Just let it go silent. 9/10 people are looking for non-confrontation above crystal clear clarity.
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Dating Age |OT$6| Just ask her out already
- Thread starter gaiages
- Start date
- Status
Just let it go silent. 9/10 people are looking for non-confrontation above crystal clear clarity.
peanutbutterlatte
Member
Well if you're interested you text right? Seen her an hour in the last 5 weeks... Hardly dating .
You're free to move on. End of story, pass Go, collect $200.
Ray Wonder
Founder of the Wounded Tagless Children
So two weeks with no texts either way, and you want to send her a text out of the blue saying something like:
"Hey, just saying it was cool hanging out with you for a month. I'm moving on now bye"
That sounds pretty weird to me.
peanutbutterlatte
Member
Will the Thrill
Banned
Tinder is still such a poor app, I have my mileage set to 19 miles and bam I'm still getting people who are like 40+ miles away, after I swiped them when it was saying they were only like 15 miles away. Who drives 25 miles away from their house then gets on their Tinder to swipe?
It's basically all I've got though, Okcupid is a wasteland for me
It's basically all I've got though, Okcupid is a wasteland for me
direct_quote
Member
Yah i've gotten weird matches with people 400 miles away. And most people I match with are either bots or people that I say something and they never respond. OKcupid is decent for me but I don't get a lot of responses on there either. POF is kind of a joke, and match recently has gotten me no where... But i don't see a point in trying other dating websites like eHarmony when you generally see mostly the same people on all them within your area.
Psychoward
Banned
Need input on something that happened tonight. Obviously without the full backstory/context of the relationship it won't be perfect but I'm hoping it's enough.
GF and I have been dating for a little over 6 months now, she knows I have clinical depression and anxiety and that I take meds for it. I know she's a lot closer with her family than I am.
Today I drove over to her house to hang out, she asked if I wanted to eat with her and I said yeah. Her aunt made dinner but my gf ate while I was driving over. She said she was hungy and I didn't care too much but I'd be lying if it said it didn't tick me off a little bit because even if I'm starving I always try and eat meals with her if I can. Whatever, an annoyance but hardly worth starting a fight over.
So I'm sitting and eating there and she pulls up her laptop cause she has a history paper that she wants help on. I took multiple AP histories in high school and I'm a poli sci major so I said I would help her out. The paper is based on a 28 page chapter though that I haven't read yet and she lied about having a rough draft - she only had 1 paragraph. So obviously I can't help her out much seeing as I didn't read the text she's referencing/basing her thesis around and she doesn't have much written to begin with. I fix up some minor grammar issues and hand it back to her. She keeps asking me to do more but I can't. Then she starts talking to one of her sisters for about 10 minutes as I'm finishing eating, not talking to me once.
I clean up after myself and then ask what she wants to do, she says she doesn't know and has no ideas. Again, I always pick the places we go to (whether it's food, a hiking trail, a concert etc. I'm always the instigator) so it was kind of annoying that she had the whole day free and couldn't think of something to do in her own town. I didn't know what there was to do around there because I live 20 minutes away. Still though, just another minor annoyance.
So then she sits on the couch and starts watching a documentary halfway through with her sisters. They've all already seen it before so they're talking about it and I feel kinda left out because I have no clue what they're talking about and the documentary isn't even from the start. At random times she'd get up to go drink or smoke with her sisters even though I can't do either because I have to drive home tonight. She also spilled liquor over my shirt and didn't seem too remorseful about it. I don't really have to go in to more specifics, the gist of it was for about 2 hours she was talking with her sisters and drinking without me and talked to me directly maybe twice. Both times I talked she didn't really seem to care about what I had to say - partially though because she asked boring questions like what I did today, even though I had told her 30 minutes prior.
So after about 2 hours of me sitting on the couch she finally realizes something's up and says she wants to go somewhere because I'm not talking. So we hop in to my car and I turn to her and ask where she wants to go. "No idea."
