According to the Gregorian calendar, the year is 2015, but any smash fan knows that the year 20xx is upon us. As the day of the largest Smash tournament ever dawns, the Melee metagame is now the result of 14 years of development. Over the last decade and a half, dedicated Smashers have fostered the development of the beloved party game from a silly, unconventional fighter into an art form. Nintendo's all-star cast is precisely controlled to gracefully move around each other as if locked in a dance, then exploiting the first possible opening to blitz their opposition and carry them across the stage to the blastzone. Smash allows and requires the player to improvise a composition of inputs at every opportunity if they want to push their gameplay to its maximum potential. As Prog would say, Smash is like jazz.
To no one's surprise Zero wins Smash 4 without losing a set. The less than courteous Twitch chat thanks him for the swift and merciless 3-0 against Nairo while the impatient EVO crowd begins the chant that echoes throughout the venue. ME-LEE. ME-LEE. ME-LEE. Those Melee auteurs who were skilled and fortunate enough to make top 8 complete their respective pre-tournament rituals and begin to assemble.
Melee top 8 appears very strange indeed, as several of the usual suspects are absent from the bracket. The enigmatic PPMD's location is completely unknown, no one in the Smash community having heard from him in several weeks. Hungrybox was unable to attend due to having been enslaved by Nintendo after being defeated by a thirsty and well-trained Reggie Fils-Aime's Ryu Amiibo, the experimental sentient technology proving more capable than man and bringing us one step closer to the singularity. Tragically, Armada was eaten by a polar bear in his home country of Sweden three days before the event.
Due to the absence of three of the "Melee Gods," an intrepid Hax$ finally finds himself in top 8. As Aziz moves his cursor to Fox, an already smirking Leffen takes the seat next to the former best Falcon in the world. The first game is nothing short of a tragedy, with all four of Hax's stocks being lost to the abyss below Battlefield in little over a minute. "I can see why you switched mains." Leffen’s quip drips with condescension. The scant 32% he was able to inflict on Hjelte's lone stock at the front of his mind, Hax decides that he has nothing to lose by listening to the now desperate chants of the crowd. He switches to Captain Falcon and takes Leffen back to Battlefield.
As the pink Falcon quickly loses his first stock to a precise Shine spike, Hax refuses to lose his composure. He answers back with some of the smoothest movement and ledge play that the star TSM player has ever seen. The progenitor of the idea of 20xx would now appear to actively defy the notion, as his fabulous Falcon negotiates his way to a last stock situation, cleanly ending the game with an up-air semispike. "This game's winner is... Captain Falcon!" The announcer sounds almost relieved, and it takes Hax Money a few moments to even process what he's just accomplished. Leffen takes his adversary to Dreamland after a quick silent john as he takes his controller out of and back into the port. However, it would appear to the entire crowd that everybody's favorite Falcon was back, as Hax ends the game with a stylish Raptor Boost to Knee of Justice to moonwalk turnaround Falcon Punch in a decisive two-stock.
"I guess the year is 20GX," Hax says in that smooth voice of his as he turns to face the sixth god. However, his amusement is short lived as Leffen replies to his snide comment with a primal scream. Refusing to lose to Aziz's neglected Falcon, the slender Swede's body begins to contort as he reveals his true nature. The hulking, horned, blood-red mass of twisted flesh that emerges makes clear TSM Leffen's origin as a demon from the pits of hell. As Hax gazes into the deep, shark-like eyes of the horrible fiend before him, Leffen extends a tendril in his agape mouth, rending his soul from his body. He then proceeds to close out the 3-2 against the now withered husk.
The young Kevin "PewPewU" Toy is unable to stymie Leffen's sweep through Melee top 8, as one look into the eyes of the antichrist renders the promising Marth main helpless as his life force is drained away. The emotionally defeated crowd has fallen silent as the satanic monster tosses PewPewU from the stage after a quick 3-0. Jason Zimmerman begins to regret his decision to pursue EVO 2015 as he takes the stage. Leffen gazes upon Mew2King as he takes his seat, but to his horror he makes a discovery upon staring into the smash zealot's eyes. This robot has no soul.
