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[BocoDragon]

+1 on spacebar about dancing.don't pressure girls to dance with you. just relax and they come to you.my only unique advice is to listen to top 40. us nerds all know we don't really listen to the usual pop/hip hop/etc.etc. that knowledge will really help your rhythm. .................and dance central.

I like the core of your advice. But I'd say seek out good club/dance/hip hop/pop music, rather than just top 40. There's so much out there beyond what's being pushed on the radio When those top 40 tracks come on, you'll be ready.

 

[number47]

Nah, we're both done after this semester I think

I actually only see her 2-3x a week cause my schedule only allows me to be in for a short period in the morning. I will probs ask her out to lunch then cause i can't drink (legally) for another month

So you know there is lunch,after school,and weekends. You should treat her normally like everyone else. Even though she is older,in this age of technology, we all mature at different levels. Who knows,maybe you have more experiences than her.

But knowing that you are turning 21 in a month,it makes a tiny difference in your approach. You should take your time til your birthday. Hey,Birthday coming up= some sort of celebration in which you can invite her.

 

[CoffeeJanitor]

+1 on spacebar about dancing.don't pressure girls to dance with you. just relax and they come to you.my only unique advice is to listen to top 40. us nerds all know we don't really listen to the usual pop/hip hop/etc.etc. that knowledge will really help your rhythm. .................and dance central.

I need to do this, cause whenever I'm at parties I never know any of the music. It's kinda awkward LOL

So you know there is lunch,after school,and weekends. You should treat her normally like everyone else. Even though she is older,in this age of technology, we all mature at different levels. Who knows,maybe you have more experiences than her.

But knowing that you are turning 21 in a month,it makes a tiny difference in your approach. You should take your time til your birthday. Hey,Birthday coming up= some sort of celebration in which you can invite her.

Yeah for sure. I think I made her feel bad or something a week or two ago, cause I was like "hey what are you doing for halloween?" And she was like "probably nothing"

Kind of felt like an ass after that

 

[number47]

I like the core of your advice. But I'd say seek out good club/dance/hip hop/pop music, rather than just top 40. There's so much out there beyond what's being pushed on the radio When those top 40 tracks come on, you'll be ready.

True, I also forgot reggae on that list.

 

[number47]

I need to do this, cause whenever I'm at parties I never know any of the music. It's kinda awkward LOL
Yeah for sure. I think I made her feel bad or something a week or two ago, cause I was like "hey what are you doing for halloween?" And she was like "probably nothing"

Kind of felt like an ass after that

Did you feel like a ass because you made her feel bad about doing nothing, or because you didnt invite her to something AFTER THAT AWESOME OPENING.

 

[VOOK]

I like the core of your advice. But I'd say seek out good club/dance/hip hop/pop music, rather than just top 40. There's so much out there beyond what's being pushed on the radio When those top 40 tracks come on, you'll be ready.

I wouldn't change what music I'm listening to just to pick up a girl.

 

[BocoDragon]

I wouldn't change what music I'm listening to just to pick up a girl.

Neither. But I think there's nothing wrong with broadening taste anyway!

 

[VOOK]

Neither. But I think there's nothing wrong with broadening taste anyway!

I guess I'm spoiled, my girl doesn't care two shits about music :/

She'll listen to anything, and doesn't dance either. Winrar.

 

[BocoDragon]

I guess I'm spoiled, my girl doesn't care two shits about music :/

She'll listen to anything, and doesn't dance either. Winrar.

I prefer 7zip.

 

[CoffeeJanitor]

Did you feel like a ass because you made her feel bad about doing nothing, or because you didnt invite her to something AFTER THAT AWESOME OPENING.

Both...

I never really considered inviting her...I don't know why...I was just going to my buds later on in the night...

Okay I failed.

 

[VOOK]

I prefer 7zip.

I haven't used either lol.

 

[Jamesfrom818]

Well I just did my charity work for the year. No more girls with Myspace angle pictures.

 

[schroddycat]

Guess this is the thread for me to ask.

