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[Advocatus Diaboli]

Yeah, I was really inexperienced. I had one girlfriend in college that, naturally, I met in Japanese class; I didn't even want to sleep with her, and she kinda forced herself on me. That wrecked me for a while, and after that, I didn't have much experience. Then I got married, got deployed, and got divorced: not many reps there either.

Over the past few years, I've posted about sexual insecurities, arising both internally and from the comments of women I've been with. After enduring that, I just don't care anymore.

I'm having sex on semi-reegularly with the half-Korean girl, and I'd say it's the "best" of my life. But it's also just sex. Sex that's sometimes interrupted by her cat. Sex that ends in running to the bathroom to clean up. Sex that sometimes involves banging heads against furniture. It's just a physical act. All of our parts work, and it absolutely feels good, but it's just sex.

Once sex is de-mystified and no longer elevated to this grand, life-changing experience, it's amazing how quickly anxiety disappears too.

 

[Peltz]

Whew, I really needed to read this, although I remember Mediking was given similar advice before, I just... Had a bit of a breakdown.

It's a bit terrifying, this whole deal - not having experience vs having plenty, to the point you can talk about it openly with a stranger. Her vulnerability might have triggered a whole new level of shame within me. I did felt I wasn't good enough since I couldn't bring myself to talk about it as openly.

In the end, though, we are just talking, I'm not even sure I want to have sex with her.

Thank you everyone, my brain just hung up for a few minutes.

I mean... maybe you need to really explore why you have shame in the first place. I have a feeling your shame is misguided and undeserved.

 

[Raptomex]

Matched with this girl and we clicked, but then she told me her last relationship was open and that she enjoyed the threesomes and I felt a bit of the thrill of meeting a new person die.

I'm still a virgin, I didn't take my step with any of my previous SOs, so I guess I'm just scared?

I think I also felt a bit (lot) of shame, I don't think I can bring this up to someone I just met, specially given her... Last relationship. I'm usually not ashamed of this - it was my choice, my SO respected it and I'm happy I did. This time, however, I can't shake off this gremlins telling me I can never experience the relationship I want with this girl, and that I should just stop talking to her.

And yes, it's the last bit I'm worried about, I just met her and I'm not that invested.

Reading Brene Brown's insight in vulnerability really helps pinpointing shame.

First of all, don't be ashamed. If you're not ready, you're not ready. Depending on how that threesome conversation started, I would say don't bring it up unless it comes up or you get to a point where you feel comfortable sharing it.

I know I was scared my first time and after a while I realized sex isn't the most important thing.

Spoiler

It can be a lot of work actually

.

Whew, I really needed to read this, although I remember Mediking was given similar advice before, I just... Had a bit of a breakdown.

It's a bit terrifying, this whole deal - not having experience vs having plenty, to the point you can talk about it openly with a stranger. Her vulnerability might have triggered a whole new level of shame within me. I did felt I wasn't good enough since I couldn't bring myself to talk about it as openly.

In the end, though, we are just talking, I'm not even sure I want to have sex with her.

Thank you everyone, my brain just hung up for a few minutes.

If you're just talking, having a good time(?), then don't even worry about it. Since you're not sure you even want to have sex with her, don't let it bother you. It's whatever.

 

[Gizuko]

On a superficial level, I have an idea: my first SO wanted to have sex with me (she was a virgin, too), yet I was a bit reluctanct. I loved her, I really did. She is my best friend to this day. But I was afraid - wether it should be her, wether I should actually be doing something I didn't understand (YES, I thought I had to understand sex).

In hindsight, seeing as I thought that way, I probably wasn't mature enough to do it, but I'm kind of hung up on her kidness and her patience, despite really wanting to do it. I don't want to make anyone else go through that, but I want that first time to be with someone special, too.

I shoul try to unravel this emotional bagage, since I thought I had my shit together before this.
Realizing sex is just sex and can... Well, be interrupted by a cat, is definitely where I should start.

I'm a bit happy this whole ordeal happened now, rather than later. I'm also really glad I shared this, I really needed a nudge in the right direction.