She asks if I'm upset and I basically spill my feelings, saying that it felt like she didn't really want me there, that she tells me she wants to do something but can't think of a single thing etc. etc. The first point is doubly weird because she tells me she feels unwanted sometimes when I'm with her, her only thing backing that up is how I look sometimes. Again, clinical anxiety and depression. I try to make sure she's comfortable whenever we go out though and whenever she's at my mom's house or my dad's house I always try talking to her directly and will sometimes invoke my parents or sister but usually just talk to her.
She says she didn't realize she was talking with them for so long but she also expected me to interject and have a conversation with them. I retort that I can't do that because 1) clinical depression and anxiety 2) I don't know them that well 3) I don't know what they're talking about 4) they never talked to me/asked me a question etc.
Anyway she asks if I want her to leave my car and at first I don't really give an answer but finally say yes. I tell her I may just be tired/in a bad mood and would rather hang out tomorrow with a clear head. She storms out of the car and hasn't texted me since.
so... who fucked up?
GF and I have been dating for a little over 6 months now, she knows I have clinical depression and anxiety and that I take meds for it. I know she's a lot closer with her family than I am.
Today I drove over to her house to hang out, she asked if I wanted to eat with her and I said yeah. Her aunt made dinner but my gf ate while I was driving over. She said she was hungy and I didn't care too much but I'd be lying if it said it didn't tick me off a little bit because even if I'm starving I always try and eat meals with her if I can. Whatever, an annoyance but hardly worth starting a fight over.
So I'm sitting and eating there and she pulls up her laptop cause she has a history paper that she wants help on. I took multiple AP histories in high school and I'm a poli sci major so I said I would help her out. The paper is based on a 28 page chapter though that I haven't read yet and she lied about having a rough draft - she only had 1 paragraph. So obviously I can't help her out much seeing as I didn't read the text she's referencing/basing her thesis around and she doesn't have much written to begin with. I fix up some minor grammar issues and hand it back to her. She keeps asking me to do more but I can't. Then she starts talking to one of her sisters for about 10 minutes as I'm finishing eating, not talking to me once.
I clean up after myself and then ask what she wants to do, she says she doesn't know and has no ideas. Again, I always pick the places we go to (whether it's food, a hiking trail, a concert etc. I'm always the instigator) so it was kind of annoying that she had the whole day free and couldn't think of something to do in her own town. I didn't know what there was to do around there because I live 20 minutes away. Still though, just another minor annoyance.
So then she sits on the couch and starts watching a documentary halfway through with her sisters. They've all already seen it before so they're talking about it and I feel kinda left out because I have no clue what they're talking about and the documentary isn't even from the start. At random times she'd get up to go drink or smoke with her sisters even though I can't do either because I have to drive home tonight. She also spilled liquor over my shirt and didn't seem too remorseful about it. I don't really have to go in to more specifics, the gist of it was for about 2 hours she was talking with her sisters and drinking without me and talked to me directly maybe twice. Both times I talked she didn't really seem to care about what I had to say - partially though because she asked boring questions like what I did today, even though I had told her 30 minutes prior.
So after about 2 hours of me sitting on the couch she finally realizes something's up and says she wants to go somewhere because I'm not talking. So we hop in to my car and I turn to her and ask where she wants to go. "No idea."
She asks if I'm upset and I basically spill my feelings, saying that it felt like she didn't really want me there, that she tells me she wants to do something but can't think of a single thing etc. etc. The first point is doubly weird because she tells me she feels unwanted sometimes when I'm with her, her only thing backing that up is how I look sometimes. Again, clinical anxiety and depression. I try to make sure she's comfortable whenever we go out though and whenever she's at my mom's house or my dad's house I always try talking to her directly and will sometimes invoke my parents or sister but usually just talk to her.
She says she didn't realize she was talking with them for so long but she also expected me to interject and have a conversation with them. I retort that I can't do that because 1) clinical depression and anxiety 2) I don't know them that well 3) I don't know what they're talking about 4) they never talked to me/asked me a question etc.
Anyway she asks if I want her to leave my car and at first I don't really give an answer but finally say yes. I tell her I may just be tired/in a bad mood and would rather hang out tomorrow with a clear head. She storms out of the car and hasn't texted me since.
so... who fucked up?
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
Both of you did. But attributing blame doesn't matter. What matters is how you proceed now.
