Sorry man, didn't see your post. What's up?
I mentioned before that a friend of mine got an internship at Porsche here in Shanghai. I'm genuinely happy for her, but it also made me think seriously how little progress I have made in my 'career' and how I have changed in a bad way. Previously I would have applied for internships, I would suck in knowledge, build up networks. Something that I think to be able to identify as my depression, or at least it greatly contributes to it, is severely limiting my cognitive capabilities while also constraining one of my main traits: my ambitiousness. Nowadays I can't even be bothered to study Chinese properly, I simply don't care anymore. It's like I forgot why I started to study Mandarin and economics. I don't give a fuck neither about this country nor about the people who live here anymore, I honestly don't see a future where I would return to China to pursue business opportunities that rely on this autocratic state.
I'm hugely disappointed with myself, I fucking hate this condition that is shrouding my mind filling me with anger and fear alike. Ever since I thought I could kick things off by myself but I failed, I failed miserably.
I think I need some time for myself, to take a deep breath and reassess the situation I got into. Perhaps a refocusing would also be productive though I don't want to quit my studies being only one year away from my bachelor degree. I guess I will dedicate myself to learning Japanese afterwards since my emotional bond to Japan is tighter than to China that can fuck right off for much I care.