Spoiler

This whole conversation spawned from a bit of vulnerability where I decided to share my experience with jealousy way back when, it was a bit out of left field.

 

[Advocatus Diaboli]

I don't want to make anyone else go through that, but I want that first time to be with someone special, too.

You're not making anyone else go through anything. You need to be responsible for your own agency and allow other people to suffer (or enjoy) the consequences of their actions.

To be perfectly blunt, everyone's different. My crazy Ph.D. ex-girlfriend, she liked being choked. Another girl I went on one date with, she liked being peed on. (I noped out of both situations.) More mundanely, some girls like gentle; some have certain spots. The point is, unless you communicate both before and especially during sex, you're both groping around blind, relying on bedrock principles. In other words, think about how rare it'd be for someone to do everything you like.

So long as you're attentive, look and listen for cues, and ask, you're going to be a better sexual partner than someone who's looking to bust a nut and fall asleep. So, congrats. As a virgin, you're already better than that!

Now, the "special" part: get over it. You want and need to be with someone whom you're comfortable with, who's not a shitty person, and whom you like, hopefully. But this person doesn't have to be your future wife.

 

[Peltz]

My crazy Ph.D. ex-girlfriend, she liked being choked. Another girl I went on one date with, she liked being peed on. (I noped out of both situations.)

Yo, you still have their numbers?

 

[Salamando]

Girl I was tryin to hook up with....I need to bail the fuck out. Incredibly hot, totally up for it, but has a fiancee who just deployed. Absent him telling me they have an open relationship I'm not getting involved, and I'm certainly not asking.

 

[Gizuko]

You're not making anyone else go through anything. You need to be responsible for your own agency and allow other people to suffer (or enjoy) the consequences of their actions.

To be perfectly blunt, everyone's different. My crazy Ph.D. ex-girlfriend, she liked being choked. Another girl I went on one date with, she liked being peed on. (I noped out of both situations.) More mundanely, some girls like gentle; some have certain spots. The point is, unless you communicate both before and especially during sex, you're both groping around blind, relying on bedrock principles. In other words, think about how rare it'd be for someone to do everything you like.

So long as you're attentive, look and listen for cues, and ask, you're going to be a better sexual partner than someone who's looking to bust a nut and fall asleep. So, congrats. As a virgin, you're already better than that!

Now, the "special" part: get over it. You want and need to be with someone whom you're comfortable with, who's not a shitty person, and whom you like, hopefully. But this person doesn't have to be your future wife.

This is really eye-opening. I wasn't able to come to terms with it, but you are completely right. It's not as if our relationship is a bad memory or I wasn't worth her time - I should have realized this when she told me (recently), instead of considering both matters separate an wallowing in shame.

As for her being my future wife, I realize that. I guess I do fear the relationship breaking after the fact and getting hung up on my first sexual partner, but I do believe if I talked this things through with my first partner before hand it'd be a non-issue - either she doesn't accept it o she does, and it's pretty clear who is worth my time here.

 

[PancakeBurglar]

My last 2 girlfriends liked being choked during sex, honestly it was kind of hot in my opinion. But I dig a lot of that kinky stuff though lol.

 

[Advocatus Diaboli]

Girl I was tryin to hook up with....I need to bail the fuck out. Incredibly hot, totally up for it, but has a fiancee who just deployed. Absent him telling me they have an open relationship I'm not getting involved, and I'm certainly not asking.

If it were me, I'd nope out of there, then let the fiancé know. That shit is just downright despicable. Fuck that woman. Or rather, don't.

 

[Puck Beaverton]

Yo, you still have their numbers?

for real

 

[Advocatus Diaboli]

Yo, you still have their numbers?

for real

Yes. I still talk to the Ph.D. girl intermittently. She was the one who mentioned that the VA might have options for additional care for my grandmother, and if it weren't for her, she wouldn't have spent her last year in a memory care/dementia ward. I'll ALWAYS be grateful to her for that, even if we weren't sexually compatible.

She also opened my eyes to kink, learning that therapy was okay, experiencing emotional vulnerability...