The important question: is this a one-off occurrence? How have your interactions gone over the past 6 months?
The important question: is this a one-off occurrence? How have your interactions gone over the past 6 months?
Psychoward
Banned
She has trust issues with me. I don't talk to many people and most of them are either online (so she doesn't know them) or girls (so she thinks I want to fuck them). She was also a virgin and had never been in an actual relationship before me so that might have something to do with it.
But yeah most of our squabbles come from the fact that she feels I don't want her around for whatever reason using almost silly qualifications like sometimes if she's busy I'll be on my phone or me never uploading a picture of us to social media. For the first one my defense is that I'm usually only on my phone when she's asleep or doing something or other. I'm not choosing the phone over her by any means. For the second my defense is that I don't like that sappy stuff, I'm not close friends with a lot of people on there so I don't want them to start messaging me and she never has either.
Oh she'll also get mad sometimes that I don't ask her about touchy things like her dad (he died this year) but I constantly say I don't want to bring it up because everyone handles grief differently and I don't want to make her sad but obviously if she wants to talk about it she can go for it.
All of the minor fights we get in to that I've started... well I'm trying to be unbiased here but know that it is a much shorter list... most of it is about things surrounding her family. Like tonight was an example of that but also once I questioned why her mom was so strict about some rules (doesn't let her sleep over or even have me up in her room despite us being 20 etc. ) and she got super defensive over it.
There haven't been any huge fights with any yelling or crying or anything but I feel like a good chunk of the issues we do have are things that should never even be issues at all.
edit: I am curious for going forward though, how did I fuck up? Looking back I probably should have said something during the time she was ignoring me.
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
Lol, girl I was worried about going to the danger place had been acting strange so I audibled to just get coffee instead. I have a bad guy feeling so we'll see if I'm right.
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
Definitely has something to do with it. She has no experience. But at the outset, "trust issues" are things that you need to actively work on rather than assuming time will address them. It doesn't. As someone with a female best friend, I go out of my way to mention how I view her as a little sister (which I do).
You've been dating for six months. You should take pictures of yourself together. Trust me - I've been down that route before. It's marginal effort to normalize the fact that you're a couple. You should be happy and proud to post photos, or if you're not into Facebook, show pictures around to your friends. Let me translate this for you (this will be a recurring theme): she wants to see that you're invested in the relationship itself.
Why do you feel the need to defend yourself? Also, translation: pointing out that you're on your phone is just representative of the her feeling neglected. Why don't you two have a weekend away together? You can put the phones away and take pictures. Also, posting pictures doesn't have to be "sappy." It's something couples do.
The most important man in her life died and the guy she's been dating for 6 months doesn't ask her how she's coping? And you actively mention how you don't want to talk about it, and instead you put the ball in her court? Not a great response. There's nothing wrong with asking her how she's doing and, more importantly, given that you know everyone handles grief differently, asking what you can do to help her through one of the most difficult times in her entire life.
Can you take a moment to process the fact that (I'm guessing) everyone's working through a death in the household and maybe it's not the best time to criticize parenting? You don't want to be in her room in her house, anyway. I get the not sleeping over part -- that'd be irksome, sure. But she lives at home. And, I'm betting that not pissing off her mother right now is high on her list of shit she has to to.
These are major issues and I hope that you'll think about them. It sounds like you aren't experienced in relationships either.
Calling out her for ignoring you wouldn't have helped. She was insensitive for doing it, but she was also apparently a little drunk. It wouldn't have accomplished anything. You fucked up by telling her to leave your car. You guys need to talk this through.
Don't use your issues as an excuse and be proactive. Your clinical depression and anxiety shouldn't be a go-to scapegoat for not wanting to interact with the family of your girlfriend of 6 months. What stopped you from asking a question? What stopped you from joining them when they went out to smoke? Reading this, I get the impression that you sat in a chair the entire time looking at your phone.
Anyway, your to-do list includes: apologizing to your girlfriend; making an effort to address her concern re: feeling neglected (which runs against kind of the point of being in a relationship); taking a fucking picture of you two together; and calmly communicating the legitimate troubles you've been having, such as asking for her help in getting to know her family better, since it's naturally and obviously important to her and a hurdle for you.
