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Dating Age |OT$6| Just ask her out already
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David Incorporated Esq.
Member
I'm in a pickle, and it's unlike me to open up and ask about this sort of thing online but I'm struggling.
I (32) have been with my girlfriend (28) for just over six months, three of which we've spent living together. Talking about the idea of marriage yesterday she said that she was "sure" about me (i.e., that even if not ready for marriage know I'd be the one she wants to marry), whereas I said I was in love with her and everything I've seen so far, but am still learning about her and so still am not sure about marriage.
Her reaction to me saying I'm not ready and "unsure" about marriage is to think that I'm unsure about her, and to tell me that if I'm not sure now I probably never will be. She's saying she wants to move out and stop seeing me. I don't understand it, to state that there's no more to learn or decide on after six months?
Truly I don't know if I'm worried about getting married or about marrying her. I love her very much and really don't have any serious doubts about the way we get along or the way we resolve conflicts (I could easily see us lasting forever as a couple), but it's only been six months so I feel like there's so much left to learn. Plus, I was married and divorced young 23-27, so I'm very, very wary of making another mistake, even if there's nothing about this relationship to make me think I'd be making a mistake with her.
We're going to talk again tonight and I don't know what to say that I haven't already. I really treasure this girl and can't bear the idea of not waking up her with by my side, but I don't know how to respond to this strange ultimatum. It also doesn't feel like she trusts me now that she's got the idea of me being unsure about her in my head, as if anything I say now will just be a coverup to hold on to her for a little while longer for my own comfort (which hurts a lot, and I told her so).
For her to react like this is really throwing me into a tailspin because it's so unlike her. Even when we've really disagreed we've been able to resolve things with talk, but now every time I speak it seems like she digs a whole of distrust even further.
Help.
I (32) have been with my girlfriend (28) for just over six months, three of which we've spent living together. Talking about the idea of marriage yesterday she said that she was "sure" about me (i.e., that even if not ready for marriage know I'd be the one she wants to marry), whereas I said I was in love with her and everything I've seen so far, but am still learning about her and so still am not sure about marriage.
Her reaction to me saying I'm not ready and "unsure" about marriage is to think that I'm unsure about her, and to tell me that if I'm not sure now I probably never will be. She's saying she wants to move out and stop seeing me. I don't understand it, to state that there's no more to learn or decide on after six months?
Truly I don't know if I'm worried about getting married or about marrying her. I love her very much and really don't have any serious doubts about the way we get along or the way we resolve conflicts (I could easily see us lasting forever as a couple), but it's only been six months so I feel like there's so much left to learn. Plus, I was married and divorced young 23-27, so I'm very, very wary of making another mistake, even if there's nothing about this relationship to make me think I'd be making a mistake with her.
We're going to talk again tonight and I don't know what to say that I haven't already. I really treasure this girl and can't bear the idea of not waking up her with by my side, but I don't know how to respond to this strange ultimatum. It also doesn't feel like she trusts me now that she's got the idea of me being unsure about her in my head, as if anything I say now will just be a coverup to hold on to her for a little while longer for my own comfort (which hurts a lot, and I told her so).
For her to react like this is really throwing me into a tailspin because it's so unlike her. Even when we've really disagreed we've been able to resolve things with talk, but now every time I speak it seems like she digs a whole of distrust even further.
Help.
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
Tell her everything you just posted. This may be the first time in GAF where showing her the post itself is actually appropriate.
David Incorporated Esq.
Member
I'll try, but so far it's gone like this:
Me: X
Her: X? X is terrible!
Me: No, no, X+A because B
Her: What? Now you're changing your story and just lying to yourself!
I'm really hoping that she's relaxed some today and we'll be able to reset where we were. Our talk wasn't heated at all, she was just so resigned to the idea of leaving because to her I'm not as attached to her as she is to me.
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
You need to explain your fears, that they stem from your first marriage, that you're willing to see a therapist to discuss them, and that you can visualize being with her forever.
