I got dumped on Saturday, right before I was supposed go play Magic with my friends, and it was via text message. She said she just didn't see much of a future, and that I was a great person and would make someone really happy and showed her so much love and kindness, but it wasn't working. She said she knows she wants to marry someone like me, but not me. I was furious. I cussed her out, I told her that was such bullshit, I was not cool, at all. Emotions were running high and I just...I lashed out. I regretted it the next day. It was not pretty, and I hurt her just as much as she hurt me. I didn't realize it at the time but I did. It was an awful thing to do, because after I read it back it was obvious she was just trying to be honest and explain things the best way she could. But I shut her down.
So the next day, I sent her a text to apologize in regards to my behavior. I wasn't looking to get back together or anything but...I dunno, I just wanted to make things right. She forgave me and I told her I would still send her the sweatshirt I had bought her, to which she said she felt bad about my buying. But i had already bought it weeks ago so I just told her to look at it like a peace offering or something. She agreed, we stopped talking.
I didn't hear from her at all on Monday. I didn't text her; I was flying and felt like crying the entire time. Broke down in the Atlanta airport a bit while eating lo mein, got on my flight to Providence, and forced myself to sleep because I hadn't slept well at all since. Got home and I was just a bitch to my mom, but it was deserved so I didn't really care.
As usual, mom made it about her. "We tried to make you like yourself!! You have to be confident!! What did we do wrong?? You always choose the hard path!! (This was in regards to me liking girls which sparked a WHOLE other argument but I digress). Being home has made me realize how much I don't want to live here. I love my family, but they hurt me. I came home for a vacation and instead all I'm getting is criticism. Other than that it's a nice way to relax. Meeting up with my old roommate, who ironically just broke up with her boyfriend because he cheated. Again.
Tuesday afternoon I get a text from her. It's just her saying hi. We talk for a bit, agree to try the friend thing, but after she went to bed I just felt really confused. Obviously I still have feelings for her, and I don't have an expectation on her end for us to get back together because I don't think that's happening at all and I've accepted that, but I just feel like there's something she's not telling me.
We talked a bit yesterday too. She accidentally called me babe and apologized, but part of me thinks it was kind of intentional. She mentioned something about a problem with her friends and how she always has a hard time moving on, to which I now think was about me but didn't realize at the time. The rest of the conversation was just about how classes were and how she's excited to go party on Saturday. Nothing really special.
I don't feel like I'm being led on. She dumped me, not the other way around, and I'm not gonna wait for her to figure her shit out, cause obviously she needs to. I'll help how I can, and I can be friends, but I just don't know what she's doing now. Is she in as much pain as I am? Does she miss me? I don't know. I won't ask cause I don't think I want the answers.
I don't want to date anytime soon though. Some dude at work is thirsting hard and it's kinda pissing me off.
