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Dating Age |OT$6| Just ask her out already

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S

Salamando

Member
kopitarrulez_11 said:
Profile still says friends
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Are you using an app or the Facebook website? Whichever one you aren't using, try that.

How'd you meet this girl, anyway? General advice for what to do when a message isn't replied is "move on". Technical glitches make for convenient scapegoats vs outright rejection.
 
V

vern

Member
Cow Mengde said:
Ummm... hmmm... that was very unexpected.

There's this girl here I've been seeing for months. Met her through another guy. Never thought about dating her, because I knew she wouldn't be into me. We only hung out as friends. Well, turns out my recent frustration with girls was due to me not realizing I have feelings for her. When I finally realize what was bothering me, I ended up beating myself up, because I know she wouldn't be into me.

Yeah, I was wrong. Go figure. We both ended up having feelings for each other. She thought I wouldn't be into her either.

So, funny how that works.

That said, our timing is a little shitty because she's also trying to get over her crush on this guy (he's from another country). I told her very honestly that don't go out with me just to use me as a crutch so you can hope that maybe someday this guy will come back for you, and then turn around and dump me. She agrees, and she does need to clear her head on this matter since she's trying to decide on 2 guys in her life. Plus, I know she has a lot on her mind due to stress from work. Fainted and ended up in the hospital. I'm not going to pressure her for an answer. I'll also look around at some other girls to see what they have to offer, but the fact that she says she's into me was the biggest shock for me.

Yeah, I've heard of friends ending up being a couple before. I just didn't think she would be into me at all. Me not realizing I had feelings for this girl was what's bothering me lately. I ended up feeling uncomfortable every time I thought about her. Now all of this is out, and while the outcome isn't perfect, it feels so good to finally know the truth.
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Laowai or local?

Also try not to catch feelings on a girl that you haven't dated yet if you can help it. I'd avoid the love triangle thing too considering all the options for women here in china, but you do you. Good luck.
 
Go_Ly_Dow

Go_Ly_Dow

Member
M_Night said:
Hello, looking for some more perspective on a situation with a girl.

I'm living in Japan and have a very close relationship with a fellow English teacher (we don't work at the same school). We are both new teachers and moved here in August, our apartments are about a 2-3 min walk apart so naturally we formed a bond. We hang out together several times a week, but recently, this has ramped up quite a bit and our relationship has also gotten more physical.

We usually go round each others places, cook together, watch dramas, talk and now have tickle fights and general physical playfighting. She's also cool with me giving her head/neck massages and we cuddle up a bit sometimes whilst we watch something. She also asks me to tuck her in to bed as her father does it for her, I find this bit quite weird, but we usually have a good laugh about it.

Now I'm ridiculously bad at reading romantic signs or plucking up the courage to make the move. My friends tell me that the recent physical advancement in our relationship means she's clearly in to me, but I'm in denial about it since I've never had luck with women.

I am into her, she's attractive, funny, interesting, smart and caring. Not infatuated (like lose sleep thinking about her), but I do like her a lot.

I just don't want to ruin what we have since we don't have family or many close friends out here. We support each other a bit. But I also don't want to regret not finding out if we could be more.

Any advice would be appreciated.
Click to expand...


Update: we've now been together for a week :)
 
C

Cow Mengde

Banned
vern said:
Laowai or local?

Also try not to catch feelings on a girl that you haven't dated yet if you can help it. I'd avoid the love triangle thing too considering all the options for women here in china, but you do you. Good luck.
Click to expand...

Yeah, too late on the no feelings bit. It's out and we both know how we feel about each other. I just feel relived to know what was bugging me. As for dating, we've practically been dating for the last few months. Only thing missing was intimacy.

I know what you mean though. I will give her time, but I am also not sitting still and wait for my perfect ending. I know there's a risk she will choose the other guy over me. I will look at other options and see where things go. I can tell she does like him better than me, but she also admits she's had a thing for me for awhile now. It just feels good to have a burden lifted.
 
V

vern

Member
Cow Mengde said:
Yeah, too late on the no feelings bit. It's out and we both know how we feel about each other. I just feel relived to know what was bugging me. As for dating, we've practically been dating for the last few months. Only thing missing was intimacy.