What do you guys do when your significant half/girlfriend/crush is fretting over work/study stress? I have a crush who is stressing over her thesis paper which would be due next week and she asked me out this afternoon for lunch but alas I was occupied with my schedule. I'm kinda bad in handling this sort of situation because all I can do at best is to be a listener rather than giving some sound advises/wisdom. I feel pretty bad because I do not know what/how to do to make her feel better. Hmm, she like cakes and coffee, maybe I'll work out something with that?

Anyway GAF, any suggestions?

 

[Dina]

Guess this is the thread for me to ask.

What do you guys do when your significant half/girlfriend/crush is fretting over work/study stress? I have a crush who is stressing over her thesis paper which would be due next week and she asked me out this afternoon for lunch but alas I was occupied with my schedule. I'm kinda bad in handling this sort of situation because all I can do at best is to be a listener rather than giving some sound advises/wisdom. I feel pretty bad because I do not know what/how to do to make her feel better. Hmm, she like cakes and coffee, maybe I'll work out something with that?

Anyway GAF, any suggestions?

One or two things. Either you're a listener, which comes easy (but avoid giving tips, most likely she knows where she messed up and doesn't really need your help) or you're her coach. The latter is easily the most powerful of the two roles, but it is also the hardest because you might tell her something she doesn't want to hear (but needs to hear). It may also go against your natural feelings as you want to be friends with that person, so tough love might not come easy.

It also depends on what she wants. Some don't want any advice or help, just to vent frustration, while others will accept the advice even if it is tough.

 

[Sanky Panky]

Guess this is the thread for me to ask.

What do you guys do when your significant half/girlfriend/crush is fretting over work/study stress? I have a crush who is stressing over her thesis paper which would be due next week and she asked me out this afternoon for lunch but alas I was occupied with my schedule. I'm kinda bad in handling this sort of situation because all I can do at best is to be a listener rather than giving some sound advises/wisdom. I feel pretty bad because I do not know what/how to do to make her feel better. Hmm, she like cakes and coffee, maybe I'll work out something with that?

Anyway GAF, any suggestions?

You answered it yourself. If you know she's working on her stuff, surprise her with some coffee and cake!

After that, offer her a foot massage to relax, and let the rubbing take its course. She'll remember that kinda sfuff.

 

[schroddycat]

One or two things. Either you're a listener, which comes easy (but avoid giving tips, most likely she knows where she messed up and doesn't really need your help) or you're her coach. The latter is easily the most powerful of the two roles, but it is also the hardest because you might tell her something she doesn't want to hear (but needs to hear). It may also go against your natural feelings as you want to be friends with that person, so tough love might not come easy.

It also depends on what she wants. Some don't want any advice or help, just to vent frustration, while others will accept the advice even if it is tough.

Everyone in life will definitely worry on the works or studies they're facing so giving cheesy advises like "hang in there", "don't worry, hope for the best", etc doesn't sound like something that is going to reduce her stress. Oh what the heck, I tried to call her few times, ya know, to play that "listener"/"adviser" role but she didn't switch on her phone, guess she wants to be alone and I guess it's best to let her be eh?

You answered it yourself. If you know she's working on her stuff, surprise her with some coffee and cake!

After that, offer her a foot massage to relax, and let the rubbing take its course. She'll remember that kinda sfuff.

Haha, that was what I planning to do but she said she was outside doing something (before I tried to phone her later again) so I scrapped the idea. Furthermore, I'm staying like 30+ miles away from her so I don't feel like want to ring an empty house with a coffee in my hand.

Foot massage? LOL, we haven't been that close yet but hopefully time like this will come!


Argh, I guess I knew what I'm supposed to do but just the hopeless feeling of unable to help her out in times of her trouble is messing me up as well. Thanks GAF for the advises!

 

[SpectreFire]

So I'm going out for drinks on Thursday with this girl I was acquaintances with from high school. We pretty much had nothing to do with each other never actually talked outside of a handful of times.

A year ago, I found her on OKCupid, played "profile visitor tag" until she broke down and messaged me first. We hung out once shortly after and lost touch again. I started talking to her again recently and got her to agree to get drinks with me this week.