Will the Thrill
Banned
Yeah that's part of the problem, there is a LOT more people on Tinder than Okcupid and other dating sites/stuff in my area. And of the websites like Okcupid and PoF it's just the same people so having anything more than just Okcupid is overkill. Any date I've gotten in the past year has been from Tinder though, I probably shouldn't even bother with Okcupid anymore.
I also get a lot of people who never respond on Tinder, even if they're a super like. And at the same time a lot of people who do respond, but only ever once and then never again. Like, why bother responding at all to the first message then? I feel like the app itself sometimes never sends messages as well, randomly even when my internet is perfect (Or I'm connected to LTE) the sending function just fucks up and doesn't send, or it says it does but obviously didn't, the app is so shit but it's all I got.
peanutbutterlatte
Member
I swear it's been the same 12 girls on OkCupid in my area for the past two years. Same photos, same profile.
And dude, you can't really bitch too much about other people's rules. You're a guest in their house. My parents were always so weird about me sleeping in the same room as my ex until we were a good 4 years into our relationship.
And dude, you can't really bitch too much about other people's rules. You're a guest in their house. My parents were always so weird about me sleeping in the same room as my ex until we were a good 4 years into our relationship.
Should I add a question to the text after a first date or just say something along the lines of this?
"Hey ___, it was nice meeting you last night. I hope you got back alright
"
I think our first date went well since it went on for about 5 hours, but it's honestly hard to say. In retrospect I also probably should've kissed her, but it didn't feel right last night.
I offered to pay her for my half of her last round of drinks since I had to leave, but she said "don't worry, you can get the next one" so a decent sign I guess?
I really need to stop overthinking everything...
"Hey ___, it was nice meeting you last night. I hope you got back alright
"I think our first date went well since it went on for about 5 hours, but it's honestly hard to say. In retrospect I also probably should've kissed her, but it didn't feel right last night.
I offered to pay her for my half of her last round of drinks since I had to leave, but she said "don't worry, you can get the next one" so a decent sign I guess?
I really need to stop overthinking everything...
Should I add a question to the text after a first date or just say something along the lines of this?
"Hey ___, it was nice meeting you last night. I hope you got back alright
I think our first date went well since it went on for about 5 hours, but it's honestly hard to say. In retrospect I also probably should've kissed her, but it didn't feel right last night.
I offered to pay her for my half of her last round of drinks since I had to leave, but she said "don't worry, you can get the next one" so a decent sign I guess?
I really need to stop overthinking everything...
It's fine, just chill. Just text her in a few days asking if she wants to get together again
peanutbutterlatte
Member
I sent that and she responded, so a good sign I guess?
I'll message her later on, but I can't unfortunately meet up with her next week so I'll try and get something arranged for the week after in a couple of days.
A lot of the date we did talk politics (I know that's a big no-no), but it was bound to pop up as we've both suffered massively this year (she's an American living here in London and I'm a Brit) so there was some common ground.
Haha, most definitely mine as well!
Yep. Same experience with me on okc and pof. With a new girl popping up every blue moon. Sucks that most girls on them follow under the following
Really overweight
Several kids
Extremely religious/conservative
So my options are extremely limited.
Gotdatmoney
Member
If you wanna ease her fears about friends maybe just have a hangout so she can see it's platonic? And maybe make some more guy friends? Just because it's prob good to chill with dudes every once in a while.
If she is annoyed about the phone perhaps you are just using it too much. Why not try to do some stuff together instead. Watch some TV or something easy. As for pictures, you just gotta swallow this one and concede. Pictures matter for some people. Posting some pictures of you and your gf on social media is normal. If you never post any it gives the impression that maybe you are hiding her or dont want people to know.
I get the idea if not wanting to bring it up because you can't really predict how it will go over. But if she would like you to be more interested in some more personal aspects of her life you wont get anywhere by being like "naw dont wanna". Just start small.
It's her mom's house. You have to respect the rules. Not question her about them like A) she can perfectly justify it and B) she can change it. Leave it be. This is is just annoying.