Signed,
Also Divorced (AD)
Dude, I've been with my GF from 2.5 years (lived together for 2), and I'm still not sure if she's "the one" (or if I even believe in such a concept). Every relationship has ups and downs, and when things are great I feel that way, and if its a rougher patch, I question it. It's human nature. Also relationships and emotions are dynamic and fluid, not static. For her to say if you don't know at 6 months, you'll never know....ehh. I don't buy it. In fact, around the 6 month period with my GF was the height of our honeymoon period and when I was thinking all gaga "she's the one", "I'm going to marry this girl no question". I can't speak for you relationship, but looking back now at ours, it's laughable to have felt that way 6 months in. We were still learning a LOT about eachother, ourselves, and how we fit together.
I think your girl is being irrational, and you're being very rational and exercising good judgment. I think you need to talk to her and makes sure she understands your position, because it's a damn good one, and not one that should trigger the end of the relationship for her. If she loves you and you're "the one" for her, then she can give you patience and time to be sure that she is the same thing for you. Also, I don't know her, but based on what you've posted, it sounds like she has some insecurity issues ( the passive aggressive "you're not as attached to me as I am to you because you don't want marriage right now!").
I think your girl is being irrational, and you're being very rational and exercising good judgment. I think you need to talk to her and makes sure she understands your position, because it's a damn good one, and not one that should trigger the end of the relationship for her. If she loves you and you're "the one" for her, then she can give you patience and time to be sure that she is the same thing for you. Also, I don't know her, but based on what you've posted, it sounds like she has some insecurity issues ( the passive aggressive "you're not as attached to me as I am to you because you don't want marriage right now!").
David Incorporated Esq.
Member
Really appreciating the input folks, thank you.
This, and she says that the imbalance is unfair, unhealthy, and a cue for her to go. I don't even know how to respond to that one aside from getting the same feeling as you about her having insecurities.
And for it being six months? Yeah. The first time I got married we got engaged at 3 months and wow what a mistake. So what I want is time to get past the honeymoon phase and really get to know each other without the evil influence of "yes this female will make an excellent mate and carrier of my seed" hormones; but holy shit do girls ever not want to hear that. I think she's struggling with that one because I'm the first guy she's had a sustained, day-to-day relationship with (she travels often for work like I do and has had mostly long-distance relationships), so probably hasn't been through that rush of hormones like I have.
Edit: If I hadn't done this before I probably would have asked her to marry me already (I can be very impulsive, she knows that). Maybe I should tell her that explicitly, but it feels gross to say for some reason, like it's simply a tease to string her along.
This, and she says that the imbalance is unfair, unhealthy, and a cue for her to go. I don't even know how to respond to that one aside from getting the same feeling as you about her having insecurities.
And for it being six months? Yeah. The first time I got married we got engaged at 3 months and wow what a mistake. So what I want is time to get past the honeymoon phase and really get to know each other without the evil influence of "yes this female will make an excellent mate and carrier of my seed" hormones; but holy shit do girls ever not want to hear that. I think she's struggling with that one because I'm the first guy she's had a sustained, day-to-day relationship with (she travels often for work like I do and has had mostly long-distance relationships), so probably hasn't been through that rush of hormones like I have.
Edit: If I hadn't done this before I probably would have asked her to marry me already (I can be very impulsive, she knows that). Maybe I should tell her that explicitly, but it feels gross to say for some reason, like it's simply a tease to string her along.
See this here is a big red flag for me and ties back into the insecurity (and maybe also immaturity?) issues. She's got it backwards - what's unhealthy isn't that she's "more attached" than you/ there is an attachment imbalance (it's a relationship, not a competition!), but rather, what's unhealthy is that she feels that said "imbalance" is unhealthy and a reason to leave. I feel like there are some issues on her end, in no way related to you or your behavior, that she needs to sort out. Otherwise, why would she rock the boat in what appears to be a serious, committed relationship?
Just tell her 6 months is too fast for an engagement. (It really is too fast for most people).
David Incorporated Esq.
Member
I think her concern stems from being so attached while getting the impression that I'm still looking, or that I'm just settling for her. Yeah it's definitely an insecurity thing now that I think about it, and I don't think there's a good way to approach that with her.
I just met her parents, too.