I know what you mean though. I will give her time, but I am also not sitting still and wait for my perfect ending. I know there's a risk she will choose the other guy over me. I will look at other options and see where things go. I can tell she does like him better than me, but she also admits she's had a thing for me for awhile now. It just feels good to have a burden lifted.
Click to expand...

Next time take her home. 😏 Show her a great time and she'll forget all about him.

She's a Chinese national I'm assuming?
 
C

Cow Mengde

Banned
vern said:
Next time take her home. 😏 Show her a great time and she'll forget all about him.

She's a Chinese national I'm assuming?
Click to expand...

That's rape-y bro. Like I said, I wasn't into her at first, and never thought she would be into me either. That said, yeah, I know how to rock her world if it gets to that point.

Yeah, she's local.
 
V

vern

Member
Cow Mengde said:
That's rape-y bro. Like I said, I wasn't into her at first, and never thought she would be into me either. That said, yeah, I know how to rock her world if it gets to that point.

Yeah, she's local.
Click to expand...

Rapey to take your date home for good sex? 🤔
 
V

vern

Member
Cow Mengde said:
Like I said, it's wasn't exactly a date, and I wasn't into her, nor thought she would be into me.
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That's why I said next time. Now that your liking of each other is mutually confirmed. This is all so weird dude. You know that people consent to becoming physically intimate right?
 
C

Cow Mengde

Banned
vern said:
That's why I said next time. Now that your liking of each other is mutually confirmed. This is all so weird dude. You know that people consent to becoming physically intimate right?
Click to expand...

Yeah, I missed the next time part. Still, let say if she hasn't gotten over that guy, then what's the point? I'm happy that she's also into me, but I'm prepared for the worst. Been actively meeting other girls, so that's not an issue.
 
V

vern

Member
Cow Mengde said:
Yeah, I missed the next time part. Still, let say if she hasn't gotten over that guy, then what's the point? I'm happy that she's also into me, but I'm prepared for the worst. Been actively meeting other girls, so that's not an issue.
Click to expand...

The point would be to loosen up a little bit, have fun, live life. If you date a month or two and have some good times and then she goes to the other guy (or you break up for any reason at all) then be grateful for the experiences you shared
and the consensual intercourse
.

This applies to all relationships.
 
C

Cow Mengde

Banned
vern said:
The point would be to loosen up a little bit, have fun, live life. If you date a month or two and have some good times and then she goes to the other guy (or you break up for any reason at all) then be grateful for the experiences you shared
and the consensual intercourse
.

This applies to all relationships.
Click to expand...

Fair enough. I just don't feel right to mess with someone if they weren't willing. One of the reasons she liked me in the first place was that I didn't try to get into her pants immediately. Yet we have exchanged perverted jokes back and forth. If things go my way, we'll be banging every night.

Also, she is under a lot of stress lately.

Check your wechat.
 
Go_Ly_Dow

Go_Ly_Dow

Member
Scotch said:
Nice! C'mon man, tell us more. What happened? :)
Click to expand...

Just an extension of the above really. :)

Went over her place to chill out and watch a show. We cuddled a bit whilst watching it, then she lit some incense and the smell just drove us both a bit crazy and we cuddled very tightly. After the show finished we just lay there and spoke about what happened, then she cuddled me and started kissing me all over. Over the following days it quickly transitioned in to intamacy and then foreplay.Then last night we kissed on the lips, she stayed the night and today we said the magical 3 words to each other. We can't keep our hands off each other. Never been happier in my life. I love her so much and feel so lucky!
 
S

Solo

Member
Dude. You don't love her. You've been dating a whole week. Slow your roll. You don't even know her, you haven't had a fight, you haven't seen her at her worst, etc. You haven't put the time in. I hope you aren't relaying these emotions to her, because she will run for the hills if you do. And if she doesn't....maybe you're the one who should be running.

You're infatuated with her, which is a great feeling (who doesn't love the honeymoon period of a new relationship?), but it isn't love. Love takes time.
 
V

vern

Member
M_Night said:
Just an extension of the above really. :)

Went over her place to chill out and watch a show. We cuddled a bit whilst watching it, then she lit some incense and the smell just drove us both a bit crazy and we cuddled very tightly. After the show finished we just lay there and spoke about what happened, then she cuddled me and started kissing me all over. Over the following days it quickly transitioned in to intamacy and then foreplay.Then last night we kissed on the lips, she stayed the night and today we said the magical 3 words to each other. We can't keep our hands off each other. Never been happier in my life. I love her so much and feel so lucky!
Click to expand...