Like, this girl was a trainwreck in many ways, but damned if she wasn't a life-changing experience.

 

[artsi]

I don't care about choking but girls like to get that hair pulled.

 

[NateDrake]

You're not making anyone else go through anything. You need to be responsible for your own agency and allow other people to suffer (or enjoy) the consequences of their actions.

To be perfectly blunt, everyone's different. My crazy Ph.D. ex-girlfriend, she liked being choked. Another girl I went on one date with, she liked being peed on. (I noped out of both situations.) More mundanely, some girls like gentle; some have certain spots. The point is, unless you communicate both before and especially during sex, you're both groping around blind, relying on bedrock principles. In other words, think about how rare it'd be for someone to do everything you like.

So long as you're attentive, look and listen for cues, and ask, you're going to be a better sexual partner than someone who's looking to bust a nut and fall asleep. So, congrats. As a virgin, you're already better than that!

Now, the "special" part: get over it. You want and need to be with someone whom you're comfortable with, who's not a shitty person, and whom you like, hopefully. But this person doesn't have to be your future wife.

I have heard that a lil choke can heighten the pleasure of an orgasm for some women.

I don't care about choking but girls like to get that hair pulled.

Some definitely do. I'll pull hair, and a girl has pulled my hair while biting me (neither by my request). You just need to know how to read her and her body to tell if they are enjoying it.

 

[Krauser Kat]

I only post my art on Instagram (I know you're also an artist). It's been a couple of months since I last posted anything with my last update being in April when I was in Chicago and posted a drawing of The Bean because I lurk these days. I get the occasional random follow/like from what appear to be bots/girls who only post mirror shots. So you're suggesting to follow girls local to my area at random and slide into her DM's? What if I don't have any crushes at all?

That is pretty much what happened with a tiny bit more context of getting her instagram account from a card she gave to me and 1000 other people at a con.

 

[Jhoan]

That is pretty much what happened with a tiny bit more context of getting her instagram account from a card she gave to me and 1000 other people at a con.

Interesting. I take it you asked her out for drinks right off the bat or within an exchange or two? I'll keep this in mind for the next con/event I volunteer at before NYCC. I've gotten business cards from attractive would-be cosplayers and budding artists before but thought nothing of it for the reason you mentioned: girls are usually being friendly and get bombarded with loads of followers/compliments.

I feel like I've been hit on by attendees while working at cons because I once had a group of attractive girls waiting on a line I was managing at NYCC tell me I was doing an awesome job and asked if they could take a picture of me. I obliged, heard them giggling in retrospect, and went about my way never thinking to ask for numbers or social media.

A petite Asian girl I met through volunteering at a film event suggested exchanging numbers to keep in contact but she was friendly like that with everyone (including female volunteers) so I never texted her outside of that one moment. She recently moved to the city from Chicago. Last time I volunteered with her (last week), she complimented my GAF shirt but I still thought nothing of it. Unless I'm being oblivious.

 

[LordKasual]

A petite Asian girl

fetish???

 

[Krauser Kat]

.

Yeah the 2nd message was are you still in this city? want to grab a drink sometime?
Then the planning started. Though i dont really know if i should say anything else before then other then just confirming she is still up for the date on Wednesday.

 

[Jhoan]

fetish???

Nope. Let's not go there any way.

^^I see. That's easy enough. Waste no time expressing interest to separate yourself from the pack. I suppose one follow up text tomorrow night to confirm would be fine or the day of the date several hours ahead of time.

 

[gaiages]

Mine never knew!

lol

I don't care about choking but girls like to get that hair pulled.

don't you dare pull my motherfucking hair I will kill you

Spoiler

Actually it doesn't hurt it's just annoying

 

[Leeness]

So which of you was this? 😒

 

[LookAtMeGo]

🙋

 

[AcridMeat]

Huh, pretty much every girl I've been with has wanted at least one of the things listed above.

Spoiler

apart from the urine

Maybe I'm attracting a type.

 

[PersonAndStuff]

So which of you was this? ��

That, my dear, depends on the answer to the question.