I should also point out that she's a Mexican citizen, and I think has some different expectations about living with someone. Like, she refuses to tell her mother we're living together because she knows how badly that will go.
I just met her parents, too.
I should also point out that she's a Mexican citizen, and I think has some different expectations about living with someone. Like, she refuses to tell her mother we're living together because she knows how badly that will go.
I feel like insecurity is the #1 hardest thing in a relationship. There's no easy fix or handwaving that can make it go away. Whether it's based on someone's cultural background, bad experiences in the past, or just their general personality, it's a tricky one. Don't get me wrong, every person on earth has things they're insecure about, but it only becomes a problem if that insecurity worms it's way into your relationship.
It's a tough one, man. I don't envy the chat you're about to have.
It's a tough one, man. I don't envy the chat you're about to have.
David Incorporated Esq.
Member
I think she agrees with that, but thinks that it's not too early to be sure your partner is the one you want to marry. I don't completely disagree, and I don't think she's not the one I want to marry, but I still want to learn more about us.
She says there's nothing more to learn, which leaves me completely baffled. No idea how to cope with that one.
dreamcastmaster
Banned
100% this. You've got to sweat a partner out to find out all the less than perfect aspects of thier character and if you can accept them. No person can act nice forever if its a cover.
Sounds like this girl is desperate to get married before 30 rather than be ready to get married.
dreamcastmaster
Banned
Thats some twisty double speak from her there.
I want to marry you. will rapidly change to so when are we getting married?
Don't fall for that trap.
Gotdatmoney
Member
I'm in a pickle, and it's unlike me to open up and ask about this sort of thing online but I'm struggling.
I (32) have been with my girlfriend (28) for just over six months, three of which we've spent living together. Talking about the idea of marriage yesterday she said that she was "sure" about me (i.e., that even if not ready for marriage know I'd be the one she wants to marry), whereas I said I was in love with her and everything I've seen so far, but am still learning about her and so still am not sure about marriage.
Her reaction to me saying I'm not ready and "unsure" about marriage is to think that I'm unsure about her, and to tell me that if I'm not sure now I probably never will be. She's saying she wants to move out and stop seeing me. I don't understand it, to state that there's no more to learn or decide on after six months?
Truly I don't know if I'm worried about getting married or about marrying her. I love her very much and really don't have any serious doubts about the way we get along or the way we resolve conflicts (I could easily see us lasting forever as a couple), but it's only been six months so I feel like there's so much left to learn. Plus, I was married and divorced young 23-27, so I'm very, very wary of making another mistake, even if there's nothing about this relationship to make me think I'd be making a mistake with her.
We're going to talk again tonight and I don't know what to say that I haven't already. I really treasure this girl and can't bear the idea of not waking up her with by my side, but I don't know how to respond to this strange ultimatum. It also doesn't feel like she trusts me now that she's got the idea of me being unsure about her in my head, as if anything I say now will just be a coverup to hold on to her for a little while longer for my own comfort (which hurts a lot, and I told her so).
For her to react like this is really throwing me into a tailspin because it's so unlike her. Even when we've really disagreed we've been able to resolve things with talk, but now every time I speak it seems like she digs a whole of distrust even further.
Help.
I read that as 6 years at first and was like bro wtf else do you have to figure out? 6 months doe? You shouldnt even be kind of talking about marriage after 6 months. What the fuck? Tell her 6 months is early as hell to be having serious marriage discussions for you.
Bruh. Bruuuuuuhhhh
stn
Member
The most likely outcome is that you just bruised her ego by being honest. She's just being insecure and framing it in a way that makes her look unappealing as opposed to just you being rational about the issue and it not having to do with her. Explain to her what your actual concerns regarding marriage are. If she resists further, well, you can deal with that if it (hopefully not) gets to that point.
dreamcastmaster
Banned
Nobody seriously uses pick up lines. You'll just come across as cheesy or sleazy.
Raptomex
Member
Yeah. I could never say these.
Edit: I somehow got the confidence and messaged a few ladies tonight. Let's see if I get a response by the end of the day tomorrow. I haven't done this in 2 years. I can't say I'm rusty cause I was never good at it.