Frankly I think you need to actually make an effort to get to know her sisters. Not every time you hang out will you be invested in the convo. You have to make an effort to get to know them. Start a convo, suggest playing a board game with them as a bonding thing. Do something.
Also, I don't think you should show visual annoyamce around others. Wait until you have time alone to address things. It seemed like you were just passive aggressive annoyed the entire time and she eventually couldn't ignore it. That is not a way to deal with things. Keep cool and address like adults in private.
peanutbutterlatte
Member
It's super snobby, but I put "Bachelors degree" in my search preferences on POF and it improved the results massively...
ZackieChan
Member
In this day and age, that's not exactly reaching high (depending on the age of people you're looking for).
tearsofash
Member
I know it's similar, but no.
I got really drunk and got the courage to go ask for her number but she wasn't there when I went back in.
ZackieChan
Member
A flawless plan
Psychoward
Banned
Welp I apologized but she has my glasses at her house and I can't pick them up obviously. She says she doesn't feel like dropping them off today but I already had to call out of work today because I'm blind. I have work tomorrow too...
Edit: also I can't erase her fears about friends bc they're all at college now which is a couple thousand miles away from us. I'm taking a break from the semester.
Edit: also I can't erase her fears about friends bc they're all at college now which is a couple thousand miles away from us. I'm taking a break from the semester.
Your friends are all thousands of miles away, leaving you to communicate via text or social media.
Your refuse to upload couples pics to social media, even though it's caused friction between you two.
She doesn't trust your friends, and thinks you want to fuck them.
I wonder if these facts could all be related somehow...
From her perspective, its easy to create a narrative where you won't share couples pics with your friends because you do want to fuck them and don't want to appear "off the market".
Psychoward
Banned
hmm that's true, although if I did want to fuck them they're thousands of miles away so it's not like it would be a huge deal if I was in a relationship
but again, she hasn't uploaded couple pics either although that's kind of a cop out
I'll do it once things return back to normal though, doing it now would just seem like a desperation move, I was gonna get her flowers last night too but I was in a rush and planned on giving them to her tonight instead :/. Now if I give her flowers it'll seem like a reactive "sorry I fucked up" instead of a proactive "thanks for being awesome".
Lone_Prodigy
Member
How did you get home in the first place without your glasses, and why don't you have a backup?
names2hard4you
Member
You must have read my mind because that was the first thing I thought of when I read his post LOL. If you are driving for 20mins and see that poorly, how could you not notice as soon as you even step out of the house?
Psychoward
Banned
I had my contacts in but I don't have the solution/case obviously. My old glasses broke so I don't have a backup. I was set to go to the eye doctor this week to get my prescription updated so I didn't have more contacts.
Regardless of everything else, you said she lost her father recently. She's probably not exactly emotional stable, losing a parent at a young age will do that to you. Perhaps, you know, letting things slide once and a while? Emotions kinda can make people illogical.
Also, you seem to have a lot of excuses, it's kinda... Eh... Excuses aren't really going to cut it in a relationship that's about five and take. For example brushing off someone's fears about you being attracted to other women as "well even if I did it doesn't matter because I couldn't fuck them if I wanted to" is really shitty. You don't need to be asked a question to be included in a conversation, it's simple enough to chime in.
Just things to think about in the future. She's obviously not blameless here, but by the info I've seen, well, you have stuff to work on too.
i agree
Pro-tip for the future if you want to make conversation: ask them what the docu is about. Or ask your gf directly if talking to the sisters is too difficult.
How open are you all with your drug usage?
I got food with the girl I asked out for drinks, and she mentioned how something looked like cocaine.
I joked around and asked her if she has ever done it, and she nervously mentioned that she has been around it. Then, she mentions how her ex started doing it and turned into a drug addict. She then mentioned how much it hurt to see someone that she cared about in the condition he was in.
She said she would never associate herself with someone like him again.
Me, being honest, I mentioned to her that I have done cocaine, but said that it's something that I'll never do again. She fired back and said that her ex mentioned the same thing and ended up being a chronic user of various drugs.
I don't know if I fucked up, but I try to be honest with people, especially her.
What do some of you think?
I got food with the girl I asked out for drinks, and she mentioned how something looked like cocaine.