Spoiler

I have no idea what that means. But it makes me sound like a real smooth creep.

 

[Salamando]

I will NEVER stop hating random disappearances on OKC. Talking to a girl, she disappears, reappears, disappears again...

Spoiler

Seems likely I'm the backup guy, around in case a "better" match falls through or she needs entertained for a night.

🙋

Don't you live near-ish Vancouver? All the puzzle pieces are fitting together...

 

[vern]

I've found that most girls like to be choked, not too hard (though some do like it hard), but a hand around the throat and some strong thrusting gets girls going lol... Also hair pulling and spanking. Most girls don't just want some gentle, loving, romantic (aka boring) sex. Sure sometimes it's nice and tender, but sex should be fun and raw and intense for the most part.

Since our break up a few weeks ago I've got myself into some sticky situations. Don't even know where to begin. I miss having a gf and avoiding the drama of dating. I'll find another gf soon.

 

[Count Dookkake]

Just read an article about what Google searches reveal about populations. The researcher sheepishly admits that more women watch violent porn than do men.

I was like, duh.

 

[LookAtMeGo]

Last time I slep with my ex a while after we broke up there was some choking and hair pulling and shit and she was like god damn, why didnt you do that shit when we were together? I was like I dunno. You never asked?

Something about being with someone I feel romantic towards makes me not do that kind of stuff I guess?

Like.. I love giving a good facial but I find that I dont really do that with people I'm romantic with either.

I find the one night stand sex I have is a lot rougher and more interesting. I dont really know why that is..

 

[Messofanego]

I don't care about choking but girls like to get that hair pulled.

lol

 

[always crazy bacon]

Last time I slep with my ex a while after we broke up there was some choking and hair pulling and shit and she was like god damn, why didnt you do that shit when we were together? I was like I dunno. You never asked?

Something about being with someone I feel romantic towards makes me not do that kind of stuff I guess?

Like.. I love giving a good facial but I find that I dont really do that with people I'm romantic with either.

I find the one night stand sex I have is a lot rougher and more interesting. I dont really know why that is..

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madonna–whore_complex

I'm also a lot more intense on one night stands, I like the anonymity of that. I'm conscious of women telling her friends what we do in the bedroom. If I don't know her friends, I don't care, I'm just a random.

 

[LookAtMeGo]

Huh.. interesting.

 

[NateDrake]

Last time I slep with my ex a while after we broke up there was some choking and hair pulling and shit and she was like god damn, why didnt you do that shit when we were together? I was like I dunno. You never asked?

Something about being with someone I feel romantic towards makes me not do that kind of stuff I guess?

Like.. I love giving a good facial but I find that I dont really do that with people I'm romantic with either.

I find the one night stand sex I have is a lot rougher and more interesting. I dont really know why that is..

I get what you are saying. I find that there is a time for romantic intimacy and time to just fuck. Sometimes you will just have that romantic and passionate sexual exchange but then there are times it is just hot rough sex. Separate the romance from your primal desires.

 

[LucidMomentum]

I get what you are saying. I find that there is a time for romantic intimacy and time to just fuck. Sometimes you will just have that romantic and passionate sexual exchange but then there are times it is just hot rough sex. Separate the romance from your primal desires.

Yep, this. Also helps to have a partner who communicates, regardless if it's a serious or casual relationship.

I've had hookups that I've taken on a romantic night out, because that's what got them going.

People get so nervous and hung up about telling people what they want. Just be honest and when you find people who accept you then you're good to go.

 

[Raptomex]

I've found that most girls like to be choked, not too hard (though some do like it hard), but a hand around the throat and some strong thrusting gets girls going lol... Also hair pulling and spanking. Most girls don't just want some gentle, loving, romantic (aka boring) sex. Sure sometimes it's nice and tender, but sex should be fun and raw and intense for the most part.

Since our break up a few weeks ago I've got myself into some sticky situations. Don't even know where to begin. I miss having a gf and avoiding the drama of dating. I'll find another gf soon.

Lol. I see what you did there.