Gonna express the desire to make it official with the girl I've been seeing. We're gonna watch the SuperBowl together but this wavering between confident and anxiety is stressing me the hell out. I am seriously over analyzing the shit out everything and just need to calm down but I cannot help it. For example, we've been texting daily but now I suddenly feel like I am bothering her? What?
TangerineCloud
Banned
Things were going so well with this one woman over text. Then she felt compelled to start sharing really heavy, dark shit out of nowhere. Sigh.
Though in a way I suppose it's good that I learned about this stuff before I got invested. Don't really think I can handle someone with open wounds like this just after coming out of a serious relationship. Even if that weren't a factor, I dunno if I'd want to.
Though in a way I suppose it's good that I learned about this stuff before I got invested. Don't really think I can handle someone with open wounds like this just after coming out of a serious relationship. Even if that weren't a factor, I dunno if I'd want to.
Both are first dates? If you like both, date both until you reach a point where you have a clear preference between them. Going on a date with someone doesn't imply that you are exclusive.
Also keeping your options open and dating multiple people prevents you from getting over-invested in one person. (Although if you're anything like me, it makes it very hard to want to settle down, ever.)
No offense bro... but she sounds like she has a very one-dimensional view on relationships. No relationships stay the same... ever. If you go the distance, your relationship with her today will be different than your relationship with her 5 years from now. 10 years from now, you guys will be completely different people and your dynamic, life circumstances, and values may be completely different than they are today.
Relationships are a constant discovery process. You can never completely know someone else, much like you can never completely know yourself. Commitment is about deciding that you'd like to go through that long difficult process with only one person. Anyone who has a pulse would be nervous about this - it's a big decision. For her to say there is "nothing more to learn" after 6 months is a big red flag.
Because you're human, at some point in the future, you will face unimaginable loss, joy, challenges, and decisions. Knowing you can trust someone and still want to be with them in the face of all of that takes a lot of time - years, really unless you meet under exceptional circumstances and face extreme hardships early on as a couple.
David Incorporated Esq.
Member
So after talking with her again last night I think things are much better. It sounded like I bruised her ego, but that the biggest problem was that she felt exposed knowing that she's at a certain point that I'm still working towards. I talked with some married friends of mine, and the wife said she went through something very similar with her husband, and that it was a really uncomfortable feeling. I went back to her and told her that I understood her feelings better now, and that she's just ahead of me on a path to the same destination (which isn't a lie to make her feel better, I really do feel like this is going perfectly but I just need time). Hugs abound and things feel good now, but I know that this is going to be a recurring theme for a while. That's okay, I know better how she feels and how I feel now.
A big part of it is that she's going to be moving away for a while for work and she's terrified of what that separation will mean for us. I get that, and I've committed myself completely to working through that time with her. We'll be looking for new jobs (good opportunities available) in a new place that will give us a permanent life without having work relocations, but that period apart will be tough.
Thanks for your help though, all. Much appreciated.
Edit: ^^^ Yeah we spent time talking about how things might change. She still doesn't think about ups and downs so much but I think she understands that that's what's on my mind.
A big part of it is that she's going to be moving away for a while for work and she's terrified of what that separation will mean for us. I get that, and I've committed myself completely to working through that time with her. We'll be looking for new jobs (good opportunities available) in a new place that will give us a permanent life without having work relocations, but that period apart will be tough.
Thanks for your help though, all. Much appreciated.
Edit: ^^^ Yeah we spent time talking about how things might change. She still doesn't think about ups and downs so much but I think she understands that that's what's on my mind.
Yep, both first dates and definitely up for keeping my options open at this stage. Thanks for the advice!
Blackquill
Member
Met the girl I talked about 2 weeks ago here. The good thing is that La La Land is cool, the bad thing is that she doesn't seem to care about me, at all, not even as a friend, after sawing the movie, we talked a bit and said she was busy and told me goodbye fast. welp
It's no big deal. That has happened to me more times than I can count. We've all been there... don't take it personally.
