The New Testimonial of the Old Testament with Stro
JUDGES OF WRESTLING COURT
Judah and Simeon take over for the now dead Joshua. Kind of. The Jews continue to kill every one and everything in their path of destruction. They started cutting off thumbs and big toes for some reason.
I guess God's one weakness is iron chariots. Nothing you can do about those.
God sends down an angel because he's pissed that the Jews haven't torn down every altar or place of worship in every city they've conquered. God got hot. He made sure a bunch died and seemed to pretty much give up on them entirely. He sold them back into slavery. WHAT THE FUCK. What a god damn waste of time. Fuck. Decades and decades of work to free the Jews and then he sells them back into slavery because he was grumpy that day.
Eglon was the king of Moab and a very fat man. Every few years, God would send a new dude to help the Jews out. This time it was Ehud, who kept a dagger attached to his right thigh and then stabbed that fatty in the gut. Mother fucker was so fat that his fat ate the blade. Then everyone in Moab was murdered. This is like 60 years after the last thing.
This goes on and on in cycles for many years. Jews are under control of someone else for a while, a great man rises up and frees them, then they are under control of someone else shortly after. One story involves WOMEN FOLK taking tent stakes and pounding them through the temples of sleeping men.
Debbie Harry and Barack Obama sing the first ever inter-gender, inter-racial God Rock power ballad.
An angel makes Gideon feed a stew to a rock.
Gideon kills a ton of people, takes a ton of ear rings, has a ton of kids because he had a ton of women, and then he died. As soon as he died, the Jews pissed God off again and the cycle starts over.
A dude named Jephthah is born. His family kicks him out because his dad fucked some other woman. Later on, his people come to him asking for help because, surprise surprise, the Jews are being held captive again. His daughter ended up crying about losing her virginity for 2 months in a mountain or some shit. This stuff is for the birds.
An angel came down, told some broad to not drink or anything stupid like that, because she was about to have a baby. That baby was Samson.
Samson grows up and wants to smang a Philistine woman. Sam went to find this woman when he came across a lion who got mouthy with him. Sam killed that cat in a heart beat with no weapon of any kind. Then he found his woman and fucked her. When he went back, he saw the lion carcass was covered in bees and honey, so he ate the honey, then took some back for his parents.
As some point his wife pisses him off and she's sent away. Her father thinks Sam is done with her, so he gives her away to someone else. Then he offers her younger sister to Samson. Instead, he catches 300 foxes, ties them tail to tail, and sets them on fire, burning down all the surrounding crops. In response, the Philistines burn his estranged wife and father in law to death. He started fucking everyone up. He killed over 1000 people with the jaw bone of a donkey. I guess you could say.....he made asses of them.
Sam goes around banging hookers, flexing, stealing iron gates, and trying some bondage stuff. He's too stronk for anything to keep him tied up and he eventually reveals that his strength comes from Hair Growth Hormone. Of course the woman has his hair cut while he's sleeping and he's arrested. Wait. Is this a boner metaphor? Anyway, his hair finally starts to grow back and he ends up pushing some pillars that made a stadium collapse or something, killing everyone there and himself, because he boner didn't work I think.
A concubine is chopped into 12 pieces and sent to each of the 12 tribes. The moral of he story is speak your minds. What? WHAT THE FUCK?
This (of course) provokes a war between the Israelites and Vegemites. Benji had 26,000 men. There were 400,000 Jewish fighters. And somehow the Jews got their asses handed to them. They only win because God intervenes on their behalf. Then they kill everyone and burn all the cities to the ground tonight.
RUTHLESS AGGRESSION
There is nothing here besides a woman named Naomi has kids that die and Ruth is her daughter in law. So here:
The whole Moses story kind of loses its impact when the Jews are in cycles of being slaves and freed by a great man over and over for the next few hundred years. Some straight up 9th DTV sequel in a horror franchise shit. Terrible story telling.
JUDGES OF WRESTLING COURT
Judah and Simeon take over for the now dead Joshua. Kind of. The Jews continue to kill every one and everything in their path of destruction. They started cutting off thumbs and big toes for some reason.
I guess God's one weakness is iron chariots. Nothing you can do about those.
God sends down an angel because he's pissed that the Jews haven't torn down every altar or place of worship in every city they've conquered. God got hot. He made sure a bunch died and seemed to pretty much give up on them entirely. He sold them back into slavery. WHAT THE FUCK. What a god damn waste of time. Fuck. Decades and decades of work to free the Jews and then he sells them back into slavery because he was grumpy that day.
Eglon was the king of Moab and a very fat man. Every few years, God would send a new dude to help the Jews out. This time it was Ehud, who kept a dagger attached to his right thigh and then stabbed that fatty in the gut. Mother fucker was so fat that his fat ate the blade. Then everyone in Moab was murdered. This is like 60 years after the last thing.
This goes on and on in cycles for many years. Jews are under control of someone else for a while, a great man rises up and frees them, then they are under control of someone else shortly after. One story involves WOMEN FOLK taking tent stakes and pounding them through the temples of sleeping men.
Debbie Harry and Barack Obama sing the first ever inter-gender, inter-racial God Rock power ballad.
An angel makes Gideon feed a stew to a rock.
Gideon kills a ton of people, takes a ton of ear rings, has a ton of kids because he had a ton of women, and then he died. As soon as he died, the Jews pissed God off again and the cycle starts over.
A dude named Jephthah is born. His family kicks him out because his dad fucked some other woman. Later on, his people come to him asking for help because, surprise surprise, the Jews are being held captive again. His daughter ended up crying about losing her virginity for 2 months in a mountain or some shit. This stuff is for the birds.
An angel came down, told some broad to not drink or anything stupid like that, because she was about to have a baby. That baby was Samson.
Samson grows up and wants to smang a Philistine woman. Sam went to find this woman when he came across a lion who got mouthy with him. Sam killed that cat in a heart beat with no weapon of any kind. Then he found his woman and fucked her. When he went back, he saw the lion carcass was covered in bees and honey, so he ate the honey, then took some back for his parents.
As some point his wife pisses him off and she's sent away. Her father thinks Sam is done with her, so he gives her away to someone else. Then he offers her younger sister to Samson. Instead, he catches 300 foxes, ties them tail to tail, and sets them on fire, burning down all the surrounding crops. In response, the Philistines burn his estranged wife and father in law to death. He started fucking everyone up. He killed over 1000 people with the jaw bone of a donkey. I guess you could say.....he made asses of them.
Sam goes around banging hookers, flexing, stealing iron gates, and trying some bondage stuff. He's too stronk for anything to keep him tied up and he eventually reveals that his strength comes from Hair Growth Hormone. Of course the woman has his hair cut while he's sleeping and he's arrested. Wait. Is this a boner metaphor? Anyway, his hair finally starts to grow back and he ends up pushing some pillars that made a stadium collapse or something, killing everyone there and himself, because he boner didn't work I think.
A concubine is chopped into 12 pieces and sent to each of the 12 tribes. The moral of he story is speak your minds. What? WHAT THE FUCK?
This (of course) provokes a war between the Israelites and Vegemites. Benji had 26,000 men. There were 400,000 Jewish fighters. And somehow the Jews got their asses handed to them. They only win because God intervenes on their behalf. Then they kill everyone and burn all the cities to the ground tonight.
RUTHLESS AGGRESSION
There is nothing here besides a woman named Naomi has kids that die and Ruth is her daughter in law. So here:
The whole Moses story kind of loses its impact when the Jews are in cycles of being slaves and freed by a great man over and over for the next few hundred years. Some straight up 9th DTV sequel in a horror franchise shit. Terrible story telling.