I don't know what the fuck is going on.

 

[Combine]

The tl;dr version: Still nothing girl related accomplished

I won't make any excuses, but to say that those members who advised me that girl problems were the least of my problems were right. I have a whole slew of problems that I had to turn to several medications and therapy to help out with and I only have begun to try and heal myself.

Those who said that it would be wrong to pursue girls while I am not happy with myself were spot on. To this day I cannot say that to myself with conviction, especially given my problems.

I hope I never came across as someone "entitled" to a girl. Because I sure do not feel that way.

 

[Mr.City]

The tl;dr version: Still nothing girl related accomplished

I won't make any excuses, but to say that those members who advised me that girl problems were the least of my problems were right. I have a whole slew of problems that I had to turn to several medications and therapy to help out with and I only have begun to try and heal myself.

Those who said that it would be wrong to pursue girls while I am not happy with myself were spot on. To this day I cannot say that to myself with conviction, especially given my problems.

I hope I never came across as someone "entitled" to a girl. Because I sure do not feel that way.

Girls problems are only a symptom of your problem. I see this weird disconnect in this thread where people don't have any friends, both male and female, and only want to attract women. Without that ability to connect to people in general, which is often obscured by fear, judgement, self-fiction, how are you ever going to pinpoint your charisma on solely women?

As for you, Combine, aren't you on vacation? Weren't there people at that place?

 

[Etrian Oddity]

The tl;dr version: Still nothing girl related accomplished

I won't make any excuses, but to say that those members who advised me that girl problems were the least of my problems were right. I have a whole slew of problems that I had to turn to several medications and therapy to help out with and I only have begun to try and heal myself.

Those who said that it would be wrong to pursue girls while I am not happy with myself were spot on. To this day I cannot say that to myself with conviction, especially given my problems.

I hope I never came across as someone "entitled" to a girl. Because I sure do not feel that way.

Very relieving to see you say that, no sarcasm.

 

[Mr.City]

Not pursuing a relationship is not the same as becoming a hermit.

 

[Snakeyes]

True, I also forgot reggae on that list.

+1. Reggae, dancehall, zouk... If you want to learn to dance, the basics of the slower Afro-Carribean styles are huge. They're not too hard to pick up and they matter;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sEw_b7N0PVg&feature=related

You've almost sealed the deal after pulling off something even half as good as this. There's nothing very advanced about what they're doing in the video either, just a more intimate version of grinding. Any kind of grinding is great really. Just move your lower body with the rhythm, hold your girl close and you're set.

 

[CF_Fighter]

Started chatting with this girl the other day. She messaged me about a book and asked me if I had ever read it, I hadn't but from what I saw of it looked interesting. Told her I was reading the Steve Jobs bio and it turns out she is reading it as well. Conversation evolved very naturally from there, which is always good. She worked at an orphanage in India for a little bit and she managed a few tech startups in Cali. She moved to my town to decide what she wants to do next in life. We're gonna meet up later this week once she gets over a cold.

 

[Snakeyes]

Do you guys have any tips for casual sex within your workplace besides "Don't do it"?

 

[LightOfTruth]

College started out great but engineering is kind of killing me. It doesnt help that there are barely any girls in my engineering classes either.

 

[number47]

Do you guys have any tips for casual sex within your workplace besides "Don't do it"?

So you just want the wrong answers.

 

[number47]

Do yourself a big ,no HUGE FAVOR. and hang out with the guys in your classes. Make the best of it and network.

Now that ive been reading this thread for 2 months+,someone should change it to just "social adjustment" thread.

 

[Atramental]

Do you guys have any tips for casual sex within your workplace besides "Don't do it"?

Do it in your boss's office. It's the last place he/she will suspect.

Then post about it on GAF.

 

[Etrian Oddity]

College started out great but engineering is kind of killing me. It doesnt help that there are barely any girls in my engineering classes either.

Dude, I work weekends now and my social life has been killed. And I'm Greek. :\
I dunno how I'm gonna pull this off, I may have to ask for a leave of absence next semester.