Blackquill
Member
Yeah I know, it's just depressing rn. Hope it gets better after that
It'll get better for sure. Just give it some time. It sucks when someone is not into you but you can't force it.
Don't contact her again. Nothing good can come from it.
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
Amicable breakup. She didn't have enough bandwidth, her personal situation worsened, and I fully understood the rationale. Of all the breakups I've gone through (and there have been dozens at this point), this is the one I'm most comfortable with. Timing's a bitch.
On the plus side, any possible Valentine's Day money can now be diverted to a Nintendo Switch.
On the plus side, any possible Valentine's Day money can now be diverted to a Nintendo Switch.
You are a good man AD
Curt Baboon
Member
I've been dating this girl for the past month and I'm dreading the moment I have to break up with her, and boy is that moment coming fast.
She was supposed to be a bit of a rebound for me, but my problem is that I tend to go with the flow of things enough that somehow end up heading towards something more serious before I know it. She is hot, the sex is fun and she smokes weed (and almost always buys for the both of us which is a nice touch), but she can get a bit overbearing and is clearly going through her "Fuck you, parents!" phase.
She also has a bit of a coke thing going on and, while we did do some when we first met; that got old pretty quickly since it's something I've made sure to never made a habit out of for obvious reasons. Not that big a deal since I never wanted to have an actual thing with her, but it's still not something I want to be around now.
Besides, there's this other girl I met recently who I'm frankly going crazy for and we are going out next week. She seems way more chill and has a bit of a Zooey Deschanel thing going on, so my hands are kind of tied here.
For the sake of my sanity and my shitty paycheck I don't want to date multiple girls at once right now, so I have to find out how to break up with the crazy one peacefully and soon.
She was supposed to be a bit of a rebound for me, but my problem is that I tend to go with the flow of things enough that somehow end up heading towards something more serious before I know it. She is hot, the sex is fun and she smokes weed (and almost always buys for the both of us which is a nice touch), but she can get a bit overbearing and is clearly going through her "Fuck you, parents!" phase.
She also has a bit of a coke thing going on and, while we did do some when we first met; that got old pretty quickly since it's something I've made sure to never made a habit out of for obvious reasons. Not that big a deal since I never wanted to have an actual thing with her, but it's still not something I want to be around now.
Besides, there's this other girl I met recently who I'm frankly going crazy for and we are going out next week. She seems way more chill and has a bit of a Zooey Deschanel thing going on, so my hands are kind of tied here.
For the sake of my sanity and my shitty paycheck I don't want to date multiple girls at once right now, so I have to find out how to break up with the crazy one peacefully and soon.
names2hard4you
Member
What are some people's thoughts on first dates on Valentine's?
Just treat it as any other first date. Being on Valentine's shouldn't change anything.
I've done it before, no complaints. My one suggestion would be to find a more relaxed/casual place like a pub that doesn't have any VD specific stuff going on.
names2hard4you
Member
Cool stuff. Yeah that was one thought that came to my mind amaterasu. I feel like on that day that stuff is everywhere
Yo guys.
I've known a girl for almost two years. I finished university last year and wound up working for three months at the same place as her (temp job). After we started working together, we became super close. She has a boyfriend, which meant that there was no initial attraction from me, but we just spent so much time together that I began developing intense feelings for her. We hung out a few times outside work, and messaged each other every day. To be honest, I am pretty convinced that she had feelings for me too around a month or so into my job (all the telltale signs were there), but I *never* ever pressed her on this.
Towards the end of my tenure there, one of my other female colleagues who is close to her, suggested that I was attracted to her. I laughed it off and denied it, and we worked together for the remaining time I was there.
Today, I sent her a text message containing my feelings for her, and blocked her everywhere, so that she didn't have a chance to reply. My friends were saying that I shouldn't block her, but that I did the right thing by respecting her relationship. I guess my question to whoever reads this is: did I do the right thing by blocking her without giving her a chance to respond? I'm not hoping to 'win her over' with my confession, but I'm really torn that I have to lose such a close friend over my uncontrollable feelings :/
I've known a girl for almost two years. I finished university last year and wound up working for three months at the same place as her (temp job). After we started working together, we became super close. She has a boyfriend, which meant that there was no initial attraction from me, but we just spent so much time together that I began developing intense feelings for her. We hung out a few times outside work, and messaged each other every day. To be honest, I am pretty convinced that she had feelings for me too around a month or so into my job (all the telltale signs were there), but I *never* ever pressed her on this.