I misread that and thought she kissed you all over your body and had your foreplay before you kissed on the lips... lol.

Also that incense sounds crazy. 😂

Congrats though... nuts to drop the love word so quick imo, but if it feels right then it feels right.
Looking forward to the inevitable heartbreak thread
 
Y

YesManKablaam

Neo Member
Reznor said:
With the exception of you no longer saying "I love you," your story freakishly mirrors mine. It's been nearly three years since our relationship ended, and I've gained a ton of insight that I hope can help you expedite your healing faster than mine.

For the longest time, my attempts at moving on felt completely in vain. I was pretty successful with online dating, and had the pleasure of meeting some incredible women, but I couldn't get past the misguided guilt. So much so, that it almost felt as though my ex was sitting right there with me and my dates. What's more, I spent much of my thought-life comparing and contrasting everyone with my ex, and even daydreamed of reconciliations. It was brutal.

As time went on, I eventually came to form two very helpful perspectives after growing so sad and frustrated about what I lost.

The first of which was when I started re-purposing the way I viewed that chapter of my life. I couldn't exactly pull an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and erase every memory and every moment from my brain, but what I could do is look back on that relationship with a sense of gratitude. Although it didn't work out for us, I still learned a great deal of helpful things about myself, women, love, and growth. Those lessons vary depending on the person, of course; but in doing so, that chapter of my life felt less haunting and more valuable to me as a living, learning human being. And eventually, that kept me from repressing or running from my pain.

The second, and arguably most valuable perspective I gained was realizing that I had essentially created a fictitious version of my ex in my head. That version of her was the one that existed back when everything was amazing with us, while the real version of her was the one that checked out and never wanted back in again.

Realizing that helped me see that the person I couldn't get over, the person I missed... well, she didn't exist. She wasn't real. Better yet, I also realized that I actually didn't miss the real version of her at all -- the one that grew cold and abandoned me. I know that the real version of my ex is still a good person at heart, so that wasn't me trying to vilify her like so many other people force themselves to do to get over someone. Far from it. I was simply coming to terms with the fact that the woman I knew and loved was gone.

Thus, I had to essentially break up with the fictitious "perfect" version of my ex. I couldn't love, much less miss someone that wasn't real. And I damn sure couldn't let her undermine my future by taking residence in my heart when I really needed to clear that space for someone better down the line.

To some people, that will all sound like a bunch of crazy talk, and I get that. But I think there's a lot of people out there that will know exactly where I'm coming from.

Point being, you'll never reach a point in life where you'll never think about her. But, don't let that frustrate or discourage you. You see, it's not about how often you think about your ex that counts. It's what you think of when you do think of her that matters most. So, with those two perspectives in mind, I'm able to think about her as an important era of my life that taught me a lot, but belongs in the past because she isn't what I long for anymore. She used to be, but not anymore. Now, I'm able to move on and enjoy my dating life without that obstruction blocking my happiness.

Hope this helps.
Click to expand...

It really does help. Thank you.

I am in a sense aware of that, and I'm not glorifying the relationship for something that it wasn't, and I am especially aware of how she treated me near the end. I can confidently state that when we went long-distance that I was the one making more effort, while she gradually pulled away but couldn't say to my face that she didn't want me anymore. I do think that was cruel and really set me back with my ability to reconcile it emotionally. She isn't a bad person, but it was a really shitty way to dump someone who obviously still felt strongly about her and wasn't hiding that fact.

I am moving forward in a sense as well. My plan was to move back with her to her home country after she graduated, and now that that plan is no longer viable I am still making steps towards something similar. I'm doing a bunch of summer camp work so I'll be moving to Italy in June, then Romania in July, and hopefully a few other places before and after that. I'm not beholden to her so there is a refreshing amount of flexibility with where I can go and when I can do that, and I realise that near the end of the relationship a lot of things were being done on her terms, and that I was effectively catering my life around her whims. A personal bugbear (that I was vocal about) when it went long-distance was that every talk about meeting up involved me going out to her, not once would she suggest coming to see me, and that did frustrate me as I had been out to her home country before while she had never managed to come to mine (and that had been mentioned several times but always got shitcanned because some other decision of hers took priority).