 

[soundahfekz]

Girls problems are only a symptom of your problem. I see this weird disconnect in this thread where people don't have any friends, both male and female, and only want to attract women. Without that ability to connect to people in general, which is often obscured by fear, judgement, self-fiction, how are you ever going to pinpoint your charisma on solely women?

Post of the thread right here, simply because it summed everything up in minimal fashion.

 

[Attackthebase]

The tl;dr version: Still nothing girl related accomplished

I won't make any excuses, but to say that those members who advised me that girl problems were the least of my problems were right. I have a whole slew of problems that I had to turn to several medications and therapy to help out with and I only have begun to try and heal myself.

Those who said that it would be wrong to pursue girls while I am not happy with myself were spot on. To this day I cannot say that to myself with conviction, especially given my problems.

I hope I never came across as someone "entitled" to a girl. Because I sure do not feel that way.

Extremely surprise to hear you write this statement. However, I am extremely happy you did. You are on the path of becoming a happy individual, and I will assist in any way I can.

 

[SpectreFire]

Stumbled onto a picture of this girl I met off POF. We got close really quickly but I didn't get a relationship out of it and we eventually drifted apart.

Feeling a bit sad about it. She was absolutely stunning and was most of what I would ask for in a girl.

Fucking dating.

 

[luckyboyceo]

Do you guys have any tips for casual sex within your workplace besides "Don't do it"?

Wait is this referring to casual sex with coworkers? Or actual sex in the workplace? Maybe a stupid question, but just clarifying.

I can speak on the first, but not on the second (although I wish I could). From my experience it's not entirely as bad as people make it out to be, although I imagine it could certainly get there. I suppose it depends on your situation and on your workplace.

What specifically about it are you worried about? Awkwardness at work? Losing your job? Potential gossip? Or is it something else?

 

[Celine]

Girls problems are only a symptom of your problem.

Indeed.

One does not kill oneself for love of a woman, but because love - any love - reveals us in our nakedness, our misery, our vulnerability, our nothingness.

 

[Rei_Toei]

Cesare Pavese
One does not kill oneself for love of a woman, but because love - any love - reveals us in our nakedness, our misery, our vulnerability, our nothingness.

Said the dude that killed himself, probably because of a failed relationship . But FML, it hits home. I'm not suicidal mind you, the second part.

 

[theignoramus]

thinking about hitting up a club tonight, solo. Cant dance either, but I can converse reasonably well with women. I guess the key is to talk to sets of girls all night long and not walk around and around the club like a loser, gawking at the dance floor?
Gaf give me advise. And how hard is it getting someone to come home with you (or going to her place) at clubs?

 

[natethegreat409]

Women come and women go... None of them really matter to me except for the one that got away 2 years ago.

I've never connected with another human being that way. Maybe life will bring us back together one day, or throw another one at me that I feel a connection that resembles what I had with her.

 

[FreeMufasa]

thinking about hitting up a club tonight, solo. Cant dance either, but I can converse reasonably well with women. I guess the key is to talk to sets of girls all night long and not walk around and around the club like a loser, gawking at the dance floor?
Gaf give me advise. And how hard is it getting someone to come home with you (or going to her place) at clubs?

You're right to not wander around. You'll quickly be identified as 'that guy' and most people will avoid you. It's best to pick a spot, preferably near the bar and approach women that come by. I've been pretty successful doing that whenever I went on my own.

First night? It's hard-ish but definately not impossible. In my experience, it's generally easy to see what girls are easy and which are not. Make sure you get a lot of one on one talking. Important thing here is to creat a sexual connection. So touch her (Of course only if she is comfortable with it but go for it the first time), kiss her and generally be flirty. Hopefully you can get her to leave with you but if not, a number is definately guranteed and you can work on it from there.

 

[Mr.City]

Women come and women go... None of them really matter to me except for the one that got away 2 years ago.

I've never connected with another human being that way. Maybe life will bring us back together one day, or throw another one at me that I feel a connection that resembles what I had with her.

The real issue here is why you can't connect with other people? What barrier do they (or you) erect? What expectation do you place on them?