 

[LordKasual]

Nope. Let's not go there any way.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) mmhm.

its ok man everyone loves some petitie asian girls, dont be ashamed

So which of you was this? ��

I dunno

but i've only gotten good head once in my life, so the answer is no

 

[gaiages]

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) mmhm.

its ok man everyone loves some petitie asian girls, dont be ashamed

Let's not fetishize races.

 

[Leeness]

Just dealing with this right now... A month is too long, in my opinion, to just ghost someone with no explanation. So I'm sorry that they did that to you.

However... I have a guy who I have blocked three times over two different sites who won't stop messaging me and I haven't talked to him since we met (once) for 45 minutes a year and a half to two years ago. I block him, he makes a new account, messages me, I block him again, etc. He just messaged me again last night, which is why it's on my mind.

Sooooooo. I don't want to engage with him. Especially since the last time I talked to him (a year and a half to two years ago), he wouldn't take no for an answer. I'm sure he will continue to take no for an answer, going by the behaviour he exhibits.

FYI, this guy is back again. :/ It's becoming disturbing. I thought the last block across POF and OKC would do it, but no...

This is about five or six accounts now that I've blocked. Maybe more. I'd have to check.

Edit: okay, ignored more than I thought I had blocked. Ignored iterations 1-4 on POF, blocked 5 and 6. Ignored two iterations on OKC, blocked one. This will be second blocked account on OKC.

 

[LordKasual]

Let's not fetishize races.

I'm teasing.

I never hear anyone use the word "petite", followed by "a race" in real life.

mind goes straight to porn!

Edit:

nevermind, im lying, yes I have.

I just never hear the word "petite". Mind still goes straight to porn.

FYI, this guy is back again. :/ It's becoming disturbing. I thought the last block across POF and OKC would do it, but no...

This is about five or six accounts now that I've blocked. Maybe more. I'd have to check.

You gotta match his tenacity. You have to get creative.

....so I really want to give you good advice, but i know people will accuse me of things.

I'll just leave it at that.

 

[RRockman]

Interesting. I take it you asked her out for drinks right off the bat or within an exchange or two? I'll keep this in mind for the next con/event I volunteer at before NYCC. I've gotten business cards from attractive would-be cosplayers and budding artists before but thought nothing of it for the reason you mentioned: girls are usually being friendly and get bombarded with loads of followers/compliments.

I feel like I've been hit on by attendees while working at cons because I once had a group of attractive girls waiting on a line I was managing at NYCC tell me I was doing an awesome job and asked if they could take a picture of me. I obliged, heard them giggling in retrospect, and went about my way never thinking to ask for numbers or social media.

A petite Asian girl I met through volunteering at a film event suggested exchanging numbers to keep in contact but she was friendly like that with everyone (including female volunteers) so I never texted her outside of that one moment. She recently moved to the city from Chicago. Last time I volunteered with her (last week), she complimented my GAF shirt but I still thought nothing of it. Unless I'm being oblivious.

Coming out of the shadows to post this but why would you talk about her on GAF if the shirt caught her eye? What if she's reading this thread as we speak?

 

[Jhoan]

Coming out of the shadows to post this but why would you talk about her on GAF if the shirt caught her eye? What if she's reading this thread as we speak?

Because I have nothing to hide; I post with my real name so eh. I showed her the GAF logo on my phone and mentioned that I frequent it. Even if she does, I don't care; she's not into games. GAF is a part of who I am if you want to wax philosophical. That being said, I wouldn't mention it on a date but mention in passing having met friends through the Internet.

 

[Leeness]

You gotta match his tenacity. You have to get creative.

....so I really want to give you good advice, but i know people will accuse me of things.

I'll just leave it at that.

Definitely not engaging... lol. He doesn't take no for an answer, so...that wouldn't help.

I'm probably going to have to report him.

 

[Salamando]

Definitely not engaging... lol. He doesn't take no for an answer, so...that wouldn't help.

I'm probably going to have to report him.

Block, report, hope OKC/Tinder/Whatever IP ban him. Won't last long, but it's better than inaction.

