no reason, or maybe theres a reason, but the movie hasnt really fucking explained that considering I just got here like two days ago, so why I would give a fuck is honestly beyond me, but whatevs and she and Mel become best friends (Im gonna call her Mel from now on because Im getting really drunk and typing is hard).
Theres another montage of Wanda getting interrogated by the hunter lady and then suddenly shes in a swamp????????????????????? And the hunter lady shows up in a chrome fucking car??????????????? The whole scene is about some moral quandary about do you sympathize with the humans???????????? and so since I dont care I use the opportunity to get a drink.
Hunter lady goes omg weve almost found Jared and MelWa (lmao make this stop) loses her fucking shit and they get maced.
Goodnight sweet prince
ess.
When MelWa (listen, if I have to suffer through this, Im gonna make it as unbearable as I can for the rest of you as payment) wakes the fuck up, hunter lady is all were gonna find you a new host and Wanda freaks because shes lowkey in love with Mel or some shit (girls are great, Wanda, Im glad youve figured that out too). Hunter lady is all I wanna be inside Mel for a lil bit
to get her memories
yeah
. MelWa escapes by jumping off a balcony (homegirls got a death wish I swear
) and asks some guy for his car. Hes deadass like okay!!! and they drive off to Texas to find some dude who will supposedly help them escape.
Theres a dancing scene in the rain and its too cheesy for me to handle
and then they make out against a wall and I vomit all over my keyboard. Honestly I hate them so much. Mels like are these memories too painful? and Im like they will be when I remember that I watched this shit, but thanks for caring.
MelWa has more internal struggles in a car because Wandas like WERE GOING TO FORTH WORTH and Mels like WERE GOING TO ARIZONA TO BE WITH MY REBEL FRIENDS (me: why would you wanna come here??????) and then they start fighting over the steering wheel and the car DEADASS FLIPS LIKE FOUR TIMES AND I JUST LAUGHED SO HARD. But obvs theyre ok because theyre so special <3
Wanda goes Will it still work? and I die inside because shes so fucking stupid. Anyway Mels like lets walk through the desert in heels to find my family! And so, it is done.
Hunter lady somehow finds out where in the desert the rebel base is
and MelWa keeps on walkin. They collapse under the only tree in the desert and some old dude finds them. Its Mels uncle! Named Jeb! Time for an awkward as fuck family reunion. Because aliens.
A bunch of other people come up to them and are all kill it and theres some really disappointed looks but long story short MelWa goes back with them to their super secret hidey hole. Which is literally a hidey hole, because its a giant fucking series of caves.
When they get there Mel sees Jared but he deadass backhands her???????????? And no one bats an eye?????????????????????????? AND ALL BECAUSE OF HIS MAN PAIN
.I NEED A BREAK I HATE THIS FUCKING MOVIE BYE.
..Im back. I had to cry a little because I cant believe you guys would fucking betray me this way. Im drunk and dont fucking deserve this torture. Its like
every week
yall find some new and special hell for me. I will forever be changed by this. You are all so cruel.
MelWa wakes up for find Jared glooming at her. Mels like you cant tell them Im here theyre gonna kill us and Im like THAT WOULD LEGIT SOLVE ALL YOUR PROBLEMS IF YOU TOLD THEM????????????????????? She eats some bread and Jared protects her from some people who wanna kill her. And they say chivalry is dead! Even though
he fucking slapped her unconscious five minutes ago? Sigh.
So theres this other guy named Ian, and hes apparently friends with Jared. Friends. They watch people through binoculars a lot.
Hey Ian.
What, Jared?
This rock were leaning on isnt the only thing thats hard.
.Im topping this time.
Mels lil bro peeks at MelWa through a hole in the ceiling (totally not creepy but ok) and they have a heart to heart discussion about how Mel almost died and its supposed to be really emotional but I stopped caring like
as soon as this shit started so. Anyway Jared and Ian come back
after coming on each other and tell MelWa to stop polluting the minds of innocent children or some shit. Jareds all I hate this thing being here and Ians like
lowkey in love with MelWa? Could
could it be? Not
not a mere love triangle, but
but a LOVE SQUARE?
Jared and Ian go out in a truck
MelWa takes a bath
its all really boring (well, moreso than it normally is). This shit goes on for about 15 minutes and in those 15 minutes you learn that theres a giant wheat field in the caves theyre hiding in? What the fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk this is so stupidddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd. MelWa bonds with her bro over some stars and Wandas all Melanies special and I fuckinggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy does this shiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttttttt exiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssssssssssssssstttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt.
Jeb and Wanda have a moment and hes all YOURE HERE BECAUSE OF LOVE AND I KNOW MELS IN THERE and then the hunter lady gets a helicopter and almost finds them. Yawwwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
Anyway I need a break because I deadass want to lobotomize myself bye