 

[low-G]

Women come and women go... None of them really matter to me except for the one that got away 2 years ago.

I've never connected with another human being that way. Maybe life will bring us back together one day, or throw another one at me that I feel a connection that resembles what I had with her.

I know that feel bro. Might be worth thinking about the exact details of that relationship beyond 'it worked', if you haven't already.

For me it has a lot to do with how the girl acted around me, beyond just being interested it's a matter of energy and focus.

 

[Combine]

I'd like to give a big shout out to Mr.City for being the only voice outside of therapy who generously lended his ear time and time again to me and my depressive ramblings to this very day. Dude has the patience of a saint to be sure, and the wisdom of a seer to be certain. I may still not have any real life friends, but I feel so very fortunate to have had his online shoulder to lean on.

As I said the year was rough. I could barely think of girls at all during the worst of it when I became consumed by health problems (at first it seemed physical but then it became clear it was mental). The worst time was actually feeling like I was having a heart attack and had to call the EMS. After all was said and done it was a panic attack but that showed just how bad I had gotten all the same.

It took forever to find a therapist and I had to rely on an assortment of meds in the meantime (just got of benzos recently and man, those things shouldn't be legal with those kind of withdrawal symptoms), but I finally found one I like and slowly but surely I have something to start with.

 

[low-G]

I'd like to give a big shout out to Mr.City for being the only voice outside of therapy who generously lended his ear time and time again to me and my depressive ramblings to this very day. Dude has the patience of a saint to be sure, and the wisdom of a seer to be certain. I may still not have any real life friends, but I feel so very fortunate to have had his online shoulder to lean on.

As I said the year was rough. I could barely think of girls at all during the worst of it when I became consumed by health problems (at first it seemed physical but then it became clear it was mental). The worst time was actually feeling like I was having a heart attack and had to call the EMS. After all was said and done it was a panic attack but that showed just how bad I had gotten all the same.

It took forever to find a therapist and I had to rely on an assortment of meds in the meantime (just got of benzos recently and man, those things shouldn't be legal with those kind of withdrawal symptoms), but I finally found one I like and slowly but surely I have something to start with.

I know that feel too bro, struggled with anxiety and depression for years. There will be better days ahead.

 

[natethegreat409]

The real issue here is why you can't connect with other people? What barrier do they (or you) erect? What expectation do you place on them?

Well I connect with people and have had relationships and flings, but none of them feel right. It's hard to explain. She just understood me, and I understood her. I knew her mood the second I saw her or when she texted me. When we looked into each other eyes, there was just trust and love there. She knows all of my secrets, and I was never ashamed to tell her anything about me. I know things about her that no one else knows, not even her husband. She changed everything about me. I never was interested in marriage, or kids. After a 2 years of being with her, I wanted marriage and actually wanted to have a family with her.

I think she kind of regrets us not being together. She still contacts me occasionally, tells me how her life is going and checks on me. I don't think she's very happy with her life right now, but she's sticking in there and trying her best in marriage. So I guess that's good.

If that all sounds weird cause it seems like everything was perfect but we didn't work out, well it's cause she was and is married. The morale of the story being, don't fall in love with someone you're having an affair with.

 

[Combine]

Girls problems are only a symptom of your problem. I see this weird disconnect in this thread where people don't have any friends, both male and female, and only want to attract women. Without that ability to connect to people in general, which is often obscured by fear, judgement, self-fiction, how are you ever going to pinpoint your charisma on solely women?

To keep things on topic, what City is stating here is the absolute truth (certainly for me). I have a huge fundamental defeciency in the ability to "connect" with another person to the point where I lack any foundation to it. How could I have ever thought it would be possible to attract a girl when I cannot even connect to anyone? The fact I have no real life friends is testament to that. I need to figure out these basic steps befor any progress can be made (work in progress with therapy and book reading to assist).

 

[Mr.City]

Well I connect with people and have had relationships and flings, but none of them feel right. It's hard to explain. She just understood me, and I understood her. I knew her mood the second I saw her or when she texted me. When we looked into each other eyes, there was just trust and love there. She knows all of my secrets, and I was never ashamed to tell her anything about me. I know things about her that no one else knows, not even her husband. She changed everything about me. I never was interested in marriage, or kids. After a 2 years of being with her, I wanted marriage and actually wanted to have a family with her.

