I tried to kill myself a couple months back and when they let me have my phone back I forgot the password to my GAF account (remembered my one for B-tots so there's that). Not that it would've mattered much once I remembered it.
I really don't like GAF. I don't like, possibly actively dislike, 90% of the people on here. I think the discussions here are often poisoned and terrible and any community I've tried to become a part of has only ever made me feel worse and alone like I didn't belong or couldn't talk about the things I enjoy. It's why I stuck around the manga section for so long even if my posts in other sections trailed off because it was the only community I think didn't poison itself with terrible people and awful exclusionary habits. Because I always felt like shit and resented so many people on here my anger came out and the quality of my posts went from attempting to discuss things I enjoy to a deaf audience to just lashing out and wanting to make other people feel like shit, like I did. I'd just post driveby shit or make my posts as acerbic as possible.
I realized during the course of getting out of the mental health ward and therapy that this site was legitimately hurting my ability to care for myself by continuously putting me into a bad place mentally because of how much anxiety, anger or stress resulted from the toxicity of simply reading threads, not even participating. I found when I stopped visiting GAF my emotional state was able to actually build up better and I wasn't constantly being dragged down into a worse place. Hell, I noticed it affected my breathing, I was breathing easier. Obviously it's a combination of things; it's not like GAF is responsible for my depression. But small things can snowball and drag you down to a level for other shit to get to you and GAF was one of the biggest factors in making me unable to focus on anything positive.
So I don't think I want to post here anymore. I don't think I want to even visit here eventually. I really don't like this community. I think it's the epitome of the social loneliness that I've always felt and my attempts at trying to be accepted by it or engage with it have exacerbated my issues. You go to a website like this because of it's niche focus to find like-minded people and a community you can talk to and be a part of and you don't find it. You can't even engage with it from a distance without posting and just read threads because it's so awful that it's like a physical feeling in the pit of your stomach. And what's sad is it's people I share the same interests in or 90% of the same political views or have experienced the same things as, I want nothing to do with because I find their existence so toxic and harmful to discussion or enjoyment as a whole.
What I'm trying to say is read Murcielago.