I joked around and asked her if she has ever done it, and she nervously mentioned that she has been around it. Then, she mentions how her ex started doing it and turned into a drug addict. She then mentioned how much it hurt to see someone that she cared about in the condition he was in.
She said she would never associate herself with someone like him again.
Me, being honest, I mentioned to her that I have done cocaine, but said that it's something that I'll never do again. She fired back and said that her ex mentioned the same thing and ended up being a chronic user of various drugs.
I don't know if I fucked up, but I try to be honest with people, especially her.
What do some of you think?
Messofanego
Banned
At least it wasn't heroine...? I don't know, if you say it was just a one time thing at a party and you felt no need to try it again, like it's not an addiction, maybe she will understand even though she's had a traumatic history with it so who knows how she would react. I wouldn't have been that honest from the get go cause it doesn't seem to have taken over your life so you can show that to her first hand but hey, if she Can't risk it then it's her choice.
So I got a match on tinder but she's a single mother who's kid is a baby, I'm only 22. Do I leave her alone ? Still take her out ? What do you guys do when it's a single mother
Her being a mother, I would think she doesn't have luck when it comes to dating , she's attractive. I'm still very new to this. Taking her out on a date would be nice, right ?
Her being a mother, I would think she doesn't have luck when it comes to dating , she's attractive. I'm still very new to this. Taking her out on a date would be nice, right ?
Dylan Sexbang
Banned
So I met a girl through OKC, and things seems to be going great. We talked for a few days through there, exchanged numbers and then went on a little date. Museum, dinner, and desert. She had mentioned how she's going to a party in December, and that I'm invited and can spend the night since she will be doing so. And she was eager to schedule another date for this Wednesday.
But I got a text today saying that she has a thanksgiving party Wednesday night, which is kind of unfortunate. But she's actually rescheduling our time to earlier in the day so we can still have the morning and afternoon. Since our little date, we've been texting regularly, and I'm going to move things forward on the next day. Fingers crossed!
But I got a text today saying that she has a thanksgiving party Wednesday night, which is kind of unfortunate. But she's actually rescheduling our time to earlier in the day so we can still have the morning and afternoon. Since our little date, we've been texting regularly, and I'm going to move things forward on the next day. Fingers crossed!
tearsofash
Member
It's when I do my best work, if we're being honest
This really is very simple. Do you want to date a single mother? Could you see yourself doing that? If yes, talk to her. If no, don't talk to her.
Isn't it a little more complicated, like her child needs to be looked after and the whole single mothers fear that they are looking for a father for their child. I want to date her but the rest is what's a mystery.
What do you guys do when you get matched with a single mother?
- I asked her out, she started texting me handsome name calling me and told her to tone it down because we haven't even met yet
peanutbutterlatte
Member
You will always be second banana to her kid. But if you really like her, why not? If she's in her right mind she'll probably be keeping the kid away from every random guy she meets on Tinder anyway. It'll be pretty obvious after a date or two whether she's looking for a partner or a paternal role model.
I'd find it really difficult personally, but I know several people who have made excellent stepparents. If I met someone amazing, I don't think it'd stop me.
Sounds like she met someone else. You owe her nothing. Never text her again until she reaches out. If she does, don't be eager.
peanutbutterlatte
Member
peanutbutterlatte
Member
It's weird, I've used Tinder for about a year and a half on and off, but never had a date from it. POF and OKC had slightly more success (only slightly mind).
She asked if I've seen Fantastic Beasts yet, so I'm assuming she's subtly asking to see if I want to see it with her?
I'm not sure whether to say something like "Nah, I haven't seen it yet. It does look decent though!" or take the initiative and ask her out to see it.
I'm really not a fan of cinema dates... :/
ZackieChan
Member
Do you think I should take the initiative and ask her out to see it, or just wait and see how she responds to me saying I haven't seen it yet?
I'd definitely try and do what you said if we were to go though.
ZackieChan
Member
True.
I may say something along the lines of this (unless it sounds bad):
"Nah, it does look decent though! Would you be up for seeing it?
"This week is manic for me so I'm not entirely sure I could see it this week, but depending on what she says I'd be more assertive with a day on the message after.
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