I guess it's just that difficult midground I'm in right now. I absolutely still love her, as all of those frustrations feel incnsequential to the good that I felt, but she was getting increasingly determined to end it and ultimately didn't care about me or how I felt, given the manner with which she did dump me and subsequently ignoring my existence.
 
S

Scotch

Member
Solo said:
Dude. You don't love her. You've been dating a whole week. Slow your roll. You don't even know her, you haven't had a fight, you haven't seen her at her worst, etc. You haven't put the time in. I hope you aren't relaying these emotions to her, because she will run for the hills if you do. And if she doesn't....maybe you're the one who should be running.

You're infatuated with her, which is a great feeling (who doesn't love the honeymoon period of a new relationship?), but it isn't love. Love takes time.
Click to expand...
You haven't read the backstory. They've been close friends with eachother for months.

Anyway, enjoy it, M_Night. I must say I thought you were trapped in the friendzone there, so good for you.
 
Go_Ly_Dow

Go_Ly_Dow

Member
Solo said:
Dude. You don't love her. You've been dating a whole week. Slow your roll. You don't even know her, you haven't had a fight, you haven't seen her at her worst, etc. You haven't put the time in. I hope you aren't relaying these emotions to her, because she will run for the hills if you do. And if she doesn't....maybe you're the one who should be running.

You're infatuated with her, which is a great feeling (who doesn't love the honeymoon period of a new relationship?), but it isn't love. Love takes time.
Click to expand...

Eh, we've been close friends with each other for 6months prior to this, and I mean really close. Are apartments are a one min walk apart, we don't have any family out here, we cooked together, went for hikes together, trips together most weeks up until this moment. She supported me through the passing of my close family members very recently too. It was a bit hasty perhaps, but we were having a deep conversation prior to it, looking deply in to each other's eyes. She reciprocated too and said the words felt right.

I do agree that's it's best we continue with our normal lives. For now we've agreed to only stay overnight at each other's places on weekends. I haven't got any signals yet that it's going too fast, but I will slow it down a tad.
 
S

Solo

Member
Somehow I missed the 6 month back story. My apologies. I still think you're jumping the gun and mistaking infatuation for love, but what the hell do I know. Congrats and best of luck, man.
 
A

Astral

Member
I ended it with the movie girl. I'll kinda miss her, but I'm also relieved that I won't have to deal with her immaturity anymore. And being on the phone everyday. That shit is nice every once in a while but not every fucking day. I don't know why I attract these girls.
 
artsi

artsi

Member
I accidentally stumbled across photos from the beginning of my last relationship (4 years ago), with my ex looking so happy and I remember how easy it was and how fun we had.

Normally it wouldn't affect me, they were good memories and I don't want to forget them, but now it just made me sad because my new relationship is a bit rocky.
More on that maybe later if I can gather energy to write about it.
 
N

No_Style

Member
Just got back from a nice second date. I really enjoy being with her and we seem to have great chemistry going. We went to one of her favorite Chinese buffets, I surprised her with a little red envelope which she accepted after I explained to her that it was okay to accept despite me not being married but still her elder. (Silly Chinese traditions lol).

My only gripes from today? I have this cold that I've been fighting and I know I was sniffling a lot which I'm sure wasn't attractive at all. The second? My plans on getting together at her place to watch some Sherlock fell through because she had stuff to take care of around her house (Self admitted neat freak which I appreciate). On the plus side, we're gonna watch the SuperBowl together next Sunday and I'm going to explain how football works.

We keep stumbling into cute coincidences. The latest? We ended up parking right next to each other in this huge parking lot despite getting there at different times. I know I should continue looking and dating other people until we're steady but with how much we're in communication and plans (detailed or far flung) being pitched by the two of us, I feel we're all but official.

The weirdest thing happened to me after the date though. I felt shellshocked and my mind blanked as I drove home. It was like I was still processing everything, playing back conversations and wondering if I answered stuff correctly but in the slowest manner possible. It's happened before when I started dating my ex and I just don't know why it occurs when I'm with some girls.

Anyways, sorry for the disjointed post. I just felt the need to lay it all out somewhere.
 