The beast's shocked facade quickly turns to a snide grin, as he dismisses Mew2King as a worthy opponent considering his recent results and reputation. Leffen rationalizes that he would rather have a little fun than completely destroy another helpless victim anyway. As the match begins on Dreamland, the king of the Mews visibly struggles to get his footing, his few frantic attempts at edgeguarding the crafty Fox with his Sheik doing little to postpone the quick 3-stock. The master of diversity nervously rocks back and forth as he stares at the character select screen for a few moments before switching characters to the warrior prince Marth. Mew2King's performance on Final Destination is nothing less than inspirational, the crowd's emphatic chants of "AYY" and "MEW-TWO-KING" punctuating the scene of the stylish swordsman swiftly sending Satan’s Starfox to the blastzone by effortlessly tossing the space dog across the stage before sending him reeling into the never with a brutal dair dumpster. The visibly enraged Leffen is now unable to deal with this calculated machine as the smash prodigy’s Marth is like a shark under the platforms of Battlefield, ready at every opportunity to send the leader of Star Fox to his death. Jason is pleased with the 3-stock.
Riding the wave of hype created by the crowd into game 4, Mew2King challenges the demon's Fox with his own. The dulcet tones of "HYAAH" and "TAINT" from the space animals as well as the pew-pew's of their lasers and shines pepper the chaotic dog fight as the crowd experiences in awe the highest level melee any mortal has ever been capable of. As "MEESHUN COMPLEE" reverberates through the casino, Jason takes a few seconds to fully appreciate his performance which has defeated the minion of hell before him. Leffen throws his controller to the ground. It shatters into a pack of snakes which then slither away. However, he turns to Mew2King and realizes that the duodecuple shine which broke his shield and secured the robot the stock has caused Jason's hands to finally disintegrate. Knowing that Mango is unable to challenge him in Loser's Finals due to having been sent to jail for drunkenly stealing the cupcakes from Zero's celebration party, Leffen realizes that regardless he is assured the EVO trophy.
However, the malevolent fiend is unaware that Hungrybox has managed to escape Nintendo headquarters, having found Reggie's secret horde of Pizza Hut pizzas and used them to grease up his wrists, allowing him to free himself from the shackles which bound him to the CEO's desk. His bail having been posted by the Jigglypuff main's vast engineering wealth, Mango enters the venue with Hungrybox on a chariot pulled by a flock of bald eagles. “Lmao nice shirt” he says as he takes his seat next to Leffen as Loser’s Finals begins. Mango’s intense training becomes apparent as his Fox cleanly 8-stocks Leffen’s over the course of two games spanning Stadium and Mangoland.
Unfortunately for The Kid, as his buzz begins to wear off, he begins to find himself pushed to the limit by the salty Swede. Drawing closer to full sobriety, The Goat finds himself 2-2 and on the receiving end of a 3-stock. He begins to sweat as Hungrybox approaches him. The two share a knowing nod before their beards intertwine, each god grasping one end of the Gamecube controller as the character select cursor moves to princess Jigglypuff. Four quick rests later and Leffen bursts into flames as he returns to the depths of hell.
The newly formed Jigglypuff hivemind turn their gaze to Mew2King as he dejectedly displays the smoking stumps which used to be the hands that took him to the top of the Melee metagame. Suddenly, the doors to the room burst open as Armada floats onto the stage, clad in the flayed hide of the Swedish polar bear Leffen had trained to destroy him. “You Americans don’t have anything on Swedish health care,” he says as he sheds a single tear into Mew2King’s wrist which causes him to rapidly regenerate a new pair of hands. The two execute a frame-perfect glasses adjustment, their minds melding to become one as they sit down to meet their challenger in Grand Finals. Armew2kingda and Mangobox proceed to exchange games until they arrive at game 5. However, just as the last stock is drawing to a close, Leffen executes his last act of defiance in the mortal realm, unleashing his familiar, MacD, to unplug the cable, ending the game before the last stock is taken.
The crowd falls silent as a beam of light pierces the roof of the venue. An angelic chorus resonates throughout the Bally’s Paris Las Vegas Hotel as the ghost of Satoru Iwata descends from above clutching a small box in his hands. “We would like you to play,” he says, extending a copy of Melee HD. The Smash gods are so enamored by Captain Falcon's high resolution, immaculately textured ass and the auditory eargasm that is the Melee HD Shine that they fail to notice the unassuming challenger approaching them. At this moment, PPMD has arrived at the event, exiting his horse-drawn carriage and dressed in his traditional Amish garb. “Sorry I’m late, y’all,” he says before plugging his butter churn into the gamecube and proceeding to 3-0 both of the fused supergods. As he unceremoniously takes his EVO trophy and returns to the mountains, the four gods share a collective sigh. As the crowd dissipates, the four play out one last game together: a four-player, two-minute FFA on Pokefloats. Items set to High. Their laughter echoes through the empty hotel lobby.