 

[Leeness]

Block, report, hope OKC/Tinder/Whatever IP ban him. Won't last long, but it's better than inaction.

Well, ignoring and blocking don't work, so... 😔

 

[Megalosaro]

Here is a question for you guys.

How acceptable is it to discuss personal finances with your SO?

Things are moving in a direction where I feel the topic should come up. We have a few things in the works that requires financial planning and I kind of want to get her involved because

A-She's an accountant so money advice is appreciated
B-I want her to know more about me
C-I want to plan in a fiscally responsible and sustainable fashion.

At 4 months, is it kosher to show her my excel budget?

 

[Advocatus Diaboli]

Here is a question for you guys.

How acceptable is it to discuss personal finances with your SO?

Things are moving in a direction where I feel the topic should come up. We have a few things in the works that requires financial planning and I kind of want to get her involved because

A-She's an accountant so money advice is appreciated
B-I want her to know more about me
C-I want to plan in a fiscally responsible and sustainable fashion.

At 4 months, is it kosher to show her my excel budget?

Yes.

 

[LordKasual]

Definitely not engaging... lol. He doesn't take no for an answer, so...that wouldn't help.

I'm probably going to have to report him.

If that doesn't work, my advice would be to make him lose interest in you personally.

If you dispel whatever fantasy about you that he holds in his head (or not allow him to make them), then he will lose interest.

But this was over a year ago and it's been constant? Whatever the hell you guys talked about in that 45 minutes has him obsessed lol, did he seem like a lonely guy when you met him???

I don't care about choking but girls like to get that hair pulled.

yo this can be straight dangerous

please do research first

 

[Leeness]

If that doesn't work, my advice would be to make him lose interest in you personally.

If you dispel whatever fantasy about you that he holds in his head (or not allow him to make them), then he will lose interest.

But this was over a year ago and it's been constant? Whatever the hell you guys talked about in that 45 minutes has him obsessed lol, did he seem like a lonely guy when you met him???

Nah, I'm not engaging with him. It was two years ago, I believe, and he is still at it, there's nothing to be gained by giving him attention. He also was not good at taking no for an answer, so...nah. I've reported him.

It's not constant, but he pops up every couple of months (though last time was only a month ago, so...more frequent again).

I don't care if he was lonely, frankly. :/

 

[RRockman]

Because I have nothing to hide; I post with my real name so eh. I showed her the GAF logo on my phone and mentioned that I frequent it. Even if she does, I don't care; she's not into games. GAF is a part of who I am if you want to wax philosophical. That being said, I wouldn't mention it on a date but mention in passing having met friends through the Internet.

Cool. I was just curious/teasing honestly. More Power to ya!

 

[LordKasual]

Nah, I'm not engaging with him. It was two years ago, I believe, and he is still at it, there's nothing to be gained by giving him attention. He also was not good at taking no for an answer, so...nah. I've reported him.

It's not constant, but he pops up every couple of months (though last time was only a month ago, so...more frequent again).

I don't care if he was lonely, frankly. :/

just judging his capacity to be an axe murderer

meh, maybe he just gets bored/drunk and shoots the shit hoping you respond.

Because I have nothing to hide; I post with my real name so eh. I showed her the GAF logo on my phone and mentioned that I frequent it. Even if she does, I don't care; she's not into games. GAF is a part of who I am if you want to wax philosophical. That being said, I wouldn't mention it on a date but mention in passing having met friends through the Internet.

Hi petite asian girl that Jhoan's musing about o/

He seems like a cool guy. Nothing to hide! Seems like a genuine dude. I hope we get a thread about you soon ;D

 

[Advocatus Diaboli]

just judging his capacity to be an axe murderer

meh, maybe he just gets bored/drunk and shoots the shit hoping you respond.

Trying it one more time after a soft rejection is bold and, in some cases, defensible.

Trying it any more times is wrong and should be rightly condemned by everyone here, especially other men.

This dude's not an axe murderer, but he's creepy as fuck and -- who knows? Imagine if he sees her in the street sometime since he clearly recognizes her across multiple online platforms?