Towards the end of my tenure there, one of my other female colleagues who is close to her, suggested that I was attracted to her. I laughed it off and denied it, and we worked together for the remaining time I was there.
Today, I sent her a text message containing my feelings for her, and blocked her everywhere, so that she didn't have a chance to reply. My friends were saying that I shouldn't block her, but that I did the right thing by respecting her relationship. I guess my question to whoever reads this is: did I do the right thing by blocking her without giving her a chance to respond? I'm not hoping to 'win her over' with my confession, but I'm really torn that I have to lose such a close friend over my uncontrollable feelings :/
I don't think it ever makes any sense to send that kind of message to someone and then block them. If you were sending that message it would seem like you wanted some closure. I don't see how sending a confession of feelings and then blocking her is supposed to help either of you. So yeah I think you fucked up.
Also its a very odd thing to do if she is still seeing someone right now. Would have been much more respectful to not say anything at all then to get your satisfaction of getting something off your chest and messing with her head. And if she isn't then you fucked up anyways.
Messofanego
Banned
Cocaine? Bro, you know what to do.
I guess so dude, but I was looking at it more from the perspective of not wanting to be in a friendship in which I always wanted more - like I said, I kinda think the feelings were reciprocated but I would never try to steal someone who is already in a relationship. Additionally, it would cause trust issues if anything ever did come about between us. I tried to lower the contact but she would literally initiate text convos with me everyday. I do appreciate your opinion though. I will probably sit on this for a while before deciding if its worth letting her respond to it.
Pancake Mix
Copied someone else's pancake recipe
She has a warped sense of what's acceptable. Good thing you bailed right away.
names2hard4you
Member
Good point... Very good point.Definitely don't do dinner, everywhere will be needlessly packed
Curt Baboon
Member
That seems very selfish, especially since you're just dropping this shit on her and not giving her a chance to talk things over or do pretty much anything about it.
Liking a girl with a boyfriend and telling her about it is not a crime or anything. It's the most common situation in the world, and sometimes it might even lead to something if she wants to. Boyfriends/Girlfriends are temporary, and acting as if this girl is going to hate you because you have feelings for her is insane.
The only valid excuse for not discussing it is if you think things will be weird afterwards and are intent on remaining friends with this person, but that's clearly not the case here since you already seem to have burned that bridge on your own.
Unblock her, explain why you freaked out and let things go from there. Even if there's no hope for something else, it will give you a chance to explain yourself a bit and gives you an opening for maintaining that friendship if you really care all that much. Otherwise, the best case scenario is that she will think you didn't have the balls to deal with the fallout and chose your weird attempt at catharsis over the friendship you had.
She would be right, too.
P.D: It's also entirely possible that you don't actually want to remain friends with this girl, especially since everyone who's into another person for too long falls into the ages-old trap of thinking "Aw man, but I don't want to ruin things! We're such good friends!" when that friendship was just an excuse to hang out with this girl hoping something would happen.
If that's the case, what do you have to lose by letting her respond? This great "friendship" was probably months of aimless flirting anyways, so it's not like you are losing an actual buddy. If anything, that friendship was done the moment you blocked her.
Curt Baboon
Member
No, you did a silly thing.
And it feels like you *did* want to win her over, despite what you say. In truth this was likely never a friendship if you felt that way. It's not a crime to tell someone you have feelings for them if they're in a relationship - just don't do anything on the side, be open and up front.
Does anyone know of any good romantic theatre or ballet for Valentines Day in London? I'm racking my brain trying to figure something out. Or anything else romantic, besides a meal?
I was thinking of Cirque du Sole I'll Amaluna but it's too expensive. My price range us 80 to 100.
I was thinking of Cirque du Sole I'll Amaluna but it's too expensive. My price range us 80 to 100.
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