R

Red Comet

Member
Ugh, so I went on tinder 6 months ago. And I ended up falling in love with the first cute girl to message me and show some interest. She was the only person I ended up meeting, but we fell in love hard and that was the start of a drug, sex, and alcohol fueled roller coaster that came to an abrupt mutual end 2 weeks ago. I really fucking loved this girl, and still do, but I've known that we were never right for each other, and my friends have been encouraging me to break it off for months. There are some serious mental health issues here as well that I'm not certain that I am suited to deal with.

We decided to go on a break two weeks ago because things have been going very south for her mental state and she felt that she was no longer healthy for a relationship. I didn't know how to process all of it, and went back on tinder as an instinctual reaction. And that as a mistake. I ended up talking to somebody who I had matched with before and she's a charming conversationalist, so we hit it off again. Not only that, but unbeknownst to both of us, we moved to the same city and same street during the time I was dating this girl. This is a problem because she's coming over to my apartment in an hour, but my now ex and I had the talk this morning confirming that we're never getting back together and I've been a wreck today. I really wish I had waited to move on before going back on tinder, but I'm really happy to have reconnected with this other girl at the same time and don't want to fuck this up. Ugh, I'm so nervous.
 
K

Kurtofan

Member
I asked someone out and I think I came out too fast, I had just met her an hour ago. I asked her if she wanted to do anything and if we could stay in contact, she said we'll see each other in class (once a week) and maybe we'll do something.
 
K

Kyne

Member
Kurtofan said:
I asked someone out and I think I came out too fast, I had just met her an hour ago. I asked her if she wanted to do anything and if we could stay in contact, she said we'll see each other in class (once a week) and maybe we'll do something.
Click to expand...

you asked them out to go like.. steady? Or you asked them out on a date? If it was the latter then the whole point of a date is to get to know someone better and see if you want to "go out" with them. It's fine.

Either way she doesn't sound interested. On to the next one.

ginger ninja said:
So Gaf, for someone who has never had sex before, how the fuck do I know which condom works for me or what size do I need.
Click to expand...

you buy different condoms and see which ones feels/fits best. Get a variety pack and start playing dress up. Also note that this might change once you actually start having sex. The girl might not like/be compatible with the ones you've chosen.
 
L

LucidMomentum

Member
ginger ninja said:
So Gaf, for someone who has never had sex before, how the fuck do I know which condom works for me or what size do I need.
Click to expand...

Find a good fit, one that is tight enough to stay on during vigorous activity but not one that is tight enough to constrict blood flow.

There are websites that sell specialty condoms as well that may fit better than the usual ones you can find in stores.

Some people are allergic to latex so keep that in mind. Might be a good idea to keep an alternative condom type on hand for those situations.

Partners have told me to not really worry about lubed or textured ones. But I always have a bottle of lube available so keep that in mind.

Try a couple brands and sizes to see what works for you. My personal preference is Durex but I need to look into the more specialty ones that you can find online.
 
A

Ashby

Member
If all of a girls pics are just of her face there's a good chance she's "big" right? I'm talking to a cute girl on OkCupid but I'm worried im gonna end up not attracted to her when we meet
 
N

No_Style

Member
Ashby said:
If all of a girls pics are just of her face there's a good chance she's "big" right? I'm talking to a cute girl on OkCupid but I'm worried im gonna end up not attracted to her when we meet
Click to expand...

It's a legit concern and I wish more girls would be more honest about it and not pull the iceberg move. Go for the meet up regardless but keep expectations way low.
 
L

LucidMomentum

Member
artsi said:
I accidentally stumbled across photos from the beginning of my last relationship (4 years ago), with my ex looking so happy and I remember how easy it was and how fun we had.

Normally it wouldn't affect me, they were good memories and I don't want to forget them, but now it just made me sad because my new relationship is a bit rocky.
More on that maybe later if I can gather energy to write about it.
Click to expand...

Your previous posts all seemed rather positive. Remember, there is a honeymoon period in all relationships. That's why your ex looked so happy at first.

Don't expect it to stay like that forever, but also try to do things / communicate so you keep things fresh and spark the relationship up every so often.
 
X

Xun

Member
I still can’t get my mind off of that girl I dated late last year (who subsequently gave me the mono I’m currently dealing with).