I think she kind of regrets us not being together. She still contacts me occasionally, tells me how her life is going and checks on me. I don't think she's very happy with her life right now, but she's sticking in there and trying her best in marriage. So I guess that's good.

If that all sounds weird cause it seems like everything was perfect but we didn't work out, well it's cause she was and is married. The morale of the story being, don't fall in love with someone you're having an affair with.

No, you're not connecting with people, or rather your definition of connection is off. Some part of you is stilled trapped with her. You want future relationships to be a sequel to this. They will not. Each person you meet will form a unique relationship, and the key to these relationships is being open and connective, not allowing yourself or the other person to be absorbed. You were absorbed, eclipsed. Enjoy it for what it was and then empty it so that your Self may live again.

 

[Mr.City]

To keep things on topic, what City is stating here is the absolute truth (certainly for me). I have a huge fundamental defeciency in the ability to "connect" with another person to the point where I lack any foundation to it. How could I have ever thought it would be possible to attract a girl when I cannot even connect to anyone? The fact I have no real life friends is testament to that. I need to figure out these basic steps befor any progress can be made (work in progress with therapy and book reading to assist).

There are no books, no steps, no models. What many of those suffering from anxiety want is a guidebook or an easy fix-it-yourself guide. Not matter the mode or model you learn to "succeed" in social interactions, you will not be you. You will be playing the part of some social actor, and once the script runs into some problems ( and it will, being a limited and static thing) you will be stripped of your identity again and depression returns.

When you want steps, you're saying that you would much rather not getting into touch with yourself. Understandable considering your Self is bombarding with horrible thoughts of social destruction, however as long as you never examine your feelings and fears, you will always be afraid of what your social reflection. The social reflection is like a fun house mirror; it's always changing and distorted. The girls at the club hate you; the guys you play video games with think you're great; your coworker is indifferent to you. Where's the truth? Do you only accept the good and reject the bad, reject the bad and accept the good? What happens you reject all of those?

 

[Snakeyes]

Wait is this referring to casual sex with coworkers? Or actual sex in the workplace? Maybe a stupid question, but just clarifying.

Probably both.

What specifically about it are you worried about? Awkwardness at work? Losing your job? Potential gossip? Or is it something else?

Mainly this. Also, do you draw the line at women that have a similar hierarchy to yourself?

 

[Bucket-o-roadkill]

Women come and women go... None of them really matter to me except for the one that got away 2 years ago.

I've never connected with another human being that way. Maybe life will bring us back together one day, or throw another one at me that I feel a connection that resembles what I had with her.

I relate to this so much, its been 51 weeks and 1 day since I last saw my 'one that got away' but I still miss her. I'm afraid to even text her to see how she's doing purely because if she tells me to leave her alone or to go away or something it would destroy me.. even though we haven't talked for months so she's probably forgotten me anyway... dumb, I know.

 

[-PXG-]

I'm bad....I broke a big rule of mine....something that I tell ya'll not to do...

I hooked up with a co-worker of mine, two days in a row. We're keeping things discrete and not making things too serious between us. We're making sure to keep our work and recreational lives seperate, so we won't make things awkward or sour between us. So far, so good. We've been able to work together, side by side, without any problems.

 

[Jibbed]

Hey guys, I could do with a bit of advice...

I'm nearly 20 (M, UK), living in a large student village with around 1000 people my age, been here for about 2 months now. I've had the classic fresher flings in the last 7 weeks or so, and I'm looking for something a little more meaningful now. Anyway long story short, I've seen one particular (gorgeous) girl around a few times, but I know absolutely nothing about her.

How do I go about approaching this girl? She looks like the shy type if I'm honest... whenever I've seen her with friends she doesn't seem to get too involved, and she's always messing about on her phone when alone.

I usually don't have trouble talking to new people or getting with someone on a night out, but I really don't know where to begin with this one.