I’ve never fallen for a girl like I did with her before, so it honestly hurts more than I thought it would. I’m not really looking for anything too serious at the moment, but for whatever reason things just felt right with her and I fell for her.

I’m finding it hard not to blame myself for how things went nearer the end either, although I know that’s not at all healthy. Of course having 2 weeks off of work being ill hasn’t helped mentally speaking, but even now whilst I’m back at work my mind can’t help but latch onto it all.

In any case I really hope I can get dating again soon because being in limbo fucking sucks.
 
artsi

artsi

Member
LucidMomentum said:
Your previous posts all seemed rather positive. Remember, there is a honeymoon period in all relationships. That's why your ex looked so happy at first.

Don't expect it to stay like that forever, but also try to do things / communicate so you keep things fresh and spark the relationship up every so often.
Click to expand...

Yeah that relationship lasted over 3 years, of course things got stale after some time but generally it was a good relationship. Nothing compared to what the current girl has dragged me into.

Everything was great and we had fun, she was super excited about everything, wanted a relationship, and I also got very much invested. We've been both crazy about each other.

Last week suddenly she's like "I'm afraid I don't have feelings like that anymore... I don't know why".
She doesn't want to break up but is having anxiety doing any kind of intimate stuff and... that causes me anxiety because I still very much care about her.

She has history of depression, and I don't know if we met during some kind of manic phase because I feel she turned into a whole different person over night.

She still wants to try work this out and thinks I'm "the perfect man" but deep inside I know there's no graceful recovery from this situation, if the feelings are gone they're gone. I'm just broken right now.
 
L

LucidMomentum

Member
artsi said:
Last week suddenly she's like "I'm afraid I don't have feelings like that anymore... I don't know why".
She doesn't want to break up but is having anxiety doing any kind of intimate stuff and... that causes me anxiety because I still very much care about her.

She has history of depression, and I don't know if we met during some kind of manic phase because I feel she turned into a whole different person over night.

She still wants to try work this out and thinks I'm "the perfect man" but deep inside I know there's no graceful recovery from this situation, if the feelings are gone they're gone. I'm just broken right now.
Click to expand...

Ah yeah, I dated a girl like that. It seems like the honeymoon phase has ended for her and that may have taken a toll on her depression as well, adding to those conflicting feelings she has.

All you can do is be there for those moments and keep being communicative. It can be tough though. If you like her, it can be worth it investing in the relationship even during the downturns to see if there's anything on the other side.
 
K

Kumquat

Member
Welp. I'm back on the market.

Turns out girl I have been dating since spring does a little part time work as an escort of which I knew nothing about until a client called her phone while I was laying in bed with her and I got the wonderful honor of hearing some dude ask her what her rate was. FML.
 
B

Bread

Banned
M_Night said:
Just an extension of the above really. :)

Went over her place to chill out and watch a show. We cuddled a bit whilst watching it, then she lit some incense and the smell just drove us both a bit crazy and we cuddled very tightly. After the show finished we just lay there and spoke about what happened, then she cuddled me and started kissing me all over. Over the following days it quickly transitioned in to intamacy and then foreplay.Then last night we kissed on the lips, she stayed the night and today we said the magical 3 words to each other. We can't keep our hands off each other. Never been happier in my life. I love her so much and feel so lucky!
Click to expand...
wait this is so strange to me
one night she's kissing you all over, the following nights there is intimacy and THEN foreplay, and then finally the last night you kissed on the lips? this timeline is so strange to me. why didn't you kiss her on the first night. i'd love to know what intimacy and foreplay is if it happened before you two kissed.
 
D

dreamcastmaster

Banned
Kumquat said:
Welp. I'm back on the market.

Turns out girl I have been dating since spring does a little part time work as an escort of which I knew nothing about until a client called her phone while I was laying in bed with her and I got the wonderful honor of hearing some dude ask her what her rate was. FML.
Click to expand...

Get yourself tested.
 
B

Bread

Banned
Kumquat said:
Welp. I'm back on the market.

Turns out girl I have been dating since spring does a little part time work as an escort of which I knew nothing about until a client called her phone while I was laying in bed with her and I got the wonderful honor of hearing some dude ask her what her rate was. FML.
Click to expand...
she hid that from you for nearly a year?
 
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